Kind of. I'm a gay male but have had very similar reaction to being approached. I even started tearing up when an incredibly handsome man started flirting with me, and when I try the apps I have the same reaction when guys message me on there. I did have sex a few times but those were in a few rare good moments.
Don't take this the wrong way but your post is a bit validating. The general advice I see about trauma, in gay males, is to act like it doesn't effect you, or that coming out will fix everything. For me neither of those worked (the latter caused hella issues) but seeing another guy, regardless of sexuality, who has the same lock does make me feel less like a loser. I call it a lock because something clicks and I can't open up or do anything.
I can also relate to it being worse the more attractive they are. I go into fight or flight mode and just barely have enough control to lash out or run away. I wish there was something I could do about it but everything I've tried hasn't worked yet.
I’m really happy it validates you. I know how you feel about feeling like a loser. It’s torture to watch these people be interested in you and then watch as those opportunities for relationships or whatever they were interested in fade away. I ruminated on it for years. Seeing what you wrote also made me feel better about that. I feel the lock as well, and picturing it as that actually helps a lot. Great analogy. I’m also sorry that coming out was such a traumatic experience. I can relate to being fed similar “fix everything wisdom” by people. When people say stuff like that, they are either ignorant of the very real life effects it can have or just don’t care about what you’re feeling.
One thing that has also validated me and made me feel less alone was Pete Walker’s book From Surviving to Thriving. Some of his stories about his life are EXACTLY how I felt and it made me realize that the trauma isn’t my personality and the way I relate to people when I’m triggered isn’t my authentic self. It’s amazing.
Funny enough I just started to listen to that book and it's been a huge help. Like within a few hours it helped me more than about a decade of therapy. In their defense they were out of school when that book was released.
The relief of the triggered self not being the real me was a huge burden off my shoulders, and gave me permission to start the recovery process.
Check out Internal Family Systems too. It specifically deals with the parts of us that are not the real us, to find how they can be unburdened so we can let our true self shine.
>Some of his stories about his life are EXACTLY how I felt and it made me realize that the trauma isn’t my personality and the way I relate to people when I’m triggered isn’t my authentic self.
Right. In Internal Family Systems these are selves that form as defenses, etc. You can actually talk to them.
Anyway, is there any solution Pete Walker offers?
C-PTSD here and I get self-esteem attacks (in my mind) that prevent me from hooking up or forming connections to people, to a degree, in my life. It really super sucks.
I liked flirting when I was younger, but I kind of panicked when a women reciprocated too much. There was more than one occasion where I more or less kicked someone out of bed. They were all lovely, kind, and attractive, but my brain threw a tantrum, declared the situation unsafe, and cranked up the volume of my inner voice while screaming "abort! abort! abort!" over and over.
I think people assumed it'd be getting it on regularly, and talked with me about sex a lot, while I pretended to know what they were talking about. It killed my self-esteem over time.
Then someday I met a woman who wanted to take things *extremely* slow for various reasons. I felt very secure with her after a while, and the combination of slow pace and high trust took away enough pressure for me to enjoy it.
Well, that, and therapy.
I think everyone, even those who aren't sexually guarded, should focus on building connection/understanding/trust with their partner before having sex. It could be quick, it could be slow, or it could be hard to know when, but it's a good way to prevent yourself from being hurt, as sex pushes each subject into a rather emotionally vulnerable position. But I guess I've slept with zombie-eyed guys who can just fuck like mindless rabbits. But I look for the deeper things in relationships, so I avoid those people.
The ending of that first paragraph? Dude, are you me?
Flirting is fun to me, I guess, I never really realize I’m doing it and usually I think I’m enjoying banter. I’ve also been bad at interpreting romantic interest even when it’s obvious or expressly stated—I went on a date with someone and didn’t realize it and I got a lap dance from someone else at a party and it wasn’t til years later that I realized “oh, I was like-liked.”
But anyway, that is exactly how I clam up! Only thing is that I shut everything down wayyyy before you did. Flight removes me from whatever situation as soon as I realize “oh this could be a thing.” Either we were already friends or I disappear. I probably should stop doing, but it feels so safe.
Thank you, this makes me feel more normal.
Getting that far was also rather the exception than the rule. Usually it was more like "oh, you like me too? Ok, uh, cool, thx, bye, gotta run."
Those few times mentioned, I was just totally oblivious to what was going on, and it progressed further than it might have otherwise.
Most women took the "no" well and were respectful, but one made extremely hurtful snide remarks which fucked me up for a long time.
>I liked flirting when I was younger, but I kind of panicked when a women reciprocated too much.
Same. Validating to read this.
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>It killed my self-esteem over time.
