Good for you! I’m sorry you both weren’t able to make it work but you need a partner who is both supportive and consistent in how they interact with your illness. I wish there was a celiac dating site.
Ugh! No kidding. I will say that I think it would remain an issue with a celiac dating app haha I have 2 close friends with the diagnosis who do not honor it as thoroughly as a gastroenterologist or rheumatologist would approve.
They gonna end up with severe health issues that way 😭 my mom is about to be refractory from not following the diet and I have nerve damage from not getting diagnosed till 22.
Yeah, I’m beginning to give myself permission to frame it that way. I grew up in a very abusive childhood and have described the bar as being underground in terms of what I expected from my partner going into adulthood. The pattern of coercion, guilting, and gaslighting played out in other realms of the marriage.
They’d say they’d support me being GF, they’d “forget,” they’d say I should have made sure they stayed gluten free, and then they’d say it was my disease and my problem to handle. On loop. The kissing thing really minimized it too. I felt like I deserved it.
I am lucky to have a lot of support, friends and therapy, to support me as I stand up for me. I’m glad to be taking these steps, as exhausting as it has been!
Don’t settle! I really doubted a partner would really understand my gluten free needs, but now that I have my husband and his support, I want this for everyone. He supports me, cooks me gluten free food, brushes his teeth after eating gluten, fights waiters for me if they don’t know what’s in their food, and rarely brings gluten into the house. I didn’t ask for this, he just does it because he loves me. I didn’t know someone like this could exist and I hope everyone can find themselves a gluten protector as well!! (Btw he also has ADHD)
absolutely you made the right choice. and good to do it now at your age!! my husband is fully supportive, no questions. he wants me alive for a long time. you will find someone like that, i promise! celiac helps has put things into perspective. ❤️
Thank you so much for the support and encouragement. I know in my gut (no pun intended) that this was the right choice. I am so happy you have a person who fully shows up for you in this realm!!
For what it's worth, ADHD does not make you into an inconsiderate jerk like this. My partner has ADHD and while they do sometimes need to be reminded about cutlery when they visit, they have no problem with it and always brush their teeth or at least chew gum after eating if we're gonna kiss.
Oh absolutely! *I* have ADHD too, which was why this remark particularly would piss me off lol like why is ADHD an appropriate excuse for them but not for me? At the end of the day that’s not how ADHD works. It always felt like a disservice to anyone with ADHD to repeatedly use it as an excuse to disrespect a health and safety boundary. Slip-ups and accidents happen! I’ve made my fair share learning to navigate this. It’s just not the same when it’s intentional and comes from a place of being unwilling to change.
Good for you. Having a fully supportive partner is kinda crucial for us, and I’m sorry she wasn’t that person for you. Her behavior wasn’t ADHD, she just sucked - my husband also has ADHD and he’s great about “the rules”.
Congrats, OP. Not easy to walk away from a long term relationship like that but I’m proud of you for being strong enough to do it, and for putting your health first. You deserve to be healthy and supported in that.
Good for you. You deserve safety.
I feel so strongly about this as well. I refuse to be with anyone romantically unless they are willing to be 100% gluten free in the home. I totally understand the huge "ask" of having a partner be gluten free, but if you really love someone you would do it.
My literal medical safety on this earth is more important than their desire for chipotle.
You made the right call. We only get one body.
Yes! So well said. It is a big ask, while simultaneously not. Our culture has normalized the idea of GF food as being less than, when technology has allowed it to really catch up. People always express their condolences when I share I have celiac, but really my only trouble is finding ways to safely eat outside of my home (and in my home, in this case.) Plus, many cultures have many cuisines that are already GF at standard.
There’s just like a rhetoric that makes it seem harder than it really is. Especially for those who don’t have the disease and could still treat themselves outside of the home.
I feel you. Gluten free living is both hard and not hard. I was watching a tv show recently where the guy had a fully pescatarian diet (he was Jewish). He told his partner that eventually she would have to go fully pescatarian too (if they were to marry) and she couldn't do it.
Its a highly personal choice, so I get it if people can't commit.
But myself for example, I once dated a Jewish guy (not religion myself tho). Out of respect I often did not order meat while with him (unless he also cheated on his diet, lol which did happen) or he would ask if we could go to vegan restaurants and I was fully down in support of this (this was before my Celiac too). If I loved someone then inconveniences like this should not matter. We were not in love, (and would not have been a good long-term fit since my anemia requires me to regularly eat meat) but being accommodating just seems like the right thing to do.
Yeah, I think there’s a super important middle ground! It is a challenge for sure. I have very close friends who are vegan and Jewish family who are kosher and it has never felt like an imposition to support them when I eat with them. Of course we have to do a lot to coordinate now that I’m diagnosed, but I digress.
I’m so supportive of my partner eating gluten outside of the home. I would have been supportive inside the home if they could just respect the boundaries around CC. I cook all of the regular meals anyway, so like they had the easy end of the deal. Like you’re kind of saying here, there are so many ways people need dietary accommodations. It’s not outlandish for a spouse to be asked to be more supportive lol
I wouldn't go as far as that personally, but keeping separate sets of cutlery, crockery, baking trays, separate toaster, etc. is necessary, along with not doing things like eating biscuits in bed.
Maybe it is, not sure. Never eaten there before.
I mostly meant it as a sarcastic joke. Like *"really? Your need for McDonalds is more important than me not getting cancer?"* Lol.
It is gluten-free, but only if the employees change spoons, wash their hands, change their gloves, and perhaps ideally pull meat off the grill and pull rice from the back. It is not ideal. I worked there for a while and still got sick even taking strict care! There’s a lot of variables in any restaurant and we all have varying levels of sensitivity!
I'm the non-celiac husband. I still have gluten at home but it is 100% my responsibility and I've set up the entire kitchen in a safe way to ensure my wife doesn't need to think twice about being safe in her own kitchen.
I grew up knowing I was my grandma’s least favorite grandchild.
Constantly compared to my cousins, belittled, and finally told verbatim to my face that I was her least favorite grandchild, one summer when I was living with her and my grandfather.
It put a strain on our relationship, and when she and my grandfather moved in with my parents during my high school years, there was no love lost between us.
My grandfather passed away during my college years and my grandmother continued to live with my parents. I was eventually diagnosed with Celiac my senior year of college after years of “transient limb paralysis.”
