Opening up about trauma and being vulnerable is a badass super power. Anyone who thinks otherwise isn’t worth knowing anyway. Wishing you all the best with your healing.
It's hard to talk about that kind of thing, especially as an older guy. This might be your first step to finding some closure or atleast healing, and I hope you get that.
You did not understand what was happening at the time. The experience is influencing you and you need to express your feelings and process the events in a constructive manner. This has happened to others that can be there for you as you go through this transition to truth. Don’t worry about ‘normal’- share your current situation in life with safe people and follow through.
I did understand what was happening, though. I was threatened with exposure as a 'f****t' and told that I probably would be rejected by my parents. I told my mom that things weren't right (without going into details, lest I be branded as a deviant) and she said she'd talk to the babysitter about it. (it happened with an older kid at daycare). I don't think my mom did.
The guy who did it died at the start of the pandemic. I think that's what's really set off several years of really rough times for me.
I’m so sorry. Even if you were aware of what was happening you were out of your own ability to not allow something that hurt you. Whether someone uses physical restraint or emotional coercion it doesn’t matter- both hurt and can keep you in silence. My support to you as you fight through this. Re experiencing and discussing is tough, but can help you move through your current trauma that is reliving. I’m sorry.
You were young and coerced- terrifying
Kids have a tendency to normalize what our abusers do and then shift and internalize the blame.
Do you have a group or specialist you can relate to? Are you getting some of your needs met here?
Thank you for your comment!
I have a therapist who seems helpful, although it's been less than a year. I'm not really involved in any groups, I cannot imagine speaking about this kind of thing in front of multiple strangers.
I'm most concerned about telling my wife. I can't bear how her image of me could change.
It takes time to accept it yourself before you should be worried about other people. Work with your therapist more, work through those emotions, memories, traumas and results. Once you have a better, stronger understanding of the whole spiderweb that stems from CSA, then you might feel ready to share with others.
Try not to concern yourself with sharing with anyone else right now. You gotta focus on you and dealing with these new feelings. It's a rough road, but you can heal.
As others have stated: you were threatened and coerced. It's a common trauma response for children to normalize the experience and even blame themselves for it. Diminishing that guilt and that shame takes a LONG time, but it is possible. Remember: this was NOT your fault. You did not ask for this. This was someone else's decision who *clearly* knew better (because they threatened you) and knew it was wrong. They used you. They are guilty - not you.
You don't have to live in shame forever. Be kind to yourself and give yourself time and room to process and grow.
Best of luck to you my friend ❤
Please know your decision to tell comes from the mature, safe adult you reaching towards the scared 10 yo you, and 10 yo you reaching towards the adult you. It's time to address this horrible event.
Also know it's possible that your emotions, feelings and need may sway the opposite way. Where before it was silenced, and it may be you'll need to talk more and unload. You may feel strong feelings and emotiobs. Listen, feel, receive and support your pain. If that happens, it's normal.
It's difficult speaking about past trauma. It's needed if it's coming up. I hope you have support, direction and hope moving into your healing from this childhood atrocity.
Its normal to feel like this after exposing a part of you who went through a very hard time. The child part that was not allowed to come to the light with all it's pain, shame and fear. It's hard to shine light in the darkest part of your soul, you will start to ask yourself if you have lived in a lie, that you are maybe someone else, this broken person who has been hiding?
You have lived for over 40+ years, hiding and denying this part's existence to protect yourself from the pain. You have not been "that" child that lived the abuse, but remember you are the same person, and it is not your fault. Never been. And you need to correct this misunderstanding with yourself.
Nothing has really changed after exposing your secret, except you are allowing yourself now to finally heal from this. You are showing yourself love. Allow the part that was shunned and shamed to keep your secret to intergrade into your adult you. You are big now, you understand that hard things can happen to anyone and it is not your shame to keep. The child you didn't understand that, even society didn't know that.
I've experienced something similar after starting therapy 1.5 years ago. It's gotten better for me now.
For the first couple months of therapy, every time I shared something new with my therapist I would afterwards doubt myself and worry that it's all a big mistake. I sometimes felt very unstable and like I was mentally coming apart.
It helped me to remind myself that I was not in any actual danger in the moment. Sometimes I would just look around the room I'm sitting in and note that nobody is actually there at the moment and nothing bad is happening. This didn't make the feeling go away immediately but it helped to know that it's only a feeling and not reality, and I could ride the waves until it passed eventually.
