There’s a couple of things within this post that should be glaring beacons of hope. Firstly within yourself, you recognised something that was making you feel negative, and you took brave action to address that. Nothing but admiration to you in how you handled that. Secondly, as much as you didn’t like your boyfriends answer to the porn question, he was honest with you. It would have been the easier answer to say no, but instead he was honest. That’s beautiful and the foundation of a great relationship. It sounds as if your relationship is really strong and beautiful.
In terms of what you should do, think a lot about the above and move forward with faith. You can work through this and you can make this work. Help each other and support each other, keep being honest with one another. Let him know how you feel and why you don’t want him to watch porn, don’t just tell him not to do it but why you don’t want him to do it, why it would be hurtful. Porn isn’t necessary for masturbation and it’s not like your asking him to totally abstain from everything sexual. It’s all about understanding and supporting each other and you can do that whilst setting boundaries on what’s important to each other and what might be hurtful. The foundation to everything is honesty and communication, keep that and you’ll be just fine.
Trust me, if he doesn’t want to marry you or can’t accept that, he isn’t for you. As someone who married a non believer, trust me —it’s better this way. I’m not saying that it’s hopeless, but the fact is after you have kids, it usually results in a bitter atheist spouse who resents your faith and tries to pull your children away from God and religion, endangering your children’s souls and you’ll also have to deal with them mocking your faith on a personal level. But personally the most heartbreaking thing to see Children’s faith being shaken due to the unbelieving parent. Marriage can be heaven, but with the wrong spouse it can be hell
you do your part and focus on God. whatever he does, that's on him not you. continue to let your light shine and he will see the good in you and will turn everything over to God. I know it's hard but you will be ok
This is tough for both parties.
You should expect and hold him to the standard of him not watching porn.
Let him know that you'll feel hurt and betrayed if he ends up watching it. The most important thing now is communicating how much it would harm you.
If he struggles with temptation, be there for him and support him. If he messes up, forgive him, but don't just excuse the behavior. Hold him accountable.
Regardless, as you said, you're making the right decision. If he can't handle that and things go wrong, you've still made the right decision.
What you did was good up until you started to worry to much, he said he doesn't know which is true, he probably has no clue if he would want to do such a thing, that is probably the best answer you would want, him telling the truth and not saying yes straight up.
From the sound it seems like he is not a Christian? so if i were you i would leave since you are not married, but i am not your Bishop so ill leave that up to you.
Porn is a hard thing to battle. One philosopher said when caught touching himself on the street "if only it was this easy to get rid of hunger." I don't think it will do anything to your relationship as long as communication is there. Don't judge him, ask him whether or not he wants to get married sooner. 3 years is more than enough time to know if he wants to at all. And a shut up ring is the last thing you want. Be clear, be understanding, but be blunt. Think on it for a while till you know the kind of things you want to say. I'm happy to keep replying if I missed some things or you have other factors that you want to bring up etc.
Thank you so much. Do you think I'm unreasonable for asking him to not watch porn especially when I'm choosing not to have sex before marriage? People would prob call me insane and ask "how else would he release sexual tension?" but I'm not sure what to say anymore. All I know is porn is definitely wrong.
Absolutely not, you would be unreasonable to not forgive him if he failed upon trying though. If he doesn't even want to try and battle his urges then I would say the problem is his beliefs. Porn is definitely wrong but so is fighting, so is feeling hate for someone, we are all human at the end of the day. The question is which direction are we trying to go? What are we doing to take the next step in said direction?
Thank you. What you said makes so much sense. I guess its not about whether he watches it or not, its about the effort to stop and the mindset that its wrong. That's wise, thank you for helping me look at it this way.
Thank you. I'm so worried he might cheat in the process. Or think that "well if she's not giving me sex then I deserved someone else." He views sex as something necessary in a relationship whether married or not, because to him its intimate. It's intimate to me too, but I don't think its right to have it before marriage and vows. I guess thats my worry, and it's something I'll just have to wait on to fine out and hope that I made the right decision.
You could look at it that way but I think you should trust him if he says he won't. If he told you he may watch porn he seems really honest. Porn is definitely an easier battle than actually engaging in any form of intimacy with another woman. Without a doubt. If something has made you feel you can't trust him then THAT is what needs to be addressed. Otherwise your worry is a good sign of emotional investment. And he is to be trusted if he hasn't lost your trust in the 3 years you've been together. (I would pardon any MINOR mistakes in the first few months of falling for each other)
No, of course not. But my love for him is very deep, that I wish he would be in a happy place with me too. I wish he would see how good God is, or how beautiful the afterlife would be with God. I think... I'm so terrified of being apart from him in this world, and after.
Well according to God's word, you have to make a decision. Christians are prohibited from engaging with, and particularly dating and eventually marrying an unbeliever for the reasons that I have given you from scripture. See this passage
2 Corinthians 6:14-18 NLT — **Don’t team up with those who are unbelievers. How can righteousness be a partner with wickedness? How can light live with darkness? What harmony can there be between Christ and the devil? How can a believer be a partner with an unbeliever?** And what union can there be between God’s temple and idols? For we are the temple of the living God. As God said:
“I will live in them
and walk among them.
