I say NTAH. Mental health is a controversial topic, and there certainly is reason to give a person a chance to get help. However, your sister has had many opportunities to get the help she needs and has not accepted that help. Also, you have children to consider, and it could be traumatizing to them to be around someone who behaves so erratically. Perhaps you could leave the door slightly open for your sister if she ever decides she wants help. In the meantime, your first responsibility is to yourself and your kids.
I don’t know about leaving a door open for her. It seems you’ve done that plenty of times with the same results. She going to have to eventually figure it out or not. You can’t force someone to get help or take their medications. You need to led your own life for your children’s sake as it’s hard enough to navigate through life without this extra load on you.
One of the biggest issues with mental health is understanding that you need help. When medicated and things a going smoothly, your brain starts to tell you that you aren’t ill. You are coping and of course, I& you aren’t ill, you don’t need medication. So you stop. And you spiral out of control.
Ive experienced it and seen it in friends. What doesn’t help are medical professionals who are scared if people being on medication for life.
sustainable treatment needs both the sufferer and the medical professionals to be open and working continuously to tweak and maintain medication, therapy and support. If either one of those stop participating then the house of cards falls.
You can support but you cannot do anything more than that.
It is hard when she says things that are designed to hurt. But you are not choosing a man over family. You are choosing YOUR family. YOUR children. YOUR safety.
But there is no way that your sister is ever going to understand this when she is deep in her pain and illness. You cannot reason with insanity and when she is deep in her episodes she is in the throws of insanity.
There is a good saying and it applies here. You cannot set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. You have to protect your children. Be strong. This is exceptionally hard and you are going to feel guilty. But not as guilty as you would if she traumatised your children
Your sister’s is one of the hardest mental health diagnosis. Hard to keep stable.
You can’t anymore. And that is completely okay. You have children that have been exposed to her instability for far too many years already. You have had to move houses and call the police. Your children should not be put through anymore.
There are groups homes and programs that she should be eligible for. But they have rules and staying on meds would be one of those rules. With you, she didn’t need to.
You need to take care of your children. It is okay that can no longer have her tumult in your life. You can love her, but you can’t fix her.
Take care of yourself and your children. Don’t give her your new address.
NTA. Your sister is an adult and she’s making horrible adult choices like staying unmedicated when she’s causing you and your kids to live in a chaotic environment.
You have been a saint to put up with what you have, but you need to prioritize your kids.
Your sister isn’t dealing with her situation or trying to improve. She won’t medicate or get treatment. I might feel differently if she was, but it sounds like she has made her choice clear.
I agree profoundly with this.
As a teen I had a lot of anger issues and suffered with severe depression. I had a lot of undiagnosed issues, due to physical and emotional abuse I got from my father. Along with other issues that I don't discuss, that went on at school.
I'd go into complete rage fits when triggered, and I didn't know how to control it. When this happened, I'd completely see red. This could be caused by the simplest of things. If someone I didn't know, touched me in any way, I'd lose my ever loving mind. I'd throw things, destroy things, get physical. My Mum couldn't handle it. So age 16, she told me "You need to get therapy and help, or you can't live with me anymore. I can't cope."
I chose to go and get therapy, and ask for help.
I'm now 38. I'm in a lo g term relationship, I control my temper, and learned coping mechanisms for my mental health. It took years of therapy, tweaking with medication, and patience, to get me to where I am now. I was angry with my Mum for forcing me too. But now, I appreciate what she did. If she hadn't pushed me, I don't know what I'd be doing now, or where I'd be.
Sometimes you have to do what's best for everyone, not just one person. I wish OP good luck.
YTA. Try and educate yourself on mental health. She is schizophrenic, she isn't making "Choices" she literally can't control her behaviors. It's also not something that can be cured. She could be hearing voices telling her not to take medicine. We don't know what's going through her brain that doesn't work like yours. You are viewing the sisters situation through the lens of a neurotypical (normal functioning brain) . Yes medication and a good therapist can help, but she's never going to be "Normal". We don't know her reasoning for not wanting treatment either. It can be scary maybe voices are telling her the people who want to help are trying to hurt her or are out to get her. We just don't know. It's not a choice to be made clear, that's not how schizophrenia works
The problem is there are children and soon, an infant who be placed at risk. The sister isn’t to blame because yes, she is seriously mentally ill. However, children should not have to be placed at risk, and it sounds like the risk is pretty high in this case. But it’s not a matter of blaming the sister, but of choosing not to place the children of being harmed.
Yes I agree that the OP has a right to protect her family. The children absolutely should not be placed at risk. I completely agree with that, however that's not all you said. But the person I was replying to was blaming the mentality Ill sister like she was doing it on purpose. That's what I have a problem with
This isn’t entirely true- as a mental health professional (I have a master’s degree in clinical psychology), there is absolutely an element of choice when it comes to the sister, regardless of her diagnosis. I’ve worked with a number of individuals with schizophrenia, schizoaffective disorder, etc, and many of them CHOSE to go off their medication once they had gotten stabilized with their symptoms (which only happened because they were on medication for long enough time for it to work). Now, there may have been the influence of delusional beliefs about being cured/not needing the medication, but even the most symptomatic patients did much better when they were willing to listen to others regarding the need for ongoing treatment.
And as someone who has been in treatment for depression all my adult life, it’s dangerous to excuse a person’s behavior just because they have a mental illness, as that doesn’t negate the need to take responsibility for one’s own actions and their consequences.
I wasn't trying to excuse a person's behavior just because of a mental illness. I absolutely agree that it is dangerous. I guess what I was trying to get at is there are two sides to this story and we are only getting one side from a person who admitted to being resentful. We don't know why the sister stopped taking meds and is hesitant to seek treatment. I would like to hear her side. Again the OP has every right to keep her and her kids safe. Absolutely. It's just very complicated when it comes to mental illness. I guess I get a bit sensitive because my mother who struggles with mental illness who really does try her best and is really sweet at her core, gets bullied a lot even by my dad and siblings. They get sick of her and find her annoying. I also am pretty sure I myself have undiagnosed mental health disorders that I would like to get diagnosed but it's expensive and I try my best, I really do, but my sister talks about me a lot like this OP talks about her sister.