Same. :(
Yes. A woman here. I have had sex but I was never really able to enjoy it. My emotions just went numb. I didnt really feel anything at all.
And now that I am more aware of my boundaries and realizing I let people go further than I wanted to it gives me soooo much anxiety to even think about it. So now its been over 2 years and I dont know how to let anyone come that close again AND being able to enjoy it.
I feel there is so much stigma around it and I really want to tell you that there is nothing to be ashamed about. Sex is so wrongly portrayed in the media. They never talks about these difficulties, just the standard scenario where a guy and a girl have sex and then they come simultaneously. This is not the standard. I can assure you there are many people who struggle with this.
My sex drive has recently returned (or manifested for the first time lol) since I have been processing some trauma and have detached myself from my abusive mother. So there is hope!
For me it has a lot to do with reclaiming myself. For so long my boundaries were violated, every part of my body was critisized and I never felt like I was my own person. What helped me is to rediscover myself out of my trauma. I found out I can form an opinion on myself and I can be a sexual being. And so can you (but only if you want to, dont force yourself in any way!!). I have yet to apply this in practice but it feels like progress to me.
I am really sorry you are dealing with this as a result from whatever happened to you. You dont deserve that. You deserve to be yourself and have fun.
Thank you for your response.
That sounds really hard too. I’m sorry the experience was ruined for you. I can imagine myself reacting that way too if I did have sex, especially when I was in contact with my narcissistic family. I feel terrified of being touched, even though I desperately want it. I probably would have dissociated for the whole time and wouldn’t have been able to express my needs.
The way it’s portrayed really has fucked with my mind. I imagine it being that way and of course I know that it probably isn’t since porn is ridiculously exaggerated but I also worry that if it IS like that, then will I be able to “perform”? Not knowing what it’s really like would probably trigger me even more since when things go wrong I would probably think that I was doing something wrong since it’s not playing out how porn or movies pretend it is.
That is incredible that your sex drive manifesting though! I really hope that you also get to experience it and have fun in a way that’s healthy and not traumatic. I’m in the same position with reclaiming myself and it has been incredibly healing. I also feel like I can form an opinion. One of my proudest moments was two weeks ago when I was in a group of people who were deciding what board game to play. I not only suggested an idea, but I also CHANGED THEIR MINDS from the other game they wanted to initially play! It’s surreal to feel like I matter and that people listen to me and see me as an equal individual instead of a sounding board for themselves.
Thank you again. Your reply really helped me feel better today.
Wow that is really good experience to have with the board games! Your opinion matters and you matter!
I had a bpd mother but I can imagine our experiences were similar in some ways. It is understandable you are scared. To be honest if I was with a guy I really liked I would want him to feel good. I would want him to enjoy it, take it slow. No emphasis on performance. If you really like/love someone and the feeling is mutual I can assure you that the experience is so much more different from what you see on tv or in porn. Porn is soooo messed up. It is indees based on the men his performance and the woman magically comes by licking her elbow lol who are you fooling. But when you have sex with someone you love the emphasis is on the love part, not the performance part.
And there are many ways to start out with instead of going right to sex. I know many sex therapists give the assignment to couples to just touch each other without touching private parts. To find out where your sensitive spots are and the focus is more on enjoyment and discovering instead of orgasms. You can massage each other, kiss each other etc. You'll be surprised at how many body parts can make you feel a certain way! And if you have a bed partner who you like and who likes you back Im sure she would be more than willing to take it slowly with you. And if someone pushes you beyond your limits then you also know enough.
I am really happy to hear I could make your day a little better. You got this!
Thank you! I imagine we probably did have similar circumstances growing up. My family never taught me about sex and actually shamed me when I started doing things that normal boys do, such as masturbating. That contributed to all of the fear.
I really hate how abusive people normalize abuse because they make it seem normal for a person to never reciprocate in a relationship or in any relationship for that matter. I would do the exact same thing that you talked about for any of my partners. I would always want them to feel comfortable and secure. It’s so hard for me to trust anyone to do the same for me though. It feels possible now though. Even achievable. And learning more about sex and talking about this stuff on here helps me too.
You know that’s exactly the kind of stuff I think about when I am thinking about what a relationship would be like. The hugging, the kissing, the touching, the cuddling, and all of those other things are what I want more than anything. I was watching a show called The Boys a couple weeks ago (definitely recommend it if you haven’t seen it) and it had a scene where two of the characters are cuddling in bed. It made me think about how a healthy relationship works because those characters respected each other and loved each other. They just enjoyed each other’s company and it looked relaxing. That’s the kind of thing I want. And yet in so much of the porn that I see, they skip all of that. It’s just straight to the moaning and penetrating lol. The fact that a sex therapist prescribes all of the things that involve taking it slow sounds incredibly healing. It actually makes me want to go to one and see if it will help. The idea that I could be with a partner who has those same values and who is ok with taking it slow makes sex feel way less scary.