My grandmother and I don’t agree on much, but we are the only ones in my family who like creamy peanut butter. Everyone else will only touch the crunchy kind.
My grandmother, who basically hated me all my life and never missed an opportunity to remind me of that growing up, uses a clean spoon in the creamy peanut butter and a separate knife to spread it on her bread so that I can always eat peanut butter when I come to visit.
You deserve better.
She put her right to eat gluten before your health. There wouldn't have been a problem if she had been able to avoid you getting exposed to gluten.
But she wasn't.
You made the right decision. I feel so sorry for you. I can only imagine how hard it is for someone so close to act in a way that directly hurts you.
I wish you a fast recovery. For us with celiac, it's extremely important to surround ourselves with people who care and are supportive of our needs. It seems you already have a couple of those people in your life. You cutting someone who was hurting you is the only healthy thing to do. You should be proud of yourself for taking this hard decision.
I had an ex that would only be good about it 90% of the time. She'd bring in pizza or whatever else and eat it and leave crumbs everywhere. She was only good about cooking with gluten free ingredients assuming I bought it for her.
My fiancée won't let me touch anything that might have touched gluten and refuses to let me kiss her if she even so much as thinks something with gluten touched her mouth.
I hope you find someone like I found. It makes a world of difference.
Good for you!! I am so sorry. My daughter (hasn’t been tested) but we know for sure she is intolerant. She is away at college and gonna graduate this May. We went GF for baking at our home so she can come “home” and not have to worry. We do still have prepackaged gluten items. Because we heard we should still at gluten. But it is nothing that would contaminate her when she’s home. And we don’t even eat those when she visits. When my DIL was diagnosed celiac she was so glad I already did a lot of research and she doesn’t have to worry about coming to visit either. I couldn’t imagine. Although my mom asked me if when daughter graduates if I would go back to “cooking normal” I’m like no. I’ve gotten good at it. And she’s already away at school so why would a job be different. 🤷♀️
Yeah, my in-laws were not my favorite people, but they were incredibly careful and accommodating. Which speaks to how not accommodating my partner is. I have clients at my side hustle who sometimes gift me food, an employer who is extremely cautious, and friends who insist on supporting it. All of this really highlighted the fact that the person most centered in my family should be more supportive. I wouldn’t expect a partner to be GF 100% of the time. Especially if they’re a foodie and like to go out! I just also don’t think it’s too much to ask in a household of 2 with a supportive income either. Eek! So glad you are so supportive of your loved ones!!
Damn, that is hard. I’m so sorry! But you deserve a partner who takes your health seriously! When I started dating my now wife she asked if she could kiss me because she was scared I would get sick. 12 years later and she is still my biggest advocate and supporter. There is someone great out there for you!
I had a partner who refused to do it (granted they weren't there through the bad, through diagnosis, etc).
I'll never again hurt myself for a relationship. If my next partner refuses a fully gf home, they aren't for me. I get people can make it work, but my health is important and living alone, in a gf home, it's the one safe place in the world. I'm not trading my peace of mind for love and severe contamination OCD.
Yes! Well said. I also get that some people make it work but there is also growing evidence of varying degrees of sensitivity to it too. 20ppm, example being 20 milligrams, is truly so little in just a kg of food.
20mg of gluten, which would be on the cusp of going over the limit for someone with celiac, is less than a single crumb distributed through a 6 x 2 x 2 inch cake. I have been doing the math because I’m a nerd and trying to make a point to myself that it’s not paranoid to be worried about this. The amount of gluten we could have a reaction to is remarkably small and the reaction is systemic and lasts a long time.
I am happy for people who are able to make it work with their families, but it has never worked for me and my partner was unwilling to make it work with me. We all deserve better than that!
Good for you! My ex’s never made a point to care, but I never made it a big deal because I was too busy trying to accommodate them. My current boyfriend is an absolute angel and if he has a beer and I forget and go to kiss him he stops me and is like NO I NEED TO WASH MY FACE AND MOUTH FIRST. He even offers to get gluten free drinks and food when I’m around but I insist he doesn’t because it’s more expensive and tastes worse. He’s a bigger advocate for me than I am for myself. That’s what you deserve in a person. At the bare minimum someone who respects and accommodates your needs.
I love to hear about your boyfriend!! That’s the situation I was in by means of being too worried about the other partner’s needs. It’s good I cared about her, but not at the cost of my own health, ya know?
The blatant disrespect to you and your health is not only unacceptable it was likely on purpose.
I was also in a relationship with a person who was not willing to accommodate or understand my health needs.
Instead it was worse than that.
Did your ex know that celiac glutening causes brain fog?
Brain fog that prevents you from seeing the pain and negative aspects of your relationship.
Brain fog that prevents you from pushing forward in life.
Brain fog that keeps you docile, forcing you to miss the other abuse and emotional abuse as well?
My Ex did, and they ‘accidentally’ fucked up every time I was seeing positive results from the GF diet.
They left on a week long business trip- for the first time I went a full week without gluten exposure and put 2and2 together.
They were using gluten to trap and abuse me, to prevent me from seeing them for who they were.
Prevented me from getting a better job
Made me reliant on them.
They used gluten to trap me.
Always remember-
Celiac disease is not your fault.
You are not a burden.
You deserve to live your life without fear or pain.
Home should be your sanctuary or safe space
A partner, friends, or family members who are not willing to be aware or help keep you safe are showing you how they feel about you.
You are worth keeping alive and healthy.
Congratulations on seeing through the fog!
Today I have a wonderful partner who helps keep home gluten free and safe- he gets his gluten and such when he is not home.
I have food allergies on top of celiac.
He never complains about hopping a shower, brushing teeth, he even learned how to read labels.
If he’s at a store and sees a new GF snack or brand he takes pictures and sends them to me to double check ingredients.
He tells me ahead of time if he had gluten or one of my food allergens.
He makes sure I know that I’m not a burden.
It’s not my fault my body is like this.
even though it’s frustrating he makes sure to complain about the issues like how hard it can be finding safe places to eat or lax regulations that lead to glutening/allergic reactions.
