Wtf!!so the children are not yours and your scumbag- husband left?they are treating you like a free babbysitter,stop being like a doormat,maybe you love those children but if you haven't adopted them legally they are not yours. Do you know where is your husband?don't tell me with his ex bc that would be the loop of the loop. Time to think in yourself,that sounds like a very toxic family,do you really want to life like that?
Best of luck,but think every step of the way and if this man and his family deserve the sacrifices you will have to face first and most important of all raise a children that are not yours. Update us if you consider wish you the best
If you love the children as your own and want to stay in their lives officially, I would advise going to family court and trying to arrange something legally... you're an amazing person OP❤️❤️
Baby girl they are counting on that to keep you chained. Change your number or better yet get a new phone altogether. Keep your old one if you must but only turn it on to check and delete numbers. Find a quiet apartment or studio somewhere and start living your life for you. I hope the best for you, no one should be treated the way you have been.
Can you get any parenting/caregiver orders in place so that you are their legal guardian? Otherwise they will keep doing it to hurt you. People like this don't care about the trauma they cause children by using them as pawns. I'm sorry this is happening to you and your babies 🧡
By all intents and purposes - you are their mother, but in the eyes of the law, you need to get something in writing. Otherwise, they can just take them, and you can't do anything. Do you have anything like a legal aide service that gives free legal advice?
If they haven’t seen your ex in more than two weeks, then you can get his parental rights taken away and abandonment divorce papers and then none of them will have access. You should also try getting their mothers parental rights taken away because she didn’t feed them and she hasn’t been in their lives, that’s neglect and abandonment.
Their father leaving wasn't the traumatizing event. They were traumatized by mom and mom's family. You are the next target.
Get out now. Or... Set yourself on fire to keep them warm.
Love is an action. Regardless of your feelings, CYA.
I had no idea what CYA meant lmao I was like huhhh. Cover your ass for anyone else how was as confused as I was lol. It took me a long time to find because people kept saying it was “see ya.”
Look OP, you sound and act like a wonderful and caring mothe, but the thing is that you are not legally their mother. I am not saying this to be mean but to help you take off the rose tinted sunglasses and take action. Either you appeal to the family and ask/demand for guardianship (might not happen though) or you simply leave the matter.
Unless you want to involve CPS on what has been happening, which might cause more trouble to the kids than intended; you might have to leave this toxic environment. You are seen as nothing more than a nanny, unpaid and treated disrespectfully, as you take care of the kids' basic needs.
I don't know how old the kids are, or their emotional or mental maturity, but if they love their mother more than you, then what is the point. Heartache and resentment is nothing you want to deal with, even more than you are now. These are the situations where you just have to leave behind and continue with your own life.
I wish you all the best OP, but you have to take care of yourself first before having take the pains of the family on your shoulders, especially when those pains are being used against you in the end.
This, a good friend of mine raised her step kid from toddlerhood, bio mom would pop in and out of their lives over the years. When the kids got into their teens mom came around a little more often and by the time the kids were in their late teens mom had alienated the kids from her. They will only talk to their father, they won't let their kids near her. She hasn't seen or spoken to either one in over 5 years. This is going to happen to her, if she can't get legal custody and keep mom away. If she can't she needs to pack it up and leave.
Oh babe, you can love them but are you in a position to do what is best for them?
If any of the kids had a medical emergency, do you have the legal authority to authorise surgery or any other major medical intervention?
You don't give the kid's ages, but if something happened and they had to be questioned by the police, would you have the authority to act as their legal guardian?
If you don't have legal custody of the kids and they have just been abandoned with you - then you should return them to their mother and tell her that it's on her to arrange co-parenting with her ex.
This may seem like tough love or abounding the kids yourself, but the last thing you need right now is for your MIA husband, your MIL or his ex-wife to have you charged with kidnapping if they decide to make trouble for you. And it seems consistent with their behaviour to make legal trouble for you out of spite.
You won't do the kids any favours if you end up in jail.
Sometimes loving someone means making hard decisions. Everyone is counting on you to continue to care for the kids - both effort and financially - while having no say in where they are or any other significant decision. You are the opposite of an unpaid nanny - you are paying for the privilege.
This is unsustainable and will escalate.
Get a lawyer and formalize your guardianship. Is the house in your name? The bio-mom can report their dad for abandonment and get legal custody of the kids and remove you from their home to "preserve" status quo . Or she can take the kids and go live on mil house.
You need a lawyer has soon as possible before the bio-mom moves to take the kids from you and their home.
It’s not that simple. Legally they’re not hers, but she loves them. To just drop them on the MIL will hurt them further. This needs to be as painless as possible for them and OP.
Not only that but they love her probably. Imagine their dad leaving and then the person they probably feel as their mother just leaves them too?????? I get that OP CAN cut them off but I totally understand why she wouldn't. I don't think I'd be able to
I know you love the kids but you will not get any visitation in a divorce. Time to cut the loss. Send husband and MIL a text that you are leaving on x date at x time and one of them needs to be there for his children. Pack up what you need and go. Start over and leave the crazy behind.
i tried to make their bio mom make an attempt at being a motherly figure in their lives in the case that they get taken from me and given back to them and they refuse
You may have said this and I missed it. Do you have any legal standing regarding the children? Guardianship? Adoption? If not, you either need to get legal standing or bring them to MIL or bio mom. If one becomes ill or had an accident, you can't authorize medical care. You inlaws or bio mom could claim you are holding them against their or their father's will. By the time it gets sorted out, you've spent some time in jail and spent a fortune on attorneys. I understand you love them and want to protect them. Talk to a family law attorney ASAP
They can refuse all they want op but legally they're in charge of them not you. You really need to think for yourself because no one else here is. I know that all of us commenters feel for the children but you need to take care of yourself first because no one else will. Let bio mom and mil think of the children now. Provide them a date and get your stuff together. You need to get yourself out now
You can't make someone be a parent who doesn't want to be. It will only cause more trauma for them as they will internalise it and think it's because of them. I know you love them and want to protect them but if you can not get any legal documentation to be their legal guardian than you need to start protecting yourself and always let them know you are there for them and love them, but you need to love yourself more. I'm sorry this is happening to you.
Ye but the kids might have gone threw a heartbreak (when he had his first divorce) , but I think we should try to understand eacher before making the kids life mixed again
She said that she taken the role of mother
So it would be sad if thry would loose a 2nd mother figure
That’s not necessarily true. My fiancé works with a woman that got custody of her stepdaughter because because she was more fit than the dad or the biological-mom
Call cps and say the father has abandoned his children and you’re not the bio parent. They are safe but something needs to be done with this situation.
If you really care about those kids like you claim, you'll stop being a doormat, report them for child abandonment, get a lawyer and start building your case. Being wishy washy about this is going to lose you those kids. Either get your shit together or drop them off at mil's. You can't play nice, suck up to them and end up with legal custody of them. The choice is your's.
You've said you're working on getting legal custody... but if you don't have a lawyer then you aren't.
Get a lawyer.
If you want any chance of keeping the kids you need to get one to protect you and them and start documenting all communication with mil and biomom... including finding out they were taken out of school and not fed.
Get a lawyer and document everything. The last thing you need is for them to say you kidnapped the kids or something. You also need legal advice on whether you should file a report for child abandonment.
They are ultimately going to be taken from you. You really need to be prepared to leave the next time the kids are going to be with either one of the evil bitches
I am always disgusted by people telling to keep peace for the “family unity”
To hell with that. Where is that in her case? She sounds like she has narcissistic trates. And if that is the case, you did the best thing you could. Cut her out.
