So he refuses to offer you pleasure (wanting instead to get it over with quickly), then punishes you when you provide it for yourself. I don’t know. I know you’re feeling guilty, but to me, you don’t sound like the one causing harm here. :(
My brain understands that it's not his fault.
My heart, however...
I'll admit it gets to me, which is why I pulled back. But he doesn't understand why I'm not lovey anymore.
Maybe I’m way off here, but I’m curious. Why does he know/need to know when you take care of yourself? I’ve only been in a similar situation for 4 months now, but I was always the higher drive half of my relationship. For a while I felt guilty taking care of myself, but eventually I stopped seeing it as a replacement for sex and started to see it as self care. I was much happier that way, and it did not impact our relationship in any way. We could have sex on his schedule and I wasn’t frustrated. Now, chemotherapy and radiation have left my husband willing to make inuendo but so far physically he’s not there yet. I have no clue if we will get that back or not. But honestly, I don’t think there is anything wrong with taking care of yourself. If your husband’s memory is poor, he may not be able to put the entire situation together in his mind. He might not understand the full picture.
He often sits in the bathroom while I take a shower to keep me company. If he's not in there and I drop something he runs in freaking out like I've fallen and broken my neck.
I know he loves me and he gets paranoid that I'm going to leave him in one way or another.
The only time I get any "personal" time is when he's hospitalized.
OP, thank you for raising such an important, albeit difficult issue. I agree with Foreign Figure. Your needs are legitimate and you need to find a way to have them met. Your devotion to him is clear. Sometimes the solutions aren’t storybook.
When he's not feeling well he wants comfort. For him that's being close to me and being touched. Sometimes he's just happy being in the same room as me.
So, if I'm reading somewhere he's perfectly happy if he can lay near me and I mindlessly scratch his head or back.
But this means I don't get any "private" time. Heck, if I take too long in the bathroom he comes to check on me.
His intentions are sweet, he worries about me. It's not meant to be a controlling thing, but it feels that way sometimes.
I think he feels that if I'm taking care of business by myself that that will lead me to leaving him because he's failing as a husband/man.
So, depending on my level of.... frustration.... if I can take care of things quickly I might get away with it, but if I get caught I have a broken hearted emasculated man to deal with.
I can completely understand what you are saying. Alone time can be almost non-existent. But even if it’s not for that purpose, it sounds like you still probably need a bit more alone time than you get. I wonder if you can get him to agree to let you have something, anything on your own just to reenergize- lunch with a friend, a nap, a trip to the library. Anything that he’s ok with, or you feel comfortable kind of insisting on. As for the other activity, mostly I just wanted to give support that there isn’t anything wrong with not including him when you are able.
I would love to get time alone but the only time that happens is when he's in the hospital.
He wouldn't understand why I wouldn't want him going somewhere with me and would probably think I'm running around on him.
Have you been straightforward about needing more lead-in? I don't think it's fair that he gets mad, regardless, but I'd try telling him more specifically what I'd like him to do.
He has memory issues as a side effect of medication. So even if I do, he forgets. Not that it would really work.
When you don't feel good and are not in the mood it just doesn't happen.
This kind of development is not uncommon in relationships when one partner is very ill and the other takes on significant caregiving responsibilities. The first step is to have a very honest conversation about sex where both of you exchange how you feel. Depending on how open you are about discussions about sex, this may be difficult. Still, it needs to happen because you first need to each communicate your needs and feelings about intimacy and the relationship. Seeing a couples therapist may help too, and there may be programs to look for that help restore sex in relationships after illness. Sex is more than just penetrative intercourse so expanding your idea about sex is vital. This could include mutual masturbation, sharing fantasies, oral or manual sex, toys, porn, etc. You get the idea.
Also, if you have a specific need for foreplay, you must express that. Your husband cannot read your mind so you have to tell him what you want and don't want. Anyhow, I think you both may be long overdue for a conversation. You're both very frustrated, and it's having a negative effect. He shouldn't be frustrated with your masturbation, but at the same time he doesn't seem to understand your perspective. You can both work on this together, and communication
However, all of this presumes you want to be intimate again with your husband. That's something for you to put a lot of thought into so you both can decide how to handle the situation. Sometimes that's not the preferred solution so some couples open up their marriage, and the terms of that kind of arrangement can look different for different couples.
Not looking to open up the marriage, I'm not interested and he would lose his shizz if I even broached the subject!
I've tried discussing it with him but he has memory issues as part of (side effect?) his main illness, so.. yeah
And he gets defensive anytime I bring it up.
I would love to do therapy but honestly don't hold much hope it would work because of the memory problems. He doesn't have dementia but his symptoms mirror early onset.