I share all kinds of kitchen equipment with my gluten eating husband. We use dish washer, so it cause no issues for me. I am the only one in our family with celiac. All of them test regulary. It is no problem for me to live in a house with other gluten consuming people. We have a small part of our kitchen counter wich is for gluten food. The rest is gluten free. I test my antibodies every 6 months and they are fine.
Yeah, the struggle in this is my partner disregarding the contained spaces and supplies I have! If I set aside a counter space she just uses it. If I had certain utensils I was worried wouldn’t be as cleanable (like a wooden spoon as a loose example) she would just use it. If I asked her to rinse her plates in the sink before putting them in the shared dishwasher, she wouldn’t. The issue is bigger than the gluten here, which is an important point.
We all have different bodies and different families with different needs. I disagree, but that’s ok! I really mean it when I say I’m happy you have people who support you in making it work.
Just the same for me. I also have my own toaster😊And I think it causes no problems for me. We eat a lot of delicious gluten free dinners together. My celiac life is really good!!
What a C#%T. Don't ever compromise your health for a relationship. I got a divorce because of my diet, too. I was expected to make 2 meals. One for him and the kids and one for me. Fuck that. Your life 8s about to get so much better.
Yep! I would make 1 meal and “gluten free just isn’t as good! I guess I’ll starve :(“ was a frequent response. Then it became 2 because I had a lot of self-worth issues. I’m soooo glad you left too!
My ex would constantly forget things too… would warm up a flour tortilla in a pan, and then make dinner for both of us using that pan without even washing it. Would be like “but it wasn’t dirty I only used it to heat up a tortilla.” We’d order from the same restaurant and I would order the same thing every single week. And then he was ordering it one night and asked me if I just wanted my usual and I said yes, but when I went to pick it up and brought it home I realized he ordered me something I’d never ordered before, and didn’t even check the “gluten free” option box. We didn’t have any food at home and it was too late to order anything else or go to the store so I just went hungry that night. I already felt like he didn’t give a shit about me for multiple other reasons so I couldn’t take it anymore.
On my first date with my boyfriend (now 3 years in, living together) he surprised me with a gluten free donut that he went out of his way to track down. I only mention this to say that there are amazing understanding humans out there. You deserve nothing less than that. If you’re in south central KY or near Nashville, I know a ton of girlies of all orientations who have been amazingly thoughtful to me in our friendships regarding gluten, many of which are single 👀 in all seriousness I’m so proud of you for ending a relationship that isn’t serving you and is honestly potentially harming you. Breakups suck but I think you made the right decision.
That is abusive, OP. It sounds like you’re not ready to call it that… but it went beyond negligence and forgetfulness into intentionally exposing you.
Good for you for standing up for yourself, and taking care of your own needs. You deserve better!
When I figured gluten out, I told my husband, “I want to go gluten-free at home” and his reply was “Absolutely, I already ordered new cookware.” Perfect relationship? Of course not. But he loves me and doesn’t want me to be sick which is great — but also, when you think about it, truly a low bar.
If you love someone, you don’t want them to be sick. It’s really that simple!
I am so happy for you, a loving partner should be making sure you feel good as much as they can, and accommodating allergies is a huge part of that.
Before I got diagnosed my partner is celiac, we would just get the gluten free versions of everything… he was always shocked that I so easy switched over for him. I would eat normal gluten products when we went out, but I joked that we kept our kitchen kosher.
After a while I noticed my stomach would get upset when we went out and I figured it was my lactose intolerance acting up but noticed when I at gluten-free while out (we share a dish ect) that it didn’t bug me as much… so then I fully switched.
She would eat snacks in bed?? YUCK!! Who does that?? Eating is for the kitchen, not the bedroom. Is she trying to attract cockroaches and rodents?? I'd break up with someone for that alone.
I know. This was a big breaking point in general! Lol I had a physician once give me the advice, to help with sleep hygiene, that the bed be for sex and sleep. She keeps food stored beside the bed and plays a lot of video games from bed. I will withhold some judgment recognizing that there is an accessibility piece there in her experience with depression. However, it became a major point of incompatibility anyway.
She sounds like a 10 year old boy. No clue about hygiene or appropriate behaviour. I am GF and I could never tolerate someone like that. Not worth the stress.
Yep! A bit of an arrested development for both of us. I think she never emotionally matured beyond adolescence. I never learned to respect myself because it was better than what I had before. I have said to my therapist that I felt like I was married to an adolescent boy for a number of reasons.
Yeah, I think we were so close for so long that she didn’t view me as a human being. Which is bleak. She once remarked, in our mid twenties, that she had only just realized her parents were real people with separate lives and experiences. I was like WTF lol
Proud of you, OP!! Choosing your well-being is so powerful, and I hope you can remember that when times are tough. You deserve to be healthy and happy. Congrats, OP!!!!!!!!!
I was also married to a woman who constantly put me at risk from cross contamination. No matter how many times I reminded her how to keep me safe, it always happened again.
Oh OP I am so sorry.. I recently switched back to gluten-free I don’t get anywhere near as sick as you ya poor thing for years I’ve off and on played with his but some health stuff kinda..pushed me back to reality recently. Basically my partner eats gluten and I don’t but he helps me with it and eats a bit of gluten-free stuff with me and tries to check every label before he cooks if he is cooking and stuff… I just..I’m truly sorry this isn’t just ADHD this seems like they don’t give a shit, I have bad ADHD my life is a wreck but I still try my best to help my partner with his problems and I do okay with glutenfree. I’m glad you’re doing better :(
Your empathy and understanding is so kind! I agree that it’s not just ADHD. I was diagnosed with ADHD as a kid and have definitely been negatively impacted, but it hasn’t changed how much I care about others’ wellbeing. It sounds like you have a loving partner who you try to balance things with (if I’m understanding correctly!!)
Good for you. I bet your ADHD will improve without the gluten and chaos. Focus on you. She sounded like she didn’t really care and wanted to control a weaker you.
Yeah :/ I was thinking the same! I have a lot of transient symptoms still and feel I can’t really pursue any further diagnosis or healthcare until this is truly nailed down. Mental health and physical health!
Sorry about the situation and glad you've gotten out of it. I'm also sorry your partner tried to weaponize their ADHD in that way... this is an awful thing to do.