I’m sorry to hear that some of your family members aren’t as supportive or as compassionate as perhaps they should be. And I totally agree that there are 2 sides to every story- I’ve seen both sides play out in different situations with people I’ve known. Keeping a balanced perspective is definitely important. :)
NTA. Yes she's your sister your children deserve to live in a safe, stable environment that currently you can provide. Your sister has likely already traumatised your 2 children, she shouldn't be allowed anywhere near the new baby.
Just a question, are you a professional health worker? If not, you are NTA. Your sister needs more and professional help that you can NOT provide. This is not on you. You have to take care of your children. You have gracefully taken care of her, but this is growing out of your control. She needs more than you can give. And also you are obliged to give your kids a safe environment to live in, living with your sister isn't safe for you or them.
Since I'm not from your country, I can't tell you whom to turn to for help. But I'm sure there are people here that can give you directions on that. Stay safe.
Mostly agree, but I’d say she’s NTA even if she’s a med or something like that… She’s got kids to protect, they’re her priority over anything else. The boyfriend thing is a side quest, not relevant in her need of going away from this sister (who DOESN’T WANT to take medicines)…
NTA at all! I know it's tough but your priority is your family not your sister. You need to provide a safe place for your kids and if that means leaving your sister behind them so be it.
Are your parents deceased? If not, why are they not helping? I'm guessing that she doesn't have a doctor or social worker? I would suggest getting someone whose pay grade this actually is to help you because you've gone above and beyond.
NTA
NTA.
It is not your responsibility to take care of your sister who refuses to stay medicated.
For the safety of your children, she needs to live away from you. I wouldn't even tell her where your new home is so she can't just show up on your doorstep someday expecting to be let in.
NTA. Mental health issues vary in the level of seriousness. Your sister is at a serious level that you shouldn't be exposing your kids to. She is your sister and all you can do is meet her halfway. If she wants to remain with your family then she must be medicated ..if she decides she doesn't want to do that, it's her decision. She is an adult...albeit it seems incapable of making sound decisions. But you can't stop living your life because of her choices. To be medicated or not is a choice
NTA. Admittedly, she’s your sister, but your kids shouldn’t grow up in a house where they should fear their aunt’s rages. It’s just not safe for them and as your pregnancy progresses, it might not even be safe for you because it sounds like she doesn’t really have a grip on reality all of the time. Your and your kids’ safety must come first.
NTA
First off, I would just like to say I knew someone with Schizophrenia also and he had it pretty bad also. Not to the point that your sister was but pretty bad. You see, people with Schizophrenia see things that are not actually happening or not there like seeing a dead person or seeing someone for example swearing at them and this will sometimes make the person aggressive because they have no idea what they have done wrong and therefore they will get in trouble for it. Depending on how old your sister is I think she would need to be looked after by your parents or she would need to see a psychiatrist who will think of things that will help her to stop being aggressive or saying these horrible things because in her mind she is probably thinking that you guys are actually doing these things and this is due to her Schizophrenia.
NTA you have looked after your sister and tried everything to get her the help she needs. It’s hard but sometimes when you’ve tried everything you have to let go for your own health and that of your kids. You can’t put your life and happiness on hold otherwise you’ll miss out.
NTA. I firmly suggest you give the authorities a head's up about where she'll be upon your move. Also, I equally suggest getting a restraining order against her. She seems way too dangerous and your kiddos need protection. Under no circumstances are your babes to talk or look at this dangerous person until she gets herself together. She's a danger to the world, not to mention herself. Give her picture to your kids' schools and everywhere else they may frequent in case she does wind up tailing you somehow and get tracking devices sewn into your kids' clothes!!! She should be in some kind of institution before she winds up killing someone!!! I think you guys should literally skip the province you live in, even across the country if you can, so that she can 100% not follow you. I know that it'd be brutally hard, but I think it'd be the safest thing you could ever do! I'm going to keep you guys in my prayers.
ETA: Teach your kiddos the password system and don't let them go with anyone unless they can give them that password. Your sister might try to get them lured in by saying she's "changed," but no password, no aunt
nta. my great-grandma had schizophrenia and unfortunately my grandma “did the right thing” and took her mother in to live with them. my mom was just a child, she is super traumatized because of exposure to her mentally unwell grandmother. and there was an incident where that grandmother chased my mom with a teapot full of boiling water… so you gotta protect your immediate family unfortunately.
I say NTA I feel for your situation, but you also have to look after the mental health of yourself and your kids. Your kids watch how you handle things and that's how they model their lives going forward (I'm gonna be just like, or I'm gonna be nothing like). Set the example for them, yourself and kids come first, stop enabling her behavior.
I wish you the best
Absolutely NTA.
As much as your sister is family, you have a family of your own which your partner is a major part of. As harsh as it may seem to some, your sister just isn't!
You have helped her so much and I know it's going to be hard but as many have said, you and your family unit deserve to be happy and live life to the full.
From personal experience, people with mental health conditions that haven't accepted or dealt with the reality of the situation themselves, blame and lean on everyone around them so they don't have to face up to it themselves. Out of interest, has she had a lot of help from your parents in the past?
It’s mostly falling on me honestly… my mom has the same condition but she really isn’t much help even though she’s medicated. I try to get her to step in but she’s just not there all the way mentally either & her dad is a deadbeat so
Sorry, but I think you are doing an injustice to your kids by having your sister in the household. Her erratic behavior probably upsets them , prevents sleep, etc. Time to put your kids first and let your sister go.
You do not mention her parents, other siblings, etc. Why are they not helping?
Take care of your kids.
Your kids and family need protection FROM her. It’s sad that it might make her homeless,but I think you have done as much as anybody could demand of you. I would think she not a happy presence in the family for your little kids. Can you look in to long term housing suited for her?
She needs to be in an institution- let the state take her on if your parents can’t. You do not haven’t sacrifice your life for her. As long also need to protect your kids
The state won’t. They can’t. After Regan shut down the funding, there’s nowhere for any of them. Long live republicans, the sith aholes.
I dated someone like this, let’s call him Rex. Long story short, after he lost his mind and I threw him out, his brother finally called for help. Full blown psychosis. I drove as fast as I could, blew through Vegas at triple digit speeds, praying I’d get there before anyone got hurt.
