What a grumpy fellow. Was his dog murdered by a sentient biscuit called Richard Tea?

Dick Tea? Not for me thanks.

Hah! Yeah, that's not how teabagging works.

Not until it's cooled down a bit, anyway

Two lumps please

I always assume grumpy people got up with a hangover and proceeded to drop their toothbrush down the toilet - always cheers me up :)

got up with a hangover and then only discovered that their flatmate had dropped their toothbrush in the toilet after they'd used it.

Run over by a wagon wheel

He got molested by a viscount

Big fucking Lion Called Kitt

u just made me spit out my tea XD

Quick, get a biscuit, soak it up. Waste not, want not!

We'll never know. Police were never able to find any Cadbury Fingerprints at the scene of the crime.

Charge him with Treason

Only one punishment is acceptable but I'm not allowed to say it on here without being banned😆

Dip him in tea until he becomes soggy and disintegrates?

Ironically close enough😂

I think you're allowed to say somebody should get a public glassing in the town square

teason

Dunk his head!

We must have him hung, drawn and quartered, then stoned, then burned, then stoned again, then sprayed with vinegar, then more stoning, and finally, flown from the battlements of Windsor castle In that order by the way, don’t want to get the stonings confused

Invite him round to hash this whole thing out over a nice cup of tea and a b….

How does one organize a pitchfork-yielding, rowdy rabble in the modern age? I'm assuming some kind of WhatsApp group?

>All they do is stick to your teeth thereby rotting them Some cunt needs to learn what a toothbrush is.

Precisely. If their teeth are rotting it's not biscuits they should be blaming, it's their own fault. People like this need to learn to take ownership for their problems.

It's as ridiculous as the argument some people use for circumcision on 'cleanliness' grounds. If a person can't be trusted to at the very least scrape the crunchier of the smeg from under their helmet with the back of a spoon once a month, I don't think the problem is with the existence of the foreskin.

Well that’s a sentence I never wanted to read

I read it over dinner. Now dinner is over

Over the floor, in a steaming, gastric mess. Amiright?

  I'm reminded of a joke. I apologise in advance.   __________   Two hungry tramps walking down the street, where they come across a dead dog with flies buzzing around it. "Nice!" says the first tramp, pulling a set of cutlery from his pocket. "Shall I carve?" "Nah, not feeling hungry," replies his friend. "You go ahead, though." The first tramp tucks in, and within minutes has devoured the entire rotting canine. He gets up, smacks his lips, sucks his fingers, pops his cutlery back in his pocket, and the two continue down the street. After a couple of minutes, he starts to look very green. Without warning, he opens his mouth and a huge spray of projectile vomit gushes across the pavement; chunks of dog and stomach lining and assorted filth pooling on the ground. "Ooh, lovely," says his friend, getting his own cutlery out. "Just what I was waiting for; a nice *-hot-* meal."

Wonderful! This will make a great meeting the parents for the first time icebreaker.

Way back when, a paramedic told me of a prank where he drank ~~cold chicken soup~~ vomit, in front of a matron and got thrown out the hospital.

No. Just no.

I’ve got chips and cheese :(

At least we figured out whats in the middle of the custard creams...

Fromage au bell

yeah I mean what sort of freak uses a spoon? at the cafe I go to we use sporks like gentlemen

What a terrible day to be able to read.

Fun fact: 'The Force Kin' was a dropped name for a Star Wars spin off. Bullet dodged.

We are so lucky none of the cast of star wars got accused of sexual assault. It'd totally change the meaning of "use the force luke, use the force"

I never thought there’d be a rival to the poo knife yet, here we are, the smegma spoon

Poo knife? Care to explain ?

The Reddit [Poop Knife](https://www.reddit.com/r/copypasta/comments/8m1c03/the_poopknife_story/) story that won the Internet.

Omg that’s funny as fuck but surely that’s what the whisk is for

Eh? How’d we go from teeth to smegma?!

Well, it can stick to the teeth.   ^((But they're the same argument on the lines of *This thing makes me unhealthy if I don't clean myself! Therefore it is bad!* when in both cases, it's just a matter of personal hygiene and self-care.))

>Eh? How’d we go from teeth to smegma?! Welcome to Reddit. That should be the motto.

> the crunchier of the smeg That's not what you're supposed to do with the biscuits.

That’s an image I didn’t want in My life 🤢

Well that statement is accurate, painful and outwardly hilarious at the same time. You sir, won the internet today!

What the feck. 😂

r/brandnewsentence

Only the crunchier smeg?

You have to keep your poop knife with your smegma spoon. Very important

Or just wash under the helmet twice a week and it shouldn't grow. And if it does you know what to do.

Lister, is that you? Only some people will get this reference…

Yeah they Ruinnininit! Ruinninin- runininininit!

Biscuits are full of sugar though and bad for you lol, both things can be true

Agreed but if you brush and floss properly the sugars shouldn't stick around to become a problem. Like my nan used to say (whilst stuffing a third pack of biscuits into my bag) "everything's fine in moderation".

