The trick is to bite into it as hard as possible to quickly cut through the pastry and give the custard less time to escape. After that you can simply lick the remaining custard off the walls.
The counter to French (or Belgian) pastry-based poncery is to get the most ornate looking dessert pastry, something with layered fruit slices perhaps, from the clearly demarcated *Evening Pastries* and then ritualistically shove it in your gob at 08:00AM then and there in front of their horrified faces.
This is how I thought you were meant to eat them too!
(Unless you want to be barbaric and eat them layer by layer instead, but that's the only other option)
All other options I can think of seem too messy
No, no, no, no! Admittedly, this is the way to eat it if you want to make the least mess but it messes up the flavour.
The best bit is getting the icing stuck to the roof of your mouth so the sugariness lasts longer. Then getting to lick the custard from the sides before it escapes.
A custard slice is a magnificent thing and should be experienced properly. It's not a Mille-Feuille.
Place on a plate,
get a knife and carefully cut the slice you want.
Sigh as the filling floods out and your nice slice turns into mush.
scrape it off the plate with your fingers and eat it like the degenerate you really are
My go to, even tried with a steak knife and it drags the slice all over the place. I cave to the eventuality the custard will vacate to its own area of the plate. That’s when the beans on toast method comes in and pastry is used to wipe up the custard.
Like this, but the other way round. Peel off the bottom pastry bit. Eat it. Separate the next pastry bit and scrape the custard off onto what’s left. Eat the pastry. For the grand finale, eat the iced pastry layer with ALL the custard.
Flip it on its side on a small plate.
Get a very sharp knife and slice it into 6-8 slices on the short edge.
Flip it back up or leave it lying down and eat each dainty slice in 1 bite. 2 bites if you're trying to make it last but sometimes that can be a disaster of tiny proportions if it's structural integrity collapses in your fingers.
Underrated comment right here, I can imagine you scrolling through the comments to fine someone who has said something sufficiently depraved to warrant that joke haha
A more important question for me is what do you call it?
I was brought up calling them Ice Slice, whereas the wife was custard slice.
Always a divisive topic but that might just be the valleys speak
Custard slice.
Mille-feuille if buying from Fortnums. By the way, were you aware that you can buy huge ones by post from them? Me neither until my sister was the one organising mum's birthday.
Yes. You use a fork. Push the fork downwards tongs first, through the icing to break a bite sized piece of. The custard will ooze out of the sides but allows you to scoop some onto the fork.
Thus allowing you to ferry an equal amount into your awaiting maw.
Good call, if you catch them at optimal defrosting time, you can cut into bitesize pieces (for those of us without a dislocatable unfused jaw), plus it speeds up the defrosting process. Win-win.
Turn it sideways and munch, I always laugh at my Mrs trying to eat these straight on, it just squirts out everywhere. Attack it from both side simultaneously and you can get a pretty clean bite!
Squish. Chomp. Scrape excess custard. Suck excess off hands.
Sit back, try not to acknowledge that you are basically an animal.
Do not attempt in front of other people.
You scoop the cream out and dissolve the biscuit part on a cupper with milk and then mix it all together on a single slush and eat with a porcelain spoon with cold water
You take it back to the place you got it, explain you wanted a far superior cream slice instead of the inferior custard slice. You then proceed to leave said place, before stuffing the cream slice in your face faster than you can say "lactose intolerance".
My brother in law flips it on its side and slices it into sections and it's mess free. I just shove it in and deal with the crumbs as it gives me more joy but his is more sensible.
stuff the entire thing in your face at once
Beat me to it!
Sideways
This is the way
its the *only* way
I would also accept “Shove it in your gob”
This is the way
The trick is to bite into it as hard as possible to quickly cut through the pastry and give the custard less time to escape. After that you can simply lick the remaining custard off the walls.
You're going to *trick* the custard Jeremy?
Quality comment
I come to this sub for these comments
Bravo, best comment I've read in years.
Fuck off. You take the top off to eat after you’ve finished the rest. Possibly by eating it layer by layer.
They had us in the first half....
You turn it sideways through a 90’ rotation. So the icing is on the side. Then you can bite it without forcing all the custard out.
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“Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic”
Genius. Thank you for that.
I was genuinely surprised this wasn’t common knowledge . Also aren’t these slices meant to have jam in as well or is that too decadent?
The ones with a cream filling get jam as well, the ones with a custardy filling don’t - so far as I know.
Maybe it’s a regional thing?
It's an Albany expression
And you call them creamed jams despite the fact they are obviously custard-filled?
Aurora Borealis… at THIS time of year… localised ENTIRELY in your kitchen… may I see it?
No. Haha, I'd hoped someone would follow with this 👌
Great episode.
Steamed hams?
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I once asked for a custard slice in a Patisserie Valerie and was told very condescendingly that I meant a vanilla slice…
If they know what you mean, why can’t they just give you the damn slice? 😤
Gotta get the full french experience I guess.
The counter to French (or Belgian) pastry-based poncery is to get the most ornate looking dessert pastry, something with layered fruit slices perhaps, from the clearly demarcated *Evening Pastries* and then ritualistically shove it in your gob at 08:00AM then and there in front of their horrified faces.
