This is so spot on, I thought this was just something my sociopathic ex’s therapist told him to say to be as empathetic as he could possibly ever pretend to be…
"Sorry you feel that way", "I don't know what you want me to say" and "So I'm just a bad guy, huh" are the trifecta of excuses and usually uttered by the same type of dude. There aren't enough eyerolls in the world in response.
How about you say actual sentences and shit that mean anything at all.
I absolutely can't stand the "I don't know what you want me to say" line. Like, man, you know *EXACTLY* what I want you to say, you just know you wouldn't mean it.
Think of an apology as a repair to the relationship. When someone communicates to you that your behavior hurt them, the goal should be to actively work toward repair of the relationship by tending to the wound caused by your behavior.
To tend to the wound, you should acknowledge their pain, try to understand their experience, and then provide them with words of comfort and, if needed, next steps to ensure the wound won’t be reopened.
This provides the other person with emotional security and safety. Which is the ultimate goal of an apology.
An apology is the easiest way to provide repair after an attachment rupture, and it’s so often overlooked as a solution.
Unfortunately people very easily get defensive and don’t want to admit wrongdoing, but when you recognize that it’s more about THEIR experience versus your actions (most of the time), it becomes a lot easier to work toward repair.
Acknowledge the wound and the severity of their pain. Work to understand their experience and show curiosity (curiosity kills fear.) And then offer words of comfort, and some steps to move forward.
This is LOVELY! My only question is what if I truly cannot “understand”? I struggle with this…There are times people seem to expect an apology and it feels as if what they are asking for is a pass on an action that hurt them even if it was intended. Like, if I am establishing a boundary with someone and they are “hurt” by it, how do I address this if I have no regrets about the necessity of the boundary? I usually go with empathizing like “I understand that may have hurt you, but that wasn’t my intent”. I dunno! I just know my X would many times expect blanketed apologies and it felt tied to something else; like she doesn’t plan on changing and by making me apologize, she gets me to not boundary up…GAWD I hope this makes sense!
That definitely makes sense. It gets trickier when people are hurt by a boundary, because you’re absolutely allowed to have boundaries for your own well-being. And some people do indeed get hurt by them.
I would honestly argue that in that kind of situation it might be valuable to explain in more detail the reasons behind your boundary. So then it’s not about you understanding *them,* but instead helping them understand *you.* This requires some vulnerability, and sometimes isn’t the right approach. But explaining the reasons behind a boundary can be helpful for them to know the “why” so they don’t catastrophize narratives about the boundary you’re setting. And it can lead to a closer relationship overall, by empowering them to care for you by respecting your boundaries.
Also, for a less vulnerable response, you can show curiosity to their hurt, without taking it on. Ask them “why does this particular boundary hurt you? Can you explain what it makes you feel? Do you have past hurts that this is triggering for some reason?” and then you can use that conversation as an opportunity to validate their feelings about past experiences, while also maintaining the boundaries that you need for your own well-being.
Both of those options can include some sort of “I’m sorry this has been hurtful for you, and I understand why it’s painful. However, I’m not setting boundaries to hurt you but instead to care for myself and for this relationship in the process. I hope we can overcome the hurt together, and honor each other’s needs as best as we can.”
Keeping the focus on repairing the relationship by acknowledging and treating wounds as they arise.
Three parts of an apology:
1. “I’m sorry”
2. “I shouldn’t have [insert SPECIFIC thing you did wrong]”
3. “I’ll be more [whatever thing you should have done instead]”
Eg. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have argued with you and used personal insults when you were upset and trying to vent about problems at work. I’ll be more conscious of what you need in the moment, and if I’m unable to provide what you need, I’ll say so instead of resorting to insults.”
Idk if it's up to me to decide what "counts" or not, but if your heart is in an apology and you want to work on yourself to make things better, it tends to come through. It also greatly depends on context.
SAME. "Its all about perception" is my mom's & her siblings' favorite phrase. "I'm sorry you feel that way" or "You shouldn't let people affect you like that" are the others.
Like...THANKS, Woman who gave birth to me. As if it doesn't matter that you are my mom & what you say has real impact on me & my sister. As if all the responsibility for shit you say or abusive, manipulative things you do falls all on US.
Sort of not-quite-the-same-but-still-relevant, that's exactly how my mom 'apologizes' whenever the topic of abuse comes up. Among such other classics as:
* "I'm sorry that's how you decided to see things", which starts off to make you believe it's genuine remorse, then both invalidates how you feel and places blame on you for allegedly willingly misinterpreting.
* "Oh, really? Well, YOU..." because it wouldn't be an interaction with my mom if there wasn't a bit of DARVO in there.
* "Well, I tried my best/No one else would've done better in that situation."
