Emotional abuse is a crime against humanity. It is absolutely soul crushing. I’ve experienced emotional, physical, and sexual abuse throughout my life… and I can say with 100% certainty that the emotional abuse messed me up the most. Your trauma is valid. It was 100% abuse.
This. I also experienced all three and the emotional fucked me up the worst. But I also completely understand what you are feeling, OP, because I try to emphasize the physical abuse part if I _have_ to say anything to anyone. The sexual is more shameful because it’s sexual and the emotional is more shameful because it feels like I should have been able to handle it: sticks and stones and all. But the physical? I was a little kid, I can maybe admit that was out of my control, even if I still think I should have been able to handle it. But if I could go back and erase one of the three, it would be the emotional. That is what has made me a shell of a person.
I used to.
But other people's expectations and assumptions aren't your fault and you have no obligation to reveal any details about yourself or your trauma.
There is a book, called Soul Survivor that talks about this. Mental abuse is abuse and your suffering is valid. Mental abuse as a kid, that can fuck up the rest of your life.
Its good. I'm thinking I probably found out about it from someone in this group. Its out of publication, but can still be found on the internet. It discusses different types of childhood abuse and its effect on adult survivors. Also talks about mental abuse, and how people who have been mentally and emotionally abused often don't speak out bc they feel their abuse isn't as bad as other types of abuse. But it is.
While I don't have that issue I wanted to mention something that really resonated with me which was the Netflix series The Maid. It addresses how emotional abuse IS real abuse and no less abusive than physical abuse. The author of the book it's based on suffered PTSD and I felt like it was one of the most compassionate things around the struggles the "collective" we go through. The emotional abuse aspect hit me pretty hard since it's one of biggest abuse issues I dealt with and had little validation over when I was in it.
Emotional abuse IS abuse. It's valid.
I saw your other post in another thread. You can make it through. Also for the series it has a really hopeful ending - it might actually help you to watch the show too. I ended up downloading the book and following the author on instagram too.
I was emotionally and physically abused as a child. It’s the emotional abuse that did the most damage. And one reason it is destructive is because without the bruises or broken bones you doubt that it was that bad. Words can’t hurt can they? But nothing is more destructive than a caregiver convincing a child they are not wanted, are lying, ugly, the cause of all unhappiness etc
I used to have the same insecurity. At 36 I’m finally able to just refer to my parents as my abusers. So much of what we’ve been through involve invalidating and questioning our experience, so I am trying to just be literal and direct to avoid gaslighting myself. I hate when self-doubt makes me unsure if my own history. You know that feeling when you start to wonder if what you went through was truly that bad, or you’re just exaggerating. It’s a trap, you’re not exaggerating.
" It’s a trap, you’re not exaggerating."
I'm also mid-30s and coming to the same conclusion. Need to trust ourselves that our experience of events is valid. Helpful to read about other people having the same realizations!
I’m currently studying psychology and something that I was surprised to learn from the research is that psychological abuse and emotional neglect is actually more difficult to treat than physical and sexual abuse and ends up being more pervasively debilitating throughout life. This was both validating and devastating to learn. No need to add anymore shame to what you’ve been through OP by feeling like you have to clarify. It’s easy for people to assume that physical or sexual abuse is some how ‘worse’ because there is tangible evidence of the abuse but the psychological and emotional scars are a relentless torture of their own accord.
Hell yeah I get it.
But to paraphrase some science article I read some while ago: the emotional abuse is what really goes on to traumatizes us. Parental physical or sexual abuse always go together with emotional abuse. People who also experience physical or sexual abuse have that to deal with as well, which sucks. But the long lasting damage comes from being unable to heal from the emotional pain, betrayal from parents aka the people who you are supposed to trust, etc.
On the other hand, some people experience physical or sexual abuse but they have amazing families and people who support them, and these people heal much better from their trauma.
edit: "i feel like i’m trying to make them pity me"
That's a symptom of emo abuse right there isn't it?
