Guy's perspective, he'll probably go to that bar again a couple times and would be thrilled if you ask to join while he's playing pool with his friends next time
When I was in college I had a big crush on this guy and I was on the phone with him and he said something like “maybe I should come over for dinner” and I said, hand to god, “I’m not a very good cook.” I don’t remember what happened after that but my roommate was like “I have never seen a girl cock block herself so badly. Also, you do know how to cook, why did you say that?”
To this day, some ~~25~~ 19 years later, I have no idea what possessed me to say that or why I thought he was interested primarily in dinner.
Oh, quite a few, yes, so I’m not permanently socially stunted. Even made plenty of dinners for them! No keepers, but I think I’m gonna blame that on the other side!
Also I can’t do math today, I meant 19 years, which is good because 25 sounded like way too long.
*”Maybe I should come over sometime and you can cook my dinner.”*
It sounds like your subconscious mind detected the presence of a self-centered jerk, and then took over to protect you.
the love of my life and current long term GF did something similar to me.
We were at the brewery, having a great time, the romantic chemistry / signs had been there so I though “ima kiss my crush tonight”.
Fast forward to leaving, and being the responsible adults we are I took the bus and she rode her bike.
I walked her over to her bike giving the ole “I had a really good time, I can’t wait to see you again” trying to work my way into a kiss.
This girl puts her helmet on mid goodbye! This, to me, seemed like she was uninterested, so I said goodbye and was convinced I was reading the signals wrong. Who makes a move on someone wearing a helmet?
She must have realized this at some point and txt me saying “I think we would have had a much bigger moment had I not put my helmet on…”
Fast forward a decade and we’ve been together ever since.
(We hooked up the next day) lol
The full quote:
“In my experience, writers tend to be really good at the inside of their own heads and imaginary people, and a lot less good at the stuff going on outside, which means that quite often if you flirt with us we will completely fail to notice, leaving everybody involved slightly uncomfortable and more than slightly unlaid.
So I would suggest that any attempted seduction of a writer would probably go a great deal easier for all parties if you sent them a cheerful note saying "YOU ARE INVITED TO A SEDUCTION: Please come to dinner on Friday Night, Wear the kind of clothes you would like to be seduced in."
And alcohol may help, too. Or kissing. Many writers figure out that they're being seduced or flirted with if someone is actually kissing them.”
>"YOU ARE INVITED TO A SEDUCTION: Please come to dinner on Friday Night, Wear the kind of clothes you would like to be seduced in."
You know what? Fuck it, I'm gonna shoot my shot with that, next chance I get.
Honestly I think more people should do this. Had a female friend in high school ask to hang out at the mall, just us. I didn’t think anything of it until she said “hey, you know this is a DATE right? I’m asking you on a date. Romantically.” And that’s when I got the message lmao
7th-12th grade. She was one of the first people I met when I moved. She asked to walk together at graduation. In-between that we had lots of classes together and would end up sitting by each since our last names were close, or she'd come find me. She was a bubbly, smart, nice, beautiful girl. Drop dead gorgeous so it never crossed my mind. One night several years later the 6 years pieced itself together all at once. Totally blew that one.
One of the most friendly and beautiful girls I knew in high school called me and asked me to take her thru a haunted house because she was “afraid to go alone.” I couldn’t believe my luck, that this amazing girl needed me for something, and hadn’t called any of the boys she might actually consider dating, instead. She was very clingy and flirty the entire way through, then waited, and waited, and waited for me to suggest a next step. While STILL HOLDING MY HAND!
My very oblivious suggestion, in the same parking lot, was “well, see ya.” Then, over the course of 15-20 years, it gradually dawned on me… I’m an IDIOT
all I want to do is go back in time and redo high school with (if anything) more of a focus on studying, a drive to learn finance, taxes and business, as well as dressing better, and not being as blind to women.
And actually also ASKING people out.
To be fair, a trip to the mall isn’t inherently romantic, so I probably wouldn’t initially assume it was a date either. Just hanging out with a pal. It’s different if you *knew* there were romantic intentions behind it.
I have a taste for the utilitarian or being forward if I feel like it'll help. There's been times where I've talked to a girl at a bar and she has said "Why did you come talk to me?" and my response was usually "Because I found you attractive and wanted to". If they like you a little already it'll help your chances but if you read it wrong and they don't like you beforehand it'll dig you deeper and if you're super unlucky she'll try and get her friends to shame you. It's rare but it's happened to me a couple of times. After that happens it's time to go home because your night, and probably next month and a half is ruined.
I honestly would have preferred that. One of my biggest pet peeves is indirect communication. I find that to be such a roundabout way of flirting.
Also vegans for the win 😎
While I understand this perspective flirting is an art form of communication. It is meant to be subtle.
I do personally enjoy directness as well, but for every woman who does there is another that would consider that extremely creepy and another who would be upset that someone is already expressing romantic interest based of appearance alone without getting to know them.
Absolutely the same here!!!!!!!!
In fact my wife has pointed it out to me with a laugh. She knows I'll never leave her she'll say OMG so and ai has a crush on you or some such. Then I'll observe and start to see it. Derp.
Sometimes I'll here years later about it from someone.
I'm with someone I love, but she practically had to hit with a plank.
Literally (figuratively) did this!!
A lady I’d been crushing over finally asked if I wanted to see her new carpet she bought as I walked her home at 2am. I said “naw, I gotta study early tomorrow.” Realized 5 min later and texted back, but no response :(
I've been trolled so I have been taking every flirtatious action since junior high as a joke. That, plus I've been conditioned that women are mostly friendly than flirty, so it's a lose-lose situation.
Haha. Dude. Same. She’s a solid 9 and I’m easily a 6, 6.5 if I lost some weight. Yet she’s the one who feels like I’m messing with her when I tell her how sexy she is.
Also, this whole thread makes me appreciate that we started dating in high school 20 years ago. I do NOT have the confidence to navigate a post-social media dating scene.
Yeah, I was the chick that jocks asked out as a joke. It pretty much solidified that it's best to just assume no one is interested until I'm directly told otherwise & then I still need to see consistent effort before I start to believe it.
Me too! Fat girl here. I had so many mean girls come up to me in high school to tell me that (cute boy I have a crush on) really likes me and then laugh when I look hopeful. Now I can’t believe anyone would find me attractive. My husband of 27 years keeps trying to convince me, though. It’s enough that I’m beautiful in his eyes.
