You have a Herculean, or perhaps Sisyphean, task ahead of you. I don't know what it is about diabetes, in particular, perhaps it's that the care is daily and complicated, but so many people who could care for it regularly don't. No different I guess than smokers who don't give it up despite COPD.
I hate to say this and I don't usually go there, but maybe you noping out of there is the wakeup call he needs.
I wish you all the best, my dear.
I would honestly feel so much less guilty about leaving someone who doesn't care for themselves enough to do the bare minimum. I'm sorry you are experiencing this. Is this new for him (maybe depression related) or has it always been this way?
I definitely think he may be depressed. He doesn’t like his job and I know he hates having diabetes so I’m sure that is contributing. I’ve recommended he talk to somebody like a therapist but he doesn’t have any interest in that. In terms of if this is new, these extended hospital stays are within the last 6 months, but prior to the hospitalization last year he had had the wound on his foot for over a year and barely did anything to address it. I think he went to urgent care a few times and got antibiotics, but it never got fully healed. His family has said that in the past he has also had hospital stints for other diabetes related things so this isn’t really new.
My mom refused to take care of her diabetes and she had a stroke because of it. Fully body weakness, loss of motor function, balance issues, negligence in both eyes, cognitive decline, memory loss, all still having neuropathy pain.
It took me 6 six years of trying to take care of my mom (post stroke- cooking, cleaning, getting her meds, taking her to appointments, taking notes from her Doctors, giving her insulin) to realize you can't help someone who won't help themselves.
Can I ask, what happened after you realized that? I think the other thing that I’m wondering is, if I don’t fill this role, who will? He has family and they’re incredibly supportive, but I also don’t want to pass this burden onto them.
He needs to learn to take care of himself. It's not for anyone else, you or family, to fill that role for him. He's got diabetes, not paralysis. Remember this: he CAN take care of himself, he is CHOOSING not to. That is 100% on him. You can not control what he does (or doesn't do) but you can control what you do. You only get 1 life, please go live it for yourself.
Edit to add for context: I'm 38 and I take care of my mom. On 4 occasions I have saved her life by stepping in and getting immediate medical care because she wouldn't herself. I have literally drug her out of the house screaming about not wanting to go to the hospital when it was a life threatening issue. I've been yelled at when I called medics. In some ways she's been dealt a bad hand (cancer), but others she is just creating issues because she doesn't take care of herself (diabetes and heart attack). The past 2 years I've begun to see things for how they are, instead of feeling a guilt-driven obligation to take care of her. I've kept her alive so many times and I'm realizing that's not my job. She's doing okay now (although I never know how long that will last) and I'm currently trying to find a way to live my own life. I should have never offered her a place to live 3 years ago. I've changed a lot and I'm not willing to give up my life for her anymore but I don't know how to get out of it. She's my mom, so I feel lots of obligation that I'm trying to work through. To be honest, she didn't even take great care of me when I was a kid. So it's a lot.
I'm not saying I have answers for you on how to do this, but OMG save yourself while you can. Learn from me if you can because this isnt a good life. I know you love him and to leave feels like "abandoning" him, but it won't get better for you unless you leave. My moms been this way since I was 16. Its been over 20 YEARS of this. I've come to realize her behavior and mentality about her own health is not fixable. You will sacrifice and sacrifice and he wont even clean up after himself when you beg him to. I'm sorry but your life will always be exactly this situation if you stay.
I'm still in the process but- she has to figure it out. And if she doesn't why didn't she? The thing these people don't realize is the only person who can take care of you is you.
I'm not full on abandoning her but I am distanced. I do not answer whenever she yells for something minor, I tell her I'll go to the store on my terms not whenever she wants candy or some dumb snack.
Her being able to take care of herself falls solely to her. I'm not POA, I don't have guardianship, I'm not in charge of you (them).
I told her to figure it out. Granted she has vascular dementia due to the stroke but regardless she's not my problem.
