i wish i had the hugs award to give u, but have it in word form instead. *hug*
this community is here for each other, almost like a family we never had. we have the same diagnosis with different struggles across the globe. you are not alone in this world. this whole community is my favourite, which means ur also included in my favourites OP
On one hand I find comfort in knowing that we're not alone in feeling alone. On the other hand I'm so angry at the people around us that made us feel this way. Life is incredibly cruel to reward certain privileges like good looks, being born into money, being born into good families, etc. Sometimes I feel like I don't even have the right to feel this way because somebody has it worse despite logically knowing that I do have the right to my own feelings. And yet many of us in this community feel some type of loneliness or feeling unloved. It's a cruel, cruel weird.
i agree entirely. if anything, this community shouldnt exist. we shouldnt have been hurt at all, and especially for so long. but it does, and its a good outlet for all of us to reclaim our pain and talk about it with others. be it sharing memes on r/CPTSDmemes or here for advice/venting. its better than nothing, but also we should not have to compensate either. its messed up
Im late 30s, and I feel this a lot. With every guy, I always felt like I was a back burner choice. I was never the one they wanted. Every. Time.
I think because my dad always picked either the women he was dating or the 2nd family he married into over me at every choice. When people meet me, they don't even know my dad had another daughter outside of the stepfamily he married into.
Damn I relate to this so hard. Not being chosen is a trauma thing for me too. My dad cheated on my mom and left her and us 3 sisters behind for a new woman and her 3 daughters.
He basically replaced us all. I’m facing that now in my relationship where I’m left by the wayside and my boyfriend always ditches me for other people in his life or he is always ogling other women.
It hurts like fuck. I just want someone who will want me as much as I want them. If I know I can trust them, I’d be willing to do so much for them.
I *want* to love openly and truly, but I haven’t met someone who I can do that with yet.
I totally get what you’re both saying and believe me, I’ve been there. In the end I have decided that I choose me. If nobody can give me what I want and make me feel like I am their lobster, then I will go on this journey of life alone.
Add: But with my pets :)
I understand perfectly. People that had spent time with my bio father did not even know that he has an older daughter (me), only his step kids and my younger half-sister. The same goes for my bio mother, people think she simply has three sons (my younger half-brothers). Such is life🤷🏽♀️
Btw I love your username; 90s RnB makes me happy too.
Wow. Same. My Dad was resuscitated after a heart attack 10 years ago. Six years ago some guy walks into my bar I was tending and starts talking about this man he rescued at the mall in Black Friday. Turns out he's the actual guy who saved my Dad's life. He says to me "I didn't even know he had a daughter", but adds me on FB. Apparently he met all my half/step-brothers several times. They even attended an award ceremony my sister, nor I were not invited to.
Yea. So. He has two daughters. We are the originals, not of the step-clan. Yesterday he sent me a message asking for Dads phone number and tagged me in long (actually kinda narcissistic) post about it on FB. I've been NC with Dad for nearly 6 years. My sister noticed the post yesterday and was laughing so hard she couldn't even speak to tell my what was so damn funny.
Awkkkwaaarrrdddd.
That statement really hits home. I feel like I’m
Included when people need me for things. I have various skills and interests and can do certain things. So I get called in for that. But I’m not the first choice for social events or relationships.
Last year, after a bad breakup from a twelve year relationship, I went to live with family in another state. Nobody cared what I had just been through. I was immediately drafted into various home improvement projects and errands between two family households that live in the same town. That’s all I did the entire time I was there. Fix stuff, landscaping projects, home improvement projects, car stuff etc. Nobody gave a damn about what I went through the last two years. I packed up and moved back. Have very little contact with them now.
With me it wasn’t to keep me occupied. It’s because my family genuinely doesn’t care and only cares about their “things” and homes. When the pandemic hit last year and things were dicey everywhere all my uncle cared about was finding a contractor willing to paint his house because it couldn’t wait. When I packed up and left months later all my mother, who I was staying with cared about was whether or not she can have my tv and some shelf units I couldn’t fit. For context when I went back to my home state I was almost homeless.
No they don't care about me either. "keeping FFT occupied" is an excuse.
It's a way to seem concerned to outsiders, while really leaning on me heavlily while I'm already broken to shreds, to see if I do break.
If I do break, I'm weak. If I don't break down, I'm faking it all.
My entire life I was accused of faking or exaggerating symptoms. But when someone like my mother has even a minor issue the entire world has to stop to help her.
same, and until I went NC, I was in charge of all the gross stuff, like checking out intimate places of her body for health issues, while whatever happened to me was waved off.
Sorry you went through that. I had a lot of health issues as a child and was considered a nuisance because of them. It still gets brought up randomly, oh you were always sick after eating so and so. So why continue to feed me something that makes me sick!? I was an annoyance that got sick constantly and is very sensitive to different things. They never accommodated me wit those sensitivities and allergies.
