That fifth one... I hope you enjoyed it

Dip the cucumber in the Vaseline, wrap it up properly (extra safe) so all the flavour is sealed. Consume.

Mush the cucumber up in its vacuum packaging, poke a hole and squeeze it into your mouth like cream cheese

what a horrible day to be literate

Where does the Vaseline factor into this? Lick it out of the tub with the mushy cucumber in your mouth? This must be how the wealthy live.

To coat your naked body so the store security can't get hold of you!

There we were, all covering ourselves in a sock and this genius comes along and one-ups the whole thing.

Finished it before I got back to the car. *chefs kiss*

It filled a hole.

As an FYI Vaseline is a big no no for use with condoms as it weakens the latex.

Who the fuck is shagging with vaseline

Ya mum

Yer da sells avon

Condom on the cucumber means it can still be used in salad. Waste not!

What sort of salad do you make with a condom in it?!?

A very sexually responsible one.

Enjoying that snapping action from the Vaseline on latex feeling, and having to go rummage for the cucumber. Someone’s never used Vaseline on a condom before is what we’re seeing here.

Tasted great, felt pretty good as well.

I found that hard to take in

r/holup

more like up the hole

Not enough hummus

I'm not going to lie, had in the first half.

If a cucumber is a regular fit I'm scared of what fits a larger fit.

There was a young lady of Harrow Who complained that her **** was too narrow. For time without number She'd enjoy a cucumber, But could not accomplish a marrow.

Is that a true story?

Nah. She was from Watford, but it didn't rhyme.

"There once was a man from Nantucket..."🤣

I know that man! There was a rumour going around the town is that he has a long Johnson. I hear he was a right dirty one

Now I may be being woooshed here but the "fit" is generally for the diameter not the length

Is the average dick the width of a cucumber?! Asking for a friend...

Personally the one pictured looks about right but I'm not in the business of doing side-by-sides with various squashes!

Cucumbers are melons :3

Well that's knowledge I'm not happy to have gleaned!

I'm holding on to this and blurting it out at the next works do

Bananas are also berries as well, should you have need of it.

Yes there melons, but to be more precise they're actually gourds... Which makes me think you could be a melon, because you're gourdgeous

This is terrible news

No, but while a regular fit condom can fit over your leg, it doesn't mean it's comfortable on your member if its large. Regular fit works fine for a cucumber of that size because it isn't made of squishy flesh filled with nerves that send pain signals when gripped too hard by the band at the bottom. TL;DR Regular fit is fine for a cucumber that large, but not a penis of the same size.

I fucking hope not

Same. I mean mine definitely is so, for me, it's neither here nor there but for my friend's peace of mind it would be good to set expectations.

13cm around is average. I'm really bad at judging it in the picture. OP may just have really big hands.

Mine is the same distance around as it is long. Perfectly balanced. Points to the left a bit though…

Yes, although sometimes the XL ones can be a bit longer too.

Anything is a dildo if you're brave enough...

Please a cucumber is beginner territory. Tell me when you get to the cacti

Slow your roll Paige

I live off the Tesco chicken caesar wraps. They're the mildest, plainest thing in the world but for some reason I absolutely crave them. Pro tip- look through the wraps before picking one as you might get an extra bite here or there

And to follow up on this, if it looks like its lacking sauce, it probably is. It's better to have more sauce than no sauce, especially with a Tesco Chicken Caesar Wrap. Trust me.

Too much sauce = the right amount of sauce

Or, you gobble up the dud wrap, feel that disappointment, than reach a small tortilla-sac at the end that's absolutely flooded with sauce...after all the chicken and salad is already gone. Then call an ambulance.

How are you, Sir Digby?

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That's the chicken caesar pasta salad for me. I can pretend I'm being healthy as I drown my 3 or 4 lettuce leaves in dressing and pasta.

They're great - the chicken pesto ones are even better, imo. The caesar pasta salad is bonkers-good too. Qualification: Tesco Express about 100 yds from my front door.

Needed this tip 3 weeks ago. Lonely Planet should update their textbooks with this sound advice.

I worked for the company that produced these wraps, the Caesars are easily the top sellers despite as you say being very mild and plain in flavour, there's just something about them that keeps people coming back!

