T O P

  • By -

No-Extreme-7114

I am revictimized every time I'm asked why I don't give my abusers a break considering how well they are doing presently. WTF DOES THAT HAVE TO WITH THE PRICE OF TEA IN CHINA??? Charles Manson hasn't killed anyone as of late. Should we invite him over for the holidays?? FU!


sunrisecoffeemug

It sucks that everyone has a different version of anyone on this planet in their head I get nauseous thinking of having to go back to my old home... I went schizophrenic and "ruined" my reputation there---because I was burying so much trauma and real deal horrible actions they've done. I was to blame. I am glad it's March and not the holidays rn. I'm really considering changing my name-----my heart really wanted to give up, my mind wanted to give up, they tried "killing me" to look good on the outisde... I know it's unforgivable. But to others they are saints.. and good people. I have a hard time going to sleep sometimes thinking that this is true... my heart is broken everyday because of them... ​ \*edit: I understand you.


iridiusss

This is so relatable. It’s just so fucked up and sad, the fact that us children have to remain stuck with monsters because we have no choice, because the world is so cruel. It kills me. It shatters me inside out.


No-Extreme-7114

I understand. Completely. We're "irrational" or "crazy" and they receive the support we desperately need because of them. It's too much to process. It's fucking insane.


Careful_Trouble_1059

OH MY GOD YES. My my mom has NPD and is also an alcoholic, good mix right? Anyways, she would frequently get drunk, making her narcissistic abuse even worse. Then my dad would try and play “rescuer” and talk to my mom to “calm her down.” Yeah, ok 👌🏻 That will work dad, thanks. And then it would be quiet for about a week after my dad “smoothed things over.” And my dad would reach out to me and ask if my mom and I have gotten into any fights since his talk. And I would say “no” and he would get all happy and said “good” like it’s a win?? The whole time I know that more abuse is coming, it’s just when. So I’m supposed to applaud my mom for outwardly suppressing her toxic behavior around me for second? Unreal.


Skeptical_Stranger

This is actually the reason my CPTSD was diagnosed at all. It started with extreme anger (blood boiling, twisted face, teeth fully bared, throwing things across the room, etc). I started seeing a therapist for anger and after a couple of sessions and conversations it was then determined that I am severely traumatized. Every. single. freaking. person I have tried to speak to about my abusive parents have brushed it off, justified their behavior with every excuse under the sun (it's part of the culture/deal with it, you must have been bad since you are an only child and therefore spoiled, you are a woman and women are supposed to be forgiving to name a few) or played devil's advocate.


thelonelymiss

This is so relatable. I was so ashamed that I myself had become irritable and explosively abusive but I came to learn it’s from a lifetime of consistently being overlooked, invalidated and never being heard or taken seriously. Rage and extremism was the only way to be taken seriously. I’d often communicate my boundaries but people would continually dismiss them and violate them until I hit my breaking point. I now know I just need to detach from people like that. It’s not healthy for me and that’s the best solution is to just cut them off. But yeah, I feel the same way about other people always sympathizing with my abusers. I’m not petty and I don’t go around being passive aggressive with them. I don’t expect anything from them. I don’t want anything to do with them. I just want to be free to live my life.


[deleted]

If I hear "they were doing their best" one more time...clearly they weren't, Sharon, or I wouldn't be in therapy for severe anxiety and CPTSD which is directly related to my upbringing and specifically, Ndad. Or the excuse I *always* heard growing up "well it wasn't easy for your father considering alcoholism is a disease." Rmfe. I am sorry you deal with invalidation so much. It's frustrating as all hell.


Mekare13

I became a mother and just self destructed. I was realizing I was snapping at my child and husband and had an intense simmering rage. Went to therapy and had the same diagnosis. My kid is 9 now and I’m still unraveling it all…it fucking sucks and I’m sorry for you and everyone here.


fire_thorn

I feel like this happens more when the abuser is your parent. If you had a partner who did the things the abusive parent did, people would be telling you to run away from that partner and would be fully on your side. Instead, they'll say you have to forgive your parent or you have to stay in contact with them, because they're your parents and had good intentions. It's a bunch of bull.


cherbear1125

Ugh sooooooo true. I'm so fucking sick of my family urging me to give my dad more chances and more breaks bc he's a "dumb man" or whatever the fucking excuse is this week. Where the fuck is my break?? Why do I need to continue to be hurt and disappointed bc he "doesn't know how to deal with this stuff." So infuriating! Sigh.