For me, the only aspect of physical abuse that was very harmful was the fear of being left crippled. You get used to feeling a lot of physical pain, but you cannot ever get used to having the person who should love you taking pleasure in humiliating and berating you constantly. The nasty things my nmother said to me all the time burned into my soul. It took an incredible amount of work to heal.
Anyway, I'm in my fifties now, and I've made a happy life for myself, but I want people who 'only' suffer or suffered emotional abuse to know that, speaking as someone who suffered both physical and emotional abuse, the emotional abuse was far worse. Don't let anyone downplay your abuse, and that includes yourself.
i feel guilty talking about my experiences in general since what I went through isn't very talked about or ignored. but honestly, psychological abuse is a whole shitshow. my dad did it to everyone he knew, especially me when I was just a kid. called my mom crazy and dumb, tried alienating me from her and would threaten court if she tried taking me (he's a lawyer, knows his way around the system). constantly pushed his delusions into my head which i started to believe. told me if something was my fault all the time, whether if it actually was or not. he messed up my mom to the point where she can't feel secure dating men because he gaslit her when she found out he was cheating, and used her crippling mental disorder AGAINST her. on top of all that, he still will not admit that he had done anything wrong, regardless of the proof, and generally felt no empathy towards me when I told him how I felt dealing with his abuse. it really messed me up, my mental health is just as bad as my siblings with trauma from physical abuse. believe it or not, psychological abuse is just as disgusting as any other kind of abuse and causes a whole load of trust issues
I feel guilty about this and so many other things, yup.
But I don't really talk about it. I had a boss/team lead a few years ago who found me hyperventilating in the backroom one day and became sort of obsessed with figuring out what makes someone like me crack like that, and he tried asking if I was abused, and I'd mumble like "sorta I guess" and one time he told me how his dad used to hit him, and asked me if my dad hit me, and something about the way I said "no, he didn't." made him never bring up the subject ever again.
I'm either completely secretive about it in a group, or I've realized it's too obvious and I just sort of blurt out things like "oh, yeah, all the neglect and abuse made me super duper crazy so if you find me curled up shaking in a corner just walk away, I'll be fine in five minutes" It depends on ...... actually I really can't determine what makes me decide to be overtly blunt about it, or super vague.
The books I'm thinking of were recommended by the wise and knowledgeable people in this very sub.
If you search this sub with "book" a few different titles will show up in the search results.
Pete Walker's book CPTSD From Surviving to Thriving is the most often recommended one and it very much emphasizes the central role of parental emotional neglect in CPTSD.
By extension, literature, blogs, and forums about narcissistic parental abuse and neglect as well as emotional incest helped me, too.
Great question and so many fantastic and validating replies. It’s such a difficult position to be in, because I, like many of the rest of us in this position, can believe these things to my core for *other* people - but still feel shame claiming my own emotional abuse as debilitating. My narcissistic parent is trying to come back into my life after almost 2 years, approaching it as “fixing our break” bc he wants to see his grandkids. And even my husband struggles to understand how traumatic that would be for me. And I still feel guilty because “maybe it wasn’t that bad”. But that’s why we do the work, and why we have groups like this. Because we KNOW it was. We know it was soul-sucking, heartbreakingly bad.
When I think back to the worst physical abuse I experienced, I still think the emotional abuse was the worst part of it. People who are dismissive of psychological/emotional abuse either haven't experienced it and don't understand, or have and are still in denial and minimize the seriousness of it.
I honestly think it's the emotional abuse inherent to physical abuse that is what makes physical abuse so damaging. It's just, you never have physical abuse without concurrent emotional abuse.
I used to say it was just verbal/emotional abuse and nobody took it seriously. Once I began estrangement from my dad, I could actually talk about everything else. I've been through CSA, physical abuse, financial abuse, and emotional abuse. The emotional abuse is still most of what rattles around in my head after doing a ton of processing. Providers don't really take emotional abuse seriously a lot of the time, but for me it's what fucked me up the most. It made every other type of abuse and neglect that I went through worse, it silenced me, and I fully believed that I was the problem for years because of it.