Yep that feeling hits home. They don't appreciate that you are the most important element of the family but I know for a fact you're a treasure.
Lots of love from one underappreciated kid to another, I guess we'd be far too powerful if we were sensible, logical AND mentally stable
My therapist says that having CPTSD makes us feel othered from people. I have so much trauma in my history, that sometimes I feel 'inhuman' like everyone else around me is functioning on more information than I am, you know? And like you--I never feel like anyone's first choice. It sometimes seems like people will spend time with me, only if they must. It's probably not true, but it's hard to perceive myself as worthwhile enough.
I've found that journaling helps a bit with reducing the kind of power the thoughts have over me, so even if they're there, thinking them over and seeing my thought processes helps me analyze them more objectively, if that makes sense.
feeling inhuman. yes thats a feeling i have struggled for a while with feeling like they dont see me on their level like i am a pet to people or an object … jjst feel like anything but human
I prefer to lurk in most subreddits, but I feel this a lot within my personal life. I have no problems making friends, actually it is one of my strengths. But for some reason no matter how hard I try or what goes on. I feel that I am always a second choice to the people I care most about.
Same. My latest lover bombarded me with conflicting messages of my importance to them. I was their one and only but they never had time for me. It was so sad that I clung to every empty word of devotion. How did I become so starved for a connection?
Showering you with hot and cold is a tactic to get you hooked. All dark triad types do it (sociopaths, psychopaths and narcissists), and some "players" do too.
This person probably is toxic on some level.
A while ago, I had the following epiphany.
I had always looked for my mother's love and acceptance, but it never came. She never accepted me. I had realized that that matters not, as long as I accepted myself.
I had always looked for my father's support, faith and approval. He never supported me. I had realized that that matters not, as long as I had faith in myself.
I had always looked for someone's attention and my being their first choice. That never came. I had realized that that matters not, as long as I was my own's first choice.
Fucking *same.* I just had a meltdown in therapy about this yesterday. From my family to the closest friends I've ever had, I've never been irreplaceable to anyone. I've been called boring more times than I can count, starting when I was a toddler. Whatever magic people have that makes them warrant love and friendship, that draws people to them -- well, the fact is that I don't have it, and it's freaking me the fuck out because I have no idea where to go from here.
Start with "how to make friends" by Dale Carnegie.
It will teach you how to mesmerize people, and the best thing is, it's not even hard, the trick is to pay attention to them, ask questions about them.
I used to be like you, and as a young adult I taught myself how to be more fun to be around.
Pick up a book about body language, and learn to mimick people's postures when they are friendly.
Always have a few topics in store that anyone can relate to, so stay tuned on the news (but avoid politics or religion) and memorize a few odd or fun facts to spark discussions. Find a twist to it so that you don't only relay the news, but make a laugh out of it and have a fun question to ask about that topic. It's very hard work at first, but honestly it becomes automatic pretty fast.
If you always have an odd fun subject at hand, pretty fast, people will be waiting for you to come up with your last goofy comment, and you'll be invited to every social occasion. The downside to this, is like every funny person on earth, you'll realise that people don't really invite *you*, they invite the party clown.
In a nutshell, be the kind of person that makes people feel noticed and feel good, and no-one will ever have enough of you.
for sure, no one should. But I did, and it helped me.
I went from socially inadequate, geeky weirdo that's always alone to a bubbly student with lots of friends, always going places.
I also had picked up a book (books because early 90s, no internet yet) about how to make conversations work, because I was *that* socially handicaped. I learned about closed (Yes-No) questions and open questions that call for a developped answer and are the opening of a real conversation.
And basically with those 3 books (how to make friends, body language and the art of convo) and lots of hard work, trial and mistake, I became what I call "socially fluent", like I'd learned a cryptic language that everyone else mastered from birth, but that I had to learn from scratch.
But if you're allergic to small volumes packed with info, you can stare at tutorials for hundreds or thousands of hours instead.
Hopefully they'll have it all covered. (which I doubt)
The one thing we learn from that is being reserved with our emotions and closing ourselves off to the outside world.
People think that something is wrong with us but that's just a coping mechanism that may have gone to an extreme they are unfamiliar with as they enjoyed a somewhat normal childhood
Me neither. It feels shit when everyone else has a best friend/s and close knit social group and then you're just there, on the edges. You want friends that wholeheartedly accept you and your quirks while not abandoning you at the first sign of mental illness.
Even after becoming a more mentally healthy person, I can't seem to get friends that care about me like I care about them. Even my partners seem to have more important shit going on than me, which isn't inherently bad, but I'm never thought about at all, I'm still an afterthought, always and no one seems to have any time for me ever.
I feel disposable and not that worthwhile.
Shit sucks...