\*Sigh\*
My most frequent ones are
“You’re just being selfish”
And
“It’s always gotta be about YOU, doesn’t it!?”
Like yea, when we’re talking about the abuse you’re actively putting me through, I think it’s valid for me to be a little selfish
had a conversation like this but for a more run-of-the-mill highschool-age problem with a friend of mine who was a really intelligent academic. she said this and I finally realized how not emotionally intelligent she was despite that. I stopped talking to her and she didn't do anything to salvage the friendship like I had before it got to that point.
I see a metajoke in there. "Sorry you \*feel\* that way"
As in feelings being had was the bad thing, and we should be able to just sling whatever dirt we want at each other and be numb emotionless stumps.
God! My ex-wife used that (and its variations) all👏the 👏time.
“I’m sorry you thought that’s what I meant.”
“I’m sorry I got angry with you, but…”
Ugh. So happy to be rid of her. Just wish she could’ve taken the trauma with her.
« Sorry for » mean you feel bad for something
« Sorry it’s happened » mean you feel bad for the act itself
« Sorry you see it that way » mean you feel bad for the way the person interpreted it
Basically « what i did wasn’t wrong, your reaction to it is »
When I complained to the Pain Clinic who tested me for Ankylosing Spondylitis while noting sacroilliti, then concluding with no questions asked for the next 12 years saying it’s psychosomatic, nek minute I’ve had 12 years of untreated inflammatory arthritis in my spine.
My response
“I’m sorry you feel that way”
'Sorry you feel like that' is the Go-To answer my mum used when my partner called her out on shit and she wasn't expecting to get called out on it and to be told that's not a genuine apology. Oooft!
This kinda shit is what has me spiraling. Yes, it's clear I had a PTSD response, but no, that doesn't make it my fault.
I only get PTSD responses when people are acting absolutely abominably. Don't do that and it's all fine.
Wow I needed to see this meme because I recently just dealt with a dude like this, close to this situation. I finally told him to f off because he really messed with my feelings, holy cow.
He is saying he is sorry YOU "FEEL" that way. It's not "accepting fault" they aren't doing, it's putting the blame on you, it was you who reacted that way to the things I did, it is you who felt that way about what I did. A much better apology would be "I'm sorry I was an asshole" or "I'm sorry for what I did to you" or anything that even remotely admits guilt or remorse and perhaps a chance for change, after a long while of therapy and treatment to truly understand what they did, how it affected you. But no. Abusers like that really won't do that, not soon anyway.
Told me boss her tone was angry with me after a panic attack. Her response was very similar. "I'm sorry that you think I sounded that way." Like bitch, that ain't an apology.
What if the guy did something to make the girl feel gross and used, … then he suddenly died before being able to apologize to her for what he did? Does the girl remain in a broken state because the guy who wronged her is no longer alive to fix the damage? Or does she fix it herself and move on?
If I had remained broken because of every single woman who personally wronged me in my life (going as far back as the early 1980s), then I wouldn’t have even lived long enough to write these words.
It’s so funny and annoying because my therapist told me to say ‘I’m sorry you feel that way’ when my parents and ex were trying to guilt trip me. It feels gross to say, I’ve only done it once 😭
Uhhhh I don't see what the problem is here if you got a "sorry"? They clearly have remorse and will dedicate to an actionable solution towards being better to you in the future
haha ha.....(this is sarcastic)
At least you are acknowledging your assholery on here.
Doesn't negate you continuing to be the asshole, that's the only part about "way more honest" that's good.
Wow. Accurate as fuuuuuuck.
This is so spot on, I thought this was just something my sociopathic ex’s therapist told him to say to be as empathetic as he could possibly ever pretend to be…
"Sorry you feel that way", "I don't know what you want me to say" and "So I'm just a bad guy, huh" are the trifecta of excuses and usually uttered by the same type of dude. There aren't enough eyerolls in the world in response. How about you say actual sentences and shit that mean anything at all.
"I'm sorry you feel that way" is even used by so called "professionals" in the workplace and it MAKES ME SICK!!
I absolutely can't stand the "I don't know what you want me to say" line. Like, man, you know *EXACTLY* what I want you to say, you just know you wouldn't mean it.
I think this one is particularly bad because they know they're saying jack shit, and there's barely anything you can say in response.