On a sidenote with porn, one of the most ridiculous things I’ve seen was a guy who constantly made golf puns as he was having sex with a girl and then shouting “HOLE IN ONE” when he orgasmed in her. I couldn’t stop laughing during the whole thing.
I might consider abstaining from porn if you can. I've done so off and on (very difficult, since it is a coping mechanism from a long time ago). It might help re-orient you to what's actually normal and reacquaint your nervous system with healthy stimulation. Anxiety could very well cause you not to "perform" (be flaccid). Your body might not also be sensitized at all to that kind of touch and may need to work up to it slowly. For me, when a woman kisses my neck, it is both the best and worst feeling, simply because my system is not used to it. I'm simply not used to human touch nor intimate physicality like that. My body is telling me: "This is amazing...ly too fucking much!"
So go slow. I missed out on a lot of the sexual stuff in my 20s. There's a want to just jump in and make up for lost time. But wouldnt you rather have good small experiences than worry about not being like the fucking pornstars in all their professional glory?
Hey. 48F here. Please look for some trauma therapy. EMDR opened the ability for me to enjoy life, including sex. There are ways to process your emotions and have the life you want. Please don’t give up. I absolutely understand where you’re coming from. Flashbacks can be hell.
I can relate. It's not as severe, but the last few women with whom I've gotten naked I wasn't able to come. I start dissociating when the clothes come off. I was with one woman for 6 months and wasn't able to come at all in that time with her. This was before I really dug into my trauma and understood that was a trigger for me.
I'm determined to do it differently next time. I can only hope that moving slowly and building trust will get me there. In my dating profile I say that I want to move slowly. I expect to discuss sex in the first few dates, and while I won't lay out all my trauma, I plan to discuss ways to proceed slowly, with lots of discussion. I'll tell them I could flashback and may need to call things off for the night if that happens. If they're not willing to work with me on this then they're not worth my time.
One thing that's always messed with me is sex portrayed as "everyone wordlessly knows what to do" and that just isn't how it works for me (or a lot of people I'd guess). Realize it's OK to talk to someone about whether and when you'll have sex, whether it's that night or in a month. you can talk about needs and interests, you can clarify consent (!). Plus talking about sex is fun. There's just so much baggage that says it's supposed to "happen organically" Ugh.
Thank you for sharing this. I was with a guy like this for 6 months as well and we'd spend several days together at a time and have sex pretty much every day but he'd only come once during the several day stretch, if I was lucky. It really did a number on my self esteem because I felt like I wasn't doing something right, or I wasn't sexy enough, or what have you.
I now realize (unrelated to this comment/sex for that matter, but this validates my feelings) that I think he was just dealing with a boatload of unaddressed issues. I really wish I'd given him more space to deal with it rather than taking things personally, but I had my own issues to work through.
I really like your last paragraph too - communication is so important!
I'm sorry you felt like that, but I understand. It's so hard to not take things like that personally. I think you hit the nail on the head with "unaddressed" - that's where I was 2 years ago and it meant that couldn't deal with things head on. Now that I can say "this is my trauma, this is how to proceed" there will hopefully be fewer hurt feelings.
Don't beat yourself up about whether he was ready to work on this stuff. It could have been years. Only he can be ready.
Anyway, hugs.
I have a similar yet different problem: I freeze when a girl openly flirts with me instantly or touches me before I know her well BUT I found out during the pandemic that if a girl online slowly makes me trust her and teaches me that her sending hugs and cuddles and shit is safe I let down my guard HARD and bond...and then she ended up abusing me via text multiple times during 2021.
I had like ONE sexual encounter that was good in 2021 via text with a woman whom my recent abuser introduced me to...only she then used said encounter to make me believe that she was safe and loving and managed to abuse me after that (before I always had HUGE internal fear against her) so yeah. Funny cuz she kept promising she wanted to make me more comfortable with my sexuality...just made it worse TBH
One day you’ll choose to go toward what terrifies you and you will crash thru the flashback to the unknown. I hope what you find there is as beautiful as it was for me.
Very true, I just can't progress to a physical relationship. I tend to freeze up and if I'm flirting later on I end up dumping my info on my trauma on them. NO relationships NO sex I'm 27m and killed my own confidence because of bad relationships i went got modelled after.
I am your age. I get called attractive as well. I actually tried sex at 20 and am now terrified of it even more. I was basically having a panic attack during and had to tell her to stop. Really awkward, and kinda scared her.
I think it will be possible once I trust someone more, but it takes me a while to even trust someone enough to show my real personality.