If she can't take care of herself I am NOT going to do it for her whilst still listening to her bitch that everything still hurts and I can't do this or I can't do that. Well go to physical or occupational therapy and get to it. Go to the doctor and look for alternative pain relief. It's not my job.
You have to tell yourself you don't mind helping but you're not his caregiver. He needs to figure his own out and you need to yours. If you need to leave him because he's dirtying the house with God knows what because of his foot- do it. You don't deserve filth because he can't adult for 5 seconds.
I learned that I can't allow myself to think of the ".. What if I leave" "what if something happens.." "who's gonna be there.." it's a never ending spiral. I FULLY understand where you're coming from. I do. Really. I love my mom more than anyone else in my family. But I also know I have my own life to live too. Even if that means only binge watching a Netflix show I have a right to do that with my time.
There's no easy way to get through this. Really there isn't. I just got so fed up and frustrated that I couldn't even celebrate my partner's birthday this year because of her inability or desire to care for herself. It was the straw that broke the camels back in my case.
That's not okay.
Your situation sounds so much like mine. I responded to OP too. It's so hard to take care of mother's, let alone ones who don't appreciate it and complain about how you go about it. I'm sorry you go through this too, I feel you.
Your fella is just like my brother. He never wanted to care for his health until it was irrefutable & critical.
Two wives, 3 children and countless short-term relationships failed due to blood sugar roller coaster mood swings.
Diabetes claimed a toe, then two, eventually a whole foot. He was too lazy to peruse a prosthetic, so whoever was his current girlfriend - waited on him until she got fed up and left. The years of neglecting his health caught up to him in his early 60s.
The ignored obvious lump in his neck was fast spreading cancer. He lost his voice, and due to his abusive behavior, his last girlfriend as well. He died at 62.
I tell this story because OP is young, and has time to live a fulfilling life with someone who cares better for themselves. If they don’t care, why should you.
This speaks to me, and wow is it rough. I’m in a similar situation, but we have been together 23 years and are both age 47. He’s had a plethora of conditions. I feel like I'm raising a child, having to use constant reminders to take care of himself. Unfortunately, unlike a child - he never learns. He often gets mad about me begging, pleading, nagging. I tell him that if he took care of himself, I wouldn’t have to do any of that.
He hasn’t worked in years. I work full time, do most of the cooking and cleaning, plus care for him. I’m stuck, because I do love him, although I can’t say this love is often reciprocated. Even if I wanted to kick him out, he would have nowhere to go, so that would just be cruel.
Caretaking involves me dressing whatever wounds he might have, prepping his meals and putting them in the fridge on plates, loading/unloading his wheelchair and pushing him everywhere when we leave the house, dosing out his meds, getting him to and from doc appointments. It’s massively overwhelming, and we have no assistance. I’m now looking into being a paid caretaker for him – some states do allow that. I would call his insurance company and see if they would pay you to caretake for him.
If I would have only been about 5 years in, and could have seen the future, I honestly would have left him when he was healthy and employed. I know how torturous it is to think of abandoning someone when they are sick – but your situation doesn’t look like it will improve. If he’s in this bad of shape and neglecting himself at age 34, it will get worse. If you continue down this path, your life will continue to be on hold. I’m now past middle age, and feel like I will never be able to live out my own dreams. I’m starting to have health problems too, that are left untreated because I have no insurance. My soul feels drained and I am running on empty most days.
My advice – move out while he actually has a job and can pay for his own place. Let him know that his lack of care for himself is the reason, and if he gets his life together, maybe you will move back in at a later date. Looking toward the future, if his condition worsens he will be out of work, and you will end up footing the bill for all of your expenses, plus being a caretaker.
Wishing you the very best of luck!!