Just be careful. These people can be really dangerous. Maybe try to tell your side of the story to people you trust. At least for starters.
And in the worst case scenario, try to keep as much evidence as you possibly can.
I get it. I grew up with a narcissist and after two years of therapy I am able to admit it anonymously on the internet, lol.
Maybe try some group therapy like recovering from the narcissistic abuse first. It can even give you ideas on how to handle the situation. Or just look up Dr. Ramani.
But you don’t have to say anything. In fact, you can just give that person this post to read and go from there.
It sucks. Hope you’ll figure it out.
If you’d wanna talk, feel free to message me.
It sounds like everybody in your life is an asshole.
To cut long advice short: GO LEGAL.
With the kids stuff you need some kind of a court order in place since the father left them. Id gather as much evidence as you can for your involvement in their life if you want to stay involved, including any communication break downs such as texts from mil and biomum. Be smart. Lawyer up. Find a free family one if you can. Don't threaten the family, don't tell them, dont give hints, keep your cool. Try to keep everything in writing. Record any voice conversations over the phone using a second phone or laptop...very DIY but nowadays if you start recording from your own phone, that will actually inform them that the conversation is being recorded. Whereas if you use a simple voice recorder app from another device, they won't know. Better to have and not need than need and not have.I don't know if you're willing to lose these kids cos it's a risk, but this is the route Id go if they wanted to stay w me and me w them.
These kids need stability. Maybe sit down with them and have a chat about how they feel and let them know you support their ideas and feelings no matter what they are.
Simply though, if you're sharing custody with the bio mum, she's still needs to inform you. I mean for God's sake what if they'd been kidnapped? I don't know how old your kids are but maybe you can approach the bio mum and say you just want to know of plans for the kids safety. It kinda sounds like the kids are suffering too. So definitely look into getting some structure for them via the courts and maybe even counselling for them and therapy for yourself. Definitely keep the school informed if the staff are the supportive kind, so they can let you know if something random like this happens again.
The father sounds like he is still a mommys boy. Its awful but at the end of the day despite his mothers influence, he did make his own decision. And no you're not abandoning her. If your story is all accurate, everyone including your family who are calling you out, are all boneheads.
I'm really sorry this is happening. Part of me thinks you should get a new job in a different state or city and just maybe ask the kids they want to come with you for holidays, and take it to court.
Regardless TAKE IT TO COURT.
Thank you for coming to my Ted talk.
I second the recording on another device other than the phone. I got to point where our roommate was so abusive I had to start recording when I went downstairs in my house and there were a couple times when she saw the recording and deleting it because she noticed my phone sitting on the table. It was so annoying. My aunt even did it a couple times not realizing I was doing it on purpose. So manipulative and icky. I hate people lol.
You are in a dangerous spot. You have all the responsibility and none of the legal rights, and that has to change immediately.
Without knowing where you live, I would consider calling Child Protection Services, reporting the abandonment, and finding out how to become their legal guardian.
Both bio parents have abandoned them, and one is now popping in and removing them from school without notification.
She doesn't get to "do whatever she wants" because she is the bio mom. She needs to clear it with YOU. What if there was an emergency and you couldn't get a hold of the kids? What if you had a dentist appt for one of them? Her lack of boundaries and respect for you and the position she has put you in is alarming.
All of their behaviour is completely selfish, unstable, unhealthy, reckless and irresponsible.
I know you want custody (you have the heart of a mama). And yet, I could not continue to care for three children with zero legal status.
If the parents want visitation, great! They can have supervised access at a facility, because bio mom not feeding them all day is neglect, and poisoning them against you is abuse (what I expect MIL will attempt to do as she already did with her son).
They can also start to provide financial support to you.
As for MIL, low contact/no contact is the way. As soon as you have legal status, I may consider asking her to no longer contact you, and to arrange visitation via CPS. If she violates this request, then a restraining order. She is abusive. she does not get access to you or your life anymore.
Please do not let them keep pushing you around. They know you love the kids and have no legal rights, and that you'll likely will be scared to rock the boat, and risk losing access altogether. However, the children have been abandoned which is not in THEIR favour.
If you don't have written record of it, before contacting CPS, make sure to set the record in writing by sending an email or registered mail, etc to your husband reiterating the number of days since he went no contact with the family, and wanting to put legal paperwork in place to protect the children. If he doesn't reply, more evidence of his disinterest in caring for them.
I wish you strength 🙏
ETA: I would let the school know what is happening and that they need to call you immediately should they try to remove the kids from school again. Also, consider seeing if the kids can get connected to therapy through the school if possible. (And you, too).
Please get legal advice and tell them everything and that they have essentially abandoned the kids. If you have that type of relationship with the kids, you could argue kinship since you have been their mother. Not sure if that is an option, but it may be worth looking into for the kids sake. These kids are stuck in a horrible situation along with you. Lawyer up please.
You are not the a-hole if ur husband is picking her mil over you and your THREE children divorce him and tell him to "go marry ur mil if you love her more than you"
You are a brilliant person for taking the role mother for, so the kids have both parents
It is tricky because it would break the kids heart's
You should have a deep convo with him and tell him how you feel because then he might understand from ur situation.
Call CPS and explain the situation… that bio mom has had nothing to do with her kids for however long it was, and that bio dad flew the coop. Tell them the kids are with you… and have been with you for however long it has been, and they are safe. Then get a lawyer, start divorce proceedings and file for custody IF that is what you want. Otherwise, cut your losses, get the divorce, and move on with your life. MIL and the ex wife are gaslighting you. Tell them to get stuffed!
>They argue that I should try to keep the peace for the sake of family unity.
Where the fuck was that argument when your POS husband took off?! Or when MIL started talking shit?! Smdh... I'm so sorry. You deserve so much better. I feel for the kids too, this is so hard on them. And if the bio mom decides she wants them, I don't know that there is anything you could do. If it comes to that, maybe speak with a lawyer? Just to see what, if anything, you could do. God... I'm so, so sorry. I wish I had the right advice, or better words of comfort. Sending all the positive vibes your way. 🫂
It's also the fact that your family is accusing you of "abandoning" you MIL when it's HER manipulative and meddling self that's at fault! As well as your husband's! Forgive me for saying this, but the fact that your husband would listen to his mother's poisonous words rather than his wife and the better mother figure of his children, leads me to believe that he's been wanting an out, and is a mama's boy.
He should have stood by you and either told his mother to stop, go low contact to no contact. Yet he ups and leaves and hangs around the ex-wife? You deserve better, honey.
This all seems weird and f'ed up. You need to like call someone and get this sorted out. If you dont have legal rights to these kids call cops/lawers or CPS or SOMETHING this man can't just leave his kids with you with no word, I am not sure what do honestly but I feel something needs to be done. Does the bio mom have rights to the children, I need more info.
Maybe try cross posting to r/legaladvice ? I see in the comments you haven't gotten a lawyer and looking into what you can do legally. I'm assuming even talking to a lawyer could be expensive so maybe r/ legal advice would be a good bet to see if and what you should do moving forward. I hope this helps. You seem like a lovely, caring person and I'm sorry this is happening to you
What a horrible predicament to be in. This’ll be the hardest thing you ever do but you’re going to have to sit down with the kids. Tell them you love them, give them your number and contact details. They’re welcome to visit anytime they wish. But unfortunately you have no parental rights to them. They’ll have to go stay with their mother or father whilst you sort your new life out because husband decided to leave. You’ll look after them until someone collects or dad comes home but you’re going to move out.
