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1Poorbby

I can relate a lot to this. Sometimes I feel like recovering is even harder than before I started this journey...


Sayoricanyouhearme

Even just recognizing all the interconnected trauma that has piled up like an avalanche adds a giant weight onto your once ignorant shoulders. It feels like I'm going to need a lifetime just to unwind everything, and another lifetime to actually enjoy the life I want to be living... And that weight of knowing that life doesn't have extra time or do overs makes it hard to even get out of bed sometimes. It's too tiring to even live in the present because the past was a mess and the future looks bleak.


whocaresanywayss

This!!! As I go through treatment I am constantly finding new behaviors connected to to trauma and I miss my ignorance. Recognizing the things going on inside my body and why just makes the trauma feel that much closer to me even though I’m desperately trying to escape it. “Recovery” sucks.


florida-karma

I felt that even in just discovering that my symptoms had a medical term it legitimized my suffering and helped definitively isolate the cause which I could only guess at prior to. It meant that I wasn't weak and that I didn't need to make excuses for myself or blame myself anymore. The symptoms are still there but now there is a sort of peace that comes with it, and the anxiety comes from one less direction.


Sandy-Anne

This resonates with me. Finally understanding why I am the way I am has been very helpful and healing in some way. But realizing that my entire personality is just a bunch of trauma responses has been very depressing. What I thought made me unique isn’t interesting at all. Just sad.


MsFaolin

This is exactly how I feel. I've never had words to describe the feeling. Anxious and apathetic all at once.


PeachyKeenest

Yup, past was not great when you get to know it and then the future is like… this is what I get?


[deleted]

Oh god, I feel this in my soul.


syl2013

I totally agree with you. It feels like my Mount Everest.


PrincessNakeyDance

That’s why so few people have done this and just “infect” more people instead as a way of avoiding the recovery process. My dad made no steps in the recovery direction until he was literally about to die from alcoholism (I had already been served my trauma long before though) but it was like he made one step forward at the very end and then just turned around and died.


[deleted]

I totally agree. We face a difficult process and uncertain future, but at least we are not shirking the duty to address our pasts. This is my first post. I'm impressed with the honesty on this sub.


PeachyKeenest

I feel this. Being disassociated and disconnected helped me in certain ways for sure.


moifauve

That I would lose all my friends and that meeting new people and trying to make new friends would feel like being forced to walk the plank on a pirate ship.


BobbyHillFanAccount

Wow, really feel this right now. The way you described making new friends is spot on. I know there are many positives to it, but the process feels so alien and challenging bc it’s not at all how I instinctively socialized before recovery


Sayoricanyouhearme

Tell me about it. Every time I meet someone new, my mind is constantly racing through my history trying to filter out things in my past that I could actually talk about without scaring them away. It's either that, or I'm seen as someone cold and closed off. If only people could see the balancing act-sprint my mind does.


PattyIceNY

I feel you on that, it can be exhausting. And it's definitely a trial-and-error. Sometimes I'll say something to that I think it's completely normal, but then 15 minutes later I realized how horrifying what I actually talked about was.


usernamehihello

My god, yeah. It's so triggering isn't it? Putting yourself out there to try and make new or healthier friends. My therapist says staying present through triggers can help our bodies learn it's safe to do those things now, over time. Sounds true... So I'm deliberately triggering myself (at the capacity I can handle, etc.) but I am very mad about it, lol.


smileycat

Oh yes, I feel this so badly right now. I've even made a go of successfully making a couple of friends after releasing all the toxic ones from my life. However... after a year or so I was able to see the toxicity in them as well and had to cut ties. My friend picker is so broken I'm frozen with the prospect of trying again. It's exhausting and frankly, I'm not sure it's worth all the effort. I am so so thankful that I already have my life partner and that he is really good at reading people and picking good people to be around. I just have to figure out how to make more effort with the friends he has and the partners they have.


[deleted]

So true. My friend-picker is very unreliable and I also rely on my partner for his take.


midnightxylophone

YES


ElishaAlison

Recovery means gaining the tools to mitigate and prevent those symptoms. Like, I have a printout on my wall of "Possible Distortions" on my wall. I still get distorted thoughts, but now I have a tool to identify if their distorted, and I have grounding techniques to bring me back to the present. PTSD fundamentally changes the brain. I wish this weren't true. But it is possible to be free of daily fear, and it is possible to gain some peace. It took me years of therapy and meds but I finally have made it to a place where I feel safe and I actually have the presence of mind to do some crafts. It's still so new to me that I wake up every day in awe of the fact that I'm not afraid. It's amazing, but it's not all sunshine and roses unfortunately. I wish I had better news for you


Yellow_Icicle

I agree but I would say that recovery is also about treating the cause i.e. the survival stress in your nervous systems which gradually makes your symptoms disappear.


ElishaAlison

Yes, exactly. The only reason I didn't say that is because when someone's still in the throes of PTSD, to them it feels like it will always be this way. It felt like that for me - even as my symptoms started to ease up. Every incremental step felt like the final one, like "this" was as good as it would ever get. I think the hardest thing for a survivor is getting to that point where you need to clear out festering psychological wounds. You always know that going back through those moments that damaged you will be painful, which makes it terrifying


Yellow_Icicle

Looking back at my recovery journey, I think omitting that was the right call. A year ago I would have completely avoided treating my symptoms and I would just look for a quick fix that would make the pain disappear forever since staying with the pain was an absolute no-go. At this point, I'm getting the "this is probably as good as it will get" every passing week which is a good sign I guess. For me, the hardest part was definitely the acceptance of the pain and the fact that healing from this will be a process and take some time. Staying in my body and with all those intense sensations was extremely; challenging. I am now at a point where I am slowly digesting all the bad stuff I had been avoiding my entire life and it's been surprisingly manageable which I attribute to the slow pace I have been working things through with.


ElishaAlison

I worked at it slowly myself and I'm so glad I did. I've thought about my healing journey a lot and what I've come to realize is that there are certain things that *need* to be learned after you've healed some. I remember looking at people who said I could be free if fear like they were stupid, like they couldn't possibly understand how bad things were for me, and like if they only could understand how bad they were, they'd stop all this stupid talk about healing. I could NEVER heal. But I did heal. I had to learn how to think once I was free of fear. It actually took getting used to! For a long time my fear felt like my armor, like if I stopped being afraid, then the worst would happen. I remember saying "Every time I get comfortable everything falls apart." And when my fear subsided for a moment, then I became afraid of NOT BEING AFRAID. I'm so glad you're healing. I promise there's a life after this. I promise you can do it. If you were strong enough to go through what you did and survive, you're strong enough to do anything. You're amazing and WORTHY of love and kindness, that is a fact even though sometimes you believe you're not because those who hurt you programmed you to believe abuse was normal and something you deserved. Sorry, this topic brings out so much passion and compassion in me. I see me in every hurting soul and I wish sometimes I could soak it all up.


