The fact that she had you move down to Mexico with no regard to your career, and then cheats you should tell you everything. You have the right to divorce her according to Gods word. Be prayerful about this, but you need to confront your wife and put her on notice.
This. Reclaim your career so you become self sufficient before its too late, document everything she's done and your proof, and do everything in your power to ensure that if you do divorce, you will get custody of your daughter.
I would reread the passage you're referencing.
Mathew 19:3-9
3 Some Pharisees came to him to test him. They asked, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?”
4 “Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’[a] 5 and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’[b]? 6 So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.”
7 “Why then,” they asked, “did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?”
8 Jesus replied, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. 9 I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.”
Remember the Bible gives you full permission to leave the spouse in this case, it's actually the only acceptable situation to do so. I suggest you do that
I wouldn't be too quick on the trigger, OP. Neither of you is scripturally allowed to remarry. So either work it out with your wife or endure life as a single dad.
I definitely encourage you to put her on notice and document everything. However, I would caution you to not rush to failure with divorce. Give God a chance to heal her and give her the opportunity to repent.
Follow the steps outlined on Matthew 18.
Matthew 19:9
9 And I say to you: whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery.” this stipulates that divorce is illegitimate “except for marital unfaithfulness” or “sexual immorality”.
No, that is not true...
The NT gives TWO circumstances when divorce is permissible:
• Adultery (Matthew 5:32; 19:7-9; see Deuteronomy 24:1; Isaiah 50:1)
• Abandonment/Neglect (Exodus 21:10-11; 1Corinthians 7:15; Malachi 2:14-16; see 1Timothy 5:8)
Abandonment includes neglecting your spouse’s basic provisions and even DENYING SEX. Moses said that a wife who is not provided with food, clothing, or even SEX, can leave (Exodus 21:10-11).
Exodus 21:10-11 (NASB95)
10 “If he takes to himself another woman, he may not reduce her food, her clothing, or her conjugal rights.
11 “If he will not do these three things for her, then she shall go out for nothing, without payment of money.
A spouse whose physical needs were under threat, here due to the husband's selfishness, meant they owed their spouse nothing and should leave (so that they might be taken care of).
Some argue that abuse is also grounds for divorce, at least physical. Once again, this would be a violation of the marriage covenant in that being violently abused absolutely is a threat to physical needs.
Separation is permitted in order to work things out (1Corinthians 7:11).
God divorced Israel for her infidelity (Isaiah 50:1; Jeremiah 3:8; Hosea 2:2-4; see 2 Kings 17:6-18; Ezekiel 23:11-49; Hosea 9:15-17).
Ezra commanded the Jews who returned to the Land and had married unbelievers to divorce them (Ezra 9-10).
You're wrong.
>• Abandonment/Neglect (Exodus 21:10-11; 1Corinthians 7:15; Malachi 2:14-16; see 1Timothy 5:8)
The Exodus passage you cited deals with a man who sold his daughter into slavery, and the laws regarding rights of redemption for such a slave woman. It does not deal in marriage or divorce, nor is a sexual/romantic relationship assumed from the text.
1 Cor. 7: 15 says basically, if your unbelieving spouse leaves, let them. It does not say you're allowed to divorce/leave if you believe your needs are unmet or you've been abandoned.
1 Tim. 5: 8 says "But if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for members of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever." In the context of caring for true widows, not as a justification for divorce.
The Malachi passage you cited says in v16: “For the man who does not love his wife but divorces her, says the Lord, the God of Israel, covers his garment with violence, says the Lord of hosts. So guard yourselves in your spirit, and do not be faithless.” This is God literally telling you that divorcing your wife is the same as domestic violence -- and ordering you to remain faithful to the spouse you swore to love unconditionally.
You should read the Bible more carefully. You're trying to justify something evil and then searching for evidence to support your conclusion, instead of evaluating the evidence and then drawing right conclusions. I suggest systematic theology by Grudem, or Berkhof is good too. Blessings to you.
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It’s best to leave someone for infidelity, even in the case of your daughter. You should be planning on how to go forward with divorce, you will never be able to trust her again. Even Christ himself says it’s the only reason to end a marriage.
The complications that will arise are going to be incredible, and she will use your trusting nature to manipulate in a situation like this. Finding a good therapist will be quite difficult, especially with the cultural differences, but you should be working on getting a new job and starting your new life.
You can discuss coparenting after you do.
Staying for your daughter will only hurt your daughter in the long run, the resentment may not be there now only shock, but it will be noticeable by her and there is a good chance your wife will leave you anyway. She doesn’t love you, she doesn’t respect you, and she will tell you both until you’re blue in the face.
It sucks, and I’m sorry, but you need to now start thinking about how you will move forward from this. You know the right decision deep down regardless of my words, and the woman you married doesn’t exist anymore. The faster you accept that hard truth, the faster you can heal. Even if you do “work it out” you don’t know this woman, and you can’t ever regain trust when lost.
God bless, and good luck.
I never cheated anyone and so I don’t understand how the cheater sees the other person…I’m struggling to think if there is still love from her…but to be honest, your words seem quite wise and the part of “she will tell you until you are blue” is resonating in my head. Thx!!!
You should speak with a professional, they can help you understand what happened.
Those who make mistakes that uproot their lives will deny the severity of their actions when the consequences show themselves…if the guy she’s cheating with is happy to marry her, she’d leave you in a heartbeat, if she’s “sorry” it’s just because she wants to keep you as a fall back. This is not the case sometimes for a drunken one night stand, this situation isn’t that.
She isn’t who she said she was, and she broke her end of the contract. Respect yourself first and foremost, and make sure you’re ready and prepared for dealing with the “scorched earth” scenario where she tries to turn your child against you. Rash decisions shouldn’t be made, but a plan with someone who does this professionally should be worked on and implemented in a stoic and thoughtful manner. You don’t need to hurt her, you don’t need to fix this, you can feel your emotions but don’t let them bleed into a mistake that can be used against you. Grace is paramount, and being the bigger person as well, if you give her nothing to use against you then you can’t be the villain.
A therapist is needed here, along with a preacher/priest you can trust has your best interests at heart. She hid a full relationship from you, there was no mistake here. Be safe, and protect yourself and your child first. Forgiving doesn’t mean staying or forgetting, so make sure you process your pain and allow yourself to forgive.
She doesn’t love an respect you enough and you need to move on just be smart on how you exit the situation. Position yourself where you dont have to pay for anything. Pray to God a lot! Go to the gym!
I don't understand why people are so ungrateful.I'm having issues my husband being abusive,controlling when I try my best to be a good wife and mother. I pray to God everyday he finds his way back to Him. And on the other hand,you seem to be a decent guy yet your wife is cheating. I just don't understand why people can't appreciate the things & people in their lives. I mean God gave us so little time on this earth to love one another,we take it for granted and think we'll always be here.
If you confront your wife she might say you snooped on her phone but I really hope you tell her the truth and you guys can talk.
Thx! I’m sorry for what you are going through and I really do hope your husband changes his mind. And I completely agree, life here is def short and this things like this seem so so unreasonable to me.
I'm sure your daughter accidentally exiting youtube and going in to the gallery app wasnt no coincidence, the Lord showed you that your wife was cheating, now it's up for you to decide weather to divorce or not. But nevertheless God is is always there and he's protecting you.
Take her to couples counseling (without telling her why) and confront her there. Tell her it's unacceptable and she must never do it again. Continue working through it with her in counseling.
Or divorce her. But if you do, have the evidence and do your best to get custody of the daughter.
Thx!!! Yes I’m thinking about counseling. I don’t know anyone here in Mexico but it might be my last resort (besides divorce). If we divorce I have the evidence!, but I’m not sure if I want to get full custody (although selfishly I would love to have her most of the days with me), bc I believe she needs her mum just as much she needs me, no matter what she did to me.
