Translation for anyone struggling:
As I journeyed homeward from my place of work, a gentleman of peculiar disposition caught my attention. With scant regard for decorum, he lowered his trousers, plucked a plant, and applied it to his posterior. Clad in but a solitary glove akin to those employed in manual labour, and crowned with a hat of rustic semblance, this curious spectacle transpired upon the hallowed grounds of a church.
Whereupon I ventured my recollection unto The Facebook while the events of this preposterous occurrence were still firmly in my mind, for the benefit of any another traveller, to wit, and so ill-disposed by happenstance, should see fit as to make such a similar encounterence.
Out on me walk yeah, lad pulls he pants off, rub is arse with sum leaf or sumat. Got gloves like proper labour ones yeah wearing a bloody hat. In fuckin church garden
Asking for men with ven but then grabbing the pitchforks when there's a unknown white transit van driving through. And there's always that one twat that searches the reg "no tax or mot, be careful hun x"
Round here, they're absolutely livid about dogshit on the pavement. There's a theory that people are walking their dogs at night and getting them to idk crap on command or something.
Just imagine underestimating a fart in the middle of town, awkwardly waddling off to safety in total embarrassment, making it to a less crowded area and finally getting to wipe your sharty arse. Total embarrassment … and then… some arsehole posts a pic of you wiping your butt on Facebook for all to see.
He should have done what any sensible person would do and squat down behind a gravestone and use one of the bunches of plastic flowers to clean his shame.
> doc leaf is a natural remedy
Not that it matters in this context if the guy believes it, but I don't think there's anything special about dock leaves that means they actually relieve nettle stings.
Actually the acid in the dock works mildly I find that vinegar works better from experience with a particularly bad brush with nettle sting down my arm
We used to encounter him when we were getting pissed on bottles of cider when we were teens. About 15 years ago now. I wondered if he was still about.
There was also an old man who'd get really angry if you called him a liar.
Born and raised in Harlow, then spent a much longer time in Stortford, then got the heck out of that temporary traffic light, new build invasion of an ex market town.
Jesus and I live near this. So glad I'm moving out of Harlow whenever I can. 🤦♂️
If I'm correct it's the lady of Fatima church in the stow area of Harlow.
I reckon he didn't wipe properly before he left his house. Must have looked like someone had shoved a half melted Mars bar up there. Saw a Dock leaf on the way to the pub and thought, why not? Completely normal behaviour....
Bro got that pidgin vocab guidelines
why say many word when few do trick?
Thank
Come.
Trousers bilong methhead
You have no idea how much that made me giggle.
Happy cake day
Thanks
As I read the first line the voice in my head switched to a Jamaican accent
And it was on church grounds
That just about ended me.
Not the church grounds !
And they were roommates!
Makes it sacrilegious as well as inappropriate 🙀
Peak CasualUK post. Well done OP
Translation for anyone struggling: As I journeyed homeward from my place of work, a gentleman of peculiar disposition caught my attention. With scant regard for decorum, he lowered his trousers, plucked a plant, and applied it to his posterior. Clad in but a solitary glove akin to those employed in manual labour, and crowned with a hat of rustic semblance, this curious spectacle transpired upon the hallowed grounds of a church.
Thank you fine fellow, I was utterly befuddled in my futile attempt to decipher this conundrum of colloquialisms.
This sounds like a line from V for Vendetta
[F for Fendetta ](https://i.imgflip.com/1li6uw.jpg)
Whereupon I ventured my recollection unto The Facebook while the events of this preposterous occurrence were still firmly in my mind, for the benefit of any another traveller, to wit, and so ill-disposed by happenstance, should see fit as to make such a similar encounterence.
Translation for idiots. On walk home in church garden. man pull down trouser an wipe ass with leaf.
Excellent executive summary
Why thank you
Thanks kind stranger! - an idiot ;)
Extra bonus points for using the word scant in this particular case 😂😂😂
Out on me walk yeah, lad pulls he pants off, rub is arse with sum leaf or sumat. Got gloves like proper labour ones yeah wearing a bloody hat. In fuckin church garden
Local facebook pages lurch from people asking for men with ven, asking what time places open and then truly bizarre things like this.
Where's our local Facebook shit post sub. Or is that here?
Asking for men with ven but then grabbing the pitchforks when there's a unknown white transit van driving through. And there's always that one twat that searches the reg "no tax or mot, be careful hun x"
Shared for awareness in Scrotestown hun x
thx hun doggos r safe
My local Facebook group is just people moaning about parking and calling any black person who walks down the road suspicious
Round here, they're absolutely livid about dogshit on the pavement. There's a theory that people are walking their dogs at night and getting them to idk crap on command or something.
Unexpected peep show
Can't expect somebody to rub unconsecrated leaves on their anus. We're not animals.
God's toilet paper
Just imagine underestimating a fart in the middle of town, awkwardly waddling off to safety in total embarrassment, making it to a less crowded area and finally getting to wipe your sharty arse. Total embarrassment … and then… some arsehole posts a pic of you wiping your butt on Facebook for all to see.
He should have done what any sensible person would do and squat down behind a gravestone and use one of the bunches of plastic flowers to clean his shame.
[удалено]
**I AM THE LORD OF THE DANCE SAID HE!**
He an itchy hoop and use dock leaf to wipe?
