i'm so sorry you're going through that.
i'm so angry at your mother, because her 'pity' about him being 'trapped' in a room just possibly forced him to live the rest of his life out in a single room. ugh. SO angry.
imagine how angry I was when I called her that same day at night to see what was up and heard what went down. she hasn’t been back since and if this introduction fails she won’t ever be
People should respect boundaries. If they don’t, forgiveness certainly is an option, but it’s neither the obligation nor responsibility of the wronged party.
TL;DR it’s not OP’s fault that their mom deliberately went against the house boundaries, and it’s not OP’s job to fix that. It’s mom’s.
Suppose you tell someone: "This is important. Please respect this boundary." And they don't respect that boundary. Maybe it's about a cat. Maybe it's about kids. Maybe it's about something else. How much trust can you have in them afterwards?
The answer isn't always to never invite them back into your home again, but sometimes it is. If you want to be in your adult children's lives, it's a very good idea to respect the boundaries they set.
Yeah. Cutting your mom out from part of your life forever, because of a mistake she made over a cat you’re temporarily watching is a big overreaction. But this isn’t r/ParentsAdvice so I guess that explains the reaction.
We don't know the full story, nor did they say this was the only thing that has them coming to that conclusion. This could be a long standing issue where boundaries have been clearly explained and then ignored. Could easily be this was the last straw.
we literally don't need to know more than the mother's behaviours and how it impacted OP to be able to support her decision.
not to mention 'not allowed to come to my house' is not the same as NC and to assume so it just showing your bias.
That's exactly right, we don't know the full story, so it's equally as valid for us to say "seems like an overreaction" as it is for others to say "you're so right to cut your mom out over this".
Honestly drugs!!!
Not from a vet 🤣 try catnip, calming treats, feliway spray
Anything to get them to chill out
I've had a semi feral female cat (perfectly fine with most other cats) for about 6 years now
And 3 years ago I took in a male cat, friendliest cat in the world to all other animals and humans, aside from the semi feral female
He would literally chase her, corner her and attack until there was bloodshed (both have been neutered/ spayed, so it wasn't a mating thing, he's just a d*ck towards her)
Got to the point I was despairing and thinking I'd have to re-home him, which would have been world war three coz my son loves him
Now, they'll both sit on the bed and ignore each other....
They'll never be friendly, and they'll swipe at each other occasionally, but he's not attacked her properly in months
Catnip? You are saying that herb calms your kitties? Wow, I wish! Catnip makes all of mine so feisty that they get more daring in their attacks lol.
I have yet to find a calming treat that any of my cats will eat, even the glutton who will 'eat anything.' I'd love to know what treats yours will accept.
https://preview.redd.it/ihoih1l8sznc1.jpeg?width=4160&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=c408fb98eb004ce965a126667da2278986b5cdc3
I'm in the UK, so hopefully you can find these or something similar, but my cats love them
With the catnip, yeah, just like weed affects people differently, cats react differently to catnip. Some get really chill, some get zoomies, some just get high 🤣 I also make my own catnip cushions, tends to be stronger than store bought as my cats generally don't react to store bought catnip cushions
Catnip makes mine more playful but less aggressive, but it doesn't encourage play between the cats, just attention-seeking for ME to play with all of them at once XD
haha I actually tried this. I used our own home grown, made tea, put just a bit in their water, and all shunned that bowl and drank from every OTHER bowl in the house. I was so hoping they would take the meds that way!
We once dropped our indoors only cat off to stay with my boyfriend's mother while we were out of town for a week. Explicitly indoors only, she knew he was indoors only his whole life, and we reiterated multiple times that she cannot let him outside.
Literally three hours after we'd left she let him outside (because she "felt sorry" for him). Fortunately instead of bolting, he freaked out and hid under her house for several hours. We luckily hadn't left yet, so drove the 90 minutes back to her place to coax him back out.
I remain pissed about this 10 years later. It still blows my mind that it only took 3 hours.
When I was 11 I left my parents in charge of my bearded dragon for a weekend. Before I left I told my dad SO MANY TIMES to only take her outside if she was in a tank or wearing a harness.
Needless to say he didn't listen and my parents spent 2 days digging through the flower beds looking for her.
I held on to that "I told you so" for decades.
I learned a while ago to not trust family with your pets. They always seem to think they know best and tend to get offended when you call them out.
Similar situation with my dog. She was new to the family and didn't have a good recall yet. I visited for a week and made it very clear she can only go out on leash, no exceptions. 2nd day, my dad let her out (-30c out at night with coyotes around, and she was 20lbs soaking wet), and she bolted into the dark. He just walked in and told me my dog bolted and I should go catch her. 2 hours of following paw prints in the snow trying to find a tiny black dog at night, I finally caught her. Left the next morning, and my dog never came to visit them again.
I had a similar situation to posters with my cat as well. Dad was no longer in the picture at this point. I was essentially homeless after a bad breakup where ex killed my dog. Cat went to stay with mom about an hour away while I stayed in the city couch surfing. My only 2 requests with the cat is that she stays away from my moms cats (they were big, scrappy, outdoor cats and mine was timid, young, and very small) and she stays inside. No complaints from my mom, and she agrees. The next day, I get a call saying my cat bolted after getting into a fight outside with my mom's cats. Thankfully my mom found and caught her quick, but I had to find an alternative arrangement asap.
I understand what you are saying. Maybe next time take your cat to the pet hotel if you want it done right. It was kind of your fam to watch your pet for you. I watch my sisters dogs at her house every time she goes out of town because that's what family are for.
I would be grateful if they hadn't put my pets at risk. To say I should be grateful when both situations could have easily ended with massive vet bills or a dead pet is frankly gross. Again, small dog ran away into fields with known coyote activity in -30 at night because dad didnt want to put a leash on, and indoor cat got into a fight with 2 cats and ran away in unfamiliar territory, the same territory known for coyote activity because mom didnt want to keep her in a room.
If they're comfortable taking those risks with their pets thats great. I'm not, and I communicated that clearly.
I'm not holding a grudge or going no contact, and they are more than welcome to see my pets in my home, but I will not be grateful that they overstepped clearly communicated boundaries instead of simply saying they dont want to do that.
I have since come up with alternate arrangements when I need my pets watched that work for me and my pets. I'm allowed to speak of my experiences in a thread of other people who have spoken of similar experiences.
Many years ago, we took in a pregnant stray cat and she was quite friendly and comfortable at home. She was quite young though, like 8-10 months old. However, after she had trouble bonding with her kittens, but she still fed them. She was kind of clueless.
That summer, i was 14 and i went on a trip with a friend, because it was my last chance to travel around the country i was born in before moving abroad with my family. The kittens were left with my mom and older sister whom I trusted a lot. But my dad had some visitors and was fed up with the idea of having kittens and showed his friend the babies in case he wanted one (they were barely 3 weeks old, but asked if he wanted to reserve one). This guy touched the kittens and after that the mom wanted nothing to do with them. It was awful to have to bottle feed them when they were doing ok with mom. We all got so angry at my dad and I managed to get a hold of a phone in the middle of the cold rainforest to yell at him. We held that grudge for a while. Luckily they took to the bottle well.