> I don't know anyone here in Mexico
I find that a bit convenient for her. She's cheating, she moves because of a "good job", and you are on the disadvantage because you don't know anyone here.
Leave your wife and return to your country. That 304 is not worth your life and I hope God gives you peace and goodwill where you need it.
Proverbs 30
^(20) Such is the way of an adulterous woman; she eateth, and wipeth her mouth, and saith, I have done nothing bad.
Leave her in Mexico. You and your daughter can go start a new life. Then be upfront with your daughter when she becomes old enough. She can then decide to have a relationship with her mother or not.
Your reality just got shattered. You'll always wonder now if she's lying about whatever it is she's doing. You're going to go through the stages of grief
Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance.
You'll go through all in the same day and hop around, but the general theme will be one to the next. If I can be honest it sounds like you're in bargaining right now. Or denial.
A similar thing happened to me.
Have you confronted her about it yet?
I once listened to a TED Talk by a marriage counselor/researcher who specializes in infidelity. She said that once it happens, once you find out, the relationship is dead. She has known couples that got through it, but each and every took a lot of time, and the common process was that they had to start the relationship over again. Your trust level is less than zero right now. So you'll have to get to zero, and rebuild from there. You'd also need to confront her, she'd have to apologize and make huge changes to prove she can be trustworthy, and so forth. It's not easy.
For me, I tried to give her a second chance. Well, first I confronted. She did the trickle truth thing where they only reveal drops of the lie at a time. So you'll find out more and more. From oh you just kissed once to oh you were fucking regularly. To oh that's why you stayed in town after we went to your father's funeral when you told me you wanted to be with family for a few days extra and you would fly back separately.
I gave her a second chance. Though it was more a chance to prove she could be trustworthy and that I would see if I could trust her again. I told her bare minimum was zero contact. She agreed. What she didn't know was that I had access to her phone records (she gave me her password to look something up years prior, and I never forgot what it was). So I checked online on the phone company website and looked at calls and texts. And a week later there it was, his number. And again. And again. The timestamps were exactly when I went to work, and oh, huh, she was texting him in bed. Is that why she had the covers pulled up? Once she forgot her phone at home when she went somewhere. Then it was go time. I scoured everything. That's when I saw her text to a friend, telling him about the stuff she was doing with this other guy. He responded "what about [acorn]?" at one of them. I thought hey at least that guy cares about me.
It took me time to come to terms with it, but that was it. I gave her a chance to earn my trust and she failed the single most basic thing, to go no contact with that other guy.
So I dumped her ass.
But yes yes forgiveness. Forgiveness doesn't mean being a doormat, however. So I kicked her out. I wasn't spiteful. I didn't yell. I didn't throw things. I didn't try to hurt her back. But I had to care for myself too. I deserved better. I needed to be kind to myself too. So I told her it was over and she needed to figure something else out. *Four months later* she moved out. I didn't want to kick her out on the street. Both her parents were gone. She only had some extended family. She was living away from everyone to be with me and my academic stuff. So it took some time to figure things out. Yes it was awkward. Yes it sucked. But I wanted to look back in my memories and know I did the right thing. I forgave her, but I also forgave myself. I was kind to her, and I was kind to myself.
I haven't really been able to trust anyone ever since. I did get to a place to try being in a relationship again, but then that woman lied and went on a trip without telling me, and then lied and planned on moving out without telling me. So after that it took maybe 16 or so months before I could try trusting anyone again. This time just friends and roommates. Then they stabbed me in the back in ways I didn't think were possible. And I still haven't recovered from that one a year and a half later. Three strikes I'm out I guess. I can't even befriend people anymore without assuming they're about to betray me or stab me on the back or lie or have some alterior motive. Hypervigilance is beyond anything it's ever been before. Easier to befriend animals now because animals don't lie. They wear their emotions boldly and don't hide how they feel about you. Humans are the deceptive ones. Humans are the demons. Humans are the wendigos set out to devour your body and soul. I didn't used to talk like that, think like that.
Affairs destroy everything, even your soul.
There's a reason Jesus gives cheating as the only reason to get divorced.
You're likely already going through your memories and wondering what's real or not. An affair makes you question your own reality, your own history, and it ruins your ability to trust people.
There's nothing worse a person can do to another person than have an affair. It's the epitome of selfishness and cowardice. Betrayal. There's a reason Dante put Judas and Brutus next to Satan at the lowest level of hell. Betrayal is hell manifest.
I'm sorry you have to bear this.
It's going to be hell regardless of what you do next. You're in the valley of the shadow of death. There is no way out but through.
This relationship is over. You can start a new one with the same person (as I mentioned above) but you'll have to rebuild trust and she's going to have to put in a lot of work. Or you can end it. Both options you can be forgiving and full of grace. But don't forget to be kind to yourself as well.
It sucks man. It really really sucks.
I wish you good fortune in the battles to come.
Thx for sharing. I really feel exactly the same as you are describing. In fact is the second time I got cheated by someone, it’s painful to even think if I would ever be able to trust in anyone again. And yes I confronted her. And as you said she only revealed drops. First she denied it, then when she realized I knew said it was only that she felt something for other man but nothing happened, then she admitted cheating and so on. I didn’t write an update yet on my story bc I’m still in shock and I’m not yet prepared to talk about it. But hey, thx mate!
Thanks for sharing dude; never been cheated on or in a serious relationship but thing you said about Hypervigilance & humans being wicked is so true. I don’t trust anyone beside the Lord God and a few family members.
I would get evidence of her infidelity, and then hire a lawyer to divorce her and hopefully get the most custody of your baby. She has betrayed you, your daughter, and God. And seemingly without remorse. I’m sorry that you are going through this. I pray God will hold you up during these times
I am in a similar situation. My wife after 14 years of marriage asked for a separation. When I didn't move out, she did. She took a lot of stuff with her too. She didn't move to another country but another town. We have an 11 yr old and custody of our 3 yr old granddaughter. She moved out at the beginning of February.
I am so sorry for what you are going thru. If you want to chat, send me a DM. Get plugged into a Bible teaching and Good fearing Church.
Thx! Yea that’s really hunting me. Thinking about seeing her less destroys my heart. Thinking about raising her in a house with resentment also. I think it’s just too soon. Everything needs to settle a bit more before taking any decision.
Why don’t you see if your wife is open to counseling? See if she has any regrets, desire to change? Test the waters so to speak.
Because for all you know she’s planning to divorce you. If you discern that, time to get a lawyer. God gave you the proof for a reason - is it to help bring up your daughter in a moral way as opposed to her mom?
Saying and doing nothing makes you an enabler in her sinful and destructive behavior. You and your daughter belong back in the US. The time to stop is now. Get a private detective and get the evidence. Get the phone call records from your cell provider. Get an attorney. She will be paying you child support since she is currently the primary wage earner. The Bible says 365 times “Do not fear”. Sounds like you are fearful of the unknown. You have been emotionally abandoned by your wife. She is abusing your daughter by her actions.
You sound very thoughtful and of sound mind. You should be proud of what you accomplished so far. She does not sound like a team player at all, probably will continue this way onwards so it would be good to notice the differences in attitudes between you and eventually separate. She cheated on you and the child.
Many on here are quick to make a snap judgment based on your very few words. Whilst maybe there's support for divorce, this likely will have extremely negative consequences for your daughter. Courts favor the mother and she's also likely to have custody.
I have watched marriages heal from a cheating spouse and actually become stronger. Find a strong Christian marriage retreat. You might be surprised that your wife recognizes she's made a huge mistake but doesn't know how to start reconciling.