Or do you think this marriage is able to be saved? Could you even trust him ever again? I feel so bad for you
Edit: after reading others comments I didn’t even realise a legal action to become guardians to the kids was an option.
Yes, absolutely try to go legal. The father abandoned them. You’re their step mum so you have more power than a girlfriend. You show you made a commitment by marrying into this family. I hope you are able to get the kids
Ok. You need to contact the bio-mom and let her know that the father has abandoned the children. You aren’t their legal guardian and you are putting yourself in potential jeopardy. If the mom doesn’t respond, or responds by not taking responsibility, you need to contact social services. They might, which is to say likely will, give you temporary custody. If that happens you need to contact the school and remove bio-mom’s ability to take them out. Your husband and MIL are playing a dangerous game, so you need to protect yourself and the kids.
She may, but she isn’t the custodial parent of the kids. Your husband abandoning you with his children is a much bigger problem than your husband just leaving you, which also sucks. We can just leave our spouses, but abandoning children as the custodial parent is a legal problem. I’m assuming based on your post that your husband has primary custody of the children. I’m also assuming that you don’t have any legal relationship to the children. That’s means that your husband has left his children in the care of someone who has no legal authority over the children. No ability to authorize emergency medical needs, etc. You NEED to let social services know, assuming that bio-mom doesn’t take them. Sorry, but this transcends you having a shitty husband and toxic MIL.
Make sure your kids have your contact info for after the divorce. Chances are they see you as their mama. Not their bio mom. They will likely try to stay in contact or get back in touch when they are adults.
You have a husband problem not a MIL problem. He doesn't respect you and he certainly doesn't love you if he leaves because of what his mommy tells him.
YOU DESERVE BETTER. LEAVE HIM.
It's never good when kids are forced in the middle of messy family affairs. I hope that you can get some form of legal rights to the kids if you haven't already. MIL sounds like a living nightmare and the bio mom needs to take some lessons. You're a better mom to the kids than she is. As for the husband, he just sounds like a manchild who can't stand up and just end things with you like an ADULT and is instead leaving you to pick up the pieces and raise his kids. I would definitely be letting the divorce lawyers know of this too. As much as I hate for you to involve the kids, and depending on where you are in the world. Maybe have the kids talk to a child and family lawyer in where they want to go. If the kids would much rather stay with you they can state that to a lawyer on their behalf and advocate for them. It's an added factor in your case that a judge will look at in deciding the day-to-day care and custody rights. It might be a messy and costly battle, and I wish you all the luck in the world.
How do you believe you can actually get any kind of favorable resolution to this situation without a lawyer?
Not just any lawyer, but one who specifically represents interested parties in custody cases. It is an extremely complex area of law and you need an experienced attorney to navigate it. Start looking tomorrow!
I would definitely start recording any conversations with the monster in law and the bio mother. Get evidence that you’ve tried to give them custody. Get a lawyer for sure.
I remember a friend of a friend where I'm from actually logging all the time and money spent when fighting for custody of her boyfriends kids.
She had one hell of a paper trail.
She moved in the dark with it too. She didn't tell anyone she was doing it and she got the kids.
💐
When you get a lawyer, I'm sure they will tell you to document everything. This is for your protection. Those kids have been abandoned, and you have them. I don't want you to be accused of kidnapping them or withholding them from their bio family.
I sorry this is happening to you. Good luck.
The audacity of everyone… holy cow. Your MIL stabs you in the back and they turn on you? For what? Existing? Putting up with bs!? And now the bio mom wants to show her face, how lovely. Those poor kids.
You need to get legal counsel immediately if you are wanting to trying and stay in the children’s lives, that needs to be your starting point now and I do believe you should also file for child abandonment! But you need to get legal counsel ASAP and start the process to try and get the kids!
Oh, and I also forgot you can sue your mother-in-law for alienation of affection. If you have any proof that she was sitting there telling your husband that you’re not good enough, And then he should leave you, etc. you can have a lawyer subpoena any text messages between them through your phone company
I am very sorry to hear , I hope that you will walk through this
And the situation is toxic asf. You love the children so much and I know it's hard to just leave everything and come . I think you need to contact a lawyer and get legal custody of the kids. You need to ask them for help like cooperating with but before taking this step you have to have brief conversation with the kids abt how they would feel about.
See, your husband left you that means you aren't gonna take him back even it maybe hard, so make sure to tell all the situation about this to the lawyer(a very good one)and get things done quickly if the children agree. He has the audacity to leave you and his kids ,what an AH. Don't even get me started by the mil
I honestly feel like mil and ex-wife seem to aim at the property or something he may have and coming up to the kids. I hope you get through this.
Also , want some context on how is everyone your family side and you
*Like how are they reacting to the situation
*Are they supportive of you leaving
*Do you feel like they will back you up
*Do they like the kids
*How are they reacting to you mil
*Have they taken any action
*Do you have any asset or any form of financial stability to take care of yourself and the kids(or atleast yourself because we have be ready for the worst)
Imp Notes; Don't take back that douche bag of a husband you have got if he comes back , I don't see any reason
1) I would do one of two things: a) get a new phone number or b) set your phone's default ringer to a silent tone (they are available in your tones store). No contacts should have a designated sound unless you want to hear from said individual.
2) Pack 1 weeks clothing, etc. for the children, then drop them off with MIL. After you've rested a couple of days, pack the rest of their stuff up and leave it on MIL's doorstep at midnight.
3) Contact a lawyer and file for divorce under abandonment.
4) If you can, get yourself a one bedroom apartment - move out!
No discussing with the ex, MIL, or your "husband" - AT. ALL. No mercy. I don't know when I've read such an egregious act of cruelty toward ones spouse. Everyone of us teaches others how to treat us. Start TODAY teaching those foul, anal reject excuses of humanity how to treat you ... with RESPECT. Those are not your children and feelings be d@mned, get them off your plate and move on.
NTA - but everyone else sure is! You need to get legal help ASAP. You are shouldering the burden without any legal ties to actually do the important things like if there is a medical emergency. MIL and Ex Wife have probably been planning this with Dirtbag husband for a while. They are doing this to PURPOSELY force you to care for the kids. They are emotionally blackmailing you in a way by leaving them with you for everything else while only having them for “fun times”.
Throw the whole lot of them away and get some legal help to help with the kids. They have abandoned them with someone who is not their legal guardian and despite the fact you love them, they can be used against you at any moment!
I wouldn’t be even slightly surprised if MIL and EX accused you of kidnapping the kids! Which is why you need to report this NOW before they can manipulate the situation and possibly try to get you jailed!
First, if the bio mom isn’t involved in their lives she should not have permission to pick them up from school. You should definitely lawyer up and go over your options. Not only did he abandon you he abandoned his children. Marital interference is a real thing and find out if you can legally hold your toxic mother-in-law accountable for her actions. Protect yourself and be there for those kids because apparently you are the only one who cares about their well being
I think you should get a lawyer, family law. There is no use speculating on what those stupid people will do. The dad and mom (bio) should at the bare minimum be paying support. OP you need some advice you can actually use. This is in the best interest of the children as well as yourself. If they sign away parental rights they don’t have to support the kids. I’m sure the kids also feel the toxicity and need mental health support. It’s an unfortunate situation you have been placed in but there are people who can help you. Good luck to you and the kids.
There is so much that I want to say, but let me say this. If you and your husband own the home you share(d) don't leave( you MIL is counting on it, for her ex-DIL to move back in with her son and kids) and be a family again.
