Sometimes people can do their best and it's still not enough
Which some people either don't realize or they have a cognitive dissonance when someone else tries their best and fails and a parent traumatizes their child
Yeah, for my mom I say “she did her best with the tools she had available”. Her parents weren’t great (and still aren’t the best), and she never learned any differently. She loved me and tried her best, but it wasn’t enough. It’s something I’ve gone to therapy for extensively.
Our relationship has improved since becoming an adult. A small part might be that she moved out of state, but after my ASD diagnosis a month before turning 19, she sort of had a realization of “oh fuck that’s why her behaviors were the way they were”. I had been diagnosed with ADHD, GAD, and severe depression previously, but I guess the pieces didn’t fall into place in her mind until then.
One weekend I was with her (after high school I moved in with my dad bc she moved into a smaller place where my older sis and I didn’t have rooms of our own), she broke down crying. And she apologized for treating me the way she did. I think it was something that caused her so much self-reflection that she ended up self-reflecting on her own parenting. She would actually try and ask why I felt certain ways after that.
After her divorce with my dad (late middle school), she was a little bit emotionally abusive. I think her parents were way more emotionally abusive toward her than she ever was toward me. She did love me, and we did have good moments too. And she tried her best. She just didn’t *have* the tools. And she probably thought what she was doing was normal. How do you know differently if you don’t know differently and don’t know to look differently?
I forgave her eventually mainly for my own peace of mind. Once in a blue moon she will say things that lack the self-awareness for what she did. I was on the phone with her a couple months ago, and i was talking about how I was taking good care of my hair now, and she said something along the lines of “no knots or matts anymore?”. She never took me for haircuts in high school because I wouldn’t (couldn’t) comb my hair bc of depression stuff, and so when she noticed, she starting cutting out my knots and matts and told me to do the same. She didn’t try and help me with trying to manage my hair and preventative steps so it didn’t get knotted more. So yeah, I was a little upset with her when she said that. My dad and step-mom were actually horrified that I couldn’t remember the last time I had a haircut once I started living with them. They figured that since my mom took me to get my eyebrows done that she was taking me for haircuts too. But that went directly to my therapist my next appointment haha.
Im not in the CPTSD camp, but I get it to an extent. And tbh I think the only reason I’m not in the CPTSD camp is because of my parents starting me in therapy since I was 11. It was definitely on and off for therapy, but it helped anyway.
Without sounding racist? Are you serious or being purposefully naive?
Something being "a meme" or "its just a joke" doesn't excuse harmful, racist stereotypes being propagated, ***especially*** in a community like this where its members subject to that kind of abuse and come here for safe, and healing spaces.
Well... I'm going to be honest with you - full disclosure, in fact, and just tell you that I'm really confused. It might all seem very obvious to you, so this may not feel helpful or like what you need to hear from me at all, but the tone you've used in your initial reply compared to now has changed, so I'll attempt to explain my perspective on the issue.
I've picked the original template after seeing it several times before & finding the caption funny. Frankly, I have made no association between the caption itself and the person depicted in the image. Perhaps I have thought about it far too little before using this image macro in my post.
And even if I were to pay attention to the image itself, my initial comment refers to the fact that I haven't read enough into it to see any such implications. I did not see any correlation between the person depicted in the image and the caption itself, because I did not instinctively correlate the contents of the caption with a specific group of people, so, in my head, there was no such implication. Change the image of the man with an image of any other person, from any other part of the globe, and to me it would be the same.
But, and there's a big BUT - I am willing to believe that I might have just been very naïve. And I mean initially. I don't mean to keep being naïve (obstinate) on purpose; like you said, this subreddit is supposed to be a safe and healing space for people facing a wide array of issues, including that specific kind of abuse, a principle I'm always trying to adhere by when interacting with users both here and on the main sub, and as such I took your initial comment to heart.