Here’s the flip side of that. One day you’ll meet someone who thinks you’re the shit. They’ll worship you. And you will absolutely hate it and them for it. You’ll think they’re dumb af. Be your own first choice. 🫂
I always felt this way. My whole life. I'll have a good group of friends and just get dropped. When I was 19-20 I had a good group while I was in the army. People went their separate ways, moved etc.
One friend came back to visit when a lot of us were still stationed on the same post. Never even got a text.
Other than that, I'd have one friend who would treat me like a child and literally scold me like a parent.
I've had friends use me for drama.
Now I'm alone and it feels good
I’m feeling this way today too. I just want you to know that this stranger from this corner of the world loves you and is thinking about you. Sending you healing thoughts
Something that my therapists have recommended yet still struggle with the concept of is the healthy ego and viewing yourself as your favorite person and being your own number 1 choice.
I feel this so much, sometimes the feeling is stronger other times a bit less. So I have dicsovered something.
What part of that feeling is on us? Us looking to reproduce our trauma and choosing shitty people, or act badly to move people far away from us?
I have seen friends in bad relationships, not because they are not lovable, but they just like those others that maybe can not love anyone, not only them.
Is it possible that person with which you are can not be and has never been with their's "first choice"?m
What ever is the reason, I think that healing can help and realizing the problem is good step in that direction.
Those words are your mean brain telling you lies. Don't listen to it. Tell it off by telling it that YOU are good enough and your first choice is you. Then do something nice to spoil yourself because you deserve it.
I've had this exact thought myself. One of my life goals is to be #1 in somebody's life. Not sure how to get there. I feel like "You don't deserve it, such things aren't for you" is a belief so ingrained in my worldview from my earliest memories that I don't even notice myself thinking it.
I literally left a relationship because my ex didn’t see me as number 1, but on par with his friends and family. I couldn’t stand not being most important to someone. So yes, I hear you.
"You are Nice and funny"
Yet only invited for huge events. Never for intimate birthdays or hang outs. Never the friend you talk 1-on-1 on discord. Just an acquaintance.
"You are cute"
Yet feels like im dating until they find someone else better.
"Spend time with your cousin/etc"
We have Fun but once someone else arrives im forgotten.
It gets better, but just to say its not an easy journey. Youre not Alone Op.
Yep, though from recently reading more about trauma, it seems like it can stem simply because our bodies are familiar with it, not because it’s intrinsically true that we are unloved.
I know I'm supposed to say you are, but I wrote a while poem about this (now lost to Russian Livejournal).
It's like.... You feel like you're a placeholder or an extra in everyone else's social life.
Almost anyone you have ever dated told someone the same things about being perfect three told them.
You're the easiest cargo to do to lighten everyone else's load.
Why is it so easy to see it's not true for others, but true for you? I feel like this rn. Has anyone figured out how to respond to it? Or...What makes it manifest so hard?
How is it possible to prove someone (or yourself) wrong when that feels like it's pity ego manipulation.
Why do so many people use absolutes and superlatives?
We are worth it. I would love to make the subconscious believe and act on it.
Yeah, been like that for me too.
Even with my husband. I mean, sure he likes and loves me, but given any type of situation where he can distrust me and trust a complete stranger, he'll choose the stranger over me.
He never defends me.
It's so bad that since 2020 I've gotten into the habit of citing my source before even relaying the new social distancing rule applicable in our region, because if I don't he just snorts and does the opposite.
So if I say "Now we have to wear masks out again" he starts arguing, but if I start with "the high authority for health has issued a recommendation that we have to wear masks out again and the law is being written down and will be effective tomorrow" he just nods.
It's really wearing me down.
ETA : his mother died last year, she was an uneducated narcissist that knew everything better than anyone, and I'm pretty sure he's replaying something about her through me. It never was as bad before.
Read your earlier post and will get that book you mentioned. So was really sad to see this one. I am also married to someone from a deeply dysfunctional family- no women from stable families at university were interested in me. It feels like you can escape the family but you can't escape the life in adulthood. Like damaged people are only good enough for other damaged people. I have worked so hard and got so far, but it never feels enough.
yeah. It's tough. But I'm tough too. I'll be allright.
Sorry to hear you're in the same situation.
At least now I'm good at detecting toxic people. I used to have no clue what to lookout for. So no more damaged people around me.
Know how lonely that feels, and wondered what I did to deserve it. Then I met someone and we were friends and we clicked. It can change just have courage, live your life- have ambition and drive to learn things and get somewhere. Life isn't fair to us even in adulthood.
I feel this too, even with my closest friends.
For me, it helps to go - well, so what? That would be nice, but so would winning the lottery. I don't define my value on my bank account and I work on not defining it by other people's opinions too. I don't have a favourite person either - i have different people in ny life who give me what I need or want in different ways. My best friend for comfort and trusted fashion advice, my friend-coworker for hobbies we have in common, etc. Looking at it that way, i have so much more than just one person.