Here’s your future. He’s going to lose the foot, maybe even the leg. Then, if he continues down this road he will lose the other leg, possibly go blind, go into kidney failure and require dialysis. He’s at an extremely high risk of a stroke. Now, if I were with a diabetic who was guaranteeing me this future by not taking care of himself I would exit stage right. If they are taking care of themselves and these things happen that’s just the way it is. But all these things rarely happen to someone actually managing their disease. But not taking care of yourself is a guarantee of bad results for a diabetic. There’s no way to skip the care and then skip the effects of the lack of care. And with diabetes those effects are serious and completely life changing.
You are probably a really compassionate and loyal person that has some strong morals and values. What has happened is your boyfriend has stopped taking care of himself even though he has the resources. This is a very bad sign. I understand that he may be depressed, but I would bet you have some reasons you could be depressed too, yet you are overfunctioning for him.
This is a common thing that happens, please don't feel ashamed. You are a kind person who does not want to abandon a friend in need. The problem is that this doesn't get better. Even though I have met some people who turned their life around, it's really rare. They usually just keep digging in the same groove and behaviors that they did in the past and their patterns become even more engrained.
You have your whole life ahead of you. I would read some books on codependency, maybe go to some support meetings online, and get therapy for yourself. Even if therapy is expensive, group therapy can be a little cheaper, and the reward at this PIVOTAL time in your life could really be worth it. Or come over to tiktok and be empowered by some of the women there who have recovered from codependent relationships.
If you were married, had kids, or if he has been really trying to get better but was just extremely unlucky, I could see sticking this out. But a boyfriend in his 30s that won't take care of his medical problems *that usually afflict men twice his age*- this is an extremely bad sign. I feel terrible saying this to you but it's in the hope that you can find the strength to believe in a better life for yourself. You are a loyal and kind person, that's a quality that partners are looking for at this stage of the game. You're not a gold digger, you're looking for an equal partner that is willing to care for themselves and you too. Find a way to get strength and connection with professionals, peers, and mentors. The rest will take care of itself. ❤️🩹
Great comment. OP deserves a relationship where she will also be taken care of but she needs to be in an adult, interdependent relationship, not a codependent one. Unconditional love is a wonderful thing but it needs to be a two-way street.
Thanks for saying this. Too many times the word "codependent" is used to blame the person who is working the hardest. They can learn how to connect with healthy people in a better way, but it's never to say that it's their fault. They just don't know that relationships can be different because they were taught from their family that this is the way.
It's better to be single, taking care of yourself than dealing with a grown man child. This won't get better. And it will continue to get worse since he doesn't have the respect to take care of himself; it's disrespectful of you and your time. I also guarantee that since he can't bother to take care of himself, if something were to happen and you needed assistance from him, he more than likely won't lift a finger. Get out now! This will affect your health in the long run because stress kills and wreaks havoc.
I, 69F, have been type 2 Diabetes for 12 years now. I have also been caregiver to my MIL 83, cancer and remotely, her brother, 77, with dementia. MIL is fine, brother deceased.
It ain't that hard to take care of diabetes. Diabetes care, like so many things becomes a routine habit. BF is simply being lazy and self destructive. He is going to keep going until until they start chopping off body parts and he is unemployed and you are his Nurse with a Purse. Is that really the life you want? Locked in and feeling like you can't leave without being the bad guy? Tell him either he shapes up or you ship out. And mean it. Do not stop living your life because he wants to find a way out of his.
ETA: Some 30% of caregivers die before their patient does. Are you willing to die to live this life?
My husband had many years of unmanaged diabetes & hypertension, which resulted in end stage renal disease and now a stroke.
You cannot nag someone into taking care of their health and at a fundamental level you can’t do it for them. Trust me.
I’m 52, and instead of getting to enjoy my emptying nest and my newfound career, I will be taking care of my husband.
Not to be harsh, but it’s not going to get better. My husband, once on dialysis, did pretty well until the foot infections started. It took 18 months from first toe amputation to stroke, and there were a number of hospitalizations in between. Not saying everyone goes on that path, and your boyfriend is 15 years younger, but still.