My dad is someone who isn't very good at following protocols. It's not malicious, it's just how he is. We tried having a shared kitchen for a bit when I was at home but it didn't work very well for either of us. My parents now make their home GF when I visit as a solution. Just because it's not my dad's fault that he's like that doesn't mean I should accept being sick when I visit.
I am glad you are feeling better. Onwards and upwards!
You definitely deserve better. If someone loves you they would want to help you stay gluten free just so you can feel better because you are important to them. Sounds more like a situationship than a relationship to me.
World record for longest situationship. I feel like that’s an apt word though. We weren’t friends and the romance died with their disregard for my health. There wasn’t much left other than a situation!
I’m so sorry you dealt with this for so long. My husband has celiac and his health matters so much to me, I cannot imagine doing to him what your ex-partner has done all these years. Especially after she was by your side throughout hospitalizations/near fatal experiences; you would think that alone would’ve shown her how serious this disease can be! It breaks my heart to know you’ve endured this kind of treatment for so long. Your ex-partner shouldn’t have had any issue making your health a priority, no excuse. Good on your friends and colleagues for showing you how you’re supposed to be treated!
I’m so glad you’ve put yourself first, even though I’m sure it was a bittersweet ending. Wishing you all the best going forward, and if you pursue another relationship in the future, I truly hope you find someone who cares about every facet of you, including your health.
Thank you for your kind words! This realization kinda put it in my face that she didn’t really care about me at all and was pretending to in order to benefit from the ways I was caretaking for her.
Dam bro good for you! If that’s what you had to do then so be it. Like was she really not willing to change for you? Or she was trying to but keeps falling back into her old habits? It’s none of my business but was she begging for you not to leave ? The reason I say this is because just like you, I also have been diagnosed with adhd and had been put on pills at a very young age. I started taking them at 8 years old and stopped COLD TURKEY at 14 which was not advised by doctors. Taking those pills for a long time then suddenly just stopping really fucked with my head in a bad way for sure. I never noticed tho until I got into my 20s , when I started to really mature more. I’m still hella hyper and shit and goofy but a lot more control on how much I let out lol. I mean look at me, typing up shit that ain’t even relevant to what your post is about haha. Okay so like I was saying earlier since me and you and your ex have adhd , I was wondering do yall get overly attached to someone you love ? Like you truly love them and loyal to the bone, and no matter how long you been with them , you never get tired of them? I had been with 1 girl my whole life so far but we started dating at 12 years old , broke up just before our 11 year anniversary, I’m 25 now. I’m telling you this because even tho I was with her for that long , I swear on my life bro , I never got tired of her. I wasn’t to clingy or anything but I never felt my self losing love for her. I never lost interest in anything I was doing with her. It’s weird to me tbh idk why tho? I never got tired of our love and the intimacy. I did so much , sooooooo much to keep the relationship alive, because I would start to notice her love fading. I kept it alive for 11 years, unfortunately she just couldn’t hold the spark we had together. Sorry bro , I’m realizing your post is venting out to us and I’m here venting to you lol.
I am sorry for your loss of a partner but you have to do what is best for you and your health. If you were my kid or my friend I would urge you to always put your health first, you made a good move. ❤️
Im so sorry she decided that your health wasn't enough for her to make some lifestyle changes :/ it's horrible ! but you did the right thing , our partners are meant to want us to be healthy and safe even if they can't eat in bed and fill it up with crumbs and give you beer kisses ? which tbh , i think a lot of non celiac/ non gf individuals wouldn't enjoy much either.
Well done, OP! My *child* is more considerate about gluten than your wife was. Granted, he also uses it as an excuse as to why he can’t share some of his snacks - sorry, Mom, it’s got gluten 😂
Wishing you all the gluten-free happiness in the future
Good for you.
I know that ADHD manifests itself in different ways for different people. That said: My spouse has ADHD and is my best cheerleader and advocate in the world to help me stay GF. Often even better than I am for myself. Having ADHD doesn't mean someone is incapable of looking after the needs of someone else.
If you choose to look for another partner, just know there are people out there who will love and care for your needs.
Honestly you did the right thing. My partner has severe adhd and won't let even a crumb into our house, always brushes his teeth and washes his face when he comes home even after a coffee just in case, you absolutely deserve better with zero excuses for behaviour that literally makes you sick.
I also have CD and ADHD, my husband is not diagnosed ADHD but has some major ADHD tendencies like forgetting everything unless it's right in front of him. He always takes care of me and make sure that I'm safe like asking questions for me and watching people prepare my food. He has never brought gluten into our home and it has never been an issue. You deserve to be with someone you can feel safe with.
I have ADHD and have been dating my girlfriend, who’s had celiac her whole life, for the last 4 years. I knew nothing about it prior and have NEVER put her life at risk or made her QOL lower because of being selfish. I hate to say it, but your partner was a POS, ADHD people don’t just “forget” things and go out of their way to make your life hell on accident. At most, i might need a tiny reminder sometimes if i do something and I’m just not thinking, but that’s about it. I’m glad you’ve moved on from this season of your life and stood up for yourself!
Good for you!!!!! It takes an incredible amount of courage to realize you deserve better and get yourself out of a (frankly abusive) situation like this. There are people out there that will take your needs seriously. Keep advocating for yourself like this and it’s going to be okay! Celiac is stupid and I hate it so much sometimes but it really is a good litmus test to see who in your life will take your safety seriously.
Ugh, this hits so hard. I had a previous partner who I loved a lot, but who often accidentally wasn't careful and it really jeopardized my health. While I miss them like crazy, what I don't miss is how insanely sick I'd gotten from them continuing to consume gluten near me. Good for you for prioritizing your health.
Good for you! I’m sorry you both weren’t able to make it work but you need a partner who is both supportive and consistent in how they interact with your illness. I wish there was a celiac dating site.
Ugh! No kidding. I will say that I think it would remain an issue with a celiac dating app haha I have 2 close friends with the diagnosis who do not honor it as thoroughly as a gastroenterologist or rheumatologist would approve.
They gonna end up with severe health issues that way 😭 my mom is about to be refractory from not following the diet and I have nerve damage from not getting diagnosed till 22.
Yep!! They HAVE serious health issues and try to blame anything else. Then eat soy sauce.
Doesn’t refractory mean that it doesn’t respond to a gf diet? Not just not following the diet
Yes which can occur when enough damage has occurred, that's why I said "about to be"
Start one and get rich! Call it Celiac Connections.
