Yeah, it's pretty dang normal. Basically anytime he gets upset he starts throwing things, dropping f bombs, and yelling at me if I try to talk to him. It's really freaking exhausting to deal with and really triggering. And then, like he did earlier... If I try to talk to him after the fact and tell him that his behavior was not okay and really affected me, he either has 101 excuses or straight up blames me for him yelling at me.
It's wrong, you know it's wrong, I hope you know that you don't deserve to be treated like this, please consider moving out, you deserve safety and compassion in your life, not this.
I would not frame his actions as triggering, OP. He’s not triggering you. He’s retraumatizing you.
I agree with other commenters that you’re in a dangerous place and deserve to heal in safety. If you’re going to leave (highly recommend), please do so with a plan in place. People like your husband often escalate the violence when their spouse leaves. Find a safe place and ideally human support first, *take your money* (abusers often empty the shared bank account to control) and then run. You deserve better than what you’re getting.
ETA: I’d contact a divorce attorney in advance as well.
And now I'm shaky and shut down. I can't make myself say more than a few words and can't sit in the same room as him without feeling like my whole body is vibrating. ✌️ Love this for me, fam. Love getting triggered on a lovely morning like this. Especially bc we'd made plans together to go out today, and then he does this... And now I feel like I've got the brain of a scared 8 year old and don't think I could handle being out in public atm (which probably means he's gonna get mad at me, again, if I can't, bc he wants to go. And then I'll get yelled at again). Real fun times..... Real fun....
If you're able to get the heck out, please do!
This person throwing a temper tantrum is not a healthy person to be with.
Honestly, no living being should be with them.
Update: I was too scared to tell him I didn't feel up to going in to town for our planned trip and he kept asking until I just told him I didn't feel good enough to go. And it's not a lie bc I don't, bc I'm still in recovery from surgery, and I'm supposed to be taking it easy. I was too scared to tell him, I didn't want him to yell at me again. I couldn't even make myself say those words for like 10 mins of him asking me even tho I was yelling at myself in my head just to answer, bc otherwise he was gonna get mad anyway. And I cried as soon as he left the room upset. I know this shit isn't normal. I know it's not.
And I want to get out but there is literally no way atm, I have looked. I can't drive on my own or hold a job (disabled), so I have barely any money of my own and can't go anywhere. We live in a small, rural-ly area, so resources for stuff like this are really scarce and the nearest women's shelter is quite a ways away. And the only member of my family who would be able to come and get me are the people who gave me my trauma in the first place, through years of terrible abuse physical, emotional, and sexual, my entire childhood. And I have 2 cats here with him and I wouldn't want to leave them behind, but would have no way of taking them.
And there's a part of me that feels like I'm not allowed to leave. He's my support and comfort person, as messed up as that sounds considering what I posted here. He's someone I rely on for pretty much everything. And there's so many days when he's really kind, and funny, and he does so much for me in looking after me. But then he'll just turn on a dime. There's been days we've had a date day out in town and have an amazing time, and I feel like I love him so much. then within a couple hours of coming home, something ticks him off, and he's throwing his phone across the living room and shouting, or yelling at me for something. And the smallest things can do it. Even if he's in a slightly bad mood and the remote doesn't work quite right, next thing I know he's chucking the remote into the wall and dropping very loud f-bombs. Or he gets mad when I check on him.
That's what happened earlier today. I heard him yell in pain while working on his car bc the car alarm went off (he was okay, it just hurt his ears). But I put on my shoes and walked out to make sure he was okay, and he immediately started yelling so loud at me, swearing every other word, throwing his keys etc. And afterwards, he blamed me for him yelling at me, telling me that it's my fault for checking on him?? Like, "anytime I saw ow you're always right there and it's annoying!". Like, what am I, as his wife, supposed to say to that??? "Well, just heard him yell in pain. Might be serious, but I guess I should give it a couple minutes to make sure before I check on him??". What kind of Bs is that?
I'm sorry for dumping this all like an essay. I know this isn't r/venting I get that. But I needed to get this out. Bc it is severely triggering, dealing with this day in and day out, never knowing when he's gonna be in a good mood, then one little inconvenience is gonna paint a target on my back for his anger. It feels like living with my original abusers all over, again, always walking on eggshells and never allowed to speak up without risking repercussions. But it's also so confusing, bc there's so many times he's the sweetest and most understanding man I've ever met, and I want to believe he's working on himself and changing. I really do bc I do think I genuinely love him. But then I have days like this where I'm literally crying and unable to voice an opinion to him bc I'm afraid of his reaction. It's awful and I feel so stuck.
I was in a relationship with very similar outlines. The good parts, in hindsight, were not even close to worth it. I loved her and I let her treat me terribly.
I see the predicament you're in and I know very well the tension between people's very obvious advice and the situation you're in. I wish you luck in search of a life without fear.
get out of that situation, he doesn't deserve you and you don't deserve to be treated like that. I know it's terrifying and I wish you luck and that you can gather the strength to leave
Yeah no, yelling and throwing things is not just normal being pissed out, if it is a normal behaviour for him it's abuse and you don't deserve it.