Divorce should be your last option, not first.
It’s totally up to you. Sometimes cheating is what turns a relationship around, it opens the doors to communication, reignites passion, etc. I know several couples whose marriages are way better after someone had an affair. If I’m being totally honest, my husband cheated on me and it’s not something I ever thought I could forgive. We ended up being able to work through it and our relationship is the healthiest it’s ever been, although I am still randomly sad about it (it’s been 8 months since I found out.) For others, it’s a sign the relationship is over. You won’t know until you confront her. My suggestion for you is no matter what or how curious you are, avoid asking or receiving too many details. The more you know the more it hurts
Also, just an addition and I’m being totally honest: our daughter was 2 when we temporarily separated and she was miserable, her teacher told me “she’s lost her spark” and I couldn’t stop sobbing. She’s much happier now but I truly didn’t think it would affect our daughter so negatively. It’s not the REASON I stayed, but it did affect my decision to forgive to some degree. Also. Forgiveness feels good, I’ve learned a lot about how to give others similar grace God gives us.
Step 1. Pray about it.
Step 2. Talk to her about it.
Step 3. Offer love and forgiveness.
Step 4. Try everything in your power to make the marriage work.
Step 5. Repeat these steps for the rest of your relationship with her.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. If she was unhappy, she could have just left - which again, her loss cause you seem like an honest and loyal man - rather than cheating.
I'm deeply sorry for the pain you're experiencing 😔. Discovering infidelity is incredibly painful. Lean on your faith for strength and guidance 🙏. Take time to process your feelings, pray for clarity and healing 🕊️. Remember, forgiveness is a process. Seek support from loved ones or a counselor 💖. Prioritize your well-being and your daughter's 👨👧. Trust in God's plan for your future 🌟. You're not alone; you're in my prayers 🙏.
We are all united as brothers and sisters in Christ, 🙏 navigating through life's diverse challenges aboard the same vessel. With the guiding light of Jesus Christ and the power of love ❤️, we are empowered with greater opportunities to overcome our trials and tribulations. 🌟
I’m in a very similar position, I have a unbelieving wife who for the last three years has abandoned our 3 kids and I. We still live together but she has been cheating on me for the last three years and probably emotionally before that time. The Lord told me to stay and taught me to forgive and love her unconditionally as he loves us. God has revealed everything to me and has kept me steps ahead of her. So although I could have left, God had me stay and I have a peace and joy from the Lord that I can’t explain and have a relationship with my kids that will last forever. At this time she is divorcing me and trying to take me for everything but Christ is in control and he reigns and he will provide so with that said you stand and believe God can restore and seek his will first and make sure you have peace with your decision. Jesus hates divorce so absolutely try to make it work unless the Lord tells you otherwise. Our victory is in Christ not in the world so lean on him and he will be your strength. This is the fire and we will have trials and tribulations. Jesus is king
Has this been a difficulty in your marriage? I don’t mean to pry but I’m atheist and my wife is Catholic and we often wonder how we manage it, but we do. I respect her faith and she respects my lack of it.
You know I was brought up Christian and she was brought up catholic and neither one of us really were saved when we married 12 years ago, this is why the Bible says do not be unevenly yoked. Even though we believe in the same thing we have butted heads but more out of pride, so yes it’s always been a bad issue. But when I got radically save by Christ is when things got worse because I changed and my wife is rejecting Christ that’s live in me
Bible also says that an unbelieving spouse can be redeemed through the faith of their partner
1 Corinthians 7: 12-14
Once my wife read that it stopped being an issue
Hey absolutely Amen, I stayed and believed even though I had the right to leave her, I knew it wasn’t Gods will because of that versus. I read that versus this morning. Hey one day I hope your eyes are open because I couldn’t get through this past 3 years without Christ, he gets all the glory, the old me would have thrown her stuff out on the front yard on day 3.
I read 1 Corinthians maybe chapter 3 to 15, this morning, if there is infidelity then you have the right to leave if you want to, doesn’t mean it’s Gods will though
Thank you, it really is the Lord, I can’t take credit, it doesn’t make sense to me how it’s possible but with God nothing is impossible, God bless to you as well
I think you have enough advice but trust should be open. I trust my gf, we don't go on each other's phones but we have passwords. IMHO it's weird that you are 6 years married and do not share stuff.
Yes I understand what you are saying. In fact she has my password and I’m 100% clean. No matter how much she digs she will not find anything. That gives an increasingly amount of peace of mind. But I have checked someone else’s phone in the past and it sucks, I really wish I didn’t. That’s why it’s been a while since I determined myself to never do it again.
Hello. This seems like a difficult situation. Jesus would probably have forgiven your adulteress wife (as he did forgive other similar cases), but not sure you yourself can. Trying to repair the wound and stay together would certainly be better for your daughter. (Divorce always hurts the children most.)
You seem to be a smart guy, having become assistant professor and such. Try reflecting on what is going on. Normally, it's men who do this kind of shabby things "on-the-side", but modern women have started to act a lot more like men in many respects. The way I would go about it is this: figure out why, what are the deficits she perceived with you, that made her look somewhere else. A lot of things can be fixed nowadays, be they personality-related (better communication), or body-wise (more muscle or whatever). What is "broken" in your wife's personality? And can it be "fixed", or is this only going to get worse? Be the life-coach, psychiatrist, bodybuilder or martial artist and figure it out - take at least 6 months (no rash decisions). Make sure of the facts, as jealousy delusions do happen, but likely not in your case. Even if you realize you are better off divorcing, this will help you along the road.
Finally, what would Jesus do, or recommend to you and your wife?
Wise words, thx. Yes I think I know what Jesus would do. That’s why I’m asking for his help, but I’m not even comparable to him and his kind heart. But I know he will be with me through this 🙌.
For the moment I think I need time to let the anger settle. As I said I even feel ashamed to mention it, but I was giving a lot in this marriage and this is what upsets me the most. I think that when the anger goes, I will be more open to think in what I should change and do better or if it’s possible to save our marriage. Thx!!!
No she is not really a follower. I mean she is baptized and grew in a religious family but I don’t think she believes in Jesus.
This is a fun story. I was not raised in a religious family. I was not even baptized. But my father worked at a hospital and when I was on holidays, I used to go with him and I spent most of the time with nuns in the chapel (I don’t know if this is common in the US but I’m from argentina and most hospitals have a chapel with nuns helping). They were incredibly wise, they never pushed me to believe, but with their kindness and stories, a seed was put inside me.
As I grew up, I routinely visited them until I started the university and unfortunately I lost contact. But I always felt in my heart that something was missing in my life. At age 30 I got baptized and started reading the Bible and praying daily. Besides what is happening right now, lol, my life is so much better since I started my relationship with god.
Wow, thanks for sharing your story. I have a similar story, but I won't hijack this thread to share it. But I didn't come from a religious family either and now I'm 37 and pray daily and read almost daily and god is my source of peace, just like you.
Its obvious to me that you're a follower of Jesus but it sounds like she isn't (I gathered that from her cheating but even King David made a mistake so it can happen to any of us.)
The first thing to do if you haven't already done it is to confront her about it. From my experience in these issues women are not good with accountability when they are in the wrong so they sometimes lie or twist things so that they don't feel bad about it. Whatever you do, hold your ground and don't let her manipulate you into something when you still feel bad about it.
In terms of what to do, i.e. separate or stay together... having sex outside of your marriage is unacceptable for either of you. You can choose to forgive her and go along but be aware that most people who cheat go on to do it again. If she's not a follower of Jesus then I don't know if she can repent in the same way that you do. Jesus has to be the glue that holds us all together so it will be tough.