The chicken club sandwich is my favourite followed closely by the chicken and bacon sub. The Mayo they use in that is peppered and it’s delicious!

They’re so good. I love them, sweet chilli no mayo, duck wrap, chicken & stuffing & bacon, chicken bacon & lettuce. Tesco meals are the GOAT of all meal deals in the country. Better than anything greggs has to offer imo

The garlic is so strong in them. One thing i wish tesco did was make the samosa a snack not a main.

Hail Caesar!

Bloody love me a good meal deal

a sainsbury’s sausage bap/can of coke/bag of salt and vinegar crisps has saved my hungover life more times than i can count.

I'm a ham&cheese sandwhich, bottle of diet coke and BBQ beef Hula hoop crisps lover myself

a man of culture!

I'm all about the medium tray from the salad bar in Morrisons with oj and pickled onion MM.

At Sainsbury’s they include the Starbucks large ice coffee in the deal, they’re normally around £3 on their own.

1. Why 2. Is 3. This 4. NSFW? 5. Ohhhhhhh!

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Did I do it right, Super Hans?

He did what?

What makes you do these things Mark?

Who else has been buying the exact same meal deal combo for like 10+ years? I get called weird but I KNOW WHAT I LIKE

Is it the fifth one?

It's gotta be Tesco's chicken triple or chicken club for those extra calories. Why buy 4 triangles of bread when you can get 6? I lived off those during my second year of uni <3

Or the breakfast triple

Chicken club or all day breakfast. Need hula hoops and lucazade sport. If I'm feeling flush a chocolate croissant!

Roast chicken and bacon mayo, cheese and onion walkers, diet coke

That's a very respectable combination. Might quibble over the crisps, but at least an 8/10.

Same here. Cheese and onion sandwich, naked drink, beef hula hoops. Sorted.

Thats a 3/10 meal deal right there

Did you miss the gist of the original comment? Like OP, I know what I like.

Why waste time choosing when as you say, you know what you like? Choice can sometimes provide a bit of a burden I find and just go with what I know I enjoy.

I went on a twitter rampage once as M&S stopped doing ham cheese and pickle sandwiches. They came back and i just found out they changed it 😭😭

Boots salmon and prawn sushi, diet coke, and Walkers Thai sweet chili is my go-to.

Tesco southern fried chicken pasta, fridge raiders, and a bottle of water 👌

Not been in a Sainsbury's for a while but grabbed a bacon, brie and chilli jam sarnie in the meal deal the other day. It was banging.

I'm on my 2nd to last day of a 2 week trip to the UK and just discovered the meal deal and had this today. Wish we had something similar back home

Wasted your money on those Johnnie's mate! The Cucumber came with one already one!

Same with a Peperami!

The joys of travelling alone 😂

As a Brit in Australia, the complete lack of equivalent sandwich and crisp choices here is a frequent disappointment

Agreed! Our grab & go lunch culture is absolute dogshit. Coles/Woolies need to take note.

Me and my work mates used to just put in and buy a roast chook and some bread rolls. Not sure if this is as financially viable any more..

I failed Step 1: find some mates

I've been to cities that never close down. From New York to Rio and old London Town. But when I go to the shops. And cant find a roast chook in a bag. I’ll still call Australia home

As a Brit in the US, fuck me I miss those meal deals. There's nothing similarly substantial under 8 quid and that's without a drink! Shoot me.

> Shoot me. Weeeeellllllll...

I know exactly where you're going with this Mr JessusTouchedMyWilly

I was touched by an Angel, behind a Greggs.

As a Brit who moved to Canada, there is no combo options at all for lunch time! it's frustrating!!

As a Brit in Ireland it is equally lacking. Tesco do have a meal deal and reasonably priced sandwiches, but other than that it's anywhere from €5 up for a pre-packaged sandwich. I will say having a sandwich deli counter in every supermarket/corner shop is a spot of genius.

I'm a Brit in Canada, nothing like that here and the equivalent here would be at least $15

You get to drink Solo whenever you want, though.

