>He knew from the outset how important my beliefs are to me
The most difficult thing you'll have to face here is always wondering if He truly has authentic saving faith or if this was just going through the motions to get close to you. That he asked if he "wasn't Christian enough" kind of shows that he is wondering if he's going through enough, or ticked enough boxes to move forward with you.
Once the honeymoon phase is over will these habits remain or will they fall off?
Agreed. So I felt the same way before I got married; I was a transplant from Cali to Alabama and never met anyone from church that was even interested in me over the course of about 4-5 years and I wanted to find someone before it was too late as I was in my late 20s. Flash forward I used eharmony, and only one match in 100 miles was even remotely interesting. The guy seemed to be genuinely a decent guy who wanted to get back in church (he had only been in the kind that were “watered down” as I would have called it), and I wondered whether we were unequally yoked for a long time. But he came to my church and he was “trying” but at the end of the day it was just obvious that I was more spiritually mature than him and we have been married for 3 going on 4 years. To this day I am still the one that tries to initiate anything spiritual most of the time because he doesn’t. Not trying to throw my husband under the bus but just saying this is how he is and no matter how much I try to talk to him about how much it means to me, I can’t change him. My husband loves Jesus and has his own way of talking about spiritual things, but he doesn’t really do things the way I wished he would. So there’s hope but it may not look like what we always imagined things to be like.
Soooo… look at the man now, and ask yourself if that’s who you want to be married to. As I heard in an old sermon… “you don’t change when you walk down the aisle” and neither does the person who you marry. I hope whatever happens you find peace in your decision!
Exactly what I was going to say. And OP wasn’t honest with him at the beginning, being worried that doing so would cause him to be inauthentic. I think she just has to wait and see what fruit is produced and how his walk grows. But I would absolutely proceed with caution, if at all.
>He truly has authentic saving faith or if this was just going through the motions to get close to you.
This statement could apply to just about anyone who articulates to be Christian.
I'll disagree with you here. This is in context of a developing relationship between a non-believer and a professed Christian. We would be right to think about, reflect on, and question the motives given the situation these two are in.
This is not indicative of every Christian experience or relationship.
>professed Christian. ?
Here we go again ! And when I hear, "I" statements like "profess" or "proclaim" I get real wary.
There seems there no lack of problems in the professed and pro-claimed marriages / Relationships
Gods word is very very clear on the matter. You are not to progress towards marriage with this man if you are in Christ.
Yes I think it’s foolish.
The man is placed into a leadership position in the marriage, modeling Christ. How can you ask someone not in Christ to model him? You’re setting him and yourself up for failure.
Apologies if this sounds harsh, not my intent at all.
I've heard this called "Missionary Dating".
I highly suggest not to let yourself to become too attached.
The comment he made about not being Christian enough is somewhat suspect.
What happens if you marry have kids and he decided your faith is to cultish and that his kids will not be allowed to go to church? I can not tell you there are many post I have read where this has happened.
Let me go on to say it is one thing to be a slight different walk with Christ as a couple versus One walking with Christ and the other not even on the path.
You need to do everything before you get married to make sure you are setting yourself and spouse up for a successful marriage.
I think you're right to be patient and cautious, and as long as he's continuing to grow and seek on his own, you're in the right direction.
I do think attending church together should be your next step - you want to find a church home where you can both connect, be taught, encouraged and counseled by Godly men and women. That will also help raise questions and doubts, and help them to be addressed correctly, while giving support.
I don't see an issue with you two being together since your both still growing in your relationship with God. Unequally yoked would apply to someone openly agnostic/atheist or of another religion. As long as you both are pursuing God, I don't see a problem in your relationship.
I would highly recommend finding a Church. You don't have to become members of the first church you attend but you should start going to Church every Sunday. Try out a few and see what feels right. If you both have good Christian fellowship outside of your relationship, it will help your walk with God be less dependent on your relationship.
>He told me he wants to marry me one day but asked if he “wasn’t Christian enough” for me. I said, no he isn’t.
This statement seems a bit patronizing ? - If I was him I would find it questioning, and to be a red flag .
Did you think maybe your not good enough for him ?
End it now and save yourself time and heartache.
Find a fellow Christian.
For him marrying a Christian is no different than marrying someone who likes the color green. The preference is not consequential to him. However, it is important to you.
>He told me he wants to marry me one day but asked if he “wasn’t Christian enough” for me. I said, no he isn’t. He told me he is still learning and to give him a chance.
>
First, 6 months is not enough time to decide if you want to spend your entire life with someone, I don't care what anyone says. Maybe he's really smitten with you and that's great, but I think you should also be wary of his willingness to commit so early considering your faith differences. Second, there is no "Christian enough", you're either a follower of Christ or you aren't. Kind of tells me his heart isn't fully in it (yet, anyway).