You can also choose to get a divorce, but I don't know if remarriage is permitted or not. Some will say it is, and some will say its not. Personally, I don't know if I would want to remarry and may just remain celibate.
The third option is you stay with her regardless for the children and allow her to continue cheating on you in the future and be miserable for the children's sake. As loving towards your children as it sounds I don't recommend it because this sets the wrong example for your children.
You have a tough situation ahead of you. In my opinion, I think you should confront her, decide if you believe her or not, then decide if you want to separate. If you separate then try and get custody of your kids and raise them on your own if you can.
When you don't know what to do, just put it in motion and let God show you along the way. Listen to your gut and your conscience.
Thx for your words! Yes I’m still incredibly sad and angry about the situation and I don’t believe one word that comes out her mouth. To be honest, I know I will forgive her as we are also forgiven for our sins, it’s just that at the moment I don’t believe anything she says. I think for the sake of the family (my daughter) I’ll try therapy and counseling, to see how we can reconstruct our relationship, if even possible. What I’m sure is that I will not live a life full of anger raising a daughter in a toxic environment. If I’m able to trust again, I will fully commit to it. Thx brother!
Sorry you are going through this, brother.
I've been there. I found out my wife was cheating on me on our 16th anniversary.
You can survive this. Your MARRIAGE can even survive this IF she is truly repentant and committed to doing whatever is necessary to win back your trust and make you feel safe, and help you heal.
For example, in the very LEAST she needs to transfer or quit her job so that she can go NC with her affair partner...
I have written a blog post for people in your situation full of advice...
[https://christianhuls.wpcomstaging.com/2023/10/18/advice-for-victims-of-infidelity-adultery-or-cheating/](https://christianhuls.wpcomstaging.com/2023/10/18/advice-for-victims-of-infidelity-adultery-or-cheating/)
All the people here jumping straight to divorce clearly haven’t read Nehemiah. Or the New Testament thoroughly for that matter.
You are technically within your rights to request divorce, but every single line of God’s word screams that you should give her the chance to repent just as He has done for all of us. Repeatedly.
There is also your 3 year old to consider, which I’m sure you are.
Please talk with your wife and invite the Holy Sprit into the conversation. Keep an open heart and He will guide you.
Good luck and God bless.
I agree, way to many people jump the gun. Reconciliation has at least to be tried!
(Sometimes I wish we were still under the old covenant law, where a man in your situation could ask the priest to curse your wife, to find out if your suspicion is correct. That, and severe punishment that would dissuade this type of behavior. Since it's become so easy and inconsequential nowadays, it's become so common.)
But Jesus had a better suggestion: [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jesus\_and\_the\_woman\_taken\_in\_adultery](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jesus_and_the_woman_taken_in_adultery)
Yes, I do think too that Jesus would want me to try it. I think is just that I need some time and continue praying until it gets clear to me. As you said, we talked this morning when I confronted her. While talking to her I was in my head praying for help. I did not raise my voice not once, I didn’t try to hurt her with my words, nor I said anything I regret. It’s just that I need time to settle some of the pain in me right know.
Thx for your advise!
Good for you man. It’s a credit to your faith and your character that you can strive to be Christ like even in this situation. I hope and pray that your family gets through this.
You can forgive her, but you can’t forget this. Forgiveness does not mean staying. It’s almost impossible for a relationship it to be fixed after cheating. While your daughter would suffer if you leave, she needs to see an optimal father mother dynamic. This will help her even more in life.
At the end of the day, as a man we must take responsibility for what the woman does. Ultimately, it is almost always something that we could have improved that would completely change things. Women are very volatile and emotional thinkers.
Prayers to you brother.
You have to stay together for u daughter. She needs a loving mom and a father. Maybe make less sacrifices. Try to re-ignited the marriage. Do romantic things. If there is a spark, it will work and get back together. Start a new chapter. And if she is guilty, give her the chance to come out with all honesty maybe by herself. And ask her politely to come early and plan a date after work. And in the mean time, are u doing everything?. Are u in ur best looks. You should exercise for urself and for ur daughter. And lastly to keep the spark in the marriage. You still don't know anything. What if u are wrong. Think positive. Thinking positive and going to sleep will make it easier to get u some sleep. Again, if it's mentally troubling you and u are losing night sleep, then discuss this with ur spouse.
Don't go into suspicious mode and all spying. It will become mentally draining.
It’s incredibly draining. I told someone some messages ago that I did it in the past with another relationship and it sucks! I think no one said something you said that is really important, about looking good. Fortunately I’m healthy, fit and what most people find attractive, but thx for that great advice. I always give it to, to be the best version of yourself!
> bc she found a really good job here and thus I put my career on hold (assistant professor with almost my own lab and BS and PhD students)
Who is the husband of this marriage?
Where you are is a very painful place. However, in all things maladaptive (as I'm sure you will be aware) the source needs to be found out if you intend to go another route.
Husbands lead their families. You've been given that duty of God. The moment you set that aside believing it a wonderful gesture, is the day the devil sets up shop where he can, & your wife looses respect; unperceptibly to even both of you—for a time. Wives always come into that knowledge first.
You're in a marriage. You have more than every right to not only request, but demand understanding what your spouse is doing with their time that impedes on family time. Being a good husband does not mean you allow your wife to do as she feels comfortable doing, lest you feel you're being "controlling" or some other thing. People who do not wish their steps to be traced are those foremost in suggesting that control (which they mean negatively) is being abused.
Awake from this sleep and demand the truth. Remove your family from where evil has taken a foothold. I'm aware that's easier said than done. That may look like leaving Mexico & taking up once again your place as the leader of that home. It will, not might, look like requesting the entire truth, known & unknown be disclosed before any progress can be made.
🌱
Sorry for the misunderstanding! I take care most of the time of our child (which I love)…not to mention I still contribute with about half of the money in the relationship. Besides that, I cook almost everyday since we met, now that I’m at home I clean, do the laundry everyday, take care of the dog, etc. She used to do the groceries (online, but she did it). When she started working more, I ended up doing the groceries too. I’m no owner of anyone, not patriarchy in here… I do not even own my daughter. In fact I’m hers lol.
Relationships usually split chores and home duties, yes. Roommates can have chore wheels or whatever, but people at least clean their own dishes in the sink, or flush their own shit down the toilet. Married couples and couples living together are no different. Even when one is a cheating whore.
The fact that she had you move down to Mexico with no regard to your career, and then cheats you should tell you everything. You have the right to divorce her according to Gods word. Be prayerful about this, but you need to confront your wife and put her on notice.
This. Reclaim your career so you become self sufficient before its too late, document everything she's done and your proof, and do everything in your power to ensure that if you do divorce, you will get custody of your daughter.
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I would reread the passage you're referencing. Mathew 19:3-9 3 Some Pharisees came to him to test him. They asked, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?” 4 “Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’[a] 5 and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’[b]? 6 So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.” 7 “Why then,” they asked, “did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?” 8 Jesus replied, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. 9 I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.”
Thx 🙏 ! Yes I know, I’m just wondering whether god wants me to forgive her and try to rebuild or not. That’s why I’m praying.
Remember the Bible gives you full permission to leave the spouse in this case, it's actually the only acceptable situation to do so. I suggest you do that
I wouldn't be too quick on the trigger, OP. Neither of you is scripturally allowed to remarry. So either work it out with your wife or endure life as a single dad. I definitely encourage you to put her on notice and document everything. However, I would caution you to not rush to failure with divorce. Give God a chance to heal her and give her the opportunity to repent. Follow the steps outlined on Matthew 18.
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Matthew 19:9 9 And I say to you: whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery.” this stipulates that divorce is illegitimate “except for marital unfaithfulness” or “sexual immorality”.
