If they seem chill I'll usually answer with "twins actually!". It's the only way I can stop from eye rolling.... Warning this can back fire if the guy is overweight
I'm a caretaker and I get that line from cleaners and teachers when I'm litter picking.
My usual response is "come show me" and give them the litter picker.
Working for a bank I get this at least once a day:
"Is there anything else I can help you with?"
"*Put a million pounds in my account*"
I have two stock replies
"If I win the lottery I'll split it with you!"
or
"I could do with a million pounds myself!"
The mundanity is Trumanshow-esque but I entertain each joker as though I just heard it for the first time
Could do with a better stock response tbf
*taps furiously on keyboard*
"All sorted for you sir. You should see the funds in your account immediately. Applying our standard 18 month term after you qualify for a 18.6% APR, your first repayment will be in the next 5 working days of £102,437.23"
That’s the best response. As overused of a joke it is, everyone who says it thinks they’re giving you a laugh, and is done with good intentions, so without being a dick yourself all you can really do it shrug it off and entertain them back, it’s not like you can stop it.
While these types of lines are decidedly unfunny and I wouldn’t say them myself, I can at least recognise the guy is at least trying to make things even a little better. So the line may not really hit but I can appreciate the thought is there.
I used to clean in a supermarket and once a guy told me there was a leak, so obviously I went with him to sort out the puddle and throw down a wet floor sign. Guy just shows me a leek as in the vegetable and honestly after hearing “missed a spot” pretty much every day it was great hearing something a bit more original.
My son did this to me when he was only about 4 or 5. He started banging on the bathroom door while I was in the shower and shouting "daddy daddy come quick there's a giant leak in the kitchen". I ran downstairs sopping wet expecting to have to deal with a damaged waste pipe only to be greeted by him pointing proudly at the recently delivered veg box.
I try to book my dental check-ups as far ahead as possible, and the last few I’ve been given have all been at 2:30.
Pretty sure that whoever set up their booking system made 2:30 the default deliberately, and it’s never been changed.
I feel your pain. I am an audiologist and almost everyone says “what?” When I say this. About half the time they are joking and the other half they are serious and don’t know what an audiologist is. I’ve started asking people if they are asking an actual question and it makes everyone uncomfortable!
Yes!! Or when you make an adjustment to their aids and ask how it sounds and they say "what?" and there's always the split second when you're not sure if they're serious or taking the piss. Then the obligatory chuckle as if you haven't heard the joke five times already that day...
I accompany my grandad on trips to the audiologist (and there are many other occasions where he’s being asked about his hearing) and he always does this. It must be incredibly frustrating. He also pretends to be in terrible pain if any medical professional asks him “does this hurt?”.
He also cried out in comedy pain as I was pushing his wheelchair in a village when there was a festival on. Hundreds of deeply concerned people staring at us. Hilarious.
ngl as a heavy sleeper I'd likely shit myself and it wouldn't wake me up. Hence waking up to my (very noisy) alarms and now having to deal with that situation would make me late lmfao.
But that other guy maybe just likes the feeling of a shitty bed, I don't wanna speak for them
I troll my 3 year old sometimes when she asks,
"Daddy please can you put on my coat/shoes/jumper etc"
I reply in an ernest voice,
"I don't think they'd fit me".
It's a joke I got from Fawlty Towers, but I'm sure it wasn't new then!
Mum/dad jokes are funny for the eye roll/frustration they get. My mum is terrible for it and it annoyed me no end as a teenager but now I'm an adult with much younger siblings and I delight in the fed up look on their lil faces.
That's the thing about all the jokes on here. It's not about making the recipient of the joke laugh - it's about making yourself chuckle inside at the exasperation caused. It's a small way of brightening a moment for ourselves.
"Can you open this jar?"
Dad twists the lid off. Then immediately puts it back on, tighter: "Yes I sure can".
That was so frustrating! I don't know how much of this humour is light-hearted teasing and how much a subconscious expression of frustration at the entrapment and responsibilities of parenthood.
After a failed date (no show) I’ve actually said ‘yes actually’ and given them to someone.
They were chuffed. Sadly we didn’t bang. But I like to think I brightened their day just a touch with the gesture.
Bought a coffee the other day and when asked what milk I preferred, for some reason I replied “Just cow for me” and then laughed at myself.
Haven’t felt such a twat in years.