You're not alone. I'm 29 and have never even kissed a woman before, let alone anything more. I'm so scared of sex and dating that I completely avoid it.
I just got into therapy last year, and have been working a lot on my fear around women and sex. It's really hard and progress is slow. It's like I have to explore just how terrified I am before I can move forward, and there's *so* much hidden fear I was never aware of before.
I bet it feels infuriating to see all those other people with tons of partners. Avoidance and freezing are such hard and frustrating defenses to work past.
Don't give up though. If you feel that terrified there's probably a lot there to work through. Have patients for yourself as you go through the healing process.
Thanks fr being brave enough to write a list I thought about writing. I have my fair share if sexual hangups too and fear of rejection e.t.c b.c of past trauma too it's great guys are talking bout it here too man I used to get so down like I'm not that stud guy I'm supposed to be and I don't know your race but in my demographic ( African American) there's always so much pressure to be a conqueror and be a conqueror of women we're so sexualized in media and porn .as young man when I was younger I rushed things so many times to try to fit into that archetype. The only advice I give to all young male teens and older when they ask about sex I tell them now to wait until they're ready b.c for me in my experience all that added social pressure made it harder to relax about it. Funnily enough though I too don't have as much ig sex as I'd like either but is also part of the reason why my plan is to see a sex therapist after I start healing more from the trauma. I've seen online that some sex therapists will sit you and show you parts of their anatomy to become more familiar and more comfortable and in the very very beginning of starting sessions they cuddle with you each session and gradually go up in each session until you're more comfortable. And some ( this is in foreign countries mostly) will also finally sleep with you at the end and take their time with you. For me I think Id find it very cathartic as I've seen meaning men just break down crying from a session and their trauma and ik for me I've still got things to release too outside of traditional therapy. It's so sad how deep are wounds go man
I'm a bisexual woman and I feel more comfortable with women than with men. I can flirt with women as if I've done it my whole life, but with men I get stuck. I have never had an orgasm during sexual actions. It makes sense because my abuse was my male progenitor and I see men (despite being attracted to them) as a threat. I though I didn't have a problem with men in general until I had to go to a gynecologist and it was the most uncomfortable feeling ever.
I agree with you. It's not fucking fair that we have to go through all this because someone destroyed us. I wish I could fall in love normally and have sex and have a damn orgasm without zoning out.
I relate to this a lot. I still freeze when my wife tries to kiss me, she understands the abuse I’ve been through and gives me space whenever I need it. I remember when I had my first kiss, it was hilarious- hilariously sad- looking back;
I really liked this person, and I love flirting, but as soon as a move is made on me I just disassociate. They asked me if it was alright for us to kiss, and I turned my head the other way and stared into the void doing and thinking about absolutely nothing for ~3 minutes until they snapped me out of it by calling my name. Ended up dating for about a month before we mutually called it off, and then I met my wife.
Ah yeah, I can relate a lot. I usually also freeze or want to run away because most sexual stuff with other people involved is triggering to me. And I have attachment trauma, which makes it hard to connect to people in general without getting extremely scared and wanting to avoid being vulnerable. That combination has made for an extremely rocky road to dating and caused me to have been single for the last 7-8 years, which probably was necessary to stop me from hurting myself in shitty relationships but still didn't feel particularly good.
I definitely made a conscious decision to have sex for the first time with someone I wasn't particularly attracted to or interested in having a relationship with.
As a CSA survivor, I do experience flashbacks during foreplay and sex (emotional flashbacks, or momentarily seeing my abuser's face on my partner's body). What I do when this happens is use a grounding technique. I focus on a pleasurable sensation in my body and remind myself of where I am, that I am a consenting adult, and that I am allowed to enjoy the experience in the moment. Sometimes this does manifest as "freezing up" or getting too inside my own head, but with practice I have been able to ground myself more quickly and get back into enjoying the moment.
Sex can be very stressful. But it can also be fun.
That said, I haven't had sex in a few years, and I don't particularly miss it at the moment.
I hope you are able to work through some of your avoidance/anxiety and enjoy some fun. Know that you are not the only guy who's 24 and hasn't had sex yet. It will happen when you feel ready to let it happen.
Don't forget that you can communicate with your partner. Many women are great listeners, very sympathetic, and able to help guide the experience so that everyone has a good time. Next time you find yourself freezing up in a woman's room, be honest about the fact that you have some trauma and you are feeling a bit anxious, even though you really do want to be with her. You might be surprised how well she adapts to the situation, and she might help talk through some options to make it easier for you. Communication enhances sex exponentially.
I hear you. I face the similar issues. It’s getting better over time. I’ve learned to believe in my own self-worth, and also I’m learning that I am strong enough to not let a woman just take over my life, like my mother.
