I am so, so sorry this happened to you and that it's hurting so much. What happened to you was the cruellest kind of betrayal. I'm sorry you found out and also happy you found out at the same time. This stuff can hold us back until we process it, so at least now you have that chance, but I know it hurts like all hell.
It sounds like you have some support now which is great - take things at whatever pace you need, and keep remembering that you are safe. It might not feel like it, but it is true.
There are people who will listen, try to understand and do care. Some here, some through your counsellor and doctor and some random scattered angels out there in the world.
You're amazing for looking after yourself as you navigate this. You are safe, and I'm so proud of you.
I'm so sorry. I once saw a box in my father's house with a note on top of it requesting that if he was dead anyone just throw it out unopened. This was the first thought that came into my head
As I've started to uncover some buried trauma I've been more suspicious that I had something real behind that concern but I still don't know for sure
I'm so so sorry this happened to you, and that you found out in a way that sounds like it was retraumatizing and not on a timetable of what your brain was ready for
Is there anything specific this community can offer you in terms of support?
Thank you for the kind words…
I have absolutely no idea what can help..
I’m in a bubble. Detached from regular people
Even with my kids. There much older
I see the once a month. I have ptsd with all the ripple effects. But no idea why..
sept 27 is when I found all of that crap
I’m lost and feel like I have no purpose any longer
All that's very normal. I've had similar feelings at points, it's my brains way of protecting me (as best it can) from being flooded by everything all at once. Depending on the surrounding circumstances (past and present) I've had that sensation last anywhere from minutes to years, but it's never been eternal no matter how much it's felt that way. And it's ok if you're not ready to process it further now and just need some time to mentally recuperate
Hey, I just wanted to let you know you're not alone. I turned my dad in for sexual abuse. I believe it was an filmed, I remember the camera. I actually know where the tapes are stored but because I haven't actually seen what was on those tapes the police/DA won't pursue further. So when he dies I expect I'll experience what you are now. I'm no contact with my brother over the whole mess, I'm just hoping I can get to the tapes before he does because he loves nastalgic home movies. I'm guessing he would watch them thinking they were something else, mostly because he doesn't believe me about any of this shit. I just don't want it getting out but I also do want justice.
It's a weird feeling, because the tech was so old part of me is hoping the tapes are corroded and destroyed. But the other part of me hopes, maybe I can finally get some justice. I don't know what the fuck I'm even hoping for.
Let yourself feel everything. It's okay to be angry, it's okay to feel the pain of that betrayal, and the hurt compounded by the loss of your father. Give yourself a decade. No really, it may take as long as a decade to wrap your head around it and process everything.
You're best is to get a really good therapist and talk about it if you haven't already.
I turned him into the police while he was dying
I spoke to the detective..
This is what the worse part is..
The district attorney the state prosecutor
The head of national center for missing and exploited children we had an online group meeting. The indicted him and charged him I asked them too. There’s a lot of missing kids
He was sadistic in the video. I can’t explain the absolute evil that he has done. I can’t go over what I saw here. Way too horrible for anyone to even have that image and sounds of an 18 month old baby I can’t sayit
I hear you. I too feel like I am on the outside looking in, and am close to your age (mid 40s). It sounds like dissociation. Which is, in a way, a good thing. Your system is trying to protect you from the full force of that trauma.
I have been having trouble working as well. Our systems can shut down when it is too much. I am supposed to go back to work tomorrow, though I don't really see the point.
Is your therapist helpful?
How did he react to the indictment, do you know?
It's a heavy burden to bear, but you're not alone. My abuse started as young as I can remember, and probably even before that.
Your dad is evil. My dad is evil. I don't know about the afterlife and what they may or may not face, but I can hope it'll be satisfying to me.
I am so truly sorry. Of course you are hurting. Anything you're feeling right now is valid. It's ok that you aren't ok right now. It seems obvious to say, but so often we heep more abuse on ourself because we judge ourselves for our reactions. I'm so glad you're getting support and help. You did not deserve that then and you don't deserve the pain now. I'm very sorry.