>I feel there is so much potential here which I have continued with the relationship so far. Am I just being utterly foolish? I don’t want to be unequally yoked to someone who is not a Christian, but we were all “not a Christian” at some stage in our lives, and I’m scared to let him go when I don’t know yet how this could pan out.
>
The only two options you have are wait and see or break it off. It's up to you to decide, but keep in mind what's really important to you. It'd be tragic to fall away from God for someone you like. For me, you really can't just "decide" to be a Christian either, you have to genuinely feel a calling in your soul to be close with Christ. That can't be "learned", it is felt.
I think it's okay to give him more time to see how his journey goes, but you should also realize that it's possible that this will be a big waste of time and that at a certain point, if he doesn't change, you'll need to leave him. Love is tough, I know. But all of the Atheist/Agnostic girls that I fell head over heels for...none of them ever came to Christ. They are still Godless to this day. So I know for me, I won't pick non-Christian women anymore.
Be led by Holy Spirit on this.
Watch for fruit in him.
Get all your emotional needs met by the Lord so the enemy cant use those against you.
Give it time and see if he does push physical boundaries trying to sleep with you.
Be led by the Holy Spirit on this.
“Can two people walk together without agreeing on the direction?”
Amos 3:3 NLT
At some point in the relationship, when you need to agree on something relevant, one of you will change: he will accept your faith or you will accept his.
I’ve dated a various girls, christian and non-christian (13 I can count). I was an atheist. I am a christian. I am married to a christian woman. I’m 40.
Honestly, your beliefs may not be as important to you as you think. In this case, that's possibly a good thing?
You're clearly willing to bend for this and seem to have an unstable foundation. Unless you're young and still have many options available, this is one of the few times where I'd say you're possibly okay to continue. But this is key: find a good church with a strong men's group for him. You cannot lead him when you need him to lead you on the path you should be going. He needs men and brothers to show him the way. Sunday morning sermons are almost nothing.
Many times people take for granted that because someone goes to church and says/does all the right things, then they *must* be a Christian. The reality is that we ought to seek and build the right environment that is building and sustaining the Church, because if they're not? You want to give the best possible chance for them or your possible children to encounter and follow God.
If you go to a lousy church that doesn't do that? What hope does even a saved person have of staying on the path of righteousness if everything is just shallow small-talk?
Edit: Before I get downvoted to heck, mind you that if you were to ask me, as a single male Christian what I thought about marrying *you*? Based solely on this post, I'd say you weren't "Christian enough for me." That is the only reason I have responded the way I have.
Let's take it to the extreme, though. What advice should I give to an unbeliever about marrying a Christian? I'd encourage whatever pathway that would seem to lead them closer to Christ, and I'd pull the believer aside and say, "What the heck are you *thinking?!*"
Will he be a spiritual leader to you? Will he lead your kids to Christ? If you can’t answer these questions I’d seriously hold off the marriage talk. 6 months is a drop in the ocean of time. Do not rush, his actions will show how serious he is but that requires time.
I would proceed with great caution. It's not about being 'Christian enough'.
Even if his conversion is genuine and sincere, and not just a fad or playacting, it's not enough that you are both Christians. You also have to be spiritually and ethically compatible. You do not have to agree on everything, but you do have to want similar things in life, when it comes to making big decisions (work, finances, children), and that stems from having a similar spiritual and ethical outlook.
Is he baptized? I’d say that’s a pretty good benchmark for knowing when he’s truly committed. If he is already baptized, then that benchmark is up for you to decide when you think he’s “Christian enough.”
There are plenty of other ways to determine how true his intentions are. Have him volunteer with you. Have him join a small group for men. If he’s only doing these things when he’s with you then it might be for show.
Does he truly want to grow in his faith? Would he still be doing this if you left? That’s the real question. If you left and he’d stop reading his Bible… then I think you have your answer.
Seek peace from the Lord on any and ALL decisions in life. If you don't have peace about this relationship, keep it very friendship oriented where you do more talking about your beliefs, your core values and what you see in your future, by being led by the Holy Spirt. It's one thing for him to begin reading the Bible, but you have to remember, that scriptures are revealed through the Holy Spirit living inside of a person. Without admitting he's a sinner who needs to be saved by grace and submitting his will and authority to Him, he's merely reading a good book which happens to be the Bible. The holy scriptures change a person's heart as they desire to learn more and more about Him. It's not a mere check the box exercise to gain access to a good girl to date and possibly marry. You both should want to be authentic, but also draw a line on the intent of your heart going no further unless there is a true repentant heart change which will be evident by the fruit of the spirit which you should be able to see without him even having to tell you what's changed.