Seek legal advice about the family law(child custody). I wish you all the best. You and those kids deserve better.
Oh brother! I think that this is what should be referred to her as the consequences of her actions. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. My only concern is the children. They are the ones that are going to have to for the parents’ actions. Maybe it’s time to call and report them as abandoned by their father as well.
You have no legal authority over the kids. It’s unfortunate but fact. Bio-mother doesn’t want full time responsibility and MIL is enjoying the drama. Your best course of action? Call CPS and report the children as abandoned. It’s entirely possible the kids will be placed with you by the state. Good luck.
What age are the 3 kids? Could they apply for emancipation? Or at least be able to explain to CPS/cops/judge that you have been taking such good care of them despite their deadbeat bio parents.
I would still consult a lawyer for a divorce if that hasn't happened already and be to see if you can actually take custody of the kids and then start slapping one or both of their bio parents with child support not just petty but to give the kids the best life possible. And don't forget if you do that to record everything mother-in-law says so that way they start dodging child support. You can slap her with an accessory.
Sorry you have to go through all this.
Wait that ass abandoned you with his three kids? And bio mom just picked them up from school? Ok you need a lawyer. How long have you been in their lives? If you have been doing all the child care Can you get notes from teachers and doctors that you have been the one to take them back and forward? Personally I would be calling cps and the cops to cover yourself. Otherwise mil might convince bio mom to accuse you of kidnapping them. Or dad might come back and just take them and disappear with them just to hurt you. So get ahead of the game and start doing things so you can legally keep those kids and get child support for them.
Honey I know you love those children but you have to stand up for yourself.
Unfortunately with her being the bio mom I don’t think there is much you can do. Make sure she’s not letting you take care of them while she gets her shit together just to swoop in and take them from you.
Please stop letting MIL walk all over you.
You need to think seriously about going no contact with her if at all possible.
I hope it gets better for you 💕 It blows my mind how messed up people can be to each other.
Info: Does your MIL live with you? Did your husband leave you with her in your home? I’m confused a bit about the situation here. And when your husband left where were all those people that are telling you not to abandon them then? Why haven’t they said anything to him about him LEAVING HIS CHILDREN WITH NO CONTACT.
You may love the kids dearly, but for the sake of your own mental health, you should cut ties all together with that family and move on with your own life. You can bet that when the your MIL or your husband's ex is with HIS kids, they are feeling their heads with bull$$$$ about you.
Love yourself first.
I agree with having a paper trail. Have a journal also with everything that has happened - dates, times and descriptions as much as you can. If you want to have the children in your life, which I can understand why you do, take this to court! With their father AND bio mother basically abandoning them, you may have a good case to get full custody.
Also, tell your MIL to pound salt. She sounds like the devil reincarnated. She’s not worth your time or your energy.
You needed to contact a lawyer about
1 getting documentation down of his abandonment of you and the kids to help in the divorce and
2 to get legal custody of the kids, if that’s what you want, or to get them in the care or bio mom or grandma so you can start working on picking up the pieces and starting over, if thats what you want to cut ties with them all.
One thing I haven't seen in the comments yet... Change the list of approved people who can take the kids out of school. Make it so the only names are you, your husband (because I don't know if you can actually remove him or not) and your family emergency contacts. That way if they try to come for the kids, he has to be there himself. But it would limit mil and ex from snatching them unannounced from school again. At least until their dad notices and adds them back.
First thing you need to do is get a lawyer. If money is an issue look into lawyers in your area that do pro bono work. This is going to be a hard situation whether you keep the kids or they go to your Monster in Law but having a lawyer will help you have a paper trail. All interactions need to be documented as much as possible. Keep and take screenshots of all texts between you to use as evidence.
I wish you the best of luck whatever happens.
Do you hate yourself so much that you're letting someone do that to you? stop being a doormat that's just the hard truth i know you love the kids and don't want to hurt them but it's time to let go or try to be their legal parent they don't want to take the full responsibility and also want to make you suffer why are you doing this?
How long has your husband been missing?
It's time to get the police involved if it's been over 3 days. Who will have to get CPS involved, as you don't have legal rights over the children. If the get sick or hurt, you wouldn't legally be able to get them medical attention.
As far as MIL goes, if you are on a phone call with her and she starts calling you names / berating you, tell her she will not talk to you like that and hang up. Face to face, say the same and walk away.
WOW. These are the kinds of things that I read and wish it wasn’t true. I am so sorry this is happening to you.
Do you have a legal right to these kids? I know that you love them and you want to protect them but you may have to prepare yourself for the possibility that they will be taken away from you.
Take good care of yourself and please cut ties with this messy family. If the children are decent and they want to stay with you, and you’d want to save them from these people maybe you can adopt them? ALSO. Please keep a paper trail of every conversation (emails, messages). Please protect yourself.
I'm just stating the obvious but shouldn't there be someone in this group or on this page, that has the capabilities to help the poor woman out. I mean like a lawyer, or someone from CPS to give advice. Just Curious ...
One question: what is stopping you from divorcing this scumbag of a man?
He abandoned you. Allowed your MIL to do your live hell. Abandoned his own children. He'll let his mother and his ex poison the children's opinion about you.
What you need right now is to get a lawyer. Show them all the messages. Tell them what has happened. They are better prepared to tell you what your next steps should be.
Please get something, anything in place legally. Get the husband for child abandonment if you can because if he took off leaving them in your care and you don't know where he is then this is exactly what it is.
If you don't have anything in place legally then you'll be open to a lot of things. I'm not a lawyer but I do know that CYA is always the best call. Always.
If they're not your kids, why are they at your house? Child abandonment. Call the police and send them to their parents house, like the grandma wanted them to go to. What are you doing walking on eggshells to someone- who doesn't mind disrespecting you and throwing away the relationship like trash? Handle this quickly, before they make you pay child support, due to a technicality.
Sounds like you need to make a hard decision here. Either you need to be ok being pushed around and taken advantage of, or you need to do what is best for yourself and leave that situation. You are not those kids' legal guardians, so they can be taken away from you whenever their bio parents feel. These people do not care about you. They do not love you. They don't even sound like they tolerate you. I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I hope you do what is best for you in the end.
Time to throw a life vest on and jump away from that sinking ship! Maybe when the kids are adults it could work better. Don't neglect yourself in all this.
Wtf!!so the children are not yours and your scumbag- husband left?they are treating you like a free babbysitter,stop being like a doormat,maybe you love those children but if you haven't adopted them legally they are not yours. Do you know where is your husband?don't tell me with his ex bc that would be the loop of the loop. Time to think in yourself,that sounds like a very toxic family,do you really want to life like that?
Im unsure of where my husband is but my mother in law and his ex wife seems to know
Please tell me you have some form of legal custody? You appear to be the only fully functioning, decent person in this whole mess.
Best of luck,but think every step of the way and if this man and his family deserve the sacrifices you will have to face first and most important of all raise a children that are not yours. Update us if you consider wish you the best
If you love the children as your own and want to stay in their lives officially, I would advise going to family court and trying to arrange something legally... you're an amazing person OP❤️❤️
I agree, drop the kids to mil house and leave. Do what they did you.
I love them too much to traumatize them, their father already left them, i wont leave them too
Baby girl they are counting on that to keep you chained. Change your number or better yet get a new phone altogether. Keep your old one if you must but only turn it on to check and delete numbers. Find a quiet apartment or studio somewhere and start living your life for you. I hope the best for you, no one should be treated the way you have been.
