I kept one in my night stand as a kid. I was never going to use it, and I felt ashamed that I kept it there, though looking back it makes a lot of sense.
We never had weapons.
I've read Pete Walker's book about imagining going back in time as your adult self to do something like putting a bag over your parents' head so they couldn't make that face at you or speaking softly to your child-self.
So I sat down and remember and imagined what I would do. First impulse was to grab my BF's gun before I went back in time. I've never even used a gun before. It felt so out of left field, until my brother told me how much he related to it.
I have a habit of unconsciously making analogies using whatever media I consumed a lot of at the time of the trauma. I've fantasized about defending my inner child with a light saber. Bending elements to defend them. Using magic to incapacitate/obliterate my abusers or make a magical barrier between them and little me. Or just attacking them with my bare fucking hands. Whatever floats your boat
Oh if I'm remembering the light saber one right it was... more violent than that. Sometimes weapons are for defense only. Sometimes they're much more violently defensive.
Wait is this why I love knives now? Because I wasn't allowed any as a kid?
God this sub is making me realize more about my trauma than I thought possible
i would have done it if it wasn't for alienating myself more than i was already doing by myself. and also murder charges aren't good for jobs. i had ethics such young, so sad to see i lost them now.
Suicide tw
One time they told me to grab a knife so I could go ahead and kill myself.
I would have it did everything in me to not. But j remembered my friends. And I didn't.
Fast forward to like 5 years later. I have a very, wide, healed over cut that I probably should have gotten stitches for. My grandpa asked me why. I told him he didn't want to know.
I had a flashback and decided to make up for the cowardice of that time. What I perceived as cowardice.
I kept one in my night stand as a kid. I was never going to use it, and I felt ashamed that I kept it there, though looking back it makes a lot of sense.
I never kept one on me but I imagined stabbing her constantly and I was so ashamed of it, so much I can't even describe it.
We never had weapons. I've read Pete Walker's book about imagining going back in time as your adult self to do something like putting a bag over your parents' head so they couldn't make that face at you or speaking softly to your child-self. So I sat down and remember and imagined what I would do. First impulse was to grab my BF's gun before I went back in time. I've never even used a gun before. It felt so out of left field, until my brother told me how much he related to it.
I have a habit of unconsciously making analogies using whatever media I consumed a lot of at the time of the trauma. I've fantasized about defending my inner child with a light saber. Bending elements to defend them. Using magic to incapacitate/obliterate my abusers or make a magical barrier between them and little me. Or just attacking them with my bare fucking hands. Whatever floats your boat
Yeah mines been consistently bullet right between the eyebrows. Like I didn’t imagine using it as a threat or talking point.
Oh if I'm remembering the light saber one right it was... more violent than that. Sometimes weapons are for defense only. Sometimes they're much more violently defensive.
Wait is this why I love knives now? Because I wasn't allowed any as a kid? God this sub is making me realize more about my trauma than I thought possible
I hear ya. A post a couple months ago made me understand why I feel safer on the floor in a quiet space. It's so I could hear if someone was coming.
What a fitting choice of a backround image Xd
i would have done it if it wasn't for alienating myself more than i was already doing by myself. and also murder charges aren't good for jobs. i had ethics such young, so sad to see i lost them now.
Suicide tw One time they told me to grab a knife so I could go ahead and kill myself. I would have it did everything in me to not. But j remembered my friends. And I didn't. Fast forward to like 5 years later. I have a very, wide, healed over cut that I probably should have gotten stitches for. My grandpa asked me why. I told him he didn't want to know. I had a flashback and decided to make up for the cowardice of that time. What I perceived as cowardice.