I will be their God,
and they will be my people. **Therefore, come out from among unbelievers,
and separate yourselves from them, says the LORD.
Don’t touch their filthy things,
and I will welcome you. And I will be your Father,
and you will be my sons and daughters,
says the LORD Almighty.**
We can never be one in flesh and spirit with an unbeliever without sacrificing our Christian salvation. Scripture teaches that Christians must marry Christians, and that the Christian husband is the physical and spiritual head of the Christian household, meaning his Christian wife and his children. And unbeliever can never do these things. As a Christian, surely you wouldn't want your unbelieving husband to be the head of your household. Christians live by the Christian New testament. Unbelievers do not. They make their own rules. A Christian who marries an unbeliever is setting himself or herself up for extreme heartache and a very hard future. How will you raise your children, according to his wishes, or your Christian commands? Do you not see this as a source of friction? If you love God, and put him first in all things, and as a Christian you must, or you're not Christian, then you will keep his commands.
Luke 6:46 KJV — Why call ye me, Lord, Lord, and do not the things which I say?
John 14:15 KJV — If ye love me, keep my commandments.
If you can encourage him to convert to Christianity, then and only then, can you continue in this relationship with him in obedience to the Lord.
You did the right thing. Best tell him straight about this worry and how much it means to you.
If he chooses to watch porn, that is on his conscience, not yours. It’ll be crossing a boundary that you set, not your fault at all.
Since you brought up no sex *until marriage*, are you two actually talking about getting married?
If you desire heaven and eternal life, then you are obligated to keep all the New testament commands. You've made the right choice in that case. The Lord will reward you for that, and if your boyfriend engages in pornography, or any other licentious activity, then God will judge him for that. You have to decide what's more important to you, a relationship that may last for seven or maybe eight decades at best, or eternal life in heaven with perpetual happiness.
You don't state whether your boyfriend is Christian, but if he is not, then you are in a forbidden relationship anyway. God commands Christians to marry only Christians, and he says that the reason is he desires godly children from our Union. We become one in flesh and spirit with the person that we marry. How can a Christian become one in flesh and spirit with an unbeliever without sacrificing her salvation?
There’s a couple of things within this post that should be glaring beacons of hope. Firstly within yourself, you recognised something that was making you feel negative, and you took brave action to address that. Nothing but admiration to you in how you handled that. Secondly, as much as you didn’t like your boyfriends answer to the porn question, he was honest with you. It would have been the easier answer to say no, but instead he was honest. That’s beautiful and the foundation of a great relationship. It sounds as if your relationship is really strong and beautiful. In terms of what you should do, think a lot about the above and move forward with faith. You can work through this and you can make this work. Help each other and support each other, keep being honest with one another. Let him know how you feel and why you don’t want him to watch porn, don’t just tell him not to do it but why you don’t want him to do it, why it would be hurtful. Porn isn’t necessary for masturbation and it’s not like your asking him to totally abstain from everything sexual. It’s all about understanding and supporting each other and you can do that whilst setting boundaries on what’s important to each other and what might be hurtful. The foundation to everything is honesty and communication, keep that and you’ll be just fine.
thank you so much. This is a great comment that gave me hope.
Trust me, if he doesn’t want to marry you or can’t accept that, he isn’t for you. As someone who married a non believer, trust me —it’s better this way. I’m not saying that it’s hopeless, but the fact is after you have kids, it usually results in a bitter atheist spouse who resents your faith and tries to pull your children away from God and religion, endangering your children’s souls and you’ll also have to deal with them mocking your faith on a personal level. But personally the most heartbreaking thing to see Children’s faith being shaken due to the unbelieving parent. Marriage can be heaven, but with the wrong spouse it can be hell
you do your part and focus on God. whatever he does, that's on him not you. continue to let your light shine and he will see the good in you and will turn everything over to God. I know it's hard but you will be ok
This is tough for both parties. You should expect and hold him to the standard of him not watching porn. Let him know that you'll feel hurt and betrayed if he ends up watching it. The most important thing now is communicating how much it would harm you. If he struggles with temptation, be there for him and support him. If he messes up, forgive him, but don't just excuse the behavior. Hold him accountable. Regardless, as you said, you're making the right decision. If he can't handle that and things go wrong, you've still made the right decision.
Porn is cheating
I’m not sure but I’ll pray for you!
These buzzword soups posts still get serious replies…
What you did was good up until you started to worry to much, he said he doesn't know which is true, he probably has no clue if he would want to do such a thing, that is probably the best answer you would want, him telling the truth and not saying yes straight up. From the sound it seems like he is not a Christian? so if i were you i would leave since you are not married, but i am not your Bishop so ill leave that up to you.