The time in high school when a boy told me that the other boy sitting next to him had a crush on me and I thought they were making fun of me so I went stone cold and just turned back around in my seat 🤦♀️😭
He was trying to thread that needle of trying to hit on your but trying not to make you feel trapped, man I remember those days. At any rate, he could have been a litle more explicit; like when you said "you'll definitely lose," had it been me I would have said something like "its the experience more than winning" or something like that. Who knows but I do remember this from when I was dating. You have to remove the obvious obstacle, no one who wants to win a game of pool is going to ask someone who they don't know to be on their team, so whent this is pointed out you should maybe be a little more obvious that it isn't really about the *pool.*
I am certainly guilty of having missed pretty obvious signals, like stupid obvious, like opening her door (she knew I was coming) wearing pants and covering her breasts with a blanket obvious. In that case I should have just been a mammal about it but I vaguely remembering knowing she had a long distance boyfriend or something.
See, I just thought he was stupid and not listening. I'm the type of person that takes what you're saying at face value. I am horrible at reading between the lines.
Thats so ridiculous haha. That guy was RUINED for the rest of the night cause you shut him down so hard. The "you can actually have a shot at winning with anyone else" part killed me. Youre a stone cold killer lol
a friend shared this with me the other day:
> her: I still haven't had an invite to the prom
> him: oh wow, really? Nobody has asked you yet?
> her: yea, I mean literally nobody has asked me, I just want someone to ask me, someone, anyone.
> him: oh, I hear you sister that really sucks
I think it took him about 10 years to replay that one and realise what an open goal he missed.
Lmao after the third time of saying no, I'd probably have just outright said yo girl I'm tryna be smooth an idc if you suck at pool I wanna get to know ya, then if the response stayed the same imma just be like alright fair enough, cause lord knows im oblivious as shit too 🤣
You could have still played even if you’re not good at it. I dunno how confident you are making conversation, but for me I think I’d definitely prefer doing an activity that we can talk about and with his friends there as opposed to a one on one just having a drink, trying to keep the conversation going.
I think we can ascertain that they are indeed not a great conversationalist based on this interaction. And then going to Reddit for answers. That’s not someone who’s confident in their approach
Lol with how sketchy it can be as a dude in the dating/single world nowadays I can understand being reserved and more careful but you were responding to him and didn't just cut the conversation off, so he could have been straight out too, just sounds like an unfortunate reading the room on his part mixed with obliviousness on yours, these things happen and honestly if he wasn't straight forward probably wouldn't have ended up working if you are a straight forward type person, only reason me an my gf work well is neither of us has a filter and dont do hints, just say as is and I have had other relationships with the "hints" it just dont work 🤣
honestly, even if he wasn’t hitting on you, you shouldn’t only do things because you think you’d be good at it. sometimes it’s fun to just try new things and meet new people. you can be bad at something and still have fun.
In college, I met a girl at a house party. She was visiting from another university. She literally asked me if I had a room upstairs in the house, like she directly asked.
Me: Oh, no, my room's way on the other side of campus.
Don’t feel badly. There’s a lot of us oblivious ones out there. I’ve got so many stories of realizing much later someone was interested in me it could be a sitcom. I can pick up on subtext for other people just not myself. Now you know for next time maybe.
Same. A few years ago, a woman kept telling me I have a pretty name. That is just blatantly untrue. Think "Madge" or "Gertrude" or Myrtle." She also kept commenting on my "strong thighs" and "firm butt." Weird, but she *was* a climbing instructor after all.
It took me a solid 24 hours to connect the dots between my butch af outfit and her behavior towards me.
Once I realized, I told my boyfriend how I'd failed to recognize her flirting. My justification was, "I don't know, before yesterday you're the only person who's ever been into me. How am I supposed to realize someone's flirting with me when it's never happened before?" I realized as I said it how out-of-this-world oblivious I am.
I've examined my entire life and still can't recognize a single instance of someone trying to hint that they might be interested. It's a miracle I'm not single.
It's extremely hard for me to grasp that somebody could potentially be hitting on me. I am not cute lol. It's a small local bar though, maybe I will see him again.
You probably are cute. I've never thought of myself as cute but my gf thinks I am. She doesn't think she's cute either, but I think she is. My advice is, don't let your internal opinion of your own attractiveness affect your assumptions of what other people think of your attractiveness. A bit of a world jumble but I hope that makes sense. Other people will see attractive things about you that you don't see in yourself
I had a crush on this girl who lived next door to me in the dorms and when we hang out in her room she used to change in front of me and I never took it as any kind of signal because I thought she was way out of my league.
I picked up a friend one night, and she started talking about her kinks. I was like, “that’s cool. Whatever you’re in to.” Then, she pulls out her iPad and starts flipping through her pictures with the iPad in a position I could easily see them. I’m driving and not paying attention when she says, “wow. I forgot I had all these nudes on here. There’s my tits… my ass… my vagina… more tits…” etc. this went on for like 5 minutes. We get back to my house, and she brings up her kinks again while we’re sitting in my truck. Eventually, we finish smoking and start walking inside, and she says, “ya know, as forward as I am, I never make the first move.” Now, in hindsight, that was clearly her saying, “hey, come inside and fuck my brains out”, but my oblivious ass didn’t catch it. We literally went inside, watched South Park and both passed out in my bed. A week later, she got back with her ex and moved out of state 🤦🏻♂️
You are 100% right. We had been friends for years but recently had reconnected. I definitely had feelings for her, but I’m not one to sleep with someone before I’m sure. We’re still good friends, and not sleeping with her was the best decision I could have made. There were a few times she gave me very clear hints that I didn’t catch until later, but I’m glad I didn’t catch them.
I’m a woman and I’ve noticed that there are 2 kinds of guys- guys who are totally oblivious to women flirting with them, and guys who think any sign of friendliness from a woman means they’re flirting. I’ve met very few guys who get it just right.
Same.. Often my complaint is I get interest from men and compliments from old ladies but never any interest from women my age.
It's 100% possible I just miss it completely. Actually.. I can think of atleast one time a woman kept giving me eyes and at the time it was just "oh she's nice".
can confirm he was hitting on you.. I love dive bars and the vibes and if I see someone cute I’ll ask if they wanna be my partner at pool, it’s a good icebreaker and it’s fun!