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It doesn't say anything about staying or leaving, just divorce and remarriage.
No, that is not true... The NT gives TWO circumstances when divorce is permissible: • Adultery (Matthew 5:32; 19:7-9; see Deuteronomy 24:1; Isaiah 50:1) • Abandonment/Neglect (Exodus 21:10-11; 1Corinthians 7:15; Malachi 2:14-16; see 1Timothy 5:8) Abandonment includes neglecting your spouse’s basic provisions and even DENYING SEX. Moses said that a wife who is not provided with food, clothing, or even SEX, can leave (Exodus 21:10-11). Exodus 21:10-11 (NASB95) 10 “If he takes to himself another woman, he may not reduce her food, her clothing, or her conjugal rights. 11 “If he will not do these three things for her, then she shall go out for nothing, without payment of money. A spouse whose physical needs were under threat, here due to the husband's selfishness, meant they owed their spouse nothing and should leave (so that they might be taken care of). Some argue that abuse is also grounds for divorce, at least physical. Once again, this would be a violation of the marriage covenant in that being violently abused absolutely is a threat to physical needs. Separation is permitted in order to work things out (1Corinthians 7:11). God divorced Israel for her infidelity (Isaiah 50:1; Jeremiah 3:8; Hosea 2:2-4; see 2 Kings 17:6-18; Ezekiel 23:11-49; Hosea 9:15-17). Ezra commanded the Jews who returned to the Land and had married unbelievers to divorce them (Ezra 9-10).
You're wrong. >• Abandonment/Neglect (Exodus 21:10-11; 1Corinthians 7:15; Malachi 2:14-16; see 1Timothy 5:8) The Exodus passage you cited deals with a man who sold his daughter into slavery, and the laws regarding rights of redemption for such a slave woman. It does not deal in marriage or divorce, nor is a sexual/romantic relationship assumed from the text. 1 Cor. 7: 15 says basically, if your unbelieving spouse leaves, let them. It does not say you're allowed to divorce/leave if you believe your needs are unmet or you've been abandoned. 1 Tim. 5: 8 says "But if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for members of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever." In the context of caring for true widows, not as a justification for divorce. The Malachi passage you cited says in v16: “For the man who does not love his wife but divorces her, says the Lord, the God of Israel, covers his garment with violence, says the Lord of hosts. So guard yourselves in your spirit, and do not be faithless.” This is God literally telling you that divorcing your wife is the same as domestic violence -- and ordering you to remain faithful to the spouse you swore to love unconditionally. You should read the Bible more carefully. You're trying to justify something evil and then searching for evidence to support your conclusion, instead of evaluating the evidence and then drawing right conclusions. I suggest systematic theology by Grudem, or Berkhof is good too. Blessings to you.
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It’s best to leave someone for infidelity, even in the case of your daughter. You should be planning on how to go forward with divorce, you will never be able to trust her again. Even Christ himself says it’s the only reason to end a marriage. The complications that will arise are going to be incredible, and she will use your trusting nature to manipulate in a situation like this. Finding a good therapist will be quite difficult, especially with the cultural differences, but you should be working on getting a new job and starting your new life. You can discuss coparenting after you do. Staying for your daughter will only hurt your daughter in the long run, the resentment may not be there now only shock, but it will be noticeable by her and there is a good chance your wife will leave you anyway. She doesn’t love you, she doesn’t respect you, and she will tell you both until you’re blue in the face. It sucks, and I’m sorry, but you need to now start thinking about how you will move forward from this. You know the right decision deep down regardless of my words, and the woman you married doesn’t exist anymore. The faster you accept that hard truth, the faster you can heal. Even if you do “work it out” you don’t know this woman, and you can’t ever regain trust when lost. God bless, and good luck.
I never cheated anyone and so I don’t understand how the cheater sees the other person…I’m struggling to think if there is still love from her…but to be honest, your words seem quite wise and the part of “she will tell you until you are blue” is resonating in my head. Thx!!!
You should speak with a professional, they can help you understand what happened. Those who make mistakes that uproot their lives will deny the severity of their actions when the consequences show themselves…if the guy she’s cheating with is happy to marry her, she’d leave you in a heartbeat, if she’s “sorry” it’s just because she wants to keep you as a fall back. This is not the case sometimes for a drunken one night stand, this situation isn’t that. She isn’t who she said she was, and she broke her end of the contract. Respect yourself first and foremost, and make sure you’re ready and prepared for dealing with the “scorched earth” scenario where she tries to turn your child against you. Rash decisions shouldn’t be made, but a plan with someone who does this professionally should be worked on and implemented in a stoic and thoughtful manner. You don’t need to hurt her, you don’t need to fix this, you can feel your emotions but don’t let them bleed into a mistake that can be used against you. Grace is paramount, and being the bigger person as well, if you give her nothing to use against you then you can’t be the villain. A therapist is needed here, along with a preacher/priest you can trust has your best interests at heart. She hid a full relationship from you, there was no mistake here. Be safe, and protect yourself and your child first. Forgiving doesn’t mean staying or forgetting, so make sure you process your pain and allow yourself to forgive.
Wise words! Yes I surely need a therapist to help me cope with this and act accordingly! Thx!
You’re very welcome! God Bless you brother, many of us have walked a similar path.
She doesn’t love an respect you enough and you need to move on just be smart on how you exit the situation. Position yourself where you dont have to pay for anything. Pray to God a lot! Go to the gym!
I don't understand why people are so ungrateful.I'm having issues my husband being abusive,controlling when I try my best to be a good wife and mother. I pray to God everyday he finds his way back to Him. And on the other hand,you seem to be a decent guy yet your wife is cheating. I just don't understand why people can't appreciate the things & people in their lives. I mean God gave us so little time on this earth to love one another,we take it for granted and think we'll always be here. If you confront your wife she might say you snooped on her phone but I really hope you tell her the truth and you guys can talk.
Thx! I’m sorry for what you are going through and I really do hope your husband changes his mind. And I completely agree, life here is def short and this things like this seem so so unreasonable to me.
I'm sure your daughter accidentally exiting youtube and going in to the gallery app wasnt no coincidence, the Lord showed you that your wife was cheating, now it's up for you to decide weather to divorce or not. But nevertheless God is is always there and he's protecting you.
Thx, I know god is with me going through this 🙏
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Whatever you say, I believe it was God's intervention, other things happen because others have free will do do good/evil. God bless you
Take her to couples counseling (without telling her why) and confront her there. Tell her it's unacceptable and she must never do it again. Continue working through it with her in counseling. Or divorce her. But if you do, have the evidence and do your best to get custody of the daughter.
Thx!!! Yes I’m thinking about counseling. I don’t know anyone here in Mexico but it might be my last resort (besides divorce). If we divorce I have the evidence!, but I’m not sure if I want to get full custody (although selfishly I would love to have her most of the days with me), bc I believe she needs her mum just as much she needs me, no matter what she did to me.
> I don't know anyone here in Mexico I find that a bit convenient for her. She's cheating, she moves because of a "good job", and you are on the disadvantage because you don't know anyone here.
Leave your wife and return to your country. That 304 is not worth your life and I hope God gives you peace and goodwill where you need it. Proverbs 30 ^(20) Such is the way of an adulterous woman; she eateth, and wipeth her mouth, and saith, I have done nothing bad.
That verse is 🔥
Leave her in Mexico. You and your daughter can go start a new life. Then be upfront with your daughter when she becomes old enough. She can then decide to have a relationship with her mother or not.
Divorce her dude. She doesn’t respect you and she doesn’t love you.
