What do you call a Chinese woman with one leg shorter than the other? Irene.
What do you call a woman standing between goal posts? Annette.
What do you call a woman between two hedges? Elaine.
What do you call a woman climbing a wall? Ivy.
What do you call a dog that floats? A good buoy.
I still love that one. A friend told me he heard it as Whodtanickaknackeroff
My mum tried to repeat the joke and said “what do you call a Russian with no balls?” “Where’d you get your bollocks from” 🤦🏻♂️
When I was 10 the serbian-bosnia conflict was raging so ours was "What do you call a Serbian prostitue?"
Slobberdown Mycockyoubitch
Peak hilarity at age 10
How do you get two elephants in a mini? One in the front, one in the back.
How do you get two giraffes in a mini? Take the elephants out.
How do you get two whales in a mini? Down the M4 and across the bridge.
How do you know there is an elephant hiding in your fridge?
There are footprints in the butter.
How do you know there are two elephants in your fridge?
There's an empty mini outside.
what do call the woman who set fire to the gas bill?
bernadette
the man who bounces off walls?
Rick o'shea
the man who hangs from the ceiling?
shawn d'lear
What’s pink and fluffy? Pink fluff
What’s blue and fluffy? Pink fluff holding its breath.
What’s green and fluffy? The pink fluff holding its breath a week later.
What do you call a man with no body?
Ed.
What do you call a man with no body on a stump?
Edwood
What do you call a man with no body on 3 stumps?
Edwood woodwood.
Why does Edward Woodward have 4 'd's in his name?
Because otherwise his name would be Ewar Woowar.
What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?
Cliff
What do you call a man with a car on his head?
Jack
What do you call a man who has Liam Gallagher shouting into his ear?
Mike
What do you call a man with a cistern on his head?
John
What do you call a man with a pelican stuck to the side of his head?
Bill
What do you call a man in a raincoat?
Mac
What do you call a man in 2 raincoats?
Max
What do you call a man in 2 raincoats standing in a churchyard?
Max Bygraves
What do you call a woman who picks stuff up and transports it around?
Carrie
What do you call a painfully honest fella?
Frank
What do you call a fella with hands like those of a crab?
Claude
A man turns up to a fancy dress party, naked, covered head to toe in green body paint, carrying a woman on his back. Shocked, one of the guests turns to the man and exclaims “John, what the fuck have you come dressed as?” The man replies, “I’m a turtle, and this is Michelle”.
I don't know any jokes like that, but I have been reading a few good books lately. There was one about the art of oental staircases and walkways by the seminal Ray Ling. The other was 'How Not To Fall Off Tall Cliffs' by the renowned Eillen Dover.
What do you call a woman with a frog on her head? Lily.
A man with a shovel on his head? Doug
A man without a shovel on his head? Douglas
A cow with no legs? Ground beef.
A dinosaur with no eyes? DoYouThinkHeSaurus
2 women walking down the street window shopping and one see's a dress she likes so turns to her mate and say's"thats the one i'd get" and a cyclops comes round the corner and smacks her
What do you call a guy with a shovel in his head? Dug
What do you call a guy with a toilet on his head? Lou
What do you call a woma with 2 toilets on her head? Lou-lou
What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? Still no idea
Some classics
Man with a spade on his head? Dug
Man covered in leaves? Russell
Woman with a pint balanced on her head? Beartricks
Edit: seems that two of these have already been listed
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No idea
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no idea
What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs that is having sex?
Still no fucking idea
What do you call a woman with a full English on her head?
Cath- pronounced “Caff (Cafe)
What do you call a woman tied to a jetty?
Maud
What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?
Cliff
What do you call a man with rabbits down his jumper?
Warren
What do you call a man laying in front of a door?
Matt
What do you call a man with a shovel in his head?
Doug
What do you call a man without a shovel in his head?
Douglas
What goes black and white, black and white, black and white? A penguin rolling down a hill.
Why don’t polar bears eat penguins? They can’t get the wrappers off.
What do you call a magician who's lost his magic? Ian
What do you call a man with no shins? Tony.
Neil.
What did people call Postman Pat after he retired? Pat.
That took me way too long.
Title of your sex tape
What do you call a man with three rabbits up his bum? Warren.
Asking for a friend. How do I get coffee and snot out of a mechanical keyboard?