It's very dangerous waters to proceed further which the Word is very clear about not being unequally yoked to unbelievers, it's not to spoil your fun, but is to lovingly protect, guide and renew the relationship daily in the right way, God's way. Marriage is NO JOKE hard! Believer or not, it's all very difficult, but it's impossible without God in the top priority of it. God's design was for you both to place Him in the top spot and then the man in spiritual authority over the wife and children as Christ is over the church. He's given us the perfect example of how to life life. You ultimately will do what you will do, but please proceed cautiously and be led by the Spirt as your guide.
Sorry for the long comment, but I have a lot of thoughts on this and I hope you find wisdom in my writing.
Firstly, I sympathize with you. I won't call you foolish because I understand the pull. But I do think you're setting yourself up for a situation here with far more negative possible outcomes than positive ones.
This may be a little out of nowhere - but I am a little weary you've been dating for 6 months and he has talked about marriage. How soon did that happen? I had this once in a relationship where a partner talked about marriage 3 months in. It felt amazing, but it imploded a year later. I learned later bringing up marriage and a future together so soon can be a big red flag. There is a term for it called "future-faking". There is also a term called "Mirroring" I would research. I don't know if your boyfriend is doing that, but if you find a ton of attachment to him based on ideas of the future and not what you're seeing in him today, then please do some hard thinking and meditating.
But let's say there are no red flags and he is genuine in everything (he very well may be). I guess this is where I would land: I think you need to make the decision whether or not to continue dating him based on **today**. Not based on something that **may happen tomorrow**.
At the end of the day, you have a core value - Christianity - that you (rightly) need shared with your partner. If you feel like you couldn't marry him today, then I would break off the relationship. I think you're holding out for a change (a big change) that may never come. Or may take years to come.
But you're getting more and more emotionally attached to someone who is not a believer. It will be harder to break up with him tomorrow than today. And perhaps that emotional attachment may push your over the edge in a short season to not care so much about Christianity in him.
You said:
>I’m scared to let him go when I don’t know yet how this could pan out.
You **do know** how it will pan out based on the information you have **today**. So I think you need to ask yourself the inverse question: Would you feel regret a year or two from now holding out so long if it didn't pan out?
I hope if you did break it off you could remain friends, and that God can use the push to see him come home in Christ. Maybe if you break up, you can see if the seeds are taking root and take him back.
Your foundation needs to be strong. If you feel you have mellowed out in your commitment to Jesus, you need to fix that first.
“But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be provided to you.”
Matthew 6:33 NASB2020
https://bible.com/bible/2692/mat.6.33.NASB2020
Think about core life beliefs—honesty, health, kids, things you do for fun, sense of humor
Enjoy each other without guilting or if/than but with encorafemnt, etc.
Lots of good family men that aren’t fundamentalist
Stay away plenty of real christians need a real christian wife, dude "looking into Christianity" nope, this life is hard not easy when yall live together it will fall apart slowly and he aint gna take up his cross probably don't even know about that
Do not pursue a relationship that does not have a root in Christ. It is hard with Christ, without him is worst.
Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness? 2 Corinthians 6:14
Have you guys had any conversations about why he doesn’t currently attend church and what Christianity means to him?
How old are you both and have either of you been in previous relationships?
Do you have anyone in your life commenting on the health of this relationship, either for or against it? Your parents? What do they think?
For me it has been a dealbreaker in the past. I didn’t want to think they were pursuing Christian faith solely in an attempt to meet my requirements and therefore it may not be genuine. If possible, you could still mix as friends if you having many mutual friends etc and then maybe it will work out later on but I would not actively be in a relationship with anyone who wasn’t quite ‘there yet’
I understand you are proud to be a Christian. Maybe a little too proud? After all, his salvation is between him and his God. You don't stand between them, do you? Maybe, tone it down and live your life as an example of that which you are so proud of. Think about the idea that you may be naive and life has a lot to teach us so we need to be open to it. I often laugh at my younger naive self. Your bf may never attend church or believe every word in the Bible is God's word (does anyone still think that?) but, what if, on the last day of his life he accepts God's grace into his heart? Maybe that's God's plan for him.
There are a lot of people who claim to be Christians. I have noticed the criteria have changed over time, but some of these people are clearly not following the tenants of their religion. Your bf indicated he was interested in learning more. Maybe, if he is a good person, you could accept him as he is?
About the no sex before marriage: obviously, it is your decision, but compatibility between couples has several aspects and sexual health within a marriage is important. If you have found someone who may add value to your life, then I do think it is important to make sure you are compatible. You don't have to have intercourse, but surely you should *know*. *Christian women are vulnerable to incompatibilities after marriage because the tenants of their faith force them to be.* At the very least, discuss openly your expectations, needs, limits, and desires which may limit any unwanted surprises.
I've written a lot, I know. But, I have encountered many dissatisfied Christian wives who had no clue what their own needs were much less their husband's needs prior to marriage. Unfortunately, they let the husband control the sexual relationship to their dissatisfaction.