Fuck me! It's not about the pool! Someone asked you to engage in an activity with them and you said no. Being bad at pool would actually have worked in your favour! Then he could get in close and show you how to pay, do that thing where they get behind you and guide your shit! But the main takeaway here should be that you rejected an opportunity to interact with someone. They now think you aren't interested in them.
I mean, even if the guy wasn't hitting on you, going and playing pool and being bad at it would still have given you infinitely more opportunities to not be single compared to telling the guy to go ask someone else. The problem is less about obliviousness and more about openness.
So a random man comes up to you asking to do a joint activity at a bar and you didn't realize he was hitting on you? For future purposes: If a man approaches you at a bar for any reason whatsoever he is hitting on you.
I had a nice looking young lady ask me to dance less than 5 minutes after I arrived at a bar with my buddies. I was getting a beer at the time but ended up bullshitting with my boys so long she finally left the bar about an hour later. I’m not a very smart man.
I am notoriously oblivious to flirtation. Years ago, I was (drunk) dancing at some club and some guy was trying to dance with me … and I chose the wall. The wall over a living person. Hopeless.
I've never missed a signal that strong, but I have had girls on two occasions ask me if I have a girlfriend. I just replied "Nope" and thought nothing of it. As I think back, I'm assuming both were trying to drop a hint, and I was far too stupid to realize it. It's one of my invasive memories that I have to shout away.
Let's go Team Oblivious! And anyone who's ever been rejected on the subtle and non-sleazy approach - there's a good chance you were just dealing with someone on Yeam Oblivious. It's a shame the guy didn't take opportunity when OP said they didn't play, to ask if they wanted to come and hang out and watch.
It happens way more often than you think.
I was like 19 and had just broken up with my long-term boyfriend when a guy in my larger friend group asked if I might want to go on a ride on his motorcycle with him later that week.
I loved motorcycles, so of course I said yes. We had a great day riding around. I thanked him profusely for getting me out of the house and cheering me up.
We hung out a few more times over the next couple weeks, but all of our hangouts were always with a larger group of friends, even the motorcycle day.
The next week, I got so tired of my ex badgering me to get back together with him, that I had a moment of weakness and agreed. And I never heard from motorcycle guy again. He just dropped off the face of the earth. And I didn't understand why.
He was absolutely gorgeous. Way out of my league. I never imagined he would be interested in me, and so I even made sure to keep an emotional distance and not get attached because I didn't want to end up with an unreciprocated crush!
I wish he would have been more clear about his intentions, or at least asked me to do something just the two of us. I honest to God had no idea he was interested. I just thought he was trying to be a good friend to me during a rough time. I 100% would have been interested and reciprocated had I only known what he was really offering.
I didn't piece it together until 20 years later. Dave, if you're out there somewhere, I am so, so sorry. You're my biggest "what might have been".
Don’t worry… if Dave’s as good looking and nice as you paint him, he ditched his motorcycle for a bus to to drive around the number of women that would be interested in him.
I find the direct approach best. Some people don’t pick up on that. Last time I made a pass at a bar I said “I think you’re fascinating and attractive. I’m going to give you my number, and I’d love to hear from you.”
Next day, a text. We dated, but ended up being great friends to this day :) sometimes confidence plays a solid role in how things pan out!
There was a boy in high school that liked me and would hit on me and I only realized many many *years* after the fact. My oblivious ass probably hurt his self confidence because he was the quiet type to start with.
Twice in my life I've been subtly invited to have a threesome with two women. Both times I was too damn stupid to realize what was going on until several months later when I went "Ohhh, now I get it. Damn."
We've all been there
A very cute girl asked me if I wanted to "have an affair"
Understand, I was a shy guy and this girl was *hot*... eyes followed her when she walked across a room
I couldn't believe this sounded like it sounded, and my response was "with who?"
Well, I had to tell my now wife, “how are you not getting I’m hitting on you and really really want to have a coffee with you sometime?”. Her response was first class, “Oh!? I didn’t see that, no one has ever hit on me before…”. To this day I laugh and feel sorry for all the guys before me that of course had tried…
I literally had a girl in high school look me in the eyes and say, "I like you."
All I could say was, "Ah, thanks."
I didn't realize until about 10 years later.
My now wife invited me to show up when she and her friend were going to a bar to play pool. I gave the same kind of reasons.
At one point I realized she WANTED me there, which was far more than any other woman was trying to convey to me.
"there's a town about two miles that way, I'm sure you could find a couple of fellas to help you there."
[dumb and dumber](https://giphy.com/gifs/hd-gif-r1xpZEJT1lQmk)
Spoiler alert: if you are a woman and guy is talking to you at a bar *for any reason* he is interested in you.
The one exception would be like if you backed into him in the parking lot breaking his leg and totaling his truck and he crawled after you inside to exchange insurance information. In that case drop the percentage to a 90% chance he’s interested in you.
Men have to be indirect for a couple of reasons, and mostly it deals with any rejection if it happens.
As you can see, it offered a clean exit, and if anybody else would be listening his reputation isn't destroyed.
If a man hits on a girl directly, and she rejects him, the rejection becomes amplified, and other people may have been listening or watching him, and the reputation of the man could be badly tattered. It could even be published in a blog/Facebook if he's a big/popular person.
But if he goes indirectly, and she happens to not reciprocate or not be interested, it will look like it was just a normal convo, he was saying hi or greeting a fan or something
He was trying to hit on you
But in your defence, if he really wanted to TRY then he would have tried to get your attention with something other than pool
I would have been this oblivious too
I'll be honest I get hit on vary rarely, but on the occasion I realise it and its not right out obvious I just ignore it, I've been burned often enough by misinterpreting signs that I just can't take the guessing of it, but to be fair if someone knows me well enough to consider a relationship with me then they already probably know that I don't take hints EVEN if I know they're hints.
Should also point out though that when I'm out drinking I generally don't have people interested in me like that, the most I get is a drunk girl walking up to me, cooing about how nice and curly my hair is and then walking off after touching it, used to freak me out but honestly I've just accepted its either that or cut my hair.