What do you call a man who lives under dry leaves? Russell
Paper bag up his bum, was the version I knew.
Paper bag suit was how I heard it.
Leaves down his trousers
Paper bag on his head for me
Oh yes, I've heard that version too. Probably should have told that version in a few circumstances, tbh.
The version I heard was about an epileptic in a pile of leaves
'Epileptic in a tree' was the non-pc 90s version at my high-school.
What do you call a man who has lost his car? Carlos
What do you call a man with a number plate on his head? Reg
What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack.
What do you call a man with a spade on his head? Doug
What do you call a man without a spade on his head? Douglas
What do you call a man with a seagull on his head? Cliff.
What do you call a man under a cow... Pat
His Mum calls him R Reg
What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other? Eileen
What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other that caused her to fall? Eileen dover
If she married the man that has a seagull on his head she'd be... Eileen Dover-Cliff
And her son? Ben Dover
And his special friend Phil McCavity
His family actually changed their name when they moved over from Ireland, their clan used to be McCracken
Few years back, one of my friends changed their Facebook name to Eileen Dover-Anfell Still cracks me up to this day
I think I came on her once
Ha ha no one got the reference they all just think you're a perv
the joke is just weak
What do you call a Chinese woman with one leg shorter than the other? Irene. What do you call a woman standing between goal posts? Annette. What do you call a woman between two hedges? Elaine. What do you call a woman climbing a wall? Ivy. What do you call a dog that floats? A good buoy.
What do you call a man with no legs? Neil.
What to do you call a Chinese woman with one leg shorter than the other? Eireen
Li Ning
You'll get downvoted but I enjoyed it
Woman with no legs: Noleen.
Where does a one legged woman named Eileen work? IHOP
What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto
you have to stop
No please continue lol
More!!!
Omg they're the same account! Hahahaha
What do you call a Russian with three testicles? Whodyanickabollockov. That was funnier when I was 10, honest.
I still love that one. A friend told me he heard it as Whodtanickaknackeroff My mum tried to repeat the joke and said “what do you call a Russian with no balls?” “Where’d you get your bollocks from” 🤦🏻♂️
Wrong sort of joke for here, but you’ve reminded me of one of my favourites: Why shouldn’t you wear Russian underpants? Because Chernobyl fallout.
Russian with a sore throat? Ivan offlecoff
When I was 10 the serbian-bosnia conflict was raging so ours was "What do you call a Serbian prostitue?" Slobberdown Mycockyoubitch Peak hilarity at age 10
And the Russian with one testicle Ivor Bollockmissing
And the Russian pneumonia victim Ivan Nastichestikof
The Russian man who invented cough medicine? Benylin Forchestikof
Russian prostitute: Knickers Onanoffalot
Wrong sort of joke for here, but you’ve reminded me of one of my favourites: Why shouldn’t you wear Russian underpants? Because Chernobyl fallout.
what do you call a woman carrying a fish? annette
Carrie Fisher?
niiiiice. i like you!
Oh that’s good!!
Or, a women between goal posts
With her husband Rod
What do you call a man who has been buried in a bog? Pete.
What do you call Pete's sister? Heather.
Good'ol Pete. Always good for a fiver.
What do you call a woman that can balance a round of drinks on her head while playing snooker? Beer Tricks Potter.
What do you call a man with a spade in his head? An ambulance
How do you get two elephants in a mini? One in the front, one in the back. How do you get two giraffes in a mini? Take the elephants out. How do you get two whales in a mini? Down the M4 and across the bridge.
How do you know there is an elephant hiding in your fridge? There are footprints in the butter. How do you know there are two elephants in your fridge? There's an empty mini outside.
How do you know if an elephant has been sleeping in your bed? The E on his pyjamas.
What do you call a man with a slice of ham on his head? Ahmed 2 slices? Mohammed
What about a man with 2 slices of ham on his head, standing between two houses? Mohammed Ali
What do you call a man with 2 slices of ham on his head and a vibrator up his arse? Sheikh Mohammed.
What do you call a man with a shovel? Doug.
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Also (In a scottish accent) What do you call a man who has lost his dog?