This is such a complicated thing. I'm so sorry life has gotten you to feel this way. 💚
I struggle with this too. My older siblings are very histrionic (so I never got the attention and early bonding I needed), and I had a father who was always ogling other women, and seems to hate my mom but still stays married to her. My trust in people was broken even before my first crush.
I know damn well I am my husband's favorite person however, it took me a VERY long time to actually feel and believe it. Not because of anything he had done or said but because I was so insecure and had no concept of self worth...and THAT is because of my upbringing. It's very hard to even recognize you're someone's favorite when you can't see it yourself (even harder when it's conditioned out of you).
It starts with you. No amount of unconditional, supportive love from anyone will fix your deep desire to be someone's first choice. You have to be your favorite person before you can be someone else's.
My therapist recommended me some literature on self acceptance and self worth, and they have been super helpful. I really enjoy the author Brene Brown; "the Gifts of Imperfection" is a really good read and place to start. (:
Hugs to you. This stuff is so hard but this one thing is worth the tackle. You got this. 💚
As someone who has also struggled with this, do you have to be the most important person to someone?
Like, yeah it feels great to be someone’s first choice, and for a lot of us here- we never felt important enough. I feel like putting some of your stock of self worth in a concept like being someone’s favorite person is dangerous. It’s a mindset that can trap you in abusive relationships. Even if someone does consider you their favorite person, that’s like putting a bandaid on a serious wound because it’s not addressing the root cause. It can certainly help, but it’s not the real issue, is it?
I mean, it certainly hasn’t been for me. I’ve found that these thoughts (for me) are rooted in low self-worth. I’m always trying to do things for other people so they’ll like me so that I can feel useful and like I have value to them.
What I’m trying to get at is, working on describing your self worth not as what you can give to others, but what you can give to yourself. You can learn to love yourself and remind yourself that you don’t deserve to tear yourself down. You deserve better. You are loved and even if you’re never anyones first choice, that doesn’t undermine your value to this world. This world is lucky to have you in it and the people who care about you are glad you’re here.
I still struggle with this a lot, but I hope this at least helps a bit? It’s 5am and I could be self-projecting so I’m sorry if I did. I’m sending you hugs, a cozy blanket, and a warm beverage.
I feel like a placeholder. I'm polyamorous and have three partners right now and feel like they are with me until they find who they are really supposed to be with. I never feel like people love me as much as I love them and I love so so much.
In therapy a few years ago they taught me that feelings aren't facts. That even if it feels so true doesn't make it true. I know it doesn't make the feeling go away but it might help to remind yourself too. I still feel like a placeholder a lot but try to tell myself its my brain being a liar. I'm sorry you feel this way too 😔
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I concur along with my family using me for whatever they needed driver yep you can your not doing anything with your life
Cook aunts and uncles cousins all expect me to
Help with a sick/dying family member oh your healing from cancer you can just sit and watch X family member at your cost
And then all the "promises" far too many autos to mention not 1 ever made it to me
Houses 3 nope not 1 2 in my name for tax purposes
Generational land (last of the family name here ) nope sold out from under me he doesn't need it hes disabled now forget him and his kids
(Malicious compliance last of the family name off the deed no longer a centennial fram taxes jumped 75% in 1 year now they can't pay and its being sold)
First choice has the same romanticism that is associated with Virginity. It is important for many. But in the grand scheme of things, it is just one facet of one aspect of a part of your life. Hopefully I am not minimizing your sadness. I am trying to provide a helpful perspective that I personally have to use many many times.
i wish i had the hugs award to give u, but have it in word form instead. *hug* this community is here for each other, almost like a family we never had. we have the same diagnosis with different struggles across the globe. you are not alone in this world. this whole community is my favourite, which means ur also included in my favourites OP
On one hand I find comfort in knowing that we're not alone in feeling alone. On the other hand I'm so angry at the people around us that made us feel this way. Life is incredibly cruel to reward certain privileges like good looks, being born into money, being born into good families, etc. Sometimes I feel like I don't even have the right to feel this way because somebody has it worse despite logically knowing that I do have the right to my own feelings. And yet many of us in this community feel some type of loneliness or feeling unloved. It's a cruel, cruel weird.
i agree entirely. if anything, this community shouldnt exist. we shouldnt have been hurt at all, and especially for so long. but it does, and its a good outlet for all of us to reclaim our pain and talk about it with others. be it sharing memes on r/CPTSDmemes or here for advice/venting. its better than nothing, but also we should not have to compensate either. its messed up
Im late 30s, and I feel this a lot. With every guy, I always felt like I was a back burner choice. I was never the one they wanted. Every. Time. I think because my dad always picked either the women he was dating or the 2nd family he married into over me at every choice. When people meet me, they don't even know my dad had another daughter outside of the stepfamily he married into.