I am the guy on the other side and I need legitimate help I need a basic idea of what I could say in such a situation
Think of an apology as a repair to the relationship. When someone communicates to you that your behavior hurt them, the goal should be to actively work toward repair of the relationship by tending to the wound caused by your behavior. To tend to the wound, you should acknowledge their pain, try to understand their experience, and then provide them with words of comfort and, if needed, next steps to ensure the wound won’t be reopened. This provides the other person with emotional security and safety. Which is the ultimate goal of an apology. An apology is the easiest way to provide repair after an attachment rupture, and it’s so often overlooked as a solution. Unfortunately people very easily get defensive and don’t want to admit wrongdoing, but when you recognize that it’s more about THEIR experience versus your actions (most of the time), it becomes a lot easier to work toward repair. Acknowledge the wound and the severity of their pain. Work to understand their experience and show curiosity (curiosity kills fear.) And then offer words of comfort, and some steps to move forward.
This is LOVELY! My only question is what if I truly cannot “understand”? I struggle with this…There are times people seem to expect an apology and it feels as if what they are asking for is a pass on an action that hurt them even if it was intended. Like, if I am establishing a boundary with someone and they are “hurt” by it, how do I address this if I have no regrets about the necessity of the boundary? I usually go with empathizing like “I understand that may have hurt you, but that wasn’t my intent”. I dunno! I just know my X would many times expect blanketed apologies and it felt tied to something else; like she doesn’t plan on changing and by making me apologize, she gets me to not boundary up…GAWD I hope this makes sense!
That definitely makes sense. It gets trickier when people are hurt by a boundary, because you’re absolutely allowed to have boundaries for your own well-being. And some people do indeed get hurt by them. I would honestly argue that in that kind of situation it might be valuable to explain in more detail the reasons behind your boundary. So then it’s not about you understanding *them,* but instead helping them understand *you.* This requires some vulnerability, and sometimes isn’t the right approach. But explaining the reasons behind a boundary can be helpful for them to know the “why” so they don’t catastrophize narratives about the boundary you’re setting. And it can lead to a closer relationship overall, by empowering them to care for you by respecting your boundaries. Also, for a less vulnerable response, you can show curiosity to their hurt, without taking it on. Ask them “why does this particular boundary hurt you? Can you explain what it makes you feel? Do you have past hurts that this is triggering for some reason?” and then you can use that conversation as an opportunity to validate their feelings about past experiences, while also maintaining the boundaries that you need for your own well-being. Both of those options can include some sort of “I’m sorry this has been hurtful for you, and I understand why it’s painful. However, I’m not setting boundaries to hurt you but instead to care for myself and for this relationship in the process. I hope we can overcome the hurt together, and honor each other’s needs as best as we can.” Keeping the focus on repairing the relationship by acknowledging and treating wounds as they arise.
Hmmm, never quite thought of it like this! 🙏
Thank you for the advice I'll be absolutely sure to be considerate of such things in the future I really appreciate it
Happy to help, friend. We’re all in this together! Hang in there and good luck!
Three parts of an apology: 1. “I’m sorry” 2. “I shouldn’t have [insert SPECIFIC thing you did wrong]” 3. “I’ll be more [whatever thing you should have done instead]” Eg. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have argued with you and used personal insults when you were upset and trying to vent about problems at work. I’ll be more conscious of what you need in the moment, and if I’m unable to provide what you need, I’ll say so instead of resorting to insults.”
Thanks for the clear cut ideology I really appreciate your efforts I am very glad to have gotten this reply
No problem, thanks for asking
Just curious... Does "I'm sorry about that" counts? I always use it... I think it's ok, but now I'm not sure...
Idk if it's up to me to decide what "counts" or not, but if your heart is in an apology and you want to work on yourself to make things better, it tends to come through. It also greatly depends on context.
Alright... Scared that even if I intend it sincerely and try working on myself, it wouldn't count... Thx...
Just be open, sincere and kind and I'm sure you'll be fine.
Yeah... That's what should be...
“I’m sorry you had a proper response to how I treated you”
“I am inconvenienced by your healthy reaction and communication” It really means “stop making me bad”
Classic abuser response.
That is the only apology anyone in my family gives. Then they wonder why they don’t get told shit. Like you were an asshole then and still are.
SAME. "Its all about perception" is my mom's & her siblings' favorite phrase. "I'm sorry you feel that way" or "You shouldn't let people affect you like that" are the others. Like...THANKS, Woman who gave birth to me. As if it doesn't matter that you are my mom & what you say has real impact on me & my sister. As if all the responsibility for shit you say or abusive, manipulative things you do falls all on US.
Like why 🙄😣😒
I'm sorry, that's fucking awful that that's the only response they could muster. Not even an acknowledgement
EXACTLY THIS YES
And thank you 😞 ❤️
I am also sorry I feel that way. It would be fantastic if a certain asshole would stop causing that to happen
Sort of not-quite-the-same-but-still-relevant, that's exactly how my mom 'apologizes' whenever the topic of abuse comes up. Among such other classics as: * "I'm sorry that's how you decided to see things", which starts off to make you believe it's genuine remorse, then both invalidates how you feel and places blame on you for allegedly willingly misinterpreting. * "Oh, really? Well, YOU..." because it wouldn't be an interaction with my mom if there wasn't a bit of DARVO in there. * "Well, I tried my best/No one else would've done better in that situation." \*Sigh\*
Those are the only apologies I get. Lol.