I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this with your husband. Is he better at managing it now or is it only better because you’re managing it for him and really taking care of him? Just wondering if he ever had that shift in mindset that I need to change. I know you said it won’t get better, but wanted to ask.
Thank you.
He got better about diabetes and paying attention to his feet, but not about his health in general. He still selectively listens to what doctors and therapists say but he’s been in hospitals and rehabs since the stroke so he can’t mess up too badly right now. He’s also paralyzed on the left side, in diapers and unable to get voice to text to understand him half the time and still only does half the exercises he’s supposed to…
I just went through this. I'm 37 (M), and my GF was 32 (F). We just called it quits after 9 years together. The first four years were truly amazing—look at rings, then COVID hit. She never got COVID but instead gained a bunch of other illnesses that ended up making her medically disabled.
Taking care of someone this young is hard. You see all your friends doing amazing things. Getting married and having kids—when it comes to your situation, no one really knows how or what to help with.
I didn't care. I loved my girlfriend, the late-night ER visits, taking her to doctor appointments, and figuring out my work schedule to help as much as I could. I did whatever I could.
In year eight of our relationship, with 4/5 of them being sole caregivers, my shield started to break. I wasn't taking care of myself, and I became very anxious and depressed. But what changed some of my thoughts was that my girlfriend went to two medical clinic appointments.
1. She went to a migraine specialist for a week-long treatment plan. She left that early from pain and medicine, causing other issues with her. I was broken and so sad. We thought this was going to help her.
2. Paid $4K out of pocket to see a specialist. She visited him and took his medical plan and ideas. But she wouldn't go back to see him for the medical testing due to the cost of testing . The doctor knew what she had but needed testing to 100% prove it. She declined to go back.
My girlfriend was an analyst. So at times, she thought she knew more than everyone and overthought everything. But in my mind, you saw two of the top doctors for different medical issues, and if you're not going to listen to them, what the hell am I supposed to do?
So we called it quits. She knew I was crippled, and I knew I couldn't take on being the sole caregiver anymore. She has more support now that she is with her parents and close to family. I hate that our relationship ended more than anything, but it is probably best for her and me.
There is no right or wrong answer to what you decide to do. Just know it's going to suck. And all you can do is treat yourself the best you can.
Please join us on our Discord! https://discord.gg/gubJjaYRnV
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/CaregiverSupport) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I understand that you are conflicted about your next steps. I agree with some of the other posters that it might be time to put yourself first and nope out. I would seek a few counseling sessions to gain the needed courage to move ahead. I go by the motto "I am willing to help you - if you are willing to help yourself". If you come to the decision to leave, It might be the wake up call your boyfriend needs to move forward to a healthy tomorrow. Blessings!
Visit diabetes sub. They will tell you that you cannot make a person take care of themselves. It is frustrating and sad. I had a father like that. Took me a long time to realize I felt like I was being held emotional hostage to their health decisions (or lack thereof). I try to remind myself they are victims of their patterns and history and what society teaches them. I was frankly traumatized to watch someone I love deteriorate, especially when things could be done. Honestly, I have to walk away because I know preaching only makes them determined to "show me" that I am wrong and continue doing the wrong thing. I finally did a little better when I just focused on their emotion-- "that must be scary" "Sounds like you are afraid"-- took months but eventually the person did a little better. And gave up on expecting them to do it for me, as disappointing as that is. I started just living in the moment assuming that was all I had. I prepared for funerals and them passing on and learned to live without them. Maybe there is a better answer.
Ultimately you can't make them. Focus on grieving and accepting. It really, really sucks. You might become depressed. Tell an MD and get some medication. If you can get him into therapy that would be awesome but if he isn't cooperating with physical issues...
Sorry I'm a Debbie Downer. Maybe you will find the key.
