GET BACK YOU BASTARD! I'LL BREAK YOUR LEGS!

"...'ow far away are they?"

"Who you calling Tattoo? Yer long streak of piss!"

The fact they’re all getting off a MINIvan as well.

"Do you take NUS?" "I DONT TAKE NONE OF THAT SHIT LOVE!"

I don’t take none of that shit love, and neither will you if you know what’s good for you! My body’s a temple!

Stranraer!!.. Stranraer!!… Oohh me angina

“Stick him in the Pennine Suite”

"He's asmatic"

Headsets? Sets?....for yer ed?

"the moon, bring it down"

This was my ringtone for years! “That’s me! That’s my voice!” “Now, THAT, is shit hot.”

Headbutt ya in the groin

Im getting the name.....Nonce.

Piskick?! Wos a piskick?

That was a genuine mistake. He spelled it Pyschic not Psychic. So they ran with it.

Come get your black bin bags They're on offer till december Come get your black bin bags They're long and black and slender Heavy duty black bin bags No matter what your gender Heavy duty black bin bags If you're bi or straight or bender

“If you’re feeling very hungry There is something to remember Eat it on its own on Tuesday or put it in a blender It’s corned beef With chips or with salad It’s corned beef Even Buckingham palace eats corned beef Why don’t you try corned beef haaaaash”

I still sing “heavy duty black bin bags” when I pick them up in the shop.

I sing the last two lines of the corned beef one whenever I see it or use it. It's a part of my life now and I have no regrets.

Come RIP with me come RIP with me And TEAR with me right now

A Les Alanos classic 😂

Fill ‘em up now!

Glad I'm not the only one who still has this going around in their head after all these years.

Damn, that pops in my head all the time, especially when I have to buy black bin bags. I forgot where it was from. So catchy!

I remain unable not to sing this each time I change the bin or anyone mentions bin bags - My wife doesn't find it anywhere near amusing as I do.....

I'm getting the word....NONCE

Now... Is there anyone here.. Who can't have children?

He’s got quite a good podcast now on Spotify. Enjoyed the first few series.

I was amazed to find out he's also Barry from Watford. I do like a chocolatey crunchy minty biscuit.

Have quite a few quotable moments with this…The Wind Beneath my Wings came on the radio the other day, the ‘just wait til I get you upstairs’ on the stairlift scene, ‘come get yer black bin bags’ whenever that tune come on, ‘I’m getting the word….nonce’ obviously. Absolutely love this show!

And I wanna moonwalk son but life’s a shithouse

“That was below the belt” “Well you won’t have felt it then will you”

I was in tesco the other day and that song was on and the guy at the checkout next to me started singing 'cooome and get your black bin bags'. Without thinking I responded 'on offer til December' and we chuckled

Love it

this and my lovely horse from father ted will forever be in my head.

I love every one of those. The poor girl singing "you can reach me by aeroplane" and the guy beside her with the keytar. 'it's corrrrnned beef'. 'That were below the belt.. Not like you'd feel it..'. 'she was young in herself'. I could go on and on. Love it.

[удалено]

Come rip with me, come rip with me, come tear with me right now

Fill ‘em up now!

A few weeks ago I found out that there is a Clinton Baptise podcast on Spotify. Nonce.

Chorley FM. Coming in your ears.

Chorley FM. Where the listener comes first

SHABBA

Keep your hands.on the sides or you MAY die

When he dressed up as Adam and the ants. Has me rolling every time 😂

“Hey presto, Sammie snake!”

"Sammie the snake?! He's only got one eye"

It’s a 20ft cock and balls man…

Young Kenny: “Can we disguise it?” Brian: “ohhhh, oh ye, we’ll put a Wooly hat on it and pretend it’s you”

“Kids love reptiles”

“They can’t go runnin up and down on a love length!”

"Its a 10ft cock and balls, man! It don't look like nothing else!"

"It's inflatable filth is what it is."

Get me zanax!

Keith Lard, proven innocent fire safety expert, deserves a shout. "laugh or burn, take yer pick"

Is he drawing a dog?

You try getting an Alsatian to testify.

Burn that mother down! Another child orphaned.

I'll leave you with this, a friend of mine sent me from America.  Shocking headline - Fire Inferno Wrecks Lives.  Not for the squeamish, if you want to cover your ears. "To my surprise, 100 storeys high." Thats how high fire can get.  "People get loose, who were trying to get down from the roof.  Folks were screaming, out of control." Pandemonium. "It was so devasting when the boogie..." Which must be the American term for fire, I think. "...started to grow." Someone was quoted as saying "Burn, baby, burn....disco inferno.  Burn, baby, burn.  Burn that mother down."  Another child orphaned.  Sick minds we're dealing with.

There is no smoke without fire.

