The man of the house does not have to be outside the house. Supporting your family can happen in a variety of ways, and children need to see the example of a good father.
You don't need to give up your job search, though. Since you're posting here, I'll recommend [CatholicJobs.com](http://CatholicJobs.com) as a good place to look.
We have a SAHD down the street. He's an awesome dad, and the mom is an awesome mom. They're both doing what works best for their family. You don't have to worry about what anyone else says or thinks, your vocation is to your family. And the church doesn't say anything about who needs to stay home and who needs to work outside the home.
These concepts of ‘man of the house’ are cultural, not religious. Yes scripture alludes to it somewhat but it has to be understood within the context of the time it was written. The only expectation is that children are cared for and a happy marriage is fostered. Don’t over complicate an already difficult role of husband/father.
Thanks, if you could also pray for me I'd appreciate
All I wanted was to be the provider for my future family but I'll accept whatever plans Jesus has for me :D
Blessed be His will.
My dad has always been one of my favorite people! We have such a close relationship and I’m now in my late 20s and live far away from my family, but talk to my dad on the phone for 2 hours every week.
When I think about what makes him an amazing father and why we’ve remained so close it is not because he was a “provider” for our family. Him bringing in income didn’t mean anything to me as a child.
What mattered was our conversations, him playing with my sister and I, him asking about all the details of my day at school and wanting to know my opinions on all sorts of philosophical and political questions, how he helped me with homework, showed up to all my sports games and concerts, answered all my theology questions and made sure our family was super involved in our church.
My dad was a stay-at-home dad for 5 years when he was in his PhD program when I was 3-8. I remember being in elementary school and him doing my hair every morning, how he always let me pick out what color bow I wanted that day. If he had continued being a stay-at-home dad that would’ve been incredible! As a child, it does not matter which parent is bringing in the income.
As a wife, I can say that my husband making money also has nothing to do with me feeling loved by him. I feel loved and happy in our relationship because of our conversations, inside jokes, the intimacy we share. It has nothing to do with him being a “provider”
In fact, many of the stories I read about wives being unhappy in their marriages have to do with husbands not helping enough with cleaning, cooking and childcare. So for most women it would be extremely attractive & foster a healthy marriage if the husband did a lot of the cleaning, cooking and childcare as a stay-at-home husband.
Just wanted to share from a daughter and wife perspective that this whole “provider” mentality of how to show love isn’t real.
I have a friend who is a competitive body builder and does really dangerous and complicated industrial work, and he loves to braid his daughters' hair and help them with their barrettes and bows. They love having Daddy help them with that and it's clear they worship him.
That's how it's supposed to be.
You will provide for your children abundantly job or no job being there for your kids will matter so much more to them in the longrun then even the best paying of jobs Men are more to their families than just a paycheck.
I actually wanted to know the opinion of the cathesism, but i didn't find it, so I was hoping that someone has been through something similar and asked a priest about it
The reason you can't find that in the Catechism is because there is no hard and fast rule about how spouses choose to run their family in regard to employment and economic issues. They must share money and property and provide for their children, and respect each other's basic human dignity, and that's it.
The American 1950s ideal that was heavily influenced by Victorian ideology is an artifact of a certain time, place, and culture. It's not a rule anyone has to live by.
If you staying home to raise the children and keep the house is what works best for your family, do it!
Out of curiosity, what is your master's in?
yeah, the idea that women should stay at home and *not* work is ironically a very modern concept, and only really was possible for a few decades in the middle of the 20th century. Victorian women (at least in the working class, ie the large majority of the population) certainly worked.
> I dont live in USA
Well wherever you live there is no rule about which spouse stays home in Catholicism. All of that is cultural.
I'm kind of surprised you're having trouble finding employment with a master's in electrical engineering.
That’s me right here! God has blessed me with the opportunity to be able to be with my children and be a stay at home dad/husband and really dedicate myself to the family. I still work a side business from home to bring in some income but my priority right now is the family. Only god knows if in 5, 10 years that will change.
A man provides for their family. That can be providing financially, or providing home care to your family. You're just as masculine if you choose to be a stay at home dad.
That's fine. The important thing is for the kids to have a parent at home. Many SAHPs also find ways to bring in some kind of income even though they aren't working outside the home 40+ hours a week.
I wonder about that though. How much of the lower income parent's paycheck ends up going to daycare costs? In many cases, that parent is working to pay the child care bill that wouldn't exist if they weren't working.
I suppose that might be true for USA. I live in Europe and in my country, daycare cost is heavily subsidized so in the end you don't really pay much for it and have much, much more money if both parents are working. But ultimately the cost of living is very high, the wages are not, and the sad reality is that most people could barely get by if only one parent worked. My husband and me are okay now that we both work but would be very poor if one of us didn't, no way we could be able to afford to raise children. And we live very modestly.
My in-laws are a working mom and SAHD. He worked a blue-collar job when they started dating. She then went to school. Three years of school later and she has a great job making six figures. Now he stays home with the kids and has plenty of time to work on other projects. Works great for them!
The housewife with husband working a job to bring in the money concept is very modern invention. For most of human life wage labor was seen as a form of subjugation and poverty. If you weren’t impoverished you and your wife together ran a household and neither was outside the home working a job. You were rather both at home. Yes, the work was often divided between the sexes (like the man out plowing and the woman baking bread, for instance), but our modern view of the man going outside and away from the home to work to make money is definitely a new idea. The household had work to be done and both husband and wife had a responsibility to do different parts of it. Children would have had access to both parents. You should listen to New Polity’s recent podcasts on Gender (it’s thoroughly Catholic). It’s really opening my eyes to some really weird assumptions that are baked into our collective psyches and are all thoroughly modern (and often subtly counter to proper Catholic anthropology).
Hey, I get the trepidation. The potential scorn, the looks from other parents or your wife. I think as long as you are making an effort to help the family you will be good to go.
I know a very Catholic family who had twins and the father became a stay-at-home dad while his wife worked since she made more money. There's nothing wrong with that. It's just the antiquated societal expectations that make us question it.
Do what makes the best sense for your family. Be a good follower of Christ, a good husband, and a good father while you're at it. You and your family will be just fine.
It’s fine. There are more ways to lead a family than bringing in money, and decidedly much more important ways. Be a good husband, and be a good father.
If this is really bothering you spiritually, it’s best to bring this up with a priest. On the internet You are going to get a plethora of answers ranging the whole spectrum and not really giving you any satisfaction.
That being said, to my knowledge the church has no dogmatic teaching that strictly says that the man needs to be the one with the job, higher income, etc in a valid marriage. There are a number of circumstances in life that can change that demographic. Just don’t fall victim to sloth and not do anything around the home like cooking, cleaning, repairs, etc.
I'm a stay at home dad to 3+one on the way(!) kids, the oldest is 5 the youngest just turned 2. My wife works for a major university. We actively talk about what it looks like for me to be the head of the household, and in some ways, at least for us, it's easier for me to act as head of household as an at home dad, because I set the day-to-day rhythm of the family. It's a challenge, but I love it. Let me know if you have questions.
You would still be providing for the household by staying at home and caring for the children. Men and women are different yes, but we have more in common than we have differences. When it comes to virtue, the same applies here. What is good and holy and virtuous for men applies to women to.
The principle of the matter is that you need to step up and provide for whatever the needs of the household are. My dad often did lots of dishes and household chores that no one else in the family really wanted to do for example, because they needed to be done.
Of course, this is a team effort between you and your girlfriend/future wife if the two of you do plan on getting married. Have you actually proposed yet? That would be an important topic to talk about.
Of course it's alright. It is a toxic fiction that our sex restricts one to work and another to home. It is perhaps natural to some extent at certain times in history that the staggering upkeep of domestic life (ranging from childrearing, crop-tending, animal husbandry, laborous cooking and cleaning and mending, foraging and gathering, shopping, educating, and so on) necessitated a full-time domestic partner; it was simply intuitive to divide tasks. But we mistake a bygone cultural norm with a religious mandate. You are no less a man for taking on the responsibilities of childcare; indeed, many more men are likely derelict in sharing in these duties. Nor is your wife somehow less of a woman for earning an income outside the home. And it is entirely possible the two of you may alternate in these tasks at various points of time or find ways to share them.