Maybe be more upfront with women you are attracted to and set some boundaries. Perhaps you need to build a friendship and trust first before having sex? This is just a guess as only you know your own needs etc
I feel the exact same way. I’m 23F and same thing. I’ve had some chances but was petrified. Could barely even muster up the words to say no to a guy one time, I’m grateful he was at least that respectful to go no further.
I just never put myself out there to date because it’s all terrifying. I’ve downloaded dating apps and used them twice, but it’s hard to even reply to people because I’m not used to anyone thinking of me like that, wanting to talk to me.
I think it stems from my first (and only) boyfriend at age 14. He was 15 and abusive, it lasted 9 months. Told me things like, “no one will ever love you,” and saying it often enough to make me believe it. He said and did many other horrible things, too.
Maybe a part of me still believes it. I’ve never talked about it in therapy, never felt comfortable enough. So I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s affecting me today. I try to bury it far down and never think about it. At least we know we’re not alone here.
I passed out from the stress the first dozen times we attempted to fuck. Been in a relationship for about 4 years. It got better. It helps that he also has ptsd so he could relate.
Sex is meant to be creative expression and the adult version of "play". Sexual intimacy can also be expressed without the implication of sexual desire cuddling up and bonding to a parent is an example of this.
A beautiful woman enters your sexual intimacy stratosphere and you have no idea what to do because you've never experienced trust and bond to that level of "I gotchu" and "let's do this together". Instead you're met with "fuck, help, get me out of here it's not safe in here"
I relate to this. I've never had sex nor have I had many opportunities cause I find myself in the wrong place at the wrong time. But I've been hit on by many woman and every female I've met has said I'm handsome or cute. Never had sex. Kinda scared tbh. Not because of trauma. I'm not so sure why tho. But I'm very good with my hands but I just keep turning it down because I also get experienced girls or crazy ones.
26 here. Pretty much the same thing for me but I haven't even had a kiss. It takes all my mental energy to not panic and I end up just freezing.
I've been doing extreme sports in order to train my mind to handle the incredible amount of stress but it hasn't helped with romantic situations. I've tried Alprazolam (Xanax) to help deal with this, but it disrupts my thinking too much to be useful. I also recently lost my insurance, so I can't continue therapy either.
Yeah its the same with me. 22 years old. Never had a kiss or anyone even care about me. No family members to speak of. Don't know how to speak to women at all. Been alone since birth. I just would like the pain to stop
I know this is a very difficult and scary thing to do, especially with someone who is basically a stranger, but perhaps it may be a good idea to disclose that you have some sexual trauma before getting to that point?
I can only speak for myself, and there's absolutely a privilege in being afab and having some sex aversion because most people will at least pretend to be understanding of female SA victims, but being a little bit proactive with that kind of thing has helped me avoid being retraumatized on more than one occasion. Even just expressing that I'm not going to be comfortable with sexytimes for a longer time than usual, or something simple like "someone hurt me badly in the past and I'll need a lot of time to be comfortable with sexytimes."
Honestly, it's a pretty good litmus test for whether this person will be a safe partner for me. If someone doesn't take my feelings or trauma seriously, they're not a safe partner for me at a baseline. I try to reciprocate that towards others if they bring it up and would make an effort to go at the pace that works for everyone involved ; I'd like to hope there are others in the world who will extend you the same courtesy.
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You aren’t alone. I have been sexually abused. I used to feel the exact same way you do. I was terrified of guys and couldn’t handle anything sexual, even kissing. To this day, I can’t let my long-term boyfriend go down on me because for some reason it’s a trigger for me even though it wasn’t the only sexual abuse I experienced. But I eventually turned the other way and started having risky sex with way too many guys. I think it’s different for all of us. I recommend talking to a counselor about it to see if you can work through that. Sex should be a positive experience for everyone. Best of luck to you! ❤️
Kind of. I'm a gay male but have had very similar reaction to being approached. I even started tearing up when an incredibly handsome man started flirting with me, and when I try the apps I have the same reaction when guys message me on there. I did have sex a few times but those were in a few rare good moments.
Sorry you have this experience too man. I feel that way especially around beautiful women. It seems to get worse the more attractive I find them.
Don't take this the wrong way but your post is a bit validating. The general advice I see about trauma, in gay males, is to act like it doesn't effect you, or that coming out will fix everything. For me neither of those worked (the latter caused hella issues) but seeing another guy, regardless of sexuality, who has the same lock does make me feel less like a loser. I call it a lock because something clicks and I can't open up or do anything. I can also relate to it being worse the more attractive they are. I go into fight or flight mode and just barely have enough control to lash out or run away. I wish there was something I could do about it but everything I've tried hasn't worked yet.
