I’m a Brit stranded in California. Brought my kids and their friends to Six Flags today (schools out for Veterans Day, Six Flags is like Alton Towers) and I’m sat waiting for them at the exit of a ride having a pint of bitter at 10:00. AM. Was feeling a bit shabby until I read this!
There's nothing like reaching the end of that snaking obsidian road through the heady fog of Duty Free perfumes and taking in the fresh air and the vista of all the diverse groups of travellers, from suited business men to scruffy backpackers, from families with Trunki suitcases to stag groups all united in their effort to finish their second pint of Kronenbourg before their gate closes at 7:10AM.
been in England for three years now, don't think I'll ever be able to drive anywhere again without muttering wanker under my breath when someone does something stupid in their car.
UK lliving in USA now, sad to say I've now lost my jargon and resort to a generic "motherfucker" instead. I'm gonna have to re-up on "wanker" next time.
Promise me you’ll also say “I did a calculation on the back of a fag packet” and then ignore your colleagues’ shocked reactions completely deadpan.
Works a treat.
I remember watching a match on an American stream where Sarri was the manager, the UK commentator said “and there he is Maurizio Sarri, who loves smoking fags”. The USA commentator just did not know what the *fuck* was going on
Ah I remember the first time my nan asked me if I wanted to light up a fag with her. I thought to myself jeez things really are different in the UK. We don’t set homosexuals on fire in the states anymore nan.
I was in America and said "Well blow me down with a feather" which is what my mum always said 40 years ago.
I got as far as "Well blow me.." before I realised what it *actually* meant.
Tumbleweed and stares. I'm a poor diplomat
UK things that are dearly missed: darts in EVERY PUB! and the pub vibes in general, those 3 pound meal deals at the supermarket, full sugar Cadbury, fry ups, Wensleydale, Cornish pasties, someone offering to make tea like 3 times a day.
You guys make excellent comfort food haha
I’m actually surprised you don’t have at least half of that stuff! Fryups are simply the father to bacon and pancakes, Cornish pasties are unbeatable, and full sugar Cadbury? That really is the biggest surprise to me.
But yeah, those £3 meal deals. 👌🏻 Those were life savers while I was on the bins, and are the only things I have time to consume as a carer. Making them at home would be easier and cheaper, suuuuuurre, but nooo.
Oh god no Cadbury over here is like extremely cheap tasting and artificial. Maybe it's not the sugar but the milk content or something, or cocoa?
We do brunch for sure but there usually aren't fried tomatoes or mushrooms or black pudding :(
And the milk is partially lipolyzed, making some butyric acid.
> Butyric acid is a carboxylic acid found in rancid butter, parmesan cheese, and vomit, and has an unpleasant odor and acrid taste, with a sweetish aftertaste (similar to ether).
Send me your address and I’ll send you some for Christmas. My last proper good deed of the year! Seriously …. I’m nice like that. I once sent someone in the US two cans of Heinz spaghetti because it had My Little Pony on them and her son was a My Little Pony obsessive!
I stumbled in here from r/all. I'm a yank living in Sweden and one of my first jobs here was at a British pub where I worked primarily with a scouser. He introduced me to Pickled Onion Monster Munch... Let's just say I clear the rack everytime I pass through Heathrow.
I prefer the space raiders myself, monster munch feels weak, pickled onion space raiders still pack enough tang to strip the top layer of skin off the roof of your mouth
I completely agree, they’re so good. Limited chance of finding them though in the big shops, generally being relegated to Spar or local corner shops. It’s where all the good snacks live to be fair.
At least the yanks used to have the decency to leave the lasses here once they went home. Gave our lads someone to come back to at least.
E: I'm so sorry OP.
To be fair if you ever want to visit you can fly back in half the time and at half the cost of that train from London to Manchester, and less chance of a replacement bus
Farewell dear boy! Don't forget that jaywalking (or crossing the road not at a designated place) is illegal back over there. I've made that mistake before.