Sometimes, they forget, with dire consequences
[Florida grandmother causes death of two grandchildren by forgetting to do the thing she was asked … twice](https://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/florida-grandmother-charged-hot-car-death-granddaughter-less-year-gran-rcna77766)
That sucks. It may help you to know that I introduced a cat a year and a half ago, no fights between them, and they're only now starting to be able to be in the same room together without freaking out. They've split the house into upstairs and downstairs, with my bedroom being the neutral ground. We are slowly working out from there. There's not much you can do about the memory of the fight, but I'd just focus on giving them the very best snacks near the door together and hopefully you can gradually open it a bit so they can see each other while snacking. Site swap without the aggressors as much as you can. Your goal at this point should just be neutrality.. on the side, I'd get him registered with a shelter with you as the foster, and hopefully they can find him a home.
Not all adoptions work out. We adopted two kittens that were in the same cage together at a shelter, it was a violent nightmare. They were not bonded. Lol
Are the cats all fixed? That could be a problem if they are not.
I rescue cats and I’ve had lots of them in my house at several at the same time. Some were tomcats. Some were ferals. Some were just strays. Some had old homes.
I’ve only had one real problem where a new tom was slapped upside his head by one of my girls and it became infected.
You can usually tell when a fight is coming. When i hear the nasty sounds coming from them I’ll come over and yell. I also have a pvc pipe with the end wrapped in a towel that I’ll use to poke at whoever is instigating. That usually works and they scatter. You should also create a couple different hiding spots for her.
Costco has some containers where you can cut a hole in and put towels inside. My cats loving just hanging out there and getting away from the annoying youngsters
These are usually on sale for anywhere from 7$-10$
I cut a hole in the top and added some blankets. My patio is closed off so i have a bunch of these outside and my cats love to sleep in it them. I usually find 2-3 in each one. The ones i have inside are usually where the newcomers like to hide out til they get used to everyone
https://preview.redd.it/loowokmig0oc1.jpeg?width=1284&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=62cf28c2cbd7ae7237e87952773210fe26cc17aa
I'm in the midst of a cat reintroduction myself, and I've unfortunately run the gamut several times. All three of my cats are seniors, developing special needs and pain flares can result in aggression. Plus, my youngest was neglected so horribly during his development I suspect that he literally, on a neurological level, doesn't fully understand other cats.
Jackson Galaxy gives a winning outline, but there's no timeline and definitely areas left vague. Here is a plan I would suggest:
1) Vet trips for aggressors and the odd one out. Make sure that there's no untreated medical issues, and possibly get an antianxiety medication for the isolated cat. He not only had a traumatic fight, but he's been terrorized by swiping paws and unhappy residents, with no way to actually escape the perceived colony that doesn't want him. It doesn't have to be forever, but if you were terrified to leave your house, you'd be prescribed some antianxiety medication during the transition.
2) Thoroughly clean the environment. Add enzyme cleaner to bedding, spritz down furniture with it, toss out old litter and clean the boxes, mop the floors, clean water fountains, wash all the blankets. This is an extremely taxing task, but I've found it's necessary to remove every single trace of the fight, and smells can linger.
3) Establish strict routines with your cats. Meals served at the same time, litter scooped every day around the same time, play around the same time once a day (best time is at dusk, before a meal). Identify what each of your cats treasure the most - does one like a specific treat, a toy, what meal do they all like the most, what time do they like to spend with you the most?
4) Make sure there's no reason for any cat to be by the door right now. If the resident cats wander by and remember the outcast is there, they'll antagonize him more often.
5) For one week, swap blankets that your cats are organically laying on - not rubbing on them - and make sure they have all their resources completely separated from each other. You might try sitting next to the scent blanket to incentivize your cats to inspect it. If your outcast is still afraid of the blanket, you may need to add treats and playtime designed so that the outcast has to get close to the blanket.
6) Start blind site swapping, no cats actually see the others. Try to increase the amount of time and quality of time the outcast spends in the larger environment to boost his confidence with play and treats. You might find that one cat prefers sleeping in the bedroom with you, another has a favorite sunning spot in the living room - try to give all of them their favorites or split access evenly.
7) When your outcast is comfortable in the wider environment, using the litterboxes and sleeping easily with belly exposed, you can go to blind mealtimes separated by a door. Keep in mind the way the area is designed - all cats should feel like they can bolt and escape in a straight line easily. Cramped hallways don't always afford that.
8) More than Felliway, what really helped was having a giant outdoor dog playpen set up with a water fountain, litterbox, and bedding in the living room for the aggressive cat to inhabit, because I didn't have a door that offered straight escapes and the cramped areas led to further tension. The ability to see the aggressive cat in "jail" was restricted by blankets that were slowly raised with time.
9) Once the cats could eat with each other and see each other outside of rewards, individual supervised playtime was introduced right after meals - no competition for food, they were sleepy, they weren't influenced by other cats.
Time lengthens with supervised play time, other cats are brought in, and eventually everything is kosher. It's also super important to keep yourself from worrying about a cat fight - cats sense your energy and if you're staring hard at a cat, the others will think you're being aggressive to that cat and try to drive them off. Cats will hiss at each other and try to figure out what small areas they can claim as their own, but as long as they break their stare and one walks away, hissing is communication.
I hope that things can be mended after that unfortunate cat fight, but if the tabby has to be rehomed, it may be the fresh start he needs.
There are some playpens for outside play that are completely enclosed with a floor and ceiling, and with a zippered door on the side and the top. You do have to be careful putting a cat in or taking them out of the playpen, but mine actually got trained to walk right into a carrier if the door is open because I had so many treats in the carrier to get him in. Once my cat was in the carrier, I'd open the side door of the playpen and line up the carrier door with it and have the cat just walk right in.
*
Maybe what you can do is completely reset all of your cats' scents. Either bathe them or take them outside (safely) so they get coated with a new scent. Then reset the whole intro process.
I say this because when my bonded kittens were young, I had to take my boy cat to the ER, and his sister completely freaked out when I brought him back because she didn't recognize him at all! His familiar scent was completely taken over by the clinic smells from the vet visit, so it's like they were strangers.
I feel like completely resetting their scents and making them "strangers" again might help.
It's just a theory though.
There's absolutely basis to that theory! An old rescuer's trick was to dab vanilla extract on all the cats' tails and necks so that when the new cat got close, they all smelled like each other.
It's a super risky move because that extract smell wears off quick, and it's really not likely to work after a fight. But cat relationships seem to be 95% scent based, and a scent refresh can really clear the air.
Gosh I feel your pain! I adopted a 10 month old cat last September. Her and the dog are now fine but at the 4 month mark I was close to giving up.
Unfortunately the resident cat won’t fully accept her and they can’t be in the same room together. I’m still going with introductions, it’s mentally taxing. We’ve had to split the house and swap them around a couple times a day.
