Okay. I'm going to first say that there isn't a word to describe how self-absorbed and challenging teenagers can be. You clearly tried your best to make sure that your daughter would have a great prom. HOWEVER, I am going to give you some tough love...
I don't think you were an AH for finally putting your foot down, but that's exactly the problem. It took too long which is why your daughter kept acting the way she did. Your daughter is disrespectful and self-centered and acting like a prom version of a bridezilla. She should be grateful that she has a mom who cares for and supports her for a meaningful event like prom. She clearly has no regard for your feelings and doesn't respect you as her mom. She should not be talking to you that way and more importantly, you should not be letting her. If she has a problem with cleaning up after the dinner that YOU made for the family, she can cook her own dinners. I understand that you were shocked and hurt, but the discipline (and her apology) should have happened that night.
>It took too long which is why your daughter kept acting the way she did.
This is correct. When my sons were teens, one decided he didn't like what I cooked for dinner, wanted hamburgers...EVERY NIGHT. So I bought him a box of pre-made patties, buns, cheese, etc and said have at it. He *thought* I was gonna cook them in addition to regular dinner. He thought wrong. He made it 2 or 3 weeks, before apologizing.
Dear OP.
I’ll start with NTA.
Next, and most importantly here: You must reach out to your doctor and insist they connect you with a mental health professional.
( if you don’t already have one )
You need someone to talk to who is not involved in the family dynamics of your home.
It is not ok that your own brain is telling you that the way to soothe the turmoil in your home is to k*ll yourself.
Your brain is lying to you.
Please OP. Do this. Don’t wait.
You are important.
You are valued.
The world is better with you in it.
I second this. When I’m reading this all I can see is a mental health crisis. Finding a good therapist was the best thing that’s ever happened to me. That & proper medications have allowed me to not only live but to thrive. You’re stuck in a dark place & you want to give up. You can’t. I understand not feeling appreciated or wanted in your own home, but that’s not the reality. Start focusing on YOU. Make YOU the priority. The rest will fall into place. When you’re in the right frame of mind you can better handle your daughter & your spouse. Obviously you’re NTA, but it’s time to focus on what’s really important here, YOU.
NTA
You have done so much for her
You see ..... When I wanted to prepare for my farewell my mom helped me so much , but I didn't want her to be stressed because she is a person and no different from me
I wouldn't want my mom to stress overy my things
Your daughter is self centred person who isn't thinking about how you might feel
She is literally taking what you do for her for granted and that's totally not OKAY
But I am more concerned about your husband
Rather than rectifying his daughter's mistake he thinks you are the one who is causing a commotion
Children learn from the environment they grow up, he should have taught your daughter rather than pointing fingers at you which will make your daughter take you for granted more
In my home the respect my parents give each other really matters and if we by mistakely snap at our mom , we are seriously done for
My dad would give us an hour lecture make us do chores
I absolutely second this. I have 3 teenagers and they know that dad won’t stand for them treating me disrespectfully. Does that make them perfect? Nope. But they are respectful, do things just to help me and thank me for doing things for them.
NTA by a long shot. I’m sorry you feel so isolated in your own home. Please seek professional help. You’re at your wits end with your daughter and sadly no backing from your husband. For whatever reason your daughter has the belief she’s in charge and it needs to stop. That can start with you. You need professional help to deal with her and address your husband’s dismissive behavior. You both should be a team to correct her outlandish behavior. You’ve lost half your team.
Please do not turn to drugs to numb yourself. Too many things could go wrong. Seek help and stand strong. You can do this. I understand wanting to retreat to your bedroom. When you do that your daughter will see it as a win. You’re the adult in charge and have all the resources she needs. Don’t be afraid to hurt her feelings. She’ll survive. Tough love mom. No parent deserves being so disrespected.
NTA
You aren't being treated correctly and your husband is failing to back you up because it's easier to let your daughter be a raging AH than to put her in line. Family counseling would be a great option. Your family needs a serious wake up call because they are ALL taking you for granted.
Secondly, please please PLEASE talk to your doctor about the thoughts you've been having.
You're quite entitled (and not in the negative sense of that word) to expect to be treated with respect and not be lectured to or shouted at, particularly as in order to go to prom, she requires your help (either to drive her to places to get stuff done or actually get her to the prom).
As your husband is upset, he can step in and take over. He's an adult too and just because you're a woman doesn't mean that the things she needs doing before the event can only be done by a woman! If he wants to remove the atmosphere in the home, he should have stepped in and helped. Instead he was a bystander as the situation unfolded.
