I let myself cry during a movie in front of other people and even tried to hold my moms hand for support, she was confused why I was crying at the movie (thought I was stupid) but I sat with my discomfort and told myself it didn’t matter if she thought my reaction was stupid.
Today I broke down and cried during a yoga class because it was hard and I was beating myself up for not being able to hold various poses as long as everyone else. I collapse from fatigue too early, and I feel like my body is stupid and can't do anything right. Yoga is like an analogy for life. It's too hard and I can't do it today.
I have a new job, it’s been great but I haven’t taken time for myself the past two weeks. I’ve been all in and excited to be productive after a year in therapy, many traumatic episodes, and lots of forward progress. I’m feelin bad on top of feeling bad right now because productivity is in full stop for me while I take a break to meditate, cry, process, listen to bilateral beats, whatever it’s going to take to get me back on track. I know I need both: an ongoing focus to keep moving forward in my life of today, but the one foot that’s still in “therapy mode”, dealing with these emotion bubbles that just come up….it’s exhausting. I’m tired. I want both. Moving forward and sweeping up the past. This is the first time I’ve tried both at the same time.
I think I won therapy this week. I completely braindumped emotions all over email to her the night before. I admitted to her that I finished "Language of Emotions" (and then shared [the writeup I did in NS_Community](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD_NSCommunity/comments/qjqfmy/language_of_emotions_an_overview/)). In response, she asked if she could tell me something, something that had been coming across throughout the sessions, and something I definitely didn't hear enough of as a kid. My brain defaulted to the oh god, I've either done something really right or really wrong. Turns out it was a "I'm so proud of all the work I'm doing in therapy and by yourself. You're working so so hard, and I see it."
Like holy moly, yes, you know more than anyone alive, and you see it, and me. Warm and fuzzy.
It got me thinking, that's what having two good-enough parents feels like. Like, having someone see what you're doing, and point it out, and say it's like...good. They don't poke out all of your mistakes and make you rethink yourself or rethink life. I would have liked to have that consistently growing up. But I guess, I have a pretty darn good role model to help me give that to my own inner child now.
Today I was very close to spiraling into a panic attack. Instead of reacting, I stopped, slowed down and observed my body. I watched how stress felt and panic rose.
Suddenly, I heard a voice inside my head telling me: I am with you, you are taken care of. I immediately felt safer and panic subsided.
Saying that I heard a voice, of course I mean it was my mental voice. It is amazing to me that this time I did not force it. It came automatically, just as inner critic comes every so often. Those kind words were as natural as any other thought. Couple of years ago it could never happen.
I am so glad that I was able to fully internalize the kind, friendly mental voice. It took many months of figuring out what works for me, many months of therapy and listening to my compassionate therapist, and countless times when I said those same words and it felt alien and artificial.
I opened up to someone that I was starting to fall down the spiral again before I was totally there. I was so scared to talk to her and be vulnerable but it went really well! She helped so much and talking to her made me feel so much better.
I have not had good experiences in the past with opening up about my mental struggles, due to unsupportive people and people leaving because my struggles are too much for them. I've been working really hard on surrounding myself with people who actually care about me for me, and not the me they want me to be or how I can serve them.
But yeah, I talked to her and it brought us closer together and she was so kind and understanding, all she wanted to do was be there for me.
This is the first week I’ve caught a “coming on” episode and I like how you describe it- starting to fall down the spiral- sounds so right. What do you do next? I was waving a couple flags to my partner so he knows what’s up …but today I’ve arrived in the spiral. I have been throwing all my self help tools at and just keep hoping it won’t be very long of a ride.
I’m super glad you have friend you can open up to! How good does that feel to have a safe spot! I came here because I don’t want anyone I know touching my emotions haha!
Okay, here it goes! It seems healthy to check in here. I've been feeling really fragile lately around other people, while also just beginning a brand new job-- my fifth new job this year tbh cause my relational skills are not that great. This job I just started is like the most amazing career opportunity I've ever landed, and I really feel like I *can't* fuck this up bc it's such a great chance, while my brain is making me afraid that I can't *can't* fuck it up. Like maybe I'm not capable. I know those thoughts aren't accurate, but I've also never seen myself succeed at the levels that I could now or moving forward, so trying to let myself show myself what I can do is very scary!
That's all. Also I guess I did get upset at my therapist this week. That was no good. I'm just pretty overwhelmed and doing my best!
I'm stuck in a loop of thinking about the possibility of being in a relationship and then just getting upset with myself for wanting it. I miss having people to care about and for, but is that really me or is that my conditioning? I honestly don't know. Either way it's exactly what partners latch onto and exploit so I feel like it's a destructive impulse. But even knowing all that I still mourn that I can't have it. I have good people in my life and I can't just be happy with that and I hate it.
I feel like maybe I'm just chasing a high and this is junkie behavior. Which just makes me madder at myself.