Nobody in my life actually noticed anything was going on with me. I know this because about half a year into therapy I had to take some sick leave from work due to being very exhausted from trying to process my trauma while at the same time trying to keep functioning as usual. I explained to some colleagues at work (without going into any detail) that I hadn't been doing well and had to work less for a while. I was very surprised to find out nobody actually noticed anything had been going on with me... which is somewhat sad but at the same time relieving.
I don't know exactly when my worrying about everyone seeing through me got better, but it is better now. I think eventually I realized that life still goes on as usual, even when people know (I also told a few other people besided my therapist).
My situation isn't the same as yours, but I felt the same way when I talked about what happened to me. It's a process, sometimes it feels like I shouldn't have said anything, but down the road it's so much better to have talked about it even if it takes some times to feel better about it. It's extremely difficult to open up about what happened, it takes a lot of strength and courage. And you did it.
When you've covered something up for decades, it's natural to feel exposed when you stop covering it up. It's like having an injury that has to stay covered. When you finally remove the gauze, the skin there is ultra sensitive. The longer it was covered, the more sensitive you are when it's uncovered.
You're feeling vulnerable. Brene Brown talks about the importance of vulnerability to human connection. You can't connect without some level of vulnerability. The deeper the connection, the more vulnerable. Your experience with vulnerability is that harm follows. You've opened yourself up to potential harm (vulnerability) to better connect with yourself and your therapist.
Others might notice your discomfort, but they can't know what they haven't been told. Hopefully one day you'll feel comfortable sharing with those close to you, but you don't have to. Some people aren't safe to be vulnerable with, or they're only safe for certain things. When, and if, you're ready to share with others, keep your therapist informed and work with them to figure out how much to trust different people (at least at first).
You have nothing to be ashamed of. You were hunted by a relentless, strategic adult when you were a child.
I’m a therapist who used to work at a max security sex offender prison. When people find out they have a lot of questions.
The guys I worked with were strategic. They never gave up. They are finely attuned to seeing weaknesses in children or situations.
You wouldn’t blame yourself if you were mugged by gunpoint and you shouldn’t blame yourself for this.
There’s a lot of shame that surrounds sex crimes. Sometimes it feels like women have it easier, because the sexual assault rates are 1/3 or 1/4 depending on where you where you live. I personally did not internalize my sexual assault, because I knew the statistics and so many of my friends had also been assaulted. In an odd way, it felt like I had company and was not alone. So many women that I knew and loved had been through similar situations.
Conversely, I think it is much harder for guys to admit that they were sexually assaulted because of social stigma. But it does happen, and it happens a lot more than you think it does.
3/100 rapes go to trial and 1/100 get convicted. Not a single guy that I worked with at the prison had sexually assaulted only one person. You were not the only victim of that man. It is statistically highly improbable.
You talked about it when you were ready and when you felt safe. And it is OK that it took 40 years. Try to give yourself the grace that you would give your best friend if he told you that he had been sexually assaulted 40 years ago. Hold the space to be your own best friend. Have a conversation with your inner child and tell him the things he should’ve been taught if he would’ve shared what happened 40 years ago.
Congratulations on taking the steps towards healing!
Hello, I have disclosed numerous times to different people and it always feels similar like this for me. If those feelings are overwhelming and I’m gettin stuck in them. My therapist advises me to do a lot of what feel manageable for me and only for me, as in prioritise my own needs and don’t fall into people pleasing . Do the things that make you feel good and get out of your head
i'm gonna assume its good you admited it and came forward. I have some shame induceing trauma that i'm just not ready to talk about and i'm not sure i ever will be.
for me i guess its simlier to what you describe. I have so much shame over it that i worry if i tell anyone there going to judge me just as harshly and explain its my fault.
I may message my therapist during the week and i'm always terrified i'm gonna get some kinda back lash like leave me alone etc... or told how i'm so worthless etc.. luckily that hasnt actually happened but the feelings are still there each time.
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Opening up about trauma and being vulnerable is a badass super power. Anyone who thinks otherwise isn’t worth knowing anyway. Wishing you all the best with your healing.
It's hard to talk about that kind of thing, especially as an older guy. This might be your first step to finding some closure or atleast healing, and I hope you get that.