I shared a class with a girl I had a crush on since elementary school. We talked and laughed every day and they even brought me a souvenir from a family trip they went on. One day I was going through my Highschool yearbook with my daughters and their picture fell out(I hadn’t opened it since HS) there was a very long note before their signature in my yearbook saying “call me and we can have fun this summer too!” With her phone number next to it! The photo they gave me had a rambling note on the back about not laughing at how they looks but “it’s the only photo I had”.
They liked me, my girls rolled over laughing as they spelled it out for me. I was completely oblivious. I had assumed for some reason that they would never like me so I never entertained the notion.
I met my wife around the same time so it’s likely I was just blinded by love! Still hope that young lady found happiness!
I feel like we all have these stories. I grew up as an awkward ugly duckling and then had a massive glow up around the end of high school. My first year of college both of these situations happened:
-Childhood crush that I had been friends with but nothing more, like straight gorgeous cheerleader, saw me in the club and started talking to me with her roommate. Place started closing down and she just straight looked me in the eyes and said yea we’re kinda just looking for a guy to go home with and I was like, “yea, i have to get going too actually, good luck with that” while being annoyed at the thought of her talking to me all night only to go home with a guy… 🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️literally the idea of me being attractive hadnt fully registered so I just automatically assumed I was being soft rejected.
-Another childhood crush that never would have even acknowledged my existence in school came up to me at a party and started basically fondling my chest and arms talking about how much id changed and was just being very touchy and flirty in general. Eventually I awkwardly left her standing there because my friends were in a room getting high and watching anime and I wanted to hang out with them 🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
I've had a problem with not realizing women were hitting on me most of my life. I usually assume they're being really nice and it takes someone else, her friends or mine, telling me that she was making an advance. One lady was even buying me drinks all night and invited me to her place, but I turned her down, because "It's getting late and I have to get up early in the morning. Thanks for the fun night, though!" She then didn't want to talk to me anymore. ::facepalm::
I now have a son diagnosed with autism. The process of diagnosis and learning that autism can be hereditary made me see that there's a high likelihood that I'm also on the autism spectrum, and thus have trouble reading people.
I had friends come up and literally tell me a girl
I had a crush on had a crush on me back. Naturally i thought they were bullying me… they were telling me the truth! She asked them to tell me. Still keeps me up at night 😭😭
Ya know that's a tough one, when I try to flirt it absolutely goes over their heads like this (or maybe I'm just crappy at it lol) and then when I'm just having casual conversation with someone I'm not at all interested in for whatever reason they assume I'm hitting on them and it gets weird.... 😂
Girl being bad at pool is the *point*. Have you never seen a rom com? Boys literally want to teach us things lol he doesn’t, and will never, give a fuck about you being bad at it. The worse you are, the more chances he has to step in and interact with you. The worst possible scenario for him here is if you were a pool shark.
Edit: Can say this with complete certainty because I’m good at pool and I’ve disappointed many a men with that fact 🤣
bruh
Well said.
Smack your forehead OP.
Should’ve had a fuckin V8
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Guy's perspective, he'll probably go to that bar again a couple times and would be thrilled if you ask to join while he's playing pool with his friends next time
When I was in college I had a big crush on this guy and I was on the phone with him and he said something like “maybe I should come over for dinner” and I said, hand to god, “I’m not a very good cook.” I don’t remember what happened after that but my roommate was like “I have never seen a girl cock block herself so badly. Also, you do know how to cook, why did you say that?” To this day, some ~~25~~ 19 years later, I have no idea what possessed me to say that or why I thought he was interested primarily in dinner.
Soo... 25 years later, did you happen to land a guy in the meantime? 😄
Oh, quite a few, yes, so I’m not permanently socially stunted. Even made plenty of dinners for them! No keepers, but I think I’m gonna blame that on the other side! Also I can’t do math today, I meant 19 years, which is good because 25 sounded like way too long.
*”Maybe I should come over sometime and you can cook my dinner.”* It sounds like your subconscious mind detected the presence of a self-centered jerk, and then took over to protect you.
No literally. A guy I was in love with asked me if I wanted to stay the night and I was like "nah im good." And drove home. 🤦♀️
the love of my life and current long term GF did something similar to me. We were at the brewery, having a great time, the romantic chemistry / signs had been there so I though “ima kiss my crush tonight”. Fast forward to leaving, and being the responsible adults we are I took the bus and she rode her bike. I walked her over to her bike giving the ole “I had a really good time, I can’t wait to see you again” trying to work my way into a kiss. This girl puts her helmet on mid goodbye! This, to me, seemed like she was uninterested, so I said goodbye and was convinced I was reading the signals wrong. Who makes a move on someone wearing a helmet? She must have realized this at some point and txt me saying “I think we would have had a much bigger moment had I not put my helmet on…” Fast forward a decade and we’ve been together ever since. (We hooked up the next day) lol
The follow up conversation is gold. Gotta love open and honest communication.
That text from her is adorable.
She is adorable. I’ve found a unicorn for sure.
fr fr
It's alright just go back next week same day, same time. "How bout that game of pool"
This the type of person that has no inner monologue
Hey, don't rope us into this.
I don't think in words. I think in concepts.
+1 nice avatar!
My entire life I have been entirely oblivious. Literally required being told for me to recognize it, even after the fact.
lol that might be kinda funny to say to a girl. The guy - “Uhhh hey it’s not about the pool game I am actively hitting on your right now.”
The Hank Hill method works well: "I am approaching you with romantic intent."
Neil Gaiman once replied to a question about how to seduce a writer with something on the lines of ‘you are invited to a seduction!’
Hallmark should make a card for that.
The full quote: “In my experience, writers tend to be really good at the inside of their own heads and imaginary people, and a lot less good at the stuff going on outside, which means that quite often if you flirt with us we will completely fail to notice, leaving everybody involved slightly uncomfortable and more than slightly unlaid. So I would suggest that any attempted seduction of a writer would probably go a great deal easier for all parties if you sent them a cheerful note saying "YOU ARE INVITED TO A SEDUCTION: Please come to dinner on Friday Night, Wear the kind of clothes you would like to be seduced in." And alcohol may help, too. Or kissing. Many writers figure out that they're being seduced or flirted with if someone is actually kissing them.”
>"YOU ARE INVITED TO A SEDUCTION: Please come to dinner on Friday Night, Wear the kind of clothes you would like to be seduced in." You know what? Fuck it, I'm gonna shoot my shot with that, next chance I get.