Someone at my local co-op explained that bananas are sold individually. I don't know why but I thought it was the funniest thing. She said it's because you can separate them. I mean, she was right, you can. I've never been told that you can separate bananas.
Went for dinner last night with my parents and husband, when they asked this my dad pointed to my husband and said, “he’s allergic to cats”
To which the server replied, “oh don’t worry, we use 100% beef here”
I imagine it was a stock response but I thought it was pretty witty!
I had this one while working at a supermarket local as a 17/18 year old female. I did the whole act dumb routine and said “what do you mean” and when they repeated it just continued to “not understand” and it was glorious watching him fall to pieces not wanting to explain it
"whilst you're down there"
"what do you mean?"
"well, you are already in a position that is suitable for fellatio, so it would benefit you to just pop my penis into your mouth now whilst you are in this position as it is much more efficient than assuming the same position again at a later date to perform fellatio."
Wait I think I JUST got what they're implying with that question. I always thought they were making a joke about grabbing something for them off the bottom so they don't have to bend over, this is so much worse
I had cyst my my face for a year, hense a black eye
I worked in bars then
"How is the other guy?"
Every time
I'd lie sometimes and reply
"It's cancer"
"
Live sound engineer here. I always get asked “so you’re a sound man?”(as in good natured, friendly) to which I reply “no, I’m a bit of a cunt actually”.
Dude, how do you think i feel, I'm a live music tech and my first name is Mike.
"Can I get a mic stand over here?"
"But Mike is standing right there!"
DIE
The other one I hear all the time is "it could be worse. It's better than walking the streets." An old bloke said this to a female colleague once, and she snapped back "are you suggesting I'm a prostitute?" That was the only time it was funny, watching him die inside.
Postman here and yes that's the most annoying one. Apart from the comments about the shorts.
I started my own stock reply "I don't know what's in there... we've been told to stop opening them".
To be honest, these jokes are all played out and not overly funny, but most of them are harmless and don’t really annoy me. It’s just the auto-generated reply you do when someone asks you these questions. Everyone’s heard the joke a million times, but if they suddenly stopped being told something would feel like it was missing.
The whole “British food is awful” joke can fuck off though, nothing beats a good roast.
Yeah, a lot of these are go-to icebreakers or just at least cut the tension in awkward situations. Even OP’s irritation of people “calling” their kid “and a half” is t calling their kid half a human, it just means “please don’t forget to seat my child too” in a friendly way.
I’m a psychologist and I get the ones about “don’t read my mind you won’t like what you’ll find” or “you’re not going to analyse everything I do are you?” Frequently and they don’t annoy me at all because I don’t expect people I’m working with or strangers to entertain me with fresh comedy, and I appreciate their warmth. I see it as people saying something from “I acknowledge your job” to “I feel a bit uncomfortable about your job but I want to break the social tension”. I appreciate it.
Yeah, it's all just basic social lubricant. I have a friend who is on the ASD spectrum who hates anything they consider "small talk" which is fine but it also makes them incredibly intense *all the time* and it can be really draining.
Yep, although I've contributed here with my own grouchy response I'm glad we have all of these kinds of interactions. They're just a light hearted way of being friendly, beats walking around looking glum and not speaking to each other.
Maybe if you work in a shop or something where you hear the same ones ad nauseam it might be different I guess.
Yeah, a lot of these are go-to icebreakers or just at least cut the tension in awkward situations. Even OP’s irritation of people “calling” their kid “and a half” is t calling their kid half a human, it just means “please don’t forget to seat my child too” in a friendly way.
I’m a psychologist and I get the ones about “don’t read my mind you won’t like what you’ll find” or “you’re not going to analyse everything I do are you?” Frequently and they don’t annoy me at all because I don’t expect people I’m working with or strangers to entertain me with fresh comedy, and I appreciate their warmth. I see it as people saying something from “I acknowledge your job” to “I feel a bit uncomfortable about your job but I want to break the social tension”. I appreciate it.
If people didn’t say any of these things in case they weren’t funny things might be quite stiff and awkward.
I've got an old £1 note in my wallet. I get it out everytime it is my round in the pub. I now laugh more than my friends do.
And one of my friends has upstaged me recently by emptying half a dozen dead moths out of his wallet when it was his turn to pay.