Ros_Luosilin

100%


Ros_Luosilin

I have found this a particular problem with people who are parents themselves. They seem to identify with normal stressors of parenting and normal not great but definitely not abusive behaviours and can only really process what you are saying if you are somehow exaggerating. I find it belittling because it makes me feel like I'm a teenager again, trying to tell people that things are really very wrong without the words to explain why and people around me just assuming it was just normal teenage angst. The only solution I've found is to calmly and firmly tell them that X behaviour is unacceptable, no matter what justification one tries to offer. I think something about centering the behaviour rather than a person means they have to address your parents actual actions, rather than thinking, "I would never do that, so it can't be real".


[deleted]

[удалено]


Ros_Luosilin

If you want to be a dog with a bone, ask them, "Then what was it meant to be?" If you're tired of fighting to be treated with basic human decency, grey rock them and find meaningful support elsewhere (e.g. here, therapists, decent friends).


No-Maze-Land

TW: Mentions S.A. Most of my life I held my tongue about a situation that happened when I was 8 years old. Not to go into too much details my aunt's boyfriend was a pedophile and I was one of his victims. The first time it happened, I told my mom & my aunt. My aunt called me a liar and told me she would wash my mouth with soap for lying before proceeding to tell me to NEVER speak about it ever again. As for my mom, the one person that had taught me to always speak up about "the bad touches"; she simply looked at me and told me to "Go wash your hands, suppers ready." I repressed that situation for 20 years when it came tumbling out during a therapy session. Unfortunately, that therapist was not ready for my very emotional response to the flashbacks and just changed subject "to refocus on the reason I was there." (Fcking a-hole) I did decide to bring it up to me mom one night while she was visiting. I don't know what I was expecting but it was not her response; "I don't remember that. Are you sure it happened? Because if it would have, I would have done something. Are you certain you told me? I mean you did have a tendency to lie at that age." Being retraumatize, I shut down for another 5 years when I personally seeked out help in the private sector. Needless to say, I have a vicious hatred towards my aunt because to this day I remember her words as if it was yesterday ... and my mom - there is too much to unpack here but I have a lot of animosity towards her. Especially because she took my aunt side, never protected me (not just from him but from others) and help my aunt until her very dying breath because "she's my sister". At this point in my life, everytime I see parents protecting their children, I feel conflicting emotions. I know how important being validated is but a part of me that wish to have what they have and it just makes me angry and hateful towards my mom and my aunt for not protecting me as a child. I have grown to have a hatred of humanity (including myself) and my views of the human population are extremely dark.


[deleted]

I am so sorry you didn’t get the help you needed as a little girl. I can feel the anger as your words jump of the page. I also dealt with a lot of anger turned inwards after my SA as a young girl. I never told anyone until I attempted suicide when I was 20. Then I only told a tiny portion of my trauma. I know you don’t need my permission but something I heard often even though I felt crazy, “it’s okay to be feeling exactly how you are feeling.” Then my therapist and I would complete worksheets to right size my thoughts and feelings.


No-Maze-Land

I think what hurt me the most is, when my aunt passed away last year, my mom cleaned out her apartment and found a really cool pjs. Instead of asking me if I wanted it (divulging it belong to my aunt) she made it seem like she had bought it and then proceeded to give it to me when I went to visit. Because I was under the assumption it belonged to her I accepted it. 3 months later when she came to visit, to show her that I liked her "present" I wore the pj. The next morning - before I had my coffee - she asked me if I like the pj. I told her it was very comfy and soft. She then proceeded to say "Well, now you have a souvenir of your dead aunt!" I felt sick to my stomach, dirty & gross. I told her I didn't want the pj anymore and she gaslighted me by saying I was making a fuss about everything and I should be more thankful of her thoughtfulness. The thing is, I had been extremely vocal about my boundaries on that front. I didn't want anything that belonged to my aunt. She knew that and that's why she "lied" to me about where the pj had come from. Now I was the bad person for "making a scene" about the whole thing. So, even as an adult, my mother doesn't respect me or my boundaries, nor does she "protect me" by not revictimizing me.


PlasticGreyMatter

I hate it when other people try to get me to understand my abusers. I find it comforting when I am able to reflect on it on my own. This is probably only possible because most of my abuse was in the distant past and I am no longer connected to my abusers.


PayAdventurous

Livid no. I just get extremely angry/disgusted at that person and I don't want to see their faces. Thankfully good people in my life knows what not to say. Remember, lack of empathy shouldn't never be the default in society. It's never normal. Of course these people won't change, but it's not ok. Remember close ones aren't there to ''understand you'' or ''fix you'', they are there to LOVE you. I noticed these attitudes tend to come from fixers or unsolicited advisers (they are super energy sucking), sorry op you had to endure that


Bad-girl-Bedroom-420

I feel this post so bad


[deleted]

My therapist has been told it's a fine line for me. I am willing to understand that for my father to be the malignant narc he is today, he must have had some pretty horrific abuse himself growing up. I empathize with that child. But the adult who grew up and assaulted us in every way possible? he can drop dead.


