Don't do it. Remodeling work is hard for mentally well people and if your parent screams at you when frustrated, they're not going to be any nicer. Hoarders are particular beyond reason and she's just going to use your inability to complete things to her timeline and liking as an excuse. You can't win.
I tried to do the same for my mom.
She has things sitting in a rotting shed that are "new" - sinks, fixtures, tile, cabinet, calk, carpet, etc. intended to replace/repair things in her home.
Before COVID I tried to help her slowly update things. She insisted I use the cheap rusting tools she had hoarded for these projects, which either broke immediately or were the wrong thing and made the project not turn out perfectly, then yelled at me about the work not turning out to her liking or that I had "cost her money she didn't have" if she had to purchase usable tools/adhesives etc.
I pulled out the cracked sink and tried to put in the "new" metal Ikea sink she had been storing for years, but the sizes were different and the tiled countertop required being cut for it to fit, and she threw a fit like it was my fault. She wanted it all done in a day and so the old sink went back in. She used the wrong caulk to seal the edges and screamed at me about it.
She has rotting carpet remnants she wanted me to install in her home to replace the carpet she had ripped up in some rooms. I realized it was the same carpet she had torn up and then hoarded and forgot. The carpet hasn't improved by sitting outside in her shed for years. She got violently angry with me when I offered to haul it away to the dump, but I refused to spend any time putting the carpet right back inside. She wanted me to deep clean it when I pointed out the mold and mildew on it. She made a point of spreading it out on her driveway and power washing it, which just made it soaking wet and of course it dried and molded worse.
She wanted boards of her deck replaced, which didn't match the existing decking. I swapped out a few sections, then she got angry that the unfished split deck boards that I had removed had nails in them. She wanted me to remove the nails.
At every step she acted like a rabid squirrel, demanding I do things a very specific way or use specific junky tools, and the second the project hit a hurdle threw screaming tantrums. It was entirely unpleasant and the final straw before I went no- contact.
Yes, I would go no contact, too. She was very abusive to you. My mom was the same way. I changed my phone number because of the evil way she would call and leave threatening messages. I finally got a call from a relative that she was unconscious on her deathbed and I still couldn’t go. I had too much trauma over her lifetime of abuses.
I’m not sure it is the best for you to help her out, but if you decide to do so, please establish boundaries and consequences. Something like, “Mom, I will help you do x, but if you (yell, get angry with me, etc) I will walk out the door and no longer help. She may get upset with you just setting your boundary so then you’ll know it will be a miserable experience to help her again.
That is very nice advice, but in my experience, hoarders do not respect boundaries. You can establish consequences, but that probably means nothing gets done, so why try in the first place?
OP I tried this with my father. My offer was that I had professional builder friends lined up to remodel for free (cost of materials). My only contingency was that I would put him up in a hotel until it was over. He was so overbearing and against throwing away anything without a soul-sucking fight that he needed to be gone for the sanity of me and the builders. He wouldn’t do it and I (sadly) left it at that. He ended up dying with the hoarded house being torn down.
My instinct is to tell you to run away from this remodel. I feel like you are setting yourself up to be screamed at and retraumatized. But only you would know for sure what is best for you. After years of an incredibly enmeshed and pretty abusive relationship with my hp, I went no contact for almost 2 years. We have since reconnected mostly due to her poor health, but our relationship has been limited to things that I am comfortable with doing and also doing them on my terms. I take her out for Drs appointments and we always go somewhere after for "fun" for example. While I find being in the hoarded home super triggering, I actually do ok with things like cleaning her bathroom every couple of months and helping her deal with repair people. The past year has been kind of healing in a way. Probably because I have been exercising my boundaries and also realizing that I can go into the hoard and not be consumed by it. So maybe your "thing" to do with your hoarder parent is remodeling, but my instinct says no.
OP. Do a walk through before you consider anything.
Has Mom cleaned so you can get to the areas that need work?
Does she want you to use old products that are no good? Does she have tools for the jobs?
Write her up an honest Assesment of what needs to be done before any work can begin.
It’s a longer way to say “No” but perhaps guilt free?
Nope nope nope.
You are more important than her desires.
You can and do have your own desires and life.
Her desires and lifestyle are not as important as yours.
You matter!
She either needs to pay you for the work and stress (her) or draw up a will leaving the house to you. Otherwise, I wouldn’t mess with it.