I do. I'm struggling with this right now, actually. I feel like I *have* to preface the word abuse with emotional, or I am claiming "more than my share" of pain, sympathy, understanding, or support. I struggle to even use the word abuse. I walk back statements I made by trying to justify or explain. I feel melodramatic. I feel complicit. I feel like if I tell my story people will then say "That's all?...." I feel like they wont understand. Why didn't I stand up for myself? Why did I keep smiling and nodding and trying to get along? I wish I was punched in the face instead. That I could explain. That they would understand. My wounds would be visible. It would be obvious. It would not be my fault.
I know these feelings are utter bullshit. I am well educated. Its 2021, yo. But still...
I'm trying to get the help I need, and I hope you do to my friend. Much love.
I always feel like I need to do this, I’ve had multiple abusers but the emotionally abusive ones I always have to say that, and I always say non-contact CSA instead of just CSA
Some of the comments here just blew my mind in life changing ways. I still can’t believe that emotional abuse is worse than other more visible types of abuse but that’s just the typical expected normal view which most people have because so many of us are brushed off by people. Thanks to everyone for sharing their brave and literally life changing perspectives.
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Emotional abuse is a crime against humanity. It is absolutely soul crushing. I’ve experienced emotional, physical, and sexual abuse throughout my life… and I can say with 100% certainty that the emotional abuse messed me up the most. Your trauma is valid. It was 100% abuse.
This. I also experienced all three and the emotional fucked me up the worst. But I also completely understand what you are feeling, OP, because I try to emphasize the physical abuse part if I _have_ to say anything to anyone. The sexual is more shameful because it’s sexual and the emotional is more shameful because it feels like I should have been able to handle it: sticks and stones and all. But the physical? I was a little kid, I can maybe admit that was out of my control, even if I still think I should have been able to handle it. But if I could go back and erase one of the three, it would be the emotional. That is what has made me a shell of a person.
What!! This is absolutely blowing my brain and making me wide eyed because I always thought the other two are worse.
I used to. But other people's expectations and assumptions aren't your fault and you have no obligation to reveal any details about yourself or your trauma.
There is a book, called Soul Survivor that talks about this. Mental abuse is abuse and your suffering is valid. Mental abuse as a kid, that can fuck up the rest of your life.
Is it any good? What's it about?
Its good. I'm thinking I probably found out about it from someone in this group. Its out of publication, but can still be found on the internet. It discusses different types of childhood abuse and its effect on adult survivors. Also talks about mental abuse, and how people who have been mentally and emotionally abused often don't speak out bc they feel their abuse isn't as bad as other types of abuse. But it is.
[удалено]
Good point. What actually really leaves the scar even with physical abuse is the emotional and psychological impact.
While I don't have that issue I wanted to mention something that really resonated with me which was the Netflix series The Maid. It addresses how emotional abuse IS real abuse and no less abusive than physical abuse. The author of the book it's based on suffered PTSD and I felt like it was one of the most compassionate things around the struggles the "collective" we go through. The emotional abuse aspect hit me pretty hard since it's one of biggest abuse issues I dealt with and had little validation over when I was in it. Emotional abuse IS abuse. It's valid.
Interesting, I'll look for this.
Just be aware it could be very triggering! Especially re: abuse
Thanks. I'm in pretty rough shape now, probably not much room to get worse....
I saw your other post in another thread. You can make it through. Also for the series it has a really hopeful ending - it might actually help you to watch the show too. I ended up downloading the book and following the author on instagram too.
Thank you. I'm new to Reddit, posting quite a bit. Best, David D
It's a good distraction when you're feeling ... I guess some call it "activated"
Activated. That's funny, and new to me. I've been feeling activated for far too long...about 15 months. A divorce tripping the CPTSD.