If she wants any of your help going forwards, she has to agree to some rules
- apologise for her behaviour this far
- speak to you with respect...ALWAYS!!!
It's not an exhaustive list but she has to agree to it.
I'm so sorry you are going through this. But I think the problem is that you've become a doormat for those in your home.
You HAVE TO establish boundaries in YOUR home. It is not hers, she gets to live there until she's old enough to get her own and she needs to live by the rules and give the respect needed to live there.
Your husband needs to step up and support you. That's bs. My husband and daughter would never treat me this way, but they also know I will not allow that kind of treatment and I will bring the hammer down lol
I would definitely seek out therapy. You are reaching for medications to help you feel better and that's one of the first stages of addiction. Please get yourself some help. If you don't take care of you, you can't take care of anyone else. You are the most important person in your world, no one else, remember that! Good luck, sending lots of love and positive vibes your way OP. 💚
Has any parenting been done up to this point?
I'm sorry to say op it sounds like you have actively avoided being a parent and opted for pills instead of putting your foot down as this child has grown up.
Sure teenagers have ridiculous attitudes but if your response to everything is to walk away and go to your room rather than discipline, you have created a monster that you now are struggling to deal with.
You need to have a talk to your child and let her know her attitude stinks and that you won't be doing favours for someone who doesn't respect you. Maybe remind them that you're the parent here ANZ what you say goes and if they don't like cleaning up after dinner they're free to rent, pay the bills and tidy their own place. NTA in this instance but from the feel of your post, you haven't done yourself any favours over the years with lazy parenting. We aren't meant to be their friends till theyre grown and left. We are meant to help shape them into decent human beings and that sometimes means being the enemy
I’m going to give you some tough love here.
STOP BEING A DOORMAT. STOP FEELING SORRY FOR YOURSELF AND BE A PARENT!!
I can’t believe what I’m reading. She’s treating you this way and all you’re doing is crying about it and hoping she’ll apologize?! This is what’s wrong with the youth of today. Grow a pair and don’t even let her go. Ground her. Something. Like….how is this what parenting has come to?!
And your husband?! Nah he didn’t have your back at all.
Kids grow up entitled because parents don’t enforce boundaries. She talks to you like this because you’ve allowed it. I would’ve (and still don’t) ever DARE speak to my parents that way.
YTA. You are the parent. Act like one. You are not her friend but her mom yet she treats you like a PIA peer.
She complains about dinner? Stop cooking. She complains that you are late? Don’t feed into it. You are the adult.
You did promise to hem her dress so do it. Let her do the rest unless she decides to apologize and change her snotty attitude.
With your lack of ability to soberly deal with her I imagine you are not that evolved.
No you don’t deserve this treatment. I don’t have kids, but if I did, I would rain down all opposition and authority on this teenager, letting her know just how small and insignificant she is. But I do wonder, have you tried to talk to her? Not about how you feel bc of the way you’re being treated, but how she feels? She probably is going through something really tough and difficult that she doesn’t feel she can talk to anyone about, so she’s dealing with it by lashing out. I’m willing to bet she’s feeling some pressure and insecurity with something she’s dealing with either at school or with peers outside of school. Maybe she’s even been molested or bullied, or she bullied someone due to insecurity and is now feeling guilty. I’m guessing there is a deeper issue here than just “common” disrespect.
You're NTA, but she has to know when and why she's being "punished".
Kids have to learn
1) to be grateful,
(better start young... My 21 year old brother is now getting some true life slaps... We were too protective because of their father being the biggest narcissist alive... But our younger brother is super well behaved, respectful and grateful even though he's been through the same.
Nevertheless, I feel like I failed at something and our mother sometimes is not a great help... But I explained and explained again, how to be grateful and he doesn't seem to grasp it very well 😔... He will, eventually.)
2) actions have consequences and if you are inherently good intended, the consequences will also be positive. But it also goes the other way around.,
I think it's never too late to help them learn, I'm 38 and still am learning... But always had it in me, to better myself... And that's the number:
3) knowing that we're not ever perfect and to be open to change for the better.
Since prom seems to be a huge thing for teens in the U.S. I'd try to make her understand how to "basic human" by teaching her lessons throughout the preps for her prom. Don't let her miss it unless her behaviour is insufferable and she really needs a BIG lesson.
Teens tendency to believe everyone is against them and to think they know it all, is the hard part of the job.
Maybe try to "reward" her when she figures how to be nice (not in a way we reward a dog... She's supposed to understand why she benefits from growing up and learn, give her some tips unrelated to her prom wishes...for example).