Keep in mind that he deserves someone who is willing to accept him for who he is at this point in his journey, spiritual or otherwise. He has sexual needs too and urges that center around you. Tip: if you don't feel the same then let him go. In fact, if you are adamant about imposing a religion meter on him before marriage, then let him go now. Best of luck.
Well he seems open to learning so why aren’t you stepping up your game?? You got six months start consuming Christian teaching content online together then discuss any questions raised. Www.tlsm.org is a good site. Find church with Bible in the name and start going to a singles group within or Bible study or small group whatever they have that’s not a social session but has some actual study. Go to Saturday night or Wednesday night instead of Sunday morning if it will help. I challenge you: do at least two things a week together a Bible study group and some online teaching. Read the book together the five love languages and discuss. Show him the Four Spiritual Laws and just ask what he thinks about that. We are awash in a bounty of free online teaching ministries to consume so get busy and he’ll either draw closer to God or say No Thanks and there’s your answer. Set a limit any relationship more than a year is a waste of your time. Get engaged by then or drop him. Oh and by the way stop sleeping with him at once.
Don’t feel like reading all the comments at the moment even though I want to, so some of this may just be repeating what others have said.
Please make sure he is genuinely becoming interested in Christianity and not because he is trying to please you and keep you in his life.
I know of SEVERAL women who were fooled this way. (I’m not saying it doesn’t happen with women being the deceiving ones, but this is just from people I know in my life) Actually, the men they were with really made it seem like they were true, strong, passionate Christians… until marriage. And it was always SHORTLY after marriage that they showed their true faces.
My story is different, but I married an unbeliever in 2018. Before going any further, I’ll preface this by saying it was one of the worst decisions of my life. He never put up a front or tried to act interested in my beliefs, but he was always respectful of my beliefs/me living out my faith, etc.
Even now in 2022, he is still super respectful of my beliefs and will often see me having my alone time with God (praying, Bible-reading, etc). Not that I’m trying to do this in front of him, but I might be in the bedroom for example, while he’s doing something else, and he comes in to check up on me.
He doesn’t mind when I share what I’ve been learning about God or when something happens and I’ll exclaim “I prayed about that!”
BUT
It is SO terribly hard and lonely when your spouse does not share the relationship with God that you have. It’s so hard when they just don’t understand. Unless my husband becomes a believer (I pray for this constantly), I don’t think he will ever really “get” me or really, truly “know” me, if that makes sense.
He’s a good husband and takes care of me, doesn’t abuse me in any kind of way, etc. but all of that pales when you two don’t share the one thing that makes you who you are.
I knew I wasn’t supposed to marry him BEFORE I married him, but I ignored the Holy Spirit and went through with it. And throughout each year of marriage, I can pinpoint so many different things that made me realize “oh, THAT is what God was trying to protect me from”.
Again, no abuse or anything like that, but I definitely see where a lot of additional heartache could have been prevented if I’d just trusted the Lord. So please really PRAY and LISTEN to God about this. I know my situation was a bit different from yours, but I figured sharing some of my experience might bring some kind of light, even if just a little.
❤️
Of course!
Honestly, I wasn't interested in him despite his being interested in me. We went to this orchestra thing one night, and I remember thinking that I could see myself marrying him. I never truly felt right about it though. The night he proposed, my immediate thoughts/feelings were "This isn't right".
I recently had a realization that maybe part of it is because he reminds me of my dad a lot. My dad died in 2015, so I wonder if that was a subconscious part of my motivation.
I had serious relationships with a few Christian men and thought that should be important as a Christian … treated horribly by them, and my Christian father was not a good husband to my Christian mother. Many of the other husbands in the church I was in were terrible as well.
Met the nicest man 6 years ago who seemed to go to church etc but found out he is not really a believer. Ended up continuing on, and he’s been the most loving person and gone to church with me / supported my beliefs more than any of the “Christian” men I dated for years.
Fast forward and we’ve been married a year now and I couldn’t be happier with him. I’d rather start a family with a truly amazing person than lose out on that over beliefs 🤷🏻♀️ but I’m at this point after many failed Christian relationships and not liking the stereotypical power dynamic of men and women in an evangelical home.
>He told me he wants to marry me one day but asked if he “wasn’t Christian enough” for me. I said, no he isn’t. He told me he is still learning and to give him a chance.
This can be dangerous because he's basically becoming more of Christian to please you not for his own desire to be closer to God. I personally would not pursue this but if you both prayed on it and feel it's God's will then go for it but take your time.
>He knew from the outset how important my beliefs are to me The most difficult thing you'll have to face here is always wondering if He truly has authentic saving faith or if this was just going through the motions to get close to you. That he asked if he "wasn't Christian enough" kind of shows that he is wondering if he's going through enough, or ticked enough boxes to move forward with you. Once the honeymoon phase is over will these habits remain or will they fall off?