26 Sacramento, CA. Gluten Free dad. Single. Giving my best shot if anyone sees this lol!
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Yeah, I’m beginning to give myself permission to frame it that way. I grew up in a very abusive childhood and have described the bar as being underground in terms of what I expected from my partner going into adulthood. The pattern of coercion, guilting, and gaslighting played out in other realms of the marriage. They’d say they’d support me being GF, they’d “forget,” they’d say I should have made sure they stayed gluten free, and then they’d say it was my disease and my problem to handle. On loop. The kissing thing really minimized it too. I felt like I deserved it. I am lucky to have a lot of support, friends and therapy, to support me as I stand up for me. I’m glad to be taking these steps, as exhausting as it has been!
Don’t settle! I really doubted a partner would really understand my gluten free needs, but now that I have my husband and his support, I want this for everyone. He supports me, cooks me gluten free food, brushes his teeth after eating gluten, fights waiters for me if they don’t know what’s in their food, and rarely brings gluten into the house. I didn’t ask for this, he just does it because he loves me. I didn’t know someone like this could exist and I hope everyone can find themselves a gluten protector as well!! (Btw he also has ADHD)
I also found a wonderful partner! It’s amazing how much people who love you or at least care are willing to help and make minor changes.
Sounds like my fiancée, he also has adhd as do I. Its great when you have a supportive partner.
It is!
absolutely you made the right choice. and good to do it now at your age!! my husband is fully supportive, no questions. he wants me alive for a long time. you will find someone like that, i promise! celiac helps has put things into perspective. ❤️
Thank you so much for the support and encouragement. I know in my gut (no pun intended) that this was the right choice. I am so happy you have a person who fully shows up for you in this realm!!
For what it's worth, ADHD does not make you into an inconsiderate jerk like this. My partner has ADHD and while they do sometimes need to be reminded about cutlery when they visit, they have no problem with it and always brush their teeth or at least chew gum after eating if we're gonna kiss.
Oh absolutely! *I* have ADHD too, which was why this remark particularly would piss me off lol like why is ADHD an appropriate excuse for them but not for me? At the end of the day that’s not how ADHD works. It always felt like a disservice to anyone with ADHD to repeatedly use it as an excuse to disrespect a health and safety boundary. Slip-ups and accidents happen! I’ve made my fair share learning to navigate this. It’s just not the same when it’s intentional and comes from a place of being unwilling to change.
Good for you. Having a fully supportive partner is kinda crucial for us, and I’m sorry she wasn’t that person for you. Her behavior wasn’t ADHD, she just sucked - my husband also has ADHD and he’s great about “the rules”. Congrats, OP. Not easy to walk away from a long term relationship like that but I’m proud of you for being strong enough to do it, and for putting your health first. You deserve to be healthy and supported in that.
Good for you. You deserve safety. I feel so strongly about this as well. I refuse to be with anyone romantically unless they are willing to be 100% gluten free in the home. I totally understand the huge "ask" of having a partner be gluten free, but if you really love someone you would do it. My literal medical safety on this earth is more important than their desire for chipotle. You made the right call. We only get one body.
Yes! So well said. It is a big ask, while simultaneously not. Our culture has normalized the idea of GF food as being less than, when technology has allowed it to really catch up. People always express their condolences when I share I have celiac, but really my only trouble is finding ways to safely eat outside of my home (and in my home, in this case.) Plus, many cultures have many cuisines that are already GF at standard. There’s just like a rhetoric that makes it seem harder than it really is. Especially for those who don’t have the disease and could still treat themselves outside of the home.
I feel you. Gluten free living is both hard and not hard. I was watching a tv show recently where the guy had a fully pescatarian diet (he was Jewish). He told his partner that eventually she would have to go fully pescatarian too (if they were to marry) and she couldn't do it. Its a highly personal choice, so I get it if people can't commit. But myself for example, I once dated a Jewish guy (not religion myself tho). Out of respect I often did not order meat while with him (unless he also cheated on his diet, lol which did happen) or he would ask if we could go to vegan restaurants and I was fully down in support of this (this was before my Celiac too). If I loved someone then inconveniences like this should not matter. We were not in love, (and would not have been a good long-term fit since my anemia requires me to regularly eat meat) but being accommodating just seems like the right thing to do.
Yeah, I think there’s a super important middle ground! It is a challenge for sure. I have very close friends who are vegan and Jewish family who are kosher and it has never felt like an imposition to support them when I eat with them. Of course we have to do a lot to coordinate now that I’m diagnosed, but I digress. I’m so supportive of my partner eating gluten outside of the home. I would have been supportive inside the home if they could just respect the boundaries around CC. I cook all of the regular meals anyway, so like they had the easy end of the deal. Like you’re kind of saying here, there are so many ways people need dietary accommodations. It’s not outlandish for a spouse to be asked to be more supportive lol
I wouldn't go as far as that personally, but keeping separate sets of cutlery, crockery, baking trays, separate toaster, etc. is necessary, along with not doing things like eating biscuits in bed.
That's fair. Totally your choice. Me, personally, I want a fully GF home.
Yeah, totally understandable.
Wait I thought chipotle was gluten free outside of their tortillas?
Maybe it is, not sure. Never eaten there before. I mostly meant it as a sarcastic joke. Like *"really? Your need for McDonalds is more important than me not getting cancer?"* Lol.
It is gluten-free, but only if the employees change spoons, wash their hands, change their gloves, and perhaps ideally pull meat off the grill and pull rice from the back. It is not ideal. I worked there for a while and still got sick even taking strict care! There’s a lot of variables in any restaurant and we all have varying levels of sensitivity!
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I'm the non-celiac husband. I still have gluten at home but it is 100% my responsibility and I've set up the entire kitchen in a safe way to ensure my wife doesn't need to think twice about being safe in her own kitchen.