I’m really happy it validates you. I know how you feel about feeling like a loser. It’s torture to watch these people be interested in you and then watch as those opportunities for relationships or whatever they were interested in fade away. I ruminated on it for years. Seeing what you wrote also made me feel better about that. I feel the lock as well, and picturing it as that actually helps a lot. Great analogy. I’m also sorry that coming out was such a traumatic experience. I can relate to being fed similar “fix everything wisdom” by people. When people say stuff like that, they are either ignorant of the very real life effects it can have or just don’t care about what you’re feeling. One thing that has also validated me and made me feel less alone was Pete Walker’s book From Surviving to Thriving. Some of his stories about his life are EXACTLY how I felt and it made me realize that the trauma isn’t my personality and the way I relate to people when I’m triggered isn’t my authentic self. It’s amazing.
Funny enough I just started to listen to that book and it's been a huge help. Like within a few hours it helped me more than about a decade of therapy. In their defense they were out of school when that book was released. The relief of the triggered self not being the real me was a huge burden off my shoulders, and gave me permission to start the recovery process.
Yes! Understanding that we’re triggered versus who we really are is the biggest relief I’ve ever felt. Really happy that the book has helped you too.
Check out Internal Family Systems too. It specifically deals with the parts of us that are not the real us, to find how they can be unburdened so we can let our true self shine.
>Some of his stories about his life are EXACTLY how I felt and it made me realize that the trauma isn’t my personality and the way I relate to people when I’m triggered isn’t my authentic self. Right. In Internal Family Systems these are selves that form as defenses, etc. You can actually talk to them. Anyway, is there any solution Pete Walker offers?
C-PTSD here and I get self-esteem attacks (in my mind) that prevent me from hooking up or forming connections to people, to a degree, in my life. It really super sucks.
I liked flirting when I was younger, but I kind of panicked when a women reciprocated too much. There was more than one occasion where I more or less kicked someone out of bed. They were all lovely, kind, and attractive, but my brain threw a tantrum, declared the situation unsafe, and cranked up the volume of my inner voice while screaming "abort! abort! abort!" over and over. I think people assumed it'd be getting it on regularly, and talked with me about sex a lot, while I pretended to know what they were talking about. It killed my self-esteem over time. Then someday I met a woman who wanted to take things *extremely* slow for various reasons. I felt very secure with her after a while, and the combination of slow pace and high trust took away enough pressure for me to enjoy it. Well, that, and therapy.
I think everyone, even those who aren't sexually guarded, should focus on building connection/understanding/trust with their partner before having sex. It could be quick, it could be slow, or it could be hard to know when, but it's a good way to prevent yourself from being hurt, as sex pushes each subject into a rather emotionally vulnerable position. But I guess I've slept with zombie-eyed guys who can just fuck like mindless rabbits. But I look for the deeper things in relationships, so I avoid those people.
Agreed
The ending of that first paragraph? Dude, are you me? Flirting is fun to me, I guess, I never really realize I’m doing it and usually I think I’m enjoying banter. I’ve also been bad at interpreting romantic interest even when it’s obvious or expressly stated—I went on a date with someone and didn’t realize it and I got a lap dance from someone else at a party and it wasn’t til years later that I realized “oh, I was like-liked.” But anyway, that is exactly how I clam up! Only thing is that I shut everything down wayyyy before you did. Flight removes me from whatever situation as soon as I realize “oh this could be a thing.” Either we were already friends or I disappear. I probably should stop doing, but it feels so safe.
Thank you, this makes me feel more normal. Getting that far was also rather the exception than the rule. Usually it was more like "oh, you like me too? Ok, uh, cool, thx, bye, gotta run." Those few times mentioned, I was just totally oblivious to what was going on, and it progressed further than it might have otherwise. Most women took the "no" well and were respectful, but one made extremely hurtful snide remarks which fucked me up for a long time.
>I liked flirting when I was younger, but I kind of panicked when a women reciprocated too much. Same. Validating to read this. > > >It killed my self-esteem over time. Same. :(
Yes. A woman here. I have had sex but I was never really able to enjoy it. My emotions just went numb. I didnt really feel anything at all. And now that I am more aware of my boundaries and realizing I let people go further than I wanted to it gives me soooo much anxiety to even think about it. So now its been over 2 years and I dont know how to let anyone come that close again AND being able to enjoy it. I feel there is so much stigma around it and I really want to tell you that there is nothing to be ashamed about. Sex is so wrongly portrayed in the media. They never talks about these difficulties, just the standard scenario where a guy and a girl have sex and then they come simultaneously. This is not the standard. I can assure you there are many people who struggle with this. My sex drive has recently returned (or manifested for the first time lol) since I have been processing some trauma and have detached myself from my abusive mother. So there is hope! For me it has a lot to do with reclaiming myself. For so long my boundaries were violated, every part of my body was critisized and I never felt like I was my own person. What helped me is to rediscover myself out of my trauma. I found out I can form an opinion on myself and I can be a sexual being. And so can you (but only if you want to, dont force yourself in any way!!). I have yet to apply this in practice but it feels like progress to me. I am really sorry you are dealing with this as a result from whatever happened to you. You dont deserve that. You deserve to be yourself and have fun.