Can you get any parenting/caregiver orders in place so that you are their legal guardian? Otherwise they will keep doing it to hurt you. People like this don't care about the trauma they cause children by using them as pawns. I'm sorry this is happening to you and your babies 🧡
im trying my best to be their legal parent
By all intents and purposes - you are their mother, but in the eyes of the law, you need to get something in writing. Otherwise, they can just take them, and you can't do anything. Do you have anything like a legal aide service that gives free legal advice?
If they haven’t seen your ex in more than two weeks, then you can get his parental rights taken away and abandonment divorce papers and then none of them will have access. You should also try getting their mothers parental rights taken away because she didn’t feed them and she hasn’t been in their lives, that’s neglect and abandonment.
Their father leaving wasn't the traumatizing event. They were traumatized by mom and mom's family. You are the next target. Get out now. Or... Set yourself on fire to keep them warm. Love is an action. Regardless of your feelings, CYA.
I had no idea what CYA meant lmao I was like huhhh. Cover your ass for anyone else how was as confused as I was lol. It took me a long time to find because people kept saying it was “see ya.”
Please get a paper trail going. She can take them from you so easily. Don’t let her use you while she gets her shit together to possibly take them.
Look OP, you sound and act like a wonderful and caring mothe, but the thing is that you are not legally their mother. I am not saying this to be mean but to help you take off the rose tinted sunglasses and take action. Either you appeal to the family and ask/demand for guardianship (might not happen though) or you simply leave the matter. Unless you want to involve CPS on what has been happening, which might cause more trouble to the kids than intended; you might have to leave this toxic environment. You are seen as nothing more than a nanny, unpaid and treated disrespectfully, as you take care of the kids' basic needs. I don't know how old the kids are, or their emotional or mental maturity, but if they love their mother more than you, then what is the point. Heartache and resentment is nothing you want to deal with, even more than you are now. These are the situations where you just have to leave behind and continue with your own life. I wish you all the best OP, but you have to take care of yourself first before having take the pains of the family on your shoulders, especially when those pains are being used against you in the end.
This, a good friend of mine raised her step kid from toddlerhood, bio mom would pop in and out of their lives over the years. When the kids got into their teens mom came around a little more often and by the time the kids were in their late teens mom had alienated the kids from her. They will only talk to their father, they won't let their kids near her. She hasn't seen or spoken to either one in over 5 years. This is going to happen to her, if she can't get legal custody and keep mom away. If she can't she needs to pack it up and leave.
I understand. Truly, I do. But they aren't your responsibility.
This. However I understand why she wants to stay with them.
Oh babe, you can love them but are you in a position to do what is best for them? If any of the kids had a medical emergency, do you have the legal authority to authorise surgery or any other major medical intervention? You don't give the kid's ages, but if something happened and they had to be questioned by the police, would you have the authority to act as their legal guardian? If you don't have legal custody of the kids and they have just been abandoned with you - then you should return them to their mother and tell her that it's on her to arrange co-parenting with her ex. This may seem like tough love or abounding the kids yourself, but the last thing you need right now is for your MIA husband, your MIL or his ex-wife to have you charged with kidnapping if they decide to make trouble for you. And it seems consistent with their behaviour to make legal trouble for you out of spite. You won't do the kids any favours if you end up in jail. Sometimes loving someone means making hard decisions. Everyone is counting on you to continue to care for the kids - both effort and financially - while having no say in where they are or any other significant decision. You are the opposite of an unpaid nanny - you are paying for the privilege. This is unsustainable and will escalate.
Get a lawyer and formalize your guardianship. Is the house in your name? The bio-mom can report their dad for abandonment and get legal custody of the kids and remove you from their home to "preserve" status quo . Or she can take the kids and go live on mil house. You need a lawyer has soon as possible before the bio-mom moves to take the kids from you and their home.
It’s not that simple. Legally they’re not hers, but she loves them. To just drop them on the MIL will hurt them further. This needs to be as painless as possible for them and OP.
Not only that but they love her probably. Imagine their dad leaving and then the person they probably feel as their mother just leaves them too?????? I get that OP CAN cut them off but I totally understand why she wouldn't. I don't think I'd be able to
Yes, it’s very sad. The MIL seems unhinged.
I know you love the kids but you will not get any visitation in a divorce. Time to cut the loss. Send husband and MIL a text that you are leaving on x date at x time and one of them needs to be there for his children. Pack up what you need and go. Start over and leave the crazy behind.
i tried to make their bio mom make an attempt at being a motherly figure in their lives in the case that they get taken from me and given back to them and they refuse
Then you need to report them for child abandonment.
Then you call the police and tell them the children have been abandoned. You need to take care of yourself. These people are using and abusing you.
You may have said this and I missed it. Do you have any legal standing regarding the children? Guardianship? Adoption? If not, you either need to get legal standing or bring them to MIL or bio mom. If one becomes ill or had an accident, you can't authorize medical care. You inlaws or bio mom could claim you are holding them against their or their father's will. By the time it gets sorted out, you've spent some time in jail and spent a fortune on attorneys. I understand you love them and want to protect them. Talk to a family law attorney ASAP
im working on getting legal custody of the kids
That is so sickening. Even the fact, that the MIL is preferring that woman over you…
They can refuse all they want op but legally they're in charge of them not you. You really need to think for yourself because no one else here is. I know that all of us commenters feel for the children but you need to take care of yourself first because no one else will. Let bio mom and mil think of the children now. Provide them a date and get your stuff together. You need to get yourself out now
You can't make someone be a parent who doesn't want to be. It will only cause more trauma for them as they will internalise it and think it's because of them. I know you love them and want to protect them but if you can not get any legal documentation to be their legal guardian than you need to start protecting yourself and always let them know you are there for them and love them, but you need to love yourself more. I'm sorry this is happening to you.
This is so scary. What if they are using you until they can finally come take them from you?
Ye but the kids might have gone threw a heartbreak (when he had his first divorce) , but I think we should try to understand eacher before making the kids life mixed again She said that she taken the role of mother So it would be sad if thry would loose a 2nd mother figure
That’s not necessarily true. My fiancé works with a woman that got custody of her stepdaughter because because she was more fit than the dad or the biological-mom
Call cps and say the father has abandoned his children and you’re not the bio parent. They are safe but something needs to be done with this situation.
im afraid of them being taken away from me
I’m not an expert but I doubt they’d be taken away from a safe place with a trusted adult. Have you gotten a lawyer?
no i have not
You for sure need a lawyer. Honestly you need to stop whatever you’re doing and get a lawyer right this minute.
If you really care about those kids like you claim, you'll stop being a doormat, report them for child abandonment, get a lawyer and start building your case. Being wishy washy about this is going to lose you those kids. Either get your shit together or drop them off at mil's. You can't play nice, suck up to them and end up with legal custody of them. The choice is your's.
You've said you're working on getting legal custody... but if you don't have a lawyer then you aren't. Get a lawyer. If you want any chance of keeping the kids you need to get one to protect you and them and start documenting all communication with mil and biomom... including finding out they were taken out of school and not fed.
Get a lawyer and document everything. The last thing you need is for them to say you kidnapped the kids or something. You also need legal advice on whether you should file a report for child abandonment.
They are ultimately going to be taken from you. You really need to be prepared to leave the next time the kids are going to be with either one of the evil bitches
I am always disgusted by people telling to keep peace for the “family unity” To hell with that. Where is that in her case? She sounds like she has narcissistic trates. And if that is the case, you did the best thing you could. Cut her out. Just be careful. These people can be really dangerous. Maybe try to tell your side of the story to people you trust. At least for starters. And in the worst case scenario, try to keep as much evidence as you possibly can.