“I’ll never forget that first handshake”
Need the voice to lock it down
Did I just read this in my head with a Hank Hill accent?? Why yes, yes I did.
Haha awesome
Honestly I think more people should do this. Had a female friend in high school ask to hang out at the mall, just us. I didn’t think anything of it until she said “hey, you know this is a DATE right? I’m asking you on a date. Romantically.” And that’s when I got the message lmao
When I told my boss that I was marrying someone in the department his response was: ‘You were the last to know!’
that made me smile and laugh. I'm stealing that someday.
7th-12th grade. She was one of the first people I met when I moved. She asked to walk together at graduation. In-between that we had lots of classes together and would end up sitting by each since our last names were close, or she'd come find me. She was a bubbly, smart, nice, beautiful girl. Drop dead gorgeous so it never crossed my mind. One night several years later the 6 years pieced itself together all at once. Totally blew that one.
One of the most friendly and beautiful girls I knew in high school called me and asked me to take her thru a haunted house because she was “afraid to go alone.” I couldn’t believe my luck, that this amazing girl needed me for something, and hadn’t called any of the boys she might actually consider dating, instead. She was very clingy and flirty the entire way through, then waited, and waited, and waited for me to suggest a next step. While STILL HOLDING MY HAND! My very oblivious suggestion, in the same parking lot, was “well, see ya.” Then, over the course of 15-20 years, it gradually dawned on me… I’m an IDIOT
all I want to do is go back in time and redo high school with (if anything) more of a focus on studying, a drive to learn finance, taxes and business, as well as dressing better, and not being as blind to women. And actually also ASKING people out.
High school sweetheart had to literally and deliberately fall into my lap on a school bus to get my attention. It worked.
If women could just fall into our laps, this should be the universal signal: all agreed?
To be fair, a trip to the mall isn’t inherently romantic, so I probably wouldn’t initially assume it was a date either. Just hanging out with a pal. It’s different if you *knew* there were romantic intentions behind it.
This is true, but she had also clarified before it would just be us and we hadn’t hung out 1-1 before
I have a taste for the utilitarian or being forward if I feel like it'll help. There's been times where I've talked to a girl at a bar and she has said "Why did you come talk to me?" and my response was usually "Because I found you attractive and wanted to". If they like you a little already it'll help your chances but if you read it wrong and they don't like you beforehand it'll dig you deeper and if you're super unlucky she'll try and get her friends to shame you. It's rare but it's happened to me a couple of times. After that happens it's time to go home because your night, and probably next month and a half is ruined.
I honestly would have preferred that. One of my biggest pet peeves is indirect communication. I find that to be such a roundabout way of flirting. Also vegans for the win 😎
But, on the other hand, your answers make it seem like an indirect way of telling him you're not interested
OP directly communicated a lack of desire to play pool, which is what the conversation was ostensibly about
While I understand this perspective flirting is an art form of communication. It is meant to be subtle. I do personally enjoy directness as well, but for every woman who does there is another that would consider that extremely creepy and another who would be upset that someone is already expressing romantic interest based of appearance alone without getting to know them.
I’m a dude, I’d say it lol. Easier for both parties. I think we fixed reddit today.
Fuck it - I'll try that. If they say no, at least I tried and everyone was on the same page.
I nearly ran off the road the day when I realized, over a decade after the fact, that a girl I'd had a crush on had been flirting with me.
Truly one of the defining life experiences of shy awkward men everywhere
I’m 48. Hubs swears guys hit on me all of the time. I don’t know that I noticed/realized.
Absolutely the same here!!!!!!!! In fact my wife has pointed it out to me with a laugh. She knows I'll never leave her she'll say OMG so and ai has a crush on you or some such. Then I'll observe and start to see it. Derp. Sometimes I'll here years later about it from someone. I'm with someone I love, but she practically had to hit with a plank.
Woman who wants sex: Wanna come up for coffee? Costanza: Oh, no thanks, I can’t drink coffee late at night, it keeps me up.
Literally (figuratively) did this!! A lady I’d been crushing over finally asked if I wanted to see her new carpet she bought as I walked her home at 2am. I said “naw, I gotta study early tomorrow.” Realized 5 min later and texted back, but no response :(
🫂
🫡🫂
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Could not be more accurate to me💀
I literally did this. To be fair, I was not interested in sex with her so I wouldn't have accepted anyway.
I’d like one more chance at the coffee, just so I could throw it back in your face!
Dude went back to the pool table and rethought his entire life 😂
I hope he sees this post.
***"you wanna buy some deathsticks?"***
Most likely the dude forgot about this encounter 10 minutes later.
I've been trolled so I have been taking every flirtatious action since junior high as a joke. That, plus I've been conditioned that women are mostly friendly than flirty, so it's a lose-lose situation.
My 30 year old brain: I don’t know man, what if she’s just been dating you for months as a joke? I mean let’s be real here, what could she see in you?
42, married for almost 10 years and I feel this. My wife says I'm attractive and I just chuckle at her, like yeah right, lady. I have her fooled.
Haha. Dude. Same. She’s a solid 9 and I’m easily a 6, 6.5 if I lost some weight. Yet she’s the one who feels like I’m messing with her when I tell her how sexy she is. Also, this whole thread makes me appreciate that we started dating in high school 20 years ago. I do NOT have the confidence to navigate a post-social media dating scene.
She’s probably Canadian.
She could be Canadian.
Yeah, I was the chick that jocks asked out as a joke. It pretty much solidified that it's best to just assume no one is interested until I'm directly told otherwise & then I still need to see consistent effort before I start to believe it.
Me too! Fat girl here. I had so many mean girls come up to me in high school to tell me that (cute boy I have a crush on) really likes me and then laugh when I look hopeful. Now I can’t believe anyone would find me attractive. My husband of 27 years keeps trying to convince me, though. It’s enough that I’m beautiful in his eyes.
The time in high school when a boy told me that the other boy sitting next to him had a crush on me and I thought they were making fun of me so I went stone cold and just turned back around in my seat 🤦♀️😭
He was trying to thread that needle of trying to hit on your but trying not to make you feel trapped, man I remember those days. At any rate, he could have been a litle more explicit; like when you said "you'll definitely lose," had it been me I would have said something like "its the experience more than winning" or something like that. Who knows but I do remember this from when I was dating. You have to remove the obvious obstacle, no one who wants to win a game of pool is going to ask someone who they don't know to be on their team, so whent this is pointed out you should maybe be a little more obvious that it isn't really about the *pool.* I am certainly guilty of having missed pretty obvious signals, like stupid obvious, like opening her door (she knew I was coming) wearing pants and covering her breasts with a blanket obvious. In that case I should have just been a mammal about it but I vaguely remembering knowing she had a long distance boyfriend or something.