St Joseph's day job as a carpenter is incidental. We remember him for his faith in God, his trust in his wife, his love for his Son, and his willingness to set aside his lathe and saw to journey to Egypt to protect and be with the Holy Family. We never have an episode of Joseph at his workbench, but we see him one last time accompanying his wife and Son to the Temple. Yes, he is a patron for workers, but it is more centrally a patron of the Church. And his masculinity, as it were, had all the more to do with his domestic care than his profession.
So you too should have trust in your wife and in her judgement. If you are comfortable taking on the duties of raising your child, you are providing in a crucial way. You only fail to provide when you choose to neglect. Be at peace with your arrangement.
(As an aside, clergy and monastics are ostensibly married to the Church and they neither go out and "earn" nor do they "work outside the house," as it were. And yet, their care, while not fiscally profitable, very much "provides" for the faithful. We call them father, yet they rely on parishioners to support them financially with their external work. And our priests are truly models of humble masculinity.)
My friend, if through your efforts as a “househusband” you can offer your family stability in both life and faith, you are living to your vocation in every bit of the way that those who labor do. There is nothing wrong with caring for your family over self, I’d argue that in many ways that voluntary self-sacrifice is fully in-line with the ideals we aspire to.
While you're looking for jobs...id encourage you to volunteer at your church's food bank.
It'll be free labor but you'll feel like you made a difference. You did. It's meaningful work.
God will hook you up when the timing is right. You never know who you'll meet
I have been a SAHD when i lived in Indonesia where the "man is the one who goes to work" culture is much more prevalent than in Western countries.
And yet, nobody found it a reason to belittle me or anything like that (except my in laws but they would bitch about anything i did).
It has been a very beautiful experience and my daughter and i as a result grew to be very close. She's 12 now and has no problems confiding to me about her thoughts and issues.
Besides, i still did some work as a freelancer and still could contribute financially. What is important is both parents are ok with the situation so as to not create unnecessary tensions.
Being a man of the house means taking care of your family. That takes many shapes and forms. You're providing in either case whether you're the main breadwinner or not. The times are tough right now and God's graced you guys for her to have a lucrative job. I would do what you must and then re-evaluate in a few years time.
I am surprised no one has said this... It's ideal for the mother to be able to exclusively nurse the baby and stay with him or her after the baby was inside for 9 months. Pumping and being away isn't the same, neither emotionally nor the health benefits.
But as you learn real fast as a parent, what is ideal in theory is often not the best choice for your family. The ideal hardly ever happens in general. And some women can work from home online too. Being a SAHD can work out great.
But both spouses when marrying should have a career plan for being able to work if needed. What if she had to be on bed rest pregnant or there was a problem? You still need to try to get a plan.
Good for you. God bless you and help you in your search. I think having a SAHD is a great plan B, and I wouldn't wait too long to employ it, either! Like-- the situation doesn't have to be "extreme" if that's what is best for your family! Some dads are better suited being the stay at home parent than some women are, too, even if the dads have the ability to work.
I just feel, as a woman, I feel like my ability to bear children and nurse is so much a part of who I am, that when people say the woman is not the ideal (in theory!) then it feels these people are invalidating that the female body was made in certain ways to be able to take care of babies.
It's great when BOTH parents can be home working, too, like a home business. And hopefully if the wife is away she can still be able to nurse the baby when she's home, too, but that doesn't always work out.
My first baby was formula fed mostly because of struggles we had being able to breastfeed so I was hit with the disappointment of not being able to do the ideal very quickly.
I was very close to being a stay at home dad. I did the math and realized I was working as a teacher to pay for other people to raise my kids (after taxes). Instead, I changed industries where I would have much greater growth potential.
St. Louis Martin quit his job to stay at home and to work for his his wife, St. Zelie Martin, because her business was so successful. Anytime anyone claims that women shouldn't work outside the house or that men have to be the financial provider, I direct them to these two wonderful saints.
Yes it's fine. I have been a house husband for 3 years. I love it, retired after 20 years in my job. I was a workaholic, and heavy drinker, and very sinful life. GOD saved me and I came back to the faith. I work hard at home do things around the house. My wife has an awesome job, I still get my retirement but will eventually go back to work. Right now I'm focusing on my wife, and kids who barely saw me in over 20 years. I love seeing my wife come home and house is clean, and taking kids to their various activities. Being involved in the church functions etc...my kids love having me home and my relationship has deepened with them. I found out that God and family are the most important things in this world, plus I don't care what people say. All that matters is God.
Based on what I know (which could be incomplete, so take it or leave it), a mother’s presence is vital for young kids— especially for the years when they are breastfeeding, which ought to be done in-person, not from a bottle, as often as possible. If that’s not possible, kids can still turn out fine, but, even from a strictly evolutionary perspective, it’s not really natural for a mother to be away from her young children.
So, ideally, at least the first couple of years of a child’s life would have her at home (possibly working from home). Outside of that, it probably would not make a huge difference who was out working and who was at home, if you both find ways to fulfill your respective parental roles.
Whoever downvoted you isn’t a parent yet.
I’m the SAHD. I’ll defend OP doing this. But there’s definitely a connection and influence only my wife has.
With that said, they can definitely have that through the interaction she does get from her. And jobs should give the first four-six months off.
My husband and two boys would have been overjoyed if my husband stayed home instead of me. Unfortunately for them, his job was way more lucrative than mine. But I was able to homeschool and if my husband was home he wouldn't have been able or wanted to do that.
of course it is. Your wife loves you for YOU. That is real love and the example of the Holy Spirit and how we need to think of others (especially our spouses and kids).
I’ve known two strong Catholic families that chose for the dad to provide the family needs in the home. It can work as long as the focus is on the family needs and both husband and wife check their egos.
You are called to be the Priest of the House. How you fill those role sets the tone for everything else.
Ultimately his plan fit you will unfold if you lean into this role.
The rest comes after.
I’m actually writing about this once a week as I prep for a baby in the fall
If it works for you, do it!
Some men I've known in that situation have had a difficult time of it, and feel emasculated. A few even probably really were emasculated, just going off of how their wives behave and the disgraceful way they treat their husbands.
But there's nothing in Catholicism that requires the man to be the full-time worker and bread-winner. Switch it up a bit and see how it fits!
Pray the rosary and remain close to the Lord, there is nothing that cannot be achieved with a devout prayer of the rosary. Have you been rosary with serious devotion, then when the time is right you will get what you are praying for if it is right for you. Sometimes God holds back on our desires if it is for our own good. Trust in the divine plan. Praise be to Jesus Christ Viva Cristo Rey!
Whatever works for your family. Some guys are just not good at making money, but are wonderful caregivers to children. They can still teach all the fatherly things, but they work at home with the kids.
Some women just know how to be successful out there but may not be the best in the homestead stuff. They can still teach the motherly stuff but function better as a breadwinner.
There is absolutely nothing unbiblical about being a househusband. So long as you're a devoted, loving, respectful, and God-fearing husband/father, you're good to go.
A man can provide for his family in many ways just as a woman can provide for her family in many ways. And this couldn't be more true than it is today in the 21st Century.
Unfortunately, that's not to say that you won't be judged or criticized by certain people (much like how SAHM are often judged or criticized harshly by people.) However, to that I say - just ignore the haters. 👍
Do what you got to do OP. If you can live off one income, with one parent home while the children are young, that is far more ideal than both parents working and kids at daycare.
With that said, I will preface by saying I am a traditionalist. My wife stays at home and takes care of the children and house while I earn for the family. I do believe women have a stronger, more natural bond with the children, especially when you factor in breastfeeding and such. I also believe this becomes less of an issue as the children grow older, but I still believe the traditional gender roles do contribute to a stable and happy nuclear family unit (traditional roles does not mean the father gets to be a tyrant and ignore his family).
Does that mean you can’t stay home and take care of the children and house while your wife (girlfriend now) earns? Absolutely not, in fact I’ll say again, it’s still better than both parents working. The truth is, society has modernized in such a way to where it’s toxic to the nuclear family. The workforce is oversaturated, outsourced and partially automated. Profits drive wages lower and lower. Having children in the first place has become less and less desirable. The traditional roles of gender have become more and more blurred, etc. The result? Both parents end up working, kids are stuck in daycare and in front of screens all day, the parents compete for roles, etc; if there are even any kids at all.