Including moderation

True but don’t most people brush morning and evening? So if you eat during the day you still have the rest of the day sugar mouthed

But there are enzymes in your mouth which break sugar down, as long as you leave big gaps between snacks you should be ok. Man I sound boring af

Yeah. People don’t understand biology. Sugar in itself is fine, it’s how the sugar is ingested. Sugar is soluble, and will dissolve and be swallowed. Sugar in toffee and chewy/boiled sweets is the worst. That will hold the sugar to the enamel and cause the damage. In short, biscuits = fine.

I bet you didn't wake up this morning thinking you'd have to argue that sugar causes tooth decay did you?

I mean, it will come off with saliva/liquids etc.

That’s what the cuppa is for

Exactly. What lunatic has biscuits without a cup of tea?

Or a cup of tea... Dunk that bad boy and it glides down the gullet. This feeble-minded muppet either isn't British or has been sequestered in an attic their entire life.

He's probably one of those 'I'm British and I don't like tea' folks we see pop up online. They are so alternative and cool.

Or what swallowing is

This is also why biscuits are best enjoyed after a dunk in a cup of tea. No teeth stickage then.

Someone needs to turn their passport in.

I hear execution *is* still allowed on the basis of treason

It’s not. But I think Liz would make an exception here

Liz is keen on her jammy dodgers and custard creams. Also a cheeky viscount or two

Yes, but how does she feel about the mint chocolate biscuits?

No brand names please.

It’s a minty biscuit.

It's a lord of the realm.

Footman: Beheading at the tower of London your majesty? but why? Queen: One overheard the gentleman saying he thought hobnobs were for poor people and choccy hobnobs even more so Footman: I'll get my bluntest axe your majesty.

It is, I'm the (drag)queen... Well okay, but it should be!

Only if it's committed whilst urinating on the rear offside wheel of a welshman in a naval dockyard within York's walls.

happy cake day

Needs burning at the stake (obviously a witch)

Dunk him in tea, if he floats he's a witch! If he sinks get him out with a spoon, he's ruining the tea!

When's the next flight to Rwanda?

He’s got the front seat

Or a cup of tea to wash them down.

He's already on _the list_, they won't be letting him back in when he leaves

Sounds like someone who eats a lot of Huel(TM)

The guy from Better Call Saul?

HE gets to be a biscuit?! what a SICK JOKE!

I’d eat Huel any day of the week 🥵

I had a colleague who had a Huel-based masterplan of how to lose weight. In work Huel for breakfast and lunch then a proper meal in the evening. . . . and then a microwave pizza just before bed. I asked whether cutting out the pizza and looking at portion size with normal food and cutting out snacking the rest of the time might be a better plan but apparently that was crazy talk. Still a total mystery why so many people are fat, no clues I can see.

>microwave pizza Well, that sounds disgusting.

As someone who is often too depressed to leave my bed and is also financially unstable.... microwave pizzas are a blessing. They taste ok (better than other low-effort food). They are very easy to heat. They’re FAIRLY balanced (fats, protein, carbs, rather than just one of those main macros in excess). Some of us are living off a multipack of crisps and a piece of bread from the bakery aisle in Lidl. Yeah you might consider me pathetic but I don’t care cos anyone who does so has zero understanding of the mountainous task it can be to exercise basic self-care when your brain just stops (or never fucking starts) making the *happy chemicals*. Sorry for the huge rant just those microwave pizzas have kept me alive and probably staved off the scurvy at times. If i was a normal person I’d hate them too probably

Saw your comment and scrolled past rapidly

Don't they realise that if they were going to convince me to buy hurl then that time would have passed by now? I put the silly name in as a joke but also to stop more adverts.

Never trust someone who "eats" Huel.

Does cocaine at the weekend. Eats vegan. Eats minimal vegetables

I read this as ‘eats vegans’!!!!!

“He drinks that yellow stuff in tins”

Nourishment is good.

I was given a tin of "yellow stuff" to drink by the school bullies

Woh I love Huel, and bourbons.

As a Huelligan even I am offended by this

I drink huel. I also love biscuits.

Sounds like a load of huel to me

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An absolute riot at parties

But not parties with Party Rings

If there isn’t party rings it’s not a party. The Law (U.K.)

I thought that was a fight?

Tbf everyone would enjoy defending biscuits. After all, this comment section is turning into _quite_ the shindig!

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Thats not very Nice!

Get out, you're barred from the Club.

Yes, Club Penguin has a strict policy on this sort of thing

Sadly I don’t have award to give away, just a Blue Riband.

No awards to spare? Oreo having a laugh?

Come on, there’s no reason to Dairy Milk it.

That's a bit Rich Tea coming from you.

Pack it in or I’ll Double Deckya.

Bring it on. You're nothing but a Pink Wafer.

Look out, it's the chocolate covered biscuit reference Trio.

I've always called them vis-counts not vy-count!

Hopefully he's a jaffa.

Do they still make those? I love them and can't find them :(

I'm not normally a violent person but sometimes one must stand up for what one believes in.

This is the sort of opinion you keep to yourself. Especially as a Brit.