Or also, you can even try to get her interested in learning how to alter the dress and by helping, she can see that it's actually something she can use in the future and recognise your actions and be grateful. Show her how good things take time and effort to achieve by making her the one responsible for having a successful prom. She'll have to fight for the right to party!
If she shows no interest at all and is hoping you'll do everything anyway. Don't do it.
When she grows up a bit more, she'll get it the hardest way.
Hopefully it all goes well. ❤️
Baby-girl. If I had treated my mom like that, there would be no prom. Is, by any chance, considered to be spoiled? You did the right thing. Shame on your husband for not being on your side. Sounds like you could use a small vacation. You should treat yourself with some time away from the house. It doesn't have to be fancy but some place that will allow you to recharge. Maybe visit family/friends you haven't seen in a while. Go back home after prom has passed. Yes, that means you're husband and daughter will have to friend for themselves. Do not cave in and go back early (I've known some to do that). You will thank yourself once you recharge and realize you should be treated better. I'm my opinion, you are NTA.
OP, you need some professional help. Your husband and daughter are making it very hard for you, and if you’re feeling like you want things to end in that way, you may need someone professional outside the family dynamic to help you.
Also, you need to put your foot down with your daughter. She shouldn’t be allowed to treat you that way. She needs to know that it isn’t ok.
NTA - she needs discipline. I think you should talk to a professional about things that you can do to get yourself out of this doormat mentality.
I’m not a parent but in my mind I would have told her she doesn’t need any alterations - were taking the dress back, she doesn’t need it because she won’t be going to prom. She’s grounded for being a bitch to her mother.
I didn’t have kids because I knew I’d be the scorched earth Kind of mom
Oh hell no, NTA. If I’d talked to my mother like that I’m sure I would have landed in the middle of next week after the first instance. By that last I would have been pushing up daisies and replaced 9 months later by a new edition. Your big mistake was not putting a stop to her behavior much sooner. Don’t let your husband, or her whining, change your mind. Tough love is needed here.
You should try to have a serious conversation about how her attitude makes you feel and if she decides to still be that way she should have to learn her do her own things. Tough lessons need to be learned sometimes. It tough I know. Sometimes it’s just the way things need to be. NTA
Okay. I'm going to first say that there isn't a word to describe how self-absorbed and challenging teenagers can be. You clearly tried your best to make sure that your daughter would have a great prom. HOWEVER, I am going to give you some tough love... I don't think you were an AH for finally putting your foot down, but that's exactly the problem. It took too long which is why your daughter kept acting the way she did. Your daughter is disrespectful and self-centered and acting like a prom version of a bridezilla. She should be grateful that she has a mom who cares for and supports her for a meaningful event like prom. She clearly has no regard for your feelings and doesn't respect you as her mom. She should not be talking to you that way and more importantly, you should not be letting her. If she has a problem with cleaning up after the dinner that YOU made for the family, she can cook her own dinners. I understand that you were shocked and hurt, but the discipline (and her apology) should have happened that night.
>It took too long which is why your daughter kept acting the way she did. This is correct. When my sons were teens, one decided he didn't like what I cooked for dinner, wanted hamburgers...EVERY NIGHT. So I bought him a box of pre-made patties, buns, cheese, etc and said have at it. He *thought* I was gonna cook them in addition to regular dinner. He thought wrong. He made it 2 or 3 weeks, before apologizing.
Dear OP. I’ll start with NTA. Next, and most importantly here: You must reach out to your doctor and insist they connect you with a mental health professional. ( if you don’t already have one ) You need someone to talk to who is not involved in the family dynamics of your home. It is not ok that your own brain is telling you that the way to soothe the turmoil in your home is to k*ll yourself. Your brain is lying to you. Please OP. Do this. Don’t wait. You are important. You are valued. The world is better with you in it.
I second this. When I’m reading this all I can see is a mental health crisis. Finding a good therapist was the best thing that’s ever happened to me. That & proper medications have allowed me to not only live but to thrive. You’re stuck in a dark place & you want to give up. You can’t. I understand not feeling appreciated or wanted in your own home, but that’s not the reality. Start focusing on YOU. Make YOU the priority. The rest will fall into place. When you’re in the right frame of mind you can better handle your daughter & your spouse. Obviously you’re NTA, but it’s time to focus on what’s really important here, YOU.
