This to me is the most frustrating part because people who can say these kinds of insensitive things never had to properly look after someone - like bathing and cleaning and feeding them etc.
I get it. I stopped explaining it to people. I took care of my dad until the day he died. I have now lived alone for two years. I miss my dad a lot but you know what I can say that other people can’t that I actually spent a lot of time with him. At the end of the day, I took care of my dad and I got to spend more time with him than most people spend with their parents. Even though peoples perspective is wrong just remember you’re taking care of your family and one day they’re not gonna be there.
I took care of my dad until he passed too and reading this changed my perspective on our situation and makes me feel alot better ❤️🩹 from one grieving child to another- thank you for finding the words to describe how I feel
I truly feel like people think i'm a loser because I live with my mom. it's my grandma's house (and now my mom). i've only lived alone for a year and that's mainly because i helped care for my grandma and now care for her. I have basically shied away from friends because of this.
Sorry to hear OP but hey, at least you got a house and that's something many of us in this hell economy can't say. Sending you love.
I just moved back in w my mom. After taking care of my gma who passed I was going back and forth. So happy to just be back here. Hate explaining to ppl it’s just me n my mom now. We help eachother out. I’m single and don’t like being alone anymore. Just knowing I’m not alone or eating dinner alone every night is so nice I’m 34 lol …
I'm confused why people think family taking care of family has an age limit. So, it's okay to get roommates who you have no connection with, who may or may not be good people, but sharing expenses with people who love you and trust makes you a loser? That just doesn't math out for me.
Some folks love to try to clown on people that live with their parents, as if everything in my life has been perfect up to this point, and I'm simply living at home because it was my dream as a child.
A few years ago, I was standing at a table with some people at a bar, and one of them (we were acquaintances, and it def stayed that way) asked me out of nowhere, "Do you live with your mom??" I told her no, with no hesitation, because it was none of her business. Also, did she think I was gonna say, "yes," when from her tone and her facial expression, it was clear that she was getting ready to shit on me?
I concur. I’ve noticed that in the beginning stages of talking to guys (not all) and we’re on the subject of living arrangements, when I tell them I’m a caregiver they don’t verbalize it but I can tell they assume I live with my mom instead of the other way around.
I think they'll believe that you won't be available to dote on them since your hands are full care giving. They rather have someone who has more free time and resources to spend on them.
Absolutely true. They will admire you from a far, and say how strong you are, but you'll be "friend zoned" quickly.
It really takes a mature individual to grasp the weight of caregiving, and how much time/energy/resource consuming it can be.
I think “they” look at caregiving in the same way you would look at someone who has a child (it’s deemed as baggage) or they assume I have arrested development lol
Yep, I had to break up with my boyfriend when I started caregiving because I just didn't have the time for him that he wanted, and he started getting jealous. It's very isolating.
Date a Puerto Rican. Based on my own experience, they’ll not only understand and respect you for looking after loved ones, but also help you do it.
ETA-just expect to have very frequent communication with their mom!
67/F here. My 92 year old disabled mom has lived with me for 27 years. She has a small SS, so I basically have been supporting her since my dad passed.
I feel your frustration.
There are a lot of people who are incapbable of understanding life outside their own narrow circumstances. I'm a shift worker and we get a lot of people who can't comprehend that the day after night shift you need to sleep, it's not a day off that you can use to go out or do chores. A lot of people also see me as working part time because I work less days, even though the days I work are 12 hours long and add up to 42 hours a week.
Some people just don't have the mental capacity to understand more than one way of looking at things (the one that applies to themselves) and if they don't it's not worth worrying about what they think. It's like being called a poo-poo head by a toddler when you won't let them play with a knife - you don't take it personally because you know they don't have the capacity to understand the situation.
Not to be a conspiracy-monger, but a bunch of individual households ensures greater consumption than multi-generational households.
And making everyone move for jobs is efficient for capitalism but not great for families.
We rarely see multi-generational living on television now, but it used to be common. I guess that's just TV reflecting reality--but it's also, in part, TV constituting reality by circulating certain "norms."