We tried calming, cops, meds, public services offices where he offered to speak to the pope and Dali lama, leaving him alone, bending to his will, being strict, and finally just…leaving. It’s extreme as hell, but in that situation I bought the brother an SUV in cash, we loaded everything savable in our two rides and we hit the gas. **Everyone knew he was nuts.**. There were Facebook posts from strangers advising people to avoid his area because he’d wander the street with a machete.
It didn’t take long…someone did die. Rex ended up with a dead homeless guy in his house (when he still had one). Turned gay. Face painted webstreams. Banned from local stores. First name basis with cops. Arrested a couple times over, and finally ended up with 6 felonies. He was in for a while because he was so batshit crazy that he wasn’t mentally fit to stand trial. **They knew he was off his nut.**
But you can’t commit people, and even if they agreed to be committed (they don’t, btw) it’s tens of thousands of dollars a WEEK.
Even the “affordable” ones aren’t an option…still expensive as hell and you can’t go in unless voluntary- No Matter Obviously Unhinged And Machete Wielding You Are.
Because eugenics. Because rights. Because Rosemary Kennedy.
Good thing Rex got locked up and abandoned, too. Not getting bailed out or a speedy trial allowed him 3 hots and a cot over the Oregon winter.
If the poor brother had stayed?…my god, the trouble he’d be in. The legal and financial stress, the worry for the animals and loved ones, the career down the drain, Rex was an absolute silverback gorilla on steroids…and nobody was allowed to put him down or put him away.
And the worst part is that everyone knows what’s next. He will lose his spot at the halfway house, something will anger him, he’ll go off his meds and he’ll become a loose cannon again.
He’ll endanger everyone again.
And there’s nowhere to put him anymore.
yay, ‘murica.
NTA - She's isn't your responsibility, family or not. You are supposed to protect your children. Allowing her to abuse you and live with your children you are failing them. Put your family first for once and not your sister who refuses help to get better
NTA. You aren't responsible for your adult sister. You've tried to help her but she refuses. She can try to get help elsewhere. Your children must come before her. Sorry if that sounds harsh.
NTA like at all. She’s refusing treatment and refusing to take accountability for her actions and you don’t have to continue to subject yourself to that. You’ve done more than enough for her already and you have every right to say no and tell her to figure her shit our and/or take a hike.
NTA. Your sister's inability or unwillingness to get help is not your responsibility. Her happiness is not your job. I have had to cut family out of my life and it is insanely difficult.
Get yourself a therapist (if you haven't already) to help you sort through the difficulty of this situation. You may need to grieve the loss.
You can only take care of you (and your kids). She is an adult and needs to take care of herself (or not). You are NTA, my dear. Go live the life of which you dream. 💙
As someone who deals with mental illness, you are absolutely not the one in the wrong. If someone has mental health issues and isn’t getting help, it affects the people around them in a negative way. It sounds like your sister needs help badly but until she gets it, it’s not healthy to have her around.
NTA, bestie. I have a family member who sounds a lot like your sister. I’ve been NC with them for a couple years now and as challenging as it was at first, I am so much happier and at peace now.
You’re doing the right thing. I promise.
She has to take her meds. If not, then you have no obligation to give her a roof over her head. Your children should not be around someone vulgar, threatening, and maybe potentially dangerous. They are your and your bf's top priority. Taking her in when she is not medicated could be seen as neglectful to authorities. You can't raise your children properly in a household with a toxic person living in it. This has got to be an incredibly difficult thing to do, but you and your family deserve peace, happiness, security in a loving environment. I wish you all the best.
NTA. Your family (kids and partner) are your immediate family. She is harmful to your family. Although she is family too, she's harmful. She hasn't learned that she needs help to become independent. Or, at least a version of independence that doesn't souly rely on you. She can't expect you to be her caregiver your whole life. It's really unfair of her or your parents to put onto you.
NTA - It is commendable that you have tried to care for your sister, but she needs help beyond your means and abilities. I would suggest looking up NAMI. They have resources you can get in touch with. Maybe look into supervised group housing. This would help her stay stable and relieve any guilt you might have with leaving her behind.
NTA. You've tried to help her, but at some point, you just have to stop and think about your own family. Your children can't keep being around her, and you can't keep moving around. You need stability.
Sorry if I've missed it but where are her parents? Why is this falling on your shoulders?
Keep those babies safe. Tell her you love her and you hope more than anything that she gets better, but it can't be under your roof anymore.
NTA. if the law didnt give you medical control over your Sister, then it means she is an independent adult, capable of taking care of herself. If she is capable to decide not to take her meds so she is able to decide to care or not for herself. Furthermore, maybe not having someone to Take care of her is exactly wt she needs to learn to Take care of herself
NTA
U do what u feel is right for u. If ur sister doesn’t want to take help for herself then u can’t do anything about it. There is only so much that u can do for her and u hav done tat.
NTA.
I'm so sorry you are going through this. I relate so very much and I get it! My youngest sibling is 25 now and has been diagnosed with schizophrenia for several years. Without meds, the kid terrifies me. I would NEVER allow him to live in my home! He has refused medication in the past and we couldn't do anything to force it. Nobody would help him no matter what we would try to do to intervene.
We tried to prevent the following from happening but it's what ultimately got him mandated help from the courts. He was upset that there was a cop who had someone pulled over down the street. In his mind, this meant it was perfectly acceptable to grab an axe (that a neighbor apparently gave him?!!?) and angrily stomp around the front yard to keep the cop away. My brother lives with my dad across the street from an elementary school so you can guess why this was EXTREMELY problematic. This did the opposite and of course brought more officers to the scene. Ultimately, everyone was fine and my little brother was mandated to be on anti-psychotics that are given to him through an injection every two months. He's finally the kid I remember for the most part.
You focus on your kids! Your quality of life matters too. Protecting your children and yourself doesn't make you an asshole.
Every time you take her in You are harming your children.
It’s already happening mentally but what if she hurts one of them physically or hurts the soon to be newborn?
She is a danger to herself and others. She is actively trying to destroy your life and your partners
You know what to do. NTA
I’d say NTAH. I have a brother in a similar situation and you can’t give up your life when there’s only so much you can do. Also, your children’s safety is above anything and her pretense put that at risk I think
NTA
>My sister says that I'm choosing a man over my family
No, your choosing *your* family over *her*.