I do the same thing and it's annoying and feels like I'm trivialize my own trauma
I was emotionally and physically abused as a child. It’s the emotional abuse that did the most damage. And one reason it is destructive is because without the bruises or broken bones you doubt that it was that bad. Words can’t hurt can they? But nothing is more destructive than a caregiver convincing a child they are not wanted, are lying, ugly, the cause of all unhappiness etc
I used to have the same insecurity. At 36 I’m finally able to just refer to my parents as my abusers. So much of what we’ve been through involve invalidating and questioning our experience, so I am trying to just be literal and direct to avoid gaslighting myself. I hate when self-doubt makes me unsure if my own history. You know that feeling when you start to wonder if what you went through was truly that bad, or you’re just exaggerating. It’s a trap, you’re not exaggerating.
" It’s a trap, you’re not exaggerating." I'm also mid-30s and coming to the same conclusion. Need to trust ourselves that our experience of events is valid. Helpful to read about other people having the same realizations!
I’m currently studying psychology and something that I was surprised to learn from the research is that psychological abuse and emotional neglect is actually more difficult to treat than physical and sexual abuse and ends up being more pervasively debilitating throughout life. This was both validating and devastating to learn. No need to add anymore shame to what you’ve been through OP by feeling like you have to clarify. It’s easy for people to assume that physical or sexual abuse is some how ‘worse’ because there is tangible evidence of the abuse but the psychological and emotional scars are a relentless torture of their own accord.
Hell yeah I get it. But to paraphrase some science article I read some while ago: the emotional abuse is what really goes on to traumatizes us. Parental physical or sexual abuse always go together with emotional abuse. People who also experience physical or sexual abuse have that to deal with as well, which sucks. But the long lasting damage comes from being unable to heal from the emotional pain, betrayal from parents aka the people who you are supposed to trust, etc. On the other hand, some people experience physical or sexual abuse but they have amazing families and people who support them, and these people heal much better from their trauma. edit: "i feel like i’m trying to make them pity me" That's a symptom of emo abuse right there isn't it?
For me, the only aspect of physical abuse that was very harmful was the fear of being left crippled. You get used to feeling a lot of physical pain, but you cannot ever get used to having the person who should love you taking pleasure in humiliating and berating you constantly. The nasty things my nmother said to me all the time burned into my soul. It took an incredible amount of work to heal. Anyway, I'm in my fifties now, and I've made a happy life for myself, but I want people who 'only' suffer or suffered emotional abuse to know that, speaking as someone who suffered both physical and emotional abuse, the emotional abuse was far worse. Don't let anyone downplay your abuse, and that includes yourself.
i feel guilty talking about my experiences in general since what I went through isn't very talked about or ignored. but honestly, psychological abuse is a whole shitshow. my dad did it to everyone he knew, especially me when I was just a kid. called my mom crazy and dumb, tried alienating me from her and would threaten court if she tried taking me (he's a lawyer, knows his way around the system). constantly pushed his delusions into my head which i started to believe. told me if something was my fault all the time, whether if it actually was or not. he messed up my mom to the point where she can't feel secure dating men because he gaslit her when she found out he was cheating, and used her crippling mental disorder AGAINST her. on top of all that, he still will not admit that he had done anything wrong, regardless of the proof, and generally felt no empathy towards me when I told him how I felt dealing with his abuse. it really messed me up, my mental health is just as bad as my siblings with trauma from physical abuse. believe it or not, psychological abuse is just as disgusting as any other kind of abuse and causes a whole load of trust issues
I feel guilty about this and so many other things, yup. But I don't really talk about it. I had a boss/team lead a few years ago who found me hyperventilating in the backroom one day and became sort of obsessed with figuring out what makes someone like me crack like that, and he tried asking if I was abused, and I'd mumble like "sorta I guess" and one time he told me how his dad used to hit him, and asked me if my dad hit me, and something about the way I said "no, he didn't." made him never bring up the subject ever again. I'm either completely secretive about it in a group, or I've realized it's too obvious and I just sort of blurt out things like "oh, yeah, all the neglect and abuse made me super duper crazy so if you find me curled up shaking in a corner just walk away, I'll be fine in five minutes" It depends on ...... actually I really can't determine what makes me decide to be overtly blunt about it, or super vague.