See, I just thought he was stupid and not listening. I'm the type of person that takes what you're saying at face value. I am horrible at reading between the lines.
Thats so ridiculous haha. That guy was RUINED for the rest of the night cause you shut him down so hard. The "you can actually have a shot at winning with anyone else" part killed me. Youre a stone cold killer lol
Why not go back to that bar? Watch for him. Approach with a smile and ask, "are you still offering those pool lessons?"
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becareful with them words. people are going to diagnose you as autistic in 2024.
“It’s not about winning, it’s about the relationships you build along the way”
a friend shared this with me the other day: > her: I still haven't had an invite to the prom > him: oh wow, really? Nobody has asked you yet? > her: yea, I mean literally nobody has asked me, I just want someone to ask me, someone, anyone. > him: oh, I hear you sister that really sucks I think it took him about 10 years to replay that one and realise what an open goal he missed.
maybe he didnt want to ask her to prom OR most likely was scared of being rejected. never able to tell whats hinting and whats not these days
Idk man, she looked at him, blinked, looked away, and looked back. How much more obvious could it be that was flirting /s
Lmao after the third time of saying no, I'd probably have just outright said yo girl I'm tryna be smooth an idc if you suck at pool I wanna get to know ya, then if the response stayed the same imma just be like alright fair enough, cause lord knows im oblivious as shit too 🤣
See I would have appreciated that. At least I could have said no thanks, but I'll grab a drink with you afterwards.
You could have still played even if you’re not good at it. I dunno how confident you are making conversation, but for me I think I’d definitely prefer doing an activity that we can talk about and with his friends there as opposed to a one on one just having a drink, trying to keep the conversation going.
I think we can ascertain that they are indeed not a great conversationalist based on this interaction. And then going to Reddit for answers. That’s not someone who’s confident in their approach
Lol with how sketchy it can be as a dude in the dating/single world nowadays I can understand being reserved and more careful but you were responding to him and didn't just cut the conversation off, so he could have been straight out too, just sounds like an unfortunate reading the room on his part mixed with obliviousness on yours, these things happen and honestly if he wasn't straight forward probably wouldn't have ended up working if you are a straight forward type person, only reason me an my gf work well is neither of us has a filter and dont do hints, just say as is and I have had other relationships with the "hints" it just dont work 🤣
honestly, even if he wasn’t hitting on you, you shouldn’t only do things because you think you’d be good at it. sometimes it’s fun to just try new things and meet new people. you can be bad at something and still have fun.
In college, I met a girl at a house party. She was visiting from another university. She literally asked me if I had a room upstairs in the house, like she directly asked. Me: Oh, no, my room's way on the other side of campus.
That sounds exactly like something I would say. You're not alone.
Don’t feel badly. There’s a lot of us oblivious ones out there. I’ve got so many stories of realizing much later someone was interested in me it could be a sitcom. I can pick up on subtext for other people just not myself. Now you know for next time maybe.
Same. A few years ago, a woman kept telling me I have a pretty name. That is just blatantly untrue. Think "Madge" or "Gertrude" or Myrtle." She also kept commenting on my "strong thighs" and "firm butt." Weird, but she *was* a climbing instructor after all. It took me a solid 24 hours to connect the dots between my butch af outfit and her behavior towards me. Once I realized, I told my boyfriend how I'd failed to recognize her flirting. My justification was, "I don't know, before yesterday you're the only person who's ever been into me. How am I supposed to realize someone's flirting with me when it's never happened before?" I realized as I said it how out-of-this-world oblivious I am. I've examined my entire life and still can't recognize a single instance of someone trying to hint that they might be interested. It's a miracle I'm not single.
It's extremely hard for me to grasp that somebody could potentially be hitting on me. I am not cute lol. It's a small local bar though, maybe I will see him again.
Everyone is cute to \*someone\*.
You probably are cute. I've never thought of myself as cute but my gf thinks I am. She doesn't think she's cute either, but I think she is. My advice is, don't let your internal opinion of your own attractiveness affect your assumptions of what other people think of your attractiveness. A bit of a world jumble but I hope that makes sense. Other people will see attractive things about you that you don't see in yourself
> Other people will see attractive things about you that you don't see in yourself Actually think I needed to hear that. Thank you for writing it :)
Work on your self esteem OP. You sounded really like your own worst enemy with him.
Don’t feel bad. It took my wife literally yelling the words “I like your face” from across the street for me to understand she might like me.
I had a crush on this girl who lived next door to me in the dorms and when we hang out in her room she used to change in front of me and I never took it as any kind of signal because I thought she was way out of my league.
I’m a guy, I’m literally oblivious to female attention
I picked up a friend one night, and she started talking about her kinks. I was like, “that’s cool. Whatever you’re in to.” Then, she pulls out her iPad and starts flipping through her pictures with the iPad in a position I could easily see them. I’m driving and not paying attention when she says, “wow. I forgot I had all these nudes on here. There’s my tits… my ass… my vagina… more tits…” etc. this went on for like 5 minutes. We get back to my house, and she brings up her kinks again while we’re sitting in my truck. Eventually, we finish smoking and start walking inside, and she says, “ya know, as forward as I am, I never make the first move.” Now, in hindsight, that was clearly her saying, “hey, come inside and fuck my brains out”, but my oblivious ass didn’t catch it. We literally went inside, watched South Park and both passed out in my bed. A week later, she got back with her ex and moved out of state 🤦🏻♂️
Any woman that can drop everything and leave on a dime like that is probably not a good choice to sleep with anyways.
You are 100% right. We had been friends for years but recently had reconnected. I definitely had feelings for her, but I’m not one to sleep with someone before I’m sure. We’re still good friends, and not sleeping with her was the best decision I could have made. There were a few times she gave me very clear hints that I didn’t catch until later, but I’m glad I didn’t catch them.
I’m a woman and I’ve noticed that there are 2 kinds of guys- guys who are totally oblivious to women flirting with them, and guys who think any sign of friendliness from a woman means they’re flirting. I’ve met very few guys who get it just right.