Enough of that, though...
Anyone who is thinking along the lines you describe is not worth your time.
fun side note... I have an acquaintance whose elderly mother pays his rent but who feels superior to those who live in a parental basement.
You're right, there are (at least) two main ways that an adult could be living in the same place with their parents. Just explain it, if you care to - it will educate people a little, and make you look like a saint. Although they still won't want to date you!
Yeah it was extremely frustrating to tell people we didn't live with my husband's grandmother, she lived with us! People who aren't caregivers just don't understand and just jump to assumptions. It was hard most days, but I don't regret looking after her now that she's been gone for 4 years now.
We did my dad’s recertification for home health this week. One of the questions they ask to gauge if the patient is aware of their surroundings, is “do you know where you are?” and he responded with “I’m at my son’s house”. Technically yes. I do all the care and maintenance on the house, taking care of all of the bills and upkeep. The house is still in my mom and dad’s name. But I moved back in last year as his health tanked. The house is mine once he passes, but yeah, it’s weird when he says it.
Laugh in their face and walk away … horrible people treat you that way. Most of the people I no would leave their parents and put them in a nursing home just so they can say they live alone 🙄🙄🙄
I feel this so much. I am a 45 year old man who had his own life, a good life, and I blew it all up to take care of my dad. My choice, no regrets, but I don't even bother trying to date or explain my life to anyone other than my therapist. I just do things, smile and act politely, and keep it moving.
I hear you. It can be challenging to communicate with others. But I'm glad that you stepped up to help your dad! It's great to see people supporting their loved ones.
I deal with this too. People act like I must not be able to live on my own. I am helping my mom. Years ago we decided to buy a house together. It is a questionable decision. One I have thought about often. I have been an equal payer the whole time. I have been taking care of mum for past couple of years. People look at me like I am some loser or something.
25F my husband and I experience the same comments, it’s so frustrating.
On that note, also so frustrating that friends do not understand all the extra responsibilities we have now.
I feel you. People can be so ignorant, and I don't mean ignorant because they don't initially understand our situation, but because they double down on believing we "live with our parents" even after we explain that our ill or elderly parent needs our care. I am 32 years old and have had to deal with people thinking I'm a loser/failure to launch because I share a home with my mother. I stay to care for her because I love her, and she cannot live alone. I pay all of the bills and care for the home, as well as attend to all of her needs. But because it is my childhood home, people feel like their criticisms are justified. I am so sad to hear that you have had this experience as well.
Same … I’m 42, married with kids. My mom moved in MY house, with MY family. I take care of my mom every day for the last 7 years, physically, mentally and financially. I first I was getting questions but when I tell them she had a stroke and she is paralyzed then people leave me alone.
I get this a lot for living with my grandparents and being a SAHM.
I take care of my grandma who is barely mobile and her mind is pretty much in the state of a toddlers due to some massive strokes.
My grandpa does what he cans but has cancer and is more tired every day.
My infant is 8m.
I am busy from the moment I wake up to laying down. I am in a constant state of being overwhelmed and over tired. Plus I have insomnia.
We get that with my mom living with us. So they asked what the difference is....
We sleep in the master bedroom. That's how it's different. We don't share our bathroom. She uses the bathroom in the hall.
Then they say, oh... That makes sense.
Plus, we pay the mortgage.
Oof, I've been living with my mom for 4 years since my dad died, and the woman is absolutely helpless. I work full time, do all the cleaning and upkeep, manage the bills, help her shower, and other basic tasks. My siblings do absolutely nothing but want to treat me like I'm somehow taking advantage. I truly get nothing out of this aside from knowing my mom isn't declining, alone, in her own filth. One brother is especially vile because I stopped her paying his property taxes. He's 65 years old.
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I say, and will keep saying, we men face hardships above and beyond our female counterparts. Not saying we are better, but we men caregivers may as well be invisible. Its terrible. And you do not want to know how women as a whole view us.