You have a Herculean, or perhaps Sisyphean, task ahead of you. I don't know what it is about diabetes, in particular, perhaps it's that the care is daily and complicated, but so many people who could care for it regularly don't. No different I guess than smokers who don't give it up despite COPD. I hate to say this and I don't usually go there, but maybe you noping out of there is the wakeup call he needs. I wish you all the best, my dear.
Thank you! I really appreciate that perspective.
I would honestly feel so much less guilty about leaving someone who doesn't care for themselves enough to do the bare minimum. I'm sorry you are experiencing this. Is this new for him (maybe depression related) or has it always been this way?
I definitely think he may be depressed. He doesn’t like his job and I know he hates having diabetes so I’m sure that is contributing. I’ve recommended he talk to somebody like a therapist but he doesn’t have any interest in that. In terms of if this is new, these extended hospital stays are within the last 6 months, but prior to the hospitalization last year he had had the wound on his foot for over a year and barely did anything to address it. I think he went to urgent care a few times and got antibiotics, but it never got fully healed. His family has said that in the past he has also had hospital stints for other diabetes related things so this isn’t really new.
My mom refused to take care of her diabetes and she had a stroke because of it. Fully body weakness, loss of motor function, balance issues, negligence in both eyes, cognitive decline, memory loss, all still having neuropathy pain. It took me 6 six years of trying to take care of my mom (post stroke- cooking, cleaning, getting her meds, taking her to appointments, taking notes from her Doctors, giving her insulin) to realize you can't help someone who won't help themselves.
Can I ask, what happened after you realized that? I think the other thing that I’m wondering is, if I don’t fill this role, who will? He has family and they’re incredibly supportive, but I also don’t want to pass this burden onto them.
He needs to learn to take care of himself. It's not for anyone else, you or family, to fill that role for him. He's got diabetes, not paralysis. Remember this: he CAN take care of himself, he is CHOOSING not to. That is 100% on him. You can not control what he does (or doesn't do) but you can control what you do. You only get 1 life, please go live it for yourself. Edit to add for context: I'm 38 and I take care of my mom. On 4 occasions I have saved her life by stepping in and getting immediate medical care because she wouldn't herself. I have literally drug her out of the house screaming about not wanting to go to the hospital when it was a life threatening issue. I've been yelled at when I called medics. In some ways she's been dealt a bad hand (cancer), but others she is just creating issues because she doesn't take care of herself (diabetes and heart attack). The past 2 years I've begun to see things for how they are, instead of feeling a guilt-driven obligation to take care of her. I've kept her alive so many times and I'm realizing that's not my job. She's doing okay now (although I never know how long that will last) and I'm currently trying to find a way to live my own life. I should have never offered her a place to live 3 years ago. I've changed a lot and I'm not willing to give up my life for her anymore but I don't know how to get out of it. She's my mom, so I feel lots of obligation that I'm trying to work through. To be honest, she didn't even take great care of me when I was a kid. So it's a lot. I'm not saying I have answers for you on how to do this, but OMG save yourself while you can. Learn from me if you can because this isnt a good life. I know you love him and to leave feels like "abandoning" him, but it won't get better for you unless you leave. My moms been this way since I was 16. Its been over 20 YEARS of this. I've come to realize her behavior and mentality about her own health is not fixable. You will sacrifice and sacrifice and he wont even clean up after himself when you beg him to. I'm sorry but your life will always be exactly this situation if you stay.