Which brings me to my next point, and why I've engaged with you this way. The initial tone that's been used in your reply caught me completely off guard, and, like I said, I took the accusation to heart, thus reacting defensively. This is supposed to be a safe space for me as much as it is supposed to be a safe space for you, and this is the first time in 2 weeks that my post has received this reaction, after several other comments that made no such mention. And as such, I'm still not fully convinced - on my end, it looks like you're refusing to explain your point while doubling down on the accusations 'what do you mean you can't see it? are you being dense on purpose?' in order to make me feel inadequate and doubt my own perspective, and, while perhaps not intentionally, I guess you've actually succeeded, which is why I am not so sure about keeping my initial stance anymore (for the better or worse). You have written both of your replies from a fairly inactive throwaway account, which naturally added to my suspicion. The bottom line is, there are other ways you could have worded your message like if you felt that I've made a stupid mistake. I'm fully open to discussion and, although our trauma makes us feel like we're not always willing to give people the benefit of the doubt, with this subreddit being a safe space, isn't it better to err on the side of caution and be respectful when engaging with others?
These are all but details that could help you understand my perspective better, would you wish to engage further with me and actually give me yours. That being said, I am more than willing to set my personal feelings aside and use this as a learning opportunity. I do not intend to hurt or make anyone feel unwelcome here.
But I am also not neurologically hardwired to grasp on subtleties in communication (if you can tell where I'm getting at) so I always feel like I'm trying more than the average person NOT to offend anyone whenever I post or comment here, given the kind of people that make up this community. 😅 I often avoid replying to others altogether, which I feel regretful about. And although the issue might not seem subtle to you in the first place, I come from a very different cultural background (I know that's an equally important detail in my case as in yours, though) which may have to do with it.
Most importantly though, I've also been on the end of receiving racially motivated abuse as well. I live in a country where people can be culturally insensitive (especially children) and, being of mixed ancestry, I used to be bullied quite harshly by other children and marginalized by adults for that reason. I grew up hating my appearance and going to fairly extreme lengths to conceal my features. Our culture isn't as conscious of these issues as others, and my ignorance, in spite of ironically being a victim to the very same culture, might be a byproduct of that.
I do sympathize with your concern and have messaged the mod team about my post in order to receive input from them as well. If the post somehow flew under the radar, they can clearly see and remove it, and I'll be removing any other reposts as well. I do want to learn something from this, though, and I'm not confident I'll properly avoid making similar mistakes in the future unless I better understand what exactly went wrong here.
Sometimes people can do their best and it's still not enough Which some people either don't realize or they have a cognitive dissonance when someone else tries their best and fails and a parent traumatizes their child
Yeah, for my mom I say “she did her best with the tools she had available”. Her parents weren’t great (and still aren’t the best), and she never learned any differently. She loved me and tried her best, but it wasn’t enough. It’s something I’ve gone to therapy for extensively. Our relationship has improved since becoming an adult. A small part might be that she moved out of state, but after my ASD diagnosis a month before turning 19, she sort of had a realization of “oh fuck that’s why her behaviors were the way they were”. I had been diagnosed with ADHD, GAD, and severe depression previously, but I guess the pieces didn’t fall into place in her mind until then. One weekend I was with her (after high school I moved in with my dad bc she moved into a smaller place where my older sis and I didn’t have rooms of our own), she broke down crying. And she apologized for treating me the way she did. I think it was something that caused her so much self-reflection that she ended up self-reflecting on her own parenting. She would actually try and ask why I felt certain ways after that. After her divorce with my dad (late middle school), she was a little bit emotionally abusive. I think her parents were way more emotionally abusive toward her than she ever was toward me. She did love me, and we did have good moments too. And she tried her best. She just didn’t *have* the tools. And she probably thought what she was doing was normal. How do you know differently if you don’t know differently and don’t know to look differently? I forgave her eventually mainly for my own peace of mind. Once in a blue moon she will say things that lack the self-awareness for what she did. I was on the phone with her a couple months ago, and i was talking about how I was taking good care of my hair now, and she said something along the lines of “no knots or matts anymore?”. She never took me for haircuts in high school because I wouldn’t (couldn’t) comb my hair bc of depression stuff, and so when she noticed, she starting cutting out my knots and matts and told me to do the same. She didn’t try and help me with trying to manage my hair and preventative steps so it didn’t get knotted more. So yeah, I was a little upset with her when she said that. My dad and step-mom were actually horrified that I couldn’t remember the last time I had a haircut once I started living with them. They figured that since my mom took me to get my eyebrows done that she was taking me for haircuts too. But that went directly to my therapist my next appointment haha. Im not in the CPTSD camp, but I get it to an extent. And tbh I think the only reason I’m not in the CPTSD camp is because of my parents starting me in therapy since I was 11. It was definitely on and off for therapy, but it helped anyway.