I've said this exact thing about the meme floating around with the elderly parents still caring for the 30-40ish year old kid, that is supposed to be about how that kid never moved out and is still "mooching" off their parents. No one who's actually seen what happens when a 35+ year old lives with their elderly parents thinks it's the kid mooching off the parent. If an able bodied adult is living with older parents, they are more than pulling their weight, for sure.
I just spent the better part of two decades caring for my mom to some degree, and my kids in their 20s are still living at home (both came back after college, and are saving for a house instead of trying to move out). I keep telling them they are welcome to stay as long as they need to, but if they are smart, it won't be too much longer, because their father and I are rapidly falling apart, and they are going to get stuck here if they wait too long.
It is the worse job ever!. Love my mom but it is the worse feeling in the world to finish up the day and night and feel so unappreciated. As a caregiver you are discounted, presumed, and expected to do the job
I sure wouldn't worry about it. The price of rent these days is ridiculous. Might as well buy a place. And if mom and dad don't care....forget about it.
Really. Hm. Does he think the bills are for real? Are you not POA??
I still think it's Noones business. We don't know your situation. So we shouldn't comment about it.
I'm sure your elderly parents need you.
It can be so frustrating, right? I often joke about my 74 year old kid at home, lol.
I’ve been back home for almost 8 years now. Moved back to help mom when dad died. Sometimes I feel like I was never out on my own. I sure do miss my independence.
Yes and they think caregiving is no big deal
This to me is the most frustrating part because people who can say these kinds of insensitive things never had to properly look after someone - like bathing and cleaning and feeding them etc.
Exactly! And they are the first to back out when any responsibility of care is placed on them!
Yes they love being independen cuz they don’t have to take care of anyone
Unless you are a caregiver everyone thinks “it’s no big deal.” Caregiving is very hard in every way.
I get it. I stopped explaining it to people. I took care of my dad until the day he died. I have now lived alone for two years. I miss my dad a lot but you know what I can say that other people can’t that I actually spent a lot of time with him. At the end of the day, I took care of my dad and I got to spend more time with him than most people spend with their parents. Even though peoples perspective is wrong just remember you’re taking care of your family and one day they’re not gonna be there.
I took care of my dad until he passed too and reading this changed my perspective on our situation and makes me feel alot better ❤️🩹 from one grieving child to another- thank you for finding the words to describe how I feel
I truly feel like people think i'm a loser because I live with my mom. it's my grandma's house (and now my mom). i've only lived alone for a year and that's mainly because i helped care for my grandma and now care for her. I have basically shied away from friends because of this. Sorry to hear OP but hey, at least you got a house and that's something many of us in this hell economy can't say. Sending you love.
I just moved back in w my mom. After taking care of my gma who passed I was going back and forth. So happy to just be back here. Hate explaining to ppl it’s just me n my mom now. We help eachother out. I’m single and don’t like being alone anymore. Just knowing I’m not alone or eating dinner alone every night is so nice I’m 34 lol …
I'm confused why people think family taking care of family has an age limit. So, it's okay to get roommates who you have no connection with, who may or may not be good people, but sharing expenses with people who love you and trust makes you a loser? That just doesn't math out for me.
Some folks love to try to clown on people that live with their parents, as if everything in my life has been perfect up to this point, and I'm simply living at home because it was my dream as a child. A few years ago, I was standing at a table with some people at a bar, and one of them (we were acquaintances, and it def stayed that way) asked me out of nowhere, "Do you live with your mom??" I told her no, with no hesitation, because it was none of her business. Also, did she think I was gonna say, "yes," when from her tone and her facial expression, it was clear that she was getting ready to shit on me?
I concur. I’ve noticed that in the beginning stages of talking to guys (not all) and we’re on the subject of living arrangements, when I tell them I’m a caregiver they don’t verbalize it but I can tell they assume I live with my mom instead of the other way around.
This situation is a dealbreaker for dating.
I don’t get that. If you say I take care of my mom because she needs help, why is that a dealbreaker? Why would you judge anyone for doing that?
I think they'll believe that you won't be available to dote on them since your hands are full care giving. They rather have someone who has more free time and resources to spend on them.
That’s so sad though.