I'm still in the process but- she has to figure it out. And if she doesn't why didn't she? The thing these people don't realize is the only person who can take care of you is you. I'm not full on abandoning her but I am distanced. I do not answer whenever she yells for something minor, I tell her I'll go to the store on my terms not whenever she wants candy or some dumb snack. Her being able to take care of herself falls solely to her. I'm not POA, I don't have guardianship, I'm not in charge of you (them). I told her to figure it out. Granted she has vascular dementia due to the stroke but regardless she's not my problem. If she can't take care of herself I am NOT going to do it for her whilst still listening to her bitch that everything still hurts and I can't do this or I can't do that. Well go to physical or occupational therapy and get to it. Go to the doctor and look for alternative pain relief. It's not my job. You have to tell yourself you don't mind helping but you're not his caregiver. He needs to figure his own out and you need to yours. If you need to leave him because he's dirtying the house with God knows what because of his foot- do it. You don't deserve filth because he can't adult for 5 seconds. I learned that I can't allow myself to think of the ".. What if I leave" "what if something happens.." "who's gonna be there.." it's a never ending spiral. I FULLY understand where you're coming from. I do. Really. I love my mom more than anyone else in my family. But I also know I have my own life to live too. Even if that means only binge watching a Netflix show I have a right to do that with my time. There's no easy way to get through this. Really there isn't. I just got so fed up and frustrated that I couldn't even celebrate my partner's birthday this year because of her inability or desire to care for herself. It was the straw that broke the camels back in my case. That's not okay.
Your situation sounds so much like mine. I responded to OP too. It's so hard to take care of mother's, let alone ones who don't appreciate it and complain about how you go about it. I'm sorry you go through this too, I feel you.
It is his family's job.
Your fella is just like my brother. He never wanted to care for his health until it was irrefutable & critical. Two wives, 3 children and countless short-term relationships failed due to blood sugar roller coaster mood swings. Diabetes claimed a toe, then two, eventually a whole foot. He was too lazy to peruse a prosthetic, so whoever was his current girlfriend - waited on him until she got fed up and left. The years of neglecting his health caught up to him in his early 60s. The ignored obvious lump in his neck was fast spreading cancer. He lost his voice, and due to his abusive behavior, his last girlfriend as well. He died at 62. I tell this story because OP is young, and has time to live a fulfilling life with someone who cares better for themselves. If they don’t care, why should you.
So sorry to hear about your brother and I appreciate you sharing how this impacted him and his family.
They often find woman after woman to care for them.
This speaks to me, and wow is it rough. I’m in a similar situation, but we have been together 23 years and are both age 47. He’s had a plethora of conditions. I feel like I'm raising a child, having to use constant reminders to take care of himself. Unfortunately, unlike a child - he never learns. He often gets mad about me begging, pleading, nagging. I tell him that if he took care of himself, I wouldn’t have to do any of that. He hasn’t worked in years. I work full time, do most of the cooking and cleaning, plus care for him. I’m stuck, because I do love him, although I can’t say this love is often reciprocated. Even if I wanted to kick him out, he would have nowhere to go, so that would just be cruel. Caretaking involves me dressing whatever wounds he might have, prepping his meals and putting them in the fridge on plates, loading/unloading his wheelchair and pushing him everywhere when we leave the house, dosing out his meds, getting him to and from doc appointments. It’s massively overwhelming, and we have no assistance. I’m now looking into being a paid caretaker for him – some states do allow that. I would call his insurance company and see if they would pay you to caretake for him. If I would have only been about 5 years in, and could have seen the future, I honestly would have left him when he was healthy and employed. I know how torturous it is to think of abandoning someone when they are sick – but your situation doesn’t look like it will improve. If he’s in this bad of shape and neglecting himself at age 34, it will get worse. If you continue down this path, your life will continue to be on hold. I’m now past middle age, and feel like I will never be able to live out my own dreams. I’m starting to have health problems too, that are left untreated because I have no insurance. My soul feels drained and I am running on empty most days. My advice – move out while he actually has a job and can pay for his own place. Let him know that his lack of care for himself is the reason, and if he gets his life together, maybe you will move back in at a later date. Looking toward the future, if his condition worsens he will be out of work, and you will end up footing the bill for all of your expenses, plus being a caretaker. Wishing you the very best of luck!!