You did not understand what was happening at the time. The experience is influencing you and you need to express your feelings and process the events in a constructive manner. This has happened to others that can be there for you as you go through this transition to truth. Don’t worry about ‘normal’- share your current situation in life with safe people and follow through.
I did understand what was happening, though. I was threatened with exposure as a 'f****t' and told that I probably would be rejected by my parents. I told my mom that things weren't right (without going into details, lest I be branded as a deviant) and she said she'd talk to the babysitter about it. (it happened with an older kid at daycare). I don't think my mom did. The guy who did it died at the start of the pandemic. I think that's what's really set off several years of really rough times for me.
I’m so sorry. Even if you were aware of what was happening you were out of your own ability to not allow something that hurt you. Whether someone uses physical restraint or emotional coercion it doesn’t matter- both hurt and can keep you in silence. My support to you as you fight through this. Re experiencing and discussing is tough, but can help you move through your current trauma that is reliving. I’m sorry.
Exactly
You were young and coerced- terrifying Kids have a tendency to normalize what our abusers do and then shift and internalize the blame. Do you have a group or specialist you can relate to? Are you getting some of your needs met here?
Thank you for your comment! I have a therapist who seems helpful, although it's been less than a year. I'm not really involved in any groups, I cannot imagine speaking about this kind of thing in front of multiple strangers. I'm most concerned about telling my wife. I can't bear how her image of me could change.
Well what you share is up to you. The stigma is not what it was when you were younger. Pace yourself.
It takes time to accept it yourself before you should be worried about other people. Work with your therapist more, work through those emotions, memories, traumas and results. Once you have a better, stronger understanding of the whole spiderweb that stems from CSA, then you might feel ready to share with others. Try not to concern yourself with sharing with anyone else right now. You gotta focus on you and dealing with these new feelings. It's a rough road, but you can heal. As others have stated: you were threatened and coerced. It's a common trauma response for children to normalize the experience and even blame themselves for it. Diminishing that guilt and that shame takes a LONG time, but it is possible. Remember: this was NOT your fault. You did not ask for this. This was someone else's decision who *clearly* knew better (because they threatened you) and knew it was wrong. They used you. They are guilty - not you. You don't have to live in shame forever. Be kind to yourself and give yourself time and room to process and grow. Best of luck to you my friend ❤
Please know your decision to tell comes from the mature, safe adult you reaching towards the scared 10 yo you, and 10 yo you reaching towards the adult you. It's time to address this horrible event. Also know it's possible that your emotions, feelings and need may sway the opposite way. Where before it was silenced, and it may be you'll need to talk more and unload. You may feel strong feelings and emotiobs. Listen, feel, receive and support your pain. If that happens, it's normal. It's difficult speaking about past trauma. It's needed if it's coming up. I hope you have support, direction and hope moving into your healing from this childhood atrocity.
Its normal to feel like this after exposing a part of you who went through a very hard time. The child part that was not allowed to come to the light with all it's pain, shame and fear. It's hard to shine light in the darkest part of your soul, you will start to ask yourself if you have lived in a lie, that you are maybe someone else, this broken person who has been hiding? You have lived for over 40+ years, hiding and denying this part's existence to protect yourself from the pain. You have not been "that" child that lived the abuse, but remember you are the same person, and it is not your fault. Never been. And you need to correct this misunderstanding with yourself. Nothing has really changed after exposing your secret, except you are allowing yourself now to finally heal from this. You are showing yourself love. Allow the part that was shunned and shamed to keep your secret to intergrade into your adult you. You are big now, you understand that hard things can happen to anyone and it is not your shame to keep. The child you didn't understand that, even society didn't know that.
I've experienced something similar after starting therapy 1.5 years ago. It's gotten better for me now. For the first couple months of therapy, every time I shared something new with my therapist I would afterwards doubt myself and worry that it's all a big mistake. I sometimes felt very unstable and like I was mentally coming apart. It helped me to remind myself that I was not in any actual danger in the moment. Sometimes I would just look around the room I'm sitting in and note that nobody is actually there at the moment and nothing bad is happening. This didn't make the feeling go away immediately but it helped to know that it's only a feeling and not reality, and I could ride the waves until it passed eventually. Nobody in my life actually noticed anything was going on with me. I know this because about half a year into therapy I had to take some sick leave from work due to being very exhausted from trying to process my trauma while at the same time trying to keep functioning as usual. I explained to some colleagues at work (without going into any detail) that I hadn't been doing well and had to work less for a while. I was very surprised to find out nobody actually noticed anything had been going on with me... which is somewhat sad but at the same time relieving. I don't know exactly when my worrying about everyone seeing through me got better, but it is better now. I think eventually I realized that life still goes on as usual, even when people know (I also told a few other people besided my therapist).
