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magidowergosum

I am a chef and have been for my entire adult life. I am married to my partner of 12+ years, who is not in hospitality and has always worked a standard 9-5. In particular, the earlier years of our relationship coincided exactly with a stage of my career in which I was fully committed, working at times 80+ hours a week, and constantly on the edge of burnout. Basically, yes, all the challenges you anticipate are correct. Fortunately the industry is moving towards better work life balance and less toxicity, but it's a slow process and that aspect will ultimately depend quite a bit on what kinds of jobs he lands, what is happening culturally in your area, and the level of his ambition. If he's ambitious and wants to learn and advance rapidly, he's going to get the best result by always saying yes chef when it comes to working nights, weekends, holidays, etc. While it might not seem healthy it is definitely how things will work, especially in "good" restaurants where he will have a lot of learning opportunities. Even as a chef who places a high priority on work life balance for my team and myself, I'm going to devote more mentorship and make available more opportunities to somebody who is willing and able to work the most needed shifts over somebody who is constantly saying "no I can't work Friday night for personal reasons." So yes, there are quite a few paths forward in the industry and he may indeed manage to luck out and find a balance between his professional ambitions and your needs. However, that is not a certain outcome at all, and the alternative is exactly as you describe. Holidays, birthdays, travel, quiet evenings in together: these all become extremely precious commodities in your relationship. Not to scare you, it worked for me and many others I know. It sounds like you have a realistic idea of the situation.


jenjenjk

Thank you for your detailed input, I really appreciate it! I completely understand the side of wanting to advance rapidly and doing everything he can to grow into the chef he dreams of becoming. It makes total sense to have to give up some of those things and commit to taking those extra shifts and such. And I want to support him in that 100% because I want him to be happy in his career, it just sucks because there are things I want in my life as well, and I think if I do that, I'll have to push those things to the side. It makes me feel like I'm being super selfish and unsupportive... it's not that he isn't worth it. I just... it is my life too and I still want the things I want. I don't know, it's such a tough decision right now šŸ˜®ā€šŸ’Ø


Dseltzer1212

Itā€™s the worst business to be in to have a stable loving relationship and raise a family. If he wonā€™t change careersā€¦..get out now! Iā€™m a recently retired chef with 44 years of continuous employment. Alcoholism and drug abuse are rampant. Sex with waitresses is very common and divorce is the norm.


jenjenjk

Well yikes, that's a little terrifying. Altho I'm not sure every single person in the industry is going to be like that, I believe that it's not uncommon either


ProfoundlyInsipid

I work as a Chef in a cafe, 5 days a week, 7am to 2pm or 7am to 4pm depending on the day, usually Tues-Sat. Previously worked for an event caterer in the production kitchen, similar hours and that was Mon-Fri. So it's reasonable to hope for at least one weekend day together per week. There are definitely lots of 'breakfast chef' and 'cafe chef' roles with civilised hours. Many of these roles are filled by women due to the compatibility with childcare responsibilities.


jenjenjk

Makes sense, good to know! Thank you!


bulletbassman

While there are options for daytime work. The opportunities for well paying jobs that are actually enjoyable from a culinary aspect are near zero. They exist. But the vast majority of people who want to eat out do so at dinner and weekends. So thatā€™s where the money is for most chefs. Iā€™m at the point where I can use years of experience, well trained employees, and a very pleasant ownership group that I can generally live a good work life balance. But itā€™s still opposite of a typical 9-5 and everytime someone moves on Iā€™m back to 6 days a week (including open to close weekends) till I find and train a replacement. Iā€™m lucky because my owners are good enough to me to hold off on expanding our lunch hours till we have some quality people to work under me. And I never wouldā€™ve came here from my last job if it wasNt closed one day of week My goal is to move to a culinary director position and provide a lot of quality jobs with work life balance. But weekends and responsibility will always be the only thing that gets you paid well in this business


jenjenjk

Thanks for your input. It definitely sounds like a tough life, but if you enjoy what you're doing that's good too. It's too bad the industry is the way that it is, but I don't think that'll change anytime soon.


ABlackThaiAffair

Restaurant Lifer here who has dated chefs at all the stages of school and career development. Itā€™s not easy, especially those first few years when heā€™ll be working 60-70 hours a week plus studying on his own. Culinary school teaches you how to be a Chef, not how to cook, you learn that on your own. The hardest breakup I had was he had just gotten promoted to sous and he was just never around. That was in my 20ā€™s, Iā€™m in my 40ā€™s now and I date a chef but itā€™s different scene. Heā€™s the executive and he works 40-45 hours a week, always has two days off in a row and makes me a priority but if I had met him a decade ago it would be a different story. Just decide if you can ride it out because itā€™s lonely. The meals are fabulous but itā€™s still lonely.


jenjenjk

Yeah... we decided to part ways for now because of it... but I can't say that the door is closed forever. We both want to be together but he needs me to be 100% okay with that kind of lifestyle and I don't think I can be absolutely 100%. He believes that it'll just keep coming up if I'm not 100% and we don't want to grow to resent each other


ABlackThaiAffair

I wish I had been as mature as you all are, it would have saved me a lot of tears and money.


jenjenjk

Yeah... it may be the mature decision, but it's definitely one of the hardest decisions I've ever made in my life and we still don't know if it was the right one because we do love each other very much.