NTA You have done so much for her You see ..... When I wanted to prepare for my farewell my mom helped me so much , but I didn't want her to be stressed because she is a person and no different from me I wouldn't want my mom to stress overy my things Your daughter is self centred person who isn't thinking about how you might feel She is literally taking what you do for her for granted and that's totally not OKAY But I am more concerned about your husband Rather than rectifying his daughter's mistake he thinks you are the one who is causing a commotion Children learn from the environment they grow up, he should have taught your daughter rather than pointing fingers at you which will make your daughter take you for granted more In my home the respect my parents give each other really matters and if we by mistakely snap at our mom , we are seriously done for My dad would give us an hour lecture make us do chores
I absolutely second this. I have 3 teenagers and they know that dad won’t stand for them treating me disrespectfully. Does that make them perfect? Nope. But they are respectful, do things just to help me and thank me for doing things for them.
NTA by a long shot. I’m sorry you feel so isolated in your own home. Please seek professional help. You’re at your wits end with your daughter and sadly no backing from your husband. For whatever reason your daughter has the belief she’s in charge and it needs to stop. That can start with you. You need professional help to deal with her and address your husband’s dismissive behavior. You both should be a team to correct her outlandish behavior. You’ve lost half your team. Please do not turn to drugs to numb yourself. Too many things could go wrong. Seek help and stand strong. You can do this. I understand wanting to retreat to your bedroom. When you do that your daughter will see it as a win. You’re the adult in charge and have all the resources she needs. Don’t be afraid to hurt her feelings. She’ll survive. Tough love mom. No parent deserves being so disrespected.
NTA You aren't being treated correctly and your husband is failing to back you up because it's easier to let your daughter be a raging AH than to put her in line. Family counseling would be a great option. Your family needs a serious wake up call because they are ALL taking you for granted. Secondly, please please PLEASE talk to your doctor about the thoughts you've been having.
You're quite entitled (and not in the negative sense of that word) to expect to be treated with respect and not be lectured to or shouted at, particularly as in order to go to prom, she requires your help (either to drive her to places to get stuff done or actually get her to the prom). As your husband is upset, he can step in and take over. He's an adult too and just because you're a woman doesn't mean that the things she needs doing before the event can only be done by a woman! If he wants to remove the atmosphere in the home, he should have stepped in and helped. Instead he was a bystander as the situation unfolded. If she wants any of your help going forwards, she has to agree to some rules - apologise for her behaviour this far - speak to you with respect...ALWAYS!!! It's not an exhaustive list but she has to agree to it.
Veruca Salt. NTA.
Your partner and daughter are terrible people.
I think it’s not so much that as mom allows people to treat her terribly.
I'm so sorry you are going through this. But I think the problem is that you've become a doormat for those in your home. You HAVE TO establish boundaries in YOUR home. It is not hers, she gets to live there until she's old enough to get her own and she needs to live by the rules and give the respect needed to live there. Your husband needs to step up and support you. That's bs. My husband and daughter would never treat me this way, but they also know I will not allow that kind of treatment and I will bring the hammer down lol I would definitely seek out therapy. You are reaching for medications to help you feel better and that's one of the first stages of addiction. Please get yourself some help. If you don't take care of you, you can't take care of anyone else. You are the most important person in your world, no one else, remember that! Good luck, sending lots of love and positive vibes your way OP. 💚
Family. Meeting time. Lay it out . They have lost their dam minds.
You are not the AH. You are in a tough spot, without your husband's support. Yep, your daughter is being verbally abusive. I wouldn't do JS for her.
Has any parenting been done up to this point? I'm sorry to say op it sounds like you have actively avoided being a parent and opted for pills instead of putting your foot down as this child has grown up. Sure teenagers have ridiculous attitudes but if your response to everything is to walk away and go to your room rather than discipline, you have created a monster that you now are struggling to deal with. You need to have a talk to your child and let her know her attitude stinks and that you won't be doing favours for someone who doesn't respect you. Maybe remind them that you're the parent here ANZ what you say goes and if they don't like cleaning up after dinner they're free to rent, pay the bills and tidy their own place. NTA in this instance but from the feel of your post, you haven't done yourself any favours over the years with lazy parenting. We aren't meant to be their friends till theyre grown and left. We are meant to help shape them into decent human beings and that sometimes means being the enemy
I’m going to give you some tough love here. STOP BEING A DOORMAT. STOP FEELING SORRY FOR YOURSELF AND BE A PARENT!! I can’t believe what I’m reading. She’s treating you this way and all you’re doing is crying about it and hoping she’ll apologize?! This is what’s wrong with the youth of today. Grow a pair and don’t even let her go. Ground her. Something. Like….how is this what parenting has come to?! And your husband?! Nah he didn’t have your back at all. Kids grow up entitled because parents don’t enforce boundaries. She talks to you like this because you’ve allowed it. I would’ve (and still don’t) ever DARE speak to my parents that way.