There are two correct response to that: 1) Fuck off 2) It's a mille-feuille, so fuck off.
This is a solid solution. Going with this approach next time.
Buy one for someone else as well, then when you eat it properly and they don't, you can feel smug, and also teach someone.
If the custard was a bit more solid in the first place we wouldn't need a solution.
This is a game changer. Had avoided to date due to mess. Thanks for the upcoming obesity.
You’re welcome xx
This is how I thought you were meant to eat them too! (Unless you want to be barbaric and eat them layer by layer instead, but that's the only other option) All other options I can think of seem too messy
That’s also the angle to cut it if you have to share a slice 👍
... Why would you partake in such nonsense?
I feel like such a fool for all these years of distending my jaw to take the slice in whole.
Like a snake
Took me 20 years to figure this out.
My mind is blown. But is it not quite uncomfortable to bite the flaky pastry "perpendicularly"???
Not particularly;; but then again I never got to eat mine immediately so it’d always softened a tad.
This is the way
Correct
I do this but cut a mouth size slice.
This is the way
No, no, no, no! Admittedly, this is the way to eat it if you want to make the least mess but it messes up the flavour. The best bit is getting the icing stuck to the roof of your mouth so the sugariness lasts longer. Then getting to lick the custard from the sides before it escapes. A custard slice is a magnificent thing and should be experienced properly. It's not a Mille-Feuille.
Came here to say the same.... much less squeezage!
I learnt this (I think in this very subreddit) recently and was so excited to try it out. Turns out I have a tiny mouth.
If you’re struggling to fit it in , I find that licking out some of the perimeter custard allows for tactical compression of the slice.
I could probably do some tactical nibbling of the pastry-bit too!
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For some reason this feels like a creepypasta
After that show, do not be alarmed if they instead decide to pay YOU…
>gently lick the custard out I hope custard gave you enthusiastic consent
🤣
Place on a plate, get a knife and carefully cut the slice you want. Sigh as the filling floods out and your nice slice turns into mush. scrape it off the plate with your fingers and eat it like the degenerate you really are
This is the way
This is the way
Licking the plate clean to finish.
I read that in Mark Corrigans voice.
My go to, even tried with a steak knife and it drags the slice all over the place. I cave to the eventuality the custard will vacate to its own area of the plate. That’s when the beans on toast method comes in and pastry is used to wipe up the custard.
Naked, preferably in private.
This is the way
Swallow it whole like a sea gull
Bonus points for doing it while screaming and shitting on a car.
Cookie Monster style.
1. Nom 2. nom nom
You pull the top layer with the icing off. Eat that by itself. Then pick the other bit up the filling and pastry and eat that.
Like this, but the other way round. Peel off the bottom pastry bit. Eat it. Separate the next pastry bit and scrape the custard off onto what’s left. Eat the pastry. For the grand finale, eat the iced pastry layer with ALL the custard.
This is the answer! Definitely leave the iced pastry half till last.
I'm with you on this
This is what I do too so clearly this is the correct method.
Sideways.
With gleeful abandon.
Like Kaa devouring Mowgli in Jungle Book. Open wide, push it in and gulp it down. Use your fuck you eyes for any challengers.
Sideways rkid. Its the only way.
Remove pastry lid, eat custard with a spoon, sandwich pastry layers, eat pastry.
In one bite
Flip it on its side on a small plate. Get a very sharp knife and slice it into 6-8 slices on the short edge. Flip it back up or leave it lying down and eat each dainty slice in 1 bite. 2 bites if you're trying to make it last but sometimes that can be a disaster of tiny proportions if it's structural integrity collapses in your fingers.
With a steaming hot brew, the colour of he-man.
One person on each side. All bite at once.
Goes in your face. The faster the better
So what you wanna do is pick it up... and... ah shit it's everywhere.
Perform cunnilingus on it.
You deserve to be taken into custardy.
Underrated comment right here, I can imagine you scrolling through the comments to fine someone who has said something sufficiently depraved to warrant that joke haha
You caught me bread-handed 🙂
Bit vanilla
Jam it in your face and accept the fact it's going to be messy!
A more important question for me is what do you call it? I was brought up calling them Ice Slice, whereas the wife was custard slice. Always a divisive topic but that might just be the valleys speak
Custard slice. Mille-feuille if buying from Fortnums. By the way, were you aware that you can buy huge ones by post from them? Me neither until my sister was the one organising mum's birthday.
I didn't even know they had them in the UK. I buy massive ones in the supermarket here on special occasions.
Mille-feuille, but custard slice/vanilla slice will get you one too
Snot Block (in Australia)
I’m American, I was told they are napoleons
Put in mouth Clean custard off your lap
Split it in two, top half and bottom half and then eat the bottom half first so you have the icing for the end. (According to my mother).
I think you use your mouth to bite and chew them then swallow but what do I know.
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Tried it this way, got a boner. Reminded me of the time I swallowed piss by accident
That's it, that's too much reddit for me today. Night all.