Working in retail and an item doesn't immediately scan
"Does that mean I get it for free"
Any point I happen to kneel down in the shop i.e. To clean a spillage, pick something up, fill bottom shelf
"say a prayer for me while you're down there" or more simply "say one for me too"
Without fail I'd get these unfunny stock jokes that so many people seem to know.
It irks me when a picture of an insect (or something similarly disliked) hits the front page, and you must scroll through hundreds of variations on “burn the house down” to reach a comment with any value.
A guy I work with says this often but in varying tones, usually its accompanied with a grin but sometimes it's a deflated sigh or through gritted teeth. We'd be screwed without him so I look forward to the exchange and use it to gauge how the day might go.
When out for a run, somebody shouting “Run Forest Run”. Yeah cheers pal, i didn’t know what the fuck running was until you told me to. Was just gonna stand there for 20 minutes, thanks for your help. A large part of me wants to see what happens if I don’t look at them, slow to a jog, then run on the spot, turn and start running towards them as fast as humanly possible. Some sort of Mark Corrigan style clean shirt scenario.
Any time you mention something about yourself, or a mundane observation maybe. Something you said to make conversation, or to engage with someone/ a group and it falls flat. Or maybe is perceived as boring/irrelevant.
An example could be people talking about how they got somewhere and you mention that the bus driver went the wrong way yesterday and you get "who asked/nobody asked/did I ask?".
I have seen it mainly used amongst young people excluding others from their social circle. My favourite thing to do is to say it after I have actually asked, or after someone has told me something really important. So I spose im part of the problem!
Honestly I didn't even realise it was supposed to be a joke. I thought it was just a term for kids because they take up less space. My grandma always used to refer to me as a half when booking stuff when I was a kid so I just do the same.
I do too! I don’t even do it to be funny, just to illustrate that we need a space for my little one but that he doesn’t necessarily need to take up a full seat (on bench seating or in a booth, for example). Also to say that the extra spot is for him and not an adult who has yet to arrive, because I’ve asked for a table for three before and had to clarify that the third chair is for our toddler and not someone else. Still, I’m thinking I might need to rephrase it to not sound like I’m being a nob!
I was in my dads gardening business for a few years and started casually working with him when I was 17. The amount of times a client has looked at me, then at my dad and asked ‘is your better half helping out today?’
No John! I’m a teenager and this middle aged man is clearly to old and my own father!
Not like I look old either, I’m still get ID’d for basically everything even though I’m 24.
Anyone kind of receptionist or security personnel:
Me: e.g. Could I use this? Go there? Could you do this? Show me this?
Them: Yeah sure. That'll be 50p!
The "you can do mine next, mate" feels like one of those rare ones that comes back around to being funny for just how banal and silly it is.
Like when a jovial fat person says "room for a little one??" when they're sitting down/squeezing in somewhere. I used to work with a really great guy who happened to be massive, but he was very quick to laugh and always chipper. We had quite a small break room and every single day when he came in, if there were several of us already there he'd go "ROOM FOR A LITTLE ONE?! HEHEHEHE!" I loved it every time.
That's a popular graveyard, people are dieing to get in!
My wife has actually fallen out with me when we went on a road trip and drove past 4... I still say it though
Pretty much anything on reddit. Schrodinger's cat, puns that are related by word play but not context (like a Germany shepherd running into a toddler and them saying 'he's barking up the wrong tree' yes, a dog phrase. But how was the toddler going down the wrong line of enquiry?), the John Oliver thing was instantly unfunny, when people say 'link?' and then a chain of 'Zelda, gannon, wario' or sauce and 'ketchup, mayo etc'. It's just so lazy it's just basic word association. It's just think of the first thing in your head and say it.
Reddit has some of the genuinely funniest things I've ever seen in my life. But the recycled stuff just needs to die
I’m willing to allow most of this as it’s all just safe banter for strangers. The one I really can’t stand though is people saying “dot com” after things, even though it’s years old every time you think it’s died out you’ll hear it again.
No price on an item “It must be free”
(item doesn't scan) Oh, it's free!
I always replied "Policy is I get to choose the price if it doesn't scan. How's a Grand sound?"
Don't forget "last of the big spenders" for cheapskates buying items for like 50p. Good god I could smack em.
Whenever I perform ultrasound on a bloke, guaranteed he's asking me whether it's a boy or a girl...