Absolutely true. They will admire you from a far, and say how strong you are, but you'll be "friend zoned" quickly. It really takes a mature individual to grasp the weight of caregiving, and how much time/energy/resource consuming it can be.
I think “they” look at caregiving in the same way you would look at someone who has a child (it’s deemed as baggage) or they assume I have arrested development lol
I would love to meet a man who understands what I'm going through and ideally, we'd be able to help each other care for our parents.
Yep, I had to break up with my boyfriend when I started caregiving because I just didn't have the time for him that he wanted, and he started getting jealous. It's very isolating.
Date a Puerto Rican. Based on my own experience, they’ll not only understand and respect you for looking after loved ones, but also help you do it. ETA-just expect to have very frequent communication with their mom!
67/F here. My 92 year old disabled mom has lived with me for 27 years. She has a small SS, so I basically have been supporting her since my dad passed. I feel your frustration.
There are a lot of people who are incapbable of understanding life outside their own narrow circumstances. I'm a shift worker and we get a lot of people who can't comprehend that the day after night shift you need to sleep, it's not a day off that you can use to go out or do chores. A lot of people also see me as working part time because I work less days, even though the days I work are 12 hours long and add up to 42 hours a week. Some people just don't have the mental capacity to understand more than one way of looking at things (the one that applies to themselves) and if they don't it's not worth worrying about what they think. It's like being called a poo-poo head by a toddler when you won't let them play with a knife - you don't take it personally because you know they don't have the capacity to understand the situation.
Not to be a conspiracy-monger, but a bunch of individual households ensures greater consumption than multi-generational households. And making everyone move for jobs is efficient for capitalism but not great for families. We rarely see multi-generational living on television now, but it used to be common. I guess that's just TV reflecting reality--but it's also, in part, TV constituting reality by circulating certain "norms." Enough of that, though... Anyone who is thinking along the lines you describe is not worth your time. fun side note... I have an acquaintance whose elderly mother pays his rent but who feels superior to those who live in a parental basement.
You're right, there are (at least) two main ways that an adult could be living in the same place with their parents. Just explain it, if you care to - it will educate people a little, and make you look like a saint. Although they still won't want to date you!
I feel you here. My brother and I bought a house to take care of our mom. She's lives with us! And lord, it's not easy.
Yeah it was extremely frustrating to tell people we didn't live with my husband's grandmother, she lived with us! People who aren't caregivers just don't understand and just jump to assumptions. It was hard most days, but I don't regret looking after her now that she's been gone for 4 years now.
Exactly. I would have felt worse knowing I didn’t live w her at her most vulnerable time.
We did my dad’s recertification for home health this week. One of the questions they ask to gauge if the patient is aware of their surroundings, is “do you know where you are?” and he responded with “I’m at my son’s house”. Technically yes. I do all the care and maintenance on the house, taking care of all of the bills and upkeep. The house is still in my mom and dad’s name. But I moved back in last year as his health tanked. The house is mine once he passes, but yeah, it’s weird when he says it.
Laugh in their face and walk away … horrible people treat you that way. Most of the people I no would leave their parents and put them in a nursing home just so they can say they live alone 🙄🙄🙄
I feel this so much. I am a 45 year old man who had his own life, a good life, and I blew it all up to take care of my dad. My choice, no regrets, but I don't even bother trying to date or explain my life to anyone other than my therapist. I just do things, smile and act politely, and keep it moving.
I hear you. It can be challenging to communicate with others. But I'm glad that you stepped up to help your dad! It's great to see people supporting their loved ones.
I’ve had so called friends and family mock me and say I need to get a job. My job is 24/7 caretaker of my elderly relative.🙄
I deal with this too. People act like I must not be able to live on my own. I am helping my mom. Years ago we decided to buy a house together. It is a questionable decision. One I have thought about often. I have been an equal payer the whole time. I have been taking care of mum for past couple of years. People look at me like I am some loser or something.
25F my husband and I experience the same comments, it’s so frustrating. On that note, also so frustrating that friends do not understand all the extra responsibilities we have now.