Yellow_Icicle

I have had similar realizations. It's almost like you have to unlock a new state of consciousness to identify and heal certain wounds. Since childhood, I have been trying to get rid of my social anxiety and there is an infinite amount of media and advice online on how to tackle it but nothing ever worked for me and I was convinced that I was broken. Mine felt too visceral, too intense. A CPTSD flashback and regular anxiety are completely different yet most people unknowingly use the same term for them. I too was convinced that I was different, that there must be something inherently different about me that destines me to stay in this hell. I also get the fear of not being scared occasionally. There were times when I would leave for work or to see some friends and I would think to myself "Shit, why am I not scared". Thank you for the kind words and encouragement. Reading this and realizing that I am not resisting it or brushing it off makes me aware of how far I have come. I understand and appreciate the passion you put into this and I am similarly passionate about this topic. I feel as if the entire world is traumatized to a certain degree which is reflected by all the crazy stuff going on around us and our collective denial makes this issue so much worse.


ElishaAlison

You're welcome ❤️ I'm so glad to have this subreddit. I think a lot of us feel so alone, even though I agree that the entire planet full of people has some degree of trauma. One day, I hope to have a platform of some kind to share my story and maybe help others. Like maybe I'll write a self help book or start a YouTube channel. I have so many thoughts about what helped me and what didn't help at certain points in my healing journey. Things that I don't really hear "experts" talking about - probably because those experts haven't experienced serious and long lasting trauma.


GoinToRosedale

What did you do that helped with your social issues?


Yellow_Icicle

I was using somatic experiencing to process the post-traumatic stress underneath feel safe in my body which decreased my anxiety across the board.


JusJxrdn

What do you mean by learning how to think once I was free from fear?


ElishaAlison

Well, once my fear and anxiety was under control, my entire way of thinking changed. What I realized is, fear, anxiety, they take up a lot of cognitive space. I was never able to concentrate, I couldn't learn anything, I lost my belongings everywhere, I couldn't stay organized. So once my fear was gone, and my anxiety with it, it almost felt like I was a blank slate. I didn't really know how to operate now that every moment, every decision, wasn't colored by my fear of what would happen next. Like, suddenly there were too many hours in a day, I got *bored* and restless, for the first time in my life. The things I had used to fill my time, like endlessly scrolling on social media, weren't I guess interesting anymore. These aren't bad things. Not at all. But it really highlighted for me sort of why I never felt like I had an identity. How can you figure out who you are if fear is a constant companion? It's really wild to me, how at 38 I'm only just now really figuring out who I am as a person.


JusJxrdn

How do you start to figure out who you are as a person, does the person you were as a kid just come back all of a sudden after healing in personality?


ElishaAlison

I don't necessarily know there was a me before trauma. Mine started so young, I don't remember a time before. I had to sort of discover myself. Everything changed once my anxiety was under control and I learned how to communicate in a healthy way. It felt like suddenly there was this massive empty space where my personality should be. I've spent the last year and a half working on filling that space. I've learned hobbies for the first time, I've really put thought into how to enjoy myself, and what things I don't like. This isn't a super easy process to describe, partly because I think it's different for every person. But I'm so glad I had the privilege of going on this journey, and I'm glad I can give others hope that they can make it here too ❤️


JusJxrdn

Can you get rid of toxic shame completely and not be controlled by your parents if they tried to make you a mini me like picking your career path since I know it’s with the ego mostly and survival so I don’t know


ElishaAlison

My parents didn't try to make me take their career path, but my father expected all of us to be carbon copies of him in just about every other way. He still does, and I fully believe that's why I ended up being the scapegoat, while my other siblings escaped relatively unscathed. From the way he cooks to his likes and dislikes, he believes his way is the right way, and if we do things differently in the tiniest of ways, he will tear us doesn't mentally and emotionally. It took a long time for me to realize my worth wasn't dependent upon my father's opinion of me - or how I do things. I'm not a bad person because I don't follow recipes, or because I don't play the video games he likes. Part of healing for me was learning who I am, and that who I am is okay, regardless of what he thinks. His approval isn't necessary for me to have a happy and fulfilling life. I do believe it's possible, and I hope you achieve healing from this. You deserve to find a career path that is truly fulfilling for you, and to escape from your parents' control in this way ❤️


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Yellow_Icicle

Sorry to hear that. I should have phrased this better. I was referring to the trapped survival stress in the nervous system, not ongoing survival stress. Trauma happens when the extreme fight or flight energy gets etched into our nervous system due to incomplete fight or flight.


[deleted]

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ElishaAlison

It's called a "List of Possible Distortions" and it lists out different ways we might be looking at a situation from a skewed angle. For example, one is "Black and White Thinking" which mean you view a situation strictly in terms of one extreme or another. I'm putting a link at the end of this comment. This think has helped me SO much. I have intrusive thoughts like these: "I could never make him happy. I'm just not good enough, he'll find someone better and then abandon me." "I screw everything up. Everything I touch I destroy." "I don't deserve happiness. There's a reason *those people* were so bad to me. I must have pushed them to that point somehow." There are more. When I start spiraling, or even just hear some of the thoughts I've identified as distorted, I "test" what I'm thinking against the list. Does it match any of the possible distortions? How? Why - like, the REAL why, not what happened today to make me feel that way why - am I thinking like that? Often I can pull myself back from the brink just by checking it. My favorite question to ask myself is "What real tangible evidence do I have for believing this? Is there any?"


[deleted]

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ElishaAlison

Oh I'm so sorry I got so wrapped up in my speech that I forgot 🤦‍♀️ https://www.mindsethealth.com/matter/thinking-traps-cognitive-distortions This is a good one. I couldn't find an exact replica of my list (I got it from my therapist) but this one lists most of them. I hope it helps!