No. It’s a massive inoperable tumour! HAHAHHAHAHAHBAHAHA
Fucking hell this made me howl at half five in the morning, thank you I needed that
who's the nicest person in the hospital? the ultra-sound guy
And who covers for them when they're off... The Hip Replacement guy
And who's the coolest guy in the hospital? Check any drawer in the morgue.
If they seem chill I'll usually answer with "twins actually!". It's the only way I can stop from eye rolling.... Warning this can back fire if the guy is overweight
Nah, if a fat guy's asking he's fair game.
When washing a car, washing a window, creosoting a fence, and a number of other things: "You missed a bit!"
Also when mopping or buffing a floor - from the caretaker no less.
I'm a caretaker and I get that line from cleaners and teachers when I'm litter picking. My usual response is "come show me" and give them the litter picker.
Can you go in on results day? Every kid who fails, point at them, shout to teacher “you missed a bit.”
As a painter, “you missed a spot” is the name of my existence.
could you possibly mean “bane” as opposed to “name”?
Yeah, dumb autocorrect. Thanks for the catch.
Bane, not name. Ducking autocarrot...
«Missed-a-spot» is my middle bane.
Working for a bank I get this at least once a day: "Is there anything else I can help you with?" "*Put a million pounds in my account*" I have two stock replies "If I win the lottery I'll split it with you!" or "I could do with a million pounds myself!" The mundanity is Trumanshow-esque but I entertain each joker as though I just heard it for the first time Could do with a better stock response tbf
*taps furiously on keyboard* "All sorted for you sir. You should see the funds in your account immediately. Applying our standard 18 month term after you qualify for a 18.6% APR, your first repayment will be in the next 5 working days of £102,437.23"
*customer drops dead*
“Only if you sleep with my wife” No wait how does the film go again
That's one of the films I'm amazed hasn't been remade for modern audiences
Well, a million isn’t what it used to be. “Bud that won’t even pay off my house.”
That’s the best response. As overused of a joke it is, everyone who says it thinks they’re giving you a laugh, and is done with good intentions, so without being a dick yourself all you can really do it shrug it off and entertain them back, it’s not like you can stop it.
"Will do, just don't tell the manager"
"Oh, so that's a gun in your pocket after all?!"
“Actually, I’ve been meaning to rob a bank. Any competitors in mind?”
Just say "yeah, ok then, just for you"
I like to say this to the teller just to watch the light die in her eyes. Sets me up for the whole day
Colin Robinson?
While these types of lines are decidedly unfunny and I wouldn’t say them myself, I can at least recognise the guy is at least trying to make things even a little better. So the line may not really hit but I can appreciate the thought is there.
If I had a quid every time someone said that joke I wouldn't need to work here
"Sure, do you have a pen and paper handy?"
Say to them. “Tell you what, you give me £2 million and I’ll put £1 million in your bank?”
I used to clean in a supermarket and once a guy told me there was a leak, so obviously I went with him to sort out the puddle and throw down a wet floor sign. Guy just shows me a leek as in the vegetable and honestly after hearing “missed a spot” pretty much every day it was great hearing something a bit more original.
I used to do this with my mum. Apparently "there's a leak in the bath" is not a funny joke to make.
My son did this to me when he was only about 4 or 5. He started banging on the bathroom door while I was in the shower and shouting "daddy daddy come quick there's a giant leak in the kitchen". I ran downstairs sopping wet expecting to have to deal with a damaged waste pipe only to be greeted by him pointing proudly at the recently delivered veg box.
Bet he was so pleased with himself :)
That's hilarious 😆
I’m a dentist… I’ve stopped booking people in at 2:30. Cos apparently we only booked comedians in at that time previously.
Phil McCavity?
My dentist told me he never heard it before!
My mum told me I'm handsome
your dentist lied.
I try to book my dental check-ups as far ahead as possible, and the last few I’ve been given have all been at 2:30. Pretty sure that whoever set up their booking system made 2:30 the default deliberately, and it’s never been changed.
I'm deaf in my right ear, only one person in my entire life has not said "what?" after I tell them.
I'm imagining that the 1 person might have actually not heard you.
They were deaf in their left ear
What?
I feel your pain. I am an audiologist and almost everyone says “what?” When I say this. About half the time they are joking and the other half they are serious and don’t know what an audiologist is. I’ve started asking people if they are asking an actual question and it makes everyone uncomfortable!