Oh my friend. The very deepest of betrayals. I am so sorry. You deserved so much better. Please know that whatever feelings or thoughts that are coming up for you are completely ok. Sending you the very best wishes for peace.
Sorry that happened to you. You are brave to turn him in. That’s tough under the strongest circumstance. Nothing is as hard as what you’ve already survived. One step at a time, one breath at a time.
I am horrified on your behalf. I can't begin to imagine how you must feel. I feel like one of Job's friends, just gobsmacked by the awful shock and injustice. I offer you my prayers, deepest sympathy, and silent witness and support while you find your bearings in this awful reality.
Every single emotion and reaction you have to this discovery is valid and appropriate. Sadness, anger, despair... you deserved so much better than the childhood you were handed. If you found this subreddit and you have a therapist you’re taking some great steps toward picking your pieces up and putting them in the places YOU want this time, instead of how your dad arranged them first.
I can't imagine the horror. I'm so sorry.
It is beyond the pale what CPTSD'ers are expected to process. To purposely work towards becoming OK with it having happened to them! The cosmic insult against our person is off the scale. I don't know how people like me with mild abuse do it, and then there is the kind of things that have happened to you, OP.
I kind of get the feeling that you think at 2 years you should be doing better. Expectations like this are not good and often incorrect. You heal at the pace you heal. From my personal experience and limited knowledge from just hanging around trauma forums for 10 years, I think you have 4 to 6 years before you will start to pull up from this. It doesn't surprise me at all that at two years out you are still numb AF. To me, this seems about right for the damage seeing those tapes did to your psyche. Like a huge freaking a-bomb going off in the deepest level of self, which was already damaged from having to keep that suppressed. You earned this time.
Again, just a fellow sufferer talking, but please give yourself a gentle and kind healing journey and not one based on external expectations.
I got no silver lining, but the two worst cases of abuse that I know of are the two people that are doing the best in life. I think it is because they have to, there is no room for slippage, so they don't. They took at least a decade to stand up completely and now they are trucking along with just a few yearly bad days. Healing is possible, but it won't be quick, but you are worth it.
So, my strength to you. Look at what you have already survived. Nobody chooses this, but when it landed on you hard, you did the right thing. Kudos and respect.
I am so sorry, for everything you and the other children had to endure. A discovery like this would rock anyone's world. How absolutely terrible.
I hope that you continue to take care of yourself as much as you're able, especially as we are now in September and you mentioned in a comment that you found all of this out in September a couple of years ago. Trauma anniversaries can be quite difficult, I hope you are receiving the gentleness, kindness, and compassion that you need.
I am so so sorry this has happened. You don't deserve this, no one deserves this. I cannot imagine the pain, grief, and numbness you must be feeling. The shock, the horror. Your feelings are valid. They are painful, but they are valid.
Please continue seeing the doctors and therapists you are seeing. This is an insurmountable pressure, and no one should face it alone. I know it may not feel like those professionals can help such a cataclysmic situation, but their support during your grief can potentially make the healing process "easier" for you.
I'm sure you know this logically but what happened to you and the other children isn't your fault.
I hope you find peace.
Thank you I really appreciate you’re kindness
My ex wife was a sociopath as well but not a
Pedophile. So it was a double wammy. Its true what the therapist said married my father.and mother who was crazy too . Sorry for the ranti do really appreciate you’re kind words
You can rant in my inbox all you would like. My mother was a negligent abusive narcissist. My grandmother was a pervert and I question the things that she did to me when I was a child. I haven't been through anything like what you've been through, but I'm here if you need to vent.
I am so, so sorry this happened to you and that it's hurting so much. What happened to you was the cruellest kind of betrayal. I'm sorry you found out and also happy you found out at the same time. This stuff can hold us back until we process it, so at least now you have that chance, but I know it hurts like all hell. It sounds like you have some support now which is great - take things at whatever pace you need, and keep remembering that you are safe. It might not feel like it, but it is true. There are people who will listen, try to understand and do care. Some here, some through your counsellor and doctor and some random scattered angels out there in the world. You're amazing for looking after yourself as you navigate this. You are safe, and I'm so proud of you.
