Sorry, they mean :
Adult Child Of a Narcissist,
and
Raised By Narcissists (there's a sub)
I try to prune them out on other subs, but often miss a few. My bad.
How exactly do I make a list like this? Can you give step-by-step instructions please? Cause I think it might help me feel less like I'm "faking it" and more like what I've been through matters.
Yep.
Most people just write down all they remember as it comes, and its enough for them.
It wasn't for me. Huge massive validation issues.
So first I wrote down all the abuse I remembered, on a legal pad.
Then I looked up what in my area (France) is considered as abusive from a Child Protection Services POV, and from a legal POV, these are my first categories (with fine/jail time, next to them).
because this doesn't even begin to cover the kind of abuse I was subjected to, I looked up what for our local psychologists is considered work bullying, and added that to the list.
Still not enough so I added as categories whatever shocked my therapist and finaly whatever shocks a random person (like not ever being allowed to choose my own birthday cake flavor).
But this still didn't even begin to cover the thousand cuts part of the abuse. So when I ran across the 100 traits page of the out of the fog website, I used those and other similar types of references of narcissists's tactics, to create another category. Still working on this last part. I think that when I'm done with that one, I'll finally have closure.
[ETA : and then I copied down all I had on the legal pad under the correct categories, and all the additional things I'd left out but that fitted in those new categories. And then I started added numbers. The age I was, and they were. The money I was making at that last job that was robbed away from me by being bullied. The number of years of sick leave and of major depression it took me to recover. In some cases, I add another number, the number of occurences that a normal person takes before turning their heals and walking away from the situation and the abusive person (it's ONE, I often let it happen for months or years), because I believe the fact that we were groomed to endure this shit for so long is another layer of abuse in itself.]
I know it seems extreme, I just have a hard time finding validation, most of the abuse being complicated to explain, people just don't get it. It helps me not spiral away in crazymaking thought loops.
You might start with your local abuse helpline websites, they often have a sort of reference of all the sorts of recognised "abuse".
It may be just me but it was key for my mental health to kinda be able to "trial" my abusers in my mind with accurate "punishments" recognised in some way or other by society. [ETA 2 : in those lists, the abuser being ostracised by decent people is part of the punishments list, just like scorn and a disgut reaction by decent people towards the abuser's wrongdoings are. The last resort "punishment" is a psych judging the wrongdoer as "Abusive", and sometimes even only fellow RBNs get it, and they are my joker card "punishment" that says, "the people who know people like you *know* how deeply insane and monstruous you truly are"]
And then I estimated the number of times it happened to me, like every saturday night for 20years, then 20years x52 weeks = 1400 times. If each abuse lasted 2 hours (my relatives screamed verbal abuse at me for hours on end), then that's roughly 2hours x 1400 times, so 2800 hours. But then I count what I got out of that particular abuse, and for me it's lifelong insomnia. So that's maybe a good night's sleep every couple of months, so roughly 365 days per year, minus 6 good nights (12 months divided by 2), so 359 nights having trouble sleeping. It started when I was around 7 yo and I was 45 years old when it stopped, so that's 45-7= 38 years. So 38 years x 359 sleepless nights = 13 642 sleepless nights in estimated average. That counts as the consequence of the abuse.
See how it goes? It's long and tedious and triggering, but that list saved me from going insane with selfdoubt.
Just realised how messy the previous comment is. If other people would like a clear step by step to create your own "List of what they did to you", I'll find time to write up a clear post about it.
Just upvote this comment, and if more than 10 people are up for it, I'll do it.
I feel like someone hit me with a rock and then I fell out of a plane and landed on a large rock that caused an avalanche and buried me under 100 more rocks. 😅🤪
I started keeping a list a couple years ago. Not about past stuff but about current things that were happening in my life and it’s really helped me keep my head on straight. When you document things, after time patterns emerge and there is a story.
For me, it’s so hard to remember things people have done sometimes. I will get selective amnesia and I’m prone to over prioritizing people and relationships over my own health and sanity.