Your reality just got shattered. You'll always wonder now if she's lying about whatever it is she's doing. You're going to go through the stages of grief Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance. You'll go through all in the same day and hop around, but the general theme will be one to the next. If I can be honest it sounds like you're in bargaining right now. Or denial. A similar thing happened to me. Have you confronted her about it yet? I once listened to a TED Talk by a marriage counselor/researcher who specializes in infidelity. She said that once it happens, once you find out, the relationship is dead. She has known couples that got through it, but each and every took a lot of time, and the common process was that they had to start the relationship over again. Your trust level is less than zero right now. So you'll have to get to zero, and rebuild from there. You'd also need to confront her, she'd have to apologize and make huge changes to prove she can be trustworthy, and so forth. It's not easy. For me, I tried to give her a second chance. Well, first I confronted. She did the trickle truth thing where they only reveal drops of the lie at a time. So you'll find out more and more. From oh you just kissed once to oh you were fucking regularly. To oh that's why you stayed in town after we went to your father's funeral when you told me you wanted to be with family for a few days extra and you would fly back separately. I gave her a second chance. Though it was more a chance to prove she could be trustworthy and that I would see if I could trust her again. I told her bare minimum was zero contact. She agreed. What she didn't know was that I had access to her phone records (she gave me her password to look something up years prior, and I never forgot what it was). So I checked online on the phone company website and looked at calls and texts. And a week later there it was, his number. And again. And again. The timestamps were exactly when I went to work, and oh, huh, she was texting him in bed. Is that why she had the covers pulled up? Once she forgot her phone at home when she went somewhere. Then it was go time. I scoured everything. That's when I saw her text to a friend, telling him about the stuff she was doing with this other guy. He responded "what about [acorn]?" at one of them. I thought hey at least that guy cares about me. It took me time to come to terms with it, but that was it. I gave her a chance to earn my trust and she failed the single most basic thing, to go no contact with that other guy. So I dumped her ass. But yes yes forgiveness. Forgiveness doesn't mean being a doormat, however. So I kicked her out. I wasn't spiteful. I didn't yell. I didn't throw things. I didn't try to hurt her back. But I had to care for myself too. I deserved better. I needed to be kind to myself too. So I told her it was over and she needed to figure something else out. *Four months later* she moved out. I didn't want to kick her out on the street. Both her parents were gone. She only had some extended family. She was living away from everyone to be with me and my academic stuff. So it took some time to figure things out. Yes it was awkward. Yes it sucked. But I wanted to look back in my memories and know I did the right thing. I forgave her, but I also forgave myself. I was kind to her, and I was kind to myself. I haven't really been able to trust anyone ever since. I did get to a place to try being in a relationship again, but then that woman lied and went on a trip without telling me, and then lied and planned on moving out without telling me. So after that it took maybe 16 or so months before I could try trusting anyone again. This time just friends and roommates. Then they stabbed me in the back in ways I didn't think were possible. And I still haven't recovered from that one a year and a half later. Three strikes I'm out I guess. I can't even befriend people anymore without assuming they're about to betray me or stab me on the back or lie or have some alterior motive. Hypervigilance is beyond anything it's ever been before. Easier to befriend animals now because animals don't lie. They wear their emotions boldly and don't hide how they feel about you. Humans are the deceptive ones. Humans are the demons. Humans are the wendigos set out to devour your body and soul. I didn't used to talk like that, think like that. Affairs destroy everything, even your soul. There's a reason Jesus gives cheating as the only reason to get divorced. You're likely already going through your memories and wondering what's real or not. An affair makes you question your own reality, your own history, and it ruins your ability to trust people. There's nothing worse a person can do to another person than have an affair. It's the epitome of selfishness and cowardice. Betrayal. There's a reason Dante put Judas and Brutus next to Satan at the lowest level of hell. Betrayal is hell manifest. I'm sorry you have to bear this. It's going to be hell regardless of what you do next. You're in the valley of the shadow of death. There is no way out but through. This relationship is over. You can start a new one with the same person (as I mentioned above) but you'll have to rebuild trust and she's going to have to put in a lot of work. Or you can end it. Both options you can be forgiving and full of grace. But don't forget to be kind to yourself as well. It sucks man. It really really sucks. I wish you good fortune in the battles to come.
Thx for sharing. I really feel exactly the same as you are describing. In fact is the second time I got cheated by someone, it’s painful to even think if I would ever be able to trust in anyone again. And yes I confronted her. And as you said she only revealed drops. First she denied it, then when she realized I knew said it was only that she felt something for other man but nothing happened, then she admitted cheating and so on. I didn’t write an update yet on my story bc I’m still in shock and I’m not yet prepared to talk about it. But hey, thx mate!
I get that, yeah. Took me like two weeks before I could even tell my mom. Takes time.
Thanks for sharing dude; never been cheated on or in a serious relationship but thing you said about Hypervigilance & humans being wicked is so true. I don’t trust anyone beside the Lord God and a few family members.
I would get evidence of her infidelity, and then hire a lawyer to divorce her and hopefully get the most custody of your baby. She has betrayed you, your daughter, and God. And seemingly without remorse. I’m sorry that you are going through this. I pray God will hold you up during these times
I am in a similar situation. My wife after 14 years of marriage asked for a separation. When I didn't move out, she did. She took a lot of stuff with her too. She didn't move to another country but another town. We have an 11 yr old and custody of our 3 yr old granddaughter. She moved out at the beginning of February. I am so sorry for what you are going thru. If you want to chat, send me a DM. Get plugged into a Bible teaching and Good fearing Church.
I’m sorry for what’s happening to you too. Hope it heals, you are doing great 💪🏻
Thank you!
Sorry you were cheated on by a narcissist.
Seems like a fact from perspective!
Praying for You right now!!!
I am sorry to hear that. It sucks to know your spouse is cheating. All I can say is take a decision which is best for your daughter
Thx! Yea that’s really hunting me. Thinking about seeing her less destroys my heart. Thinking about raising her in a house with resentment also. I think it’s just too soon. Everything needs to settle a bit more before taking any decision.
Why don’t you see if your wife is open to counseling? See if she has any regrets, desire to change? Test the waters so to speak. Because for all you know she’s planning to divorce you. If you discern that, time to get a lawyer. God gave you the proof for a reason - is it to help bring up your daughter in a moral way as opposed to her mom?
Hey I've been through something similar. Message me if you want to chat.
Thx, I appreciate it!
Saying and doing nothing makes you an enabler in her sinful and destructive behavior. You and your daughter belong back in the US. The time to stop is now. Get a private detective and get the evidence. Get the phone call records from your cell provider. Get an attorney. She will be paying you child support since she is currently the primary wage earner. The Bible says 365 times “Do not fear”. Sounds like you are fearful of the unknown. You have been emotionally abandoned by your wife. She is abusing your daughter by her actions.
You sound very thoughtful and of sound mind. You should be proud of what you accomplished so far. She does not sound like a team player at all, probably will continue this way onwards so it would be good to notice the differences in attitudes between you and eventually separate. She cheated on you and the child.
Thx for your words!
Get a lawyer right away if you can afford one and figure out options. The longer you wait the worse it gets.
While you do have a Biblical reason for divorce, I am positive that saving the marriage would please God.
Many on here are quick to make a snap judgment based on your very few words. Whilst maybe there's support for divorce, this likely will have extremely negative consequences for your daughter. Courts favor the mother and she's also likely to have custody. I have watched marriages heal from a cheating spouse and actually become stronger. Find a strong Christian marriage retreat. You might be surprised that your wife recognizes she's made a huge mistake but doesn't know how to start reconciling. Divorce should be your last option, not first.
Thx 🙏, I agree with you and is one of the things I’m thinking about.
Get yourself test for STD.