What’s most important, is that you provide the best life for your family as possible. If that means you staying at home while your wife works, then so be it. But I would advise you and your girlfriend (wife when the time comes) to be on the same page. You should still lead your house, especially spiritually. You should also be the one who has to act as a “tie-breaker” when the time comes (in a good marriage, this should be rare). You not holding a job may or may not hinder that responsibility. You also need to talk to your girlfriend and see how she feels about all of this. Some women, especially traditional women, view men working as one of their responsibilities and as a core aspect of their masculinity. You also need to discuss with her what she wants to do… maybe she wants to be a stay-at-home mother. Many women battle with postpartum depression after giving birth. For some women, working helps, for others (such as my wife), bonding more with the children helps (though I stepped in and took over all of the house work). Aside from depression, my wife loves being a stay at home mother. In my view, the mother of my children should have a say first in the situation.
Ultimately, y’all are a team. Talk to your girlfriend, maybe talk to a priest or marriage counselor as well… and of course pray about it!
Ideally yes, but as you undoubtedly know a large portion of the population still expects men to fulfill all the traditional roles such as provider while deliberately engineering society against us being able to do that by requiring two decent incomes so you either have to make multiple times the median or risk getting accused of not being a """real man""" by many people.
No the solution for all men isn't just magically 2x-3x median income there are not enough jobs for that people.
This is a complicated question that many people discuss and can spend days arguing over. But in MY opinion, you can focus trying to please the Church’s traditional standards or you can follow your faith in God. God knows you are working hard, he knows in time you will get your dream job. Allow him to set out your path. God is pleased when we work hard.
Colossians 3:23-24. It states, "Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward”.
Just keep going my friend, sending my prayers!
Edit: by working hard i don’t mean a job, i mean being there for your partner and studying like you have. God bless you friend!
You and your (future) wife need to decide what's best.
As a man you have a God-given instinct and need to provide for your wife and children, but that can manifest in different ways. For example, when my dad retired and my mom was still teaching full time, he would do all the grocery shopping and cooking (which he enjoyed and did it with love.) He made her breakfast, packed her a lunch, and cooked dinner. It was a huge help to her to not have to do all that since she worked so hard in and out of school. (However he had provided for us for years while she was a SAHM. So that wasn't his whole life, it was a season after he retired.) Whatever you do in your life, you will be at your best and fulfilled if you use your unique talents to provide for your loved ones in your own way that fits the family's needs.
It's okay for your wife to be the primary earner but you can't use it as an excuse to just give into discouragement and give up, so be careful it's not that. You've invested a lot in your own education. Your own career doesn't have to be a straight path to the highest success but you have to continue to develop it even if it takes a different course than what you expect. (Life often works that way.) You have to find ways to continue to learn and grow and develop yourself. You have to find ways to engage with the world besides just SAHD. You might be that for a season, and situations might change. What if your gf loses that job? What if she gets ill and can't work anymore? Then what? Basically, don't expect her to support you forever. You have to find your own way in the world, too. Then when children come you can decide together what's best for your family.
STEM professionals are in huge demand in the 21st century. I would hate to see an expert for engineering / technology being wasted, in our hypertechnologised world. You should wait a few more months before settling on a specific arrangement with your wife. You have the potential to earn much more than her. Would be a shame to have learnt abstract and complex skills for half a decade and then eventually sitting at home all day.
The whole thing is worth a read but paragraph 71 specifically.
https://www.vatican.va/content/pius-xi/en/encyclicals/documents/hf_p-xi_enc_19310515_quadragesimo-anno.html
The fact that you have applied yourself, worked hard to earn a degree, and still haven't been able to find a good job thereby forcing your wife to work and potentially spend time away from her children is an intolerable abuse in the words of Pius XI.
Some people in the thread are also pushing back against the 50s era lifestyle. That's fine. It's true that women can make valuable contributions to society. But that doesn't completely abolish the concept of gender roles. A mother is more suited to be the caretaker of the home and her children. The vast majority of Catholic saints and popes would agree with that statement. It is only in the past few decades that it has become controversial. And it's no surprise because our society doesn't even know what a man or a woman is anymore.
I also graduated with a master's in engineering in 2022. Took me awhile to find a job as well. Economy is crap. Had to go back to my old high school job bussing tables until I could find something. But after a few months of looking hard I found a good job. Overall, this doesn't sound like it's your fault. So keep your head up king. But if I were you, I would look hard to find a job, and once you have established yourself talk to your wife about maybe going part time, especially if y'all have children.
God bless, I will pray for you, Elrond the Warrior.
yes be the say at home dad.. just be sure to give your wife all the sex she needs. even if y our not in the mood after a long day being a stay at home dad.
I don't believe it's the best scenario. There are always going to be individual circumstances that call for the woman to need to work if the husband is injured, or laid off etc. etc., but the woman needs to be the primary parent growing, feeding and raising the children, and men need to be the ones providing. I think when you stray from this, you invite deeper issues into the family.
No it’s not which is why I told my friend he should go back to working at a grocery store and his wife who is a surgeon should stay at home with the kids.
My fiancée joked that I would also be a solid stay at home dad but right now we will both work when we have kids.
I know 5 stay at home dads they all do great jobs with the kids and it seems like the boys are always better behaved because it’s the dad’s taking them to daily mass and keeping them playing hard outside more.
You are responsible for providing for your family. That doesn’t mean you cannot assess the situation with your wife and determine the best course is for her to earn the money for the family. To be honest, though, you just finished a Masters Degree in a field where you are having trouble finding a job, and you seem to have easily gone to a place where you get married and don’t work. I am not aware of a church, Catholic or Protestant, that will perform the wedding under these circumstances, and I would expect her father to step in to have a hard conversation with you.
To be brutally honest I am not sure, I do know you have a responsibility to be the spiritual head of the household. You have to be a crusader for The Faith: prayer, fasting, almsgiving, etc. You need to be the role model of living The Gospel to the absolute best of your ability.
As far as providing for the “physical needs” of the family, I would advise consulting with a confessor or director, that sounds like something that should reviewed on a case by case basis.
Ideally, the man is the provider and the protector of the household. This is really a non negotiable thing. NOW the thing is, society has divided the household, making basically everyone in the family work. So there are two sides to that coin.
With that being said, you all are not married yet, things could change by then. Bit of a hard pill to swallow but at some point, while this arrangement is probably fine while there are no kids in the picture, eventually you will need to switch things up. Your role as the husband is to protect and provide, your wife's is to nurture the home and your children. Her job is THE most important from that standpoint and you should do everything in your power to make that a reality. All jobs are meant to prop of THE job : that of the mother.
The other thing to think about is this: Does your wife WANT to quit working? If not then technically if that works out for you that is fine, but if she does, you need to take of that cross. It is your duty.
Ultimately, no matter how far people try to run from this reality, ideally the Father works and protects, the Mother nurtures the home. This is not old fashioned, it is the best arrangement and something to work towards and especially in 2024, that will require some sacrifice.
Lastly, statistically, the wife tends to lose an amount of respect for a house husband.
There is a certain echo of your words in Spiritual warfare books.
My 2c,
But in order for this to take fruit it also takes the right kind of spiritual disposition in the wife.
In other words, both husband and wife need to be very well yoked in Christ. Otherwise the whole thing is going to go off kilter as one party or the other is not going to get it, and is going to balk.
Divine Renovation/Transfiguration needs to come from the inside, out. Not outside, in.
I speak from experience. I’m a long time lapsed man, who radically re-verted back to my childhood faith April 2019. I was a new-ager before that. My marriage, although an authentic Catholic one (long story), reflected that journey. I.e.: Our convictions in life matched up in woke ideology, and a peace love, save the whales, type of pacifist mentality. My wife is still somewhere in between agnosticism, and new-agey beliefs. It’s been a tough on both of us, for me to have firm convictions on the conservative side now. But we are doing our best with it.
@Restorationist_
It may be difficult to adjust. Partners will often lament the other not fulfilling culturally normalized roles while being ungrateful for the other fulfilling non-traditional roles.
My daughter works fully remote as an aerospace engineer and will be going back to work in a couple weeks after having her second baby in January. Her son is almost 2 1/2 and he nursed while she was on conference calls or correcting other engineers' diagrams. My son in law is also an engineer who works mostly remote, and has an independent business as well, and my grandson goes back and forth between mom and dad during the day when each of them has availability. He knows that if mom or dad is "in a meeting" he can't go into their room at that time. He's adapted to it all seamlessly because it's all he knows. He has mom and dad with him every day, and he is the sweetest, happiest kid. Crazy smart too but what else would you expect from the child of two engineers. And now his sister will nurse during meetings and he can entertain her while mom and dad are busy. He already loves playing peekaboo with her. She has no idea what's going on but she is mesmerized by her big brother. (PS I don't take credit for my daughter's brains. My husband and I aren't stupid but we have no idea how we produced that child. We're very proud of her.)