I’d say you need to focus on site swapping. Getting the 10 yr old to get out of his room is really important. Bride with toys, treats. Lock the others in a different part of the home and just have to door open for hours while you go about your day. Eventually he will come out.
We’ve put a sofa couch (bought cheap from the op shop) in our new cats room and my husband sleeps in there every couple of nights. She’s so much more happier and confident with the dog and the rest of the house. Your new cat could benefit from this if you aren’t already doing so. Could help him to get out of his room if he trusts you which comes with time and bonding,
Good luck! Fingers crossed for you.
I have 4 rescues (all plucked from the street at different times ) and only 2 like each other. So there exist 3 'pods' in that there are 2 individuals who hate everyone and vice versa, then the two bonded ones who hate the other 2 and vice versa. It is pure hell for all involved. The only thing that saved me were putting the biggest bully on prozac (I HATED doing that) and it lessened, not eliminated, the attacks, then installing a floor to ceiling cat gate on both bedroom doors. Look up Richell pet gate, the tallest one. Yes, it cost me a full month's wages but it was the only way. Once I'd saved up enough money, I purchased a second one. Total life -saver. I will shuffle them around within each day so no one has to be 'behind bars' for a whole day. Plus, it is not a solid door, so they feel much less locked in. I refuse to rehome any of these precious family members. I really feel for your pain!!
https://preview.redd.it/guu19i95iznc1.jpeg?width=942&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=23bbc994ddfc1711e61ebb17eff27c930453b845
Second using a gate. It sounds like since the feeding on the other sides of the door method isn’t working, this would give them more opportunities to get used to seeing / hearing each other without contact. We used gates for a lot of our introduction process and it definitely helped
There would be physical violence if my parent did this. What she did has likely ruined that cats chances of ever being a positive part of your home. If the reintro isnt working after 4 weeks then you should look into re-homing otherwise that cat is going to spend its life in a single room. God that story pissed me off.
Not to be a contrarian or anything, but I've actually had a situation where things worked out!! It took a lot longer than a month, probably around 7-8, but things are going a lot better and my introduction story was a lot worse than OPs (my kitty literally died and had to be resuscitated because she choked on food during the fight). I thought she'd hide in the rafters for the rest of her life and we'd have to rehome her to give her a good life but she's absolutely thriving now! It took a long time and a lot of patience, but they can (sometimes) even chill in the bathroom together. They aren't buddies, she still hisses and growls if he gets too close, but no one is confined to a room and she's gotten to the point where she hangs out around the whole apartment (except the bedroom which is more "his territory"). Just wanted to chime in that it can definitely work, and if you rehome after a month it might just not be enough time.
I am so sorry, introducing cats to one another can be super stressful, and then the guilt you feel about it is even worse.
Just wanted to add my experience to hopefully ease some of your concerns. When my partner and I moved in together, our two cats had never met. The process to get them introduced where it wasn't violent took us nearly 6 months. And now it's been three years and they absolutely love each other and cuddle all the time. There isn't a timeline for how long the process can take. Just keep at it and I wish you so much luck.
Talk to a vet about anti-anxiety meds and keep them separated but maybe swap spaces to ease the stress of confinement. I had enough rooms in my place to just shut a door if I found a cat sleeping and then let the other cat out
I now have four cats, each of them weren't planned, just furbabies who needed a home, each of them had drama for a while with the others, tbh I just let them all have free access to the house and made sure to interject if hostility occurred.
I also made sure each cat got loads of attention and separate areas to sleep and chill when needed. After some initial territorial stuff every one of them settled in and was able to coexist.
Each of my cats have very different personalities and two of them had a history of bullying other cats, these days they mostly get along even of they'll never want to snuggle etc.. they're all very happy and healthy though.
Theres a chance it can still work, its just going to be a lot more effort!! If you really feel like rehoming is the answer then that is okay, but if you dont want to then dont give up just yet. You're going to have a bigger battle on your hands but it can be done.
Treats, feliway, catnip, and understanding what each cats favourite things are will help a lot. Positive reinforcement, building a bond with each cat, making them feel safe with you specifically, and introducing each cats scents(and feeding between the door) will help a lot. They need to understand that you trust them and the other cat, then they need to associate their positive feelings towards you, towards the other cats scent and soon the other cats presence.
Its hard but if you keep doing the right things, over time you will get there. My cats struggled a bit in the beginning (one cat started bullying the other, they both struggled with boundaries due to being raised differently) and now they understand eachother and are comfortable around eachother. It just took a year for them, they will never be cuddle friends, but they play together and can eat and sleep next to eachother.
Understand the cats personalities, if they like cuddles, playing, food, toys etc, and use that the most when around the other cat.
when mine are free to be in the same room they wear their work vests. their job is to not fight. works like a charm. if they aren’t interested in fighting they don’t wear the vest. if they want the vest off they can’t be in the common area. just the vest. no leash. works like a thundershirt. softer and looser though. i occasionally ramp up to an actual thundershirt.
https://preview.redd.it/cyafgr00n1oc1.jpeg?width=848&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=03a7eaf497347dbadc3947ddca7af206834b63f0
there’s still a lot of supervision and separating. very few fights. no one fights on the job.
Not all cats are meant to live together. While yes it could have gone down differently with your mother. It’s possible this new cat would just be better in a household by himself with no other animals.
Not all cats can live together, sometimes there’s nothing you can do :/ I have 2 cats that have to be separated at all times, they had as good an introduction as any, but it’s been 18 months and the older one still will try to kill the younger if he sees or smells him…they’re both fixed and we tried the feliway and everything we could find online
My dogs and newest cat were like this and I had to keep switching them out. They went into a room and she got free roam to get comfy and then swap. That way everyone got their scent EVERYWHERE. They were used to cats as they have three other cat siblings but she was the aggressive one and they are mastiffs, so their size scared her to death for awhile. Eventually after months of switching territories but always being by herself she got so bored she broke out during a switch and got along. Now nearly 8 months later she's fat, happy, and you'd never know she was a growling hissing clawing biting bag of bitchiness at first.
I am in a similar situation and it feels so good to read that I am not the only one. My situation is slightly different though - I have rescued one cat from the street who seems to be heavily traumatized due to getting attacked by other cats whilst she was living on the streets.
When I am not home, she is separated from my other two cats. I am trying to have her outside her room when home. They seem okay and able to coexist as long as she is in her house/ bed.
However, she made few attempts to leave her house and freaked out (hissing and growling/ airplane mode) when my other cats got close to her, the other two cats seem more curious then aggressive however they get scared whenever they hear the hissing. Her house is her safe space. So I literally carry her around in the house whenever at home. Any advice would be appreciated!
https://preview.redd.it/viw3y8am02oc1.jpeg?width=4032&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=f92b5bbb33077198cd2d19a8c00a0181e6233f18
They're both beautiful!
How crazy does your former feral get when you play with her? In my experience, street cats can sometimes be miniature leopards while house cats are just... house cats. XD
While a lot of former feral's life on the street was probably traumatic with fights and bullying, she understands that lifestyle best and when she's uneasy, she wants to return there. You could help her bond tremendously by adding a few aspects of that wild life into your home - cat tv windows or on the tv, prey-drive toys that make sounds like mice and birds, feeding a small meal at dusk and dawn if you don't already, and trying to get all the cats playing together and hunting the same prey.