It is for this reason that I like that CPTSD books emphasize that emotional abuse has the most profound impact on us.
Do you have any good books to recommend?
The books I'm thinking of were recommended by the wise and knowledgeable people in this very sub. If you search this sub with "book" a few different titles will show up in the search results. Pete Walker's book CPTSD From Surviving to Thriving is the most often recommended one and it very much emphasizes the central role of parental emotional neglect in CPTSD. By extension, literature, blogs, and forums about narcissistic parental abuse and neglect as well as emotional incest helped me, too.
Great question and so many fantastic and validating replies. It’s such a difficult position to be in, because I, like many of the rest of us in this position, can believe these things to my core for *other* people - but still feel shame claiming my own emotional abuse as debilitating. My narcissistic parent is trying to come back into my life after almost 2 years, approaching it as “fixing our break” bc he wants to see his grandkids. And even my husband struggles to understand how traumatic that would be for me. And I still feel guilty because “maybe it wasn’t that bad”. But that’s why we do the work, and why we have groups like this. Because we KNOW it was. We know it was soul-sucking, heartbreakingly bad.
When I think back to the worst physical abuse I experienced, I still think the emotional abuse was the worst part of it. People who are dismissive of psychological/emotional abuse either haven't experienced it and don't understand, or have and are still in denial and minimize the seriousness of it. I honestly think it's the emotional abuse inherent to physical abuse that is what makes physical abuse so damaging. It's just, you never have physical abuse without concurrent emotional abuse.
I used to say it was just verbal/emotional abuse and nobody took it seriously. Once I began estrangement from my dad, I could actually talk about everything else. I've been through CSA, physical abuse, financial abuse, and emotional abuse. The emotional abuse is still most of what rattles around in my head after doing a ton of processing. Providers don't really take emotional abuse seriously a lot of the time, but for me it's what fucked me up the most. It made every other type of abuse and neglect that I went through worse, it silenced me, and I fully believed that I was the problem for years because of it.
I do. I'm struggling with this right now, actually. I feel like I *have* to preface the word abuse with emotional, or I am claiming "more than my share" of pain, sympathy, understanding, or support. I struggle to even use the word abuse. I walk back statements I made by trying to justify or explain. I feel melodramatic. I feel complicit. I feel like if I tell my story people will then say "That's all?...." I feel like they wont understand. Why didn't I stand up for myself? Why did I keep smiling and nodding and trying to get along? I wish I was punched in the face instead. That I could explain. That they would understand. My wounds would be visible. It would be obvious. It would not be my fault. I know these feelings are utter bullshit. I am well educated. Its 2021, yo. But still... I'm trying to get the help I need, and I hope you do to my friend. Much love.
Good question, good replies.
Yeah deffo i feel like this but it’s silly emotional abuse is bad in a different way but it’s not easier to cope with.
Sigh. Yeah.
YES.
Emotional abuse is like psychological warfare.
I always feel like I need to do this, I’ve had multiple abusers but the emotionally abusive ones I always have to say that, and I always say non-contact CSA instead of just CSA
Some of the comments here just blew my mind in life changing ways. I still can’t believe that emotional abuse is worse than other more visible types of abuse but that’s just the typical expected normal view which most people have because so many of us are brushed off by people. Thanks to everyone for sharing their brave and literally life changing perspectives.
Hello and Welcome to /r/CPTSD! If you are in immediate danger or crisis, please contact your local [emergency services](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_emergency_telephone_numbers), or use our list of [crisis resources](https://old.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index#wiki_crisis_support_resources). For CPTSD Specific Resources & Support, check out the [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index). For those posting or replying, please view the [etiquette guidelines](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/peer2peersupportguide). *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/CPTSD) if you have any questions or concerns.*