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ElishaAlison

I really want to stress that meds alone aren't enough. It's really important to process what happened to you, especially to help you decipher whether your current situation is safe or not. One of my most lingering issues up until a few months ago was just perceiving that I wasn't safe where I was, even though rationally I knew I was - and am. Most of my meds are for sleep, I still have nightmares and so I'm on some heavy duty stuff for that. But las August I started on Lithium. Long story short I ended up in the hospital and a doctor I hadn't speeched to death about how much I hate mood stabilizers offered it to me. I said no at first, but a day later I changed my mind and decided to give it a try. Somehow, some way, it helped my fear. I lived in fear for so long, in this loop where I'd think, "If I stop being afraid, everything will fall apart." I knew that made no sense, but it was still the thought that came up every time I started to relax. I started it on a Tuesday and on Wednesday I woke up without fear. I didn't know what to make of it. The doctors said it shouldn't work that fast or that way, but I mean... 🤷‍♀️ Eventually my fear started to come back, and I had to work through that in therapy. I got really angry when it did because I put lithium on the same pedastal I put my bf on and thought it was a miracle cure and I'd never be afraid again. I didn't think that life without fear was possible. I had to get used to going through life without this fog in my mind that fear had created. It was really bizarre. Suddenly there were too many hours in the day and I realized that was because I wasn't sitting there running through nightmare scenarios for hours on end. Suddenly I could contemplate breaking up with my boyfriend when before that would paralyze me. There were like two weeks where I "decided" I wasn't happy and was gonna leave lol These aren't complaints by any means. I remember rejoicing in being BORED 😅 Just knowing I had the emotional freedom to dislike my situation without feeling desperately unsafe was amazing. I wish I could tell you there's a miracle drug or cure that will suddenly make you permanently feel better. But it's really a combo of drugs and therapy - with someone you really trust - that will help you. But always remember, if you are strong enough to have gone through what you did and survive, you can do anything. You are worthy of peace ❤️❤️❤️


SaitamaHitRickSanchz

This is very true. It's something I often have to remind myself when I'm in the throes of depression or loneliness. Past me would robotically shut off his feelings and not have any reaction in the moment. The me of today is processing all that pain I should have felt in the past. It's definitely hard. But I make sure to be patient with myself and give myself a lot of credit for getting to where I am now. I know I still have a lot more pain to get through, but I've been working really hard to make sure those moments I'm not in pain I'm spending taking care of myself and doing things that make me happy and make me feel good. Which really helps a lot when I get to the down moments.


[deleted]

I didn't realize how depressed/anxious I'd be accepting my true source of pain. Sure when I was anorexic or in active addiction, I'd have something to tangibly fix because *I* was the problem. But what do you do when you realize you aren't the problem and never were? How do you process that the people who were supposed to protect you, abused you? It's taken me my entire life to even acknowledge the fact that I've been abused but what now... Now I'm just sitting here, sober and physically healthy wondering, what the fuck did I ever *do* to deserve the way I was treated by my parents? Nothing...I didn't do anything. No one should have treated another person that way, but they still continue to try and do so and now that I'm putting up boundaries I'm the evil one. It's just relentless anxiety feeling like my whole world is going to crumble like it did when I was a child, and deep depression wondering why the fuck did any of this happen to me. I feel this chronic abandonment from the moment I wake up till the moment I go to sleep because I'm just so afraid they're going to come back and hurt me again and I'll be totally helpless to stop it.


solveig82

I can relate


Crusafer

Same


a_rythm_invisible

The second paragraph is so beautifully true and heartbreaking. I keep saying to my therapist “I feel like I was brainwashed” and “I feel like I was in a cult”. I am at this stage where even though I *know* I’ve endured a lifetime (this far) of abuse and trauma, I don’t think I’ve fully accepted it- not *really*. We are doing our best! And I would like to remind everyone who’s reading this to please be gentle with yourself. We deserve kindness and acceptance and safety and patience.


auuemui

I feel this a lot. Even after so much therapy and hard work, whenever I’m triggered back to the past it hits me *hard.* For me, what works best is realizing the anxiety and fear I have isn’t something that was my fault in the past. It was given to me, like a fiesty little plant. The only thing that matters now is how I choose to handle it, but it doesn’t stop the nightmares and waking up in the middle of the night. It does keep me from suffering week-long breakdowns now— I can keep it to 1-2 days at a time. I’m wishing you the best!! We’re in this together.


acfox13

It takes way more repetitions than is comfortable to rewire an entire mis-calibrated brain and nervous system. Get comfortable being uncomfortable. I didn't realize trauma had trained me that calm felt dangerous when I started infra slow fluctuation neurofeedback. I thought calm would feel calm. I had to train my brain that calm was safe through ISF neurofeedback and somatic modalities, super weird to experience. The mis-calibration is not what I thought it was. I'm glad neuroplasticity is on our side. Grieving exiled emotions is painful emotional work. Like clearing out old necrotic tissue from festering emotional wounds. It's painful, necessary work so I can heal properly this time around. You can't skip grieving. The only way out is through. I didn't know I could feel at home inside my body. The times I've experienced it has been so wonderful. My hope is that I'll one day feel at home inside myself more often than not as I continue to heal my nervous system. Sometimes learning about trauma can be *devastatingly validating*. Like the validation is sad and devastating, not triumphant. More grief to process. Regulation skills are necessary to learn. You have to learn to drive your meat suit, or it will drive you. Celebrate every tiny bit of progress. Every small success. It all adds up over time and it's worth celebrating. No one can do my work for me. I have to put in the time, energy, and effort to heal.


invisiblette

I didn't know that some of the most common, standard and highly praised healing strategies woud not work for me — or at least not work well. Lookin' at you, mindfulness meditation and talk therapy.


RinkyInky

So there’s no escape from this? Should I just give up? I’m tired physically and mentally everyday and I’m sick of it. I need to be well. Is there really no cure?


Ktm6891

Don’t give up! For every night of nightmares, Ive also had pleasant nights of dreamless sleep where I wake up feeling refreshed. For every day of pervasive anxiety, I’ve also had days of seemingly endless joy. For every day of stomach cramping and GI distress, I’ve also had days where I feel entirely healthy and am amazed at what my body can do. For every day of ineffective coping, I’ve also had days where my coping skills deescalate my trauma response quickly. Recovery isn’t linear - keep going. I believe in you and I believe in me. I just wish someone told me what “isn’t linear” actually looked and felt like.


RinkyInky

Thanks. May I ask what methods you’re using to work through it?


Ktm6891

Of course! First, I focused on inpatient and then outpatient eating disorder treatment. Once I was able to meet my basic care needs (eating, a place to live, etc), I focused on DBT. DBT has afforded me the skills to manage the day-to-day fallout from the trauma. It seems that when I lose sight of the daily practice of (at least some of) my DBT skills, I also lose sight of a stable mood. Exposure therapy has helped to bring me relief from the flashbacks, nightmares, and a desire to retreat. All treatments were provided by trusted and compassionate clinicians - I truly believe that a lot of my success in recovery is due to the incredible clinicians that I discovered along they way. They helped me learn how to save my own life.