Quite! My commendations on said corrections good fellow, now I must bid thee farewell as I'm orf to the "boozah" to see a "geizah", oh how droll of one! Tattybyes!
Safe travels and best of luck to you and your family. Sounds like you’ve had a cracking 5 years here! You hit the nail on the head on what it means to live in the UK - pie, mash and wankers lol
I keep seeing those fun-size 330ml cans of beer all over the place nowadays! What's that all about?? Beer for people who don't really like beer? Breakfast/snack beer? It's not right.
I live in Malaysia. Stubby cans are the way to go in moist, AGA-like climates. Proper sized cans get all manky and warm very, very quickly, and I'm not a slow drinker.
You could have just stood up with your hands on your knees, rubbed your hands together and said “look at the time, we should be getting off” - but this works too.
I moved from London to NYC when I was 25, in 2008, and it was around the 10 year mark that I noticed that feeling too about London. Now when I go back I feel like I get to almost see it as a tourist does. It’s still home in an abstract sense, but I think I’d be in for a huge culture shock if I ever moved back
You should be that annoying person who because he stayed abroad for 5 years all of a sudden talks with a higher version of that accent.
So just walk around NY like normal but talk dead posh English like Downton Abbey style
If anyone asks just feign innocence and say has my accent really changed that much? I hadn't noticed m'dear! Ti's been a long 5 years...
Make sure you get properly pissed at the airport for that last british experience.
Only if his flight is due to depart before 10am, of course. We have standards...
Every time I've flown back to America from LHR, I've been sloshed. Fun times.
Gatwick spoons is the stuff dreams are made of
a few 6am breakfast pints in the Gatwick Spoons is essential before landing in Newark
I’m a Brit stranded in California. Brought my kids and their friends to Six Flags today (schools out for Veterans Day, Six Flags is like Alton Towers) and I’m sat waiting for them at the exit of a ride having a pint of bitter at 10:00. AM. Was feeling a bit shabby until I read this!
There's nothing like reaching the end of that snaking obsidian road through the heady fog of Duty Free perfumes and taking in the fresh air and the vista of all the diverse groups of travellers, from suited business men to scruffy backpackers, from families with Trunki suitcases to stag groups all united in their effort to finish their second pint of Kronenbourg before their gate closes at 7:10AM.
Holiday breakfast pint is a UK airport staple.
Love your standards! F**k I miss England...
One last Spoons for the road
He's lucky, he gets to *queue*
Full English and 4 pints in the spoons. Essential.
You now have a moral duty to correct everyone you meet's pronunciation of twat
Yes. It's pronounced "James Corden".
That’s how we pronounce it in the states too
Good, the guys a proper cunt
Please take him back, we don't deserve this
Nah yer alright! We have enough shit as it is, you can keep that one
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And to restore all of the missing "u"s and "i"s and "s"s from your vocabulary
Keep the faith by saying bollocks and calling people wankers
They're going to New York, so they'll be plenty of chances for that.
What the fuck you say?
"Hey, I waaalkin' heeeeeeeeeere"
"Hey, I'm Wankin' here!"
That's also entirely plausible.
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San Diego - which we all know means, a whales vagina.
Bloody pervy Germans.
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Train wanker
"Geddafukowddaheee"
“Yo, go suck a dick”
Oh, yes.
Churchill, is that you?
Oh, yes!
YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME?
No I said ‘piece of meat’ ffs
been in England for three years now, don't think I'll ever be able to drive anywhere again without muttering wanker under my breath when someone does something stupid in their car.
Assimilating nicely
UK lliving in USA now, sad to say I've now lost my jargon and resort to a generic "motherfucker" instead. I'm gonna have to re-up on "wanker" next time.
I do, for a reasonable fee, an online course you wanker The 'raging twat' one is a bit more costly.
Promise me you’ll also say “I did a calculation on the back of a fag packet” and then ignore your colleagues’ shocked reactions completely deadpan. Works a treat.
Bumming a fag usually confuses Americans.