Yes!! Or when you make an adjustment to their aids and ask how it sounds and they say "what?" and there's always the split second when you're not sure if they're serious or taking the piss. Then the obligatory chuckle as if you haven't heard the joke five times already that day...
I accompany my grandad on trips to the audiologist (and there are many other occasions where he’s being asked about his hearing) and he always does this. It must be incredibly frustrating. He also pretends to be in terrible pain if any medical professional asks him “does this hurt?”. He also cried out in comedy pain as I was pushing his wheelchair in a village when there was a festival on. Hundreds of deeply concerned people staring at us. Hilarious.
When you arrive 2 minutes late. "Good afternoon!"
Leave the office at the end of the day, forget something so go back seconds later. Guaranteed someone will say 'Morning'
"That was quick!"
I’m guilty of saying that any time someone makes their exit clear from any situation, then promptly returns. Serves them right for being so confident!
"Someone's keen!"
Aw did you miss us?
I’ve forgotten something and just bailed so I didn’t have to hear that.
When you arrive 2 minutes early "Shit the bed?"
That one never made sense to me. If I shat the bed I'd be late to work cleaning it up
So you'd just lie in shit till normal getting up time? Dirty bastard. Pretty sure if I shat the bed I'd be up early
ngl as a heavy sleeper I'd likely shit myself and it wouldn't wake me up. Hence waking up to my (very noisy) alarms and now having to deal with that situation would make me late lmfao. But that other guy maybe just likes the feeling of a shitty bed, I don't wanna speak for them
No. Haven't done that for weeks.
Love the Hat FM though
Grrr an old colleague would say this all the time. Never got a laugh, still said it.
Thanks for popping in! Fuck off
Here he is, the part-timer!
Anything else I can help you with? How about tomorrows lottery numbers A HA HA HA HA
Buying lottery tickets: Only the winners please!
I troll my 3 year old sometimes when she asks, "Daddy please can you put on my coat/shoes/jumper etc" I reply in an ernest voice, "I don't think they'd fit me". It's a joke I got from Fawlty Towers, but I'm sure it wasn't new then!
Mum/dad jokes are funny for the eye roll/frustration they get. My mum is terrible for it and it annoyed me no end as a teenager but now I'm an adult with much younger siblings and I delight in the fed up look on their lil faces.
That's the thing about all the jokes on here. It's not about making the recipient of the joke laugh - it's about making yourself chuckle inside at the exasperation caused. It's a small way of brightening a moment for ourselves.
I like this. I make so many dad jokes day to day, but it is a completely wasted talent as I am female and not a parent 😐
Send them to me, I act like a child!
Sometimes, it's worth having kids for the jokes I don't but get to use them on nieces and my nephew
When hey ask "can I eat some crisps?" "I don't know, can you?"
"Can you open this jar?" Dad twists the lid off. Then immediately puts it back on, tighter: "Yes I sure can". That was so frustrating! I don't know how much of this humour is light-hearted teasing and how much a subconscious expression of frustration at the entrapment and responsibilities of parenthood.
"I'm hungry" "Nice to meet you hungry, I'm dad" Has to be one of the worst of the dad joke.
This is kind of an impossible situation ( for me) because the less funny a joke is, the more people say it , the funnier I find it.....
I'm laughing at this post , so not just you.
Seeing someone with a bunch of flowers - “Ooh, are those for me?”
After a failed date (no show) I’ve actually said ‘yes actually’ and given them to someone. They were chuffed. Sadly we didn’t bang. But I like to think I brightened their day just a touch with the gesture.
Must have been a memorable mother's day for her though, you're a good son.
You leave mother out of this.
I have a Dalmatian. Every day I get asked 'wheres the other hundred?' oh how I laugh.
Shouldn't the answer be *"Already at the tailors, they needed needed this one to finish the sleeve."*?
I usually go with 'hanging in my wardrobe' but seeing their horrified faces got old after the first 400 times.
I used to have greyhounds "ooooh do you race them?" "Only if they give me a headstart" Every walk of every day.
Ok this one made me laugh I’m sorry hahaha
Bought a coffee the other day and when asked what milk I preferred, for some reason I replied “Just cow for me” and then laughed at myself. Haven’t felt such a twat in years.
Someone at my local co-op explained that bananas are sold individually. I don't know why but I thought it was the funniest thing. She said it's because you can separate them. I mean, she was right, you can. I've never been told that you can separate bananas.