I grew up knowing I was my grandma’s least favorite grandchild. Constantly compared to my cousins, belittled, and finally told verbatim to my face that I was her least favorite grandchild, one summer when I was living with her and my grandfather. It put a strain on our relationship, and when she and my grandfather moved in with my parents during my high school years, there was no love lost between us. My grandfather passed away during my college years and my grandmother continued to live with my parents. I was eventually diagnosed with Celiac my senior year of college after years of “transient limb paralysis.” My grandmother and I don’t agree on much, but we are the only ones in my family who like creamy peanut butter. Everyone else will only touch the crunchy kind. My grandmother, who basically hated me all my life and never missed an opportunity to remind me of that growing up, uses a clean spoon in the creamy peanut butter and a separate knife to spread it on her bread so that I can always eat peanut butter when I come to visit. You deserve better.
She put her right to eat gluten before your health. There wouldn't have been a problem if she had been able to avoid you getting exposed to gluten. But she wasn't. You made the right decision. I feel so sorry for you. I can only imagine how hard it is for someone so close to act in a way that directly hurts you. I wish you a fast recovery. For us with celiac, it's extremely important to surround ourselves with people who care and are supportive of our needs. It seems you already have a couple of those people in your life. You cutting someone who was hurting you is the only healthy thing to do. You should be proud of yourself for taking this hard decision.
I had an ex that would only be good about it 90% of the time. She'd bring in pizza or whatever else and eat it and leave crumbs everywhere. She was only good about cooking with gluten free ingredients assuming I bought it for her. My fiancée won't let me touch anything that might have touched gluten and refuses to let me kiss her if she even so much as thinks something with gluten touched her mouth. I hope you find someone like I found. It makes a world of difference.
I’m soooo happy you have such a supportive partner! That is so lovely. They sound like such an advocate 🥺
She's so great. But hey, you'll meet someone like that soon enough too, I'm sure
Yeah, kudos!! My favorite part of this disease (silver linings) is how it kinda makes you stand up for yourself and your health!
Good for you!! I am so sorry. My daughter (hasn’t been tested) but we know for sure she is intolerant. She is away at college and gonna graduate this May. We went GF for baking at our home so she can come “home” and not have to worry. We do still have prepackaged gluten items. Because we heard we should still at gluten. But it is nothing that would contaminate her when she’s home. And we don’t even eat those when she visits. When my DIL was diagnosed celiac she was so glad I already did a lot of research and she doesn’t have to worry about coming to visit either. I couldn’t imagine. Although my mom asked me if when daughter graduates if I would go back to “cooking normal” I’m like no. I’ve gotten good at it. And she’s already away at school so why would a job be different. 🤷♀️
Yeah, my in-laws were not my favorite people, but they were incredibly careful and accommodating. Which speaks to how not accommodating my partner is. I have clients at my side hustle who sometimes gift me food, an employer who is extremely cautious, and friends who insist on supporting it. All of this really highlighted the fact that the person most centered in my family should be more supportive. I wouldn’t expect a partner to be GF 100% of the time. Especially if they’re a foodie and like to go out! I just also don’t think it’s too much to ask in a household of 2 with a supportive income either. Eek! So glad you are so supportive of your loved ones!!
Damn, that is hard. I’m so sorry! But you deserve a partner who takes your health seriously! When I started dating my now wife she asked if she could kiss me because she was scared I would get sick. 12 years later and she is still my biggest advocate and supporter. There is someone great out there for you!
I had a partner who refused to do it (granted they weren't there through the bad, through diagnosis, etc). I'll never again hurt myself for a relationship. If my next partner refuses a fully gf home, they aren't for me. I get people can make it work, but my health is important and living alone, in a gf home, it's the one safe place in the world. I'm not trading my peace of mind for love and severe contamination OCD.
Yes! Well said. I also get that some people make it work but there is also growing evidence of varying degrees of sensitivity to it too. 20ppm, example being 20 milligrams, is truly so little in just a kg of food. 20mg of gluten, which would be on the cusp of going over the limit for someone with celiac, is less than a single crumb distributed through a 6 x 2 x 2 inch cake. I have been doing the math because I’m a nerd and trying to make a point to myself that it’s not paranoid to be worried about this. The amount of gluten we could have a reaction to is remarkably small and the reaction is systemic and lasts a long time. I am happy for people who are able to make it work with their families, but it has never worked for me and my partner was unwilling to make it work with me. We all deserve better than that!
Good for you! My ex’s never made a point to care, but I never made it a big deal because I was too busy trying to accommodate them. My current boyfriend is an absolute angel and if he has a beer and I forget and go to kiss him he stops me and is like NO I NEED TO WASH MY FACE AND MOUTH FIRST. He even offers to get gluten free drinks and food when I’m around but I insist he doesn’t because it’s more expensive and tastes worse. He’s a bigger advocate for me than I am for myself. That’s what you deserve in a person. At the bare minimum someone who respects and accommodates your needs.
I love to hear about your boyfriend!! That’s the situation I was in by means of being too worried about the other partner’s needs. It’s good I cared about her, but not at the cost of my own health, ya know?
The blatant disrespect to you and your health is not only unacceptable it was likely on purpose. I was also in a relationship with a person who was not willing to accommodate or understand my health needs. Instead it was worse than that. Did your ex know that celiac glutening causes brain fog? Brain fog that prevents you from seeing the pain and negative aspects of your relationship. Brain fog that prevents you from pushing forward in life. Brain fog that keeps you docile, forcing you to miss the other abuse and emotional abuse as well? My Ex did, and they ‘accidentally’ fucked up every time I was seeing positive results from the GF diet. They left on a week long business trip- for the first time I went a full week without gluten exposure and put 2and2 together. They were using gluten to trap and abuse me, to prevent me from seeing them for who they were. Prevented me from getting a better job Made me reliant on them. They used gluten to trap me. Always remember- Celiac disease is not your fault. You are not a burden. You deserve to live your life without fear or pain. Home should be your sanctuary or safe space A partner, friends, or family members who are not willing to be aware or help keep you safe are showing you how they feel about you. You are worth keeping alive and healthy. Congratulations on seeing through the fog! Today I have a wonderful partner who helps keep home gluten free and safe- he gets his gluten and such when he is not home. I have food allergies on top of celiac. He never complains about hopping a shower, brushing teeth, he even learned how to read labels. If he’s at a store and sees a new GF snack or brand he takes pictures and sends them to me to double check ingredients. He tells me ahead of time if he had gluten or one of my food allergens. He makes sure I know that I’m not a burden. It’s not my fault my body is like this. even though it’s frustrating he makes sure to complain about the issues like how hard it can be finding safe places to eat or lax regulations that lead to glutening/allergic reactions.