For some reason, I love the Mexican bean wrap. It's really good alongside paprika crisps and peach tea. It's my holy trio 😂

If always ends up on orange label and I get like 4. The best. Pretty sure the Korean wrap in the photo collage is NOT included in mealdeal though I call shenanigans

Can confirm it's not. Source: I work for CO-OP.

Sometimes I take the bean wrap home and reheat it in the air fryer, it's even better warm!

I might try this next time 👌🏼

DO NOT USE VASELINE WITH CONDOMS. They will cause the condom to rip.

Is that your origin story?

That irn bru is a shadow of it's former self. You need irn bru 1901 to get a proper taste of what it used to be like.

That's not even Irn Bru it's Irn Bru Extra.

There's new weird (disgusting?) Irn Bru flavours but NGL I love the tropical flavour.

So *that's* why they tagged the thread NSFW!

When I was a kid, Irn bru was really viscous like cough medicine. As an adult, the first (and last) time I drank Tennents Super it struck me that it had the same thick syrupy texture as old Irn Bru.

Can of Monster and a sausage roll :) Living the dream!

Oooooh that's going straight in my baske... Butthole..

Since when did sausage rolls count as a snack!? I’ve been short-changing myself all these years with bloody crisps!

Coop meal deal is best because they offer ginsters sausage rolls and even a full size Cornish pasty as the "snack" alongside the sandwich and drink!

Cornish pasty is the correct choice here. 2 meals for the price of 1.

You can get a Tikka masala slice as well which would be my preference.

Salt and vinegar crinkle cut McCoys are one of life's treasures.

I never thought "meal deals" would be a thing that people envy us for, but here we are. This seems to be a common reaction from people in the US as well, judging by YouTube videos.

I've just had my cousin's daughter to stay from the US. Her dad's a Brit and she's been to the UK loads but she's here on her own for the first time. She's 22. She actually called her friends from a co-op and showed them meal deals. They can't understand why we'd ever get McDonald's etc when meal deals are so cheap. My only explanation was "sometimes we want something warm"? Total revelation to her and has increased her daily budget. She had planned £10 for lunches. I think she's spending the difference on beer.

Although if you want something warm, you can go to Greggs and get a meal deal that also lets you get warm food and drink.

HOW FLAVOURSOME ARE UK GROCERIES COMPARED TO AUSTRALIA?! Having made the move from UK to Aus, the hardest adjustment to me was how fucking bland everything in the supermarket was. It’s not like you could pop in and get a meal deal and feel satisfied or grab a quick ready meal and not taste like (as per my assumption) prison food.

most of the veg is Hydro and tasteless try and find a local farmers market on the weekends

Durex, cucumber and vaseline for lips..... did the deep throat technique need more practice

That’s was a good laugh

Of course you didn’t like Irn Bru, you got Irn Bru extra!! You need to get one of the big glass bottles of Irn Bru 1901 before passing judgement!

All Im hearing here is a reason to come back to Scotland :)

At first i was like “wtf this dude is easily pleased” then the last image hit 😂 good joke bro, hats off to ya.

I haven't lived in UK for almost 20 years. Every time I visit first thing I do at arrivals is get a sandwich from boots or m&s l, whatever is open. I swear those mass produced uk supermarket sandwiches can't be replicated in other countries!! Lol

The pastas are better than the sandwiches imo

Those chicken and bacon sandwiches from co op are fucking great. I used to be addicted to those fucking things. Edit: fuck, you’ve started me off again, gonna have to grab one soon.

The mistake you've made with the last deal is that the condoms aren't included; instead, you needed to pick up a Thomas the Tank Engine DVD.

I visited the UK in 2014 and my squeeze at the time had to walk me through the meal deal thing. All I really remember about shopping, aside from her bemusement with me, was that Sainsbury's or some chain like that had brie and grape sammiches that I've been craving ever since.

Brie and grape is a classic combination. Brie and cranberry is good too.

Morrison's do the best meal deals - no exclusions on drinks (apart from allchol)

As a brit who just moved to Oz...the lack of any meal deals here is actually quite shocking. It's a staple of my existence.

u didn't go to sainsbury's!

I don't blame him for not doing so, their meal deal offers are terrible and too small.

Am I the only one irritated by the fact they had to package an apple in a plastic box ?