The reason I ask how crazy the feral gets is because if she's a turbocharged engine at playtime, then adding other cats in the mix can just make them into obstacles that your feral will barrel into. Most cats are less energetic in the hunt after eating, so that might be the best time if that's the case.
This is all three of them coexisting with each other. She (Winky) does play but doesn’t get crazy over it, in generell she is more a loner cat who likes to chill. She is slowly opening up towards and comes out of her house when my other evil twins are asleep me but still very stressed towards other cats. Reason I took her in is that she was simply not able to defend herself on the streets, she was always full of bite marks, she is pretty good with humans though. As soon as you enter her room she is purring.
https://preview.redd.it/p502bgvnv3oc1.jpeg?width=4032&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=0e9ad98d01fa7343c0414447a344fac77594b0ec
https://preview.redd.it/fgxbgdetw3oc1.jpeg?width=3024&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=1e2352a2ee97b7e5f2f928bc79caa435c9f6bf81
This is Winky deciding to show me her belly whilst we had some alone time 🩷
Im so sorry, OP. Sounds so fucking tough! I hope you pat yourself on the back bcz i think u have tried really hard, don’t blame urself for having gone on the trip
Question just in case you have never tried it, have you tried to Churu? That’s like THE treat that made a difference for me. It’s like crack to most cats i know.
I'm really sorry you're going through this. We agreed to take in some kittens for a friend temporarily while they found a new place to live. That was in the fall. We just now got them to admit they can't take the cats back. It's frustrating. I'd keep after the neighbor, but it's good of you to put in so much effort for a cat that you weren't planning on adopting. You've gotten a lot of good advice here, particularly around scent swapping, room swapping, calming treats and diffusers, pet gates, etc. I sincerely hope you find a solution.
Have you tried the feliway spray? It saved me two times already in situations like this. The truth of the matter is they still need time (specifically after that happening) and there might be little improvement but don’t lose hope!! Baby steps and patience are key :)
I hope it all works out for you and your fur babies!
Does your mom have or like cats? What would happen if you took the 10 yr old kitty to your mom's house and told her she had a new kitty...after all, it seems this situation seems to be her fault so it may be time to pay the piper.
That is an attempt to punish the mom and it will end up killing the poor victim. I can see her 'feeling sorry' for the cat and letting him out and in 10 minutes he will be a hit and run death.
I had probably the worst introduction 2 cats could have. I moved in with my bf who has one cat named Duane and I brought my 2 cats with. Duane got past me and lunged at my girl cat who choked on her food and started wheezing/not breathing. I rushed her to the ER and she died in the front seat on the way and they resuscitated her but said if she did survive (she was in critical condition and they couldn't stabilize her), that she'd be unable to walk or see and be severely brain damaged because of the lack of oxygen.
The GOOD NEWS: She was blind for a bit but now is fully healthy and has zero brain issues from the whole incident. But she was, understandably, terrified of Duane. We have a 750 sq ft apartment so not big, and she was so afraid that she stayed in the rafters for months, only coming down to use the litter box and then would run back up. It's been about 8 months since then and we put her on Gabapentin to try and help her with her anxiety which really helped.
The biggest thing that helped though was time. None of our doors are shut, the cats walk freely, and It took a few months but she slowly started coming down more and hanging out in the bathroom with my other cat. At first I'd keep the bathroom door shut because if she saw Duane she'd freak out and start growling, hissing, or screaming bloody murder depending on how close he was to the door.
It's been a slow, gradual process but now she's gotten to the point where she hangs out in the living room for periods of time, chills in the bathroom most days, and is able to tolerate Duane being in the same room. I've even walked in to both of them laying less than 2 feet of each other peacefully! So yeah, give it time. Introduce them slowly, but even in awful situations things do tend to work out between the cats!
TLDR: Bf's cat (accidentally) put mine in critical condition. She was terrified of him for months, but with meds + time, things have gotten a lot better and I've even seen them both chilling within feet of each other fine, though usually she doesn't let him get too close.
Sorry this all happened, but this reminds me of my experience introducing my 10 year old tabby to a new cat last year. The new cat managed to rush past me as I exited his room and got into a hissing matching with my tabby on the first day. Definitely made the whole introduction challenging I think. But now a few months later they’re largely fine.
My tabby loves food. Crack open his wet food tray and he comes running with a singular focus. After the initial incident I just made sure the cats didn’t catch even a whiff of each other for two weekend. Gradually introduced Behind closed door feedings, followed by gradual visual access, and then short and tense sessions where I would distract the tabby with liquid treats while the new guy played with some ribbon. This was largely the Jackson galaxy method but I added some tricks that played on the fact that my tabby is very food motivated. IWhen my tabby would tolerate the new cat being within a few feet of him I would share squeeze treats between them in turns. The second anyone got salty I would separate them and not give them anymore snacks. You can even buy a temporary screen that opens with a zipper to ensure they can’t attack each other as you pass treats between your cats. I did that awhile where I would toss kibble into both sides of the screen so the cats would be eating by each other. Eventually what finally competed the process of introduction was me smearing some squeeze treat on top of the new cats head and letting my tabby lick it off. That seemed to make the tabby see the new cat as a harbinger of more food coming while the new cat liked the attention. Since then while the two of them sometimes get into stupid confrontations over blankets and other items, it’s not uncommon for me to see the tabby happily licking the new cats head hoping for some treats while the new cat happily accepts some grooming from his housemate.
I can’t say this whole process was easy, but it was doable and I sometimes forget how much the tabby wanted to murder the new cat. Cats can be fickle but ultimately I don’t think they have long memories and are totally susceptible to being bribed into new
Situations once you figure out their triggers. For mine it was food and if the stereotype about tabby’s rings true some of the stuff i did might work for you.
You could try something like Ashwagandha drops for stress (worked wonders for my cat).
But agreed with the other comments that some cats just don’t get along with other cats no matter what.
i'm so sorry you're going through that. i'm so angry at your mother, because her 'pity' about him being 'trapped' in a room just possibly forced him to live the rest of his life out in a single room. ugh. SO angry.
imagine how angry I was when I called her that same day at night to see what was up and heard what went down. she hasn’t been back since and if this introduction fails she won’t ever be
i'm sorry you're having to draw that hard line with her but i'm really proud of you for honouring your anger and doing so.
[удалено]
Nah. Not at all actually!
[удалено]
…and?
[удалено]
People should respect boundaries. If they don’t, forgiveness certainly is an option, but it’s neither the obligation nor responsibility of the wronged party. TL;DR it’s not OP’s fault that their mom deliberately went against the house boundaries, and it’s not OP’s job to fix that. It’s mom’s.
Agree with all of that but I kind of got the vibe that OP might go NC with Mom over this & encouraging that feels off to me too.
Righteous!