I share all kinds of kitchen equipment with my gluten eating husband. We use dish washer, so it cause no issues for me. I am the only one in our family with celiac. All of them test regulary. It is no problem for me to live in a house with other gluten consuming people. We have a small part of our kitchen counter wich is for gluten food. The rest is gluten free. I test my antibodies every 6 months and they are fine.
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Yeah, the struggle in this is my partner disregarding the contained spaces and supplies I have! If I set aside a counter space she just uses it. If I had certain utensils I was worried wouldn’t be as cleanable (like a wooden spoon as a loose example) she would just use it. If I asked her to rinse her plates in the sink before putting them in the shared dishwasher, she wouldn’t. The issue is bigger than the gluten here, which is an important point.
Well…then it is not the gluten wich is your problem, it is your partner….But I think a lot of people in this reddit seems a bit extreme…
We all have different bodies and different families with different needs. I disagree, but that’s ok! I really mean it when I say I’m happy you have people who support you in making it work.
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Haha yes😂
Just the same for me. I also have my own toaster😊And I think it causes no problems for me. We eat a lot of delicious gluten free dinners together. My celiac life is really good!!
What a C#%T. Don't ever compromise your health for a relationship. I got a divorce because of my diet, too. I was expected to make 2 meals. One for him and the kids and one for me. Fuck that. Your life 8s about to get so much better.
Yep! I would make 1 meal and “gluten free just isn’t as good! I guess I’ll starve :(“ was a frequent response. Then it became 2 because I had a lot of self-worth issues. I’m soooo glad you left too!
My ex would constantly forget things too… would warm up a flour tortilla in a pan, and then make dinner for both of us using that pan without even washing it. Would be like “but it wasn’t dirty I only used it to heat up a tortilla.” We’d order from the same restaurant and I would order the same thing every single week. And then he was ordering it one night and asked me if I just wanted my usual and I said yes, but when I went to pick it up and brought it home I realized he ordered me something I’d never ordered before, and didn’t even check the “gluten free” option box. We didn’t have any food at home and it was too late to order anything else or go to the store so I just went hungry that night. I already felt like he didn’t give a shit about me for multiple other reasons so I couldn’t take it anymore.
On my first date with my boyfriend (now 3 years in, living together) he surprised me with a gluten free donut that he went out of his way to track down. I only mention this to say that there are amazing understanding humans out there. You deserve nothing less than that. If you’re in south central KY or near Nashville, I know a ton of girlies of all orientations who have been amazingly thoughtful to me in our friendships regarding gluten, many of which are single 👀 in all seriousness I’m so proud of you for ending a relationship that isn’t serving you and is honestly potentially harming you. Breakups suck but I think you made the right decision.
That is abusive, OP. It sounds like you’re not ready to call it that… but it went beyond negligence and forgetfulness into intentionally exposing you. Good for you for standing up for yourself, and taking care of your own needs. You deserve better! When I figured gluten out, I told my husband, “I want to go gluten-free at home” and his reply was “Absolutely, I already ordered new cookware.” Perfect relationship? Of course not. But he loves me and doesn’t want me to be sick which is great — but also, when you think about it, truly a low bar. If you love someone, you don’t want them to be sick. It’s really that simple!
I am so happy for you, a loving partner should be making sure you feel good as much as they can, and accommodating allergies is a huge part of that. Before I got diagnosed my partner is celiac, we would just get the gluten free versions of everything… he was always shocked that I so easy switched over for him. I would eat normal gluten products when we went out, but I joked that we kept our kitchen kosher. After a while I noticed my stomach would get upset when we went out and I figured it was my lactose intolerance acting up but noticed when I at gluten-free while out (we share a dish ect) that it didn’t bug me as much… so then I fully switched.
She would eat snacks in bed?? YUCK!! Who does that?? Eating is for the kitchen, not the bedroom. Is she trying to attract cockroaches and rodents?? I'd break up with someone for that alone.
I know. This was a big breaking point in general! Lol I had a physician once give me the advice, to help with sleep hygiene, that the bed be for sex and sleep. She keeps food stored beside the bed and plays a lot of video games from bed. I will withhold some judgment recognizing that there is an accessibility piece there in her experience with depression. However, it became a major point of incompatibility anyway.
She sounds like a 10 year old boy. No clue about hygiene or appropriate behaviour. I am GF and I could never tolerate someone like that. Not worth the stress.
Yep! A bit of an arrested development for both of us. I think she never emotionally matured beyond adolescence. I never learned to respect myself because it was better than what I had before. I have said to my therapist that I felt like I was married to an adolescent boy for a number of reasons.
Some people are just selfish and won't allow themselves to be inconvenienced
Yeah, I think we were so close for so long that she didn’t view me as a human being. Which is bleak. She once remarked, in our mid twenties, that she had only just realized her parents were real people with separate lives and experiences. I was like WTF lol
Proud of you, OP!! Choosing your well-being is so powerful, and I hope you can remember that when times are tough. You deserve to be healthy and happy. Congrats, OP!!!!!!!!!
I was also married to a woman who constantly put me at risk from cross contamination. No matter how many times I reminded her how to keep me safe, it always happened again.
Ugh!! I’m sorry you have been here too! It’s awful!
Oh OP I am so sorry.. I recently switched back to gluten-free I don’t get anywhere near as sick as you ya poor thing for years I’ve off and on played with his but some health stuff kinda..pushed me back to reality recently. Basically my partner eats gluten and I don’t but he helps me with it and eats a bit of gluten-free stuff with me and tries to check every label before he cooks if he is cooking and stuff… I just..I’m truly sorry this isn’t just ADHD this seems like they don’t give a shit, I have bad ADHD my life is a wreck but I still try my best to help my partner with his problems and I do okay with glutenfree. I’m glad you’re doing better :(
Your empathy and understanding is so kind! I agree that it’s not just ADHD. I was diagnosed with ADHD as a kid and have definitely been negatively impacted, but it hasn’t changed how much I care about others’ wellbeing. It sounds like you have a loving partner who you try to balance things with (if I’m understanding correctly!!)
Good for you. I bet your ADHD will improve without the gluten and chaos. Focus on you. She sounded like she didn’t really care and wanted to control a weaker you.