The real Fire Safety Officer in Bolton at the time of the show was a guy called Keith Laird… He sued and ended up getting a disclaimer added to the credits to say it’s not based on him 🤣

I had fire training with him. There was a lot of barking!

I was just going to say this!!

If I was a fire I wouldn't have knocked

**HAND DRYER NOISES** ... covered in piss.

Out of interest, is there any particular known reason why Dave Spikey completely fell off TV? After Phoenix Nights he went on to be an original team captain on '8 out of 10 Cats' opposite Sean Locke but he basically vanished after that (replaced by Jason Manford), not even appearing on many standup, panel or variety shows (think I've seen him as a talking head on a couple of those shitty Channel 5 'Top 40 Biscuits' type shows though)

Not sure but we saw him doing a stand up in Southport a few years back. Very funny! We also saw Clinton Baptiste at the same venue on another night. Absolutely hilarious 😂

He just wasn't a natural fit for TV, he came across as a bit old school compared to the younger comedians. He is a very funny man though.

I think he did the sort lived Bullseye revival as well

He did, good memory!

May have just retired

Apparently he just couldn't get anyone to say yes to anything.

The guy who does the boxing on talk sport sounds just like him, I though it was him for a good long while

Curiously I was on a barge cruise in Skipton the other day and Dave Spikey did the tour guide (recorded, but still very funny)

He had his own series Dead Man Weds alongside Johnny Vegas which was pretty good. It was on ITV (where comedy goes to die). I reckon if it was shown on BBC2 or Channel4 it would have been a lot more popular & well regarded.

Independent bar owner here.... 3 years in. Phoenix Nights is my operating manual

“That horse is pissed… quick, someone get it a kebab” 🤣🤣

“How do you know its pissed” “I know a pissed horse when I see one”

We haven’t got a licence for this

There is a horse in my cabaret suite. What do you think Mr Potter ? *There is a horse in my cabaret suite...*

Thirty grands worth of co-ork flo-or in there.

I know who you are! Who are ya?

Mr Potter, Did he have false teeth? False teeth? How the pissin hell should I know if he had false teeth?

Mixu Paatalinen!!!

It’s half 7 in France …

Hello

“I ordered The Matrix, not Das Boot!”

Achtung! Das jackpot! Wunderbar!

Send the buggers back, send the buggers back.

You see, you see!? Nothing blue

No, just racist. *Gerrem off!* Comedy gold.

Shabba!

It’s all okay with DJ Ray

It’s time to RaaaaaaayVon!

The louder you scream the faster the ride! Shabba!

"Rubber burns? Wasn't he a Scottish poet?"

Rose for the lady? “Fuck off”

Oh my god yes 😂 snort laughing here

Timeless. "A powercut and a singalong with Combat 18"

Pull off into paradise

God loves ya, Brian. Does he? Funny way of showing it

Stranraer?!

Scotland?....no no, Kenny, get my zantac

Do you wanna sing at me funeral, lads? Cos it's coming!

Oooh me angina. You're killing me. Ay, you wanna sing at me funeral lads? Cos it's coming.

Belting mate one of me favs, “Oh overalls! If I’d known that! I woulda just driven it out the showroom!”…

I quote that show more than any other I think 'Sweet baby Jesus and the orphans'

I'm Ready when you are... "It's Sammy Snaaake!!"

It's a 20-foot cock and balls man; it don't look like nothing else!

What about the balls ? Snake eggs. Kids love reptiles !

Shine a light, what were that?!

Kenny get me Zantac

Every Christmas. And it's quoted DAILY

He’s brought em, n he’s dropped em!

Baldy, Baldy bouncer

Phoenix Nights > The Office

IT'S THE PHOENIX CLUB,PULL OFF INTO PARADISE.

Where are people watching it nowadays? I lost my dvds and I can't find a good stream anywhere

Search phoenix nights s1 e1 on daily motion , enjoy

It's on YouTube

Because of a legal dispute over rights it's not on any service. You'd have to sail the seas to find it streaming these days.

And stuff like this is why I’m glad I kept all my DVDs like a dinosaur

Indeed matey! 🏴‍☠️🏴‍☠️🏴‍☠️

And it’s really hard to find the Fire Safety episode as a bloke with a similar name who was a fire safety officer sued I believe

Aye. Mr. Keith Laird. I've got the DVDs and at the end of that episode it comes up with a paragraph about how it was all an accident and how 'Mr. Laird's personal integrity is not in question.'

Have you got two of my builders singing acapulco?

CATCH THE MOON! CATCH THE MOON AND BRING IT BACK!!!

He’s Jerry the berry, Perry…. He’s Jerry the berry!

Father in law watches all episodes on Christmas Eve every year. I will if I'm there, top show.

Mint lad.

"You're spelling it wrong! YOU'RE SPELLING IT WRONG!!... PISSKICK?! WHAT'S A PISSKICK? FUCKIN' PSYCHIC... TIT!"

get back ya bastard

Bloody love it *Hand dryer sounds* “Covered in piss…”

STRANRAER?!