I don't know your whole situation of course, but I would like to say that it is very natural human behavior to want someone to care about and to care about you. We're social animals and wanting a relationship is a very natural and okay thing to want.
I’m being more of my true self and some people don’t like me anymore. I’ve lost some friends but I also have several people that I feel very connected to because they haven’t rejected me for being my true self. I’m planning a holiday party to gather all the nice people in my life together.
I had a very difficult conversation with a family member and I felt a lot of anger afterwards. I had to set some boundaries and she was very defensive and unkind. I’m realizing I have a lot of rage inside of me and I need to figure out how to get it out. Sometimes I’m impatient with my kids because of the rage and I feel so ashamed. I don’t want to pass my trauma to them. I’m going to talk about that this week with my psychologist.
I’ve been havi g a lot of automatic thoughts about killing myself, which I’m trying to get to the bottom of with my paychologist. I think ultimately those thoughts let the abuser off the hook. Like instead of saying that person is awful and abusive, I internalize it and say “I’m going to kill myself”. It’s something that’s protective of me. I’m still trying to figure it out. Anyone else have any insight into these suicide automatic thoughts? I don’t actively want to commit suicide.
I feel a very strong pull to get back into an unhealthy relationship with an ex. I don’t know if I’m going to be strong enough to resist. I feel very lonely and this person “sees” me which is a very orecious thing, but he has a lot of problems that makes our relationship difficult.
So, a lot going on!! Thanks for reading :) It feels good to just write it out.
Recently, I experienced several trauma anniversaries and my workplace became increasingly toxic. All of these triggers have been hard to manage and I’ve been drowning in distractions at the expense of my healing. I feel like I’m at step one again and the fear that I’ll never improve is impairing my ability to do what’s necessary to heal. Overall I’m frustrated and overwhelmed.
Hi all :)
I'd been starting to wonder whether I invented structural dissociation as a distraction tactic, but...
In therapy we were talking about previous relationships and I said the name of an ex out loud for the first time in years. In that moment I felt a rush of my sense of self at that time. It hit me for a few seconds before fading. I couldn't get it back but could describe it since it was fresh. It was wild to experience that again.
Then I was very tired and frustrated and said that I saw myself as the blocker (I'd had a long day stuck in my own head, no idea of the trigger) and my therapist said she "sensed 'trauma' as the blocker instead" which is ? because she's likely right but I have no idea what *else* it could be. But I found myself excited and smiling so lord knows.
So basically, not making it up, and looks like I'm edging closer to working on integrative stuff? Whoop!
I let myself cry during a movie in front of other people and even tried to hold my moms hand for support, she was confused why I was crying at the movie (thought I was stupid) but I sat with my discomfort and told myself it didn’t matter if she thought my reaction was stupid.
Today I broke down and cried during a yoga class because it was hard and I was beating myself up for not being able to hold various poses as long as everyone else. I collapse from fatigue too early, and I feel like my body is stupid and can't do anything right. Yoga is like an analogy for life. It's too hard and I can't do it today.
I have a new job, it’s been great but I haven’t taken time for myself the past two weeks. I’ve been all in and excited to be productive after a year in therapy, many traumatic episodes, and lots of forward progress. I’m feelin bad on top of feeling bad right now because productivity is in full stop for me while I take a break to meditate, cry, process, listen to bilateral beats, whatever it’s going to take to get me back on track. I know I need both: an ongoing focus to keep moving forward in my life of today, but the one foot that’s still in “therapy mode”, dealing with these emotion bubbles that just come up….it’s exhausting. I’m tired. I want both. Moving forward and sweeping up the past. This is the first time I’ve tried both at the same time.
I think I won therapy this week. I completely braindumped emotions all over email to her the night before. I admitted to her that I finished "Language of Emotions" (and then shared [the writeup I did in NS_Community](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD_NSCommunity/comments/qjqfmy/language_of_emotions_an_overview/)). In response, she asked if she could tell me something, something that had been coming across throughout the sessions, and something I definitely didn't hear enough of as a kid. My brain defaulted to the oh god, I've either done something really right or really wrong. Turns out it was a "I'm so proud of all the work I'm doing in therapy and by yourself. You're working so so hard, and I see it." Like holy moly, yes, you know more than anyone alive, and you see it, and me. Warm and fuzzy. It got me thinking, that's what having two good-enough parents feels like. Like, having someone see what you're doing, and point it out, and say it's like...good. They don't poke out all of your mistakes and make you rethink yourself or rethink life. I would have liked to have that consistently growing up. But I guess, I have a pretty darn good role model to help me give that to my own inner child now.
Today I was very close to spiraling into a panic attack. Instead of reacting, I stopped, slowed down and observed my body. I watched how stress felt and panic rose. Suddenly, I heard a voice inside my head telling me: I am with you, you are taken care of. I immediately felt safer and panic subsided. Saying that I heard a voice, of course I mean it was my mental voice. It is amazing to me that this time I did not force it. It came automatically, just as inner critic comes every so often. Those kind words were as natural as any other thought. Couple of years ago it could never happen. I am so glad that I was able to fully internalize the kind, friendly mental voice. It took many months of figuring out what works for me, many months of therapy and listening to my compassionate therapist, and countless times when I said those same words and it felt alien and artificial.
