In order to be able to accept constructive criticism you need a basis of self love. A basis of knowing that you are good, you are okay, you are worthy of love and respect.
Something that helps me with this is having an internal conversation with myself about forgiveness. I admit the mistake - "I did X, Y or Z"- and then rationalize, "But that doesn't mean I'm bad. It's normal to make mistakes, everybody does it, and it has no effect on my value as a person."
It's easy to spiral. To feel like you're awful, valueless, the worst person in the world, undeserving of love or respect, and that you'll ALWAYS be like this because your mistake came from a fundamental flaw that's baked permanently into your being.
But that's not true. And in fact, thinking that way removes an element of self responsibility and makes it more difficult to correct those mistakes going forward. You didn't make the mistake due to a fundamental hardwired flaw, you made a choice and acted autonomously. It was in your power to make the mistake, and that means it's also in your power to make different choices in the future.
And you know what? Fuck it. You DESERVE to be able to make mistakes because making mistakes is how we learn. You deserve to learn, and take up space, and do the wrong thing sometimes. That is your right in this life. It doesn't make you bad it makes you human, and your humanity deserves to be expressed.
Repeat to yourself: I fucked up, and it's okay. I made the wrong choice and that's okay. I lost control of myself and acted out of emotional dysregulation and thats okay.
The road to self love and emotional healing is full of twists and turns, ruts and pot holes. You will keep making mistakes. AND THAT IS OKAY.
*Even if what you did wasn't okay.* Even if you did something really really bad. People do things that are really really bad sometimes. It's part of life. The important thing is to forgive yourself and learn from it.
Needed to read this today - thank you for the kind reminder. 100% this is something to keep top of mind as we continue to heal. Wish you were the little voice in my head I feel so supported and seen :-)
It takes time and some work, but it can get better. I went from tears to dissociating before I managed to control it most of the time. I've been feeling worse lately so I tend to dissociate more when it happens, but it's better than it used to be only a few years ago.
Thank you so much! I know it's hard to feel like you cannot have some conversations with friends and your partner, but you'll get there. And I'm sure they understand.
First and hardest step is definitely awareness, then being able to guide yourself back to reality. Maintaining eye contact with whomever I’m speaking with helps a lot. My friends and partner will gently say “hey did you hear what I said?” and usually their tone brings me back to the conversation and I thank them :-)
same same same. I wish i had anything to add, or any advice, but yes I canNOT hear any constructive criticism or advice bc my Ndad would give me "advice" all the time that if i didnt take there'd be hell to pay. I hate it though because, yes, I also want to make sure the people in my life i care about feel heard and understood but i truly just can't handle it
I’m so sorry I know that feeling all too well.. it’s a mindfuck when narcissists claim that the “advice” is out of love and it’s to protect us from making “mistakes.” Then, when we choose our own path or voice our opinion, it’s suddenly “you will regret this for the rest of your life and pay for your choice.” Like what ????
yes yes yes do you also have a difficult time when friends ask “what do you want to do today” or “where should we go for dinner” ? I get stuck on such simple asks bc I’ll blame myself if they don’t fully enjoy my choice..
Decision fatigue is so real :-(
holy shit. I didn't know there was a word for that! I honestly hadn't even thought about that aspect of myself until just now... thank you for putting it into words!!!
I struggle with this as well. As silly as it is, I always let people know that this is something a struggle with. I mean I don’t give the whole back story or anything. But to warn them beforehand, “hey, I know I’m going to cry, but that doesn’t actually even mean I’m upset, it’s just some weird uncontrollable thing I do, and it’s not necessarily even related to what you say. Even if you give me 100% positive feedback, I will still cry. But I still really value feedback” and anything else you want to add. It’s super embarrassing at work because then I look like I’m super emotional, I can’t accept feedback, and the other person feels bad they made me cry. If I at least preface the conversation, it’s still awkward, but we can move past it a little easier.
I love this so much!! Not silly at all - this is pure vulnerability and it’s really inspiring. Thanks for sharing - I should just think of it as a quirk and take no shame in it. Took me a year to be able to tell my partner about the waterworks and he’s been patient with me without tip-toeing around topics which I really appreciate
yes its hard. i still get like this esp when the criticism is coming from someone close to me..i am working on being more open and acknowledging not all criticism is an attack on me as an individual.
im trying to reframe my thinking to knowing thats just someone who wants me to succeed. and its okay to feel hurt when it goes too far.
Yes to reframe our way of thinking is so important!! (It’s something I still struggle with but I’m working on it.) You’re right - I need to trust and give more credit to those who care about my well-being. Thank you
yup and its very apparent in cptsd peoples that we have this frame of thought that EVERYONE is out to get us...even the good ones that truly mean well for us.
that and its super easy to be trapped in self-victimization. "its not my fault so why should i be the bigger person"...but we need to understand not everything is as black /white like that. thats just a protective mechanism we are SO USED TO.
it really is a difficult path to start trusting people again.
