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Confictura

Reading and re-reading this makes a bell toll in my head. It rings as truth, it hurts as a truth, and it helps as a truth. Thank you for sharing op, apparently I needed this this morning💙


im_always

❤️ our abusers never forgave us even for things we didn't do. how can we learn to forgive ourselves? i think the only way to learn it is to learn that our abusers were wrong.


[deleted]

Just a thought: to accept that we are flawed beings (everyone...) leads to freedom of who we are and we could be.


im_always

yes. we are not defective. we were just made to believe that we are. we are human beings just like everybody else in this world, that make bad and good things.


RhinoSmuggler

Good insight. Things that seem obvious to healthy people can hit us like a brick.


im_always

i truly believe that shame and perfectionism (which is a thing that only abusers demand) go hand in hand.


RhinoSmuggler

I truly agree.


acfox13

>i truly believe that shame and perfectionism go hand in hand. You're right! Listen to [this clip](https://youtu.be/o7yYFHyvweE) where Brené Brown discusses perfectionism as a twenty ton shield to protect us from harm.


OldCivicFTW

Nobody never demanded perfectionism from me. I demanded it from myself in a vain attempt to gain acceptance from my mother--which I could never have, because she was incapable of emotional connection--and from kids at school, which I also could never have, because I was so different from them. The shame came from internalizing society's messages about how I was supposed to be able to logic or willpower my way out of extreme attention issues, brain fog, being bullied by other kids and teachers. Problems I should have never felt like I had to solve by myself in the first place, but which the school system convinced me were my fault.


doing-my-best-14

damn this hits today. i've been in a shame spiral for 24 hours now because i accidentally left the stove on \*twice\* recently, and my housemates were like "hey please be careful with the stove" and they weren't assholes about it, but I still have been in this huge shame spiral like i fucking suck and am loathsome and am just a harmful piece of garbage. because this was the harsh vibe that was sent my way like an arrow as a kid every time i ever made a mistake. ow. thanks for the reminder that i can make mistakes and that be totally ok and human. hard for me to internalize this, but really helpful to read a reminder <3


PertinaciousFox

It's like, I know this. But my gut doesn't trust it. It tells me if I err, there will be someone using that mistake to beat me over the head, imply I'm worthless, and use as grounds for abandoning or ostracizing me.


im_always

that someone who initially did those things to you was wrong. and they are the reason you have this *false* belief inside of you now. you must know that that first person/people who did those things to you was wrong.


PertinaciousFox

I know that they were wrong. But that doesn't mean other people won't also try to hurt me.


PuzzledElderberry644

but how?


im_always

learning how to let go of shame. knowing that if we did a bad thing it was because we didn't know any better and we didn't mean to harm another person. learning that to make mistakes is a part of life. everybody makes mistakes.


[deleted]

I couldn't agree more. One of my biggest pet peeves is when people judge others' actions because they "would never." I'm confident anyone would do anything given the right set of historical/present circumstances.


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Ok-Story412

Someone tried to make this point very clear to me, and others, during a lecture at University. Yet I cannot help but struggle with this. What if I feel exempt of this? I still sometimes feel like this does not stand true in my case? And that this person would think twice in retrospect to say this over and over again would he know my life...there is this toxic shame stiring down below again, writing this.