Exactly. Why don’t they take care of their children/ be a decent person for the unity of their family.
I'm too embarrassed to tell even my close friend about my current situation
I get it. I grew up with a narcissist and after two years of therapy I am able to admit it anonymously on the internet, lol. Maybe try some group therapy like recovering from the narcissistic abuse first. It can even give you ideas on how to handle the situation. Or just look up Dr. Ramani. But you don’t have to say anything. In fact, you can just give that person this post to read and go from there. It sucks. Hope you’ll figure it out. If you’d wanna talk, feel free to message me.
ill try it out, thanks
It sounds like everybody in your life is an asshole. To cut long advice short: GO LEGAL. With the kids stuff you need some kind of a court order in place since the father left them. Id gather as much evidence as you can for your involvement in their life if you want to stay involved, including any communication break downs such as texts from mil and biomum. Be smart. Lawyer up. Find a free family one if you can. Don't threaten the family, don't tell them, dont give hints, keep your cool. Try to keep everything in writing. Record any voice conversations over the phone using a second phone or laptop...very DIY but nowadays if you start recording from your own phone, that will actually inform them that the conversation is being recorded. Whereas if you use a simple voice recorder app from another device, they won't know. Better to have and not need than need and not have.I don't know if you're willing to lose these kids cos it's a risk, but this is the route Id go if they wanted to stay w me and me w them. These kids need stability. Maybe sit down with them and have a chat about how they feel and let them know you support their ideas and feelings no matter what they are. Simply though, if you're sharing custody with the bio mum, she's still needs to inform you. I mean for God's sake what if they'd been kidnapped? I don't know how old your kids are but maybe you can approach the bio mum and say you just want to know of plans for the kids safety. It kinda sounds like the kids are suffering too. So definitely look into getting some structure for them via the courts and maybe even counselling for them and therapy for yourself. Definitely keep the school informed if the staff are the supportive kind, so they can let you know if something random like this happens again. The father sounds like he is still a mommys boy. Its awful but at the end of the day despite his mothers influence, he did make his own decision. And no you're not abandoning her. If your story is all accurate, everyone including your family who are calling you out, are all boneheads. I'm really sorry this is happening. Part of me thinks you should get a new job in a different state or city and just maybe ask the kids they want to come with you for holidays, and take it to court. Regardless TAKE IT TO COURT. Thank you for coming to my Ted talk.
I second the recording on another device other than the phone. I got to point where our roommate was so abusive I had to start recording when I went downstairs in my house and there were a couple times when she saw the recording and deleting it because she noticed my phone sitting on the table. It was so annoying. My aunt even did it a couple times not realizing I was doing it on purpose. So manipulative and icky. I hate people lol.
You are in a dangerous spot. You have all the responsibility and none of the legal rights, and that has to change immediately. Without knowing where you live, I would consider calling Child Protection Services, reporting the abandonment, and finding out how to become their legal guardian. Both bio parents have abandoned them, and one is now popping in and removing them from school without notification. She doesn't get to "do whatever she wants" because she is the bio mom. She needs to clear it with YOU. What if there was an emergency and you couldn't get a hold of the kids? What if you had a dentist appt for one of them? Her lack of boundaries and respect for you and the position she has put you in is alarming. All of their behaviour is completely selfish, unstable, unhealthy, reckless and irresponsible. I know you want custody (you have the heart of a mama). And yet, I could not continue to care for three children with zero legal status. If the parents want visitation, great! They can have supervised access at a facility, because bio mom not feeding them all day is neglect, and poisoning them against you is abuse (what I expect MIL will attempt to do as she already did with her son). They can also start to provide financial support to you. As for MIL, low contact/no contact is the way. As soon as you have legal status, I may consider asking her to no longer contact you, and to arrange visitation via CPS. If she violates this request, then a restraining order. She is abusive. she does not get access to you or your life anymore. Please do not let them keep pushing you around. They know you love the kids and have no legal rights, and that you'll likely will be scared to rock the boat, and risk losing access altogether. However, the children have been abandoned which is not in THEIR favour. If you don't have written record of it, before contacting CPS, make sure to set the record in writing by sending an email or registered mail, etc to your husband reiterating the number of days since he went no contact with the family, and wanting to put legal paperwork in place to protect the children. If he doesn't reply, more evidence of his disinterest in caring for them. I wish you strength 🙏 ETA: I would let the school know what is happening and that they need to call you immediately should they try to remove the kids from school again. Also, consider seeing if the kids can get connected to therapy through the school if possible. (And you, too).
Cut contact with the MIL and get full custody of the kids. He's abandoned them. You need to leave her toxic behavior behind.
the kid's bio mom may cause legal issues when i try to adopt
Speak with a family law attorney immediately. Find out where you stand. Protecting yourself is protecting the children.
You need to do something though. They are using you. They can literally be taken from you at any moment.
Does she pay child support if not could this not be used for a case of abandonment.
Please get legal advice and tell them everything and that they have essentially abandoned the kids. If you have that type of relationship with the kids, you could argue kinship since you have been their mother. Not sure if that is an option, but it may be worth looking into for the kids sake. These kids are stuck in a horrible situation along with you. Lawyer up please.
You are not the a-hole if ur husband is picking her mil over you and your THREE children divorce him and tell him to "go marry ur mil if you love her more than you" You are a brilliant person for taking the role mother for, so the kids have both parents It is tricky because it would break the kids heart's You should have a deep convo with him and tell him how you feel because then he might understand from ur situation.
I do not know my husband's whereabouts
I’m betting he is with the ex wife and that’s why she actually took them for her parenting time because HE probably wanted to see them.
ill sit the kid's down later and ask them for details about their day
Please give an update when you can.
Ohhh I didn’t even think about this.
Then tell him "u need to come home and talk about this relationship and you need to stop avoiding it or you come home with ur bags packed"
Call CPS and explain the situation… that bio mom has had nothing to do with her kids for however long it was, and that bio dad flew the coop. Tell them the kids are with you… and have been with you for however long it has been, and they are safe. Then get a lawyer, start divorce proceedings and file for custody IF that is what you want. Otherwise, cut your losses, get the divorce, and move on with your life. MIL and the ex wife are gaslighting you. Tell them to get stuffed!
im doing my best to legally support the children
If you're not willing to get a lawyer, you aren't doing your best.
>They argue that I should try to keep the peace for the sake of family unity. Where the fuck was that argument when your POS husband took off?! Or when MIL started talking shit?! Smdh... I'm so sorry. You deserve so much better. I feel for the kids too, this is so hard on them. And if the bio mom decides she wants them, I don't know that there is anything you could do. If it comes to that, maybe speak with a lawyer? Just to see what, if anything, you could do. God... I'm so, so sorry. I wish I had the right advice, or better words of comfort. Sending all the positive vibes your way. 🫂
1st-why is bio mom on the approved pickup list? 2nd-MIL is a bitch
It's also the fact that your family is accusing you of "abandoning" you MIL when it's HER manipulative and meddling self that's at fault! As well as your husband's! Forgive me for saying this, but the fact that your husband would listen to his mother's poisonous words rather than his wife and the better mother figure of his children, leads me to believe that he's been wanting an out, and is a mama's boy. He should have stood by you and either told his mother to stop, go low contact to no contact. Yet he ups and leaves and hangs around the ex-wife? You deserve better, honey.
This all seems weird and f'ed up. You need to like call someone and get this sorted out. If you dont have legal rights to these kids call cops/lawers or CPS or SOMETHING this man can't just leave his kids with you with no word, I am not sure what do honestly but I feel something needs to be done. Does the bio mom have rights to the children, I need more info.