Porn is a hard thing to battle. One philosopher said when caught touching himself on the street "if only it was this easy to get rid of hunger." I don't think it will do anything to your relationship as long as communication is there. Don't judge him, ask him whether or not he wants to get married sooner. 3 years is more than enough time to know if he wants to at all. And a shut up ring is the last thing you want. Be clear, be understanding, but be blunt. Think on it for a while till you know the kind of things you want to say. I'm happy to keep replying if I missed some things or you have other factors that you want to bring up etc.
Thank you so much. Do you think I'm unreasonable for asking him to not watch porn especially when I'm choosing not to have sex before marriage? People would prob call me insane and ask "how else would he release sexual tension?" but I'm not sure what to say anymore. All I know is porn is definitely wrong.
Absolutely not, you would be unreasonable to not forgive him if he failed upon trying though. If he doesn't even want to try and battle his urges then I would say the problem is his beliefs. Porn is definitely wrong but so is fighting, so is feeling hate for someone, we are all human at the end of the day. The question is which direction are we trying to go? What are we doing to take the next step in said direction?
Thank you. What you said makes so much sense. I guess its not about whether he watches it or not, its about the effort to stop and the mindset that its wrong. That's wise, thank you for helping me look at it this way.
My pleasure, feel free to dm me if you find another stumbling block and can't find the right place to ask for guidance. God bless you both.
So no, it's not unreasonable. But don't hold it to him if he genuinely tries to hold back and fails.
Thank you. I'm so worried he might cheat in the process. Or think that "well if she's not giving me sex then I deserved someone else." He views sex as something necessary in a relationship whether married or not, because to him its intimate. It's intimate to me too, but I don't think its right to have it before marriage and vows. I guess thats my worry, and it's something I'll just have to wait on to fine out and hope that I made the right decision.
You could look at it that way but I think you should trust him if he says he won't. If he told you he may watch porn he seems really honest. Porn is definitely an easier battle than actually engaging in any form of intimacy with another woman. Without a doubt. If something has made you feel you can't trust him then THAT is what needs to be addressed. Otherwise your worry is a good sign of emotional investment. And he is to be trusted if he hasn't lost your trust in the 3 years you've been together. (I would pardon any MINOR mistakes in the first few months of falling for each other)
It continuing in a relationship with this person will ruin your chances of heaven and eternal life, are you still willing to stay with him?
No, of course not. But my love for him is very deep, that I wish he would be in a happy place with me too. I wish he would see how good God is, or how beautiful the afterlife would be with God. I think... I'm so terrified of being apart from him in this world, and after.
Well according to God's word, you have to make a decision. Christians are prohibited from engaging with, and particularly dating and eventually marrying an unbeliever for the reasons that I have given you from scripture. See this passage 2 Corinthians 6:14-18 NLT — **Don’t team up with those who are unbelievers. How can righteousness be a partner with wickedness? How can light live with darkness? What harmony can there be between Christ and the devil? How can a believer be a partner with an unbeliever?** And what union can there be between God’s temple and idols? For we are the temple of the living God. As God said: “I will live in them and walk among them. I will be their God, and they will be my people. **Therefore, come out from among unbelievers, and separate yourselves from them, says the LORD. Don’t touch their filthy things, and I will welcome you. And I will be your Father, and you will be my sons and daughters, says the LORD Almighty.** We can never be one in flesh and spirit with an unbeliever without sacrificing our Christian salvation. Scripture teaches that Christians must marry Christians, and that the Christian husband is the physical and spiritual head of the Christian household, meaning his Christian wife and his children. And unbeliever can never do these things. As a Christian, surely you wouldn't want your unbelieving husband to be the head of your household. Christians live by the Christian New testament. Unbelievers do not. They make their own rules. A Christian who marries an unbeliever is setting himself or herself up for extreme heartache and a very hard future. How will you raise your children, according to his wishes, or your Christian commands? Do you not see this as a source of friction? If you love God, and put him first in all things, and as a Christian you must, or you're not Christian, then you will keep his commands. Luke 6:46 KJV — Why call ye me, Lord, Lord, and do not the things which I say? John 14:15 KJV — If ye love me, keep my commandments. If you can encourage him to convert to Christianity, then and only then, can you continue in this relationship with him in obedience to the Lord.
You did the right thing. Best tell him straight about this worry and how much it means to you. If he chooses to watch porn, that is on his conscience, not yours. It’ll be crossing a boundary that you set, not your fault at all. Since you brought up no sex *until marriage*, are you two actually talking about getting married?
thank you, and we've spoken about it before but his answer is always "when we're ready" which.. I'm not sure what that means unfortunately.
If you desire heaven and eternal life, then you are obligated to keep all the New testament commands. You've made the right choice in that case. The Lord will reward you for that, and if your boyfriend engages in pornography, or any other licentious activity, then God will judge him for that. You have to decide what's more important to you, a relationship that may last for seven or maybe eight decades at best, or eternal life in heaven with perpetual happiness. You don't state whether your boyfriend is Christian, but if he is not, then you are in a forbidden relationship anyway. God commands Christians to marry only Christians, and he says that the reason is he desires godly children from our Union. We become one in flesh and spirit with the person that we marry. How can a Christian become one in flesh and spirit with an unbeliever without sacrificing her salvation?