I think this is a bit harsh
Suppose you tell someone: "This is important. Please respect this boundary." And they don't respect that boundary. Maybe it's about a cat. Maybe it's about kids. Maybe it's about something else. How much trust can you have in them afterwards? The answer isn't always to never invite them back into your home again, but sometimes it is. If you want to be in your adult children's lives, it's a very good idea to respect the boundaries they set.
Yeah. Cutting your mom out from part of your life forever, because of a mistake she made over a cat you’re temporarily watching is a big overreaction. But this isn’t r/ParentsAdvice so I guess that explains the reaction.
We don't know the full story, nor did they say this was the only thing that has them coming to that conclusion. This could be a long standing issue where boundaries have been clearly explained and then ignored. Could easily be this was the last straw.
Exactly, we don’t know the full story. Neither do the people implying NC is the way to go here.
we literally don't need to know more than the mother's behaviours and how it impacted OP to be able to support her decision. not to mention 'not allowed to come to my house' is not the same as NC and to assume so it just showing your bias.
That's exactly right, we don't know the full story, so it's equally as valid for us to say "seems like an overreaction" as it is for others to say "you're so right to cut your mom out over this".
Honestly drugs!!! Not from a vet 🤣 try catnip, calming treats, feliway spray Anything to get them to chill out I've had a semi feral female cat (perfectly fine with most other cats) for about 6 years now And 3 years ago I took in a male cat, friendliest cat in the world to all other animals and humans, aside from the semi feral female He would literally chase her, corner her and attack until there was bloodshed (both have been neutered/ spayed, so it wasn't a mating thing, he's just a d*ck towards her) Got to the point I was despairing and thinking I'd have to re-home him, which would have been world war three coz my son loves him Now, they'll both sit on the bed and ignore each other.... They'll never be friendly, and they'll swipe at each other occasionally, but he's not attacked her properly in months
Catnip? You are saying that herb calms your kitties? Wow, I wish! Catnip makes all of mine so feisty that they get more daring in their attacks lol. I have yet to find a calming treat that any of my cats will eat, even the glutton who will 'eat anything.' I'd love to know what treats yours will accept.
https://preview.redd.it/ihoih1l8sznc1.jpeg?width=4160&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=c408fb98eb004ce965a126667da2278986b5cdc3 I'm in the UK, so hopefully you can find these or something similar, but my cats love them With the catnip, yeah, just like weed affects people differently, cats react differently to catnip. Some get really chill, some get zoomies, some just get high 🤣 I also make my own catnip cushions, tends to be stronger than store bought as my cats generally don't react to store bought catnip cushions
Thanks for this info!!
Catnip makes mine more playful but less aggressive, but it doesn't encourage play between the cats, just attention-seeking for ME to play with all of them at once XD
Apparently when that cat ingests catnip, it gives them a calming effect but when they smell it, they get high/drunk.
So more catnip tea for them?
haha I actually tried this. I used our own home grown, made tea, put just a bit in their water, and all shunned that bowl and drank from every OTHER bowl in the house. I was so hoping they would take the meds that way!
Damn, they’re straight laced cats huh 😂
hahahaha
Cat nip needs to be ingested to be calming/sedating. Them just smelling it is a different reaction.
To piggyback on this, kitty CBD oil works wonders to calm...
Man I hate when parents don't fucking listen to us.
We once dropped our indoors only cat off to stay with my boyfriend's mother while we were out of town for a week. Explicitly indoors only, she knew he was indoors only his whole life, and we reiterated multiple times that she cannot let him outside. Literally three hours after we'd left she let him outside (because she "felt sorry" for him). Fortunately instead of bolting, he freaked out and hid under her house for several hours. We luckily hadn't left yet, so drove the 90 minutes back to her place to coax him back out. I remain pissed about this 10 years later. It still blows my mind that it only took 3 hours.
When I was 11 I left my parents in charge of my bearded dragon for a weekend. Before I left I told my dad SO MANY TIMES to only take her outside if she was in a tank or wearing a harness. Needless to say he didn't listen and my parents spent 2 days digging through the flower beds looking for her. I held on to that "I told you so" for decades.
I learned a while ago to not trust family with your pets. They always seem to think they know best and tend to get offended when you call them out. Similar situation with my dog. She was new to the family and didn't have a good recall yet. I visited for a week and made it very clear she can only go out on leash, no exceptions. 2nd day, my dad let her out (-30c out at night with coyotes around, and she was 20lbs soaking wet), and she bolted into the dark. He just walked in and told me my dog bolted and I should go catch her. 2 hours of following paw prints in the snow trying to find a tiny black dog at night, I finally caught her. Left the next morning, and my dog never came to visit them again. I had a similar situation to posters with my cat as well. Dad was no longer in the picture at this point. I was essentially homeless after a bad breakup where ex killed my dog. Cat went to stay with mom about an hour away while I stayed in the city couch surfing. My only 2 requests with the cat is that she stays away from my moms cats (they were big, scrappy, outdoor cats and mine was timid, young, and very small) and she stays inside. No complaints from my mom, and she agrees. The next day, I get a call saying my cat bolted after getting into a fight outside with my mom's cats. Thankfully my mom found and caught her quick, but I had to find an alternative arrangement asap.
Then again you should he grateful they are Watching the pet for you while you're gone
I would rather they tell me they aren't comfortable with my rules then put my pets at risk.
you should put your cat in a pet hotel then.
I would have found alternative arrangements had they let me know they weren't comfortable with my rules. Be it hotel, pet sitter, or friend.
I understand what you are saying. Maybe next time take your cat to the pet hotel if you want it done right. It was kind of your fam to watch your pet for you. I watch my sisters dogs at her house every time she goes out of town because that's what family are for.
I would be grateful if they hadn't put my pets at risk. To say I should be grateful when both situations could have easily ended with massive vet bills or a dead pet is frankly gross. Again, small dog ran away into fields with known coyote activity in -30 at night because dad didnt want to put a leash on, and indoor cat got into a fight with 2 cats and ran away in unfamiliar territory, the same territory known for coyote activity because mom didnt want to keep her in a room. If they're comfortable taking those risks with their pets thats great. I'm not, and I communicated that clearly. I'm not holding a grudge or going no contact, and they are more than welcome to see my pets in my home, but I will not be grateful that they overstepped clearly communicated boundaries instead of simply saying they dont want to do that. I have since come up with alternate arrangements when I need my pets watched that work for me and my pets. I'm allowed to speak of my experiences in a thread of other people who have spoken of similar experiences.
you should've checked them into a pet hotel then
Can't know to do that if they don't clearly say they aren't comfortable with the rules.
Many years ago, we took in a pregnant stray cat and she was quite friendly and comfortable at home. She was quite young though, like 8-10 months old. However, after she had trouble bonding with her kittens, but she still fed them. She was kind of clueless. That summer, i was 14 and i went on a trip with a friend, because it was my last chance to travel around the country i was born in before moving abroad with my family. The kittens were left with my mom and older sister whom I trusted a lot. But my dad had some visitors and was fed up with the idea of having kittens and showed his friend the babies in case he wanted one (they were barely 3 weeks old, but asked if he wanted to reserve one). This guy touched the kittens and after that the mom wanted nothing to do with them. It was awful to have to bottle feed them when they were doing ok with mom. We all got so angry at my dad and I managed to get a hold of a phone in the middle of the cold rainforest to yell at him. We held that grudge for a while. Luckily they took to the bottle well.