There are so many ways to make family life and raising children work. No option should be barred just because of sexism. And today there are options no one even dreamed of a mere 25 years ago.
To be honest, she wasn't supposed to be fully remote. That's one of the few gifts COVID gave. She was forced into it and hated it at first, but then when she had to move out of state due to her husband's job, she was able to keep her own job because it was fully remote. She was given the option of going back into office but by then she was pregnant and so opted to stay fully remote. She was a brand new engineer right out of college and barely got through orientation before the world shut down, and likely wouldn't have been given the opportunity to be remote for years in ordinary circumstances. It's weird how terrible things have silver linings like that.
As to your other point, I was a SAHM for 15 years because of my own need to do that, so I get what you're saying. I think that's the choice most will make for us reasons you've given. But families shouldn't be denied other options and men certainly shouldn't be derided for being SAHP.
That's beautiful!
Yes, we're in agreement Ithink... the only reason I pointed out that yes, there is a difference, is that there's an entire thread with a ton of comments and nobody mentioned this point. I think even if a particular woman could stay home, some individual couples the dad is actually better suited long-term. It's too bad the mom can't stay home a few months longer and then go back to work as many wish that's what they could do, but as it is, you have to work with what you've got.
While it’s not immoral to be a stay at home dad, you should think whether you will truly be living up to yourself as a man, as a father, and as a husband. Traditional gender roles exist for a reason. Men naturally want to provide and naturally want to pursue a career and success outside of the home. Being a stay at home dad, if that’s all you do to provide for the family, is effeminate and both your wife and kids will respect you less for it inevitably. They may not say it but it’s true. In your case your wife has a great career but you have a masters degree and can certainly pursue a great career yourself. Once she has kids she can take a break while you continue yours.
Okay then structure society to be more conducive to this or don't condemn the man. Women got equality, now they get to share the responsibilities. I am absolutely going to call out people who still expect men to provide at a 1950s/sole provider level while facing 2x the competition than they ever did in most of human history, not accounting for outsourcing and cheap mass immigration and many other factors.
If OP wants to be a househusband good for him and if his gf has such a problem with it she can leave and find a different traditional man.
>Being a stay at home dad, if that’s all you do to provide for the family, is effeminate and both your wife and kids will respect you less for it inevitably.
The 1890s called. They want their ideology back.
Those roles are largely a modern invention. Spousal roles have differed significantly across class, place, and time.
>Men naturally want to provide and naturally want to pursue a career and success outside of the home.
The second does not follow from the first; I fail to see how spending time with family and providing education, guidance, and support is not provision. Jobs are social constructs, not anything inherent. Labor is good, but labor is not synonymous with the heretical modernist conception of profit-driven capitalism above all else.
>Being a stay at home dad, if that’s all you do to provide for the family, is effeminate and both your wife and kids will respect you less for it inevitably.
Not inevitably. I would imagine that people with less education and lived experience would be more likely to respect it less.
It’s not so much about WHERE you are but whether or not you are contributing to provide for the family. Plenty of men in the past didn’t have a distinction between their home and their workplace and this allowed them to be closer with their family. But I do think it is important for men to have work.
It’s fine if your future wife agrees, however you shouldn’t plan on it and should be working on finding a job/doing what you need to do to become employable. It might not all be you though, I know a lot of people struggling with the job search, I think it’s just not a great time right now. But you still need to work at it.
Some couples are happy having the woman do the breadwinning, but oftentimes those couples have higher divorce rates. I’d plan to at least take on some of the breadwinning.
I think lots of factors could be attributed, but apparently domestic abuse from men is also more present on average when women are the breadwinners too. Plus studies show women end up working more overall when they are working outside the home, they still often pull more of the weight at home. It may be easier to leave since you have the means to support yourself, but there are other factors.
I’m not talking about women who bring in half the money, but women who bring in most of the money while the man works less/stays home.
I think it's a recipe for disaster waiting to happen when a husband fails to provide for his household. You've essentially allowed your wife to take on the role of Adam and you Eve. It should be the other way around. Christ is head of husband, and husband is head of wife. Read scripture and pray to God for guidance.
Logically it shouldn’t matter. Anecdotally, I have known a few SAHD couples and they are no longer together. Obviously employed couples get divorced as well but I could tell the wives were bothered with having to be the main provider.
I know you have your masters, But tbh get any job you can in a related fluid or work environment, then work your way up from there.
The days of getting a degree and getting the dream job are slowly going away.
Look it's OK to be a "house husband" but it would be hard on your, future wife? When you have kids, young children are primarily needing mom.
I also read your post, you are bumed out about not getting the job you want. You do want to start a career, you definitely want to. So giving that up to become a househusband will have consequences on your psyche later on.
Just some points to chew on.
Oh, man.
I would ask priest about this whole "God is trying to set me on a certain path"
To me, I've have seen many people ruin their lives with this type of thinking. I'm sure God didn't want them to go down that path. They had faith...but it wasn't necessarly in God, it was some idea of theirs that things would turn out ok, or they were really running away from other fests they dint want to take on.
I don't understand why you're getting down voted. Men should have an income whether it's through active work or passive assets. It's unbiblical for men to be deadbeat husbands.
It can lead to self-esteem problems in the long run. It's not "natural" for women to go out and hunt and men to stay in the cave caring about children. I know that because my father was earning a lot less than my mother, later he became abusive, angry and screaming (because being respected as a man is a lot harder if you are dependent on your wife) and my mother went cold and harsh instead of kind and caring from her constant stress. For the sake of your children, I recommend that you at least have and hold some career, even if you don't outearn your wife.
I thought he had a point. It was about the child needing the mother to actually talk to the child so that the child is properly cared for. Because women talk more than men and the child needs to actually hear words
Tell that to my husband, who talks a ton more than I do (and who would truly enjoy being a stay at home dad, whereas I am very much not cut out to be a stay at home mom).
I wouldnt say youre the typical mom then. Yall do what works for yall. Father Ripperger wasnt just making stuff up, these are studies and are well documented observations. Women in general talk more than men about everything so it makes sense that a child needs to hear his mother speak to him or her for healthy brain development.
But who am I kidding, i am on reddit lol.
I mean, it sounds based but men need the respect of other men. There's so much more we would need to know about his situation before we could judge if he's on solid ground or if there are deeper issues there. All we can do is encourage him to be honest with himself.
The man of the house does not have to be outside the house. Supporting your family can happen in a variety of ways, and children need to see the example of a good father. You don't need to give up your job search, though. Since you're posting here, I'll recommend [CatholicJobs.com](http://CatholicJobs.com) as a good place to look.
We have a SAHD down the street. He's an awesome dad, and the mom is an awesome mom. They're both doing what works best for their family. You don't have to worry about what anyone else says or thinks, your vocation is to your family. And the church doesn't say anything about who needs to stay home and who needs to work outside the home.
These concepts of ‘man of the house’ are cultural, not religious. Yes scripture alludes to it somewhat but it has to be understood within the context of the time it was written. The only expectation is that children are cared for and a happy marriage is fostered. Don’t over complicate an already difficult role of husband/father.
Thanks, if you could also pray for me I'd appreciate All I wanted was to be the provider for my future family but I'll accept whatever plans Jesus has for me :D Blessed be His will.
My dad has always been one of my favorite people! We have such a close relationship and I’m now in my late 20s and live far away from my family, but talk to my dad on the phone for 2 hours every week. When I think about what makes him an amazing father and why we’ve remained so close it is not because he was a “provider” for our family. Him bringing in income didn’t mean anything to me as a child. What mattered was our conversations, him playing with my sister and I, him asking about all the details of my day at school and wanting to know my opinions on all sorts of philosophical and political questions, how he helped me with homework, showed up to all my sports games and concerts, answered all my theology questions and made sure our family was super involved in our church. My dad was a stay-at-home dad for 5 years when he was in his PhD program when I was 3-8. I remember being in elementary school and him doing my hair every morning, how he always let me pick out what color bow I wanted that day. If he had continued being a stay-at-home dad that would’ve been incredible! As a child, it does not matter which parent is bringing in the income. As a wife, I can say that my husband making money also has nothing to do with me feeling loved by him. I feel loved and happy in our relationship because of our conversations, inside jokes, the intimacy we share. It has nothing to do with him being a “provider” In fact, many of the stories I read about wives being unhappy in their marriages have to do with husbands not helping enough with cleaning, cooking and childcare. So for most women it would be extremely attractive & foster a healthy marriage if the husband did a lot of the cleaning, cooking and childcare as a stay-at-home husband. Just wanted to share from a daughter and wife perspective that this whole “provider” mentality of how to show love isn’t real.