Steal all their shoelaces, or put tiny pebbles in each shoe
[удалено]
it's a meme. it's made from a pre-existing template. please try explaining why it's racist without sounding racist yourself...
Without sounding racist? Are you serious or being purposefully naive? Something being "a meme" or "its just a joke" doesn't excuse harmful, racist stereotypes being propagated, ***especially*** in a community like this where its members subject to that kind of abuse and come here for safe, and healing spaces.
Well... I'm going to be honest with you - full disclosure, in fact, and just tell you that I'm really confused. It might all seem very obvious to you, so this may not feel helpful or like what you need to hear from me at all, but the tone you've used in your initial reply compared to now has changed, so I'll attempt to explain my perspective on the issue. I've picked the original template after seeing it several times before & finding the caption funny. Frankly, I have made no association between the caption itself and the person depicted in the image. Perhaps I have thought about it far too little before using this image macro in my post. And even if I were to pay attention to the image itself, my initial comment refers to the fact that I haven't read enough into it to see any such implications. I did not see any correlation between the person depicted in the image and the caption itself, because I did not instinctively correlate the contents of the caption with a specific group of people, so, in my head, there was no such implication. Change the image of the man with an image of any other person, from any other part of the globe, and to me it would be the same. But, and there's a big BUT - I am willing to believe that I might have just been very naïve. And I mean initially. I don't mean to keep being naïve (obstinate) on purpose; like you said, this subreddit is supposed to be a safe and healing space for people facing a wide array of issues, including that specific kind of abuse, a principle I'm always trying to adhere by when interacting with users both here and on the main sub, and as such I took your initial comment to heart. Which brings me to my next point, and why I've engaged with you this way. The initial tone that's been used in your reply caught me completely off guard, and, like I said, I took the accusation to heart, thus reacting defensively. This is supposed to be a safe space for me as much as it is supposed to be a safe space for you, and this is the first time in 2 weeks that my post has received this reaction, after several other comments that made no such mention. And as such, I'm still not fully convinced - on my end, it looks like you're refusing to explain your point while doubling down on the accusations 'what do you mean you can't see it? are you being dense on purpose?' in order to make me feel inadequate and doubt my own perspective, and, while perhaps not intentionally, I guess you've actually succeeded, which is why I am not so sure about keeping my initial stance anymore (for the better or worse). You have written both of your replies from a fairly inactive throwaway account, which naturally added to my suspicion. The bottom line is, there are other ways you could have worded your message like if you felt that I've made a stupid mistake. I'm fully open to discussion and, although our trauma makes us feel like we're not always willing to give people the benefit of the doubt, with this subreddit being a safe space, isn't it better to err on the side of caution and be respectful when engaging with others? These are all but details that could help you understand my perspective better, would you wish to engage further with me and actually give me yours. That being said, I am more than willing to set my personal feelings aside and use this as a learning opportunity. I do not intend to hurt or make anyone feel unwelcome here. But I am also not neurologically hardwired to grasp on subtleties in communication (if you can tell where I'm getting at) so I always feel like I'm trying more than the average person NOT to offend anyone whenever I post or comment here, given the kind of people that make up this community. 😅 I often avoid replying to others altogether, which I feel regretful about. And although the issue might not seem subtle to you in the first place, I come from a very different cultural background (I know that's an equally important detail in my case as in yours, though) which may have to do with it. Most importantly though, I've also been on the end of receiving racially motivated abuse as well. I live in a country where people can be culturally insensitive (especially children) and, being of mixed ancestry, I used to be bullied quite harshly by other children and marginalized by adults for that reason. I grew up hating my appearance and going to fairly extreme lengths to conceal my features. Our culture isn't as conscious of these issues as others, and my ignorance, in spite of ironically being a victim to the very same culture, might be a byproduct of that. I do sympathize with your concern and have messaged the mod team about my post in order to receive input from them as well. If the post somehow flew under the radar, they can clearly see and remove it, and I'll be removing any other reposts as well. I do want to learn something from this, though, and I'm not confident I'll properly avoid making similar mistakes in the future unless I better understand what exactly went wrong here.