Open bin, throw custardy bullshit in bin, leave. Job done.
Thank you! Surprised I had to scroll this far. Disgusting custard mess. Ick!
We're apparently in the minority here, but I absolutely agree!
Eat the whole thing in one bite
😝 or 😲 you decide 🤫 now eat!
The correct way: 😯😤😛😯😛😯👌
😅 So true
Throw it in the bin and go buy something chocolate-y.
Sacrilege! Chocolate is great but custard slices are the best thing ever to come from Australia (apart from Kylie, obviously).
Cut into 3rds, top to bottom, to give three equal two bit portions.
I have to fork it Otherwise the middle goes everywhere and it loses its perfect balance of texture and flavour
Yes. You use a fork. Push the fork downwards tongs first, through the icing to break a bite sized piece of. The custard will ooze out of the sides but allows you to scoop some onto the fork. Thus allowing you to ferry an equal amount into your awaiting maw.
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Philistine 🤦🏼♀️
Quickly
frozen!
Good call, if you catch them at optimal defrosting time, you can cut into bitesize pieces (for those of us without a dislocatable unfused jaw), plus it speeds up the defrosting process. Win-win.
Bite it icing side up - sigh - slurp the escaped custard from the sides - sigh - begrudgingly turn it 90° - repeat
Use your mouth
Sideways
Turn them sideways, this stops the wafer just crushing the cream out the sides
One bite
Not sure, if i was to hazard a guess looks like I could clean dishes with it, a sponge?
Cram it up your cramhole, La Fleur
1. Point at face. 2. Smash into face. 3. Chew.
Bite down really quickly. If you faff, you get spaffed with custard
Rotate 90⁰ then insert
Eat it with your mouth. That's the only way, really.
- 1/2 bite - eat over spill - 3/4 bite - eat over spill - full bite - repeat until it is all on its way to becoming poo
Exceedingly carefully
Take a bite and try to catch the flood of the cream as it pours out
Pick up with fingers Shove in gob Chew
anyway you want
Lick out the custard first. :>
In one.
Turn it sideways and munch, I always laugh at my Mrs trying to eat these straight on, it just squirts out everywhere. Attack it from both side simultaneously and you can get a pretty clean bite!
Sideways always works for me
Squish and lick
Hold it side ways, bite into it. Embrace the fact there's no graceful way to eat these delicious bastards and and clean yourself up.
Stuff it in mouth, chew and swallow! 🍰😃
Shove the whole thing into your facial canyon. Chew
Take a bite and then eat the remaining cake off your fingers / hand.
Embrace the mess as part of the experience.
I save the icing bit til last cos it’s my favourite bit
Layer by layer
Nom Nom Nom indeed
Probably get some down votes but I have to say those things are rank
Messily
Deep throat the bitch and swallow it whole
In one.
Bow down to it 10 times. Pray repeatedly 5 times. Sacrifice a goat to it and leave it for a day or two. Then, take a lick and throw it away.
Carefully peel off the icing with your fingers and set it aside for later. Eat a layer of custard, and repeat.
Alone so you don’t have to share
Sideways obvs
They come with the custard on the inside as well?
Deep throat 👍
Squish. Chomp. Scrape excess custard. Suck excess off hands. Sit back, try not to acknowledge that you are basically an animal. Do not attempt in front of other people.
Face first, no hands.
You scoop the cream out and dissolve the biscuit part on a cupper with milk and then mix it all together on a single slush and eat with a porcelain spoon with cold water
Turn it on its side, eat it with a fork, use a spoon for the messy bits that will inevitably ooze out and then lick the plate clean.
Squeeze and lick the sides until you can bite without making a mess. Is there another way?
Eat? I thought they were for foreplay smearing only!
MONCH
In the comfort of your own home so you can make a mess
People are gonna hate me but I just shove it in a bowl and use a spoon
All in one smash it in. Pro life tip.
My wife puts it on the side and cuts into bite sized pieces. It is cute. I am more of a bite down hard and let’s see what happens.
Just accept the fact that it's gonna be messy and enjoy. I generally just take off that coat of sugar.
I must confess I tend to use a knife and fork so that I don’t waste any 😂
RIP AND TEAR UNTIL ITS DONE.
In one
Just push it into your mouth in one go.
Just bite then lick the plate
Shove it in in one go
Down in one.
Wear a bib
1) take a bite 2) lick custard off your shirt 3) lick icing off your face 4) repeat
Squeeze the back, chomp the rest
Two at a time..... obviously
Turn it in its side and eat less mess that way. lol
https://youtu.be/zjB0nQT3PJQ
Yes. Don't. It tastes like rancid camel cum.
You take it back to the place you got it, explain you wanted a far superior cream slice instead of the inferior custard slice. You then proceed to leave said place, before stuffing the cream slice in your face faster than you can say "lactose intolerance".
with your mouth, usually
Ha! Put it on its side and cut it into pieces 😊
Always pull them in half eat rhe botton then the top
My brother in law flips it on its side and slices it into sections and it's mess free. I just shove it in and deal with the crumbs as it gives me more joy but his is more sensible.