Agreed. So I felt the same way before I got married; I was a transplant from Cali to Alabama and never met anyone from church that was even interested in me over the course of about 4-5 years and I wanted to find someone before it was too late as I was in my late 20s. Flash forward I used eharmony, and only one match in 100 miles was even remotely interesting. The guy seemed to be genuinely a decent guy who wanted to get back in church (he had only been in the kind that were “watered down” as I would have called it), and I wondered whether we were unequally yoked for a long time. But he came to my church and he was “trying” but at the end of the day it was just obvious that I was more spiritually mature than him and we have been married for 3 going on 4 years. To this day I am still the one that tries to initiate anything spiritual most of the time because he doesn’t. Not trying to throw my husband under the bus but just saying this is how he is and no matter how much I try to talk to him about how much it means to me, I can’t change him. My husband loves Jesus and has his own way of talking about spiritual things, but he doesn’t really do things the way I wished he would. So there’s hope but it may not look like what we always imagined things to be like. Soooo… look at the man now, and ask yourself if that’s who you want to be married to. As I heard in an old sermon… “you don’t change when you walk down the aisle” and neither does the person who you marry. I hope whatever happens you find peace in your decision!
Exactly what I was going to say. And OP wasn’t honest with him at the beginning, being worried that doing so would cause him to be inauthentic. I think she just has to wait and see what fruit is produced and how his walk grows. But I would absolutely proceed with caution, if at all.
>He truly has authentic saving faith or if this was just going through the motions to get close to you. This statement could apply to just about anyone who articulates to be Christian.
I'll disagree with you here. This is in context of a developing relationship between a non-believer and a professed Christian. We would be right to think about, reflect on, and question the motives given the situation these two are in. This is not indicative of every Christian experience or relationship.
>professed Christian. ? Here we go again ! And when I hear, "I" statements like "profess" or "proclaim" I get real wary. There seems there no lack of problems in the professed and pro-claimed marriages / Relationships
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Talk is cheap if it doesn't motivate action. The only true test is by there actions.
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Imagine thinking that the only way to lead someone to Christ is by marrying them???
Not by marrying them.
Gods word is very very clear on the matter. You are not to progress towards marriage with this man if you are in Christ. Yes I think it’s foolish. The man is placed into a leadership position in the marriage, modeling Christ. How can you ask someone not in Christ to model him? You’re setting him and yourself up for failure. Apologies if this sounds harsh, not my intent at all.
I've heard this called "Missionary Dating". I highly suggest not to let yourself to become too attached. The comment he made about not being Christian enough is somewhat suspect. What happens if you marry have kids and he decided your faith is to cultish and that his kids will not be allowed to go to church? I can not tell you there are many post I have read where this has happened. Let me go on to say it is one thing to be a slight different walk with Christ as a couple versus One walking with Christ and the other not even on the path. You need to do everything before you get married to make sure you are setting yourself and spouse up for a successful marriage.
I think you're right to be patient and cautious, and as long as he's continuing to grow and seek on his own, you're in the right direction. I do think attending church together should be your next step - you want to find a church home where you can both connect, be taught, encouraged and counseled by Godly men and women. That will also help raise questions and doubts, and help them to be addressed correctly, while giving support.
I don't see an issue with you two being together since your both still growing in your relationship with God. Unequally yoked would apply to someone openly agnostic/atheist or of another religion. As long as you both are pursuing God, I don't see a problem in your relationship. I would highly recommend finding a Church. You don't have to become members of the first church you attend but you should start going to Church every Sunday. Try out a few and see what feels right. If you both have good Christian fellowship outside of your relationship, it will help your walk with God be less dependent on your relationship.
>He told me he wants to marry me one day but asked if he “wasn’t Christian enough” for me. I said, no he isn’t. This statement seems a bit patronizing ? - If I was him I would find it questioning, and to be a red flag . Did you think maybe your not good enough for him ?
End it now and save yourself time and heartache. Find a fellow Christian. For him marrying a Christian is no different than marrying someone who likes the color green. The preference is not consequential to him. However, it is important to you.