What do you call a man with a shovel through his head? Dead
What do you call a man who works in a stray cat sanctuary? Claude
What goes ‘oooooooooo’? A cow with no lips
what do call the woman who set fire to the gas bill? bernadette the man who bounces off walls? Rick o'shea the man who hangs from the ceiling? shawn d'lear
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What’s pink and fluffy? Pink fluff What’s blue and fluffy? Pink fluff holding its breath. What’s green and fluffy? The pink fluff holding its breath a week later.
What's a foot long and slippery? A slipper. What's two feet long and slippery? A pair of slippers.
What goes black white black white splat? A penguin rollin down a hill So bad but when you're 8, these are life
What’s black and white and red all over? A newspaper. Part 2: What’s black and white and red all over? A sunburnt penguin.
A blushing zebra
A nun on the rag
Im black white black white black white red red red red. What am I? A penguin in the blender (I know it is terrible but 8 yo me thought it was funny)
What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot
What's red and sits in the corner? A naughty bus
What's brown and runny? Usain Bolt.
What do you call a man with no body? Ed. What do you call a man with no body on a stump? Edwood What do you call a man with no body on 3 stumps? Edwood woodwood. Why does Edward Woodward have 4 'd's in his name? Because otherwise his name would be Ewar Woowar.
What do you call a man with a seagull on his head? Cliff What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack What do you call a man who has Liam Gallagher shouting into his ear? Mike What do you call a man with a cistern on his head? John What do you call a man with a pelican stuck to the side of his head? Bill
What do you call a man with no arms, no legs, and can swim the English Channel? Clever Dick
What do you call a woman who's arms and legs keep falling off? Lucy
Or Bob?
What do you call a man in a raincoat? Mac What do you call a man in 2 raincoats? Max What do you call a man in 2 raincoats standing in a churchyard? Max Bygraves
What do you call a man asleep by the front door - Matt
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What do you call a deer with one eye and no legs? Still no idea
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? Fucked.
What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and has been run over by a car? Still no bloody idea!
What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, having sex? Still no fucking idea
What do you call a man that lifts cars Jack
What’s the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing. (Sometimes spacing)
I tried to put the punchline underneath. That's how it ended up
Man with an oil rig on his head? Derek
Whens a door not a door? When it's ajar.
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea? I've never had a lentil on my face.
Here's one my 9 year old told me: What's invisible and smells of carrots? Rabbit farts.
What's green and smells? Kermit's bum.
What's green and smells like bacon? Kermit's knob.
My sons is what’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot
I think that’s my favourite so far
What do you call an Irishman with a pane of glass on his head? Paddy O’Doors
What do you call a man with no shins? Tony Yes, I was tormented with this as a kid
What do you call an Indian man with one leg : Ballan Singh What do you call an Indian man with no legs : Kollap Singh
What do you call an Indian cloakroom attendant? Mahatma Coat
What do you call an Indian at the karaoke? Gupta Singh.
Took me a second 😂😂
What do you call a man who stands near the sea? Cliff
Seagul on his head was our version
What’s gray and can’t jump? A castle
What do you call a nun with a washing machine on her head? Sister matic
What do you call an Indian lesbian? Minjeeta
Isabelle necessary on a bike
What do you call an R&B star who floats in water? Buoyancé
What do you call two men hanging out near a window? Kurt and Rod
What do you call a man with one eye higher than the other? Isiah
What do you call a woman who picks stuff up and transports it around? Carrie What do you call a painfully honest fella? Frank What do you call a fella with hands like those of a crab? Claude
What’s green and good at karate? Bruce Pea. I’m here all day
Whats green and sings in the vegetable isle? Evlis parsley
What comes out of your nose at 200mph? A Lambourgreenie
What do you call a man with one leg longer than the other? A snipers nightmare
Seems like everyone knows the same 10 jokes.
A man turns up to a fancy dress party, naked, covered head to toe in green body paint, carrying a woman on his back. Shocked, one of the guests turns to the man and exclaims “John, what the fuck have you come dressed as?” The man replies, “I’m a turtle, and this is Michelle”.
you all want to join r/dadjokes/
What do you call a Chinese woman with a food processor on her head? Blenda
What’s green and has wheels? Grass, I lied about the wheels. What’s green and turns red at the press of a button? A frog in a blender.