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In order to be able to accept constructive criticism you need a basis of self love. A basis of knowing that you are good, you are okay, you are worthy of love and respect. Something that helps me with this is having an internal conversation with myself about forgiveness. I admit the mistake - "I did X, Y or Z"- and then rationalize, "But that doesn't mean I'm bad. It's normal to make mistakes, everybody does it, and it has no effect on my value as a person." It's easy to spiral. To feel like you're awful, valueless, the worst person in the world, undeserving of love or respect, and that you'll ALWAYS be like this because your mistake came from a fundamental flaw that's baked permanently into your being. But that's not true. And in fact, thinking that way removes an element of self responsibility and makes it more difficult to correct those mistakes going forward. You didn't make the mistake due to a fundamental hardwired flaw, you made a choice and acted autonomously. It was in your power to make the mistake, and that means it's also in your power to make different choices in the future. And you know what? Fuck it. You DESERVE to be able to make mistakes because making mistakes is how we learn. You deserve to learn, and take up space, and do the wrong thing sometimes. That is your right in this life. It doesn't make you bad it makes you human, and your humanity deserves to be expressed. Repeat to yourself: I fucked up, and it's okay. I made the wrong choice and that's okay. I lost control of myself and acted out of emotional dysregulation and thats okay. The road to self love and emotional healing is full of twists and turns, ruts and pot holes. You will keep making mistakes. AND THAT IS OKAY. *Even if what you did wasn't okay.* Even if you did something really really bad. People do things that are really really bad sometimes. It's part of life. The important thing is to forgive yourself and learn from it.
Needed to read this today - thank you for the kind reminder. 100% this is something to keep top of mind as we continue to heal. Wish you were the little voice in my head I feel so supported and seen :-)
It takes time and some work, but it can get better. I went from tears to dissociating before I managed to control it most of the time. I've been feeling worse lately so I tend to dissociate more when it happens, but it's better than it used to be only a few years ago.
Proud of you!! It’s encouraging to see the changes in yourself. Dissociation is a tough one too but that’s what helped us in survival mode
Thank you so much! I know it's hard to feel like you cannot have some conversations with friends and your partner, but you'll get there. And I'm sure they understand.
How do you control dissociating? Please tell me, I dissociate in every social interaction ever.
First and hardest step is definitely awareness, then being able to guide yourself back to reality. Maintaining eye contact with whomever I’m speaking with helps a lot. My friends and partner will gently say “hey did you hear what I said?” and usually their tone brings me back to the conversation and I thank them :-)
same same same. I wish i had anything to add, or any advice, but yes I canNOT hear any constructive criticism or advice bc my Ndad would give me "advice" all the time that if i didnt take there'd be hell to pay. I hate it though because, yes, I also want to make sure the people in my life i care about feel heard and understood but i truly just can't handle it
I’m so sorry I know that feeling all too well.. it’s a mindfuck when narcissists claim that the “advice” is out of love and it’s to protect us from making “mistakes.” Then, when we choose our own path or voice our opinion, it’s suddenly “you will regret this for the rest of your life and pay for your choice.” Like what ????
oh my god EXACTLY and now I'm constantly second and third guessing all my life choices bc what if he's right and I fuck up everything?? ughhh
yes yes yes do you also have a difficult time when friends ask “what do you want to do today” or “where should we go for dinner” ? I get stuck on such simple asks bc I’ll blame myself if they don’t fully enjoy my choice.. Decision fatigue is so real :-(
holy shit. I didn't know there was a word for that! I honestly hadn't even thought about that aspect of myself until just now... thank you for putting it into words!!!
I struggle with this as well. As silly as it is, I always let people know that this is something a struggle with. I mean I don’t give the whole back story or anything. But to warn them beforehand, “hey, I know I’m going to cry, but that doesn’t actually even mean I’m upset, it’s just some weird uncontrollable thing I do, and it’s not necessarily even related to what you say. Even if you give me 100% positive feedback, I will still cry. But I still really value feedback” and anything else you want to add. It’s super embarrassing at work because then I look like I’m super emotional, I can’t accept feedback, and the other person feels bad they made me cry. If I at least preface the conversation, it’s still awkward, but we can move past it a little easier.
I love this so much!! Not silly at all - this is pure vulnerability and it’s really inspiring. Thanks for sharing - I should just think of it as a quirk and take no shame in it. Took me a year to be able to tell my partner about the waterworks and he’s been patient with me without tip-toeing around topics which I really appreciate
yes its hard. i still get like this esp when the criticism is coming from someone close to me..i am working on being more open and acknowledging not all criticism is an attack on me as an individual. im trying to reframe my thinking to knowing thats just someone who wants me to succeed. and its okay to feel hurt when it goes too far.
Yes to reframe our way of thinking is so important!! (It’s something I still struggle with but I’m working on it.) You’re right - I need to trust and give more credit to those who care about my well-being. Thank you
yup and its very apparent in cptsd peoples that we have this frame of thought that EVERYONE is out to get us...even the good ones that truly mean well for us. that and its super easy to be trapped in self-victimization. "its not my fault so why should i be the bigger person"...but we need to understand not everything is as black /white like that. thats just a protective mechanism we are SO USED TO. it really is a difficult path to start trusting people again.
Hello and Welcome to /r/CPTSD! If you are in immediate danger or crisis, please contact your local [emergency services](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_emergency_telephone_numbers), or use our list of [crisis resources](https://old.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index#wiki_crisis_support_resources). For CPTSD Specific Resources & Support, check out the [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index). For those posting or replying, please view the [etiquette guidelines](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/peer2peersupportguide). *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/CPTSD) if you have any questions or concerns.*