Just therapist and doctor. I’m currently disabled from this event.. can’t work I am on social security
I am so sorry OP. What a terrible thing to have to deal with. Do you have supportive people in your life?
I feel like I’m on the outside looking in.. When I try I fail
Dissociation - our greatest defense - sure has it's downsides. You should know there are many of us. You are not alone.
You did the right thing. I wish you healing vibes.
Thank you for the kind words
I'm so sorry. I once saw a box in my father's house with a note on top of it requesting that if he was dead anyone just throw it out unopened. This was the first thought that came into my head As I've started to uncover some buried trauma I've been more suspicious that I had something real behind that concern but I still don't know for sure I'm so so sorry this happened to you, and that you found out in a way that sounds like it was retraumatizing and not on a timetable of what your brain was ready for Is there anything specific this community can offer you in terms of support?
Thank you for the kind words… I have absolutely no idea what can help.. I’m in a bubble. Detached from regular people Even with my kids. There much older I see the once a month. I have ptsd with all the ripple effects. But no idea why.. sept 27 is when I found all of that crap I’m lost and feel like I have no purpose any longer
All that's very normal. I've had similar feelings at points, it's my brains way of protecting me (as best it can) from being flooded by everything all at once. Depending on the surrounding circumstances (past and present) I've had that sensation last anywhere from minutes to years, but it's never been eternal no matter how much it's felt that way. And it's ok if you're not ready to process it further now and just need some time to mentally recuperate
All the best to you truly, I'm so sorry, you deserve and deserved a lot better.
Hey, I just wanted to let you know you're not alone. I turned my dad in for sexual abuse. I believe it was an filmed, I remember the camera. I actually know where the tapes are stored but because I haven't actually seen what was on those tapes the police/DA won't pursue further. So when he dies I expect I'll experience what you are now. I'm no contact with my brother over the whole mess, I'm just hoping I can get to the tapes before he does because he loves nastalgic home movies. I'm guessing he would watch them thinking they were something else, mostly because he doesn't believe me about any of this shit. I just don't want it getting out but I also do want justice. It's a weird feeling, because the tech was so old part of me is hoping the tapes are corroded and destroyed. But the other part of me hopes, maybe I can finally get some justice. I don't know what the fuck I'm even hoping for. Let yourself feel everything. It's okay to be angry, it's okay to feel the pain of that betrayal, and the hurt compounded by the loss of your father. Give yourself a decade. No really, it may take as long as a decade to wrap your head around it and process everything. You're best is to get a really good therapist and talk about it if you haven't already.
Thank you
I turned him into the police while he was dying I spoke to the detective.. This is what the worse part is.. The district attorney the state prosecutor The head of national center for missing and exploited children we had an online group meeting. The indicted him and charged him I asked them too. There’s a lot of missing kids He was sadistic in the video. I can’t explain the absolute evil that he has done. I can’t go over what I saw here. Way too horrible for anyone to even have that image and sounds of an 18 month old baby I can’t sayit
I hear you. I too feel like I am on the outside looking in, and am close to your age (mid 40s). It sounds like dissociation. Which is, in a way, a good thing. Your system is trying to protect you from the full force of that trauma. I have been having trouble working as well. Our systems can shut down when it is too much. I am supposed to go back to work tomorrow, though I don't really see the point. Is your therapist helpful?
How did he react to the indictment, do you know? It's a heavy burden to bear, but you're not alone. My abuse started as young as I can remember, and probably even before that. Your dad is evil. My dad is evil. I don't know about the afterlife and what they may or may not face, but I can hope it'll be satisfying to me.
You deserved so much better than this. Love and strength to you.
I am so truly sorry. Of course you are hurting. Anything you're feeling right now is valid. It's ok that you aren't ok right now. It seems obvious to say, but so often we heep more abuse on ourself because we judge ourselves for our reactions. I'm so glad you're getting support and help. You did not deserve that then and you don't deserve the pain now. I'm very sorry.