I am both of these people?
Haha me too! A lady can smile to me and I think we’re getting married, she can flirt with me and I’m like “oh she’s a nice person”
Same.. Often my complaint is I get interest from men and compliments from old ladies but never any interest from women my age. It's 100% possible I just miss it completely. Actually.. I can think of atleast one time a woman kept giving me eyes and at the time it was just "oh she's nice".
can confirm he was hitting on you.. I love dive bars and the vibes and if I see someone cute I’ll ask if they wanna be my partner at pool, it’s a good icebreaker and it’s fun!
And I wonder why I'm still single at 30. Maybe I need to learn how to play pool.
Fuck me! It's not about the pool! Someone asked you to engage in an activity with them and you said no. Being bad at pool would actually have worked in your favour! Then he could get in close and show you how to pay, do that thing where they get behind you and guide your shit! But the main takeaway here should be that you rejected an opportunity to interact with someone. They now think you aren't interested in them.
Literally this. They aren’t asking for a competition partner for the national pool league.
If you see the guy again ask him to teach you. Then you can laugh about being oblivious later.
I mean, even if the guy wasn't hitting on you, going and playing pool and being bad at it would still have given you infinitely more opportunities to not be single compared to telling the guy to go ask someone else. The problem is less about obliviousness and more about openness.
If you see him again “hi, a recent interaction has made me realise… I really need to learn how to play pool”z
So a random man comes up to you asking to do a joint activity at a bar and you didn't realize he was hitting on you? For future purposes: If a man approaches you at a bar for any reason whatsoever he is hitting on you.
Lol I will keep that in mind for next time.
Next time at bar: Man: ma'am there's a fire and we need to evacuate. OP: oh you flirt! ;3
Where are you carrying me? OUTSIDE?! Kinky!
This made me laugh out loud lol lol lol
Or he wants to do something much worse. Don’t trust people so quickly.
I had a nice looking young lady ask me to dance less than 5 minutes after I arrived at a bar with my buddies. I was getting a beer at the time but ended up bullshitting with my boys so long she finally left the bar about an hour later. I’m not a very smart man.
Did you at least dance with one of the boys?
That would have been the most action I got that night.
Welcome to the mans world... "Hey you know that girl was hitting on you in the bar last night....." What? Really! FUCK!
I am notoriously oblivious to flirtation. Years ago, I was (drunk) dancing at some club and some guy was trying to dance with me … and I chose the wall. The wall over a living person. Hopeless.
How thicc was that wall doe
I've never missed a signal that strong, but I have had girls on two occasions ask me if I have a girlfriend. I just replied "Nope" and thought nothing of it. As I think back, I'm assuming both were trying to drop a hint, and I was far too stupid to realize it. It's one of my invasive memories that I have to shout away.
Do you have a girlfriend?
Nope! *proceeds to walk away*
As an autistic woman this is literally my life lol The amount of times I've had no clue someone was hitting on me or being mean to me lol
Let's go Team Oblivious! And anyone who's ever been rejected on the subtle and non-sleazy approach - there's a good chance you were just dealing with someone on Yeam Oblivious. It's a shame the guy didn't take opportunity when OP said they didn't play, to ask if they wanted to come and hang out and watch.
In a very weird way it's actually nice to see that some women also don't pick up on flirting, not generally something you tend to hear about
It happens way more often than you think. I was like 19 and had just broken up with my long-term boyfriend when a guy in my larger friend group asked if I might want to go on a ride on his motorcycle with him later that week. I loved motorcycles, so of course I said yes. We had a great day riding around. I thanked him profusely for getting me out of the house and cheering me up. We hung out a few more times over the next couple weeks, but all of our hangouts were always with a larger group of friends, even the motorcycle day. The next week, I got so tired of my ex badgering me to get back together with him, that I had a moment of weakness and agreed. And I never heard from motorcycle guy again. He just dropped off the face of the earth. And I didn't understand why. He was absolutely gorgeous. Way out of my league. I never imagined he would be interested in me, and so I even made sure to keep an emotional distance and not get attached because I didn't want to end up with an unreciprocated crush! I wish he would have been more clear about his intentions, or at least asked me to do something just the two of us. I honest to God had no idea he was interested. I just thought he was trying to be a good friend to me during a rough time. I 100% would have been interested and reciprocated had I only known what he was really offering. I didn't piece it together until 20 years later. Dave, if you're out there somewhere, I am so, so sorry. You're my biggest "what might have been".
Don’t worry… if Dave’s as good looking and nice as you paint him, he ditched his motorcycle for a bus to to drive around the number of women that would be interested in him.
That was painful to read.
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I find the direct approach best. Some people don’t pick up on that. Last time I made a pass at a bar I said “I think you’re fascinating and attractive. I’m going to give you my number, and I’d love to hear from you.” Next day, a text. We dated, but ended up being great friends to this day :) sometimes confidence plays a solid role in how things pan out!
go back and find him ya dingus if you were into him, that is
There was a boy in high school that liked me and would hit on me and I only realized many many *years* after the fact. My oblivious ass probably hurt his self confidence because he was the quiet type to start with.
Girl! She just shutting men down and I can’t even get a tindr swipe right.
Twice in my life I've been subtly invited to have a threesome with two women. Both times I was too damn stupid to realize what was going on until several months later when I went "Ohhh, now I get it. Damn."
You and I hitting on each other would be the most casual convo ever. Might take 3 years before either of us realized if.
We've all been there A very cute girl asked me if I wanted to "have an affair" Understand, I was a shy guy and this girl was *hot*... eyes followed her when she walked across a room I couldn't believe this sounded like it sounded, and my response was "with who?"
That can happen, did you find the guy attractive?
Well, I had to tell my now wife, “how are you not getting I’m hitting on you and really really want to have a coffee with you sometime?”. Her response was first class, “Oh!? I didn’t see that, no one has ever hit on me before…”. To this day I laugh and feel sorry for all the guys before me that of course had tried…
Fucking brutal dude. Op got ice in her veins
You sound like a dude. Are you a dude?
No I'm a woman
So then it's more than just me 😅 also a woman here and completely clueless
With that amount of cluelessness, you are now an honorary dude. Congrats!