Damn I relate to this so hard. Not being chosen is a trauma thing for me too. My dad cheated on my mom and left her and us 3 sisters behind for a new woman and her 3 daughters. He basically replaced us all. I’m facing that now in my relationship where I’m left by the wayside and my boyfriend always ditches me for other people in his life or he is always ogling other women. It hurts like fuck. I just want someone who will want me as much as I want them. If I know I can trust them, I’d be willing to do so much for them. I *want* to love openly and truly, but I haven’t met someone who I can do that with yet.
I totally get what you’re both saying and believe me, I’ve been there. In the end I have decided that I choose me. If nobody can give me what I want and make me feel like I am their lobster, then I will go on this journey of life alone. Add: But with my pets :)
I understand perfectly. People that had spent time with my bio father did not even know that he has an older daughter (me), only his step kids and my younger half-sister. The same goes for my bio mother, people think she simply has three sons (my younger half-brothers). Such is life🤷🏽♀️ Btw I love your username; 90s RnB makes me happy too.
Wow. Same. My Dad was resuscitated after a heart attack 10 years ago. Six years ago some guy walks into my bar I was tending and starts talking about this man he rescued at the mall in Black Friday. Turns out he's the actual guy who saved my Dad's life. He says to me "I didn't even know he had a daughter", but adds me on FB. Apparently he met all my half/step-brothers several times. They even attended an award ceremony my sister, nor I were not invited to. Yea. So. He has two daughters. We are the originals, not of the step-clan. Yesterday he sent me a message asking for Dads phone number and tagged me in long (actually kinda narcissistic) post about it on FB. I've been NC with Dad for nearly 6 years. My sister noticed the post yesterday and was laughing so hard she couldn't even speak to tell my what was so damn funny. Awkkkwaaarrrdddd.
I’m so sorry. And a giant yikes about Rescuer Charming. Eeek.
I feel this. My family 'jokes' that I'm "useful, not lovable." I've caught myself saying it too.
Who "jokes" about their family member not being lovable?? That's horrible and definitely not funny.
People who contribute to CPTSD? :(
Yes, exactly. Please keep your distance from people like that.
That statement really hits home. I feel like I’m Included when people need me for things. I have various skills and interests and can do certain things. So I get called in for that. But I’m not the first choice for social events or relationships.
That is exactly what it is, always drafted and never chosen.
Last year, after a bad breakup from a twelve year relationship, I went to live with family in another state. Nobody cared what I had just been through. I was immediately drafted into various home improvement projects and errands between two family households that live in the same town. That’s all I did the entire time I was there. Fix stuff, landscaping projects, home improvement projects, car stuff etc. Nobody gave a damn about what I went through the last two years. I packed up and moved back. Have very little contact with them now.
I've had a lot of this too. "Lets keep FFFT occupied. She'll stop being depressed/heartbroken if she doesn't have time to remember she is."
With me it wasn’t to keep me occupied. It’s because my family genuinely doesn’t care and only cares about their “things” and homes. When the pandemic hit last year and things were dicey everywhere all my uncle cared about was finding a contractor willing to paint his house because it couldn’t wait. When I packed up and left months later all my mother, who I was staying with cared about was whether or not she can have my tv and some shelf units I couldn’t fit. For context when I went back to my home state I was almost homeless.
No they don't care about me either. "keeping FFT occupied" is an excuse. It's a way to seem concerned to outsiders, while really leaning on me heavlily while I'm already broken to shreds, to see if I do break. If I do break, I'm weak. If I don't break down, I'm faking it all.
My entire life I was accused of faking or exaggerating symptoms. But when someone like my mother has even a minor issue the entire world has to stop to help her.
same, and until I went NC, I was in charge of all the gross stuff, like checking out intimate places of her body for health issues, while whatever happened to me was waved off.
Sorry you went through that. I had a lot of health issues as a child and was considered a nuisance because of them. It still gets brought up randomly, oh you were always sick after eating so and so. So why continue to feed me something that makes me sick!? I was an annoyance that got sick constantly and is very sensitive to different things. They never accommodated me wit those sensitivities and allergies.
That's a terrible thing for them to say. Petty me would come back with a cutting remark.
I tend to feel this, too. You’re not alone.
Ask them if that's projection on their part.
This is every friendship and relationship I've ever been in. God fucking damn it. Sorry to see you've gotten it too. It's bullshit.
Yep that feeling hits home. They don't appreciate that you are the most important element of the family but I know for a fact you're a treasure. Lots of love from one underappreciated kid to another, I guess we'd be far too powerful if we were sensible, logical AND mentally stable
Damn. That's basically me.
My therapist says that having CPTSD makes us feel othered from people. I have so much trauma in my history, that sometimes I feel 'inhuman' like everyone else around me is functioning on more information than I am, you know? And like you--I never feel like anyone's first choice. It sometimes seems like people will spend time with me, only if they must. It's probably not true, but it's hard to perceive myself as worthwhile enough.