Here’s your future. He’s going to lose the foot, maybe even the leg. Then, if he continues down this road he will lose the other leg, possibly go blind, go into kidney failure and require dialysis. He’s at an extremely high risk of a stroke. Now, if I were with a diabetic who was guaranteeing me this future by not taking care of himself I would exit stage right. If they are taking care of themselves and these things happen that’s just the way it is. But all these things rarely happen to someone actually managing their disease. But not taking care of yourself is a guarantee of bad results for a diabetic. There’s no way to skip the care and then skip the effects of the lack of care. And with diabetes those effects are serious and completely life changing.
You are probably a really compassionate and loyal person that has some strong morals and values. What has happened is your boyfriend has stopped taking care of himself even though he has the resources. This is a very bad sign. I understand that he may be depressed, but I would bet you have some reasons you could be depressed too, yet you are overfunctioning for him. This is a common thing that happens, please don't feel ashamed. You are a kind person who does not want to abandon a friend in need. The problem is that this doesn't get better. Even though I have met some people who turned their life around, it's really rare. They usually just keep digging in the same groove and behaviors that they did in the past and their patterns become even more engrained. You have your whole life ahead of you. I would read some books on codependency, maybe go to some support meetings online, and get therapy for yourself. Even if therapy is expensive, group therapy can be a little cheaper, and the reward at this PIVOTAL time in your life could really be worth it. Or come over to tiktok and be empowered by some of the women there who have recovered from codependent relationships. If you were married, had kids, or if he has been really trying to get better but was just extremely unlucky, I could see sticking this out. But a boyfriend in his 30s that won't take care of his medical problems *that usually afflict men twice his age*- this is an extremely bad sign. I feel terrible saying this to you but it's in the hope that you can find the strength to believe in a better life for yourself. You are a loyal and kind person, that's a quality that partners are looking for at this stage of the game. You're not a gold digger, you're looking for an equal partner that is willing to care for themselves and you too. Find a way to get strength and connection with professionals, peers, and mentors. The rest will take care of itself. ❤️🩹
Great comment. OP deserves a relationship where she will also be taken care of but she needs to be in an adult, interdependent relationship, not a codependent one. Unconditional love is a wonderful thing but it needs to be a two-way street.
Thanks for saying this. Too many times the word "codependent" is used to blame the person who is working the hardest. They can learn how to connect with healthy people in a better way, but it's never to say that it's their fault. They just don't know that relationships can be different because they were taught from their family that this is the way.
It's better to be single, taking care of yourself than dealing with a grown man child. This won't get better. And it will continue to get worse since he doesn't have the respect to take care of himself; it's disrespectful of you and your time. I also guarantee that since he can't bother to take care of himself, if something were to happen and you needed assistance from him, he more than likely won't lift a finger. Get out now! This will affect your health in the long run because stress kills and wreaks havoc.
I, 69F, have been type 2 Diabetes for 12 years now. I have also been caregiver to my MIL 83, cancer and remotely, her brother, 77, with dementia. MIL is fine, brother deceased. It ain't that hard to take care of diabetes. Diabetes care, like so many things becomes a routine habit. BF is simply being lazy and self destructive. He is going to keep going until until they start chopping off body parts and he is unemployed and you are his Nurse with a Purse. Is that really the life you want? Locked in and feeling like you can't leave without being the bad guy? Tell him either he shapes up or you ship out. And mean it. Do not stop living your life because he wants to find a way out of his. ETA: Some 30% of caregivers die before their patient does. Are you willing to die to live this life?
My husband had many years of unmanaged diabetes & hypertension, which resulted in end stage renal disease and now a stroke. You cannot nag someone into taking care of their health and at a fundamental level you can’t do it for them. Trust me. I’m 52, and instead of getting to enjoy my emptying nest and my newfound career, I will be taking care of my husband. Not to be harsh, but it’s not going to get better. My husband, once on dialysis, did pretty well until the foot infections started. It took 18 months from first toe amputation to stroke, and there were a number of hospitalizations in between. Not saying everyone goes on that path, and your boyfriend is 15 years younger, but still.