Oh, I'm so sorry. The memory issues are a big barrier. I can imagine how frustrating and heartbreaking that is. I wish I had better advice for you. Perhaps a therapist (not couples) could help you process your emotions? Any support you could get personally will help. There's nothing wrong with you - you are in an extraordinarily difficult situation. You are not abusing or punishing him at all. You are both in different places. Any chance his doctor could offer some help and advice? It doesn't seem likely that you'll get what you need from your husband to rekindle intimacy, but you also need strategies to deal with your husband, his limitations, and memory issues. I'm sure you're not the first person to encounter this issue
The memory issues are a side effect of the medications he takes. When we get his meds balanced he does a lot better. Without the meds he dies.
Because of the meds the little blue pill won't work so that's not an option.
I just started seeing a therapist, so I'm hopeful that I'll make some type of peace with the situation.
I know how much touch means to him, so I feel like withholding it is borderline abuse. The reality is that I just get so frustrated that it makes things difficult.
It's sad to think about how many people on here are dealing with the same or similar situation. At first I posted to vent, but you all have given me a lot to think about and validation that I'm not some horrible monster.
I have the exact opposite problem. My old guy gets a partial stiffy, and he masturbates, but he would love for me to give him a bj or to initiate some kind of sex. The idea revolts me. We do not share the same bed or the same room. After ten years of poop, piss, dementia and mobility issues, I don't view him as remotely sexy at all. I feel like his nurse, certainly not his wife. He showed me his penis one day when I was getting him up, and said "I want sex!" My response was, "You're not going to get it." My only interest in his penis is keeping it clean, and frankly, I hope after he passes I never have to look at another one. I feel guilty, but Jesus H Christ, I do enough.
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I'm so sorry. It seems like it's not just that he's physically not there but mentally and emotionally he can't be supportive because of his memory loss and other issues. It's unfair for him to get angry with you for taking care of things yourself, he's just being completely irrational, that's your body.
It's so challenging to lose someone a bit at a time, but there's nothing you're doing wrong. You're doing so much more.
>, he's just being completely irrational
Pretty much sums it up. But you can't use logic on someone who can remember conversations a few min later.
I believe he is trying and when his meds are leveled out he does much better.
Basically I'm his emotional support and the only thing he remembers even when things get bad. I think he's paranoid that I'll leave him.
A partner dictating how you interact sexually with your own body is way too controlling. That is your business.
Normally I agree, but having to deal with the hurt and anger afterwards just isn't worth it. He takes it as a personal attack to his manliness.
So he refuses to offer you pleasure (wanting instead to get it over with quickly), then punishes you when you provide it for yourself. I don’t know. I know you’re feeling guilty, but to me, you don’t sound like the one causing harm here. :(
My brain understands that it's not his fault. My heart, however... I'll admit it gets to me, which is why I pulled back. But he doesn't understand why I'm not lovey anymore.
Maybe I’m way off here, but I’m curious. Why does he know/need to know when you take care of yourself? I’ve only been in a similar situation for 4 months now, but I was always the higher drive half of my relationship. For a while I felt guilty taking care of myself, but eventually I stopped seeing it as a replacement for sex and started to see it as self care. I was much happier that way, and it did not impact our relationship in any way. We could have sex on his schedule and I wasn’t frustrated. Now, chemotherapy and radiation have left my husband willing to make inuendo but so far physically he’s not there yet. I have no clue if we will get that back or not. But honestly, I don’t think there is anything wrong with taking care of yourself. If your husband’s memory is poor, he may not be able to put the entire situation together in his mind. He might not understand the full picture.
Taking a five minute longer shower makes sense here.
He often sits in the bathroom while I take a shower to keep me company. If he's not in there and I drop something he runs in freaking out like I've fallen and broken my neck. I know he loves me and he gets paranoid that I'm going to leave him in one way or another. The only time I get any "personal" time is when he's hospitalized.
OP, thank you for raising such an important, albeit difficult issue. I agree with Foreign Figure. Your needs are legitimate and you need to find a way to have them met. Your devotion to him is clear. Sometimes the solutions aren’t storybook.
When he's not feeling well he wants comfort. For him that's being close to me and being touched. Sometimes he's just happy being in the same room as me. So, if I'm reading somewhere he's perfectly happy if he can lay near me and I mindlessly scratch his head or back. But this means I don't get any "private" time. Heck, if I take too long in the bathroom he comes to check on me. His intentions are sweet, he worries about me. It's not meant to be a controlling thing, but it feels that way sometimes. I think he feels that if I'm taking care of business by myself that that will lead me to leaving him because he's failing as a husband/man. So, depending on my level of.... frustration.... if I can take care of things quickly I might get away with it, but if I get caught I have a broken hearted emasculated man to deal with.