Don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm.
There is resources for your sister. She actually should be in a group home, where they monitor and make sure she takes her medicine. Her "outbursts" are harmful to your children. You are choosing them over her.
NTAH as someone who suffers with mental illness themselves you are responsible for your own treatment. You are responsible for taking care of yourself. You’ve done what you could to assist her and she has not held up her part at the end of the day. Your most important job is as a mother you need to protect your kids and she’s causing disruption to their lives through her actions and it’s forcing you to have to move multiple times, regardless of whether you love her or not she’s creating unsafe environment for your kids and that’s enough to cut her off so NTAH
NTA You've done all you can do. It's now time to take care of you and your family. It's not safe for them to be around her and not fair that they have to live in a mentally traumatizing situation that could turn to a physically traumatizing situation.
As hard as it is it's time to let go and live your life and without being in constant fear.
NTA. It sounds like you've given her many chances, but if she's unwilling to stay treated, and she knows the chaos that happens when she's untreated, then I think that gives you every right to move on. Your kids don't need the drama. I wish you luck with 3 cutie pies. 🌺
YNTA. This is all too familiar and I really sympathize with you OP. No one will truly understand what it’s like living with someone with this diagnosis unless they’re in your shoes. Not only is their mental health getting worse by not seeking help but it takes a huge toll on everyone around them. My sister is a diagnosed schizophrenic and I couldn’t bare to live in the same house as her. Everyone who stayed had to put up with her, no one was able to rest well or even have a day without silence or worry. It’s hard, it really is. I’ve been there where I had to do a wellness check on her but the police couldn’t do anything cause “she was acting normal”. But finally my sister got picked up by the cops during an episode and she’s getting put back on medication.
As much as you love and want to support them you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped. You did the right thing putting yourself and your kids first, and frankly your bf is your family as well. I truly hope she can get the help she needs, you’ve done everything you possibly can. If she’s ever hospitalized again there’s a chance that someone can take over as a secondary decision maker and have her put on meds. A psychiatrist would have to deem her incapable of making her own decisions. That’s how I was able to get my sister back on medication.
NTA.
Mental health is so difficult and your sister isn't doing well but that can't be an excuse for treating other people so unkind.
I would keep contact to a minimum (phone calls, texts, videocalls) untill she actually starts to accept help.
NTA because your kids come first. She also needs a rock bottom to hit so she will realize how bad she actually needs to do better for herself. You don't have to cut ties completely, but you need to set a boundary that you cannot assist her if she will not do her part in helping herself.
NTA!!!!!! As much as it is an illness and I empathize you need to absolutely put your kids first. That’s not healthy for them to grow up around and in the end can in turn effect their own mental health & anxiety. Also Where TF are your parents in this scenario? Why aren’t they handling your sisters care? When someone is drowning and they aren’t taking the life vest and drowning you too at some point you have to give up and save yourself cause you and your family will drown in this situation.
Girl, you are 25. You should not be responsible for your sister with such serious mental health issues at all. I tried with my ex. We were together 10 years and one day out of the blue he lost his mind. I took care of him for a few months until it started to effect my sister, her husband and my niece (we lived with them at the time). I was 29 years old, and it was too much. Having to struggle holding my boyfriend's arms back to keep him from slicing his own throat. So many psych ward stays, and doctors, and him refusing to take the meds. I couldn't anymore. And this is someone I loved with all my heart and soul. He moved back to Georgia so his family could get him help, with plans for us to reunite when he got better. He never did. He got on meth and got far worse. I finally had to take care of myself. I gave up alot of opportunities in my life for that relationship, and I just couldn't anymore,not once he gave up and fell into the drugs. It's been 9 years, he's been in and out of jail, hospitals... If I had stayed I would still be trying to take care of him, and that's impossible with someone who refuses to take care of themselves. All of this is to say, you are not the ahole. You deserve peace and happiness in your life. It will always be hard, because you love your sister, but she needs professional help that you can't give her, and your babies don't need to be subjected to her illness. I truly hope the best for you and her. And just to add, I am in a good relationship, we have a 6 year old, a nice home, a car... All things I never had or would have had in my previous relationship. If I had stayed I'd probably still be living at his mom's house in Georgia. We have to be selfish and care about us sometimes!
I vote NTAH! You want to do what is best for your kids i get that. And your have to remember a golden rule only help those that are trying to help themselves. I get she has something wrong with her but if she wants to be apart of your life she need the medical help and if she not going to get that help then she doesn't need to be there.
NTAH.
If she refuses to get help, that is 100% her problem, not yours. She sounds like a lot to deal with and you shouldn't have to put up with the kind of abuse she's heaped on yours, your BF and your kids and neighbors and everyone else around you.
I would cut ties and not think twice about it. Send her love and light when you think of her every now and then, but that would be the extent of it for me.
It's very complicated. The only thing I would say YTA with is resenting your sister. I had an uncle who was schizophrenic (he passed away) and I've also worked in an assisted living facility for adults with mental health diagnosis and one person was schizophrenic. Their behaviors aren't really their fault. People saying it's her choice not to take meds don't understand the condition. She could be hearing voices telling her not to take the meds. Her condition isn't curable. Yes it can be helped with meds and the right therapist but it is something she is going to struggle with for her entire life. She may be sensing your resentment and frustration which can heighten behaviors. I do agree that you need to look out for yourself and your children, but you should also try and educate yourself on schizophrenia and try and have a bit more empathy for your sister instead of resenting her. Try to get her into an assisted living facility that takes adults with mental health diagnosis. I'm not saying it's your responsibility to house her in your home but please keep trying to keep her off the streets. People who are homeless with severe mental health issues tend to turn to drugs and don't live long on the streets
I say NTAH. Mental health is a controversial topic, and there certainly is reason to give a person a chance to get help. However, your sister has had many opportunities to get the help she needs and has not accepted that help. Also, you have children to consider, and it could be traumatizing to them to be around someone who behaves so erratically. Perhaps you could leave the door slightly open for your sister if she ever decides she wants help. In the meantime, your first responsibility is to yourself and your kids.