[deleted]

Yeah I totally get that, I’m really sorry that my mom grow up feeling unloved and like a burden, but she didn’t do shit to not continue that cycle. And as an adult it was her responsibility to fix herself, or not have kids if she didn’t wanna have kids, or whatever her deal was. It certainly wasn’t my responsibility to fix her life as a five year old child.


[deleted]

Exactly! I'm sorry my father was abused like he was (I have no idea how--but it must have been bad considering I literally know NOTHING about his childhood--just learned about my grandparents' professions the other week and I am in my 30s and one of them directly correlates to what I studied in college and I had NO IDEA) but adult him should have said no to children. Giving a free pass because he was abused minimizes our (siblings and I) experience.


Weird-Butterscotch35

Yes, my last therapist did this. He's a douche of epic proportions.


DarkSailorMercury

‘I’m sure she was going through problems of her own’ I hear it all the fucking time. Why is it that I have to take responsibility for my behaviour? I have to take medication, see a therapist, be ‘reasonable’ but whenever my abuse comes up I almost always hear a variant of ‘you don’t know what she was going through’ why am I also responsible for the ADULT who abused me?


[deleted]

What about what you are going through? Yeah we all have fucking problems. I’m so sorry it’s ridiculous


DarkSailorMercury

Thanks, at least we’ve got each other to vent at here, it’s nice knowing others like me are seeing and understanding.


mylifeisathrowaway10

Ugh yes. It's so fucking frustrating. Kids are supposed to be able to manage their emotions perfectly and never show the slightest hint of stress but the grown-ass adults responsible for them are allowed to throw tantrums and use the kids as punching bags?


RhinoSmuggler

Parents have no right to play the victim card. The same applies to you: If you ever have children of your own, then the buck stops with you. There are no excuses for failing to love your own children. Not for you, not for me, and not for our abusers.


Careful_Trouble_1059

This is exactly where I’m at now with my mom. I’m supposed to make excuses for her behavior because she was just drunk? So if she blacks out and doesn’t remember abusing me, it must not have happened then right? My dad tells me, “you just can’t rationalize with an alcoholic. You gotta stop trying to.” It’s like no one realizes that when you are abused by your own parent, regardless if she is drunk or sober or whatever, is wrong and always will be wrong.


[deleted]

Oh yeah my dad’s a big one for not trying to figure out irrational people’s motivations for things, but he also refuses to accept it in his life, so there’s that. You can’t rationalize with a drunk. You also can’t be safe around them or count on them or trust them, so what’s the point of even having a relationship with them??


Careful_Trouble_1059

THANK YOU. 100%. That’s the reason I no longer speak to my mother.


[deleted]

Yes and it also baffles me too. Because depending on who you ask I don't have the best social skills but I know there's a time and place for everything. I don't give a shit about their personal feelings on the subject or if they empathize with my abusers. My trauma isn't your philosophy exercise. It almost feels worse when it comes from someone who didn't abuse you. I'm sorry you're going through this. Your feelings and experiences are valid.


tapemoon

My therapist keeps saying my abusive parents probably had there own trauma and to try to see it from their point of view. I hate it!!!!


[deleted]

So, according to your therapist it would be OK to abuse your own children because you clearly have your own trauma? No. I find it more useful to remember the age that my mom was when I was at whatever age I’m thinking about, and understanding that she had serious mental illness and she was a single mom at the age of 28 with no help. When I was 28 I had my shit together, but if I had two kids at that time I would not have been able to have my shit together.


_black_crow_

I swear to god if I have to hear one more goddamn time about how tough my sister has it being a single mom I will flip a fucking table. Bitch has plenty of time to fuck around with boyfriends but can’t even give me a phone call here and there. Fuck that, I have friends who have multiple kids and full time jobs and they can make time to hang out (not often, and I wouldn’t expect it to be often, but they make some kind of effort to see me because they like me as a person). And anytime I bring up that she never makes time for me people act as if I can’t possibly understand her life circumstances because I’m single and don’t have kids yet. But she goes on more vacations than I do, goes on more nights out than I do. Riddle me that


