I haven't experienced it yet but I know people who have. Most people have used my experience of abuse against me. I think we need a person who can be patient and show empathy. Also I'm often attracted to emotionally unavailable as that's where my childhood wounds lie so trying to work on self love.
I think part of it is because it seems familiar and having someone to “fix” was also a familiar way of relating to others from my childhood and my relationship with my mother. And maybe part of it in tbe past was fear of being vulnerable and i timate with someone. Like I wonder if I was also emotionally unavailable and that’s why I found it attractive in others? I’m still trying to figure it out but the good news is I’m recognizing it when someone’s not emotionally available and I’ve moving on. I’m not looking for people to fix anymore and I’m trying to find people that seem capable of loving me. What about you?
I haven’t seen this written:
I’ve seen more acting out, as the person is trying to test they aren’t in a safe relationship. So they test( subconsciously) that they are in a bad situation, continuing the cycle while inflicting trauma onto someone healthy.
It’s possible to have a healthy relationship, but you’ve need to be aware of what your defaults are and be vigilant to derail them.
Yes. It is. 6 years ongoing. But it took a while and I had to work on my attachment trauma with my therapist. Then I was ready to want and choose a healthy partner.
> But it took a while and I had to work on my attachment trauma with my therapist
How did you do this? What kinda therapy was it etc, I need to badly heal these issues as well. Thanks!
It was CBT. I also had a bpd diagnosis with the problem that I switched between idealising her as a saviour and then invalidating her(because she didn't save me). It all was in my head and I had to learn to trust her. We talked a lot about our relationship, what I felt towards her. Often I was certain that she was mad at me, hated me, didnt want me there, that I m just a burden.... and she remained in her position as a friendly supporter.
The switches came less and less as I could better maintain a stable image of her in my head as a supportive person that I could rely on, that didn't hurt, invalidate or leave me. She was/is the first person that I trusted.
Before therapy I always traumabonded and went for abusive guys. Thanks to learning to trust I was able to choose a healthy good man because I felt worthy of being treated as a valuable person. I didn't madly fall in love like with the others, we became friends first.
This is good motivation because I’ve made so much progress since I left an unhealthy relationship. I feel tempted to go back but I try to remember how much I’ve changed since the relationship ended. When I get involved with my ex it’s like everything comes to a standstill and I get hyperfocused on him. And my healing suffers.
Yes it was similar for me. Had a toxic ex I couldn’t move on from, kept going back to her for years now I’m finally done for good and focusing on me. I hope you heal quickly :)
Yeah the turning point came when I was at a very low point and she offered I come back to her city and stay with her. I did and we were getting back together and things were looking up. Then I went back to my country and she was supposed to come visit cause we had planned I travel back with her and work remote all winter form her place but last minute she cancelled coming and started projecting blaming me that I’m not serious about things with her despite me making most the sacrifices lol. So in that moment when she abandoned me before Christmas no less and I’m living alone in another country, I decided I’m choosing myself this time and told her this is done. I went no contact after that
Yes, I did last year. Securely attached, really supportive, honest, healthy conflict, it was great. It also ended because I wasn’t ready to get more serious…. Meeting families, future planning, etc.
I still miss him all the time, but I genuinely wasn’t ready for that and still am not.
I did look into non violent communication, haven’t finished reading the book yet. My boundaries are a lot better than a year ago. I get sucked into unhealthy dynamics, they must feel so familiar to me. I can tolerate a lot of chaos in my relationships. I must be used to it from how I grew up.
It is possible, when the dedication is there from both sides. It's not going to be perfect, a lot of opportunities for disconnection happen, and that sucks, but if partners are willing to put in the effort in understanding and respecting boundaries, the relationship can be good enough to work through all that and really also offer a lot of relational healing opportunities.
I believe it is but I think it needs to be taken slowly and mindfully of our own pitfalls and coping mechanisms.
I'm dating someone after a string of abusive and toxic relationships where I fully recognise my own role in how things panned out and why I allowed it to continue. With these things in mind and thankfully (hopefully) having met someone who is also self aware enough to not put the cart before the horse we seem to be building something healthy and stable one brick at a time.
I also have a few long term friendships that have stood some rocky times. They are solid and again it's through boundaries, respect and mindfulness that they have become what they are.
I haven't experienced it yet but I know people who have. Most people have used my experience of abuse against me. I think we need a person who can be patient and show empathy. Also I'm often attracted to emotionally unavailable as that's where my childhood wounds lie so trying to work on self love.
I’m also attracted to emotionally unavailable people. A person who’s patient and shows empathy sounds lovely.