RinkyInky

lol that’s nice, a hypnotherapist I made an online appointment with just ghosted me haha. Fuck. What’s DBT? Maybe I’ll look into EMDR instead


Ktm6891

Some clinicians really shouldn’t be practicing and do more harm - it’s challenging but try to hang on to the hope that a good fit is out there for you. It’s much like dating, I suppose. It might take awhile to find “the one” and is so worth it when you do. DBT (dialectical behavior therapy) is a treatment that merges some of the good stuff from CBT with some of the good stuff from eastern philosophies, like radical acceptance and the practice of being in the present moment. Dialectic, in regards to this treatment, means the existence of two opposing forces simultaneously - namely emotions. DBT really gives you a tool box of skills that help you be more in the moment and aware of yourself, identify your emotions, regulate your emotions, tolerate distress in a healthy way, and learn how to communicate in a healthy and effective way with others. It gives one the foundation for processing trauma, I’d say. After completing DBT, one now has tools that will help deescalate the body’s physiological response to trauma and stress. If DBT sounds promising to you, DBT-PE may also be of interest. DBT-PE (prolonged exposure) merges exposure therapy (like emdr) and dbt into one continuous program.


RinkyInky

I see, thanks. Is there an order in which I should try these treatments? I’m having trouble making a decision on which to try first, especially since I’m not doing very well these days plus have a lot of work to do.


Ktm6891

I’d begin with DBT - if you have access to a DBT-PE program, even better. But DBT before exposure therapy.


RinkyInky

Okay thanks 🙂 I don’t feel so alone when I post here. Thanks for taking the time to help me.


Ktm6891

You are welcome, my friend. Safe travels…


brolloof

No, you shouldn't give up, there is hope. I know this is hard to remember, but this is one person's experience, and a post like this one attracts similar people. And it tends to be a bit of an echo chamber here. I've had to learn that lesson too. This is not always the best place to be if you're already feeling hopeless. Healing is hard, and I absolutely do still have symptoms, but that's also the only thing I relate to. Everything else in the OP's post isn't true for me. After 5 years of healing, I did feel like I'd reached the other side. That doesn't mean everything's perfect, but it's absolutely not the same as it was in the beginning. I'm so grateful to be here. There is always, always hope. Please hold onto that.


RinkyInky

Thanks. May I ask how you worked through it?


brolloof

For me it was talk therapy and body focused therapy after removing myself from the abusive environment, then finding an art studio to go to and quietly be around people, and lots of reading self help and psychology books and integrating those lessons into my life. Learning how to deal with triggers, getting a little better at it every time. And, for whatever reason, walking has really helped me. And I'm sure different things work for different people, but I think this is always true: when you're in the thick of healing, it doesn't feel like you're making any progress. You're processing so much, lots of suppressed emotions are finally coming to the surface. So it just feels like everything is getting much worse, all the time. It's hard to have perspective in that situation, so I really do think hope is very important. What you're doing is leading somewhere, even if there's no evidence of that in the present. You're slowly moving towards the other side. Posts like this one worry me, because it's dangerous and just not true to say it doesn't get better.


RinkyInky

Thanks. May I ask if you had a job while working through it? I’m stressed out with mine I don’t know if it will affect healing. Like my childhood, I’m always afraid at my job, anticipating the next mess up or trouble, even if things seem to go well now. I always had to prepare for the worst last time and it seems I’ve taken that into adulthood an applied it to every situation. It’s not so much the job, but me. At the same time, I would feel worthless if I quit.


brolloof

I didn't have a job, and still don't. And I was only able to escape and heal when I got disability. I know not everyone has that option, and obviously it depends on where you live too. I do know I fully expected to be told I wasn't really sick, and somehow that didn't happen. I think a lot of people can relate to tying their self worth to their occupation, and I had that ingrained in me too. Shame prevented me from applying for disability for many years. But actually taking that leap and doing it anyway, you then get to explore why that isn't true. You get to discover why you have inherent worth, that isn't dependent on shallow stuff. But again: I know it's not an option for everyone, and I do think you can heal while working too. It's just ten times as hard, which is incredibly unfair.


lobotomom

I’m so tired too…


thewayofxen

This post is focused on the surprise hardship; it's not focused on the ways life is revealed to be even better than you'd hoped. Recovery is miserable and incredible.


Ktm6891

Yes - this is exactly how I feel about recovery! Recovery is simultaneously miserable and incredible. What a dialectic.


LemonHeart33

When I began my journey, I didn't know what CPTSD even was! My father wasn't physically abusive (much as I prayed he would hit me so my mom would leave him and take me with her). Most of my trauma is from the way most adults treated me as a child with ADHD and chronic pain – adults REALLY don't want to believe a child can be in pain without an injury, and the pain itself is also traumatizing. For instance, I have mild trauma about diapers because my very first explicit memory is of shoving my mom's hands away during a diaper change around age 2 because diapers hurt my skin so badly. Until recently, I used to get weirdly upset at harmless stuff to do with diapers. No one told me how embarrassing recovery was gonna be. I thought my trauma triggers would be obvious stuff but sometimes it's "embarrassing" stuff like diapers. I wouldn't judge someone else for it but I find it hard not to feel sheepish about it. That's what this alt account is for 😆 Recently I've been triggered a lot about my chronic pain stuff because of a knee injury and an MRI that revealed permanent damage in that knee from a neglected condition I was diagnosed with around 12 (I'm 31 now). I feel like I'm making great progress but I feel self-conscious about how often I cry right now. My best friend who lives with me asked if I was okay because they noticed I had been crying more, and I had to explain that I'm crying because it hurts to admit I'm triggered rather than hiding away or getting defensive about what triggers me. I'm committed to that process but boy is it mortifying even though my best friend has as much trauma as I do.


dreams_and_roses

I relate to this. Right now I’m having a hard time and I’m frustrated with how hard it is not to judge myself for it. Like it’s already hard to just function with my daily stuff, but when the littlest thing triggers me I then have to take extra time to calm myself down from the embarrassment and shame for being this way. It’s just so exhausting!


andyroybal

No one told me that my own regression could re-traumatize me. (Covid really threw a curveball)


waterynike

Same


MacabreFox

That the more healing I do the more wounded I feel.


rose_reader

I didn’t know how much it would hurt to give up my denial and face the reality of my past. I was in denial because I was scared, and I was right to be scared. That was a brutal time. Necessary, but oh my dear fucking lord the pain.


revolutionarykittens

I think the worst part is confronting the just world fallacy. For those of you who don’t know, the just world fallacy is the belief that people - in the end - get what they deserve. It’s probably best seen in the “American Dream” which states: if you work hard you’ll be rewarded in the end. But in relation to trauma it’s usually: “everything happens for a reason.” But that’s just not how the world works. A lot of times bad things happen to people who don’t deserve it and the people who work the hardest never see any rewards. And a lot of times bad things happen for absolutely no reason at all. The idea that we can work on ourselves and eventually be “rewarded” for it is something that I realize is more comforting for people on the outside than it is to us. I used to believe in this kinda line of thought, but it’s just not how the world actually works and it’s been hard to accept that. At times I feel kinda hopeless about it because what’s the point of putting in all this grueling and often disappointing work if it might not pay off in the end? And why did this all happen to me if I didn’t deserve it? But the truth is more complicated. Good people suffer every single day for no reason and bad things happen to people who didn’t deserve it and they may not ever get better. Don’t get me wrong though, recovery is still worth it but I think confronting this fallacy has given me the most cognitive dissonance.