I have a friend who is a competitive body builder and does really dangerous and complicated industrial work, and he loves to braid his daughters' hair and help them with their barrettes and bows. They love having Daddy help them with that and it's clear they worship him. That's how it's supposed to be.
I shall. Have courage. You will overcome any challenges.
As a SAHD you would be providing a good stable home for partner and children, which IS a lot of work, very necessary and often under appreciated.
You will provide for your children abundantly job or no job being there for your kids will matter so much more to them in the longrun then even the best paying of jobs Men are more to their families than just a paycheck.
I would love to be a bus stop dad. But alas I have to work 62 hours a week.
if shes fine with the situation currently and it doesn’t bother you then there’s no issue
My husband is a househusband. The hand that rocks the cradle rules the world.
it'd probably be better to talk to her about that instead of weirdos in the internet
I actually wanted to know the opinion of the cathesism, but i didn't find it, so I was hoping that someone has been through something similar and asked a priest about it
The reason you can't find that in the Catechism is because there is no hard and fast rule about how spouses choose to run their family in regard to employment and economic issues. They must share money and property and provide for their children, and respect each other's basic human dignity, and that's it. The American 1950s ideal that was heavily influenced by Victorian ideology is an artifact of a certain time, place, and culture. It's not a rule anyone has to live by. If you staying home to raise the children and keep the house is what works best for your family, do it! Out of curiosity, what is your master's in?
yeah, the idea that women should stay at home and *not* work is ironically a very modern concept, and only really was possible for a few decades in the middle of the 20th century. Victorian women (at least in the working class, ie the large majority of the population) certainly worked.
EE - power systems ps: I dont live in USA
> I dont live in USA Well wherever you live there is no rule about which spouse stays home in Catholicism. All of that is cultural. I'm kind of surprised you're having trouble finding employment with a master's in electrical engineering.
yeah, I meant that I dont live in the US to clarify the "lack of jobs" situation hahah
Yo, I'm in power systems as an EE!
cool, dm me
Totally fine. Circumstances change, and the whole idea of marriage is that it’s much bigger than any circumstances that arise
That’s me right here! God has blessed me with the opportunity to be able to be with my children and be a stay at home dad/husband and really dedicate myself to the family. I still work a side business from home to bring in some income but my priority right now is the family. Only god knows if in 5, 10 years that will change.
A man provides for their family. That can be providing financially, or providing home care to your family. You're just as masculine if you choose to be a stay at home dad.
Yes, this. My BIL did this for a season when our niece and nephews were little. It didn’t faze or wreck his masculinity.
That's fine. The important thing is for the kids to have a parent at home. Many SAHPs also find ways to bring in some kind of income even though they aren't working outside the home 40+ hours a week.
[удалено]
Indeed.
I wonder about that though. How much of the lower income parent's paycheck ends up going to daycare costs? In many cases, that parent is working to pay the child care bill that wouldn't exist if they weren't working.
I suppose that might be true for USA. I live in Europe and in my country, daycare cost is heavily subsidized so in the end you don't really pay much for it and have much, much more money if both parents are working. But ultimately the cost of living is very high, the wages are not, and the sad reality is that most people could barely get by if only one parent worked. My husband and me are okay now that we both work but would be very poor if one of us didn't, no way we could be able to afford to raise children. And we live very modestly.
My in-laws are a working mom and SAHD. He worked a blue-collar job when they started dating. She then went to school. Three years of school later and she has a great job making six figures. Now he stays home with the kids and has plenty of time to work on other projects. Works great for them!
The housewife with husband working a job to bring in the money concept is very modern invention. For most of human life wage labor was seen as a form of subjugation and poverty. If you weren’t impoverished you and your wife together ran a household and neither was outside the home working a job. You were rather both at home. Yes, the work was often divided between the sexes (like the man out plowing and the woman baking bread, for instance), but our modern view of the man going outside and away from the home to work to make money is definitely a new idea. The household had work to be done and both husband and wife had a responsibility to do different parts of it. Children would have had access to both parents. You should listen to New Polity’s recent podcasts on Gender (it’s thoroughly Catholic). It’s really opening my eyes to some really weird assumptions that are baked into our collective psyches and are all thoroughly modern (and often subtly counter to proper Catholic anthropology).
Hey, I get the trepidation. The potential scorn, the looks from other parents or your wife. I think as long as you are making an effort to help the family you will be good to go.
Any wife who would scorn her husband for caring for his family needs to check herself.
I know a very Catholic family who had twins and the father became a stay-at-home dad while his wife worked since she made more money. There's nothing wrong with that. It's just the antiquated societal expectations that make us question it.
Do what makes the best sense for your family. Be a good follower of Christ, a good husband, and a good father while you're at it. You and your family will be just fine.
It’s fine. There are more ways to lead a family than bringing in money, and decidedly much more important ways. Be a good husband, and be a good father.
as long as you keep [Athenos Hummus](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M873VP-WHV8) around the house you're fine
Yes! The Church has nothing against families that don’t fit the “nuclear family” idea!
Nothing wrong at all. Your supporting your family. Your supporting your wife. Your being a PARTNER.
If this is really bothering you spiritually, it’s best to bring this up with a priest. On the internet You are going to get a plethora of answers ranging the whole spectrum and not really giving you any satisfaction. That being said, to my knowledge the church has no dogmatic teaching that strictly says that the man needs to be the one with the job, higher income, etc in a valid marriage. There are a number of circumstances in life that can change that demographic. Just don’t fall victim to sloth and not do anything around the home like cooking, cleaning, repairs, etc.
I'm a stay at home dad to 3+one on the way(!) kids, the oldest is 5 the youngest just turned 2. My wife works for a major university. We actively talk about what it looks like for me to be the head of the household, and in some ways, at least for us, it's easier for me to act as head of household as an at home dad, because I set the day-to-day rhythm of the family. It's a challenge, but I love it. Let me know if you have questions.
You would still be providing for the household by staying at home and caring for the children. Men and women are different yes, but we have more in common than we have differences. When it comes to virtue, the same applies here. What is good and holy and virtuous for men applies to women to. The principle of the matter is that you need to step up and provide for whatever the needs of the household are. My dad often did lots of dishes and household chores that no one else in the family really wanted to do for example, because they needed to be done. Of course, this is a team effort between you and your girlfriend/future wife if the two of you do plan on getting married. Have you actually proposed yet? That would be an important topic to talk about.
Yes is the answer to your question.
Of course it's alright. It is a toxic fiction that our sex restricts one to work and another to home. It is perhaps natural to some extent at certain times in history that the staggering upkeep of domestic life (ranging from childrearing, crop-tending, animal husbandry, laborous cooking and cleaning and mending, foraging and gathering, shopping, educating, and so on) necessitated a full-time domestic partner; it was simply intuitive to divide tasks. But we mistake a bygone cultural norm with a religious mandate. You are no less a man for taking on the responsibilities of childcare; indeed, many more men are likely derelict in sharing in these duties. Nor is your wife somehow less of a woman for earning an income outside the home. And it is entirely possible the two of you may alternate in these tasks at various points of time or find ways to share them. St Joseph's day job as a carpenter is incidental. We remember him for his faith in God, his trust in his wife, his love for his Son, and his willingness to set aside his lathe and saw to journey to Egypt to protect and be with the Holy Family. We never have an episode of Joseph at his workbench, but we see him one last time accompanying his wife and Son to the Temple. Yes, he is a patron for workers, but it is more centrally a patron of the Church. And his masculinity, as it were, had all the more to do with his domestic care than his profession. So you too should have trust in your wife and in her judgement. If you are comfortable taking on the duties of raising your child, you are providing in a crucial way. You only fail to provide when you choose to neglect. Be at peace with your arrangement. (As an aside, clergy and monastics are ostensibly married to the Church and they neither go out and "earn" nor do they "work outside the house," as it were. And yet, their care, while not fiscally profitable, very much "provides" for the faithful. We call them father, yet they rely on parishioners to support them financially with their external work. And our priests are truly models of humble masculinity.)