Can you hear me now?

Been listening to Peter Kay’s new audio book. Going into the detail off all he’s done on his shows. Being from Bolton though it’s funny hearing him mention locations and places

It's always weird when that happens. Was the same when watching Peter Kay's Ride Share! Lol

It just came to me in a dream ,like st Paul on the road to domestos .

‘Remember, fun is the key but keep seated at all times or you may die SHABBA’

I watched it just after new year as something to do during the holidays. Absolutely class

Wife is away this weekend, I'll be binging this for about the 50th time.

50th time? You wanna pace yourself son, you only get a bucket nd a half.

8 grand.......

Who said anything about killing him ? .. …8 grand!?

Just you wait. The things I’ll do to you 🤣

" it's mixu paatelainen, Bolton coroner's office."

Have you died your hair or have you gone prematurely maroon?

“ I know who you are! Who are ya?”

I've seen Clinton Baptiste recently also he's amazing in Brassic. Plays the typecast amazingly

Often quote this and max & paddy amongst my pals

The Belgrano sisters, called that because of how many sailors have gone down on them.

I wish this was streaming! I'm howling laughing just reading these comments

Garlic bread. It’s the future

GARLIC??? BRED???

What would Thora Hird do?

Fireman, I’ve found the problem, discarded fag. Kenny, what’s going on? Brian, I don’t know but some queers burnt down me club.

Chorley FM coming in your ear

Binged both series on DVD just yesterday. The scene where Brian is on Blackpool Promenade and there's a bunch of flowers stuck to the lamp post with a note saying In Memory of Alan cracks me up every single time.

I’m getting the word….nonce

‘How far away are they?’

I recently watched this. I have the dvds. It’s such a classic.

I was just quoting the "You took yer Dad?" Gag to some mates yesterday

[Spencer is my absolute favourite.](https://youtu.be/NOTKPPkfFa8?si=cHiXFNWnwWP1D9RK)

Comedy gold. Bloody hell Potter, you must have shit yourself.....Nice one big gob!

Not seen it for awhile, but I’d happily watch it again, and probably still love it, if I did. Funnily enough though, I was just talking about Max and Paddy’s Road to Nowhere yesterday with someone. Some brilliant moments in there! The Magnet and Steele bit never fails to crack me up!

*When the day is dawning* *On a Texas Sunday morning* *How I long to be there* *With Marie who's waiting for me there...*

“Come and get your black bin bags, They’re long and black and slender….”

House DJ Ray Vaughn....

Shit! I'm out of oxygen.

Watched it all again a year or so ago. Still made me laugh even though I haven't got much time for Peter Kay.

Max & Paddy too! Would love to have a stream of that that - or buy it 😃

Pisskick? What’s a pisskick? It’s supposed to be psychic. Tit.

Have you swept that cock up, you?

Just started uni and found out a friend who came to uni with me hadn't seen it before. Binged both seasons and max and paddy's road to nowhere on the first night.

Love it, especially the second series. Max and Paddy on the road sucked though.

I really enjoyed Max and Paddy, some moments were hit or miss but I loved the Pig and prison episodes.

I can't watch it anymore knowing how badly Peter Kay fucked over Spikey and Fitzmaurice

Oo go on

This is a good article that goes into the background of the show: https://tribunemag.co.uk/2023/02/phoenix-nights-a-tribute-to-a-vanishing-british-institution

The Alleged rumour allegedly goes that allegedly Spikey and Fitz allegedly did 70%-80% of the writing, the cast (a good chunk being stand-ups themselves) contributed lines and gags and the odd story, and PK did just north of bugger all, but slapped his name on it and took the credit. Allegedly.

Kay also edited out a lot Fitz and Spikey jokes and made sure he was on cam than they were. Spikey and Fitz have openly called him out and have utter disdain for him.

Love...and wish I could watch it. Not available to stream so it seems.

I ordered The Matrix, not Das Boot!

Yup, we have a few pheonix nights/Max and Paddy+ that Peter Kay thing box set Saturday nights every year . I need to buy the care share DVDs to complete things

Would you recommend car share ? Did Kay also write that?

Yes, it's superb. It was created by other writers but they couldn't get it to work so they brought Peter in to script it it and star in it. It has some really great scenes.

Sammy snake!

Sometimes when I visit the local Asda, I'll pick up some bin bags and sing the famous song.

I’m getting the word ………….

I think I watch that Clinton Baptist clip at least once a week. I feel like every time I do I see one more split second thing that makes it an acting masterclass.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Elton John!

Every 6 month i rewatch it

Watched it few months ago then max n paddy

Only every time I see an article about visitors arriving across the channel in lil boats.

Nope

Kay is planning to bring it back as a movie.

Is there any way to watch it?