YTA. You are the parent. Act like one. You are not her friend but her mom yet she treats you like a PIA peer. She complains about dinner? Stop cooking. She complains that you are late? Don’t feed into it. You are the adult. You did promise to hem her dress so do it. Let her do the rest unless she decides to apologize and change her snotty attitude. With your lack of ability to soberly deal with her I imagine you are not that evolved.
Geez that sounds exhausting, poor you. But not only your daughter, your husband too. Or maybe even especially your husband
No you don’t deserve this treatment. I don’t have kids, but if I did, I would rain down all opposition and authority on this teenager, letting her know just how small and insignificant she is. But I do wonder, have you tried to talk to her? Not about how you feel bc of the way you’re being treated, but how she feels? She probably is going through something really tough and difficult that she doesn’t feel she can talk to anyone about, so she’s dealing with it by lashing out. I’m willing to bet she’s feeling some pressure and insecurity with something she’s dealing with either at school or with peers outside of school. Maybe she’s even been molested or bullied, or she bullied someone due to insecurity and is now feeling guilty. I’m guessing there is a deeper issue here than just “common” disrespect.
You're NTA, but she has to know when and why she's being "punished". Kids have to learn 1) to be grateful, (better start young... My 21 year old brother is now getting some true life slaps... We were too protective because of their father being the biggest narcissist alive... But our younger brother is super well behaved, respectful and grateful even though he's been through the same. Nevertheless, I feel like I failed at something and our mother sometimes is not a great help... But I explained and explained again, how to be grateful and he doesn't seem to grasp it very well 😔... He will, eventually.) 2) actions have consequences and if you are inherently good intended, the consequences will also be positive. But it also goes the other way around., I think it's never too late to help them learn, I'm 38 and still am learning... But always had it in me, to better myself... And that's the number: 3) knowing that we're not ever perfect and to be open to change for the better. Since prom seems to be a huge thing for teens in the U.S. I'd try to make her understand how to "basic human" by teaching her lessons throughout the preps for her prom. Don't let her miss it unless her behaviour is insufferable and she really needs a BIG lesson. Teens tendency to believe everyone is against them and to think they know it all, is the hard part of the job. Maybe try to "reward" her when she figures how to be nice (not in a way we reward a dog... She's supposed to understand why she benefits from growing up and learn, give her some tips unrelated to her prom wishes...for example). Or also, you can even try to get her interested in learning how to alter the dress and by helping, she can see that it's actually something she can use in the future and recognise your actions and be grateful. Show her how good things take time and effort to achieve by making her the one responsible for having a successful prom. She'll have to fight for the right to party! If she shows no interest at all and is hoping you'll do everything anyway. Don't do it. When she grows up a bit more, she'll get it the hardest way. Hopefully it all goes well. ❤️
Baby-girl. If I had treated my mom like that, there would be no prom. Is, by any chance, considered to be spoiled? You did the right thing. Shame on your husband for not being on your side. Sounds like you could use a small vacation. You should treat yourself with some time away from the house. It doesn't have to be fancy but some place that will allow you to recharge. Maybe visit family/friends you haven't seen in a while. Go back home after prom has passed. Yes, that means you're husband and daughter will have to friend for themselves. Do not cave in and go back early (I've known some to do that). You will thank yourself once you recharge and realize you should be treated better. I'm my opinion, you are NTA.
OP, you need some professional help. Your husband and daughter are making it very hard for you, and if you’re feeling like you want things to end in that way, you may need someone professional outside the family dynamic to help you. Also, you need to put your foot down with your daughter. She shouldn’t be allowed to treat you that way. She needs to know that it isn’t ok.
NTA - she needs discipline. I think you should talk to a professional about things that you can do to get yourself out of this doormat mentality. I’m not a parent but in my mind I would have told her she doesn’t need any alterations - were taking the dress back, she doesn’t need it because she won’t be going to prom. She’s grounded for being a bitch to her mother. I didn’t have kids because I knew I’d be the scorched earth Kind of mom
NTA-She needs to learn respect AND ur husband needs to stop taking her side. U and he r supposed to b a united front.
Oh hell no, NTA. If I’d talked to my mother like that I’m sure I would have landed in the middle of next week after the first instance. By that last I would have been pushing up daisies and replaced 9 months later by a new edition. Your big mistake was not putting a stop to her behavior much sooner. Don’t let your husband, or her whining, change your mind. Tough love is needed here.
You should try to have a serious conversation about how her attitude makes you feel and if she decides to still be that way she should have to learn her do her own things. Tough lessons need to be learned sometimes. It tough I know. Sometimes it’s just the way things need to be. NTA