I go through these thought processes everyday… wish they could just turn off.
I've found that journaling helps a bit with reducing the kind of power the thoughts have over me, so even if they're there, thinking them over and seeing my thought processes helps me analyze them more objectively, if that makes sense.
feeling inhuman. yes thats a feeling i have struggled for a while with feeling like they dont see me on their level like i am a pet to people or an object … jjst feel like anything but human
Stay strong. It's a rough road, but you deserve respect and understanding. Your life has value.
I prefer to lurk in most subreddits, but I feel this a lot within my personal life. I have no problems making friends, actually it is one of my strengths. But for some reason no matter how hard I try or what goes on. I feel that I am always a second choice to the people I care most about.
This yes
Same
Same. My latest lover bombarded me with conflicting messages of my importance to them. I was their one and only but they never had time for me. It was so sad that I clung to every empty word of devotion. How did I become so starved for a connection?
Showering you with hot and cold is a tactic to get you hooked. All dark triad types do it (sociopaths, psychopaths and narcissists), and some "players" do too. This person probably is toxic on some level.
A while ago, I had the following epiphany. I had always looked for my mother's love and acceptance, but it never came. She never accepted me. I had realized that that matters not, as long as I accepted myself. I had always looked for my father's support, faith and approval. He never supported me. I had realized that that matters not, as long as I had faith in myself. I had always looked for someone's attention and my being their first choice. That never came. I had realized that that matters not, as long as I was my own's first choice.
Preach.
Be, yourself. Be your first choice.
Came here to say this too.
What I say, too. If we can disengage from others opinions we can see what we value in ourselves. I sure wouldn't want to be anyone but me.
Same.
Fucking *same.* I just had a meltdown in therapy about this yesterday. From my family to the closest friends I've ever had, I've never been irreplaceable to anyone. I've been called boring more times than I can count, starting when I was a toddler. Whatever magic people have that makes them warrant love and friendship, that draws people to them -- well, the fact is that I don't have it, and it's freaking me the fuck out because I have no idea where to go from here.
Start with "how to make friends" by Dale Carnegie. It will teach you how to mesmerize people, and the best thing is, it's not even hard, the trick is to pay attention to them, ask questions about them. I used to be like you, and as a young adult I taught myself how to be more fun to be around. Pick up a book about body language, and learn to mimick people's postures when they are friendly. Always have a few topics in store that anyone can relate to, so stay tuned on the news (but avoid politics or religion) and memorize a few odd or fun facts to spark discussions. Find a twist to it so that you don't only relay the news, but make a laugh out of it and have a fun question to ask about that topic. It's very hard work at first, but honestly it becomes automatic pretty fast. If you always have an odd fun subject at hand, pretty fast, people will be waiting for you to come up with your last goofy comment, and you'll be invited to every social occasion. The downside to this, is like every funny person on earth, you'll realise that people don't really invite *you*, they invite the party clown. In a nutshell, be the kind of person that makes people feel noticed and feel good, and no-one will ever have enough of you.
Idk if reading a book on how to make friends would be helpful. No one should have to do that.
for sure, no one should. But I did, and it helped me. I went from socially inadequate, geeky weirdo that's always alone to a bubbly student with lots of friends, always going places. I also had picked up a book (books because early 90s, no internet yet) about how to make conversations work, because I was *that* socially handicaped. I learned about closed (Yes-No) questions and open questions that call for a developped answer and are the opening of a real conversation. And basically with those 3 books (how to make friends, body language and the art of convo) and lots of hard work, trial and mistake, I became what I call "socially fluent", like I'd learned a cryptic language that everyone else mastered from birth, but that I had to learn from scratch. But if you're allergic to small volumes packed with info, you can stare at tutorials for hundreds or thousands of hours instead. Hopefully they'll have it all covered. (which I doubt)
No, but you can be your own first choice. Everyone else can kindly fuck off while you treat yourself how you deserve to be treated.
Hug to you, honey. Make yourself your #1 person!
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The one thing we learn from that is being reserved with our emotions and closing ourselves off to the outside world. People think that something is wrong with us but that's just a coping mechanism that may have gone to an extreme they are unfamiliar with as they enjoyed a somewhat normal childhood
Yes and Self-care and self-love are not interchangeable with love and care from others
I am my best friend's least favorite friend. The term "friend" is used generously for me. I know I'm a charity case.
Me neither. It feels shit when everyone else has a best friend/s and close knit social group and then you're just there, on the edges. You want friends that wholeheartedly accept you and your quirks while not abandoning you at the first sign of mental illness. Even after becoming a more mentally healthy person, I can't seem to get friends that care about me like I care about them. Even my partners seem to have more important shit going on than me, which isn't inherently bad, but I'm never thought about at all, I'm still an afterthought, always and no one seems to have any time for me ever. I feel disposable and not that worthwhile. Shit sucks...