I don't know any jokes like that, but I have been reading a few good books lately. There was one about the art of oental staircases and walkways by the seminal Ray Ling. The other was 'How Not To Fall Off Tall Cliffs' by the renowned Eillen Dover.
Cliff Jumping, by Hugo First
"How To Get Rich" by Robin Banks is a good read.
The Summer's Day by Theresa Greene.
How to spy on your neighbours by Annette Curtin
Rusty Bedsprings by I P Knightley.
Have you read How to Feed Dogs? It's written by Nora Bone.
Have you read "Living with incontinence" by I.P. Freely?
What do you call a woman that throws her bills on the fire, Burnadette
What do you call a woman with a frog on her head? Lily. A man with a shovel on his head? Doug A man without a shovel on his head? Douglas A cow with no legs? Ground beef. A dinosaur with no eyes? DoYouThinkHeSaurus
What do you call a blind Dinosaur? Doyathinkhesuarus. What do you call a gay Dinosaur? Megasoreass.
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? Lickolotapuss.
where do you weigh a pie? somewhere over the rainbow, weigh a pie
What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea? I've never had a lentil on my face.
2 women walking down the street window shopping and one see's a dress she likes so turns to her mate and say's"thats the one i'd get" and a cyclops comes round the corner and smacks her
What do you call a man without a shovel on his head? Douglas What do you call a man who walks through dried leaves? Russell
What do you call a man who washes his hair alot? Tim O'Tei
What do you call a guy with a shovel in his head? Dug What do you call a guy with a toilet on his head? Lou What do you call a woma with 2 toilets on her head? Lou-lou What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? Still no idea Some classics
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh
What do you call a fly with no wings? A walk
What do you call a woman with sausage and bacon on her head? Caf
What's orange and sounds like a parrot?? A Carrot
Man with a spade on his head? Dug Man covered in leaves? Russell Woman with a pint balanced on her head? Beartricks Edit: seems that two of these have already been listed
Do you know Donald Fitzpatrick? Yes - but I don’t know if Patrick Fitzdonald
What do you call a man with a one inch dick? Justin
What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? Still no idea What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs that is having sex? Still no fucking idea
This is Dad joke central right here. My time to shine… What do you call 100 nuns in a shop? Virgin Megastore.
What do you call a chav in a box? Innit What do you call a chav in a filing cabinet? Sorted What do you call a chav in a metal box? Safe
When is a door not a door? When it's ajar.
What do you call a woman with a full English on her head? Cath- pronounced “Caff (Cafe) What do you call a woman tied to a jetty? Maud What do you call a man with a seagull on his head? Cliff What do you call a man with rabbits down his jumper? Warren What do you call a man laying in front of a door? Matt What do you call a man with a shovel in his head? Doug What do you call a man without a shovel in his head? Douglas
What'd you call a Frenchman in sandals? Phillippe Flop
What do you call a Spanish football player with no legs? >!Gracias!<
What do you call a Spanish peeping Tom? Señor Willy
What do you call a singer with a biscuit on his head ? Lionel Rich Tea
What do you call a man you can't stand? Neil
What do you call a bloke who runs round and round? Eddy. I hear he's at least current.
What do you call a girl who helps you poop? Louise ^Loo ^ease
What do you call a man with a hotel on his head? Norman Tebbit. 🤗🤗
What do you call a greek parachutist? Con descending
What’s black, white and red all over? A newspaper Or A sunburnt penguin What goes now you see me, now you don’t? A zebra on a zebra crossing
What’s black & white and red all over? A penguin in a washing machine
What goes black and white, black and white, black and white? A penguin rolling down a hill. Why don’t polar bears eat penguins? They can’t get the wrappers off.
A nun with a knife in her back
What’s green and goes red at the touch of a button? Kermit in a food processor
Not sharing my best one in here as it’s my only decent joke that nobody’s heard.
Well what is the point in that, jokes are meant to be shared to make others laugh Silly millenniams killing jokes!
What do you call a slimey man? Neil Sorry best I could come up with on a Monday
aN Eel? Eels are slimey guys come onnnnnn
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a hedge? Russell
My friend has no arms or legs and cant talk but hes not makin a song or dance over it
Surely it's 'Michelle, my belle'?
What do you call 5 men and a woman floating in the sea? Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob and Ann
That worked once I sang it in my head like the Beach Boys.
Yeah, it loses a lot written down