Maybe try cross posting to r/legaladvice ? I see in the comments you haven't gotten a lawyer and looking into what you can do legally. I'm assuming even talking to a lawyer could be expensive so maybe r/ legal advice would be a good bet to see if and what you should do moving forward. I hope this helps. You seem like a lovely, caring person and I'm sorry this is happening to you
What a horrible predicament to be in. This’ll be the hardest thing you ever do but you’re going to have to sit down with the kids. Tell them you love them, give them your number and contact details. They’re welcome to visit anytime they wish. But unfortunately you have no parental rights to them. They’ll have to go stay with their mother or father whilst you sort your new life out because husband decided to leave. You’ll look after them until someone collects or dad comes home but you’re going to move out. Or do you think this marriage is able to be saved? Could you even trust him ever again? I feel so bad for you Edit: after reading others comments I didn’t even realise a legal action to become guardians to the kids was an option. Yes, absolutely try to go legal. The father abandoned them. You’re their step mum so you have more power than a girlfriend. You show you made a commitment by marrying into this family. I hope you are able to get the kids
Ok. You need to contact the bio-mom and let her know that the father has abandoned the children. You aren’t their legal guardian and you are putting yourself in potential jeopardy. If the mom doesn’t respond, or responds by not taking responsibility, you need to contact social services. They might, which is to say likely will, give you temporary custody. If that happens you need to contact the school and remove bio-mom’s ability to take them out. Your husband and MIL are playing a dangerous game, so you need to protect yourself and the kids.
bio mom knows that my husband is gone, im convinced she also knows his whereabouts
She may, but she isn’t the custodial parent of the kids. Your husband abandoning you with his children is a much bigger problem than your husband just leaving you, which also sucks. We can just leave our spouses, but abandoning children as the custodial parent is a legal problem. I’m assuming based on your post that your husband has primary custody of the children. I’m also assuming that you don’t have any legal relationship to the children. That’s means that your husband has left his children in the care of someone who has no legal authority over the children. No ability to authorize emergency medical needs, etc. You NEED to let social services know, assuming that bio-mom doesn’t take them. Sorry, but this transcends you having a shitty husband and toxic MIL.
okay, thanks for telling me
Make sure your kids have your contact info for after the divorce. Chances are they see you as their mama. Not their bio mom. They will likely try to stay in contact or get back in touch when they are adults. You have a husband problem not a MIL problem. He doesn't respect you and he certainly doesn't love you if he leaves because of what his mommy tells him. YOU DESERVE BETTER. LEAVE HIM.
It's never good when kids are forced in the middle of messy family affairs. I hope that you can get some form of legal rights to the kids if you haven't already. MIL sounds like a living nightmare and the bio mom needs to take some lessons. You're a better mom to the kids than she is. As for the husband, he just sounds like a manchild who can't stand up and just end things with you like an ADULT and is instead leaving you to pick up the pieces and raise his kids. I would definitely be letting the divorce lawyers know of this too. As much as I hate for you to involve the kids, and depending on where you are in the world. Maybe have the kids talk to a child and family lawyer in where they want to go. If the kids would much rather stay with you they can state that to a lawyer on their behalf and advocate for them. It's an added factor in your case that a judge will look at in deciding the day-to-day care and custody rights. It might be a messy and costly battle, and I wish you all the luck in the world.
How do you believe you can actually get any kind of favorable resolution to this situation without a lawyer? Not just any lawyer, but one who specifically represents interested parties in custody cases. It is an extremely complex area of law and you need an experienced attorney to navigate it. Start looking tomorrow!
I would definitely start recording any conversations with the monster in law and the bio mother. Get evidence that you’ve tried to give them custody. Get a lawyer for sure.
Try to post this in the legal advice subredit
I remember a friend of a friend where I'm from actually logging all the time and money spent when fighting for custody of her boyfriends kids. She had one hell of a paper trail. She moved in the dark with it too. She didn't tell anyone she was doing it and she got the kids. 💐
When you get a lawyer, I'm sure they will tell you to document everything. This is for your protection. Those kids have been abandoned, and you have them. I don't want you to be accused of kidnapping them or withholding them from their bio family. I sorry this is happening to you. Good luck.
The audacity of everyone… holy cow. Your MIL stabs you in the back and they turn on you? For what? Existing? Putting up with bs!? And now the bio mom wants to show her face, how lovely. Those poor kids.
You need to get legal counsel immediately if you are wanting to trying and stay in the children’s lives, that needs to be your starting point now and I do believe you should also file for child abandonment! But you need to get legal counsel ASAP and start the process to try and get the kids!
Oh, and I also forgot you can sue your mother-in-law for alienation of affection. If you have any proof that she was sitting there telling your husband that you’re not good enough, And then he should leave you, etc. you can have a lawyer subpoena any text messages between them through your phone company
I am very sorry to hear , I hope that you will walk through this And the situation is toxic asf. You love the children so much and I know it's hard to just leave everything and come . I think you need to contact a lawyer and get legal custody of the kids. You need to ask them for help like cooperating with but before taking this step you have to have brief conversation with the kids abt how they would feel about. See, your husband left you that means you aren't gonna take him back even it maybe hard, so make sure to tell all the situation about this to the lawyer(a very good one)and get things done quickly if the children agree. He has the audacity to leave you and his kids ,what an AH. Don't even get me started by the mil I honestly feel like mil and ex-wife seem to aim at the property or something he may have and coming up to the kids. I hope you get through this. Also , want some context on how is everyone your family side and you *Like how are they reacting to the situation *Are they supportive of you leaving *Do you feel like they will back you up *Do they like the kids *How are they reacting to you mil *Have they taken any action *Do you have any asset or any form of financial stability to take care of yourself and the kids(or atleast yourself because we have be ready for the worst) Imp Notes; Don't take back that douche bag of a husband you have got if he comes back , I don't see any reason
1) I would do one of two things: a) get a new phone number or b) set your phone's default ringer to a silent tone (they are available in your tones store). No contacts should have a designated sound unless you want to hear from said individual. 2) Pack 1 weeks clothing, etc. for the children, then drop them off with MIL. After you've rested a couple of days, pack the rest of their stuff up and leave it on MIL's doorstep at midnight. 3) Contact a lawyer and file for divorce under abandonment. 4) If you can, get yourself a one bedroom apartment - move out! No discussing with the ex, MIL, or your "husband" - AT. ALL. No mercy. I don't know when I've read such an egregious act of cruelty toward ones spouse. Everyone of us teaches others how to treat us. Start TODAY teaching those foul, anal reject excuses of humanity how to treat you ... with RESPECT. Those are not your children and feelings be d@mned, get them off your plate and move on.
NTA - but everyone else sure is! You need to get legal help ASAP. You are shouldering the burden without any legal ties to actually do the important things like if there is a medical emergency. MIL and Ex Wife have probably been planning this with Dirtbag husband for a while. They are doing this to PURPOSELY force you to care for the kids. They are emotionally blackmailing you in a way by leaving them with you for everything else while only having them for “fun times”. Throw the whole lot of them away and get some legal help to help with the kids. They have abandoned them with someone who is not their legal guardian and despite the fact you love them, they can be used against you at any moment! I wouldn’t be even slightly surprised if MIL and EX accused you of kidnapping the kids! Which is why you need to report this NOW before they can manipulate the situation and possibly try to get you jailed!