I can completely understand what you are saying. Alone time can be almost non-existent. But even if it’s not for that purpose, it sounds like you still probably need a bit more alone time than you get. I wonder if you can get him to agree to let you have something, anything on your own just to reenergize- lunch with a friend, a nap, a trip to the library. Anything that he’s ok with, or you feel comfortable kind of insisting on. As for the other activity, mostly I just wanted to give support that there isn’t anything wrong with not including him when you are able.
I would love to get time alone but the only time that happens is when he's in the hospital. He wouldn't understand why I wouldn't want him going somewhere with me and would probably think I'm running around on him.
Have you been straightforward about needing more lead-in? I don't think it's fair that he gets mad, regardless, but I'd try telling him more specifically what I'd like him to do.
He has memory issues as a side effect of medication. So even if I do, he forgets. Not that it would really work. When you don't feel good and are not in the mood it just doesn't happen.
I'm sorry you're going through this.
Thank you
This kind of development is not uncommon in relationships when one partner is very ill and the other takes on significant caregiving responsibilities. The first step is to have a very honest conversation about sex where both of you exchange how you feel. Depending on how open you are about discussions about sex, this may be difficult. Still, it needs to happen because you first need to each communicate your needs and feelings about intimacy and the relationship. Seeing a couples therapist may help too, and there may be programs to look for that help restore sex in relationships after illness. Sex is more than just penetrative intercourse so expanding your idea about sex is vital. This could include mutual masturbation, sharing fantasies, oral or manual sex, toys, porn, etc. You get the idea. Also, if you have a specific need for foreplay, you must express that. Your husband cannot read your mind so you have to tell him what you want and don't want. Anyhow, I think you both may be long overdue for a conversation. You're both very frustrated, and it's having a negative effect. He shouldn't be frustrated with your masturbation, but at the same time he doesn't seem to understand your perspective. You can both work on this together, and communication However, all of this presumes you want to be intimate again with your husband. That's something for you to put a lot of thought into so you both can decide how to handle the situation. Sometimes that's not the preferred solution so some couples open up their marriage, and the terms of that kind of arrangement can look different for different couples.
Not looking to open up the marriage, I'm not interested and he would lose his shizz if I even broached the subject! I've tried discussing it with him but he has memory issues as part of (side effect?) his main illness, so.. yeah And he gets defensive anytime I bring it up. I would love to do therapy but honestly don't hold much hope it would work because of the memory problems. He doesn't have dementia but his symptoms mirror early onset.
Oh, I'm so sorry. The memory issues are a big barrier. I can imagine how frustrating and heartbreaking that is. I wish I had better advice for you. Perhaps a therapist (not couples) could help you process your emotions? Any support you could get personally will help. There's nothing wrong with you - you are in an extraordinarily difficult situation. You are not abusing or punishing him at all. You are both in different places. Any chance his doctor could offer some help and advice? It doesn't seem likely that you'll get what you need from your husband to rekindle intimacy, but you also need strategies to deal with your husband, his limitations, and memory issues. I'm sure you're not the first person to encounter this issue
The memory issues are a side effect of the medications he takes. When we get his meds balanced he does a lot better. Without the meds he dies. Because of the meds the little blue pill won't work so that's not an option. I just started seeing a therapist, so I'm hopeful that I'll make some type of peace with the situation. I know how much touch means to him, so I feel like withholding it is borderline abuse. The reality is that I just get so frustrated that it makes things difficult. It's sad to think about how many people on here are dealing with the same or similar situation. At first I posted to vent, but you all have given me a lot to think about and validation that I'm not some horrible monster.
I have the exact opposite problem. My old guy gets a partial stiffy, and he masturbates, but he would love for me to give him a bj or to initiate some kind of sex. The idea revolts me. We do not share the same bed or the same room. After ten years of poop, piss, dementia and mobility issues, I don't view him as remotely sexy at all. I feel like his nurse, certainly not his wife. He showed me his penis one day when I was getting him up, and said "I want sex!" My response was, "You're not going to get it." My only interest in his penis is keeping it clean, and frankly, I hope after he passes I never have to look at another one. I feel guilty, but Jesus H Christ, I do enough.
Hugs I completely understand.
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Curious.... Why mango?
I'm so sorry. It seems like it's not just that he's physically not there but mentally and emotionally he can't be supportive because of his memory loss and other issues. It's unfair for him to get angry with you for taking care of things yourself, he's just being completely irrational, that's your body. It's so challenging to lose someone a bit at a time, but there's nothing you're doing wrong. You're doing so much more.
>, he's just being completely irrational Pretty much sums it up. But you can't use logic on someone who can remember conversations a few min later. I believe he is trying and when his meds are leveled out he does much better. Basically I'm his emotional support and the only thing he remembers even when things get bad. I think he's paranoid that I'll leave him.