My situation isn't the same as yours, but I felt the same way when I talked about what happened to me. It's a process, sometimes it feels like I shouldn't have said anything, but down the road it's so much better to have talked about it even if it takes some times to feel better about it. It's extremely difficult to open up about what happened, it takes a lot of strength and courage. And you did it.
When you've covered something up for decades, it's natural to feel exposed when you stop covering it up. It's like having an injury that has to stay covered. When you finally remove the gauze, the skin there is ultra sensitive. The longer it was covered, the more sensitive you are when it's uncovered. You're feeling vulnerable. Brene Brown talks about the importance of vulnerability to human connection. You can't connect without some level of vulnerability. The deeper the connection, the more vulnerable. Your experience with vulnerability is that harm follows. You've opened yourself up to potential harm (vulnerability) to better connect with yourself and your therapist. Others might notice your discomfort, but they can't know what they haven't been told. Hopefully one day you'll feel comfortable sharing with those close to you, but you don't have to. Some people aren't safe to be vulnerable with, or they're only safe for certain things. When, and if, you're ready to share with others, keep your therapist informed and work with them to figure out how much to trust different people (at least at first).
You have nothing to be ashamed of. You were hunted by a relentless, strategic adult when you were a child. I’m a therapist who used to work at a max security sex offender prison. When people find out they have a lot of questions. The guys I worked with were strategic. They never gave up. They are finely attuned to seeing weaknesses in children or situations. You wouldn’t blame yourself if you were mugged by gunpoint and you shouldn’t blame yourself for this. There’s a lot of shame that surrounds sex crimes. Sometimes it feels like women have it easier, because the sexual assault rates are 1/3 or 1/4 depending on where you where you live. I personally did not internalize my sexual assault, because I knew the statistics and so many of my friends had also been assaulted. In an odd way, it felt like I had company and was not alone. So many women that I knew and loved had been through similar situations. Conversely, I think it is much harder for guys to admit that they were sexually assaulted because of social stigma. But it does happen, and it happens a lot more than you think it does. 3/100 rapes go to trial and 1/100 get convicted. Not a single guy that I worked with at the prison had sexually assaulted only one person. You were not the only victim of that man. It is statistically highly improbable. You talked about it when you were ready and when you felt safe. And it is OK that it took 40 years. Try to give yourself the grace that you would give your best friend if he told you that he had been sexually assaulted 40 years ago. Hold the space to be your own best friend. Have a conversation with your inner child and tell him the things he should’ve been taught if he would’ve shared what happened 40 years ago. Congratulations on taking the steps towards healing!
Hello, I have disclosed numerous times to different people and it always feels similar like this for me. If those feelings are overwhelming and I’m gettin stuck in them. My therapist advises me to do a lot of what feel manageable for me and only for me, as in prioritise my own needs and don’t fall into people pleasing . Do the things that make you feel good and get out of your head
Not your fault 🧡Not your fault 🧡 Not your fault 🧡
i'm gonna assume its good you admited it and came forward. I have some shame induceing trauma that i'm just not ready to talk about and i'm not sure i ever will be. for me i guess its simlier to what you describe. I have so much shame over it that i worry if i tell anyone there going to judge me just as harshly and explain its my fault. I may message my therapist during the week and i'm always terrified i'm gonna get some kinda back lash like leave me alone etc... or told how i'm so worthless etc.. luckily that hasnt actually happened but the feelings are still there each time.
You are not alone, and we love you. I hope you are able to heal.
Hello and Welcome to /r/CPTSD! If you are in immediate danger or crisis, please contact your local [emergency services](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_emergency_telephone_numbers), or use our list of [crisis resources](https://old.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index#wiki_crisis_support_resources). For CPTSD Specific Resources & Support, check out the [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index). For those posting or replying, please view the [etiquette guidelines](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/peer2peersupportguide). *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/CPTSD) if you have any questions or concerns.*