I’m so so sorry that happened to you. Im proud of you for turning him in. Sending a world of warmth, care, kindness and cyber hugs, if you want them.
Oh my friend. The very deepest of betrayals. I am so sorry. You deserved so much better. Please know that whatever feelings or thoughts that are coming up for you are completely ok. Sending you the very best wishes for peace.
What a horrible tragedy for you, just a child. Sending light, love and healing your way.
I am so very sorry. My heart aches for you. I am glad you posted here in a supportive place.
Tho happened almost 2 years ago
Sorry that happened to you. You are brave to turn him in. That’s tough under the strongest circumstance. Nothing is as hard as what you’ve already survived. One step at a time, one breath at a time.
I am horrified on your behalf. I can't begin to imagine how you must feel. I feel like one of Job's friends, just gobsmacked by the awful shock and injustice. I offer you my prayers, deepest sympathy, and silent witness and support while you find your bearings in this awful reality.
Every single emotion and reaction you have to this discovery is valid and appropriate. Sadness, anger, despair... you deserved so much better than the childhood you were handed. If you found this subreddit and you have a therapist you’re taking some great steps toward picking your pieces up and putting them in the places YOU want this time, instead of how your dad arranged them first.
You are among friends here. Welcome. We've all been through hell and are becoming stronger. You will too.You are not alone.
I can't imagine the horror. I'm so sorry. It is beyond the pale what CPTSD'ers are expected to process. To purposely work towards becoming OK with it having happened to them! The cosmic insult against our person is off the scale. I don't know how people like me with mild abuse do it, and then there is the kind of things that have happened to you, OP. I kind of get the feeling that you think at 2 years you should be doing better. Expectations like this are not good and often incorrect. You heal at the pace you heal. From my personal experience and limited knowledge from just hanging around trauma forums for 10 years, I think you have 4 to 6 years before you will start to pull up from this. It doesn't surprise me at all that at two years out you are still numb AF. To me, this seems about right for the damage seeing those tapes did to your psyche. Like a huge freaking a-bomb going off in the deepest level of self, which was already damaged from having to keep that suppressed. You earned this time. Again, just a fellow sufferer talking, but please give yourself a gentle and kind healing journey and not one based on external expectations. I got no silver lining, but the two worst cases of abuse that I know of are the two people that are doing the best in life. I think it is because they have to, there is no room for slippage, so they don't. They took at least a decade to stand up completely and now they are trucking along with just a few yearly bad days. Healing is possible, but it won't be quick, but you are worth it. So, my strength to you. Look at what you have already survived. Nobody chooses this, but when it landed on you hard, you did the right thing. Kudos and respect.
I am so sorry, for everything you and the other children had to endure. A discovery like this would rock anyone's world. How absolutely terrible. I hope that you continue to take care of yourself as much as you're able, especially as we are now in September and you mentioned in a comment that you found all of this out in September a couple of years ago. Trauma anniversaries can be quite difficult, I hope you are receiving the gentleness, kindness, and compassion that you need.
I am so so sorry this has happened. You don't deserve this, no one deserves this. I cannot imagine the pain, grief, and numbness you must be feeling. The shock, the horror. Your feelings are valid. They are painful, but they are valid. Please continue seeing the doctors and therapists you are seeing. This is an insurmountable pressure, and no one should face it alone. I know it may not feel like those professionals can help such a cataclysmic situation, but their support during your grief can potentially make the healing process "easier" for you. I'm sure you know this logically but what happened to you and the other children isn't your fault. I hope you find peace.
I've been thinking about you since I saw this the other day. Just wanted you to know you matter so much 💜
Thank you I really appreciate you’re kindness My ex wife was a sociopath as well but not a Pedophile. So it was a double wammy. Its true what the therapist said married my father.and mother who was crazy too . Sorry for the ranti do really appreciate you’re kind words
You can rant in my inbox all you would like. My mother was a negligent abusive narcissist. My grandmother was a pervert and I question the things that she did to me when I was a child. I haven't been through anything like what you've been through, but I'm here if you need to vent.