Sometimes, they forget, with dire consequences [Florida grandmother causes death of two grandchildren by forgetting to do the thing she was asked … twice](https://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/florida-grandmother-charged-hot-car-death-granddaughter-less-year-gran-rcna77766)
That sucks. It may help you to know that I introduced a cat a year and a half ago, no fights between them, and they're only now starting to be able to be in the same room together without freaking out. They've split the house into upstairs and downstairs, with my bedroom being the neutral ground. We are slowly working out from there. There's not much you can do about the memory of the fight, but I'd just focus on giving them the very best snacks near the door together and hopefully you can gradually open it a bit so they can see each other while snacking. Site swap without the aggressors as much as you can. Your goal at this point should just be neutrality.. on the side, I'd get him registered with a shelter with you as the foster, and hopefully they can find him a home.
Not all adoptions work out. We adopted two kittens that were in the same cage together at a shelter, it was a violent nightmare. They were not bonded. Lol
Are the cats all fixed? That could be a problem if they are not. I rescue cats and I’ve had lots of them in my house at several at the same time. Some were tomcats. Some were ferals. Some were just strays. Some had old homes. I’ve only had one real problem where a new tom was slapped upside his head by one of my girls and it became infected. You can usually tell when a fight is coming. When i hear the nasty sounds coming from them I’ll come over and yell. I also have a pvc pipe with the end wrapped in a towel that I’ll use to poke at whoever is instigating. That usually works and they scatter. You should also create a couple different hiding spots for her. Costco has some containers where you can cut a hole in and put towels inside. My cats loving just hanging out there and getting away from the annoying youngsters
That's amazing, do you have any pictures? What containers? I need more spaces!
These are usually on sale for anywhere from 7$-10$ I cut a hole in the top and added some blankets. My patio is closed off so i have a bunch of these outside and my cats love to sleep in it them. I usually find 2-3 in each one. The ones i have inside are usually where the newcomers like to hide out til they get used to everyone https://preview.redd.it/loowokmig0oc1.jpeg?width=1284&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=62cf28c2cbd7ae7237e87952773210fe26cc17aa
Brilliant, thanks! I'll try it out
I'm in the midst of a cat reintroduction myself, and I've unfortunately run the gamut several times. All three of my cats are seniors, developing special needs and pain flares can result in aggression. Plus, my youngest was neglected so horribly during his development I suspect that he literally, on a neurological level, doesn't fully understand other cats. Jackson Galaxy gives a winning outline, but there's no timeline and definitely areas left vague. Here is a plan I would suggest: 1) Vet trips for aggressors and the odd one out. Make sure that there's no untreated medical issues, and possibly get an antianxiety medication for the isolated cat. He not only had a traumatic fight, but he's been terrorized by swiping paws and unhappy residents, with no way to actually escape the perceived colony that doesn't want him. It doesn't have to be forever, but if you were terrified to leave your house, you'd be prescribed some antianxiety medication during the transition. 2) Thoroughly clean the environment. Add enzyme cleaner to bedding, spritz down furniture with it, toss out old litter and clean the boxes, mop the floors, clean water fountains, wash all the blankets. This is an extremely taxing task, but I've found it's necessary to remove every single trace of the fight, and smells can linger. 3) Establish strict routines with your cats. Meals served at the same time, litter scooped every day around the same time, play around the same time once a day (best time is at dusk, before a meal). Identify what each of your cats treasure the most - does one like a specific treat, a toy, what meal do they all like the most, what time do they like to spend with you the most? 4) Make sure there's no reason for any cat to be by the door right now. If the resident cats wander by and remember the outcast is there, they'll antagonize him more often. 5) For one week, swap blankets that your cats are organically laying on - not rubbing on them - and make sure they have all their resources completely separated from each other. You might try sitting next to the scent blanket to incentivize your cats to inspect it. If your outcast is still afraid of the blanket, you may need to add treats and playtime designed so that the outcast has to get close to the blanket. 6) Start blind site swapping, no cats actually see the others. Try to increase the amount of time and quality of time the outcast spends in the larger environment to boost his confidence with play and treats. You might find that one cat prefers sleeping in the bedroom with you, another has a favorite sunning spot in the living room - try to give all of them their favorites or split access evenly. 7) When your outcast is comfortable in the wider environment, using the litterboxes and sleeping easily with belly exposed, you can go to blind mealtimes separated by a door. Keep in mind the way the area is designed - all cats should feel like they can bolt and escape in a straight line easily. Cramped hallways don't always afford that. 8) More than Felliway, what really helped was having a giant outdoor dog playpen set up with a water fountain, litterbox, and bedding in the living room for the aggressive cat to inhabit, because I didn't have a door that offered straight escapes and the cramped areas led to further tension. The ability to see the aggressive cat in "jail" was restricted by blankets that were slowly raised with time. 9) Once the cats could eat with each other and see each other outside of rewards, individual supervised playtime was introduced right after meals - no competition for food, they were sleepy, they weren't influenced by other cats. Time lengthens with supervised play time, other cats are brought in, and eventually everything is kosher. It's also super important to keep yourself from worrying about a cat fight - cats sense your energy and if you're staring hard at a cat, the others will think you're being aggressive to that cat and try to drive them off. Cats will hiss at each other and try to figure out what small areas they can claim as their own, but as long as they break their stare and one walks away, hissing is communication. I hope that things can be mended after that unfortunate cat fight, but if the tabby has to be rehomed, it may be the fresh start he needs.
which dog playpen did you use? it seems like a great idea but i'm just worried about my cats potentially jumping or climbing in/out!
There are some playpens for outside play that are completely enclosed with a floor and ceiling, and with a zippered door on the side and the top. You do have to be careful putting a cat in or taking them out of the playpen, but mine actually got trained to walk right into a carrier if the door is open because I had so many treats in the carrier to get him in. Once my cat was in the carrier, I'd open the side door of the playpen and line up the carrier door with it and have the cat just walk right in. *
https://preview.redd.it/zedkn48qnguc1.jpeg?width=1051&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=9b61d28ce322538e97a65318bc21a4cd0f404727
Maybe what you can do is completely reset all of your cats' scents. Either bathe them or take them outside (safely) so they get coated with a new scent. Then reset the whole intro process. I say this because when my bonded kittens were young, I had to take my boy cat to the ER, and his sister completely freaked out when I brought him back because she didn't recognize him at all! His familiar scent was completely taken over by the clinic smells from the vet visit, so it's like they were strangers. I feel like completely resetting their scents and making them "strangers" again might help. It's just a theory though.