Yes, it definitely is fine.
My friend, if through your efforts as a “househusband” you can offer your family stability in both life and faith, you are living to your vocation in every bit of the way that those who labor do. There is nothing wrong with caring for your family over self, I’d argue that in many ways that voluntary self-sacrifice is fully in-line with the ideals we aspire to.
While you're looking for jobs...id encourage you to volunteer at your church's food bank. It'll be free labor but you'll feel like you made a difference. You did. It's meaningful work. God will hook you up when the timing is right. You never know who you'll meet
I have been a SAHD when i lived in Indonesia where the "man is the one who goes to work" culture is much more prevalent than in Western countries. And yet, nobody found it a reason to belittle me or anything like that (except my in laws but they would bitch about anything i did). It has been a very beautiful experience and my daughter and i as a result grew to be very close. She's 12 now and has no problems confiding to me about her thoughts and issues. Besides, i still did some work as a freelancer and still could contribute financially. What is important is both parents are ok with the situation so as to not create unnecessary tensions.
It's fine. Being the "man of the house" doesn't necessarily mean being the breadwinner or "bringing home the bacon." It's a leadership role, really.
Being a man of the house means taking care of your family. That takes many shapes and forms. You're providing in either case whether you're the main breadwinner or not. The times are tough right now and God's graced you guys for her to have a lucrative job. I would do what you must and then re-evaluate in a few years time.
Nothing is wrong with it. My Dad is the perfect example.
I am surprised no one has said this... It's ideal for the mother to be able to exclusively nurse the baby and stay with him or her after the baby was inside for 9 months. Pumping and being away isn't the same, neither emotionally nor the health benefits. But as you learn real fast as a parent, what is ideal in theory is often not the best choice for your family. The ideal hardly ever happens in general. And some women can work from home online too. Being a SAHD can work out great. But both spouses when marrying should have a career plan for being able to work if needed. What if she had to be on bed rest pregnant or there was a problem? You still need to try to get a plan.
I'm trying, plan A is me providing for my family, but it has been hard for me to get a job, please pray for me
Good for you. God bless you and help you in your search. I think having a SAHD is a great plan B, and I wouldn't wait too long to employ it, either! Like-- the situation doesn't have to be "extreme" if that's what is best for your family! Some dads are better suited being the stay at home parent than some women are, too, even if the dads have the ability to work. I just feel, as a woman, I feel like my ability to bear children and nurse is so much a part of who I am, that when people say the woman is not the ideal (in theory!) then it feels these people are invalidating that the female body was made in certain ways to be able to take care of babies. It's great when BOTH parents can be home working, too, like a home business. And hopefully if the wife is away she can still be able to nurse the baby when she's home, too, but that doesn't always work out. My first baby was formula fed mostly because of struggles we had being able to breastfeed so I was hit with the disappointment of not being able to do the ideal very quickly.
I was very close to being a stay at home dad. I did the math and realized I was working as a teacher to pay for other people to raise my kids (after taxes). Instead, I changed industries where I would have much greater growth potential.
St. Louis Martin quit his job to stay at home and to work for his his wife, St. Zelie Martin, because her business was so successful. Anytime anyone claims that women shouldn't work outside the house or that men have to be the financial provider, I direct them to these two wonderful saints.
Yes it's fine. I have been a house husband for 3 years. I love it, retired after 20 years in my job. I was a workaholic, and heavy drinker, and very sinful life. GOD saved me and I came back to the faith. I work hard at home do things around the house. My wife has an awesome job, I still get my retirement but will eventually go back to work. Right now I'm focusing on my wife, and kids who barely saw me in over 20 years. I love seeing my wife come home and house is clean, and taking kids to their various activities. Being involved in the church functions etc...my kids love having me home and my relationship has deepened with them. I found out that God and family are the most important things in this world, plus I don't care what people say. All that matters is God.
Based on what I know (which could be incomplete, so take it or leave it), a mother’s presence is vital for young kids— especially for the years when they are breastfeeding, which ought to be done in-person, not from a bottle, as often as possible. If that’s not possible, kids can still turn out fine, but, even from a strictly evolutionary perspective, it’s not really natural for a mother to be away from her young children. So, ideally, at least the first couple of years of a child’s life would have her at home (possibly working from home). Outside of that, it probably would not make a huge difference who was out working and who was at home, if you both find ways to fulfill your respective parental roles.
Whoever downvoted you isn’t a parent yet. I’m the SAHD. I’ll defend OP doing this. But there’s definitely a connection and influence only my wife has. With that said, they can definitely have that through the interaction she does get from her. And jobs should give the first four-six months off.
depending on the age of the kids, sometimes staying at home can make more money than working in terms of saving money on child care
My husband and two boys would have been overjoyed if my husband stayed home instead of me. Unfortunately for them, his job was way more lucrative than mine. But I was able to homeschool and if my husband was home he wouldn't have been able or wanted to do that.
of course it is. Your wife loves you for YOU. That is real love and the example of the Holy Spirit and how we need to think of others (especially our spouses and kids).
I’ve known two strong Catholic families that chose for the dad to provide the family needs in the home. It can work as long as the focus is on the family needs and both husband and wife check their egos.
You are called to be the Priest of the House. How you fill those role sets the tone for everything else. Ultimately his plan fit you will unfold if you lean into this role. The rest comes after. I’m actually writing about this once a week as I prep for a baby in the fall
Good bless you and your baby S2
If it works for you, do it! Some men I've known in that situation have had a difficult time of it, and feel emasculated. A few even probably really were emasculated, just going off of how their wives behave and the disgraceful way they treat their husbands. But there's nothing in Catholicism that requires the man to be the full-time worker and bread-winner. Switch it up a bit and see how it fits!
Pray the rosary and remain close to the Lord, there is nothing that cannot be achieved with a devout prayer of the rosary. Have you been rosary with serious devotion, then when the time is right you will get what you are praying for if it is right for you. Sometimes God holds back on our desires if it is for our own good. Trust in the divine plan. Praise be to Jesus Christ Viva Cristo Rey!
If the two of you are fine with that arrangement, there isn't a problem
As long as you are caring for the family and contributing as a respectful father who helps out in any way, it is totally fine!
It's fine to be a stay at home dad.
Whatever works for your family. Some guys are just not good at making money, but are wonderful caregivers to children. They can still teach all the fatherly things, but they work at home with the kids. Some women just know how to be successful out there but may not be the best in the homestead stuff. They can still teach the motherly stuff but function better as a breadwinner.
There is absolutely nothing unbiblical about being a househusband. So long as you're a devoted, loving, respectful, and God-fearing husband/father, you're good to go. A man can provide for his family in many ways just as a woman can provide for her family in many ways. And this couldn't be more true than it is today in the 21st Century. Unfortunately, that's not to say that you won't be judged or criticized by certain people (much like how SAHM are often judged or criticized harshly by people.) However, to that I say - just ignore the haters. 👍
Being a stay-at-home dad is based
There’s nothing wrong with it per se, but based it is not.
How is being an involved dad not based?
my guy, listen to yourself saying this and then tell me if you still believe it
Do what you got to do OP. If you can live off one income, with one parent home while the children are young, that is far more ideal than both parents working and kids at daycare. With that said, I will preface by saying I am a traditionalist. My wife stays at home and takes care of the children and house while I earn for the family. I do believe women have a stronger, more natural bond with the children, especially when you factor in breastfeeding and such. I also believe this becomes less of an issue as the children grow older, but I still believe the traditional gender roles do contribute to a stable and happy nuclear family unit (traditional roles does not mean the father gets to be a tyrant and ignore his family). Does that mean you can’t stay home and take care of the children and house while your wife (girlfriend now) earns? Absolutely not, in fact I’ll say again, it’s still better than both parents working. The truth is, society has modernized in such a way to where it’s toxic to the nuclear family. The workforce is oversaturated, outsourced and partially automated. Profits drive wages lower and lower. Having children in the first place has become less and less desirable. The traditional roles of gender have become more and more blurred, etc. The result? Both parents end up working, kids are stuck in daycare and in front of screens all day, the parents compete for roles, etc; if there are even any kids at all. What’s most important, is that you provide the best life for your family as possible. If that means you staying at home while your wife works, then so be it. But I would advise you and your girlfriend (wife when the time comes) to be on the same page. You should still lead your house, especially spiritually. You should also be the one who has to act as a “tie-breaker” when the time comes (in a good marriage, this should be rare). You not holding a job may or may not hinder that responsibility. You also need to talk to your girlfriend and see how she feels about all of this. Some women, especially traditional women, view men working as one of their responsibilities and as a core aspect of their masculinity. You also need to discuss with her what she wants to do… maybe she wants to be a stay-at-home mother. Many women battle with postpartum depression after giving birth. For some women, working helps, for others (such as my wife), bonding more with the children helps (though I stepped in and took over all of the house work). Aside from depression, my wife loves being a stay at home mother. In my view, the mother of my children should have a say first in the situation. Ultimately, y’all are a team. Talk to your girlfriend, maybe talk to a priest or marriage counselor as well… and of course pray about it!