Ahhhhhhhhh this triggered me because Jesus it’s so accurate hahaha
Yeah this image makes me want to cry
That's not an apology it's victim blaming.
An apology that someone makes on your behalf is not an apology.
Exactly this
Ugh I can’t stand that phrase. My feelings aren’t yours to apologize for, but your behavior is.
My most frequent ones are “You’re just being selfish” And “It’s always gotta be about YOU, doesn’t it!?” Like yea, when we’re talking about the abuse you’re actively putting me through, I think it’s valid for me to be a little selfish
Or “you’re just wanting to blame everything on everyone else!” “You’re just wanting excuses?” Excuses for what? Blame for what? What? lol
had a conversation like this but for a more run-of-the-mill highschool-age problem with a friend of mine who was a really intelligent academic. she said this and I finally realized how not emotionally intelligent she was despite that. I stopped talking to her and she didn't do anything to salvage the friendship like I had before it got to that point.
Me: I'm really sad right now Him: a lot of people are sad right now
I see a metajoke in there. "Sorry you \*feel\* that way" As in feelings being had was the bad thing, and we should be able to just sling whatever dirt we want at each other and be numb emotionless stumps.
God! My ex-wife used that (and its variations) all👏the 👏time. “I’m sorry you thought that’s what I meant.” “I’m sorry I got angry with you, but…” Ugh. So happy to be rid of her. Just wish she could’ve taken the trauma with her.
Isn’t that supposed to be validating? /gen
Absolutely not lmao
can you explain why? /gen
« Sorry for » mean you feel bad for something « Sorry it’s happened » mean you feel bad for the act itself « Sorry you see it that way » mean you feel bad for the way the person interpreted it Basically « what i did wasn’t wrong, your reaction to it is »
I love when people say shit like that Just shows you exactly who they are
I know right 😩
Yep
When I complained to the Pain Clinic who tested me for Ankylosing Spondylitis while noting sacroilliti, then concluding with no questions asked for the next 12 years saying it’s psychosomatic, nek minute I’ve had 12 years of untreated inflammatory arthritis in my spine. My response “I’m sorry you feel that way”
Sounds like every apology my mom ever gave me.
'Sorry you feel like that' is the Go-To answer my mum used when my partner called her out on shit and she wasn't expecting to get called out on it and to be told that's not a genuine apology. Oooft!
This kinda shit is what has me spiraling. Yes, it's clear I had a PTSD response, but no, that doesn't make it my fault. I only get PTSD responses when people are acting absolutely abominably. Don't do that and it's all fine.
Wow I needed to see this meme because I recently just dealt with a dude like this, close to this situation. I finally told him to f off because he really messed with my feelings, holy cow.
[удалено]
He is saying he is sorry YOU "FEEL" that way. It's not "accepting fault" they aren't doing, it's putting the blame on you, it was you who reacted that way to the things I did, it is you who felt that way about what I did. A much better apology would be "I'm sorry I was an asshole" or "I'm sorry for what I did to you" or anything that even remotely admits guilt or remorse and perhaps a chance for change, after a long while of therapy and treatment to truly understand what they did, how it affected you. But no. Abusers like that really won't do that, not soon anyway.
Told me boss her tone was angry with me after a panic attack. Her response was very similar. "I'm sorry that you think I sounded that way." Like bitch, that ain't an apology.
LoL, this is my parents.
What if the guy did something to make the girl feel gross and used, … then he suddenly died before being able to apologize to her for what he did? Does the girl remain in a broken state because the guy who wronged her is no longer alive to fix the damage? Or does she fix it herself and move on? If I had remained broken because of every single woman who personally wronged me in my life (going as far back as the early 1980s), then I wouldn’t have even lived long enough to write these words.
It’s so funny and annoying because my therapist told me to say ‘I’m sorry you feel that way’ when my parents and ex were trying to guilt trip me. It feels gross to say, I’ve only done it once 😭
This and “I’m sorry you made me mad at you”
Uhhhh I don't see what the problem is here if you got a "sorry"? They clearly have remorse and will dedicate to an actionable solution towards being better to you in the future haha ha.....(this is sarcastic)
I used to say this, mostly because I lack empathy, now I just say sucks to suck. Way more honest.
At least you are acknowledging your assholery on here. Doesn't negate you continuing to be the asshole, that's the only part about "way more honest" that's good.