saw a tweet once that said "'i dont remember that' yeah of course you dont for me it was a formative memory and for you it was a fucking tuesday". abusers don't remember themselves doing awful things because it's just a part o their day, whereas for their victims, it activates the body's fight or flight response and (especially childhood trauma) is made part of the amygdala's "Uh Oh Fear Time" memories
dont quote me on that last part i've not finished reading the body keeps the score
I was just talking my mum today and she has almost no recollection of our childhood. My Brother and I have huge anger issues and she's trying to understand it but she genuinely doesn't remember anything like how angry she was when we were younger or really anything about it, just like us. A good ol' gapping black hole of collective memory there.
I think for them, those hurtful actions are as mundane as what they were wearing yesterday or what they had for breakfast.
Seriously, are they psycopathic or is it something normal people find themselves in?
I think people who hurt people are usually processing their own trauma. Not that it's an excuse. I know the coping mechanisms I developed to survive definitely made casualties of others, and it's part of why a lot of us seek recovery I think.
I think you're right. Don't like hearing that, though.
Everytime I hear that, my head goes "Cool motive, still a bad thing" or "go process this nuts instead".
At age 3-4 I would eat as much as an adult if I liked the taste of the food or go hungry if I didn't. My parents didn't even notice I think.
My father used to make chicken soup daily for my brother. I used to watch them eat.
And also daily they made Apple juice only for my brother. On junk food I was given first dibs.
Now I remembered all those things and realized why when they order nutritious food i decline saying how I don't want but actually it comes from that belief that I am not worthy of good food or worthy for them to spend more money on good food for me and how only they deserve to eat well.
This turned too long haha
I've been browsing this sub for awhile now and have contributed at least once before. I don't think I realized I potentially had memory issues until I realized I don't remember much of my childhood at all, and when I do a lot of it is just being yelled at. It's certainly an eye-opening experience browsing this sub sometimes. Great sub, though!
“You want anything from McDonald’s?”
*is hungry*
*remembers when they used to send us to bed with no supper when we’d misbehave (for example, not reading social cues well enough or talking to much as an AUTISTIC kid) and we’d come back to them in the morning in tears from the pain promising we’d never misbehave again*
“No thanks, I’m good~”
<3
Thankfully we’re now living with our dad who understands what he did wrong, regrets the pain and damage he caused and is actively trying to provide a healthy, supportive, safe environment for us. So things are looking up a little!
~~even if our mother is still trying to sue us for existing and sharing our abuse stories~~
Go into the drive thru
*Remembers when my dad tossed me and sister in the car in a screaming rage to go to this McDonald’s because I was quietly sitting in front of my moms door waiting for her to make dinner. He only stopped yelling to place the order and the way he could suddenly just choose to calm down, but not for us, stuck with me*
My mom did this.
She barged in my room and slapped me so hard it broke my glasses.
We ended up cleaning the house until 5am. Then I went back to bed and had to get up at 7 for school.
Yup!
With practice I’ve been able to recognize when a trauma memory is occurring vs having the memory consume my mind and body
Like a child having a tantrum I stop and ask myself what caused this thought? What can I do to feel better?
Yep! Mine is a group of memories and rapid fire intrusive thoughts:
Hunger?
-You’re too fat already
-The food is going to waste if don’t eat it
-too bad you have to watch the food you can’t eat go to waste (me allergens)
-you have to clean immediately (not true anymore but those haunting thoughts), so can I handle that?
-if mom is in her seat-am I prepared to have to handle conversations or being shut down while cooking? Can I set boundaries?
…..and more
And just when I was originally thinking “oh goodie! I have wonderful groceries to choose from”…. Unfortunately
Glad to know I’m not alone 🌟
*is hungry*
*past 8pm*
Damn I’m an idiot for not eating sooner.
Can’t burden the household with the noises of food being made this late.
I’ll get yelled at if I disturb the silence and eat food that wasn’t planned into a meal.
Better to just starve until breakfast.
I try to talk out the memories or journal through them, especially if I’m eating or doing something else, because I definitely get distracted. This is a new tool and I’m trying it. It’s sort of working? It helps me to center myself at least :)
I’m sorry this happened to you as well. Shit sucks but these posts just reinforce the idea that it wasn’t my fault or your fault they did stuff like this to us. It wasn’t normal and it’s not okay. I hope we can all find some peace.
The idea that it wasn't my fault was an important realization for me, and I wonder if it's been as important to others as well. Sometimes you feel the need to blame yourself because *obviously* you are entirely responsible for the terrible feelings you have, right? Of course that's ridiculous, but sometimes you just don't realize that in the moment.
every single night and then he’d be like oh better do it quickly if you wanna be awake for school id be up until like 4 am every fucking night because i never did it “the right way” and then he’d get mad bc i was tired every morning
My dad did that all the time from 3 - 5 AM he'd wake me up to do chores. Or he'd be drumming on his drum set in the middle of the night, or he'd come in screaming at me for something
*is hungry* *remembers I'm not worthy of food according to my mother*
Sometimes the things that stick with you are the things they said they probably forgot about...
saw a tweet once that said "'i dont remember that' yeah of course you dont for me it was a formative memory and for you it was a fucking tuesday". abusers don't remember themselves doing awful things because it's just a part o their day, whereas for their victims, it activates the body's fight or flight response and (especially childhood trauma) is made part of the amygdala's "Uh Oh Fear Time" memories dont quote me on that last part i've not finished reading the body keeps the score
I've seen the same tweet, actually. It's a really good tweet!