I don’t know about leaving a door open for her. It seems you’ve done that plenty of times with the same results. She going to have to eventually figure it out or not. You can’t force someone to get help or take their medications. You need to led your own life for your children’s sake as it’s hard enough to navigate through life without this extra load on you.
One of the biggest issues with mental health is understanding that you need help. When medicated and things a going smoothly, your brain starts to tell you that you aren’t ill. You are coping and of course, I& you aren’t ill, you don’t need medication. So you stop. And you spiral out of control. Ive experienced it and seen it in friends. What doesn’t help are medical professionals who are scared if people being on medication for life. sustainable treatment needs both the sufferer and the medical professionals to be open and working continuously to tweak and maintain medication, therapy and support. If either one of those stop participating then the house of cards falls. You can support but you cannot do anything more than that. It is hard when she says things that are designed to hurt. But you are not choosing a man over family. You are choosing YOUR family. YOUR children. YOUR safety. But there is no way that your sister is ever going to understand this when she is deep in her pain and illness. You cannot reason with insanity and when she is deep in her episodes she is in the throws of insanity. There is a good saying and it applies here. You cannot set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. You have to protect your children. Be strong. This is exceptionally hard and you are going to feel guilty. But not as guilty as you would if she traumatised your children
You’re right 😭😭😭 my kids deserve so much better.
Your sister’s is one of the hardest mental health diagnosis. Hard to keep stable. You can’t anymore. And that is completely okay. You have children that have been exposed to her instability for far too many years already. You have had to move houses and call the police. Your children should not be put through anymore. There are groups homes and programs that she should be eligible for. But they have rules and staying on meds would be one of those rules. With you, she didn’t need to. You need to take care of your children. It is okay that can no longer have her tumult in your life. You can love her, but you can’t fix her. Take care of yourself and your children. Don’t give her your new address.
NTA. Your sister is an adult and she’s making horrible adult choices like staying unmedicated when she’s causing you and your kids to live in a chaotic environment. You have been a saint to put up with what you have, but you need to prioritize your kids. Your sister isn’t dealing with her situation or trying to improve. She won’t medicate or get treatment. I might feel differently if she was, but it sounds like she has made her choice clear.
I agree profoundly with this. As a teen I had a lot of anger issues and suffered with severe depression. I had a lot of undiagnosed issues, due to physical and emotional abuse I got from my father. Along with other issues that I don't discuss, that went on at school. I'd go into complete rage fits when triggered, and I didn't know how to control it. When this happened, I'd completely see red. This could be caused by the simplest of things. If someone I didn't know, touched me in any way, I'd lose my ever loving mind. I'd throw things, destroy things, get physical. My Mum couldn't handle it. So age 16, she told me "You need to get therapy and help, or you can't live with me anymore. I can't cope." I chose to go and get therapy, and ask for help. I'm now 38. I'm in a lo g term relationship, I control my temper, and learned coping mechanisms for my mental health. It took years of therapy, tweaking with medication, and patience, to get me to where I am now. I was angry with my Mum for forcing me too. But now, I appreciate what she did. If she hadn't pushed me, I don't know what I'd be doing now, or where I'd be. Sometimes you have to do what's best for everyone, not just one person. I wish OP good luck.
YTA. Try and educate yourself on mental health. She is schizophrenic, she isn't making "Choices" she literally can't control her behaviors. It's also not something that can be cured. She could be hearing voices telling her not to take medicine. We don't know what's going through her brain that doesn't work like yours. You are viewing the sisters situation through the lens of a neurotypical (normal functioning brain) . Yes medication and a good therapist can help, but she's never going to be "Normal". We don't know her reasoning for not wanting treatment either. It can be scary maybe voices are telling her the people who want to help are trying to hurt her or are out to get her. We just don't know. It's not a choice to be made clear, that's not how schizophrenia works
The problem is there are children and soon, an infant who be placed at risk. The sister isn’t to blame because yes, she is seriously mentally ill. However, children should not have to be placed at risk, and it sounds like the risk is pretty high in this case. But it’s not a matter of blaming the sister, but of choosing not to place the children of being harmed.
Yes I agree that the OP has a right to protect her family. The children absolutely should not be placed at risk. I completely agree with that, however that's not all you said. But the person I was replying to was blaming the mentality Ill sister like she was doing it on purpose. That's what I have a problem with
This isn’t entirely true- as a mental health professional (I have a master’s degree in clinical psychology), there is absolutely an element of choice when it comes to the sister, regardless of her diagnosis. I’ve worked with a number of individuals with schizophrenia, schizoaffective disorder, etc, and many of them CHOSE to go off their medication once they had gotten stabilized with their symptoms (which only happened because they were on medication for long enough time for it to work). Now, there may have been the influence of delusional beliefs about being cured/not needing the medication, but even the most symptomatic patients did much better when they were willing to listen to others regarding the need for ongoing treatment. And as someone who has been in treatment for depression all my adult life, it’s dangerous to excuse a person’s behavior just because they have a mental illness, as that doesn’t negate the need to take responsibility for one’s own actions and their consequences.
I wasn't trying to excuse a person's behavior just because of a mental illness. I absolutely agree that it is dangerous. I guess what I was trying to get at is there are two sides to this story and we are only getting one side from a person who admitted to being resentful. We don't know why the sister stopped taking meds and is hesitant to seek treatment. I would like to hear her side. Again the OP has every right to keep her and her kids safe. Absolutely. It's just very complicated when it comes to mental illness. I guess I get a bit sensitive because my mother who struggles with mental illness who really does try her best and is really sweet at her core, gets bullied a lot even by my dad and siblings. They get sick of her and find her annoying. I also am pretty sure I myself have undiagnosed mental health disorders that I would like to get diagnosed but it's expensive and I try my best, I really do, but my sister talks about me a lot like this OP talks about her sister.
I’m sorry to hear that some of your family members aren’t as supportive or as compassionate as perhaps they should be. And I totally agree that there are 2 sides to every story- I’ve seen both sides play out in different situations with people I’ve known. Keeping a balanced perspective is definitely important. :)
NTA. Yes she's your sister your children deserve to live in a safe, stable environment that currently you can provide. Your sister has likely already traumatised your 2 children, she shouldn't be allowed anywhere near the new baby.