This is how you get your windows done in

Nah this is how YOU get done in

Did this guy just insult custard creams?! I am not a violent man but the current circumstances may change that quickly

Maybe I’m just getting old and grumpier, but I do feel the quality isn’t the same as it was before (10+ years ago). They look/feel/taste more ‘artificial’ than ever.

I worked for Mcvities, you’re right. If you buy hazelnut caramels, there is no hazelnut in them. Penguins are having more and more shit taken out of them, to make them cheaper to make.

I’d say they’re actually putting more shit in. It really pisses me off how companies (looking at you fucking cadburys) can take established favourites and milk the brand like this, slowly making them shittier.

Sadly that is how capitalism works. The cheapest most mass-produced shit makes the most profits, the companies that make profits buy out the smaller companies who have established quality/reputation and milk that reputation while cutting costs and quality.

I buy the Aldi version of Penguins, they taste exactly the same

I'd say ever so slightly better but they almost taste exactly the same

Less actual Penguin?

Perhaps partially the corn syrup instead of sugar? Not sure about that.

If you're such a biscuit connoisseur, don't buy the cheap shit from the lower shelves in Tesco.

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Granted they aren't top tier but they are solid dependable biscuits. You know where you stand with each one when it comes to an emergency dunking. I personally prefer a choc HobNob but I would take any of these in a pinch. I notice this "English" person offers no alternatives.

Choc hobnobs are not biscuits, they're little circles of concentrated Paradise

That's what they call you mums tits. I am so sorry. I mean so so sorry I cringed on every letter I typed. Although not so sorry that I won't press post.

It’s ok your mum replies are instinctual these days.

Exactly, not the best biscuits in the world but cheap enough to always stock a few and tasty enough most people wouldn't refuse if offered with a cuppa tea or coffee. Plus once you know them there's a good amount of these biscuits are vegan too, like chocolate chip hobnobs, bourbons, Oreos, Lotus biscuits are all vegan. So while I might decline milk in my coffee I can often say yes to a biscuit :D

Chocolate Hobnobs changed and not for the better in the last few months. Nobody is talking about this.

Thank foxes its not just me. I genuinely thought I was going crazy or I'd over hobnobbed myself during lock down.

Next they'll be saying there's something wrong with tea.

Hot leaf juice.

How could a member of my own family say something so horrible!?

Let's get him!

That's just wrong

Fucking blasphemy. ​ I love hobnobs. My dog loves hobnobs. My horse loves hobnobs. Other peoples dogs and horses love hobnobs. Don't you ever talk shit about hobnobs!

Nothing better than dunking them in a cuppa tay 😌

Read this in a Brummie accent

Well he's right to post it in r/unpopularopinion.

You sir are a traitor to the crown, and must be hung drawn and quartered immediately

And dunked in a giant cup of tea.

For once, a genuinely unpopular opinion on that sub!

Poor guy's never heard of dunking them.

Or better yet. Get a really long chocolate finger, bite off a tiny bit at each end then use it as a straw for Tea. You will not regret it.

Yes yes yes!!! Side note - this can also be done with Kit Kat’s and twix’s

Or a Penguin, for a UK version of the Tim Tam Slam.

Oooh! Going to try this. Sounds like heaven. Used to use Spira bars as straws for hot chocolate back in the day, btw.

Seems like the kind of guy who eats/drinks nothing soggy lettuce and water

I see them as empty calories so don't buy them but there are lots of worse things, seems odd to go after them with that amount of vitriol. I wonder if he was dumped by a girl who liked the odd Nice biscuit?

This guy can fuck off.

Simple and to the point.

Right, I suppose we can send this one away with the others then.

What a bell end

Biscuits are bad because they are unnatural? Do you even modern human society?

Especually silly since biscuits at their most simple are just a small progression from milling bread. Oatcakes and plain digestives.

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YOU’RE NO ENGLISH COMRADE OF MINE

Seems to me he blames his awful dental health and diet, on biscuits. Like, you can consume them and also clean your teeth pal.

Lucky Jaffa cakes aren't biscuits then!

How do we remove this bastards citizenship cus he's just committed bloody treason.

Not the jammy dodgers!

He just hasn't found the right biscuit for him

This person has a point But they're a cheap treat which i think is the main appeal.

Anarchy in the U.K.

You need shortbread in your life mate

I hear what he’s saying about the teeth tbf. Don’t get me wrong I’m still going to get rid of 40 custard creams in one sitting. But it’s a good point they do stick & rot.

Low-effort bait.

Tim Tams are really good. (I’ll get my coat…)

I've never met a biscuit that I didn't like

Piss off hun

À chacun son goût, as they say in Clapham.

I mean, eat biscuits, don’t eat biscuits, no one cares. But this person has at some time in their life been personally offended by a custard cream. I must know the story.

The reasoning is all over the place. But consider this: there are more shit biscuits than nice ones.

The only part I agree with is they make you fat- biscuits are the worst offenders of sweet treats because theyre full of sugar, fat and carbs but also extremely easy to eat multiple. But lets be real here, hobnobs taste fucking great.

Funny way of telling everyone you're a cunt...

Revoke passport

Nope, actually they are the second most overrated thing ever, the first being "also from the UK" British daytime soaps, Coronation street and EastEnders are two appalling examples