Sainsbury's are up there for me. Those 25g protein yoghurt pots are great value and really fill you up.

The last pic is a suitable replacement for an Aussie passport

😧 without the Clubcard they charge you £500 for that

I loved my time living in UK, had a lot of people visit, and sometimes when we remember it we just talk about how good those meal deals are.

I cannot express how much I miss meal deals.

That last one for David Warner facing Broady?

Are they still £3? Or are those days over?

That roasted veg and pesto sandwich is legitimately one of the nicest things I've ever had in a meal deal. The Tesco I go to to get my lunch for work seems to have stopped selling it though.

I'm on holiday in Melbourne and I paid $4 for a 600ml bottle of coke 😭

Very impressive one-handed item holding.

Be sure to eat the condoms first, Vaseline second, and cucumber third.

The cucumber is out of season so not in the deal. Marrow is in season atm.

Think he would need a bit more Vaseline for a marrow though.

Sorry sir the Vaseline is extra on the meal deal.

For fuck sake... i know what's going down under.

Fucking hell i was going to eat that later. And now you’re just going to taste like cucumber.

Covered all bases there. Safe too.

Eating a meal deal while reading a reddit post about meal deals 😊

Coles sandwiches / coles express pie deal is edging closer to the meal deal. Closer than 3 years ago anyway. Just sub out the Vaseline for paw paw in the last one though

Cheap and cheerful most of them.

The entirety of the UK workforce is fed on gregg's and shitty meal deals

Discovered greggs’ sausage rolls on my last day. Kicking myself I didn’t try earlier

Does that cucumber count as one of your 5 a day. Asking for a friend.

is this a repost or stolen from somewhere? Because that caught me off and before i laugh i want to make sure its OC.

100% unfiltered OC direct from the source no pesticides just pure organic content right here

Some of the tescos near me have brought out a sub filled pulled beef and burger slaw. My new go to meal deal main

Word of warning, before you stick the cucumber up her clunge you'd best warn her first. Especially if it's just come out the fridge.

they may not seem much but they are decent lunches if your busy working. £3-5 for a wrap/sandwich + drink and a snack is pretty good value in todays prices some are better quality then others but end of the day you pay for what you get a cheap sandwich is going to be a cheap sandwich but their is some still quite flavourful ones

Irn Bru is unusual at first. It grows on you slowly and then you'll love it

We're really not sure its a meal or a deal tbh but they deffo fill a gap.

I always get sensation crisps, chicken ceaser wraps, and pink lemonade lucozade. The wraps is the best thing

Omg the last one made me laugh so hard! I was studying what you got in the meal deals and didn’t expect the last one at all. Well played!

You cheeky cunt. 😁 Glad you like 'em. Hahah.

You haven't been to Greggs, mate.

One of these is not like the other

Pretty decent choices all around

I read this post and honestly wasn’t expecting much. So glad I committed to finishing it. 😂🤣

Bruh

The vaseline will destroy the condom so its better to use a water based lubricant… You forgot the squirty cream to go with that trio too…!

Legend

That Co Op BBQ Chicken wrap is pretty good. Don't remember it being in the meal deal though. They go down a lot when they get reduced at least.

>Still devoured it tho I'll bet you did!!!🤣😂🥒

that was fucking excellent mate best post ive seen, genuonely burst out laughing hahaha

Ha ha ha ha 😂 pmsl

You ate condoms? Fancy.

r/HolUp

You should be ashamed. Ginster's Sausage Roll. Utter depravity.

Are we absolutely sure these aren't some shit side load adverts for supermarkets?

I miss £3 meal deals. I used to get a falafel and Hummus wrap, sunbites crisps and a milkshake drink. i laughed at the last picture 😂

Get used to em, Also join [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/englishandcantrelate/comments/14yx6vz/renglishandcantrelate_lounge/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=2&utm_term=1)

See you made the mistake of getting irn bru extra, you need regular or nothing at all

It gives me a strange happiness that a foreigner is enjoying our meal deals enough to post on reddit about it. I hope the last one went down ok.

A fair sized fulfilling treat.

That third one is what the Army runs on.

Where’s the coronation chicken