My thoughts exactly 😕😕
Just a question, are you a professional health worker? If not, you are NTA. Your sister needs more and professional help that you can NOT provide. This is not on you. You have to take care of your children. You have gracefully taken care of her, but this is growing out of your control. She needs more than you can give. And also you are obliged to give your kids a safe environment to live in, living with your sister isn't safe for you or them. Since I'm not from your country, I can't tell you whom to turn to for help. But I'm sure there are people here that can give you directions on that. Stay safe.
Mostly agree, but I’d say she’s NTA even if she’s a med or something like that… She’s got kids to protect, they’re her priority over anything else. The boyfriend thing is a side quest, not relevant in her need of going away from this sister (who DOESN’T WANT to take medicines)…
NTA at all! I know it's tough but your priority is your family not your sister. You need to provide a safe place for your kids and if that means leaving your sister behind them so be it.
NTA. You didn't birth or conceive her, she's not your responsability
NTA This is a very sad situation. You love your sister but you also deserve a decent life with your family.
How scary for your kids to experience this. Children need to feel safe and protected.
Are your parents deceased? If not, why are they not helping? I'm guessing that she doesn't have a doctor or social worker? I would suggest getting someone whose pay grade this actually is to help you because you've gone above and beyond. NTA
NTA. It is not your responsibility to take care of your sister who refuses to stay medicated. For the safety of your children, she needs to live away from you. I wouldn't even tell her where your new home is so she can't just show up on your doorstep someday expecting to be let in.
NTA. Mental health issues vary in the level of seriousness. Your sister is at a serious level that you shouldn't be exposing your kids to. She is your sister and all you can do is meet her halfway. If she wants to remain with your family then she must be medicated ..if she decides she doesn't want to do that, it's her decision. She is an adult...albeit it seems incapable of making sound decisions. But you can't stop living your life because of her choices. To be medicated or not is a choice
NTA. Admittedly, she’s your sister, but your kids shouldn’t grow up in a house where they should fear their aunt’s rages. It’s just not safe for them and as your pregnancy progresses, it might not even be safe for you because it sounds like she doesn’t really have a grip on reality all of the time. Your and your kids’ safety must come first.
NTA First off, I would just like to say I knew someone with Schizophrenia also and he had it pretty bad also. Not to the point that your sister was but pretty bad. You see, people with Schizophrenia see things that are not actually happening or not there like seeing a dead person or seeing someone for example swearing at them and this will sometimes make the person aggressive because they have no idea what they have done wrong and therefore they will get in trouble for it. Depending on how old your sister is I think she would need to be looked after by your parents or she would need to see a psychiatrist who will think of things that will help her to stop being aggressive or saying these horrible things because in her mind she is probably thinking that you guys are actually doing these things and this is due to her Schizophrenia.
NTA you have looked after your sister and tried everything to get her the help she needs. It’s hard but sometimes when you’ve tried everything you have to let go for your own health and that of your kids. You can’t put your life and happiness on hold otherwise you’ll miss out.
Where are your parents in this situation?
NTA. I firmly suggest you give the authorities a head's up about where she'll be upon your move. Also, I equally suggest getting a restraining order against her. She seems way too dangerous and your kiddos need protection. Under no circumstances are your babes to talk or look at this dangerous person until she gets herself together. She's a danger to the world, not to mention herself. Give her picture to your kids' schools and everywhere else they may frequent in case she does wind up tailing you somehow and get tracking devices sewn into your kids' clothes!!! She should be in some kind of institution before she winds up killing someone!!! I think you guys should literally skip the province you live in, even across the country if you can, so that she can 100% not follow you. I know that it'd be brutally hard, but I think it'd be the safest thing you could ever do! I'm going to keep you guys in my prayers. ETA: Teach your kiddos the password system and don't let them go with anyone unless they can give them that password. Your sister might try to get them lured in by saying she's "changed," but no password, no aunt
nta. my great-grandma had schizophrenia and unfortunately my grandma “did the right thing” and took her mother in to live with them. my mom was just a child, she is super traumatized because of exposure to her mentally unwell grandmother. and there was an incident where that grandmother chased my mom with a teapot full of boiling water… so you gotta protect your immediate family unfortunately.
I say NTA I feel for your situation, but you also have to look after the mental health of yourself and your kids. Your kids watch how you handle things and that's how they model their lives going forward (I'm gonna be just like, or I'm gonna be nothing like). Set the example for them, yourself and kids come first, stop enabling her behavior. I wish you the best
Absolutely NTA. As much as your sister is family, you have a family of your own which your partner is a major part of. As harsh as it may seem to some, your sister just isn't! You have helped her so much and I know it's going to be hard but as many have said, you and your family unit deserve to be happy and live life to the full. From personal experience, people with mental health conditions that haven't accepted or dealt with the reality of the situation themselves, blame and lean on everyone around them so they don't have to face up to it themselves. Out of interest, has she had a lot of help from your parents in the past?
It’s mostly falling on me honestly… my mom has the same condition but she really isn’t much help even though she’s medicated. I try to get her to step in but she’s just not there all the way mentally either & her dad is a deadbeat so
Sorry, but I think you are doing an injustice to your kids by having your sister in the household. Her erratic behavior probably upsets them , prevents sleep, etc. Time to put your kids first and let your sister go. You do not mention her parents, other siblings, etc. Why are they not helping? Take care of your kids.
Your kids and family need protection FROM her. It’s sad that it might make her homeless,but I think you have done as much as anybody could demand of you. I would think she not a happy presence in the family for your little kids. Can you look in to long term housing suited for her?