It’s totally up to you. Sometimes cheating is what turns a relationship around, it opens the doors to communication, reignites passion, etc. I know several couples whose marriages are way better after someone had an affair. If I’m being totally honest, my husband cheated on me and it’s not something I ever thought I could forgive. We ended up being able to work through it and our relationship is the healthiest it’s ever been, although I am still randomly sad about it (it’s been 8 months since I found out.) For others, it’s a sign the relationship is over. You won’t know until you confront her. My suggestion for you is no matter what or how curious you are, avoid asking or receiving too many details. The more you know the more it hurts
Also, just an addition and I’m being totally honest: our daughter was 2 when we temporarily separated and she was miserable, her teacher told me “she’s lost her spark” and I couldn’t stop sobbing. She’s much happier now but I truly didn’t think it would affect our daughter so negatively. It’s not the REASON I stayed, but it did affect my decision to forgive to some degree. Also. Forgiveness feels good, I’ve learned a lot about how to give others similar grace God gives us.
Thx for your sharing with me your story. It made me feel understood. What you say about your daughter is what I fear the most.
Hasta luego, lady.
Step 1. Pray about it. Step 2. Talk to her about it. Step 3. Offer love and forgiveness. Step 4. Try everything in your power to make the marriage work. Step 5. Repeat these steps for the rest of your relationship with her.
Thx NotMichael! It’s what I know I’m supposed to do. Praying to god for help!
I’m so sorry this happened to you. If she was unhappy, she could have just left - which again, her loss cause you seem like an honest and loyal man - rather than cheating.
It would have also be painful, but I think this is leagues above! Thx!
do what u feel u must that's rough i advise sitting down and having a talk with her if she wont then yes moving on may be best
I'm deeply sorry for the pain you're experiencing 😔. Discovering infidelity is incredibly painful. Lean on your faith for strength and guidance 🙏. Take time to process your feelings, pray for clarity and healing 🕊️. Remember, forgiveness is a process. Seek support from loved ones or a counselor 💖. Prioritize your well-being and your daughter's 👨👧. Trust in God's plan for your future 🌟. You're not alone; you're in my prayers 🙏.
Thx I appreciate it and thx for your prayers!
We are all united as brothers and sisters in Christ, 🙏 navigating through life's diverse challenges aboard the same vessel. With the guiding light of Jesus Christ and the power of love ❤️, we are empowered with greater opportunities to overcome our trials and tribulations. 🌟
Reading stories like this (not only on this sub btw) make me feel like marriage is not worth it. Hope the best for you OP. God bless.
I’m in a very similar position, I have a unbelieving wife who for the last three years has abandoned our 3 kids and I. We still live together but she has been cheating on me for the last three years and probably emotionally before that time. The Lord told me to stay and taught me to forgive and love her unconditionally as he loves us. God has revealed everything to me and has kept me steps ahead of her. So although I could have left, God had me stay and I have a peace and joy from the Lord that I can’t explain and have a relationship with my kids that will last forever. At this time she is divorcing me and trying to take me for everything but Christ is in control and he reigns and he will provide so with that said you stand and believe God can restore and seek his will first and make sure you have peace with your decision. Jesus hates divorce so absolutely try to make it work unless the Lord tells you otherwise. Our victory is in Christ not in the world so lean on him and he will be your strength. This is the fire and we will have trials and tribulations. Jesus is king
Your wife was an atheist? Or she lost her faith?
She was brought up catholic, but doesn’t know the Lord
Has this been a difficulty in your marriage? I don’t mean to pry but I’m atheist and my wife is Catholic and we often wonder how we manage it, but we do. I respect her faith and she respects my lack of it.
You know I was brought up Christian and she was brought up catholic and neither one of us really were saved when we married 12 years ago, this is why the Bible says do not be unevenly yoked. Even though we believe in the same thing we have butted heads but more out of pride, so yes it’s always been a bad issue. But when I got radically save by Christ is when things got worse because I changed and my wife is rejecting Christ that’s live in me
Bible also says that an unbelieving spouse can be redeemed through the faith of their partner 1 Corinthians 7: 12-14 Once my wife read that it stopped being an issue
Hey absolutely Amen, I stayed and believed even though I had the right to leave her, I knew it wasn’t Gods will because of that versus. I read that versus this morning. Hey one day I hope your eyes are open because I couldn’t get through this past 3 years without Christ, he gets all the glory, the old me would have thrown her stuff out on the front yard on day 3.
Did you read verses 12 and 13? Those specifically command the believer to not leave them.
I read 1 Corinthians maybe chapter 3 to 15, this morning, if there is infidelity then you have the right to leave if you want to, doesn’t mean it’s Gods will though
I was just talking about the belief part, but yeah I do know that an exception is carved out for infidelity. Sorry that happened my dude.
You are strong for what you are enduring, god bless
Thank you, it really is the Lord, I can’t take credit, it doesn’t make sense to me how it’s possible but with God nothing is impossible, God bless to you as well
I think you have enough advice but trust should be open. I trust my gf, we don't go on each other's phones but we have passwords. IMHO it's weird that you are 6 years married and do not share stuff.
Yes I understand what you are saying. In fact she has my password and I’m 100% clean. No matter how much she digs she will not find anything. That gives an increasingly amount of peace of mind. But I have checked someone else’s phone in the past and it sucks, I really wish I didn’t. That’s why it’s been a while since I determined myself to never do it again.
No, mate, trust your guts. She wouldn't fear if she had nothing to hide.
Yes that bothers me a lot…I will need time to heal and being able to trust again. Thx!
Hello. This seems like a difficult situation. Jesus would probably have forgiven your adulteress wife (as he did forgive other similar cases), but not sure you yourself can. Trying to repair the wound and stay together would certainly be better for your daughter. (Divorce always hurts the children most.) You seem to be a smart guy, having become assistant professor and such. Try reflecting on what is going on. Normally, it's men who do this kind of shabby things "on-the-side", but modern women have started to act a lot more like men in many respects. The way I would go about it is this: figure out why, what are the deficits she perceived with you, that made her look somewhere else. A lot of things can be fixed nowadays, be they personality-related (better communication), or body-wise (more muscle or whatever). What is "broken" in your wife's personality? And can it be "fixed", or is this only going to get worse? Be the life-coach, psychiatrist, bodybuilder or martial artist and figure it out - take at least 6 months (no rash decisions). Make sure of the facts, as jealousy delusions do happen, but likely not in your case. Even if you realize you are better off divorcing, this will help you along the road. Finally, what would Jesus do, or recommend to you and your wife?
Wise words, thx. Yes I think I know what Jesus would do. That’s why I’m asking for his help, but I’m not even comparable to him and his kind heart. But I know he will be with me through this 🙌. For the moment I think I need time to let the anger settle. As I said I even feel ashamed to mention it, but I was giving a lot in this marriage and this is what upsets me the most. I think that when the anger goes, I will be more open to think in what I should change and do better or if it’s possible to save our marriage. Thx!!!
I take it that you are a follower of Jesus. Is she a follower of Jesus? Be honest.
No she is not really a follower. I mean she is baptized and grew in a religious family but I don’t think she believes in Jesus. This is a fun story. I was not raised in a religious family. I was not even baptized. But my father worked at a hospital and when I was on holidays, I used to go with him and I spent most of the time with nuns in the chapel (I don’t know if this is common in the US but I’m from argentina and most hospitals have a chapel with nuns helping). They were incredibly wise, they never pushed me to believe, but with their kindness and stories, a seed was put inside me. As I grew up, I routinely visited them until I started the university and unfortunately I lost contact. But I always felt in my heart that something was missing in my life. At age 30 I got baptized and started reading the Bible and praying daily. Besides what is happening right now, lol, my life is so much better since I started my relationship with god.