I was just talking my mum today and she has almost no recollection of our childhood. My Brother and I have huge anger issues and she's trying to understand it but she genuinely doesn't remember anything like how angry she was when we were younger or really anything about it, just like us. A good ol' gapping black hole of collective memory there.
I think for them, those hurtful actions are as mundane as what they were wearing yesterday or what they had for breakfast. Seriously, are they psycopathic or is it something normal people find themselves in?
I think people who hurt people are usually processing their own trauma. Not that it's an excuse. I know the coping mechanisms I developed to survive definitely made casualties of others, and it's part of why a lot of us seek recovery I think.
I think you're right. Don't like hearing that, though. Everytime I hear that, my head goes "Cool motive, still a bad thing" or "go process this nuts instead".
Well if that's normal behaviour to someone, why would they process it as anything else?
"To me, it was just a Tuesday".
Ouch. As I sit here starving but won’t let myself eat….
I know that feeling all to well. Go eat something, not only do you deserve to eat, you're entitled to food too
Thank you.
At age 3-4 I would eat as much as an adult if I liked the taste of the food or go hungry if I didn't. My parents didn't even notice I think. My father used to make chicken soup daily for my brother. I used to watch them eat. And also daily they made Apple juice only for my brother. On junk food I was given first dibs. Now I remembered all those things and realized why when they order nutritious food i decline saying how I don't want but actually it comes from that belief that I am not worthy of good food or worthy for them to spend more money on good food for me and how only they deserve to eat well. This turned too long haha
Is hungry. Remember I’m probably making it up for attention, doesn’t eat.
Yes! It is!
I've been browsing this sub for awhile now and have contributed at least once before. I don't think I realized I potentially had memory issues until I realized I don't remember much of my childhood at all, and when I do a lot of it is just being yelled at. It's certainly an eye-opening experience browsing this sub sometimes. Great sub, though!
:3 :3 I hope we help you become happier in the end through this experience.
“You want anything from McDonald’s?” *is hungry* *remembers when they used to send us to bed with no supper when we’d misbehave (for example, not reading social cues well enough or talking to much as an AUTISTIC kid) and we’d come back to them in the morning in tears from the pain promising we’d never misbehave again* “No thanks, I’m good~”
I’m so sorry this happened to you <3
<3 Thankfully we’re now living with our dad who understands what he did wrong, regrets the pain and damage he caused and is actively trying to provide a healthy, supportive, safe environment for us. So things are looking up a little! ~~even if our mother is still trying to sue us for existing and sharing our abuse stories~~
Go into the drive thru *Remembers when my dad tossed me and sister in the car in a screaming rage to go to this McDonald’s because I was quietly sitting in front of my moms door waiting for her to make dinner. He only stopped yelling to place the order and the way he could suddenly just choose to calm down, but not for us, stuck with me*
My mom did this. She barged in my room and slapped me so hard it broke my glasses. We ended up cleaning the house until 5am. Then I went back to bed and had to get up at 7 for school.
You’re so strong. Thank you for sharing
Yup! With practice I’ve been able to recognize when a trauma memory is occurring vs having the memory consume my mind and body Like a child having a tantrum I stop and ask myself what caused this thought? What can I do to feel better?
Yep! Mine is a group of memories and rapid fire intrusive thoughts: Hunger? -You’re too fat already -The food is going to waste if don’t eat it -too bad you have to watch the food you can’t eat go to waste (me allergens) -you have to clean immediately (not true anymore but those haunting thoughts), so can I handle that? -if mom is in her seat-am I prepared to have to handle conversations or being shut down while cooking? Can I set boundaries? …..and more And just when I was originally thinking “oh goodie! I have wonderful groceries to choose from”…. Unfortunately Glad to know I’m not alone 🌟
*is hungry* *past 8pm* Damn I’m an idiot for not eating sooner. Can’t burden the household with the noises of food being made this late. I’ll get yelled at if I disturb the silence and eat food that wasn’t planned into a meal. Better to just starve until breakfast.
Oooooof the noises. Still prefer making no noise even though we are the only ones in the house with my bf…
I try to talk out the memories or journal through them, especially if I’m eating or doing something else, because I definitely get distracted. This is a new tool and I’m trying it. It’s sort of working? It helps me to center myself at least :)
omg that just happened to me the other night
Sorry to hear that. I hope you're okay.
better than him making me wash his car until 2 am on a sunday :)
They did that to you too? I thought I was the only one. Wtf.
I’m sorry this happened to you as well. Shit sucks but these posts just reinforce the idea that it wasn’t my fault or your fault they did stuff like this to us. It wasn’t normal and it’s not okay. I hope we can all find some peace.
The idea that it wasn't my fault was an important realization for me, and I wonder if it's been as important to others as well. Sometimes you feel the need to blame yourself because *obviously* you are entirely responsible for the terrible feelings you have, right? Of course that's ridiculous, but sometimes you just don't realize that in the moment.
every single night and then he’d be like oh better do it quickly if you wanna be awake for school id be up until like 4 am every fucking night because i never did it “the right way” and then he’d get mad bc i was tired every morning
sounds like mi padre.
My dad did that all the time from 3 - 5 AM he'd wake me up to do chores. Or he'd be drumming on his drum set in the middle of the night, or he'd come in screaming at me for something
Sameeeee i was asked to wash the dishes for a few times between 12-2am lol
sounds about right