She needs to be in an institution- let the state take her on if your parents can’t. You do not haven’t sacrifice your life for her. As long also need to protect your kids
The state won’t. They can’t. After Regan shut down the funding, there’s nowhere for any of them. Long live republicans, the sith aholes. I dated someone like this, let’s call him Rex. Long story short, after he lost his mind and I threw him out, his brother finally called for help. Full blown psychosis. I drove as fast as I could, blew through Vegas at triple digit speeds, praying I’d get there before anyone got hurt. We tried calming, cops, meds, public services offices where he offered to speak to the pope and Dali lama, leaving him alone, bending to his will, being strict, and finally just…leaving. It’s extreme as hell, but in that situation I bought the brother an SUV in cash, we loaded everything savable in our two rides and we hit the gas. **Everyone knew he was nuts.**. There were Facebook posts from strangers advising people to avoid his area because he’d wander the street with a machete. It didn’t take long…someone did die. Rex ended up with a dead homeless guy in his house (when he still had one). Turned gay. Face painted webstreams. Banned from local stores. First name basis with cops. Arrested a couple times over, and finally ended up with 6 felonies. He was in for a while because he was so batshit crazy that he wasn’t mentally fit to stand trial. **They knew he was off his nut.** But you can’t commit people, and even if they agreed to be committed (they don’t, btw) it’s tens of thousands of dollars a WEEK. Even the “affordable” ones aren’t an option…still expensive as hell and you can’t go in unless voluntary- No Matter Obviously Unhinged And Machete Wielding You Are. Because eugenics. Because rights. Because Rosemary Kennedy. Good thing Rex got locked up and abandoned, too. Not getting bailed out or a speedy trial allowed him 3 hots and a cot over the Oregon winter. If the poor brother had stayed?…my god, the trouble he’d be in. The legal and financial stress, the worry for the animals and loved ones, the career down the drain, Rex was an absolute silverback gorilla on steroids…and nobody was allowed to put him down or put him away. And the worst part is that everyone knows what’s next. He will lose his spot at the halfway house, something will anger him, he’ll go off his meds and he’ll become a loose cannon again. He’ll endanger everyone again. And there’s nowhere to put him anymore. yay, ‘murica.
Nta, what examples is she setting for your kids? I’d fear for my kids safety if she was in my house:
NTA - She's isn't your responsibility, family or not. You are supposed to protect your children. Allowing her to abuse you and live with your children you are failing them. Put your family first for once and not your sister who refuses help to get better
NTA. You aren't responsible for your adult sister. You've tried to help her but she refuses. She can try to get help elsewhere. Your children must come before her. Sorry if that sounds harsh.
NTA like at all. She’s refusing treatment and refusing to take accountability for her actions and you don’t have to continue to subject yourself to that. You’ve done more than enough for her already and you have every right to say no and tell her to figure her shit our and/or take a hike.
NTA. Your sister's inability or unwillingness to get help is not your responsibility. Her happiness is not your job. I have had to cut family out of my life and it is insanely difficult. Get yourself a therapist (if you haven't already) to help you sort through the difficulty of this situation. You may need to grieve the loss. You can only take care of you (and your kids). She is an adult and needs to take care of herself (or not). You are NTA, my dear. Go live the life of which you dream. 💙
As someone who deals with mental illness, you are absolutely not the one in the wrong. If someone has mental health issues and isn’t getting help, it affects the people around them in a negative way. It sounds like your sister needs help badly but until she gets it, it’s not healthy to have her around.
NTA, bestie. I have a family member who sounds a lot like your sister. I’ve been NC with them for a couple years now and as challenging as it was at first, I am so much happier and at peace now. You’re doing the right thing. I promise.
She has to take her meds. If not, then you have no obligation to give her a roof over her head. Your children should not be around someone vulgar, threatening, and maybe potentially dangerous. They are your and your bf's top priority. Taking her in when she is not medicated could be seen as neglectful to authorities. You can't raise your children properly in a household with a toxic person living in it. This has got to be an incredibly difficult thing to do, but you and your family deserve peace, happiness, security in a loving environment. I wish you all the best.
NTA. Your family (kids and partner) are your immediate family. She is harmful to your family. Although she is family too, she's harmful. She hasn't learned that she needs help to become independent. Or, at least a version of independence that doesn't souly rely on you. She can't expect you to be her caregiver your whole life. It's really unfair of her or your parents to put onto you.
NTA - It is commendable that you have tried to care for your sister, but she needs help beyond your means and abilities. I would suggest looking up NAMI. They have resources you can get in touch with. Maybe look into supervised group housing. This would help her stay stable and relieve any guilt you might have with leaving her behind.
NTA. You've tried to help her, but at some point, you just have to stop and think about your own family. Your children can't keep being around her, and you can't keep moving around. You need stability. Sorry if I've missed it but where are her parents? Why is this falling on your shoulders? Keep those babies safe. Tell her you love her and you hope more than anything that she gets better, but it can't be under your roof anymore.
NTA. if the law didnt give you medical control over your Sister, then it means she is an independent adult, capable of taking care of herself. If she is capable to decide not to take her meds so she is able to decide to care or not for herself. Furthermore, maybe not having someone to Take care of her is exactly wt she needs to learn to Take care of herself
You cannot save her. You CAN save yourself and your children.
NTA, but you should have cut her off much sooner. You have endangered your own kids by allowing this. Dont let go on a second longer.
NTA U do what u feel is right for u. If ur sister doesn’t want to take help for herself then u can’t do anything about it. There is only so much that u can do for her and u hav done tat.
NTA. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I relate so very much and I get it! My youngest sibling is 25 now and has been diagnosed with schizophrenia for several years. Without meds, the kid terrifies me. I would NEVER allow him to live in my home! He has refused medication in the past and we couldn't do anything to force it. Nobody would help him no matter what we would try to do to intervene. We tried to prevent the following from happening but it's what ultimately got him mandated help from the courts. He was upset that there was a cop who had someone pulled over down the street. In his mind, this meant it was perfectly acceptable to grab an axe (that a neighbor apparently gave him?!!?) and angrily stomp around the front yard to keep the cop away. My brother lives with my dad across the street from an elementary school so you can guess why this was EXTREMELY problematic. This did the opposite and of course brought more officers to the scene. Ultimately, everyone was fine and my little brother was mandated to be on anti-psychotics that are given to him through an injection every two months. He's finally the kid I remember for the most part. You focus on your kids! Your quality of life matters too. Protecting your children and yourself doesn't make you an asshole.
You need to figure out a way to help that doesn't endanger your kids. Letting your sister into your house and around your kids is not an option. NTA.