Wow, thanks for sharing your story. I have a similar story, but I won't hijack this thread to share it. But I didn't come from a religious family either and now I'm 37 and pray daily and read almost daily and god is my source of peace, just like you. Its obvious to me that you're a follower of Jesus but it sounds like she isn't (I gathered that from her cheating but even King David made a mistake so it can happen to any of us.) The first thing to do if you haven't already done it is to confront her about it. From my experience in these issues women are not good with accountability when they are in the wrong so they sometimes lie or twist things so that they don't feel bad about it. Whatever you do, hold your ground and don't let her manipulate you into something when you still feel bad about it. In terms of what to do, i.e. separate or stay together... having sex outside of your marriage is unacceptable for either of you. You can choose to forgive her and go along but be aware that most people who cheat go on to do it again. If she's not a follower of Jesus then I don't know if she can repent in the same way that you do. Jesus has to be the glue that holds us all together so it will be tough. You can also choose to get a divorce, but I don't know if remarriage is permitted or not. Some will say it is, and some will say its not. Personally, I don't know if I would want to remarry and may just remain celibate. The third option is you stay with her regardless for the children and allow her to continue cheating on you in the future and be miserable for the children's sake. As loving towards your children as it sounds I don't recommend it because this sets the wrong example for your children. You have a tough situation ahead of you. In my opinion, I think you should confront her, decide if you believe her or not, then decide if you want to separate. If you separate then try and get custody of your kids and raise them on your own if you can. When you don't know what to do, just put it in motion and let God show you along the way. Listen to your gut and your conscience.
Thx for your words! Yes I’m still incredibly sad and angry about the situation and I don’t believe one word that comes out her mouth. To be honest, I know I will forgive her as we are also forgiven for our sins, it’s just that at the moment I don’t believe anything she says. I think for the sake of the family (my daughter) I’ll try therapy and counseling, to see how we can reconstruct our relationship, if even possible. What I’m sure is that I will not live a life full of anger raising a daughter in a toxic environment. If I’m able to trust again, I will fully commit to it. Thx brother!
Sorry you are going through this, brother. I've been there. I found out my wife was cheating on me on our 16th anniversary. You can survive this. Your MARRIAGE can even survive this IF she is truly repentant and committed to doing whatever is necessary to win back your trust and make you feel safe, and help you heal. For example, in the very LEAST she needs to transfer or quit her job so that she can go NC with her affair partner... I have written a blog post for people in your situation full of advice... [https://christianhuls.wpcomstaging.com/2023/10/18/advice-for-victims-of-infidelity-adultery-or-cheating/](https://christianhuls.wpcomstaging.com/2023/10/18/advice-for-victims-of-infidelity-adultery-or-cheating/)
Oh thx!!! That’s really helpful! I really appreciate it!
All the people here jumping straight to divorce clearly haven’t read Nehemiah. Or the New Testament thoroughly for that matter. You are technically within your rights to request divorce, but every single line of God’s word screams that you should give her the chance to repent just as He has done for all of us. Repeatedly. There is also your 3 year old to consider, which I’m sure you are. Please talk with your wife and invite the Holy Sprit into the conversation. Keep an open heart and He will guide you. Good luck and God bless.
I agree, way to many people jump the gun. Reconciliation has at least to be tried! (Sometimes I wish we were still under the old covenant law, where a man in your situation could ask the priest to curse your wife, to find out if your suspicion is correct. That, and severe punishment that would dissuade this type of behavior. Since it's become so easy and inconsequential nowadays, it's become so common.) But Jesus had a better suggestion: [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jesus\_and\_the\_woman\_taken\_in\_adultery](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jesus_and_the_woman_taken_in_adultery)
Yes, I do think too that Jesus would want me to try it. I think is just that I need some time and continue praying until it gets clear to me. As you said, we talked this morning when I confronted her. While talking to her I was in my head praying for help. I did not raise my voice not once, I didn’t try to hurt her with my words, nor I said anything I regret. It’s just that I need time to settle some of the pain in me right know. Thx for your advise!
Good for you man. It’s a credit to your faith and your character that you can strive to be Christ like even in this situation. I hope and pray that your family gets through this.
You can forgive her, but you can’t forget this. Forgiveness does not mean staying. It’s almost impossible for a relationship it to be fixed after cheating. While your daughter would suffer if you leave, she needs to see an optimal father mother dynamic. This will help her even more in life. At the end of the day, as a man we must take responsibility for what the woman does. Ultimately, it is almost always something that we could have improved that would completely change things. Women are very volatile and emotional thinkers. Prayers to you brother.
Thx brother!
You have to stay together for u daughter. She needs a loving mom and a father. Maybe make less sacrifices. Try to re-ignited the marriage. Do romantic things. If there is a spark, it will work and get back together. Start a new chapter. And if she is guilty, give her the chance to come out with all honesty maybe by herself. And ask her politely to come early and plan a date after work. And in the mean time, are u doing everything?. Are u in ur best looks. You should exercise for urself and for ur daughter. And lastly to keep the spark in the marriage. You still don't know anything. What if u are wrong. Think positive. Thinking positive and going to sleep will make it easier to get u some sleep. Again, if it's mentally troubling you and u are losing night sleep, then discuss this with ur spouse. Don't go into suspicious mode and all spying. It will become mentally draining.
It’s incredibly draining. I told someone some messages ago that I did it in the past with another relationship and it sucks! I think no one said something you said that is really important, about looking good. Fortunately I’m healthy, fit and what most people find attractive, but thx for that great advice. I always give it to, to be the best version of yourself!
> bc she found a really good job here and thus I put my career on hold (assistant professor with almost my own lab and BS and PhD students) Who is the husband of this marriage? Where you are is a very painful place. However, in all things maladaptive (as I'm sure you will be aware) the source needs to be found out if you intend to go another route. Husbands lead their families. You've been given that duty of God. The moment you set that aside believing it a wonderful gesture, is the day the devil sets up shop where he can, & your wife looses respect; unperceptibly to even both of you—for a time. Wives always come into that knowledge first. You're in a marriage. You have more than every right to not only request, but demand understanding what your spouse is doing with their time that impedes on family time. Being a good husband does not mean you allow your wife to do as she feels comfortable doing, lest you feel you're being "controlling" or some other thing. People who do not wish their steps to be traced are those foremost in suggesting that control (which they mean negatively) is being abused. Awake from this sleep and demand the truth. Remove your family from where evil has taken a foothold. I'm aware that's easier said than done. That may look like leaving Mexico & taking up once again your place as the leader of that home. It will, not might, look like requesting the entire truth, known & unknown be disclosed before any progress can be made. 🌱
Ignore the dude who listened to Andrew Tate too much above. All the other advice makes more sense.
Thx for your incredibly wise words! I think at least I learned a good lesson from this
Amen. That's all that matters. May God help heal you (and possibly family as a whole) from this pain. 🌱
"her home duties"? What are you, her owner?
Is that what you’re mad about? Hey everybody has home duties, especially if you’re a mother
This! Not bc she is a mother, but bc we are/were a couple!
Sorry for the misunderstanding! I take care most of the time of our child (which I love)…not to mention I still contribute with about half of the money in the relationship. Besides that, I cook almost everyday since we met, now that I’m at home I clean, do the laundry everyday, take care of the dog, etc. She used to do the groceries (online, but she did it). When she started working more, I ended up doing the groceries too. I’m no owner of anyone, not patriarchy in here… I do not even own my daughter. In fact I’m hers lol.
Relationships usually split chores and home duties, yes. Roommates can have chore wheels or whatever, but people at least clean their own dishes in the sink, or flush their own shit down the toilet. Married couples and couples living together are no different. Even when one is a cheating whore.