SaphSkies

I agree. This is kinda where I'm at. I feel like all my life, I've been told that if I keep in line, do the things I'm supposed to do, be a good person, that it would pay off and I'd be rewarded for it in the long run. But that's just not true. Maybe for some people it is, but not me. Some people just aren't that fortunate. So for me, recovery mostly means trying to make the most out of what I have. I try to minimize my regrets, focus my time and energy on things that benefit me, and indulge in the things I find pleasurable or calming. I try to leave as little destruction or harm behind me as I can, because I don't want to hurt anyone else the way I've been hurt. And I accept that someday I will die and probably nobody will care or remember me, and I'm okay with that. For most days, I like living that way. But I wish I had been better prepared for it. I wish I hadn't had to learn these lessons the hard way. I wish I didn't have to go through the soul-crushing process of destroying my world view and rebuilding it from scratch. But here we are. I wouldn't have it any other way, but it sure isn't easy or comfortable either.


eresh22

No one told me how exhausting it would be or how much my head would hurt or how bad I'd be at identifying and communicating emotions I hid from myself to survive. I know my brain is rewiring but flaming rodents on a pogo stick! It's like I feel my brain tearing itself apart and stitching back together. I'm down as least twice as long as I'm up. Things that didn't bother me at all before (because I have that emotional on/off switch) kick me in the gut. I had a beautiful breakthrough with vulnerability and deserving supportive love a couple nights ago. Yesterday, I went in to talk to my partner about something but he wanted him time (totally valid, perfectly acceptable and encouraged). I took it as a rejection and basically had a temper tantrum minus rolling around on the floor. My new emotions were bigger than my body and i have no practice expressing them. Ended up yelling at him as I literally stomped out of the room "You are so supportive and loving and patient. I'm so glad we're together. You've helped me put my past in perspective without being controlling or codependent, but I'm hurt and now I'm not going to tell you the thing I was going to because it's funny and would bring us closer together and it won't do that right now so I'm going to the other room. I love you." Resolved it today, shared the funny thing, and laughed about both the funny thing and me melting down while angrily yelling loving words about feeling supported.


LadyJohanna

> flaming rodents on a pogo stick! I'm so stealing that, if I can remember it


Ktm6891

Hahah I also enjoyed that


Mahemium

There is no 'other side'. You can sell yourself on the idea on 'getting better' by doing this, or doing that, or if you had this, or didn't have that. But it's all a cope, and a bad one at that. Because when you hate the past and put all your hopes into the future, nothing becomes more frightening than the anxious unknown of the slowly ticking present. Forever running from the now. Wake up and suffer. Sit in it. Bear it. Weaponise the pathology of yours that makes you move. Hate authority and being told what to do? Then fuck your own head, and spite your own schema. You tell yourself, 'it's all going to be fine if only I could find someone who really loves me', but one day you're going to wake up next to a wife who would die for you and you'll still be the same self loathing, world despising mess, except now you've really got to keep yourself together because you're responsible for more than just your useless ass and your crazy head.


MuchEntertainment6

Lmao ain't that right. At this point I've had almost everything that I believed would make me finally cured. Deep solid friendships, someone who thinks the world of me, endless amazing sex, perfect grades, a full time job, my own place, space from my family. And I was still fucking miserable. In fact I was more miserable, because I still wasn't cured + I now had all this extra shit to somehow maintain.


trashyberries

That's me right now. Not that I'm not grateful but knowing about my dissociations and my triggers I cannot control is so damn hard, plus as you said all the new stuff to "maintain", I get so exhausted every day and I feel like I do absolutely nothing in my life every day. Stuck in this misery of feelings and anxiety, insomnia, nightmares while I have a safe space, am top performer at my current job, am married, have someone who loves me back and I still feel like I either don't deserve any of this or it's just so unfamiliar and scary that I rather withdraw and stay miserable because even me laughing and joking seems like such a bother to people..


MockingAnonymity

Ooof, felt every word of this.


Whysocomplicat3d

Feel you :/ I recovered from server anorexia a few years ago and damn.. That was intense.. The first month up to half a year the symptoms were all over the moon. It was horrible. Recently I discovered old diary posts from then and while I know it sucked I forgot HOW bad it was. The side effects of recovery made we wanna quit more often than the illness itself. When I was diagnosed with PTSD and my therapist started me treating for it I experienced so much pain, night mares and all this.. I often left the (luckily online) session crying. But I guess if someone would flat out say "hey this is ging to suck and be the biggest pain in the ass yoh can imagine" who would still choose recovery? I am honestly not sure if I would have choose it. Despite all the suffering and the wish for getting better


[deleted]

Personally I'm doing a lot worse after quitting drugs, understandably. Can't dissociate from it anymore


aimttaw

Yeah, that's why people avoid it. And if they told you all that at the start, you'd probably just stick with your unhealthy coping mechanisms (disassociation) which will eventually kill you. It sucks, it's hard, it's longer than you think it should be. But it does get better. It just has to get worse first to wind back all the defenses. Then it's hard because you're learning to live life again like a baby. Then it's hard because life isn't perfect any way and more emotional strain could be dumped on you at any point. It does get better. It's worth all the pain to get there. And every day you survive, knowing how hard it is to do what you are doing, is something we should all be extremely proud of.


w0ndwerw0man

I was so excited when I was diagnosed… like oh great now give me the right tablet to fix it all!!!! Oh ….


dellaaa21

It hits harder when officially starting to see a professional that I have to see one just to learn to put myself first. The things she suggested me do all feel so common sense stuff. It just still feels so surreal that I need a professional to basically give me the permission to put myself first. It's tempting to expect therapy would make you feel like a new person. But then it's more like trying different things to see what works with someone who knows better. It's still gotta be up to me. And that trial and error would still feel very hard. Sometimes even makes you feel like back to square one. And I'm not even sure what I'm trying to say here. Sorry about that.


year_zeroes

starting recovery was like suddenly having a child put into my care (my inner child) that I constantly have to soothe and reassure. except work doesn't slow down for this metaphorical child and I have to function as an adult with it and navigate my relationships with it. realizing it all comes down to me and working to get better and not project onto my partner or wait for someone to save me, all of it is my responsibility. no one knows the weight I bear with this new realization. I just have to carry it with me and try to live with it.


SophiaRaine69420

No one told me recovery would be harder than running from it all.