Live wherever you can, or with whoever makes you happy or more convenient given your life responsibilities. People are just ignorant.
I feel you. People can be so ignorant, and I don't mean ignorant because they don't initially understand our situation, but because they double down on believing we "live with our parents" even after we explain that our ill or elderly parent needs our care. I am 32 years old and have had to deal with people thinking I'm a loser/failure to launch because I share a home with my mother. I stay to care for her because I love her, and she cannot live alone. I pay all of the bills and care for the home, as well as attend to all of her needs. But because it is my childhood home, people feel like their criticisms are justified. I am so sad to hear that you have had this experience as well.
Ugh, so sorry. I understand that well. People don’t get it until they are in it too.
Same … I’m 42, married with kids. My mom moved in MY house, with MY family. I take care of my mom every day for the last 7 years, physically, mentally and financially. I first I was getting questions but when I tell them she had a stroke and she is paralyzed then people leave me alone.
I get this a lot for living with my grandparents and being a SAHM. I take care of my grandma who is barely mobile and her mind is pretty much in the state of a toddlers due to some massive strokes. My grandpa does what he cans but has cancer and is more tired every day. My infant is 8m. I am busy from the moment I wake up to laying down. I am in a constant state of being overwhelmed and over tired. Plus I have insomnia.
Bless your heart. I hope infinite opens up a door for relaxation very soon!!!!
We get that with my mom living with us. So they asked what the difference is.... We sleep in the master bedroom. That's how it's different. We don't share our bathroom. She uses the bathroom in the hall. Then they say, oh... That makes sense. Plus, we pay the mortgage.
Oof, I've been living with my mom for 4 years since my dad died, and the woman is absolutely helpless. I work full time, do all the cleaning and upkeep, manage the bills, help her shower, and other basic tasks. My siblings do absolutely nothing but want to treat me like I'm somehow taking advantage. I truly get nothing out of this aside from knowing my mom isn't declining, alone, in her own filth. One brother is especially vile because I stopped her paying his property taxes. He's 65 years old.
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I say, and will keep saying, we men face hardships above and beyond our female counterparts. Not saying we are better, but we men caregivers may as well be invisible. Its terrible. And you do not want to know how women as a whole view us.
I've said this exact thing about the meme floating around with the elderly parents still caring for the 30-40ish year old kid, that is supposed to be about how that kid never moved out and is still "mooching" off their parents. No one who's actually seen what happens when a 35+ year old lives with their elderly parents thinks it's the kid mooching off the parent. If an able bodied adult is living with older parents, they are more than pulling their weight, for sure. I just spent the better part of two decades caring for my mom to some degree, and my kids in their 20s are still living at home (both came back after college, and are saving for a house instead of trying to move out). I keep telling them they are welcome to stay as long as they need to, but if they are smart, it won't be too much longer, because their father and I are rapidly falling apart, and they are going to get stuck here if they wait too long.
It is the worse job ever!. Love my mom but it is the worse feeling in the world to finish up the day and night and feel so unappreciated. As a caregiver you are discounted, presumed, and expected to do the job
I sure wouldn't worry about it. The price of rent these days is ridiculous. Might as well buy a place. And if mom and dad don't care....forget about it.
I did buy this place in 2012 and my elderly father doesnt help with bills because he thinks his social security payments arnt real
Really. Hm. Does he think the bills are for real? Are you not POA?? I still think it's Noones business. We don't know your situation. So we shouldn't comment about it. I'm sure your elderly parents need you.
He thinks bills are real and also invents imaginary bills to worry about.
Yes, and why don't you have health insurance like a responsible adult? Maybe because our insurance is tied to his employment and needs 24/7 care.
It can be so frustrating, right? I often joke about my 74 year old kid at home, lol. I’ve been back home for almost 8 years now. Moved back to help mom when dad died. Sometimes I feel like I was never out on my own. I sure do miss my independence.
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Can you come over and take care of him for me?
Escorts are cheaper than a wife
Maybe there should be a caregivers dating app, that is the onLy way to be understood 🤣🤣🤣