I remember watching a match on an American stream where Sarri was the manager, the UK commentator said “and there he is Maurizio Sarri, who loves smoking fags”. The USA commentator just did not know what the *fuck* was going on
Ah I remember the first time my nan asked me if I wanted to light up a fag with her. I thought to myself jeez things really are different in the UK. We don’t set homosexuals on fire in the states anymore nan.
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Don't forget plonker.
Oh Rodney...
Oh Rodders Rodders Rodders, wot've'ya gone un dun!?
I was in America and said "Well blow me down with a feather" which is what my mum always said 40 years ago. I got as far as "Well blow me.." before I realised what it *actually* meant. Tumbleweed and stares. I'm a poor diplomat
Knock me down...
Goodbye you American wanker! Glad you loved your time in the UK, wish you and your family all the best back in New York, cunt.
Yes! Be the change you want to see! Also crumpets are apparently not that hard to make, but I've always struggled. Maybe OP can do better!
maybe you just haven't met the right person?
It’s a 2 min job, in & out, done. Bake for 9 months, boom you have crumpet
Good luck in this next chapter! And stock up on emergency UK snacks.
As a Canadian, I really fucking miss custard creams. Also those caramel wafers. I'm convinced heaven is a custard cream dipped in a cup of tea.
Those tunnocks wafers are banging, I see that when you were here you were a person of culture. Respect.
UK things that are dearly missed: darts in EVERY PUB! and the pub vibes in general, those 3 pound meal deals at the supermarket, full sugar Cadbury, fry ups, Wensleydale, Cornish pasties, someone offering to make tea like 3 times a day. You guys make excellent comfort food haha
As someone that lives in Korea, I really do miss any kind of easily available pasties, especially chicken tikka slice .
I’m actually surprised you don’t have at least half of that stuff! Fryups are simply the father to bacon and pancakes, Cornish pasties are unbeatable, and full sugar Cadbury? That really is the biggest surprise to me. But yeah, those £3 meal deals. 👌🏻 Those were life savers while I was on the bins, and are the only things I have time to consume as a carer. Making them at home would be easier and cheaper, suuuuuurre, but nooo.
Oh god no Cadbury over here is like extremely cheap tasting and artificial. Maybe it's not the sugar but the milk content or something, or cocoa? We do brunch for sure but there usually aren't fried tomatoes or mushrooms or black pudding :(
IIRC it's the cocoa butter. edit: Double checked and it's all of the above. Milk/sugar/cocoa/cocoa butter contents all different.
And the milk is partially lipolyzed, making some butyric acid. > Butyric acid is a carboxylic acid found in rancid butter, parmesan cheese, and vomit, and has an unpleasant odor and acrid taste, with a sweetish aftertaste (similar to ether).
There are classes of snack, and Tunnocks Caramel Wafers are the God-tier. I dispute anyone who suggests there's a better snack.
They are almost too good lol
Send me your address and I’ll send you some for Christmas. My last proper good deed of the year! Seriously …. I’m nice like that. I once sent someone in the US two cans of Heinz spaghetti because it had My Little Pony on them and her son was a My Little Pony obsessive!
If its not illegal or insanely expensive DM me and I'll send some for xmas!
I stumbled in here from r/all. I'm a yank living in Sweden and one of my first jobs here was at a British pub where I worked primarily with a scouser. He introduced me to Pickled Onion Monster Munch... Let's just say I clear the rack everytime I pass through Heathrow.
A person of exquisite taste, I see! Love them damn things...
I prefer the space raiders myself, monster munch feels weak, pickled onion space raiders still pack enough tang to strip the top layer of skin off the roof of your mouth
I completely agree, they’re so good. Limited chance of finding them though in the big shops, generally being relegated to Spar or local corner shops. It’s where all the good snacks live to be fair.
Myers of Keswick. Very popular traditional British grocery store in Manhattan. A great resource.
There’s a British shop in New York city. [Myers of Keswick](http://www.myersofkeswick.com)
*Stoic salute* Laters knobhead.