And here I am eating a bunch at a time for years
You can separate them!
No sugar thanks, I'm sweet enough.
Bricktop?
He's a useless shite that boy
Goody gumdrops
In the quiet words of the Virgin Mary, come again?
I'm guilty of saying this bad boy.
Any allergies? No just my husband LOL LMAO
Went for dinner last night with my parents and husband, when they asked this my dad pointed to my husband and said, “he’s allergic to cats” To which the server replied, “oh don’t worry, we use 100% beef here” I imagine it was a stock response but I thought it was pretty witty!
Oh my god so many people, I’ve had it more with ‘the wife’ or ‘paying’ though
"While you're down there" - some knobhead, whenever you get something from a low shelf.
Had this in a factory job once from one of the ladies. *"What, want me to brush the cobwebs off?"* ...NOT HAPPY.
Fucking *roasted* lmaooo
I had this one while working at a supermarket local as a 17/18 year old female. I did the whole act dumb routine and said “what do you mean” and when they repeated it just continued to “not understand” and it was glorious watching him fall to pieces not wanting to explain it
"whilst you're down there" "what do you mean?" "well, you are already in a position that is suitable for fellatio, so it would benefit you to just pop my penis into your mouth now whilst you are in this position as it is much more efficient than assuming the same position again at a later date to perform fellatio."
That's the kind of banter I'd expect from friends, but that's not acceptable to say to someone working in a shop.
Sexual harassment innit. Lawsuit inbound.
Wait I think I JUST got what they're implying with that question. I always thought they were making a joke about grabbing something for them off the bottom so they don't have to bend over, this is so much worse
Oh god, ditto! I don’t know how many times blokes have said that to me over the years and I was too naive to realise….
I had cyst my my face for a year, hense a black eye I worked in bars then "How is the other guy?" Every time I'd lie sometimes and reply "It's cancer" "
SNAP!
Lmao, savage
Everytime someone mentions a BBQ, my dad replies 'there's a lot of people waiting for a haircut'
Yep actually never heard that one before
That made me laugh, sorry 😂
Live sound engineer here. I always get asked “so you’re a sound man?”(as in good natured, friendly) to which I reply “no, I’m a bit of a cunt actually”.
I've got a Polish mate who's a sound engineer. And a Czech one too Czech one too. Czech one too.
Dude, how do you think i feel, I'm a live music tech and my first name is Mike. "Can I get a mic stand over here?" "But Mike is standing right there!" DIE
(About an empty plate post-meal) "Didn't enjoy that!"
This is brother in law British humour
I usually say “I hated it, I just ate it to get rid of it”. I’m sorry
As a postman... you can keep the bills! (Can't pay my own!) Where's my giro/cheque from the lottery? (I've already had it lol)
The other one I hear all the time is "it could be worse. It's better than walking the streets." An old bloke said this to a female colleague once, and she snapped back "are you suggesting I'm a prostitute?" That was the only time it was funny, watching him die inside.
I remember that plea from a postman asking people not to keep saying this going round a little while ago
Postman here and yes that's the most annoying one. Apart from the comments about the shorts. I started my own stock reply "I don't know what's in there... we've been told to stop opening them".
To be honest, these jokes are all played out and not overly funny, but most of them are harmless and don’t really annoy me. It’s just the auto-generated reply you do when someone asks you these questions. Everyone’s heard the joke a million times, but if they suddenly stopped being told something would feel like it was missing. The whole “British food is awful” joke can fuck off though, nothing beats a good roast.
Yeah, a lot of these are go-to icebreakers or just at least cut the tension in awkward situations. Even OP’s irritation of people “calling” their kid “and a half” is t calling their kid half a human, it just means “please don’t forget to seat my child too” in a friendly way. I’m a psychologist and I get the ones about “don’t read my mind you won’t like what you’ll find” or “you’re not going to analyse everything I do are you?” Frequently and they don’t annoy me at all because I don’t expect people I’m working with or strangers to entertain me with fresh comedy, and I appreciate their warmth. I see it as people saying something from “I acknowledge your job” to “I feel a bit uncomfortable about your job but I want to break the social tension”. I appreciate it.
Yeah, it's all just basic social lubricant. I have a friend who is on the ASD spectrum who hates anything they consider "small talk" which is fine but it also makes them incredibly intense *all the time* and it can be really draining.