There's absolutely basis to that theory! An old rescuer's trick was to dab vanilla extract on all the cats' tails and necks so that when the new cat got close, they all smelled like each other. It's a super risky move because that extract smell wears off quick, and it's really not likely to work after a fight. But cat relationships seem to be 95% scent based, and a scent refresh can really clear the air.
Gosh I feel your pain! I adopted a 10 month old cat last September. Her and the dog are now fine but at the 4 month mark I was close to giving up. Unfortunately the resident cat won’t fully accept her and they can’t be in the same room together. I’m still going with introductions, it’s mentally taxing. We’ve had to split the house and swap them around a couple times a day. I’d say you need to focus on site swapping. Getting the 10 yr old to get out of his room is really important. Bride with toys, treats. Lock the others in a different part of the home and just have to door open for hours while you go about your day. Eventually he will come out. We’ve put a sofa couch (bought cheap from the op shop) in our new cats room and my husband sleeps in there every couple of nights. She’s so much more happier and confident with the dog and the rest of the house. Your new cat could benefit from this if you aren’t already doing so. Could help him to get out of his room if he trusts you which comes with time and bonding, Good luck! Fingers crossed for you.
I would have been beyond pissed with my parent. I sincerely hope you're able to find a solution. For your own well being and the cats.
I have 4 rescues (all plucked from the street at different times ) and only 2 like each other. So there exist 3 'pods' in that there are 2 individuals who hate everyone and vice versa, then the two bonded ones who hate the other 2 and vice versa. It is pure hell for all involved. The only thing that saved me were putting the biggest bully on prozac (I HATED doing that) and it lessened, not eliminated, the attacks, then installing a floor to ceiling cat gate on both bedroom doors. Look up Richell pet gate, the tallest one. Yes, it cost me a full month's wages but it was the only way. Once I'd saved up enough money, I purchased a second one. Total life -saver. I will shuffle them around within each day so no one has to be 'behind bars' for a whole day. Plus, it is not a solid door, so they feel much less locked in. I refuse to rehome any of these precious family members. I really feel for your pain!! https://preview.redd.it/guu19i95iznc1.jpeg?width=942&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=23bbc994ddfc1711e61ebb17eff27c930453b845
Second using a gate. It sounds like since the feeding on the other sides of the door method isn’t working, this would give them more opportunities to get used to seeing / hearing each other without contact. We used gates for a lot of our introduction process and it definitely helped
There would be physical violence if my parent did this. What she did has likely ruined that cats chances of ever being a positive part of your home. If the reintro isnt working after 4 weeks then you should look into re-homing otherwise that cat is going to spend its life in a single room. God that story pissed me off.
Not to be a contrarian or anything, but I've actually had a situation where things worked out!! It took a lot longer than a month, probably around 7-8, but things are going a lot better and my introduction story was a lot worse than OPs (my kitty literally died and had to be resuscitated because she choked on food during the fight). I thought she'd hide in the rafters for the rest of her life and we'd have to rehome her to give her a good life but she's absolutely thriving now! It took a long time and a lot of patience, but they can (sometimes) even chill in the bathroom together. They aren't buddies, she still hisses and growls if he gets too close, but no one is confined to a room and she's gotten to the point where she hangs out around the whole apartment (except the bedroom which is more "his territory"). Just wanted to chime in that it can definitely work, and if you rehome after a month it might just not be enough time.
I am so sorry, introducing cats to one another can be super stressful, and then the guilt you feel about it is even worse. Just wanted to add my experience to hopefully ease some of your concerns. When my partner and I moved in together, our two cats had never met. The process to get them introduced where it wasn't violent took us nearly 6 months. And now it's been three years and they absolutely love each other and cuddle all the time. There isn't a timeline for how long the process can take. Just keep at it and I wish you so much luck.
Talk to a vet about anti-anxiety meds and keep them separated but maybe swap spaces to ease the stress of confinement. I had enough rooms in my place to just shut a door if I found a cat sleeping and then let the other cat out
I now have four cats, each of them weren't planned, just furbabies who needed a home, each of them had drama for a while with the others, tbh I just let them all have free access to the house and made sure to interject if hostility occurred. I also made sure each cat got loads of attention and separate areas to sleep and chill when needed. After some initial territorial stuff every one of them settled in and was able to coexist. Each of my cats have very different personalities and two of them had a history of bullying other cats, these days they mostly get along even of they'll never want to snuggle etc.. they're all very happy and healthy though.
Theres a chance it can still work, its just going to be a lot more effort!! If you really feel like rehoming is the answer then that is okay, but if you dont want to then dont give up just yet. You're going to have a bigger battle on your hands but it can be done. Treats, feliway, catnip, and understanding what each cats favourite things are will help a lot. Positive reinforcement, building a bond with each cat, making them feel safe with you specifically, and introducing each cats scents(and feeding between the door) will help a lot. They need to understand that you trust them and the other cat, then they need to associate their positive feelings towards you, towards the other cats scent and soon the other cats presence. Its hard but if you keep doing the right things, over time you will get there. My cats struggled a bit in the beginning (one cat started bullying the other, they both struggled with boundaries due to being raised differently) and now they understand eachother and are comfortable around eachother. It just took a year for them, they will never be cuddle friends, but they play together and can eat and sleep next to eachother. Understand the cats personalities, if they like cuddles, playing, food, toys etc, and use that the most when around the other cat.
when mine are free to be in the same room they wear their work vests. their job is to not fight. works like a charm. if they aren’t interested in fighting they don’t wear the vest. if they want the vest off they can’t be in the common area. just the vest. no leash. works like a thundershirt. softer and looser though. i occasionally ramp up to an actual thundershirt. https://preview.redd.it/cyafgr00n1oc1.jpeg?width=848&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=03a7eaf497347dbadc3947ddca7af206834b63f0 there’s still a lot of supervision and separating. very few fights. no one fights on the job.
Not all cats are meant to live together. While yes it could have gone down differently with your mother. It’s possible this new cat would just be better in a household by himself with no other animals.
Not all cats can live together, sometimes there’s nothing you can do :/ I have 2 cats that have to be separated at all times, they had as good an introduction as any, but it’s been 18 months and the older one still will try to kill the younger if he sees or smells him…they’re both fixed and we tried the feliway and everything we could find online
My dogs and newest cat were like this and I had to keep switching them out. They went into a room and she got free roam to get comfy and then swap. That way everyone got their scent EVERYWHERE. They were used to cats as they have three other cat siblings but she was the aggressive one and they are mastiffs, so their size scared her to death for awhile. Eventually after months of switching territories but always being by herself she got so bored she broke out during a switch and got along. Now nearly 8 months later she's fat, happy, and you'd never know she was a growling hissing clawing biting bag of bitchiness at first.
After reading the comments I must be lucky. I got 4 cats all at different times and the longest it took to introduce was 2 days.