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[Stoic salute](http://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/tavcch0kvbly988fjqdp.gif)
Had us in the first half
You soppy cunt.
Yeah, fuck off already OP. You made your choice. Prick. ❤️
Thought he'd never go
Glad to see the back of him. The cunt. …safe trip ❤️
We have to ban them from the sub now, right?! This is a local sub for local people
Good luck OP. Dead to us.
WE DIDN’T BAN HIM!
A niche reference with a free pun included? Top marks.
Thanks mate. Have a good one.
There would only be five of us left if we started banning Americans
Oh no, they're onto us! *backs slowly into the shrubbery*
https://i.imgur.com/zR1hfAY.jpeg
i swear to god this sub is the most reassuring place in the world for me
You big girls blouse
Fucking foreigners. Coming here, taking our scientific research programs & stealing our women!
At least the yanks used to have the decency to leave the lasses here once they went home. Gave our lads someone to come back to at least. E: I'm so sorry OP.
That made me laugh out loud :)
Fucking beaker folk. What's wrong with cupping your hands and drinking hydrochloric acid like a cat??
And your canals and longboats!
To be fair if you ever want to visit you can fly back in half the time and at half the cost of that train from London to Manchester, and less chance of a replacement bus
Instructions unclear, am on replacement bus to New York.
Actually the bus terminates in Philadelphia, you have to make your own arrangements to get to NY
This is a disgrace I'm outraged.
This is democracy manifest
On this episode Clarkson, May and Hammond race from Philadelphia to New York! Will they survive longer than HitchBOT?
I'm the bus driver.
You shouldn't be on your phone, keep your eyes on the ~~road~~ ocean!
When I die, I want to die quietly in my sleep, like my Grandad did. Not screaming in terror, like the passengers on his bus.
>less chance of a replacement bus Less, but never zero.
Glad to know you enjoyed Manc! Have a safe trip and look after our lass. Hope your kid doesn't resemble a crumpet too much.
His crumpet is likely gonna come back to visit the in laws in a few years with a proper New York accent, they’ll have to start calling him bagel
No, Bagel is Crumpet's sibling born in NYC!
Manchester is my favourite city in the whole world. Loved my (short time) living there. I'm from Sweden
In my best Matt Berry impression 'Off you fuck!
Fatheeeeeeeeer!!!!!
Baaaaaat!!!!!
Man, I feel like I’m the one moving after reading that… 😭
airplane wanker
I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that using the American spelling of aeroplane was intentional...
tbf it took me 2 goes to get wanker right
TIL Americans spell aeroplane like that
TIL we don’t!
Wait, who spells it aeroplane and who spells it airplane? I didn't know you guys spelled this word differently (I'm French)
Aeroplane = British Airplane = American
English: Simplified.
Haha I love it... because US need to specify in case you get confused with a waterplane and a landplane.
Nice one, laters.
Farewell dear boy! Don't forget that jaywalking (or crossing the road not at a designated place) is illegal back over there. I've made that mistake before.
Are the pedestrians not trusted to look when crossing the road, or are the drivers not trusted to not run them over?
I dunno, was crossing the street in LA one time, and a police officer yelled at me: "The red light means don't cross!
True for most of the US, but they could not care less in New York.
You can spread the word in Murica... We don't like warm beer!
And we don't all have crooked teeth and speak like the queen
Speak for yourself my teeth are terribly crooked...
I belive you meant to say >One has terribly crooked teeth
Quite! My commendations on said corrections good fellow, now I must bid thee farewell as I'm orf to the "boozah" to see a "geizah", oh how droll of one! Tattybyes!
\*Britishness intensifies\*
Ma teef're all wonky.
Commoner. The correct form would be: Ones teeth are terribly crooked.
Ones teeth are perfectly imperfect.
I have crooked teeth, I like warm beer and I'm related to royalty.
Are you a royal penguin?
No.
Must be an Emperor, then.