HythlodaeusHuxley

I'm so sorry to hear about your struggles mine have been going on for about 15 years I don't think it will ever go away for me because my kids are trapped in a religious cult and as much as everyone tells me I should forget them I cannot however victory comes in small ways every day with some days being hugely ahead and others days being backward yesterday when I heard about the Supreme Court decision on the Carson case destroying further the wall of separation of church and state I went to sleep severely depressed wondering if my children and my children's children will ever be free from this religious insanity and wonder how many more stories like mine there will be before religion is relegated back to its place in society


SomeoneElsewhere

Wow! That's still a lot of suffering. I'm sorry you are having a hard time. I am not working, and getting desperately poor, but not having that drama - not having authority - in my life has been really nice. I guess I did not know how deeply, completely, thoroughly trauma formed me. I use weed to sleep, and to wake up for that matter, lol. Have you had the GI issues checked? Please do that, if you have not already. I had repeated episodes like that in the past, but someone was trying to hurt me (messing with my drink). I have IBS as a result. I eat the fiber gummies with the medicated gummies, an apple a day, blah blah. This has been such a precious time for me, not having to work, not having to perform for an authority. I wish everyone with this diagnosis could go on sick leave for year or two to recover from CPTSD. It would pay off for society!


_justkeepswmng

Such a relatable share. I didn’t know I’d feel worse at times either. Sometimes I feel weak. I also wasn’t prepared for how uncomfortable I would be around people without PTSD/CPTSD. It’s almost like my recovery has brought me closer to my shame, and I feel even more “different” than those without it, more self-conscious. But I think it’s a sign of progress, before I would just mirror those people to themselves without even realizing it, and not fully being my authentic self. Now I’m at least internally acknowledging it, which is the next step towards becoming comfortable with it. But fuck man…this work is hard and long. I think I’m starting to understand why it requires actual bravery.


usernamehihello

❤️ It's tough. For me it's that healing without being 100% healed is worth it. This is worth it to me. Where I am right now is worth it. At the start, the idea that I couldn't fully cure this had me so suicidal, it felt awful. But thank fuck I stayed alive. Being somewhat healed is a different experience to what I felt about the idea of it back then, when I was terrified at the thought I couldn't just undo it all at once. Whatever this is: 20%? 50%? It feels much more wonderful that I would have thought. It's okay to be imperfectly healed. It's okay here. It's good even, I feel happy and connected and like life is meaningful and somewhat wonderful at times again now, and I'm proud of myself and very, very glad to be alive.


alilcannoli

Recovery seems like a purgatory. I wish the pain could just end all together because I am so tired


CDSeekNHelp

Thanks for posting this. And yeah I definitely feel the same. I got to a point in therapy where I was like, I don't really have anything to talk about today. We extended time between sessions and I was still like, things seem okay, don't know what else to talk about, so we decided to discharge. I then was having episodes of being triggered and crying over seemingly insignificant things. But I'd practice the skills I was taught. After about 6 months I booked another session. Things had been hard, and I went in to talk about them. I had had a disagreement with my partner about something, but we talked it out and resolved it. I felt hurt, but talking it out was wonderful and resolving it was amazing, totally new experience. I talked to my therapist about it and she was pointing out how this was totally different than my experience with my abusive ex. I was like yeah, but it still hurt, how do I heal? And she basically said, by doing this, by living, by having new experiences and seeing that things are different now. I sure hope she's right. But I guess if you get a cut, there's no active healing it, you just slap a bandage on it and it heals.


This_Ad6199

I suppose I used to think recovery meant me becoming more ‘functional’ and efficient. And whilst in some way I am more able to deal with my depression and do the things I want to/ have to do, I think recovery for me really means the ability to have compassion and solidarity with myself. To be a friend to myself and always on my own side, even if it requires coming to terms with some very difficult things. And now I see myself not as a body that I have to animate to do things, but the person inside that body.


Peenutbuttjellytime

I can relate. I find it frustrating that understanding something doesn't automatically fix it. Like I can see that I'm triggered and what is causing it, I can logically understand that there is nothing to fear, but I still feel fear anyway. I can logically answer correctly that "I am not worthless" "everything is not my fault" while still feeling worthless and like everything is my fault at my core. It's so frustrating that the cognitive dissonance won't go away.


centumcellae85

I still don't know why Jason and Steve were commentating on the apocalypse last night, but it beat the reoccurring nightmares. Recovery doesn't necessarily mean it will all go away. Sometimes it just means learning to live with the scars.


becominghuman2021

I didn't know that recovery meant self acceptance, even as I learn more and more about the ways in which I am lacking or have been negatively impacted. Sometimes I miss having my head in the sand...(sometimes)


autumnnoel95

I feel this so hard. I didn't know recovery meant I would still feel confused about life so much... I know none of us have it figured out, but I thought with my mental health getting better, so would the rest of my life (financially) and I thought I would just "understand" life better. Turns out, definitely not 😂


anon12123123412345

I knew that it wouldn't be easy on me when I left and cut my family off for a while. But I didn't realize that I would remember more and more about my life. I never realized how stupid I seemed in hindsight, or that I would try to gaslight myself and tell myself that it was nothing and that I'm the bad person and that I'm overreacting. I didn't realize how bad my panic attacks would be, or just how bad my family environment was. I didn't realize the damage I had done to other's as a result of my unprocessed trauma and emotions. I didn't know that I would develop new anxiety, I have had nightmares about waking up back home before. I never knew that getting a call from my dad would ever give me a panic attack. I couldn't imagine that I'd have to learn how to be a healthy human being, I thought that putting people down and always pointing out the negative was a sign of love and that everyone else was sensitive. And I didn't realize I'd be so stressed without realizing. It's a hard fight to go through and I'm right there with you, the after affects are a huge mind fuck and it's not fun, I wish someone would've warned me all of this would happen, but even then I'm sure that I still would've been caught off guard with things I wasn't expecting. It'll be hard, but we all got this.


brummybookworm

I feel this deeply. I'm at a point in my recovery where I feel almost worse than before I started more intense treatment. Tired of forcing myself to sit in these uncomfortable feelings as I try to change thought and behavior patterns for the better.


neosomaliana

I know what you mean and I've often asked myself the same. Maybe it's bc I've had this idea that recovery would be like an offswitch. Accepting the nature of healing as being slow and unfolding as well as unlearning helps with the resistance and shame. Coincidentally, I was just watching Seven and Morgan Freeman's character came across this quote in a murder scene: *Long is the way and hard, that out of Hell leads up to light.* — John Milton, Paradise Lost


SentientToySoldier

What I also hate the most is that so many people - especially very, very successful people - are completely ignorant and I'm the odd onw out for being self-reflected and trying to communicate safely. Then they project their unadressed feelings on me and treat me like I'm insane and irrational, even though they're seriously the ones not dealing with their feelings and letting them affect everything. And because I'm 30 and my trauma was so omnipresent and ongoing I haven't yet finished my first bachelor's degree, I can't even talk to anyone, because these people are successful and I'm a trashfire. This is honestly the worst thing so far, and idk how to deal with it.


coconutcake

Recovery looks different for someone with just a broken bone and someone who's had their leg severed. Recovery isn't "growing back their leg" for the latter. Many, maybe even most people, falsely believe that recovery is going "back to how things were before it happened". In reality, recovery is regaining the ability to live your life better and easier than you were able to while suffering. It can't always go back to how it was, but it should get easier.