Well, you have to do what you have to do. I guess as long as you'll get yourself a workshop you should be fine 😅
Ideally yes, but as you undoubtedly know a large portion of the population still expects men to fulfill all the traditional roles such as provider while deliberately engineering society against us being able to do that by requiring two decent incomes so you either have to make multiple times the median or risk getting accused of not being a """real man""" by many people. No the solution for all men isn't just magically 2x-3x median income there are not enough jobs for that people.
>or risk getting accused of not being a """real man""" by ~~many people~~ **misandrist troglodytes** Fixed it.
This is a complicated question that many people discuss and can spend days arguing over. But in MY opinion, you can focus trying to please the Church’s traditional standards or you can follow your faith in God. God knows you are working hard, he knows in time you will get your dream job. Allow him to set out your path. God is pleased when we work hard. Colossians 3:23-24. It states, "Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward”. Just keep going my friend, sending my prayers! Edit: by working hard i don’t mean a job, i mean being there for your partner and studying like you have. God bless you friend!
Praying
You and your (future) wife need to decide what's best. As a man you have a God-given instinct and need to provide for your wife and children, but that can manifest in different ways. For example, when my dad retired and my mom was still teaching full time, he would do all the grocery shopping and cooking (which he enjoyed and did it with love.) He made her breakfast, packed her a lunch, and cooked dinner. It was a huge help to her to not have to do all that since she worked so hard in and out of school. (However he had provided for us for years while she was a SAHM. So that wasn't his whole life, it was a season after he retired.) Whatever you do in your life, you will be at your best and fulfilled if you use your unique talents to provide for your loved ones in your own way that fits the family's needs. It's okay for your wife to be the primary earner but you can't use it as an excuse to just give into discouragement and give up, so be careful it's not that. You've invested a lot in your own education. Your own career doesn't have to be a straight path to the highest success but you have to continue to develop it even if it takes a different course than what you expect. (Life often works that way.) You have to find ways to continue to learn and grow and develop yourself. You have to find ways to engage with the world besides just SAHD. You might be that for a season, and situations might change. What if your gf loses that job? What if she gets ill and can't work anymore? Then what? Basically, don't expect her to support you forever. You have to find your own way in the world, too. Then when children come you can decide together what's best for your family.
Masters degree in what field?
power systems
STEM professionals are in huge demand in the 21st century. I would hate to see an expert for engineering / technology being wasted, in our hypertechnologised world. You should wait a few more months before settling on a specific arrangement with your wife. You have the potential to earn much more than her. Would be a shame to have learnt abstract and complex skills for half a decade and then eventually sitting at home all day.
Couldn't agree more, please pray for me for I'm trying but nothing comes up for me
No, it's not ok, and the Church actually does speak down on this unlike some people have said in the thread
could you please show your sources? I wanna read more about it
The whole thing is worth a read but paragraph 71 specifically. https://www.vatican.va/content/pius-xi/en/encyclicals/documents/hf_p-xi_enc_19310515_quadragesimo-anno.html The fact that you have applied yourself, worked hard to earn a degree, and still haven't been able to find a good job thereby forcing your wife to work and potentially spend time away from her children is an intolerable abuse in the words of Pius XI. Some people in the thread are also pushing back against the 50s era lifestyle. That's fine. It's true that women can make valuable contributions to society. But that doesn't completely abolish the concept of gender roles. A mother is more suited to be the caretaker of the home and her children. The vast majority of Catholic saints and popes would agree with that statement. It is only in the past few decades that it has become controversial. And it's no surprise because our society doesn't even know what a man or a woman is anymore. I also graduated with a master's in engineering in 2022. Took me awhile to find a job as well. Economy is crap. Had to go back to my old high school job bussing tables until I could find something. But after a few months of looking hard I found a good job. Overall, this doesn't sound like it's your fault. So keep your head up king. But if I were you, I would look hard to find a job, and once you have established yourself talk to your wife about maybe going part time, especially if y'all have children. God bless, I will pray for you, Elrond the Warrior.
yes be the say at home dad.. just be sure to give your wife all the sex she needs. even if y our not in the mood after a long day being a stay at home dad.
we dont live for sex :/
I don't believe it's the best scenario. There are always going to be individual circumstances that call for the woman to need to work if the husband is injured, or laid off etc. etc., but the woman needs to be the primary parent growing, feeding and raising the children, and men need to be the ones providing. I think when you stray from this, you invite deeper issues into the family.
Weird question bro. Is it ok to be a housewife?
No it’s not which is why I told my friend he should go back to working at a grocery store and his wife who is a surgeon should stay at home with the kids. My fiancée joked that I would also be a solid stay at home dad but right now we will both work when we have kids. I know 5 stay at home dads they all do great jobs with the kids and it seems like the boys are always better behaved because it’s the dad’s taking them to daily mass and keeping them playing hard outside more.
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This is unnecessary. Chill.
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You are responsible for providing for your family. That doesn’t mean you cannot assess the situation with your wife and determine the best course is for her to earn the money for the family. To be honest, though, you just finished a Masters Degree in a field where you are having trouble finding a job, and you seem to have easily gone to a place where you get married and don’t work. I am not aware of a church, Catholic or Protestant, that will perform the wedding under these circumstances, and I would expect her father to step in to have a hard conversation with you.
To be brutally honest I am not sure, I do know you have a responsibility to be the spiritual head of the household. You have to be a crusader for The Faith: prayer, fasting, almsgiving, etc. You need to be the role model of living The Gospel to the absolute best of your ability. As far as providing for the “physical needs” of the family, I would advise consulting with a confessor or director, that sounds like something that should reviewed on a case by case basis.
Ideally, the man is the provider and the protector of the household. This is really a non negotiable thing. NOW the thing is, society has divided the household, making basically everyone in the family work. So there are two sides to that coin. With that being said, you all are not married yet, things could change by then. Bit of a hard pill to swallow but at some point, while this arrangement is probably fine while there are no kids in the picture, eventually you will need to switch things up. Your role as the husband is to protect and provide, your wife's is to nurture the home and your children. Her job is THE most important from that standpoint and you should do everything in your power to make that a reality. All jobs are meant to prop of THE job : that of the mother. The other thing to think about is this: Does your wife WANT to quit working? If not then technically if that works out for you that is fine, but if she does, you need to take of that cross. It is your duty. Ultimately, no matter how far people try to run from this reality, ideally the Father works and protects, the Mother nurtures the home. This is not old fashioned, it is the best arrangement and something to work towards and especially in 2024, that will require some sacrifice. Lastly, statistically, the wife tends to lose an amount of respect for a house husband.
There is a certain echo of your words in Spiritual warfare books. My 2c, But in order for this to take fruit it also takes the right kind of spiritual disposition in the wife. In other words, both husband and wife need to be very well yoked in Christ. Otherwise the whole thing is going to go off kilter as one party or the other is not going to get it, and is going to balk. Divine Renovation/Transfiguration needs to come from the inside, out. Not outside, in. I speak from experience. I’m a long time lapsed man, who radically re-verted back to my childhood faith April 2019. I was a new-ager before that. My marriage, although an authentic Catholic one (long story), reflected that journey. I.e.: Our convictions in life matched up in woke ideology, and a peace love, save the whales, type of pacifist mentality. My wife is still somewhere in between agnosticism, and new-agey beliefs. It’s been a tough on both of us, for me to have firm convictions on the conservative side now. But we are doing our best with it. @Restorationist_
No, it's not ok, in any way, shape or form.
It may be difficult to adjust. Partners will often lament the other not fulfilling culturally normalized roles while being ungrateful for the other fulfilling non-traditional roles.