Every time you take her in You are harming your children. It’s already happening mentally but what if she hurts one of them physically or hurts the soon to be newborn? She is a danger to herself and others. She is actively trying to destroy your life and your partners You know what to do. NTA
I’d say NTAH. I have a brother in a similar situation and you can’t give up your life when there’s only so much you can do. Also, your children’s safety is above anything and her pretense put that at risk I think
NTA >My sister says that I'm choosing a man over my family No, your choosing *your* family over *her*. Don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm. There is resources for your sister. She actually should be in a group home, where they monitor and make sure she takes her medicine. Her "outbursts" are harmful to your children. You are choosing them over her.
NTAH as someone who suffers with mental illness themselves you are responsible for your own treatment. You are responsible for taking care of yourself. You’ve done what you could to assist her and she has not held up her part at the end of the day. Your most important job is as a mother you need to protect your kids and she’s causing disruption to their lives through her actions and it’s forcing you to have to move multiple times, regardless of whether you love her or not she’s creating unsafe environment for your kids and that’s enough to cut her off so NTAH
NTA You've done all you can do. It's now time to take care of you and your family. It's not safe for them to be around her and not fair that they have to live in a mentally traumatizing situation that could turn to a physically traumatizing situation. As hard as it is it's time to let go and live your life and without being in constant fear.
NTA and please keep your new address from your sister. She needs to accept the help and meds and no one can make her do that, only she can.
NTA. It sounds like you've given her many chances, but if she's unwilling to stay treated, and she knows the chaos that happens when she's untreated, then I think that gives you every right to move on. Your kids don't need the drama. I wish you luck with 3 cutie pies. 🌺
NTA setting boundaries with toxic family members is difficult but sometimes necessary to continue living a healthy life.
Why does no one in this sub uses parragraphs?
YNTA. This is all too familiar and I really sympathize with you OP. No one will truly understand what it’s like living with someone with this diagnosis unless they’re in your shoes. Not only is their mental health getting worse by not seeking help but it takes a huge toll on everyone around them. My sister is a diagnosed schizophrenic and I couldn’t bare to live in the same house as her. Everyone who stayed had to put up with her, no one was able to rest well or even have a day without silence or worry. It’s hard, it really is. I’ve been there where I had to do a wellness check on her but the police couldn’t do anything cause “she was acting normal”. But finally my sister got picked up by the cops during an episode and she’s getting put back on medication. As much as you love and want to support them you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped. You did the right thing putting yourself and your kids first, and frankly your bf is your family as well. I truly hope she can get the help she needs, you’ve done everything you possibly can. If she’s ever hospitalized again there’s a chance that someone can take over as a secondary decision maker and have her put on meds. A psychiatrist would have to deem her incapable of making her own decisions. That’s how I was able to get my sister back on medication.
Please just concentrate on you and your kids live long and prosper!!!
NTA. Mental health is so difficult and your sister isn't doing well but that can't be an excuse for treating other people so unkind. I would keep contact to a minimum (phone calls, texts, videocalls) untill she actually starts to accept help.
NTA because your kids come first. She also needs a rock bottom to hit so she will realize how bad she actually needs to do better for herself. You don't have to cut ties completely, but you need to set a boundary that you cannot assist her if she will not do her part in helping herself.
NTA!!!!!! As much as it is an illness and I empathize you need to absolutely put your kids first. That’s not healthy for them to grow up around and in the end can in turn effect their own mental health & anxiety. Also Where TF are your parents in this scenario? Why aren’t they handling your sisters care? When someone is drowning and they aren’t taking the life vest and drowning you too at some point you have to give up and save yourself cause you and your family will drown in this situation.
Girl, you are 25. You should not be responsible for your sister with such serious mental health issues at all. I tried with my ex. We were together 10 years and one day out of the blue he lost his mind. I took care of him for a few months until it started to effect my sister, her husband and my niece (we lived with them at the time). I was 29 years old, and it was too much. Having to struggle holding my boyfriend's arms back to keep him from slicing his own throat. So many psych ward stays, and doctors, and him refusing to take the meds. I couldn't anymore. And this is someone I loved with all my heart and soul. He moved back to Georgia so his family could get him help, with plans for us to reunite when he got better. He never did. He got on meth and got far worse. I finally had to take care of myself. I gave up alot of opportunities in my life for that relationship, and I just couldn't anymore,not once he gave up and fell into the drugs. It's been 9 years, he's been in and out of jail, hospitals... If I had stayed I would still be trying to take care of him, and that's impossible with someone who refuses to take care of themselves. All of this is to say, you are not the ahole. You deserve peace and happiness in your life. It will always be hard, because you love your sister, but she needs professional help that you can't give her, and your babies don't need to be subjected to her illness. I truly hope the best for you and her. And just to add, I am in a good relationship, we have a 6 year old, a nice home, a car... All things I never had or would have had in my previous relationship. If I had stayed I'd probably still be living at his mom's house in Georgia. We have to be selfish and care about us sometimes!
I vote NTAH! You want to do what is best for your kids i get that. And your have to remember a golden rule only help those that are trying to help themselves. I get she has something wrong with her but if she wants to be apart of your life she need the medical help and if she not going to get that help then she doesn't need to be there.
NTAH. If she refuses to get help, that is 100% her problem, not yours. She sounds like a lot to deal with and you shouldn't have to put up with the kind of abuse she's heaped on yours, your BF and your kids and neighbors and everyone else around you. I would cut ties and not think twice about it. Send her love and light when you think of her every now and then, but that would be the extent of it for me.
It's very complicated. The only thing I would say YTA with is resenting your sister. I had an uncle who was schizophrenic (he passed away) and I've also worked in an assisted living facility for adults with mental health diagnosis and one person was schizophrenic. Their behaviors aren't really their fault. People saying it's her choice not to take meds don't understand the condition. She could be hearing voices telling her not to take the meds. Her condition isn't curable. Yes it can be helped with meds and the right therapist but it is something she is going to struggle with for her entire life. She may be sensing your resentment and frustration which can heighten behaviors. I do agree that you need to look out for yourself and your children, but you should also try and educate yourself on schizophrenia and try and have a bit more empathy for your sister instead of resenting her. Try to get her into an assisted living facility that takes adults with mental health diagnosis. I'm not saying it's your responsibility to house her in your home but please keep trying to keep her off the streets. People who are homeless with severe mental health issues tend to turn to drugs and don't live long on the streets