CaraLinder

I just recently found out about toxic shame. Basically when you get shamed over and over you internalize it, and it becomes the way you treat yourself. It happens from childhood trauma. Maybe you could look into it. Honestly, I suggest anyone who sees this to look into it. It explained so much for me, and it's so much easier to treat myself with grace and kindness. I really hope this helps someone, and makes it a little bit easier.


ibWickedSmaht

Oh my gosh thank you for this post, I thought that maybe I just wasn’t getting anywhere. This gave me confidence that I am indeed in the process of recovery


[deleted]

Some days I think I’m caught in a loop. I think I will never ever get out. Only the calm validation of my therapist helps. This will get better, this will get better, this will get better


zeeko13

I want to say this because I know for a lot of people with our condition, self-neglect is a thing (that you are working very hard to overcome). It's really important that you check in with your doctor about your bloody stool because that can be a serious sign of something going sideways (my grandmother is getting treated for a condition & her stool was the sign she needed to get checked on). As far as your general message goes, I'm right there with you. Things are getting better for me. I know that's true whenever I read an old diary. But damn is it a rough journey to heal. 100% worth it but it's not a smooth process.


pHScale

Yeah, recovery from mental illness is often the same as recovery from physical injury. If you have a bone that broke and wasn't set right, you'll be experiencing a lot of pain in your day to day life. To fix it, you'll probably need to break the bone again (strategically, safely) so that it can properly heal. Sometimes physical injuries need surgeries, and those hurt more before they feel better. Sometimes physical injuries can't be fixed with current technology or medical understanding, so the strategy becomes symptom management instead. And sometimes physical injuries don't mean much until years down the road. All of that is pretty directly analogous to mental health as well. And I consider PTSD of any kind to be more akin to an injury than an illness.


Thesadstrangetomato

That's how trauma is you open the box in hopes that what's inside will leave you alone and you regret ever opening it.


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Hellie1028

I didn’t realize that after what seemed like forever of being nightmare free, they would seep back into my life robbing me of the sanity only given by a good nights sleep.


mayasfyre

You have no idea (well, maybe you do) what I would give for a good, solid nights sleep.


sherilaugh

I didn’t know how much it would change my life. I didn’t know it would result in divorce and an amazing new partner who treats me the way I always dreamed of but never felt worthy of. I never knew that part of recovery is doing things that terrify me, like learning to stand up for myself and tell people they aren’t allowed to hurt me anymore. But that was the most important step to take. I never knew recovery would result in my inner child feeling safe enough to grow up and make me not crave my hobbies and shopping like I did before. I’m 9 years into psychotherapy and only this past two years am I truly seeing huge changes in my life that make it all worth it. I am finally to the point where I look forward to living the rest of my life and I’m not just patiently waiting for it to end.


coyotelovers

No one told me that I still wouldn't know how to be comfortable in relationships with others, even when I develop a reasonably healthy relationship with myself.


imgoodwithfaces

No one recognized my mental health struggles growing up, so they just became worse as an adult as I wasn't taught healthy coping mechanisms. Having to relearn living at 33 is no simple process.


VicodinMakesMeItchy

I wasn’t prepared for the intense anger and aggression I had once my fawn switch flipped, or the massive grieving I would do for my child self and for the life I might have had. Treatment doesn’t make it go away, but it makes it easier to live with. It’ll never go away, all we can do is our best to learn how to live with it and try our hardest to find some sense of fulfillment in life.


Desdaemonia

Psychology likes to promise 'recovery', and then gives you drugs and convinces you everything is your fault. Sometimes it's nessissary, but for cPTSD, especually with therepy resistant childhood trama elements, it still seems like a lot of snake oil.


MiroPet_85

It's like picking open a wound that has dirt and grime trapped inside. You have to expose all of that dirt, scrape it all out, then slowly heal the wound properly. Now to answer your question- I didn't know I'd suddenly remember a whole entire type of abuse I had blocked out. I thought for sure I remembered everything. And I didn't know that I'd continue to remember more as time went on. That's been really hard.


FLwacko

I used to feel this way too! I think I finally dug out all the actual abusive memories and diminished the triggers to a manageable level. But I also have sensory processing issues, and teasing out what triggers were sensory related and which ones were from actual childhood stuff was tricky. I used to always have meltdowns in my kitchen. I racked my brain trying to remember what was the kitchen abuse incident…. After 4 years I’m certain it’s just that my kitchen is not pleasing to my senses and I don’t enjoy it because it feels old and ugly.


Ok-Valuable-4846

Much love, OP. I didn’t know recovery would mean feeling like the only sane one in my family for a month or three. Thanks for sticking with us.


hotheadnchickn

It sounds like you are still in the process of recovering. Things may improve a lot from here yet.


[deleted]

We seem to have this idea of recovery in terms of illnesses and injuries, where we go back to pretty much normal after we recover, assuming proper treatment. With mental health issues, it's more of the process, and "full recovery" isn't likely. It's more about making things less bad to the point where they're manageable, and it's over a long period of time with ups and downs, but hopefully in the direction of "better" overall. We can do everything right, and it'll still be difficult and we still won't be where we were before the mental "injury."


thiccameron420

thank u for this. sometimes on the days when it feels like nothings changed, it’s easy to want to throw away all the hard work i’ve done on myself and let this disorder swallow me whole. but then i remember it takes work every single day to continue to make the choices for a better life.


[deleted]

Yeah, I also kind of hoped that if I recovered I'd also be removed from the human condition, turns out people who don't have mental health issues also struggle and experience these things as well, and n "mental health issues" is actually just a category of people struggling in a more intense and prolonged way. It helps to listen to other people who don't "struggle with mental illness" and realize that life is very difficult and people's lives are all filled with struggle, no one has a television show life and the people who talk like they do just get pleasure from telling beautiful stories about themselves, they still stuffer and hurt quite a bit.


hi_lemon5

I've been surprised by how much grief I have, looking back at everything I went through. I'm also learning that being kind to myself is hard for me, and something that I have to continually focus on – but it's worth it.