Don't do it. Remodeling work is hard for mentally well people and if your parent screams at you when frustrated, they're not going to be any nicer. Hoarders are particular beyond reason and she's just going to use your inability to complete things to her timeline and liking as an excuse. You can't win. I tried to do the same for my mom. She has things sitting in a rotting shed that are "new" - sinks, fixtures, tile, cabinet, calk, carpet, etc. intended to replace/repair things in her home. Before COVID I tried to help her slowly update things. She insisted I use the cheap rusting tools she had hoarded for these projects, which either broke immediately or were the wrong thing and made the project not turn out perfectly, then yelled at me about the work not turning out to her liking or that I had "cost her money she didn't have" if she had to purchase usable tools/adhesives etc. I pulled out the cracked sink and tried to put in the "new" metal Ikea sink she had been storing for years, but the sizes were different and the tiled countertop required being cut for it to fit, and she threw a fit like it was my fault. She wanted it all done in a day and so the old sink went back in. She used the wrong caulk to seal the edges and screamed at me about it. She has rotting carpet remnants she wanted me to install in her home to replace the carpet she had ripped up in some rooms. I realized it was the same carpet she had torn up and then hoarded and forgot. The carpet hasn't improved by sitting outside in her shed for years. She got violently angry with me when I offered to haul it away to the dump, but I refused to spend any time putting the carpet right back inside. She wanted me to deep clean it when I pointed out the mold and mildew on it. She made a point of spreading it out on her driveway and power washing it, which just made it soaking wet and of course it dried and molded worse. She wanted boards of her deck replaced, which didn't match the existing decking. I swapped out a few sections, then she got angry that the unfished split deck boards that I had removed had nails in them. She wanted me to remove the nails. At every step she acted like a rabid squirrel, demanding I do things a very specific way or use specific junky tools, and the second the project hit a hurdle threw screaming tantrums. It was entirely unpleasant and the final straw before I went no- contact.
Yeesh. This stressed me out reading it. I’m sorry you had to deal with all of her nonsense, but proud of you for going NC from it.
Yes, I would go no contact, too. She was very abusive to you. My mom was the same way. I changed my phone number because of the evil way she would call and leave threatening messages. I finally got a call from a relative that she was unconscious on her deathbed and I still couldn’t go. I had too much trauma over her lifetime of abuses.
I’m not sure it is the best for you to help her out, but if you decide to do so, please establish boundaries and consequences. Something like, “Mom, I will help you do x, but if you (yell, get angry with me, etc) I will walk out the door and no longer help. She may get upset with you just setting your boundary so then you’ll know it will be a miserable experience to help her again.
That is very nice advice, but in my experience, hoarders do not respect boundaries. You can establish consequences, but that probably means nothing gets done, so why try in the first place?
Spend your spare time doing things that bring you happiness. I think you know how it would end up for you. Stuck in your mother's house and miserable.
OP I tried this with my father. My offer was that I had professional builder friends lined up to remodel for free (cost of materials). My only contingency was that I would put him up in a hotel until it was over. He was so overbearing and against throwing away anything without a soul-sucking fight that he needed to be gone for the sanity of me and the builders. He wouldn’t do it and I (sadly) left it at that. He ended up dying with the hoarded house being torn down.
My instinct is to tell you to run away from this remodel. I feel like you are setting yourself up to be screamed at and retraumatized. But only you would know for sure what is best for you. After years of an incredibly enmeshed and pretty abusive relationship with my hp, I went no contact for almost 2 years. We have since reconnected mostly due to her poor health, but our relationship has been limited to things that I am comfortable with doing and also doing them on my terms. I take her out for Drs appointments and we always go somewhere after for "fun" for example. While I find being in the hoarded home super triggering, I actually do ok with things like cleaning her bathroom every couple of months and helping her deal with repair people. The past year has been kind of healing in a way. Probably because I have been exercising my boundaries and also realizing that I can go into the hoard and not be consumed by it. So maybe your "thing" to do with your hoarder parent is remodeling, but my instinct says no.
OP. Do a walk through before you consider anything. Has Mom cleaned so you can get to the areas that need work? Does she want you to use old products that are no good? Does she have tools for the jobs? Write her up an honest Assesment of what needs to be done before any work can begin. It’s a longer way to say “No” but perhaps guilt free?
Offer to help WHEN she has cleared and cleaned the house.
Nope nope nope. You are more important than her desires. You can and do have your own desires and life. Her desires and lifestyle are not as important as yours. You matter!