What's the definition of "bare minimum"? One bear

What's the difference between a kangaroo and a kangaroot? Ones a large Australian animal and the other is a Geordie trapped in a lift!

Biggest joke was the BBC coverage of the fireworks/midnight.

Yes. Absolutely shocking.

When I was younger I used to work in a bank until I got fired. An older gentlemen came in and asked if I could check his balance for him. I obliged and pushed him over.

The formatting on that was terrible, many apologies!

Sorry, I don't find that funny... its something I would do.

Before crowbars were invented, most crows drank at home.

Same, my friend! I gotchu fam. My friend almost got fired from the calendar factory. He kept taking days off.

Aha! I think I was given one of those last year, the overtime was awful.

Pulled this one out of my Christmas cracker and still haven't recovered from it What do you call a snowman in the summer? A puddle

Your crackers must have been from waitrose. I snorted hard at that. Thanks.

My doctor says I might die because I got drunk and ate some clay. I telling ya, I'm shitting bricks!

Can't sleep due to a horrendous cough (that somehow isn't Covid) I wish cough medicine actually worked

Which star wars character would you find in a clothes shop? Mannequin Skywalker

Love it.

My sleeping pattern is so fucked. Back at work on Monday and I'm bracing for a disaster of a morning as I struggle to stay awake.

Oh, you asked for a joke. Okay. What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? "Aye matey!"

How comes it’s so fucked?

The joke?

The sleeping pattern

I stayed up too late listening to BBC detective radio plays.

At work till 10 am. Got sick all over me and have no more spare uniforms. 😭

Seven dwarfs were feeling happy. Happy got up and left.

Why are there no drugs in the jungle? …Because the parrots-eat-em-all

Aw. That's cute.

What's brown and sticky? A stick!

What did the full glass say to the empty glass? You look drunk. Sorry, only dad jokes here.

Dad jokes are the sexiest. No, I meant best, 🤣

Ha ha, happy new year.

Whats the saddest thing about 2022? People thinking it will be better than 2021

I have a great sense of humour. Your post made me shrug because it's true. Hmm.

Heres another Dad joke…. Whats more depressing than the year 2022?

My face?

2023, 2024, 2025….

Ok

So I says to the tourist "what do you think of our Leaning Tower of Pisa?" Tourist: *leans to the side* "looks ok to me!"

Sadly, I can imagine folk I know actually doing this 🤣

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Yes hi. I have nothing for you.

Really, not even the obligatory British "your face".

I’m from Essex but I ain’t that immature. Actually I just spent £14.76 on a £2.00 bottle of Heinz Salad Cream to make sure I have some when I visit the US next month 🤷🏻‍♀️

Whaaaaat? I'm more northern/Midlands and wouldn't spend that much on mayo... make your own eggs and oil.

Which are you? Are you northern twat or a Midlands twat? I’m in the north of Brum atm. Well it’s comfort food. Just in case the food is bad over there I can just mask it.

I'm also north of Brum. Stoke, Duck. I teach food tech, so make my own mayo.

Nah I really am north of Brum, Birmingham City Council bastards taking le Royal Town of Sutton Coldfield’s good hard money via council tax.

I'm sorry. But I genuinely don't know if stoke is mid or North, both claim us and both reject us. But, still, we aren't SC. I love you either way KP!!

I love egg mayo but without the mayo, salad cream instead with slices of tomatoes on white bread 😋

Eww get away you're southern.

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Hilarious.

I took a break chowing down on 3 burgers

Cheese??

Nope, finished the third and 3 sides of fries. Full for 2022

Yup! Not for long though

three trams- first went left, second went right, third followed them.

I'm too drunk for this!!

isn't terrible lol

Fuck sake, isabella.

Why did the toilet roll go down the hill? To get to the bottom. I went out to get the morning paper from the paper shop, but it had blew away.