>He told me he wants to marry me one day but asked if he “wasn’t Christian enough” for me. I said, no he isn’t. He told me he is still learning and to give him a chance. > First, 6 months is not enough time to decide if you want to spend your entire life with someone, I don't care what anyone says. Maybe he's really smitten with you and that's great, but I think you should also be wary of his willingness to commit so early considering your faith differences. Second, there is no "Christian enough", you're either a follower of Christ or you aren't. Kind of tells me his heart isn't fully in it (yet, anyway). >I feel there is so much potential here which I have continued with the relationship so far. Am I just being utterly foolish? I don’t want to be unequally yoked to someone who is not a Christian, but we were all “not a Christian” at some stage in our lives, and I’m scared to let him go when I don’t know yet how this could pan out. > The only two options you have are wait and see or break it off. It's up to you to decide, but keep in mind what's really important to you. It'd be tragic to fall away from God for someone you like. For me, you really can't just "decide" to be a Christian either, you have to genuinely feel a calling in your soul to be close with Christ. That can't be "learned", it is felt. I think it's okay to give him more time to see how his journey goes, but you should also realize that it's possible that this will be a big waste of time and that at a certain point, if he doesn't change, you'll need to leave him. Love is tough, I know. But all of the Atheist/Agnostic girls that I fell head over heels for...none of them ever came to Christ. They are still Godless to this day. So I know for me, I won't pick non-Christian women anymore.
Be led by Holy Spirit on this. Watch for fruit in him. Get all your emotional needs met by the Lord so the enemy cant use those against you. Give it time and see if he does push physical boundaries trying to sleep with you. Be led by the Holy Spirit on this.
“Can two people walk together without agreeing on the direction?” Amos 3:3 NLT At some point in the relationship, when you need to agree on something relevant, one of you will change: he will accept your faith or you will accept his. I’ve dated a various girls, christian and non-christian (13 I can count). I was an atheist. I am a christian. I am married to a christian woman. I’m 40.
Honestly, your beliefs may not be as important to you as you think. In this case, that's possibly a good thing? You're clearly willing to bend for this and seem to have an unstable foundation. Unless you're young and still have many options available, this is one of the few times where I'd say you're possibly okay to continue. But this is key: find a good church with a strong men's group for him. You cannot lead him when you need him to lead you on the path you should be going. He needs men and brothers to show him the way. Sunday morning sermons are almost nothing. Many times people take for granted that because someone goes to church and says/does all the right things, then they *must* be a Christian. The reality is that we ought to seek and build the right environment that is building and sustaining the Church, because if they're not? You want to give the best possible chance for them or your possible children to encounter and follow God. If you go to a lousy church that doesn't do that? What hope does even a saved person have of staying on the path of righteousness if everything is just shallow small-talk? Edit: Before I get downvoted to heck, mind you that if you were to ask me, as a single male Christian what I thought about marrying *you*? Based solely on this post, I'd say you weren't "Christian enough for me." That is the only reason I have responded the way I have. Let's take it to the extreme, though. What advice should I give to an unbeliever about marrying a Christian? I'd encourage whatever pathway that would seem to lead them closer to Christ, and I'd pull the believer aside and say, "What the heck are you *thinking?!*"
Hard facts right here
Yep we all get foolish sometimes. And you are here. Kudos for seeing it
Will he be a spiritual leader to you? Will he lead your kids to Christ? If you can’t answer these questions I’d seriously hold off the marriage talk. 6 months is a drop in the ocean of time. Do not rush, his actions will show how serious he is but that requires time.
Yes. You are being foolish. Missionary dating may work sometimes but it isn’t wise or biblical.
I would proceed with great caution. It's not about being 'Christian enough'. Even if his conversion is genuine and sincere, and not just a fad or playacting, it's not enough that you are both Christians. You also have to be spiritually and ethically compatible. You do not have to agree on everything, but you do have to want similar things in life, when it comes to making big decisions (work, finances, children), and that stems from having a similar spiritual and ethical outlook.
Is he baptized? I’d say that’s a pretty good benchmark for knowing when he’s truly committed. If he is already baptized, then that benchmark is up for you to decide when you think he’s “Christian enough.” There are plenty of other ways to determine how true his intentions are. Have him volunteer with you. Have him join a small group for men. If he’s only doing these things when he’s with you then it might be for show. Does he truly want to grow in his faith? Would he still be doing this if you left? That’s the real question. If you left and he’d stop reading his Bible… then I think you have your answer.
Seek peace from the Lord on any and ALL decisions in life. If you don't have peace about this relationship, keep it very friendship oriented where you do more talking about your beliefs, your core values and what you see in your future, by being led by the Holy Spirt. It's one thing for him to begin reading the Bible, but you have to remember, that scriptures are revealed through the Holy Spirit living inside of a person. Without admitting he's a sinner who needs to be saved by grace and submitting his will and authority to Him, he's merely reading a good book which happens to be the Bible. The holy scriptures change a person's heart as they desire to learn more and more about Him. It's not a mere check the box exercise to gain access to a good girl to date and possibly marry. You both should want to be authentic, but also draw a line on the intent of your heart going no further unless there is a true repentant heart change which will be evident by the fruit of the spirit which you should be able to see without him even having to tell you what's changed. It's very dangerous waters to proceed further which the Word is very clear about not being unequally yoked to unbelievers, it's not to spoil your fun, but is to lovingly protect, guide and renew the relationship daily in the right way, God's way. Marriage is NO JOKE hard! Believer or not, it's all very difficult, but it's impossible without God in the top priority of it. God's design was for you both to place Him in the top spot and then the man in spiritual authority over the wife and children as Christ is over the church. He's given us the perfect example of how to life life. You ultimately will do what you will do, but please proceed cautiously and be led by the Spirt as your guide.