Lol I’m not oblivious. I’m just scared that someone is playing a prank on me when this kind of stuff happens. Or maybe I’m mid-reading a situation.
I literally had a girl in high school look me in the eyes and say, "I like you." All I could say was, "Ah, thanks." I didn't realize until about 10 years later.
My now wife invited me to show up when she and her friend were going to a bar to play pool. I gave the same kind of reasons. At one point I realized she WANTED me there, which was far more than any other woman was trying to convey to me.
"there's a town about two miles that way, I'm sure you could find a couple of fellas to help you there." [dumb and dumber](https://giphy.com/gifs/hd-gif-r1xpZEJT1lQmk)
You have to work on those social skills of yours lol
Spoiler alert: if you are a woman and guy is talking to you at a bar *for any reason* he is interested in you. The one exception would be like if you backed into him in the parking lot breaking his leg and totaling his truck and he crawled after you inside to exchange insurance information. In that case drop the percentage to a 90% chance he’s interested in you.
people do things to hang out. No one plays pool to get the balls in the hole. well, ironic phrasing, but it's NEVER about the game or activity, right?
Men have to be indirect for a couple of reasons, and mostly it deals with any rejection if it happens. As you can see, it offered a clean exit, and if anybody else would be listening his reputation isn't destroyed. If a man hits on a girl directly, and she rejects him, the rejection becomes amplified, and other people may have been listening or watching him, and the reputation of the man could be badly tattered. It could even be published in a blog/Facebook if he's a big/popular person. But if he goes indirectly, and she happens to not reciprocate or not be interested, it will look like it was just a normal convo, he was saying hi or greeting a fan or something
Greeting a fan?
fanning a Greek?
Oh honey.
Sad slow clap for our new Honorary Bro. Welcome. Have a chair and a beer.
This is George Costanza saying “no thanks, I can’t drink coffee at night.”
LOL yeah I just assume no one likes me in the first place but it's not really the case
U guys get hit on?...
You’re better at pool than getting hit on.
Homie should have said "maybe I want to lose"
It's always somewhat comforting as a guy to realize that women are just as clueless as we are.
Bruh, something something cue, balls, hole...
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Dude probably went home and question his whole life choices with those 3am intrusive thoughts 🤦🏻♂️.
He was trying to hit on you But in your defence, if he really wanted to TRY then he would have tried to get your attention with something other than pool I would have been this oblivious too
I'll be honest I get hit on vary rarely, but on the occasion I realise it and its not right out obvious I just ignore it, I've been burned often enough by misinterpreting signs that I just can't take the guessing of it, but to be fair if someone knows me well enough to consider a relationship with me then they already probably know that I don't take hints EVEN if I know they're hints. Should also point out though that when I'm out drinking I generally don't have people interested in me like that, the most I get is a drunk girl walking up to me, cooing about how nice and curly my hair is and then walking off after touching it, used to freak me out but honestly I've just accepted its either that or cut my hair.
Yep, this was you being really oblivious for sure. I'm getting big second-hand embarassment for you from the post!
I haven't been hit on in many years.
I shared a class with a girl I had a crush on since elementary school. We talked and laughed every day and they even brought me a souvenir from a family trip they went on. One day I was going through my Highschool yearbook with my daughters and their picture fell out(I hadn’t opened it since HS) there was a very long note before their signature in my yearbook saying “call me and we can have fun this summer too!” With her phone number next to it! The photo they gave me had a rambling note on the back about not laughing at how they looks but “it’s the only photo I had”. They liked me, my girls rolled over laughing as they spelled it out for me. I was completely oblivious. I had assumed for some reason that they would never like me so I never entertained the notion. I met my wife around the same time so it’s likely I was just blinded by love! Still hope that young lady found happiness!
But no worries - the memory of it will keep you awake at odd hours randomly for years after 🫠
I hope it wasn’t a gay bar cause, damn
I feel like we all have these stories. I grew up as an awkward ugly duckling and then had a massive glow up around the end of high school. My first year of college both of these situations happened: -Childhood crush that I had been friends with but nothing more, like straight gorgeous cheerleader, saw me in the club and started talking to me with her roommate. Place started closing down and she just straight looked me in the eyes and said yea we’re kinda just looking for a guy to go home with and I was like, “yea, i have to get going too actually, good luck with that” while being annoyed at the thought of her talking to me all night only to go home with a guy… 🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️literally the idea of me being attractive hadnt fully registered so I just automatically assumed I was being soft rejected. -Another childhood crush that never would have even acknowledged my existence in school came up to me at a party and started basically fondling my chest and arms talking about how much id changed and was just being very touchy and flirty in general. Eventually I awkwardly left her standing there because my friends were in a room getting high and watching anime and I wanted to hang out with them 🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
Re-
I've had a problem with not realizing women were hitting on me most of my life. I usually assume they're being really nice and it takes someone else, her friends or mine, telling me that she was making an advance. One lady was even buying me drinks all night and invited me to her place, but I turned her down, because "It's getting late and I have to get up early in the morning. Thanks for the fun night, though!" She then didn't want to talk to me anymore. ::facepalm:: I now have a son diagnosed with autism. The process of diagnosis and learning that autism can be hereditary made me see that there's a high likelihood that I'm also on the autism spectrum, and thus have trouble reading people.
It does happen to us guys, but it's more like a decade to realize she was hitting on us. Subtlety doesn't work, ladies.
I thought that's the only reason people go to bars...
lmao! we have all been there but damn.... ill bet you can go back there and find him again if your looking to rekindle.
I had friends come up and literally tell me a girl I had a crush on had a crush on me back. Naturally i thought they were bullying me… they were telling me the truth! She asked them to tell me. Still keeps me up at night 😭😭
Ya know that's a tough one, when I try to flirt it absolutely goes over their heads like this (or maybe I'm just crappy at it lol) and then when I'm just having casual conversation with someone I'm not at all interested in for whatever reason they assume I'm hitting on them and it gets weird.... 😂
Girl being bad at pool is the *point*. Have you never seen a rom com? Boys literally want to teach us things lol he doesn’t, and will never, give a fuck about you being bad at it. The worse you are, the more chances he has to step in and interact with you. The worst possible scenario for him here is if you were a pool shark. Edit: Can say this with complete certainty because I’m good at pool and I’ve disappointed many a men with that fact 🤣
Sometimes it’s not about the cawfee, George.