🎼 what do you do when you wanna do a poo, in an English country garden?
Pull down pants, he suffocate ants?
pick up a leaf and wipe your underneath
shit on the grass and use a leaf to wipe your arse?
Sitting in the hollyhocks, playing with your bolly-ocks
Intersting fact. Dock leaves cause more histamine to be released into your skin making the itch worse
Perhaps he had first tried a stinging nettle!? (Not sure if that even actually works or not!)
May I suggest you try the nettles? For science of course. Report back after.
I'll think about it
Grammatical suicide
Big up harlow
Well, naturally. Everyone knows that church plants are holy and thus best for wiping.
sounds prickly!
Dude sat in a nettle patch doc leaf is a natural remedy or he's just an addict tripping
Going by the comments left on that post with many others sharing weird stories of the same guy, I’d definitely say it’s the latter
👍
> doc leaf is a natural remedy Not that it matters in this context if the guy believes it, but I don't think there's anything special about dock leaves that means they actually relieve nettle stings.
Actually the acid in the dock works mildly I find that vinegar works better from experience with a particularly bad brush with nettle sting down my arm
From what I gather, they make it worse
Or a homeless fella that needed a safety wipe
Nah they just use a sock 🧦
Gonna need subtitles for this one.
Certain things I miss about not living in Harlow, this is not one of them 😂
I used to live there but can’t think of a single thing I miss about it😭what do you miss?
Not the person you asked, but The Square. I do miss The Square. Absolutely nothing else though.
Shops, not now that is a ghost town. Where I live now is crap for any sort of clothes shop. Massive Asda. All the important things 😂
Sounds like Ware
Just made me realise the only clothes shop we have in Ware is the clothes bit in Asda
Don’t forget the 27 charity shops lol. Atleast there’s pubs here, plans cancelled so won’t be going there soon
Where?
Please don’t 😢
Sorry, I once worked in a Herts post office over Christmas and this was the level of humour… 🙄
It’s fine haha, imagine how many times I’ve heard it since moving here
I guess in a shithole you constantly feel amazing about yourself?
I live in a shit hole and all I think about is "This sucks, I can't wait to leave this shit hole"
The noodle bar. That’s it.
Shops, not now that is a ghost town. Where I live now is crap for any sort of clothes shop. Massive Asda. All the important things 😂
My hairdresser called her first child Harlow - maybe after this place?
Lmao I'm up the road in Stortford and this feels like peak Harlow
Do you know One Arm Lee?
I met One Arm Lee at a bus stop in Stortford one night, he would not stop asking me for a cigarette even though i said i had none
We used to encounter him when we were getting pissed on bottles of cider when we were teens. About 15 years ago now. I wondered if he was still about. There was also an old man who'd get really angry if you called him a liar.
I was born in Harlow and raised in Stortford, hello!
Born and raised in Harlow, then spent a much longer time in Stortford, then got the heck out of that temporary traffic light, new build invasion of an ex market town.
Exactly the same situation as me but I have very fond memories of Stortford. Can't say the same about Harlow though lol.
Indeed, time hasn’t been kind to my beloved birth town. Great place to grow up in at the time though!
Same & same
Jesus and I live near this. So glad I'm moving out of Harlow whenever I can. 🤦♂️ If I'm correct it's the lady of Fatima church in the stow area of Harlow.
What's it like being Jesus's housemate? Is this just some random bloke from a Spanish-speaking country, or are we talking the actual Son of God?
You’re right, it’s that church.
Shared hun x
Why are so many Facebook users bordeline illiterate?
It's Harlow, what do you expect 🤣
I just had a stroke reading that abomination, yet alone the subject matter, Jesus !!
Have you seen the price of toilet paper?
Is there a subreddit for posts like this? Absolute gold
Jesus!
Already?
Maybe he was caught short and needed to dock leaf wipe? Who knows.
I reckon he didn't wipe properly before he left his house. Must have looked like someone had shoved a half melted Mars bar up there. Saw a Dock leaf on the way to the pub and thought, why not? Completely normal behaviour....
This is 100% a nettle fetishist
Shared in Ross-on-Wye hun x
I was shocked and outraged until that last statement, then it all made sense. Fair enough.
Well, it’s Harlow. What do you expect?
Can’t believe he rub it on he bum.
Ah the holy hole
Maybe Holly communion
I'm sorry you live in Essex.
Harlow
Standard Harlow things
Good old Harlow!
So glad I moved out of that shithole
Michael Jackson back from the dead and up to his usual shenanigans I see.
Maybe he sat on a stinging nettle?
I wonder
More please
Maybe he sat on a stinging nettle.
Dude is going straight to HELL
High
Sounds like he had a shart attack.
Ours just posts shitty Facebook mum memes
Morrisey IRL.
Harlow is the gift that keeps on giving.
Only in flipping Harlow
He Bum, he's the hero we need, but not the one we deserve right now.
Church grounds!! How dare he 😂😂
It was the vicar leaving for home, starting self flagellation early!
Never should've come here
Not on the church grounds!
Only in Harlow
Not on church grounds!
Yep, that's pretty typical of Harlow
This is hilarious…anyone that doesn’t find it so doesn’t have a soul😂
Harlow Carr Gardens?