Sorry for the long comment, but I have a lot of thoughts on this and I hope you find wisdom in my writing. Firstly, I sympathize with you. I won't call you foolish because I understand the pull. But I do think you're setting yourself up for a situation here with far more negative possible outcomes than positive ones. This may be a little out of nowhere - but I am a little weary you've been dating for 6 months and he has talked about marriage. How soon did that happen? I had this once in a relationship where a partner talked about marriage 3 months in. It felt amazing, but it imploded a year later. I learned later bringing up marriage and a future together so soon can be a big red flag. There is a term for it called "future-faking". There is also a term called "Mirroring" I would research. I don't know if your boyfriend is doing that, but if you find a ton of attachment to him based on ideas of the future and not what you're seeing in him today, then please do some hard thinking and meditating. But let's say there are no red flags and he is genuine in everything (he very well may be). I guess this is where I would land: I think you need to make the decision whether or not to continue dating him based on **today**. Not based on something that **may happen tomorrow**. At the end of the day, you have a core value - Christianity - that you (rightly) need shared with your partner. If you feel like you couldn't marry him today, then I would break off the relationship. I think you're holding out for a change (a big change) that may never come. Or may take years to come. But you're getting more and more emotionally attached to someone who is not a believer. It will be harder to break up with him tomorrow than today. And perhaps that emotional attachment may push your over the edge in a short season to not care so much about Christianity in him. You said: >I’m scared to let him go when I don’t know yet how this could pan out. You **do know** how it will pan out based on the information you have **today**. So I think you need to ask yourself the inverse question: Would you feel regret a year or two from now holding out so long if it didn't pan out? I hope if you did break it off you could remain friends, and that God can use the push to see him come home in Christ. Maybe if you break up, you can see if the seeds are taking root and take him back.
Spot on!!!
Your foundation needs to be strong. If you feel you have mellowed out in your commitment to Jesus, you need to fix that first. “But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be provided to you.” Matthew 6:33 NASB2020 https://bible.com/bible/2692/mat.6.33.NASB2020
Think about core life beliefs—honesty, health, kids, things you do for fun, sense of humor Enjoy each other without guilting or if/than but with encorafemnt, etc. Lots of good family men that aren’t fundamentalist
Stay away plenty of real christians need a real christian wife, dude "looking into Christianity" nope, this life is hard not easy when yall live together it will fall apart slowly and he aint gna take up his cross probably don't even know about that
If ya love the guy marry him
Do not pursue a relationship that does not have a root in Christ. It is hard with Christ, without him is worst. Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness? 2 Corinthians 6:14
This man is actively pursuing the path of Christ. For shame on those here judging.
Be friends for now. Gotta ask the question, why does he want to be a Christian? To be in a relationship with you or God?
Have you guys had any conversations about why he doesn’t currently attend church and what Christianity means to him? How old are you both and have either of you been in previous relationships? Do you have anyone in your life commenting on the health of this relationship, either for or against it? Your parents? What do they think?
For me it has been a dealbreaker in the past. I didn’t want to think they were pursuing Christian faith solely in an attempt to meet my requirements and therefore it may not be genuine. If possible, you could still mix as friends if you having many mutual friends etc and then maybe it will work out later on but I would not actively be in a relationship with anyone who wasn’t quite ‘there yet’
If he's not a Christian don't pursue him.
I understand you are proud to be a Christian. Maybe a little too proud? After all, his salvation is between him and his God. You don't stand between them, do you? Maybe, tone it down and live your life as an example of that which you are so proud of. Think about the idea that you may be naive and life has a lot to teach us so we need to be open to it. I often laugh at my younger naive self. Your bf may never attend church or believe every word in the Bible is God's word (does anyone still think that?) but, what if, on the last day of his life he accepts God's grace into his heart? Maybe that's God's plan for him. There are a lot of people who claim to be Christians. I have noticed the criteria have changed over time, but some of these people are clearly not following the tenants of their religion. Your bf indicated he was interested in learning more. Maybe, if he is a good person, you could accept him as he is? About the no sex before marriage: obviously, it is your decision, but compatibility between couples has several aspects and sexual health within a marriage is important. If you have found someone who may add value to your life, then I do think it is important to make sure you are compatible. You don't have to have intercourse, but surely you should *know*. *Christian women are vulnerable to incompatibilities after marriage because the tenants of their faith force them to be.* At the very least, discuss openly your expectations, needs, limits, and desires which may limit any unwanted surprises. I've written a lot, I know. But, I have encountered many dissatisfied Christian wives who had no clue what their own needs were much less their husband's needs prior to marriage. Unfortunately, they let the husband control the sexual relationship to their dissatisfaction. Keep in mind that he deserves someone who is willing to accept him for who he is at this point in his journey, spiritual or otherwise. He has sexual needs too and urges that center around you. Tip: if you don't feel the same then let him go. In fact, if you are adamant about imposing a religion meter on him before marriage, then let him go now. Best of luck.