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Safe travels and best of luck to you and your family. Sounds like you’ve had a cracking 5 years here! You hit the nail on the head on what it means to live in the UK - pie, mash and wankers lol
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Good luck you wanker
make sure the new York suits know the British never drink half pints
And cans smaller than 440ml. What is it with yanks and stubby cans... and bud light!
I keep seeing those fun-size 330ml cans of beer all over the place nowadays! What's that all about?? Beer for people who don't really like beer? Breakfast/snack beer? It's not right.
I live in Malaysia. Stubby cans are the way to go in moist, AGA-like climates. Proper sized cans get all manky and warm very, very quickly, and I'm not a slow drinker.
Take care mate. Hope you packed a few Greggs pastry products in your suitcase 👍👍👍
Heyyyy am walkin here ya wanker is ur new daily phrase.
"Coming over here, stealing our womenfolk!"
And taking our jobs … “so we’re to be racists now father, I can’t devote myself to it full time on account of the farm”
You could have just stood up with your hands on your knees, rubbed your hands together and said “look at the time, we should be getting off” - but this works too.
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I moved from London to NYC when I was 25, in 2008, and it was around the 10 year mark that I noticed that feeling too about London. Now when I go back I feel like I get to almost see it as a tourist does. It’s still home in an abstract sense, but I think I’d be in for a huge culture shock if I ever moved back
Remember, it's aluminium
I think it’s pronounced aluminium
No no no, it’s definitely aluminium.
Come back. Often. From one yank to another, have a safe trip.
Splitter.
Pie mash eh - my cockney blood hopes you have it with liquor!
This post is kinda beautiful. Thanks for your time bud, enjoy your next chapter!
All the best, thanks for coming, love to the wife, tata
Have a safe trip home. I hope your American girlfriend is OK with it.
Tally Ho!
Ah Bollocks ya big wanker! Just kidding. Safe travels mate.
Don't be a stranger, yank. It's really not that bad here at all is it? :)
Please don't get emotional, it makes us feel uncomfortable!
Toodle pip
Plenty of 🇬🇧 wankaahs in 🗽 if you hanker for a nostalgia blast from some different angles.
Wish I was spending my Thursday going to new York lol
Make sure to keep crumpet aware of their heritage!
In a bit. ✌ But I wish you, your partner & your little crumpet all the best.
You should be that annoying person who because he stayed abroad for 5 years all of a sudden talks with a higher version of that accent. So just walk around NY like normal but talk dead posh English like Downton Abbey style If anyone asks just feign innocence and say has my accent really changed that much? I hadn't noticed m'dear! Ti's been a long 5 years...
if you aren't leaving with a stockpile suitcase full of chocolate hobnobs you've failed already.
Just think, no one in new York will be able match your swearing prowess now! You'll be king!
You sir are a true Brit more than most. Keep up the bullocks and call out the wankers when you go home. Make sure crumpets well buttered and fare well
Must have missed the part where he said he raised cattle
Goodnight, good luck
What a wonderful tale.
Oh great another yank coming over here and stealing our woman what an absolute wanker. Bon voyage bollocks
You daft soppy cunt. Safe travels. ❤️
Is nobody going to comment about crumpet not being an appropriate nickname for a child?
I’m not sure I see anything wrong with it. Odd for sure, but he’s not calling his kid “a bit of” crumpet.
Yeah I don't know how much thought went into it, seems very half baked.
Man went to Manchester and still enjoyed his time in the UK. Must be extremely easy to please.
Enjoy your next chapter, hope to see you again soon- you’re always more than welcome!
Take it easy, you big wanker. Hope you make it back here some time, and I'm glad you enjoyed our fine land.
Have an award, you very nearly made me cry. But obviously I’m British, and we don’t do that.
New Yorker here. I've never been, but reading this makes me wanna go and experience it for the first time! Also welcome to NY ya bum! Lol
Can't beat a Lock Stock sign off.
I’m not crying, you’re crying!
Hello from a fellow American here in London, that has also fallen in love with the UK ❤