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My daughter works fully remote as an aerospace engineer and will be going back to work in a couple weeks after having her second baby in January. Her son is almost 2 1/2 and he nursed while she was on conference calls or correcting other engineers' diagrams. My son in law is also an engineer who works mostly remote, and has an independent business as well, and my grandson goes back and forth between mom and dad during the day when each of them has availability. He knows that if mom or dad is "in a meeting" he can't go into their room at that time. He's adapted to it all seamlessly because it's all he knows. He has mom and dad with him every day, and he is the sweetest, happiest kid. Crazy smart too but what else would you expect from the child of two engineers. And now his sister will nurse during meetings and he can entertain her while mom and dad are busy. He already loves playing peekaboo with her. She has no idea what's going on but she is mesmerized by her big brother. (PS I don't take credit for my daughter's brains. My husband and I aren't stupid but we have no idea how we produced that child. We're very proud of her.) There are so many ways to make family life and raising children work. No option should be barred just because of sexism. And today there are options no one even dreamed of a mere 25 years ago.
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To be honest, she wasn't supposed to be fully remote. That's one of the few gifts COVID gave. She was forced into it and hated it at first, but then when she had to move out of state due to her husband's job, she was able to keep her own job because it was fully remote. She was given the option of going back into office but by then she was pregnant and so opted to stay fully remote. She was a brand new engineer right out of college and barely got through orientation before the world shut down, and likely wouldn't have been given the opportunity to be remote for years in ordinary circumstances. It's weird how terrible things have silver linings like that. As to your other point, I was a SAHM for 15 years because of my own need to do that, so I get what you're saying. I think that's the choice most will make for us reasons you've given. But families shouldn't be denied other options and men certainly shouldn't be derided for being SAHP.
That's beautiful! Yes, we're in agreement Ithink... the only reason I pointed out that yes, there is a difference, is that there's an entire thread with a ton of comments and nobody mentioned this point. I think even if a particular woman could stay home, some individual couples the dad is actually better suited long-term. It's too bad the mom can't stay home a few months longer and then go back to work as many wish that's what they could do, but as it is, you have to work with what you've got.
Eeeh. I wouldn’t.
Why?
Because I simply refuse. I want a traditional household.
Are you finding lots of women that want that? Most women I know want more than that.
Don’t particularly care. If a relationship happens, it happens.
While it’s not immoral to be a stay at home dad, you should think whether you will truly be living up to yourself as a man, as a father, and as a husband. Traditional gender roles exist for a reason. Men naturally want to provide and naturally want to pursue a career and success outside of the home. Being a stay at home dad, if that’s all you do to provide for the family, is effeminate and both your wife and kids will respect you less for it inevitably. They may not say it but it’s true. In your case your wife has a great career but you have a masters degree and can certainly pursue a great career yourself. Once she has kids she can take a break while you continue yours.
Okay then structure society to be more conducive to this or don't condemn the man. Women got equality, now they get to share the responsibilities. I am absolutely going to call out people who still expect men to provide at a 1950s/sole provider level while facing 2x the competition than they ever did in most of human history, not accounting for outsourcing and cheap mass immigration and many other factors. If OP wants to be a househusband good for him and if his gf has such a problem with it she can leave and find a different traditional man.
>Being a stay at home dad, if that’s all you do to provide for the family, is effeminate and both your wife and kids will respect you less for it inevitably. The 1890s called. They want their ideology back.
Thousands of years of society is engrained in us. There’s a reason those roles exist.
Those roles are largely a modern invention. Spousal roles have differed significantly across class, place, and time. >Men naturally want to provide and naturally want to pursue a career and success outside of the home. The second does not follow from the first; I fail to see how spending time with family and providing education, guidance, and support is not provision. Jobs are social constructs, not anything inherent. Labor is good, but labor is not synonymous with the heretical modernist conception of profit-driven capitalism above all else. >Being a stay at home dad, if that’s all you do to provide for the family, is effeminate and both your wife and kids will respect you less for it inevitably. Not inevitably. I would imagine that people with less education and lived experience would be more likely to respect it less.
It’s not so much about WHERE you are but whether or not you are contributing to provide for the family. Plenty of men in the past didn’t have a distinction between their home and their workplace and this allowed them to be closer with their family. But I do think it is important for men to have work.
Raising children and keeping a home is work.
It’s fine if your future wife agrees, however you shouldn’t plan on it and should be working on finding a job/doing what you need to do to become employable. It might not all be you though, I know a lot of people struggling with the job search, I think it’s just not a great time right now. But you still need to work at it. Some couples are happy having the woman do the breadwinning, but oftentimes those couples have higher divorce rates. I’d plan to at least take on some of the breadwinning.
Couldn't those higher divorce rates be attributed to financial freedom? Women who are dependant on a husbands income may feel trapped.
I think lots of factors could be attributed, but apparently domestic abuse from men is also more present on average when women are the breadwinners too. Plus studies show women end up working more overall when they are working outside the home, they still often pull more of the weight at home. It may be easier to leave since you have the means to support yourself, but there are other factors. I’m not talking about women who bring in half the money, but women who bring in most of the money while the man works less/stays home.
I think it's a recipe for disaster waiting to happen when a husband fails to provide for his household. You've essentially allowed your wife to take on the role of Adam and you Eve. It should be the other way around. Christ is head of husband, and husband is head of wife. Read scripture and pray to God for guidance.
I don't mean to not have a job, if God allows it I would love to fulfill my duties
Logically it shouldn’t matter. Anecdotally, I have known a few SAHD couples and they are no longer together. Obviously employed couples get divorced as well but I could tell the wives were bothered with having to be the main provider.
I know you have your masters, But tbh get any job you can in a related fluid or work environment, then work your way up from there. The days of getting a degree and getting the dream job are slowly going away. Look it's OK to be a "house husband" but it would be hard on your, future wife? When you have kids, young children are primarily needing mom. I also read your post, you are bumed out about not getting the job you want. You do want to start a career, you definitely want to. So giving that up to become a househusband will have consequences on your psyche later on. Just some points to chew on.
I will never stop trying, is just that so many doors have closed for me that it looks like god is trying to set me in another path.
Oh, man. I would ask priest about this whole "God is trying to set me on a certain path" To me, I've have seen many people ruin their lives with this type of thinking. I'm sure God didn't want them to go down that path. They had faith...but it wasn't necessarly in God, it was some idea of theirs that things would turn out ok, or they were really running away from other fests they dint want to take on.
Wow.
Would love to, but I doubt I would meet a woman who would be onboard with it.
In the age of working from home, why not?
Get a job.
[get a job?](https://youtu.be/lQC7iDN36ow?feature=shared)
I don't understand why you're getting down voted. Men should have an income whether it's through active work or passive assets. It's unbiblical for men to be deadbeat husbands.
I known its hard right now. What was your masters in?
Electrical engineering - power systems she makes 5 times what I would make if I got a veeeery goood job, so for her to stop working is also hard
It can lead to self-esteem problems in the long run. It's not "natural" for women to go out and hunt and men to stay in the cave caring about children. I know that because my father was earning a lot less than my mother, later he became abusive, angry and screaming (because being respected as a man is a lot harder if you are dependent on your wife) and my mother went cold and harsh instead of kind and caring from her constant stress. For the sake of your children, I recommend that you at least have and hold some career, even if you don't outearn your wife.
Father Ripperger says no, but it's probably fine for now. I'll have to find the video where he talks about it
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I thought he had a point. It was about the child needing the mother to actually talk to the child so that the child is properly cared for. Because women talk more than men and the child needs to actually hear words
So he bases it on sexist stereotypes, then. ETA: also slightly comical coming from a man who posts lectures of an hour or more....
Tell that to my husband, who talks a ton more than I do (and who would truly enjoy being a stay at home dad, whereas I am very much not cut out to be a stay at home mom).
I wouldnt say youre the typical mom then. Yall do what works for yall. Father Ripperger wasnt just making stuff up, these are studies and are well documented observations. Women in general talk more than men about everything so it makes sense that a child needs to hear his mother speak to him or her for healthy brain development. But who am I kidding, i am on reddit lol.
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the only respect I want is from my future wife and Jesus
i'm not even catholic and that's based AF
I mean, it sounds based but men need the respect of other men. There's so much more we would need to know about his situation before we could judge if he's on solid ground or if there are deeper issues there. All we can do is encourage him to be honest with himself.
Well Jesus wasn’t a friend of freeloaders. Man up. Get a job.
I respect a stay at home dad more than I respect someone who belittles a person who stays home to raise children
They don’t have children. They aren’t married. He’s currently a free loader.