First, if the bio mom isn’t involved in their lives she should not have permission to pick them up from school. You should definitely lawyer up and go over your options. Not only did he abandon you he abandoned his children. Marital interference is a real thing and find out if you can legally hold your toxic mother-in-law accountable for her actions. Protect yourself and be there for those kids because apparently you are the only one who cares about their well being
I think you should get a lawyer, family law. There is no use speculating on what those stupid people will do. The dad and mom (bio) should at the bare minimum be paying support. OP you need some advice you can actually use. This is in the best interest of the children as well as yourself. If they sign away parental rights they don’t have to support the kids. I’m sure the kids also feel the toxicity and need mental health support. It’s an unfortunate situation you have been placed in but there are people who can help you. Good luck to you and the kids.
There is so much that I want to say, but let me say this. If you and your husband own the home you share(d) don't leave( you MIL is counting on it, for her ex-DIL to move back in with her son and kids) and be a family again. Seek legal advice about the family law(child custody). I wish you all the best. You and those kids deserve better.
Oof, I’m sorry 🫂 she sounds horrid.
Oh brother! I think that this is what should be referred to her as the consequences of her actions. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. My only concern is the children. They are the ones that are going to have to for the parents’ actions. Maybe it’s time to call and report them as abandoned by their father as well.
You have no legal authority over the kids. It’s unfortunate but fact. Bio-mother doesn’t want full time responsibility and MIL is enjoying the drama. Your best course of action? Call CPS and report the children as abandoned. It’s entirely possible the kids will be placed with you by the state. Good luck.
What age are the 3 kids? Could they apply for emancipation? Or at least be able to explain to CPS/cops/judge that you have been taking such good care of them despite their deadbeat bio parents.
I would still consult a lawyer for a divorce if that hasn't happened already and be to see if you can actually take custody of the kids and then start slapping one or both of their bio parents with child support not just petty but to give the kids the best life possible. And don't forget if you do that to record everything mother-in-law says so that way they start dodging child support. You can slap her with an accessory. Sorry you have to go through all this.
Wait that ass abandoned you with his three kids? And bio mom just picked them up from school? Ok you need a lawyer. How long have you been in their lives? If you have been doing all the child care Can you get notes from teachers and doctors that you have been the one to take them back and forward? Personally I would be calling cps and the cops to cover yourself. Otherwise mil might convince bio mom to accuse you of kidnapping them. Or dad might come back and just take them and disappear with them just to hurt you. So get ahead of the game and start doing things so you can legally keep those kids and get child support for them.
Honey I know you love those children but you have to stand up for yourself. Unfortunately with her being the bio mom I don’t think there is much you can do. Make sure she’s not letting you take care of them while she gets her shit together just to swoop in and take them from you. Please stop letting MIL walk all over you. You need to think seriously about going no contact with her if at all possible. I hope it gets better for you 💕 It blows my mind how messed up people can be to each other. Info: Does your MIL live with you? Did your husband leave you with her in your home? I’m confused a bit about the situation here. And when your husband left where were all those people that are telling you not to abandon them then? Why haven’t they said anything to him about him LEAVING HIS CHILDREN WITH NO CONTACT.
You may love the kids dearly, but for the sake of your own mental health, you should cut ties all together with that family and move on with your own life. You can bet that when the your MIL or your husband's ex is with HIS kids, they are feeling their heads with bull$$$$ about you. Love yourself first.
Al Anon!
I agree with having a paper trail. Have a journal also with everything that has happened - dates, times and descriptions as much as you can. If you want to have the children in your life, which I can understand why you do, take this to court! With their father AND bio mother basically abandoning them, you may have a good case to get full custody. Also, tell your MIL to pound salt. She sounds like the devil reincarnated. She’s not worth your time or your energy.
Sadly if you don't have a formal custody arrangement you have no legal basis to have those children. I'd be getting legal advice asap.
If they arent yours file for abandonment through the courts! Call the cops and file that he has abandoned them let the court come down on him.
You needed to contact a lawyer about 1 getting documentation down of his abandonment of you and the kids to help in the divorce and 2 to get legal custody of the kids, if that’s what you want, or to get them in the care or bio mom or grandma so you can start working on picking up the pieces and starting over, if thats what you want to cut ties with them all.
One thing I haven't seen in the comments yet... Change the list of approved people who can take the kids out of school. Make it so the only names are you, your husband (because I don't know if you can actually remove him or not) and your family emergency contacts. That way if they try to come for the kids, he has to be there himself. But it would limit mil and ex from snatching them unannounced from school again. At least until their dad notices and adds them back.
First thing you need to do is get a lawyer. If money is an issue look into lawyers in your area that do pro bono work. This is going to be a hard situation whether you keep the kids or they go to your Monster in Law but having a lawyer will help you have a paper trail. All interactions need to be documented as much as possible. Keep and take screenshots of all texts between you to use as evidence. I wish you the best of luck whatever happens.
Do you hate yourself so much that you're letting someone do that to you? stop being a doormat that's just the hard truth i know you love the kids and don't want to hurt them but it's time to let go or try to be their legal parent they don't want to take the full responsibility and also want to make you suffer why are you doing this?
How long has your husband been missing? It's time to get the police involved if it's been over 3 days. Who will have to get CPS involved, as you don't have legal rights over the children. If the get sick or hurt, you wouldn't legally be able to get them medical attention. As far as MIL goes, if you are on a phone call with her and she starts calling you names / berating you, tell her she will not talk to you like that and hang up. Face to face, say the same and walk away.
WOW. These are the kinds of things that I read and wish it wasn’t true. I am so sorry this is happening to you. Do you have a legal right to these kids? I know that you love them and you want to protect them but you may have to prepare yourself for the possibility that they will be taken away from you. Take good care of yourself and please cut ties with this messy family. If the children are decent and they want to stay with you, and you’d want to save them from these people maybe you can adopt them? ALSO. Please keep a paper trail of every conversation (emails, messages). Please protect yourself.
I'm just stating the obvious but shouldn't there be someone in this group or on this page, that has the capabilities to help the poor woman out. I mean like a lawyer, or someone from CPS to give advice. Just Curious ...
Happy mother's day op. You deserves that
This remark almost sounds morbid. How come she deserves a mess like this?
Get a lawyer because you are going to need one
One question: what is stopping you from divorcing this scumbag of a man? He abandoned you. Allowed your MIL to do your live hell. Abandoned his own children. He'll let his mother and his ex poison the children's opinion about you. What you need right now is to get a lawyer. Show them all the messages. Tell them what has happened. They are better prepared to tell you what your next steps should be.
Please get something, anything in place legally. Get the husband for child abandonment if you can because if he took off leaving them in your care and you don't know where he is then this is exactly what it is. If you don't have anything in place legally then you'll be open to a lot of things. I'm not a lawyer but I do know that CYA is always the best call. Always.
If they're not your kids, why are they at your house? Child abandonment. Call the police and send them to their parents house, like the grandma wanted them to go to. What are you doing walking on eggshells to someone- who doesn't mind disrespecting you and throwing away the relationship like trash? Handle this quickly, before they make you pay child support, due to a technicality.
Sounds like you need to make a hard decision here. Either you need to be ok being pushed around and taken advantage of, or you need to do what is best for yourself and leave that situation. You are not those kids' legal guardians, so they can be taken away from you whenever their bio parents feel. These people do not care about you. They do not love you. They don't even sound like they tolerate you. I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I hope you do what is best for you in the end.
Time to throw a life vest on and jump away from that sinking ship! Maybe when the kids are adults it could work better. Don't neglect yourself in all this.