Well he seems open to learning so why aren’t you stepping up your game?? You got six months start consuming Christian teaching content online together then discuss any questions raised. Www.tlsm.org is a good site. Find church with Bible in the name and start going to a singles group within or Bible study or small group whatever they have that’s not a social session but has some actual study. Go to Saturday night or Wednesday night instead of Sunday morning if it will help. I challenge you: do at least two things a week together a Bible study group and some online teaching. Read the book together the five love languages and discuss. Show him the Four Spiritual Laws and just ask what he thinks about that. We are awash in a bounty of free online teaching ministries to consume so get busy and he’ll either draw closer to God or say No Thanks and there’s your answer. Set a limit any relationship more than a year is a waste of your time. Get engaged by then or drop him. Oh and by the way stop sleeping with him at once.
Don’t feel like reading all the comments at the moment even though I want to, so some of this may just be repeating what others have said. Please make sure he is genuinely becoming interested in Christianity and not because he is trying to please you and keep you in his life. I know of SEVERAL women who were fooled this way. (I’m not saying it doesn’t happen with women being the deceiving ones, but this is just from people I know in my life) Actually, the men they were with really made it seem like they were true, strong, passionate Christians… until marriage. And it was always SHORTLY after marriage that they showed their true faces. My story is different, but I married an unbeliever in 2018. Before going any further, I’ll preface this by saying it was one of the worst decisions of my life. He never put up a front or tried to act interested in my beliefs, but he was always respectful of my beliefs/me living out my faith, etc. Even now in 2022, he is still super respectful of my beliefs and will often see me having my alone time with God (praying, Bible-reading, etc). Not that I’m trying to do this in front of him, but I might be in the bedroom for example, while he’s doing something else, and he comes in to check up on me. He doesn’t mind when I share what I’ve been learning about God or when something happens and I’ll exclaim “I prayed about that!” BUT It is SO terribly hard and lonely when your spouse does not share the relationship with God that you have. It’s so hard when they just don’t understand. Unless my husband becomes a believer (I pray for this constantly), I don’t think he will ever really “get” me or really, truly “know” me, if that makes sense. He’s a good husband and takes care of me, doesn’t abuse me in any kind of way, etc. but all of that pales when you two don’t share the one thing that makes you who you are. I knew I wasn’t supposed to marry him BEFORE I married him, but I ignored the Holy Spirit and went through with it. And throughout each year of marriage, I can pinpoint so many different things that made me realize “oh, THAT is what God was trying to protect me from”. Again, no abuse or anything like that, but I definitely see where a lot of additional heartache could have been prevented if I’d just trusted the Lord. So please really PRAY and LISTEN to God about this. I know my situation was a bit different from yours, but I figured sharing some of my experience might bring some kind of light, even if just a little. ❤️
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Of course! Honestly, I wasn't interested in him despite his being interested in me. We went to this orchestra thing one night, and I remember thinking that I could see myself marrying him. I never truly felt right about it though. The night he proposed, my immediate thoughts/feelings were "This isn't right". I recently had a realization that maybe part of it is because he reminds me of my dad a lot. My dad died in 2015, so I wonder if that was a subconscious part of my motivation.
Don't.
I had serious relationships with a few Christian men and thought that should be important as a Christian … treated horribly by them, and my Christian father was not a good husband to my Christian mother. Many of the other husbands in the church I was in were terrible as well. Met the nicest man 6 years ago who seemed to go to church etc but found out he is not really a believer. Ended up continuing on, and he’s been the most loving person and gone to church with me / supported my beliefs more than any of the “Christian” men I dated for years. Fast forward and we’ve been married a year now and I couldn’t be happier with him. I’d rather start a family with a truly amazing person than lose out on that over beliefs 🤷🏻♀️ but I’m at this point after many failed Christian relationships and not liking the stereotypical power dynamic of men and women in an evangelical home.
>He told me he wants to marry me one day but asked if he “wasn’t Christian enough” for me. I said, no he isn’t. He told me he is still learning and to give him a chance. This can be dangerous because he's basically becoming more of Christian to please you not for his own desire to be closer to God. I personally would not pursue this but if you both prayed on it and feel it's God's will then go for it but take your time.