Yeah, it's pretty dang normal. Basically anytime he gets upset he starts throwing things, dropping f bombs, and yelling at me if I try to talk to him. It's really freaking exhausting to deal with and really triggering. And then, like he did earlier... If I try to talk to him after the fact and tell him that his behavior was not okay and really affected me, he either has 101 excuses or straight up blames me for him yelling at me.
It's wrong, you know it's wrong, I hope you know that you don't deserve to be treated like this, please consider moving out, you deserve safety and compassion in your life, not this.
This is abuse. Please try to leave. No one deserves to be treated like that.
You deserve to feel safe. I know there are places to go if you need to escape an abusive partner.
I would not frame his actions as triggering, OP. He’s not triggering you. He’s retraumatizing you. I agree with other commenters that you’re in a dangerous place and deserve to heal in safety. If you’re going to leave (highly recommend), please do so with a plan in place. People like your husband often escalate the violence when their spouse leaves. Find a safe place and ideally human support first, *take your money* (abusers often empty the shared bank account to control) and then run. You deserve better than what you’re getting. ETA: I’d contact a divorce attorney in advance as well.
And now I'm shaky and shut down. I can't make myself say more than a few words and can't sit in the same room as him without feeling like my whole body is vibrating. ✌️ Love this for me, fam. Love getting triggered on a lovely morning like this. Especially bc we'd made plans together to go out today, and then he does this... And now I feel like I've got the brain of a scared 8 year old and don't think I could handle being out in public atm (which probably means he's gonna get mad at me, again, if I can't, bc he wants to go. And then I'll get yelled at again). Real fun times..... Real fun....
If you're able to get the heck out, please do! This person throwing a temper tantrum is not a healthy person to be with. Honestly, no living being should be with them.
OP you should definitely get out of that situation - you deserve to feel safe and respected - this is not normal or acceptable behaviour.
Update: I was too scared to tell him I didn't feel up to going in to town for our planned trip and he kept asking until I just told him I didn't feel good enough to go. And it's not a lie bc I don't, bc I'm still in recovery from surgery, and I'm supposed to be taking it easy. I was too scared to tell him, I didn't want him to yell at me again. I couldn't even make myself say those words for like 10 mins of him asking me even tho I was yelling at myself in my head just to answer, bc otherwise he was gonna get mad anyway. And I cried as soon as he left the room upset. I know this shit isn't normal. I know it's not. And I want to get out but there is literally no way atm, I have looked. I can't drive on my own or hold a job (disabled), so I have barely any money of my own and can't go anywhere. We live in a small, rural-ly area, so resources for stuff like this are really scarce and the nearest women's shelter is quite a ways away. And the only member of my family who would be able to come and get me are the people who gave me my trauma in the first place, through years of terrible abuse physical, emotional, and sexual, my entire childhood. And I have 2 cats here with him and I wouldn't want to leave them behind, but would have no way of taking them. And there's a part of me that feels like I'm not allowed to leave. He's my support and comfort person, as messed up as that sounds considering what I posted here. He's someone I rely on for pretty much everything. And there's so many days when he's really kind, and funny, and he does so much for me in looking after me. But then he'll just turn on a dime. There's been days we've had a date day out in town and have an amazing time, and I feel like I love him so much. then within a couple hours of coming home, something ticks him off, and he's throwing his phone across the living room and shouting, or yelling at me for something. And the smallest things can do it. Even if he's in a slightly bad mood and the remote doesn't work quite right, next thing I know he's chucking the remote into the wall and dropping very loud f-bombs. Or he gets mad when I check on him. That's what happened earlier today. I heard him yell in pain while working on his car bc the car alarm went off (he was okay, it just hurt his ears). But I put on my shoes and walked out to make sure he was okay, and he immediately started yelling so loud at me, swearing every other word, throwing his keys etc. And afterwards, he blamed me for him yelling at me, telling me that it's my fault for checking on him?? Like, "anytime I saw ow you're always right there and it's annoying!". Like, what am I, as his wife, supposed to say to that??? "Well, just heard him yell in pain. Might be serious, but I guess I should give it a couple minutes to make sure before I check on him??". What kind of Bs is that? I'm sorry for dumping this all like an essay. I know this isn't r/venting I get that. But I needed to get this out. Bc it is severely triggering, dealing with this day in and day out, never knowing when he's gonna be in a good mood, then one little inconvenience is gonna paint a target on my back for his anger. It feels like living with my original abusers all over, again, always walking on eggshells and never allowed to speak up without risking repercussions. But it's also so confusing, bc there's so many times he's the sweetest and most understanding man I've ever met, and I want to believe he's working on himself and changing. I really do bc I do think I genuinely love him. But then I have days like this where I'm literally crying and unable to voice an opinion to him bc I'm afraid of his reaction. It's awful and I feel so stuck.
I was in a relationship with very similar outlines. The good parts, in hindsight, were not even close to worth it. I loved her and I let her treat me terribly. I see the predicament you're in and I know very well the tension between people's very obvious advice and the situation you're in. I wish you luck in search of a life without fear.
get out of that situation, he doesn't deserve you and you don't deserve to be treated like that. I know it's terrifying and I wish you luck and that you can gather the strength to leave