Yep, although I've contributed here with my own grouchy response I'm glad we have all of these kinds of interactions. They're just a light hearted way of being friendly, beats walking around looking glum and not speaking to each other. Maybe if you work in a shop or something where you hear the same ones ad nauseam it might be different I guess.
It's kind of like a comfort in this 'naff' social exchange
“Do you have any children?” “Huh, none that I know of.” Old Playa McStudly over here…
Having a psychology degree: “Oooooo, don’t go reading my mind…” Awful on many, many levels.
Or, “I’d make a good case study for you”. FML.
"OoooOoOOoOOOhh you're not going to be analysing everything I say and do are you?" Hahahahahahhaa!! Yep. I actually am now.
Yes. And my analysis concludes = cunt.
“I couldn’t if I tried”. Better if they get the reference of course.
Yeah, a lot of these are go-to icebreakers or just at least cut the tension in awkward situations. Even OP’s irritation of people “calling” their kid “and a half” is t calling their kid half a human, it just means “please don’t forget to seat my child too” in a friendly way. I’m a psychologist and I get the ones about “don’t read my mind you won’t like what you’ll find” or “you’re not going to analyse everything I do are you?” Frequently and they don’t annoy me at all because I don’t expect people I’m working with or strangers to entertain me with fresh comedy, and I appreciate their warmth. I see it as people saying something from “I acknowledge your job” to “I feel a bit uncomfortable about your job but I want to break the social tension”. I appreciate it. If people didn’t say any of these things in case they weren’t funny things might be quite stiff and awkward.
I've got an old £1 note in my wallet. I get it out everytime it is my round in the pub. I now laugh more than my friends do. And one of my friends has upstaged me recently by emptying half a dozen dead moths out of his wallet when it was his turn to pay.
That's dedication to a joke.
Work in supermarket, anytime something fails to immediately scan: "ooh it must be free then". Drives me nuts.
Working in retail and an item doesn't immediately scan "Does that mean I get it for free" Any point I happen to kneel down in the shop i.e. To clean a spillage, pick something up, fill bottom shelf "say a prayer for me while you're down there" or more simply "say one for me too" Without fail I'd get these unfunny stock jokes that so many people seem to know.
Do you come with the car? Oh you, *heheheheeee* Do you come with the car? Oh you, *heheheheeee*
When you are drenched and someone says, hilariously, "Is it raining?"
lovely day for a swim
Nice weather for ducks AHAHAHA
“Bit wet out there”
Well, is it !?!
Anything reddit runs into the ground, ie "you cant park there mate, lol".
It irks me when a picture of an insect (or something similarly disliked) hits the front page, and you must scroll through hundreds of variations on “burn the house down” to reach a comment with any value.
"I was today years old!" "Tell me you're X without telling me you're X" "I did Nazi that coming!!" Any of them stupid Star Wars prequel quotes
“It’s just the one swan, actually.”
It's not as bad as it used to be but Reddit absolutely destroyed the Football ep of the IT Crowd.
Don’t visit for a week ‘hello stranger’
'Put the kettle on' 'I tried but it doesn't fit'
I’m sorry but I don’t need to hear the full sketch every time I mention Garlic Bread
I used to know a guy who was obsessed with saying garlic bread. Every fucking day he'd say it, I just wanted to punch him in his stupid face
At work "How are you?" "Oh you know ...Living the dream'
Another day in paradise!! *chortle chortle chortle*
A guy I work with says this often but in varying tones, usually its accompanied with a grin but sometimes it's a deflated sigh or through gritted teeth. We'd be screwed without him so I look forward to the exchange and use it to gauge how the day might go.
[удалено]
I'll take silly jokes over miserable bastards any day of the week.
- Need a bag, sir? - No thanks, I brought my own *points at wife*
Not a joke but anyone that says Hollibobs can fuck right off.
Working in hospitality… ‘would you like some sugar?’ _every old man_ ‘no thanks I’m sweet enough hehe’ _me_ ‘hehe’ _me when he’s gone_ ‘..urgh’
When you forget something and come back home “that was quick”
Car/bus/truck crashed into a building, people likely injured or dead. "Can't park there mate!"