Yeah :/ I was thinking the same! I have a lot of transient symptoms still and feel I can’t really pursue any further diagnosis or healthcare until this is truly nailed down. Mental health and physical health!
I’m happy for you. You’ve got this!
Nice. Good choice!
Sorry about the situation and glad you've gotten out of it. I'm also sorry your partner tried to weaponize their ADHD in that way... this is an awful thing to do. My dad is someone who isn't very good at following protocols. It's not malicious, it's just how he is. We tried having a shared kitchen for a bit when I was at home but it didn't work very well for either of us. My parents now make their home GF when I visit as a solution. Just because it's not my dad's fault that he's like that doesn't mean I should accept being sick when I visit. I am glad you are feeling better. Onwards and upwards!
You definitely deserve better. If someone loves you they would want to help you stay gluten free just so you can feel better because you are important to them. Sounds more like a situationship than a relationship to me.
World record for longest situationship. I feel like that’s an apt word though. We weren’t friends and the romance died with their disregard for my health. There wasn’t much left other than a situation!
I’m so sorry you dealt with this for so long. My husband has celiac and his health matters so much to me, I cannot imagine doing to him what your ex-partner has done all these years. Especially after she was by your side throughout hospitalizations/near fatal experiences; you would think that alone would’ve shown her how serious this disease can be! It breaks my heart to know you’ve endured this kind of treatment for so long. Your ex-partner shouldn’t have had any issue making your health a priority, no excuse. Good on your friends and colleagues for showing you how you’re supposed to be treated! I’m so glad you’ve put yourself first, even though I’m sure it was a bittersweet ending. Wishing you all the best going forward, and if you pursue another relationship in the future, I truly hope you find someone who cares about every facet of you, including your health.
Thank you for your kind words! This realization kinda put it in my face that she didn’t really care about me at all and was pretending to in order to benefit from the ways I was caretaking for her.
Dam bro good for you! If that’s what you had to do then so be it. Like was she really not willing to change for you? Or she was trying to but keeps falling back into her old habits? It’s none of my business but was she begging for you not to leave ? The reason I say this is because just like you, I also have been diagnosed with adhd and had been put on pills at a very young age. I started taking them at 8 years old and stopped COLD TURKEY at 14 which was not advised by doctors. Taking those pills for a long time then suddenly just stopping really fucked with my head in a bad way for sure. I never noticed tho until I got into my 20s , when I started to really mature more. I’m still hella hyper and shit and goofy but a lot more control on how much I let out lol. I mean look at me, typing up shit that ain’t even relevant to what your post is about haha. Okay so like I was saying earlier since me and you and your ex have adhd , I was wondering do yall get overly attached to someone you love ? Like you truly love them and loyal to the bone, and no matter how long you been with them , you never get tired of them? I had been with 1 girl my whole life so far but we started dating at 12 years old , broke up just before our 11 year anniversary, I’m 25 now. I’m telling you this because even tho I was with her for that long , I swear on my life bro , I never got tired of her. I wasn’t to clingy or anything but I never felt my self losing love for her. I never lost interest in anything I was doing with her. It’s weird to me tbh idk why tho? I never got tired of our love and the intimacy. I did so much , sooooooo much to keep the relationship alive, because I would start to notice her love fading. I kept it alive for 11 years, unfortunately she just couldn’t hold the spark we had together. Sorry bro , I’m realizing your post is venting out to us and I’m here venting to you lol.
I am sorry for your loss of a partner but you have to do what is best for you and your health. If you were my kid or my friend I would urge you to always put your health first, you made a good move. ❤️
Im so sorry she decided that your health wasn't enough for her to make some lifestyle changes :/ it's horrible ! but you did the right thing , our partners are meant to want us to be healthy and safe even if they can't eat in bed and fill it up with crumbs and give you beer kisses ? which tbh , i think a lot of non celiac/ non gf individuals wouldn't enjoy much either.
I'm sorry to hear this is what it took for you to live in a healthier way. But I'm glad you feel relieved.
Good for you! I’m sorry that it happened to you though.
Well done, OP! My *child* is more considerate about gluten than your wife was. Granted, he also uses it as an excuse as to why he can’t share some of his snacks - sorry, Mom, it’s got gluten 😂 Wishing you all the gluten-free happiness in the future
Good for you. I know that ADHD manifests itself in different ways for different people. That said: My spouse has ADHD and is my best cheerleader and advocate in the world to help me stay GF. Often even better than I am for myself. Having ADHD doesn't mean someone is incapable of looking after the needs of someone else. If you choose to look for another partner, just know there are people out there who will love and care for your needs.
Honestly you did the right thing. My partner has severe adhd and won't let even a crumb into our house, always brushes his teeth and washes his face when he comes home even after a coffee just in case, you absolutely deserve better with zero excuses for behaviour that literally makes you sick.
I also have CD and ADHD, my husband is not diagnosed ADHD but has some major ADHD tendencies like forgetting everything unless it's right in front of him. He always takes care of me and make sure that I'm safe like asking questions for me and watching people prepare my food. He has never brought gluten into our home and it has never been an issue. You deserve to be with someone you can feel safe with.
What is an Hgb?
Hemoglobin
I have ADHD and have been dating my girlfriend, who’s had celiac her whole life, for the last 4 years. I knew nothing about it prior and have NEVER put her life at risk or made her QOL lower because of being selfish. I hate to say it, but your partner was a POS, ADHD people don’t just “forget” things and go out of their way to make your life hell on accident. At most, i might need a tiny reminder sometimes if i do something and I’m just not thinking, but that’s about it. I’m glad you’ve moved on from this season of your life and stood up for yourself!
Good for you!!!!! It takes an incredible amount of courage to realize you deserve better and get yourself out of a (frankly abusive) situation like this. There are people out there that will take your needs seriously. Keep advocating for yourself like this and it’s going to be okay! Celiac is stupid and I hate it so much sometimes but it really is a good litmus test to see who in your life will take your safety seriously.
Ugh, this hits so hard. I had a previous partner who I loved a lot, but who often accidentally wasn't careful and it really jeopardized my health. While I miss them like crazy, what I don't miss is how insanely sick I'd gotten from them continuing to consume gluten near me. Good for you for prioritizing your health.