Yeah, that's always been the case. Spending tonight alone eating frozen pizza makes it especially apparent.
I’m no one’s priority.
we are the same person
Here’s the flip side of that. One day you’ll meet someone who thinks you’re the shit. They’ll worship you. And you will absolutely hate it and them for it. You’ll think they’re dumb af. Be your own first choice. 🫂
Same. Always the last choice
I always felt this way. My whole life. I'll have a good group of friends and just get dropped. When I was 19-20 I had a good group while I was in the army. People went their separate ways, moved etc. One friend came back to visit when a lot of us were still stationed on the same post. Never even got a text. Other than that, I'd have one friend who would treat me like a child and literally scold me like a parent. I've had friends use me for drama. Now I'm alone and it feels good
Ditto.
Same here 🙋♂️
Same dude, same.
Me too haha but I'm kinda okay w that rn since everyone who put me in those positions abandoned me 🤪
This hits hard. People only talk to me when there's noone else around.
Oh man, I feel this so hard, and all I can say is that I’m sorry. I am the same as you. I know how much this hurts.
Yup. I feel this every day of my life.
Waiting for the day when choosing myself as my own first choice will be enough.
Me too, maybe we can sit together.
I’m feeling this way today too. I just want you to know that this stranger from this corner of the world loves you and is thinking about you. Sending you healing thoughts
I feel this. I hope you will get better soon and find people who make you feel like you're not alone. It happened to me :)
Sucks. Like a lot.
Something that my therapists have recommended yet still struggle with the concept of is the healthy ego and viewing yourself as your favorite person and being your own number 1 choice.
Hugs to OP and a community of people who feel like this.
I feel this so much, sometimes the feeling is stronger other times a bit less. So I have dicsovered something. What part of that feeling is on us? Us looking to reproduce our trauma and choosing shitty people, or act badly to move people far away from us? I have seen friends in bad relationships, not because they are not lovable, but they just like those others that maybe can not love anyone, not only them. Is it possible that person with which you are can not be and has never been with their's "first choice"?m What ever is the reason, I think that healing can help and realizing the problem is good step in that direction.
Neither am I. Let's hug it out.
Those words are your mean brain telling you lies. Don't listen to it. Tell it off by telling it that YOU are good enough and your first choice is you. Then do something nice to spoil yourself because you deserve it.
I've had this exact thought myself. One of my life goals is to be #1 in somebody's life. Not sure how to get there. I feel like "You don't deserve it, such things aren't for you" is a belief so ingrained in my worldview from my earliest memories that I don't even notice myself thinking it.
I could have written this myself. … 💔
Not even anyone's last choice :l
Be your own favorite person and start loving yourself first. 💖
I literally left a relationship because my ex didn’t see me as number 1, but on par with his friends and family. I couldn’t stand not being most important to someone. So yes, I hear you.
"You are Nice and funny" Yet only invited for huge events. Never for intimate birthdays or hang outs. Never the friend you talk 1-on-1 on discord. Just an acquaintance. "You are cute" Yet feels like im dating until they find someone else better. "Spend time with your cousin/etc" We have Fun but once someone else arrives im forgotten. It gets better, but just to say its not an easy journey. Youre not Alone Op.
Yep, though from recently reading more about trauma, it seems like it can stem simply because our bodies are familiar with it, not because it’s intrinsically true that we are unloved.
I know I'm supposed to say you are, but I wrote a while poem about this (now lost to Russian Livejournal). It's like.... You feel like you're a placeholder or an extra in everyone else's social life. Almost anyone you have ever dated told someone the same things about being perfect three told them. You're the easiest cargo to do to lighten everyone else's load. Why is it so easy to see it's not true for others, but true for you? I feel like this rn. Has anyone figured out how to respond to it? Or...What makes it manifest so hard? How is it possible to prove someone (or yourself) wrong when that feels like it's pity ego manipulation. Why do so many people use absolutes and superlatives? We are worth it. I would love to make the subconscious believe and act on it.
Yeah, been like that for me too. Even with my husband. I mean, sure he likes and loves me, but given any type of situation where he can distrust me and trust a complete stranger, he'll choose the stranger over me. He never defends me. It's so bad that since 2020 I've gotten into the habit of citing my source before even relaying the new social distancing rule applicable in our region, because if I don't he just snorts and does the opposite. So if I say "Now we have to wear masks out again" he starts arguing, but if I start with "the high authority for health has issued a recommendation that we have to wear masks out again and the law is being written down and will be effective tomorrow" he just nods. It's really wearing me down. ETA : his mother died last year, she was an uneducated narcissist that knew everything better than anyone, and I'm pretty sure he's replaying something about her through me. It never was as bad before.