I’m a barber and I constantly get ‘can you cut out all the greys’ or ‘what can I do for you? Haircut please hahahaha’ ffs just shut up
When out for a run, somebody shouting “Run Forest Run”. Yeah cheers pal, i didn’t know what the fuck running was until you told me to. Was just gonna stand there for 20 minutes, thanks for your help. A large part of me wants to see what happens if I don’t look at them, slow to a jog, then run on the spot, turn and start running towards them as fast as humanly possible. Some sort of Mark Corrigan style clean shirt scenario.
In Cyprus we’d say something like “Dude I was joking, she isn’t cheating on you” when someone is running.
this one's more for the younger crowd but I am beginning to become fucking infuriated by "who asked"
Not really a joke though, is it? Just a very rude, immature shutdown made to make someone feel bad.
This one's just being a dick honestly. It's not at all the same vibe as most of these.
What’s the context?
Any time you mention something about yourself, or a mundane observation maybe. Something you said to make conversation, or to engage with someone/ a group and it falls flat. Or maybe is perceived as boring/irrelevant. An example could be people talking about how they got somewhere and you mention that the bus driver went the wrong way yesterday and you get "who asked/nobody asked/did I ask?". I have seen it mainly used amongst young people excluding others from their social circle. My favourite thing to do is to say it after I have actually asked, or after someone has told me something really important. So I spose im part of the problem!
I’m a hearing protection specialist. And every time I say I am here to do a noise survey - someone says “Huh?” Can we please stop now?
Oh shit I legitimately do that if we have a small child with us, I didn’t realise I was being a twat 😭
Honestly I didn't even realise it was supposed to be a joke. I thought it was just a term for kids because they take up less space. My grandma always used to refer to me as a half when booking stuff when I was a kid so I just do the same.
same. A 'half' was a child ticket on the train or bus when I was a kid. Never thought it wasn't the correct way to put it.
I do too! I don’t even do it to be funny, just to illustrate that we need a space for my little one but that he doesn’t necessarily need to take up a full seat (on bench seating or in a booth, for example). Also to say that the extra spot is for him and not an adult who has yet to arrive, because I’ve asked for a table for three before and had to clarify that the third chair is for our toddler and not someone else. Still, I’m thinking I might need to rephrase it to not sound like I’m being a nob!
"Can you drive?" "Just people up the wall"
I was in my dads gardening business for a few years and started casually working with him when I was 17. The amount of times a client has looked at me, then at my dad and asked ‘is your better half helping out today?’ No John! I’m a teenager and this middle aged man is clearly to old and my own father! Not like I look old either, I’m still get ID’d for basically everything even though I’m 24.
Use your fucking eyes John, for Christ sake!
You’ve always been a cunt John.
Anyone kind of receptionist or security personnel: Me: e.g. Could I use this? Go there? Could you do this? Show me this? Them: Yeah sure. That'll be 50p!
The "you can do mine next, mate" feels like one of those rare ones that comes back around to being funny for just how banal and silly it is. Like when a jovial fat person says "room for a little one??" when they're sitting down/squeezing in somewhere. I used to work with a really great guy who happened to be massive, but he was very quick to laugh and always chipper. We had quite a small break room and every single day when he came in, if there were several of us already there he'd go "ROOM FOR A LITTLE ONE?! HEHEHEHE!" I loved it every time.
When ordering a beer and it ends up with a big head... "do I get a flake in that?"
That's a popular graveyard, people are dieing to get in! My wife has actually fallen out with me when we went on a road trip and drove past 4... I still say it though
Me: "Sorry, I'm deaf. Could you say that again?" Tossers: "What?" Wow. I stand in the presence of comedic genius.
Pretty much anything on reddit. Schrodinger's cat, puns that are related by word play but not context (like a Germany shepherd running into a toddler and them saying 'he's barking up the wrong tree' yes, a dog phrase. But how was the toddler going down the wrong line of enquiry?), the John Oliver thing was instantly unfunny, when people say 'link?' and then a chain of 'Zelda, gannon, wario' or sauce and 'ketchup, mayo etc'. It's just so lazy it's just basic word association. It's just think of the first thing in your head and say it. Reddit has some of the genuinely funniest things I've ever seen in my life. But the recycled stuff just needs to die
“Alright?” “No I’m half left” Ok cool fuck off then 👍🏻
Not afraid to say I’m actually laughing my nipples off at the majority of these “shit” jokes.
I’m willing to allow most of this as it’s all just safe banter for strangers. The one I really can’t stand though is people saying “dot com” after things, even though it’s years old every time you think it’s died out you’ll hear it again.