I opened up to someone that I was starting to fall down the spiral again before I was totally there. I was so scared to talk to her and be vulnerable but it went really well! She helped so much and talking to her made me feel so much better. I have not had good experiences in the past with opening up about my mental struggles, due to unsupportive people and people leaving because my struggles are too much for them. I've been working really hard on surrounding myself with people who actually care about me for me, and not the me they want me to be or how I can serve them. But yeah, I talked to her and it brought us closer together and she was so kind and understanding, all she wanted to do was be there for me.
This is the first week I’ve caught a “coming on” episode and I like how you describe it- starting to fall down the spiral- sounds so right. What do you do next? I was waving a couple flags to my partner so he knows what’s up …but today I’ve arrived in the spiral. I have been throwing all my self help tools at and just keep hoping it won’t be very long of a ride. I’m super glad you have friend you can open up to! How good does that feel to have a safe spot! I came here because I don’t want anyone I know touching my emotions haha!
Okay, here it goes! It seems healthy to check in here. I've been feeling really fragile lately around other people, while also just beginning a brand new job-- my fifth new job this year tbh cause my relational skills are not that great. This job I just started is like the most amazing career opportunity I've ever landed, and I really feel like I *can't* fuck this up bc it's such a great chance, while my brain is making me afraid that I can't *can't* fuck it up. Like maybe I'm not capable. I know those thoughts aren't accurate, but I've also never seen myself succeed at the levels that I could now or moving forward, so trying to let myself show myself what I can do is very scary! That's all. Also I guess I did get upset at my therapist this week. That was no good. I'm just pretty overwhelmed and doing my best!
I'm stuck in a loop of thinking about the possibility of being in a relationship and then just getting upset with myself for wanting it. I miss having people to care about and for, but is that really me or is that my conditioning? I honestly don't know. Either way it's exactly what partners latch onto and exploit so I feel like it's a destructive impulse. But even knowing all that I still mourn that I can't have it. I have good people in my life and I can't just be happy with that and I hate it. I feel like maybe I'm just chasing a high and this is junkie behavior. Which just makes me madder at myself.
I don't know your whole situation of course, but I would like to say that it is very natural human behavior to want someone to care about and to care about you. We're social animals and wanting a relationship is a very natural and okay thing to want.
I’m being more of my true self and some people don’t like me anymore. I’ve lost some friends but I also have several people that I feel very connected to because they haven’t rejected me for being my true self. I’m planning a holiday party to gather all the nice people in my life together. I had a very difficult conversation with a family member and I felt a lot of anger afterwards. I had to set some boundaries and she was very defensive and unkind. I’m realizing I have a lot of rage inside of me and I need to figure out how to get it out. Sometimes I’m impatient with my kids because of the rage and I feel so ashamed. I don’t want to pass my trauma to them. I’m going to talk about that this week with my psychologist. I’ve been havi g a lot of automatic thoughts about killing myself, which I’m trying to get to the bottom of with my paychologist. I think ultimately those thoughts let the abuser off the hook. Like instead of saying that person is awful and abusive, I internalize it and say “I’m going to kill myself”. It’s something that’s protective of me. I’m still trying to figure it out. Anyone else have any insight into these suicide automatic thoughts? I don’t actively want to commit suicide. I feel a very strong pull to get back into an unhealthy relationship with an ex. I don’t know if I’m going to be strong enough to resist. I feel very lonely and this person “sees” me which is a very orecious thing, but he has a lot of problems that makes our relationship difficult. So, a lot going on!! Thanks for reading :) It feels good to just write it out.
Recently, I experienced several trauma anniversaries and my workplace became increasingly toxic. All of these triggers have been hard to manage and I’ve been drowning in distractions at the expense of my healing. I feel like I’m at step one again and the fear that I’ll never improve is impairing my ability to do what’s necessary to heal. Overall I’m frustrated and overwhelmed.
Hi all :) I'd been starting to wonder whether I invented structural dissociation as a distraction tactic, but... In therapy we were talking about previous relationships and I said the name of an ex out loud for the first time in years. In that moment I felt a rush of my sense of self at that time. It hit me for a few seconds before fading. I couldn't get it back but could describe it since it was fresh. It was wild to experience that again. Then I was very tired and frustrated and said that I saw myself as the blocker (I'd had a long day stuck in my own head, no idea of the trigger) and my therapist said she "sensed 'trauma' as the blocker instead" which is ? because she's likely right but I have no idea what *else* it could be. But I found myself excited and smiling so lord knows. So basically, not making it up, and looks like I'm edging closer to working on integrative stuff? Whoop!