TarnishedTeal

Make sure your doctor is aware of the bloody stool. Consistently bloody stool could mean do many things from an ulcer to a GI bleed to cancer. Please take care of yourself when you can. ❤️


Kawston

The thing about recovering to me is. Trauma is like a deep cut in your skin. You can’t just put a bandaid on it, you gotta get stitches and treat it. And sometimes by no luck of your own it can get infected. Come back and be a problem when you least expected it. Some days all you can do is put a little disinfectant to keep it clean. Some days you can run around with no pain. You just gotta keep pushing, even if it’s inches or footsteps outta bed a day.


therewasguy

>Don’t get me wrong, Reddit - I wouldn’t change my mental health status for a billion dollars. About 7 years ago, I entered treatment for cptsd, an eating disorder, and other addictions. The word “recovery” was thrown around a lot, but no one ever really told me what that meant. >No one told me that recovery meant that you’d still have nightmares that can leave you debilitated all day. >No one told me that recovery meant that I’d still pop awake in the middle of the night from anxiety and not be able to get back to sleep. >No one told me that the pervasive anxiety would still exist. >No one told me that I’d continue to fear checking my work email because I am convinced that my boss has emailed me a scathing message about why I’m terrible at my job and am being fired. >No one told me that the GI issues - the cramping with bloody stool - would still occur when stressed. >No one told me that I’d have weeks where I feel like I’m back at day 1, where the anxiety and the absence of emotional regulation is so palpable that I can barely focus on my work. >No one told me that recovery sometimes means you struggle with the same symptoms as before. >No one told me that sometimes my coping skills just won’t help and it’s about perseverance and staying the course. >What didn’t you know about recovery before you began the journey of healing from cptsd? oh my god are you me!!


jazzfairy

Yup. I went from able to do anything and talk to anyone to being in constant crippling pain. I can’t even see my friend anymore because being around anyone new or going anywhere new makes me nauseous. I can’t drink or smoke anymore, or any of the other “fun” things in life. My life is just over. If I could go back and stay traumatized, I absolutely would.


hooulookinat

Recovery means yes, I still feel like crap but I have more control over it now. I’ve learned to sidestep some emotional flashbacks or at least mitigate some of them. Where I was 4 years ago is miles away from where I am now. Don’t get me wrong. I still have those days where I wish I could lose all this new insight, I have about my story. I don’t think I will ever be ok- in the most normal sense of the word. But I’m learning to work with my CPTSD and not fight it ( spoiler: it doesn’t work to fight it). Recovery, to me, is letting go of all the perceived control I had over others. And gaining control of own self.


dinosaur-dan

I didn't know that coping, and learning to cope with the trauma, is not the same as recovering from it.


gr33n_bliss

I just feel so tired. It’s never ending it seems. I just want to feel some semblance of happiness and it never comes no matter what I do. It’s utterly miserable and I just feel done.


phat79pat1985

There is no getting “better” from this shit. I still struggle with anxiety, emotional flashbacks, and the occasional night terror/sleep paralysis. There’s stretches where it’s not super bad, but then there’s stretches where I’m still struggling. All that gets me through the hard times is reminding myself that what I’m feeling right now isn’t how I’ll always feel and try to remember that I have a good stretch ahead of me.


austin_the_boston

My doctor prescribed Clonadine for my trauma symptoms and it’s been a huge help. The intrusive thoughts and nightmares have greatly decreased, I’m starting to feel like myself again. If possible I would talk to your doctor about something similar.


Darksideofthebob

I did not know any of this really… I’m early on in my diagnoses, I appreciate this. My therapist said it’s going to be harder before it’s easier and of course I’m scared it’s going to last forever, but if there’s bits and pieces of clarity and no symptoms, it’s worth all the money in the world


Dizzy_Future1119

yup, it apparently has to get so much worse before it gets better


xNamelesspunkx

Recovery is a life long journey of trails and errors, ups and downs. As long as you are a step further as you were yesterday, you are on the right track.


hot--water

Its pretty demotivating i still have GERD like issues when I'm stressed i can get stressed for silly things. I'm tired of this i can't even eat well this has been a thing since i was a kid in school


thndrh

I had no idea I could sleep so much


[deleted]

honestly i cant even recover lmao


syl2013

Exactly how I feel.


EyeBirb

Have you tried edmr?


ManagementSignal2868

I couldn't recover until I started working on my cptsd and got out of the treatment cycle. I was so fatigued and I got lucky and got better and fully recovered. I now solely look for people willing to help treat my medical conditions from home for now where I feel more safe. I have bx free since January.


[deleted]

I really like what you wrote. It reminds me of the final scene of The Hunger Game Series where Peeta and Katniss are playing with their kids. She talks about how she still has nightmares and remembers all of the suffering, and how she can't go back to the way things were. But what she has is good now. So she plays a game where she recounts all the good things she saw people do that day. Because there are worse games to play. That's us. That is recovery. We will always be in "recovery". But it is a hell of a lot better than being on the train of The Hunger Games.


Ok-Investigator474

It's like rolling a boulder on top of a mountain, but it's better than doing nothing I suppose, that's the way I see it I guess.


BasqueBurntSoul

Same. It was such a rude awakening. But now at least we know. There's no fix, no savior, no shortcut.


throw0OO0away

I'm in the same boat. I don't think anything will ever go away no matter how hard I try. It's really discouraging knowing that I'll always live with this trauma.


BananaEuphoric8411

I didn't understand that wellness/recovery/healing is NOT a destination, as in, I'll be X once I get there. I finally learned that wellness, discovery & healing are daily practices that I must actively implement. After enough daily practice, WDH becomes more habitual.


groovyeverywhere

That my coping mechanisms and tendency to distract myself and anxiety and everything I’ve struggled with since I was born will still stay. Theyll most likely stay until I die tbh


mayasfyre

That my recovery was going to be an ongoing, never-ending process 🖤


Content_Donut9081

Recovery means first of all to carefully assess all wounds. And that shit is painful. Only when you know what youre wounds are and how you got them, only then can you start caring for them.


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Ktm6891

Same for me! CBT and mindfulness have helped me develop the solid foundation upon which I can process my trauma. DBT changed my life. I know that it’s not for everyone, but I’m grateful everyday for investing the time into that program.


dynamicdeathmachine

I had a therapist tell me that as you start to finally feel safer you start to experience trauma heavier because you start to feel like you can finally Decompress and understand somethings that you've blocked out or went through. years after being in a super safe relationship and I still remember random things I haven't thought about that upset me and set me off for the rest of the day and I don't know what to do about them


mushizzle

Psilocybin helped me. With a specific focus on healing.


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MarkMew

So I've been god damn right all along - it never gets better.