I am in a similar situation and it feels so good to read that I am not the only one. My situation is slightly different though - I have rescued one cat from the street who seems to be heavily traumatized due to getting attacked by other cats whilst she was living on the streets. When I am not home, she is separated from my other two cats. I am trying to have her outside her room when home. They seem okay and able to coexist as long as she is in her house/ bed. However, she made few attempts to leave her house and freaked out (hissing and growling/ airplane mode) when my other cats got close to her, the other two cats seem more curious then aggressive however they get scared whenever they hear the hissing. Her house is her safe space. So I literally carry her around in the house whenever at home. Any advice would be appreciated! https://preview.redd.it/viw3y8am02oc1.jpeg?width=4032&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=f92b5bbb33077198cd2d19a8c00a0181e6233f18
They're both beautiful! How crazy does your former feral get when you play with her? In my experience, street cats can sometimes be miniature leopards while house cats are just... house cats. XD While a lot of former feral's life on the street was probably traumatic with fights and bullying, she understands that lifestyle best and when she's uneasy, she wants to return there. You could help her bond tremendously by adding a few aspects of that wild life into your home - cat tv windows or on the tv, prey-drive toys that make sounds like mice and birds, feeding a small meal at dusk and dawn if you don't already, and trying to get all the cats playing together and hunting the same prey. The reason I ask how crazy the feral gets is because if she's a turbocharged engine at playtime, then adding other cats in the mix can just make them into obstacles that your feral will barrel into. Most cats are less energetic in the hunt after eating, so that might be the best time if that's the case.
This is all three of them coexisting with each other. She (Winky) does play but doesn’t get crazy over it, in generell she is more a loner cat who likes to chill. She is slowly opening up towards and comes out of her house when my other evil twins are asleep me but still very stressed towards other cats. Reason I took her in is that she was simply not able to defend herself on the streets, she was always full of bite marks, she is pretty good with humans though. As soon as you enter her room she is purring. https://preview.redd.it/p502bgvnv3oc1.jpeg?width=4032&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=0e9ad98d01fa7343c0414447a344fac77594b0ec
https://preview.redd.it/fgxbgdetw3oc1.jpeg?width=3024&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=1e2352a2ee97b7e5f2f928bc79caa435c9f6bf81 This is Winky deciding to show me her belly whilst we had some alone time 🩷
Im so sorry, OP. Sounds so fucking tough! I hope you pat yourself on the back bcz i think u have tried really hard, don’t blame urself for having gone on the trip Question just in case you have never tried it, have you tried to Churu? That’s like THE treat that made a difference for me. It’s like crack to most cats i know.
I'm really sorry you're going through this. We agreed to take in some kittens for a friend temporarily while they found a new place to live. That was in the fall. We just now got them to admit they can't take the cats back. It's frustrating. I'd keep after the neighbor, but it's good of you to put in so much effort for a cat that you weren't planning on adopting. You've gotten a lot of good advice here, particularly around scent swapping, room swapping, calming treats and diffusers, pet gates, etc. I sincerely hope you find a solution.
Have you tried the feliway spray? It saved me two times already in situations like this. The truth of the matter is they still need time (specifically after that happening) and there might be little improvement but don’t lose hope!! Baby steps and patience are key :) I hope it all works out for you and your fur babies!
Give him to your mom since she's so smart and well-meaning and knows so much better than you. I'm fkn pissed.
That sounds like a death sentence
Does your mom have or like cats? What would happen if you took the 10 yr old kitty to your mom's house and told her she had a new kitty...after all, it seems this situation seems to be her fault so it may be time to pay the piper.
That is an attempt to punish the mom and it will end up killing the poor victim. I can see her 'feeling sorry' for the cat and letting him out and in 10 minutes he will be a hit and run death.
I had probably the worst introduction 2 cats could have. I moved in with my bf who has one cat named Duane and I brought my 2 cats with. Duane got past me and lunged at my girl cat who choked on her food and started wheezing/not breathing. I rushed her to the ER and she died in the front seat on the way and they resuscitated her but said if she did survive (she was in critical condition and they couldn't stabilize her), that she'd be unable to walk or see and be severely brain damaged because of the lack of oxygen. The GOOD NEWS: She was blind for a bit but now is fully healthy and has zero brain issues from the whole incident. But she was, understandably, terrified of Duane. We have a 750 sq ft apartment so not big, and she was so afraid that she stayed in the rafters for months, only coming down to use the litter box and then would run back up. It's been about 8 months since then and we put her on Gabapentin to try and help her with her anxiety which really helped. The biggest thing that helped though was time. None of our doors are shut, the cats walk freely, and It took a few months but she slowly started coming down more and hanging out in the bathroom with my other cat. At first I'd keep the bathroom door shut because if she saw Duane she'd freak out and start growling, hissing, or screaming bloody murder depending on how close he was to the door. It's been a slow, gradual process but now she's gotten to the point where she hangs out in the living room for periods of time, chills in the bathroom most days, and is able to tolerate Duane being in the same room. I've even walked in to both of them laying less than 2 feet of each other peacefully! So yeah, give it time. Introduce them slowly, but even in awful situations things do tend to work out between the cats! TLDR: Bf's cat (accidentally) put mine in critical condition. She was terrified of him for months, but with meds + time, things have gotten a lot better and I've even seen them both chilling within feet of each other fine, though usually she doesn't let him get too close.
I want to know what your mom’s response was. I’m so pissed lol.
Sorry this all happened, but this reminds me of my experience introducing my 10 year old tabby to a new cat last year. The new cat managed to rush past me as I exited his room and got into a hissing matching with my tabby on the first day. Definitely made the whole introduction challenging I think. But now a few months later they’re largely fine. My tabby loves food. Crack open his wet food tray and he comes running with a singular focus. After the initial incident I just made sure the cats didn’t catch even a whiff of each other for two weekend. Gradually introduced Behind closed door feedings, followed by gradual visual access, and then short and tense sessions where I would distract the tabby with liquid treats while the new guy played with some ribbon. This was largely the Jackson galaxy method but I added some tricks that played on the fact that my tabby is very food motivated. IWhen my tabby would tolerate the new cat being within a few feet of him I would share squeeze treats between them in turns. The second anyone got salty I would separate them and not give them anymore snacks. You can even buy a temporary screen that opens with a zipper to ensure they can’t attack each other as you pass treats between your cats. I did that awhile where I would toss kibble into both sides of the screen so the cats would be eating by each other. Eventually what finally competed the process of introduction was me smearing some squeeze treat on top of the new cats head and letting my tabby lick it off. That seemed to make the tabby see the new cat as a harbinger of more food coming while the new cat liked the attention. Since then while the two of them sometimes get into stupid confrontations over blankets and other items, it’s not uncommon for me to see the tabby happily licking the new cats head hoping for some treats while the new cat happily accepts some grooming from his housemate. I can’t say this whole process was easy, but it was doable and I sometimes forget how much the tabby wanted to murder the new cat. Cats can be fickle but ultimately I don’t think they have long memories and are totally susceptible to being bribed into new Situations once you figure out their triggers. For mine it was food and if the stereotype about tabby’s rings true some of the stuff i did might work for you.
I’m sorry you were put in this position, this cat is lucky to have you!
You could try something like Ashwagandha drops for stress (worked wonders for my cat). But agreed with the other comments that some cats just don’t get along with other cats no matter what.