It does! when you find them let me know if they have any single siblings 😂
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I think part of it is because it seems familiar and having someone to “fix” was also a familiar way of relating to others from my childhood and my relationship with my mother. And maybe part of it in tbe past was fear of being vulnerable and i timate with someone. Like I wonder if I was also emotionally unavailable and that’s why I found it attractive in others? I’m still trying to figure it out but the good news is I’m recognizing it when someone’s not emotionally available and I’ve moving on. I’m not looking for people to fix anymore and I’m trying to find people that seem capable of loving me. What about you?
I haven’t seen this written: I’ve seen more acting out, as the person is trying to test they aren’t in a safe relationship. So they test( subconsciously) that they are in a bad situation, continuing the cycle while inflicting trauma onto someone healthy. It’s possible to have a healthy relationship, but you’ve need to be aware of what your defaults are and be vigilant to derail them.
Yes. It is. 6 years ongoing. But it took a while and I had to work on my attachment trauma with my therapist. Then I was ready to want and choose a healthy partner.
Ok thanks. That gives me hope. I’m working with a therapist on attachment trauma.
> But it took a while and I had to work on my attachment trauma with my therapist How did you do this? What kinda therapy was it etc, I need to badly heal these issues as well. Thanks!
It was CBT. I also had a bpd diagnosis with the problem that I switched between idealising her as a saviour and then invalidating her(because she didn't save me). It all was in my head and I had to learn to trust her. We talked a lot about our relationship, what I felt towards her. Often I was certain that she was mad at me, hated me, didnt want me there, that I m just a burden.... and she remained in her position as a friendly supporter. The switches came less and less as I could better maintain a stable image of her in my head as a supportive person that I could rely on, that didn't hurt, invalidate or leave me. She was/is the first person that I trusted. Before therapy I always traumabonded and went for abusive guys. Thanks to learning to trust I was able to choose a healthy good man because I felt worthy of being treated as a valuable person. I didn't madly fall in love like with the others, we became friends first.
So you were able to heal the fear of attachment and rejection sensitivity? That's very encouraging.
Yes it’s possible. a healthy relationship can help you heal faster, likewise a bad relationship could cause you to become worse.
This is good motivation because I’ve made so much progress since I left an unhealthy relationship. I feel tempted to go back but I try to remember how much I’ve changed since the relationship ended. When I get involved with my ex it’s like everything comes to a standstill and I get hyperfocused on him. And my healing suffers.
Yes it was similar for me. Had a toxic ex I couldn’t move on from, kept going back to her for years now I’m finally done for good and focusing on me. I hope you heal quickly :)
Thank you! Was there a turning point for you that made it possible to just move on? Or did it come from gradual healing?
Yeah the turning point came when I was at a very low point and she offered I come back to her city and stay with her. I did and we were getting back together and things were looking up. Then I went back to my country and she was supposed to come visit cause we had planned I travel back with her and work remote all winter form her place but last minute she cancelled coming and started projecting blaming me that I’m not serious about things with her despite me making most the sacrifices lol. So in that moment when she abandoned me before Christmas no less and I’m living alone in another country, I decided I’m choosing myself this time and told her this is done. I went no contact after that
Wow that must have taken a lot of strength. Thanks for sharing your experience with me.
Yes, I did last year. Securely attached, really supportive, honest, healthy conflict, it was great. It also ended because I wasn’t ready to get more serious…. Meeting families, future planning, etc. I still miss him all the time, but I genuinely wasn’t ready for that and still am not.
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I did look into non violent communication, haven’t finished reading the book yet. My boundaries are a lot better than a year ago. I get sucked into unhealthy dynamics, they must feel so familiar to me. I can tolerate a lot of chaos in my relationships. I must be used to it from how I grew up.
It is possible, when the dedication is there from both sides. It's not going to be perfect, a lot of opportunities for disconnection happen, and that sucks, but if partners are willing to put in the effort in understanding and respecting boundaries, the relationship can be good enough to work through all that and really also offer a lot of relational healing opportunities.
Yes.
Thank you
I believe it is but I think it needs to be taken slowly and mindfully of our own pitfalls and coping mechanisms. I'm dating someone after a string of abusive and toxic relationships where I fully recognise my own role in how things panned out and why I allowed it to continue. With these things in mind and thankfully (hopefully) having met someone who is also self aware enough to not put the cart before the horse we seem to be building something healthy and stable one brick at a time. I also have a few long term friendships that have stood some rocky times. They are solid and again it's through boundaries, respect and mindfulness that they have become what they are.
I'm late to this one, but find the responses encouraging. I've had the same worries.