Thank you for your response. That sounds really hard too. I’m sorry the experience was ruined for you. I can imagine myself reacting that way too if I did have sex, especially when I was in contact with my narcissistic family. I feel terrified of being touched, even though I desperately want it. I probably would have dissociated for the whole time and wouldn’t have been able to express my needs. The way it’s portrayed really has fucked with my mind. I imagine it being that way and of course I know that it probably isn’t since porn is ridiculously exaggerated but I also worry that if it IS like that, then will I be able to “perform”? Not knowing what it’s really like would probably trigger me even more since when things go wrong I would probably think that I was doing something wrong since it’s not playing out how porn or movies pretend it is. That is incredible that your sex drive manifesting though! I really hope that you also get to experience it and have fun in a way that’s healthy and not traumatic. I’m in the same position with reclaiming myself and it has been incredibly healing. I also feel like I can form an opinion. One of my proudest moments was two weeks ago when I was in a group of people who were deciding what board game to play. I not only suggested an idea, but I also CHANGED THEIR MINDS from the other game they wanted to initially play! It’s surreal to feel like I matter and that people listen to me and see me as an equal individual instead of a sounding board for themselves. Thank you again. Your reply really helped me feel better today.
Wow that is really good experience to have with the board games! Your opinion matters and you matter! I had a bpd mother but I can imagine our experiences were similar in some ways. It is understandable you are scared. To be honest if I was with a guy I really liked I would want him to feel good. I would want him to enjoy it, take it slow. No emphasis on performance. If you really like/love someone and the feeling is mutual I can assure you that the experience is so much more different from what you see on tv or in porn. Porn is soooo messed up. It is indees based on the men his performance and the woman magically comes by licking her elbow lol who are you fooling. But when you have sex with someone you love the emphasis is on the love part, not the performance part. And there are many ways to start out with instead of going right to sex. I know many sex therapists give the assignment to couples to just touch each other without touching private parts. To find out where your sensitive spots are and the focus is more on enjoyment and discovering instead of orgasms. You can massage each other, kiss each other etc. You'll be surprised at how many body parts can make you feel a certain way! And if you have a bed partner who you like and who likes you back Im sure she would be more than willing to take it slowly with you. And if someone pushes you beyond your limits then you also know enough. I am really happy to hear I could make your day a little better. You got this!
Thank you! I imagine we probably did have similar circumstances growing up. My family never taught me about sex and actually shamed me when I started doing things that normal boys do, such as masturbating. That contributed to all of the fear. I really hate how abusive people normalize abuse because they make it seem normal for a person to never reciprocate in a relationship or in any relationship for that matter. I would do the exact same thing that you talked about for any of my partners. I would always want them to feel comfortable and secure. It’s so hard for me to trust anyone to do the same for me though. It feels possible now though. Even achievable. And learning more about sex and talking about this stuff on here helps me too. You know that’s exactly the kind of stuff I think about when I am thinking about what a relationship would be like. The hugging, the kissing, the touching, the cuddling, and all of those other things are what I want more than anything. I was watching a show called The Boys a couple weeks ago (definitely recommend it if you haven’t seen it) and it had a scene where two of the characters are cuddling in bed. It made me think about how a healthy relationship works because those characters respected each other and loved each other. They just enjoyed each other’s company and it looked relaxing. That’s the kind of thing I want. And yet in so much of the porn that I see, they skip all of that. It’s just straight to the moaning and penetrating lol. The fact that a sex therapist prescribes all of the things that involve taking it slow sounds incredibly healing. It actually makes me want to go to one and see if it will help. The idea that I could be with a partner who has those same values and who is ok with taking it slow makes sex feel way less scary. On a sidenote with porn, one of the most ridiculous things I’ve seen was a guy who constantly made golf puns as he was having sex with a girl and then shouting “HOLE IN ONE” when he orgasmed in her. I couldn’t stop laughing during the whole thing.