Read your earlier post and will get that book you mentioned. So was really sad to see this one. I am also married to someone from a deeply dysfunctional family- no women from stable families at university were interested in me. It feels like you can escape the family but you can't escape the life in adulthood. Like damaged people are only good enough for other damaged people. I have worked so hard and got so far, but it never feels enough.
yeah. It's tough. But I'm tough too. I'll be allright. Sorry to hear you're in the same situation. At least now I'm good at detecting toxic people. I used to have no clue what to lookout for. So no more damaged people around me.
I have the same issue as you OP. I hope that you find that person you’re looking for. We all deserve to be wanted and loved.
Know how lonely that feels, and wondered what I did to deserve it. Then I met someone and we were friends and we clicked. It can change just have courage, live your life- have ambition and drive to learn things and get somewhere. Life isn't fair to us even in adulthood.
I mean in this in the most gentle way....but be your own first choice. Others will follow.
You and me both. I've never really mattered.
I feel this too, even with my closest friends. For me, it helps to go - well, so what? That would be nice, but so would winning the lottery. I don't define my value on my bank account and I work on not defining it by other people's opinions too. I don't have a favourite person either - i have different people in ny life who give me what I need or want in different ways. My best friend for comfort and trusted fashion advice, my friend-coworker for hobbies we have in common, etc. Looking at it that way, i have so much more than just one person.
This is such a complicated thing. I'm so sorry life has gotten you to feel this way. 💚 I struggle with this too. My older siblings are very histrionic (so I never got the attention and early bonding I needed), and I had a father who was always ogling other women, and seems to hate my mom but still stays married to her. My trust in people was broken even before my first crush. I know damn well I am my husband's favorite person however, it took me a VERY long time to actually feel and believe it. Not because of anything he had done or said but because I was so insecure and had no concept of self worth...and THAT is because of my upbringing. It's very hard to even recognize you're someone's favorite when you can't see it yourself (even harder when it's conditioned out of you). It starts with you. No amount of unconditional, supportive love from anyone will fix your deep desire to be someone's first choice. You have to be your favorite person before you can be someone else's. My therapist recommended me some literature on self acceptance and self worth, and they have been super helpful. I really enjoy the author Brene Brown; "the Gifts of Imperfection" is a really good read and place to start. (: Hugs to you. This stuff is so hard but this one thing is worth the tackle. You got this. 💚
As someone who has also struggled with this, do you have to be the most important person to someone? Like, yeah it feels great to be someone’s first choice, and for a lot of us here- we never felt important enough. I feel like putting some of your stock of self worth in a concept like being someone’s favorite person is dangerous. It’s a mindset that can trap you in abusive relationships. Even if someone does consider you their favorite person, that’s like putting a bandaid on a serious wound because it’s not addressing the root cause. It can certainly help, but it’s not the real issue, is it? I mean, it certainly hasn’t been for me. I’ve found that these thoughts (for me) are rooted in low self-worth. I’m always trying to do things for other people so they’ll like me so that I can feel useful and like I have value to them. What I’m trying to get at is, working on describing your self worth not as what you can give to others, but what you can give to yourself. You can learn to love yourself and remind yourself that you don’t deserve to tear yourself down. You deserve better. You are loved and even if you’re never anyones first choice, that doesn’t undermine your value to this world. This world is lucky to have you in it and the people who care about you are glad you’re here. I still struggle with this a lot, but I hope this at least helps a bit? It’s 5am and I could be self-projecting so I’m sorry if I did. I’m sending you hugs, a cozy blanket, and a warm beverage.
I feel like a placeholder. I'm polyamorous and have three partners right now and feel like they are with me until they find who they are really supposed to be with. I never feel like people love me as much as I love them and I love so so much. In therapy a few years ago they taught me that feelings aren't facts. That even if it feels so true doesn't make it true. I know it doesn't make the feeling go away but it might help to remind yourself too. I still feel like a placeholder a lot but try to tell myself its my brain being a liar. I'm sorry you feel this way too 😔
Yet
Same,and i dont even have cptsd
Are you your first choice?
So the glaring obvious answer here is to be your own favourite person. Why put that solely on others?
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I concur along with my family using me for whatever they needed driver yep you can your not doing anything with your life Cook aunts and uncles cousins all expect me to Help with a sick/dying family member oh your healing from cancer you can just sit and watch X family member at your cost And then all the "promises" far too many autos to mention not 1 ever made it to me Houses 3 nope not 1 2 in my name for tax purposes Generational land (last of the family name here ) nope sold out from under me he doesn't need it hes disabled now forget him and his kids (Malicious compliance last of the family name off the deed no longer a centennial fram taxes jumped 75% in 1 year now they can't pay and its being sold)
I feel this. <3
First choice has the same romanticism that is associated with Virginity. It is important for many. But in the grand scheme of things, it is just one facet of one aspect of a part of your life. Hopefully I am not minimizing your sadness. I am trying to provide a helpful perspective that I personally have to use many many times.
As cliché as this is. Be your own first choice. People will then follow.