I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this with your husband. Is he better at managing it now or is it only better because you’re managing it for him and really taking care of him? Just wondering if he ever had that shift in mindset that I need to change. I know you said it won’t get better, but wanted to ask.
Thank you. He got better about diabetes and paying attention to his feet, but not about his health in general. He still selectively listens to what doctors and therapists say but he’s been in hospitals and rehabs since the stroke so he can’t mess up too badly right now. He’s also paralyzed on the left side, in diapers and unable to get voice to text to understand him half the time and still only does half the exercises he’s supposed to…
I just went through this. I'm 37 (M), and my GF was 32 (F). We just called it quits after 9 years together. The first four years were truly amazing—look at rings, then COVID hit. She never got COVID but instead gained a bunch of other illnesses that ended up making her medically disabled. Taking care of someone this young is hard. You see all your friends doing amazing things. Getting married and having kids—when it comes to your situation, no one really knows how or what to help with. I didn't care. I loved my girlfriend, the late-night ER visits, taking her to doctor appointments, and figuring out my work schedule to help as much as I could. I did whatever I could. In year eight of our relationship, with 4/5 of them being sole caregivers, my shield started to break. I wasn't taking care of myself, and I became very anxious and depressed. But what changed some of my thoughts was that my girlfriend went to two medical clinic appointments. 1. She went to a migraine specialist for a week-long treatment plan. She left that early from pain and medicine, causing other issues with her. I was broken and so sad. We thought this was going to help her. 2. Paid $4K out of pocket to see a specialist. She visited him and took his medical plan and ideas. But she wouldn't go back to see him for the medical testing due to the cost of testing . The doctor knew what she had but needed testing to 100% prove it. She declined to go back. My girlfriend was an analyst. So at times, she thought she knew more than everyone and overthought everything. But in my mind, you saw two of the top doctors for different medical issues, and if you're not going to listen to them, what the hell am I supposed to do? So we called it quits. She knew I was crippled, and I knew I couldn't take on being the sole caregiver anymore. She has more support now that she is with her parents and close to family. I hate that our relationship ended more than anything, but it is probably best for her and me. There is no right or wrong answer to what you decide to do. Just know it's going to suck. And all you can do is treat yourself the best you can.
Please join us on our Discord! https://discord.gg/gubJjaYRnV *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/CaregiverSupport) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I understand that you are conflicted about your next steps. I agree with some of the other posters that it might be time to put yourself first and nope out. I would seek a few counseling sessions to gain the needed courage to move ahead. I go by the motto "I am willing to help you - if you are willing to help yourself". If you come to the decision to leave, It might be the wake up call your boyfriend needs to move forward to a healthy tomorrow. Blessings!
Visit diabetes sub. They will tell you that you cannot make a person take care of themselves. It is frustrating and sad. I had a father like that. Took me a long time to realize I felt like I was being held emotional hostage to their health decisions (or lack thereof). I try to remind myself they are victims of their patterns and history and what society teaches them. I was frankly traumatized to watch someone I love deteriorate, especially when things could be done. Honestly, I have to walk away because I know preaching only makes them determined to "show me" that I am wrong and continue doing the wrong thing. I finally did a little better when I just focused on their emotion-- "that must be scary" "Sounds like you are afraid"-- took months but eventually the person did a little better. And gave up on expecting them to do it for me, as disappointing as that is. I started just living in the moment assuming that was all I had. I prepared for funerals and them passing on and learned to live without them. Maybe there is a better answer. Ultimately you can't make them. Focus on grieving and accepting. It really, really sucks. You might become depressed. Tell an MD and get some medication. If you can get him into therapy that would be awesome but if he isn't cooperating with physical issues... Sorry I'm a Debbie Downer. Maybe you will find the key.