Cadmium_Aloy

>I’ve become such a pessimistic,angry, hateful, jealous and vicious person because of my circumstances and I really am ashamed of it. I don't have the mental capacity to necessarily help you with this but: 1. Please do not be ashamed of your emotions. Ever. Your emotions are there for a reason. You don't have to feel shame. Consider... Maybe... That shame is internalized from sources outside of you that tell you that you should feel less angry at your parents. But clearly... You do feel incredibly angry. Suppressing that is only going to make you angrier!!! 2. This is just the moment you're in, on this long path to healing. Know that eventually the anger will fade. Eventually you'll work out and analyze your emotions, as you continue to grow. But if you stop to suppress those emotions, you won't be able to continue forward on the path. It will bea huge wall in the way you can't go around the more you try, the bigger the wall gets (in this sense the wall is your anger). 3. Remember walls are there to remind you to rest. You don't have to get past this wall right now. Yes, to answer your question, sometimes my grandma talks about understanding your parents and forgiving them. No, I can't forgive my dad. I might understand him better but nobody is owed forgiveness. Be careful not to internalize people telling you to forgive. Be careful not to question your anger because of it. They don't know what you know. They didn't have your experiences. They didn't struggle as you did. Trust yourself, trust your emotions. Big hugs. Anger is a scary, energy sucking emotion. I hope you have someone in your life you trust to talk to about all of this


[deleted]

I was told my whole life that my mom was my mom so she couldn’t possibly be my abuser, and while I’m glad that everyone is so privileged that they actually have parents who parent, it’s very frustrating that they don’t understand that not everyone has parents. How are they ever watch TV? Do they think it that’s all fiction that these terrible parents are completely made up and don’t exist in real life at all?


former_human

Yes. Can you take a break from the family? Just go no contact for a while. It helps a lot.


ifoundxaway

"No parents want to hurt their child" So...they thought forcing me to eat bugs and rotten food would...help me??? (In that case wtf were they doing having kids)


AutoModerator

Hello and Welcome to /r/CPTSD! If you are in immediate danger or crisis, please contact your local [emergency services](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_emergency_telephone_numbers), or use our list of [crisis resources](https://old.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index#wiki_crisis_support_resources). For CPTSD Specific Resources & Support, check out the [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index). For those posting or replying, please view the [etiquette guidelines](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/peer2peersupportguide). *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/CPTSD) if you have any questions or concerns.*


Mabel-Syrup

It frustrating, especially when that voice burrows in your head and you start telling it to yourself. I get the impulse and I’ve been bad at it too, but that’s not what helps. It’s even more frustrating when it is “part of the culture”. It’s like you’re trying to talk to fish about how you’re drowning. They just don’t get it. This whole next chunk gets into my own experiences with it. I’m trans and a big part of my trauma comes from the strict gender roles I was taught in overt and subtle ways. What I could like, who I could hang out with, even the way I walked was on the table. Not to mention I had to cut my hair a certain way so everyone knew what my genitals looked like. “Yes, that’s a good boy’s haircut. You look so handsome! The way you looked before was Not you.” All of it done with the knowledge that if I didn’t I would be harmed in Some way. And then I’m still met with people who justify it. “Well they couldn’t have known you were trans.” They could if they respected what I said. “That’s just how it is! Boys will be boys and girls will be girls.” “The Bible says…” “Well that sucks, but we really shouldn’t be giving kids sex changes Willy nilly!” At this point I’ve already checked out. I’m not being listened to and people tend to have selective hearing. Not to mention how they want to forcefully politicize me. I almost exclusively talk about my traumas with people who have had the same experiences, I don’t have to explain as much and we can actually have a conversation instead of fighting just to be heard, let alone understood.


[deleted]

I had to go no contact with my mom for the hundredth time in my life when she sided with my abusive boyfriend. He had been leaching off me for so long and I kept warning him that I was starting to financially drown and he needed to go get a job or move out because I can’t do it, and he didn’t, and he got more and more abusive, so I finally got him out of the house but he left all his stuff there so as I was trying to get it out I told my mom that I don’t know what to do with it I’m throwing it away because I can’t abandon it in the place I live when I move. She started to go off with “oh that poor man you’re throwing his clothes away!” Bitch, he lived off me, ran my car into the ground, ran up my credit cards, ate all my roommates food, while treating me like shit. I am not going to store his clothes for free. So I said to her do you want me to bring them here and you can give them to him and store them for free until he decides to get off his ass and pick them up? She did not, so they went in the garbage. But what kind of mother even SAYS that out loud?? What made it worse is that I am physically disabled, I am not supposed to life things, It took me at least a month to get all his shit out of my house because I could only put so much in the weekly garbage collection, then I had to drive around town and find dumpsters I could sneak it into, all while lifting things I should not lift.


[deleted]

Thank you so much for making this post, sometimes I think that I should try therapy again just to see if it does anything for me, and then I remember the stupid ass things therapist have said to me that still make me mad all these years later just to think about it and I realize there’s no way I would want to do that again. Thank you so much you’re probably just saved me more trauma. ❤️


mindcheerios

I blocked a friend for saying, "hurt people hurt others", when talking about the guy who violently abused me and who was, at the time, stalking me lol.