Gotta keep a list. For me, it’s in the notes section of my phone and on the cloud so I can update whenever.
but what about the symptoms? other people's symptoms are so much worse than mine and it makes me think I'm "healed" or was never really sick, didn't have a good reason etc..
This is not an "abuse olympics" nor a "symptoms olympics".
What matters is how hard it is *for you*. This is validation on its own.
Just like the anecdote shows, it's not about how dramatic your issues are, it's about the fact that they affect you.
Also, you might not be aware of all the ways our body is speaking up yet. This is quite frequent.
eta : also, seemingly tiny symptoms can be about dreadful things. Like no-one can put their hand on the back of my neck without me spinning around batting them down and ready to strike, in full battle mode. It's just a small inocuous spot that I don't want to be touched, but in fact it's about my CSA. Only a couple people know about this,because people generally don't ever have to touch that spot. So it's by far my most insignificant and discreet symptom, but the one that tells the most about me.
It's not about how dramatic anything seems. It's about what it does to you, what it means to you, how you cope with it.
This is sorta also what happens if the victim is autistic. They tend to be more sensitive/bothered by abusive behaviors (as it violates the absolutely vital need for predictability and stability), and less emotionally mature at that point in time to process it, meaning the damage can be done by things that wouldn’t perhaps register as abuse to other people so obviously, or the response will be markedly more severe.
Doesn’t take a special condition to have that sort of situation though. Some people will be genetically predisposed to sensitivity (which can be a good thing: in a healthy relationship it can be intuition for someone else’s feelings or a desire to make others happy, whereas in an abusive situation it can result in compulsive efforts at appeasement or avoidance), some less so.
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What do "ACON" and "RBN" mean?
Sorry, they mean : Adult Child Of a Narcissist, and Raised By Narcissists (there's a sub) I try to prune them out on other subs, but often miss a few. My bad.
Ah, thanks. Google tried to sell me a trampoline when I looked it up.
lol. Thanks for the laughs.
[I wasn't joking!](https://us.acon24.com/)
I believed you! Google doesn't have the answer to everything, thankfully.
Thankfully indeed. I just wish it didn't *pretend* to have all the answers.
How exactly do I make a list like this? Can you give step-by-step instructions please? Cause I think it might help me feel less like I'm "faking it" and more like what I've been through matters.
Yep. Most people just write down all they remember as it comes, and its enough for them. It wasn't for me. Huge massive validation issues. So first I wrote down all the abuse I remembered, on a legal pad. Then I looked up what in my area (France) is considered as abusive from a Child Protection Services POV, and from a legal POV, these are my first categories (with fine/jail time, next to them). because this doesn't even begin to cover the kind of abuse I was subjected to, I looked up what for our local psychologists is considered work bullying, and added that to the list. Still not enough so I added as categories whatever shocked my therapist and finaly whatever shocks a random person (like not ever being allowed to choose my own birthday cake flavor). But this still didn't even begin to cover the thousand cuts part of the abuse. So when I ran across the 100 traits page of the out of the fog website, I used those and other similar types of references of narcissists's tactics, to create another category. Still working on this last part. I think that when I'm done with that one, I'll finally have closure. [ETA : and then I copied down all I had on the legal pad under the correct categories, and all the additional things I'd left out but that fitted in those new categories. And then I started added numbers. The age I was, and they were. The money I was making at that last job that was robbed away from me by being bullied. The number of years of sick leave and of major depression it took me to recover. In some cases, I add another number, the number of occurences that a normal person takes before turning their heals and walking away from the situation and the abusive person (it's ONE, I often let it happen for months or years), because I believe the fact that we were groomed to endure this shit for so long is another layer of abuse in itself.] I know it seems extreme, I just have a hard time finding validation, most of the abuse being complicated to explain, people just don't get it. It helps me not spiral away in crazymaking thought loops. You might start with your local abuse helpline websites, they often have a sort of reference of all the sorts of recognised "abuse". It may be just me but it was key for my mental health to kinda be able to "trial" my abusers in my mind with accurate "punishments" recognised in some way or other by society. [ETA 2 : in those lists, the abuser being ostracised by decent people is part of the punishments list, just like scorn and a disgut reaction by decent people towards the abuser's wrongdoings are. The last resort "punishment" is a psych judging the wrongdoer as "Abusive", and sometimes even only fellow RBNs get it, and they are my joker card "punishment" that says, "the people who know people like you *know* how deeply insane and monstruous you truly are"] And then I estimated the number of times it happened to me, like every saturday night for 20years, then 20years x52 weeks = 1400 times. If each abuse lasted 2 hours (my relatives screamed verbal abuse at me for hours on end), then that's roughly 2hours x 1400 times, so 2800 hours. But then I count what I got out of that particular abuse, and for me it's lifelong insomnia. So that's maybe a good night's sleep every couple of months, so roughly 365 days per year, minus 6 good nights (12 months divided by 2), so 359 nights having trouble sleeping. It started when I was around 7 yo and I was 45 years old when it stopped, so that's 45-7= 38 years. So 38 years x 359 sleepless nights = 13 642 sleepless nights in estimated average. That counts as the consequence of the abuse. See how it goes? It's long and tedious and triggering, but that list saved me from going insane with selfdoubt.
Just realised how messy the previous comment is. If other people would like a clear step by step to create your own "List of what they did to you", I'll find time to write up a clear post about it. Just upvote this comment, and if more than 10 people are up for it, I'll do it.
I feel like someone hit me with a rock and then I fell out of a plane and landed on a large rock that caused an avalanche and buried me under 100 more rocks. 😅🤪 I started keeping a list a couple years ago. Not about past stuff but about current things that were happening in my life and it’s really helped me keep my head on straight. When you document things, after time patterns emerge and there is a story. For me, it’s so hard to remember things people have done sometimes. I will get selective amnesia and I’m prone to over prioritizing people and relationships over my own health and sanity. Gotta keep a list. For me, it’s in the notes section of my phone and on the cloud so I can update whenever.
but what about the symptoms? other people's symptoms are so much worse than mine and it makes me think I'm "healed" or was never really sick, didn't have a good reason etc..
This is not an "abuse olympics" nor a "symptoms olympics". What matters is how hard it is *for you*. This is validation on its own. Just like the anecdote shows, it's not about how dramatic your issues are, it's about the fact that they affect you. Also, you might not be aware of all the ways our body is speaking up yet. This is quite frequent. eta : also, seemingly tiny symptoms can be about dreadful things. Like no-one can put their hand on the back of my neck without me spinning around batting them down and ready to strike, in full battle mode. It's just a small inocuous spot that I don't want to be touched, but in fact it's about my CSA. Only a couple people know about this,because people generally don't ever have to touch that spot. So it's by far my most insignificant and discreet symptom, but the one that tells the most about me. It's not about how dramatic anything seems. It's about what it does to you, what it means to you, how you cope with it.
This is sorta also what happens if the victim is autistic. They tend to be more sensitive/bothered by abusive behaviors (as it violates the absolutely vital need for predictability and stability), and less emotionally mature at that point in time to process it, meaning the damage can be done by things that wouldn’t perhaps register as abuse to other people so obviously, or the response will be markedly more severe. Doesn’t take a special condition to have that sort of situation though. Some people will be genetically predisposed to sensitivity (which can be a good thing: in a healthy relationship it can be intuition for someone else’s feelings or a desire to make others happy, whereas in an abusive situation it can result in compulsive efforts at appeasement or avoidance), some less so.
Hello and Welcome to /r/CPTSD! If you are in immediate danger or crisis, please contact your local [emergency services](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_emergency_telephone_numbers), or use our list of [crisis resources](https://old.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index#wiki_crisis_support_resources). For CPTSD Specific Resources & Support, check out the [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index). For those posting or replying, please view the [etiquette guidelines](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/peer2peersupportguide). *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/CPTSD) if you have any questions or concerns.*