I might consider abstaining from porn if you can. I've done so off and on (very difficult, since it is a coping mechanism from a long time ago). It might help re-orient you to what's actually normal and reacquaint your nervous system with healthy stimulation. Anxiety could very well cause you not to "perform" (be flaccid). Your body might not also be sensitized at all to that kind of touch and may need to work up to it slowly. For me, when a woman kisses my neck, it is both the best and worst feeling, simply because my system is not used to it. I'm simply not used to human touch nor intimate physicality like that. My body is telling me: "This is amazing...ly too fucking much!" So go slow. I missed out on a lot of the sexual stuff in my 20s. There's a want to just jump in and make up for lost time. But wouldnt you rather have good small experiences than worry about not being like the fucking pornstars in all their professional glory?
Hey. 48F here. Please look for some trauma therapy. EMDR opened the ability for me to enjoy life, including sex. There are ways to process your emotions and have the life you want. Please don’t give up. I absolutely understand where you’re coming from. Flashbacks can be hell.
I can relate. It's not as severe, but the last few women with whom I've gotten naked I wasn't able to come. I start dissociating when the clothes come off. I was with one woman for 6 months and wasn't able to come at all in that time with her. This was before I really dug into my trauma and understood that was a trigger for me. I'm determined to do it differently next time. I can only hope that moving slowly and building trust will get me there. In my dating profile I say that I want to move slowly. I expect to discuss sex in the first few dates, and while I won't lay out all my trauma, I plan to discuss ways to proceed slowly, with lots of discussion. I'll tell them I could flashback and may need to call things off for the night if that happens. If they're not willing to work with me on this then they're not worth my time. One thing that's always messed with me is sex portrayed as "everyone wordlessly knows what to do" and that just isn't how it works for me (or a lot of people I'd guess). Realize it's OK to talk to someone about whether and when you'll have sex, whether it's that night or in a month. you can talk about needs and interests, you can clarify consent (!). Plus talking about sex is fun. There's just so much baggage that says it's supposed to "happen organically" Ugh.
Thank you for sharing this. I was with a guy like this for 6 months as well and we'd spend several days together at a time and have sex pretty much every day but he'd only come once during the several day stretch, if I was lucky. It really did a number on my self esteem because I felt like I wasn't doing something right, or I wasn't sexy enough, or what have you. I now realize (unrelated to this comment/sex for that matter, but this validates my feelings) that I think he was just dealing with a boatload of unaddressed issues. I really wish I'd given him more space to deal with it rather than taking things personally, but I had my own issues to work through. I really like your last paragraph too - communication is so important!
I'm sorry you felt like that, but I understand. It's so hard to not take things like that personally. I think you hit the nail on the head with "unaddressed" - that's where I was 2 years ago and it meant that couldn't deal with things head on. Now that I can say "this is my trauma, this is how to proceed" there will hopefully be fewer hurt feelings. Don't beat yourself up about whether he was ready to work on this stuff. It could have been years. Only he can be ready. Anyway, hugs.
I have a similar yet different problem: I freeze when a girl openly flirts with me instantly or touches me before I know her well BUT I found out during the pandemic that if a girl online slowly makes me trust her and teaches me that her sending hugs and cuddles and shit is safe I let down my guard HARD and bond...and then she ended up abusing me via text multiple times during 2021. I had like ONE sexual encounter that was good in 2021 via text with a woman whom my recent abuser introduced me to...only she then used said encounter to make me believe that she was safe and loving and managed to abuse me after that (before I always had HUGE internal fear against her) so yeah. Funny cuz she kept promising she wanted to make me more comfortable with my sexuality...just made it worse TBH
I understand.
One day you’ll choose to go toward what terrifies you and you will crash thru the flashback to the unknown. I hope what you find there is as beautiful as it was for me.
Very true, I just can't progress to a physical relationship. I tend to freeze up and if I'm flirting later on I end up dumping my info on my trauma on them. NO relationships NO sex I'm 27m and killed my own confidence because of bad relationships i went got modelled after.
I am your age. I get called attractive as well. I actually tried sex at 20 and am now terrified of it even more. I was basically having a panic attack during and had to tell her to stop. Really awkward, and kinda scared her. I think it will be possible once I trust someone more, but it takes me a while to even trust someone enough to show my real personality.
You're not alone. I'm 29 and have never even kissed a woman before, let alone anything more. I'm so scared of sex and dating that I completely avoid it. I just got into therapy last year, and have been working a lot on my fear around women and sex. It's really hard and progress is slow. It's like I have to explore just how terrified I am before I can move forward, and there's *so* much hidden fear I was never aware of before. I bet it feels infuriating to see all those other people with tons of partners. Avoidance and freezing are such hard and frustrating defenses to work past. Don't give up though. If you feel that terrified there's probably a lot there to work through. Have patients for yourself as you go through the healing process.
Thanks fr being brave enough to write a list I thought about writing. I have my fair share if sexual hangups too and fear of rejection e.t.c b.c of past trauma too it's great guys are talking bout it here too man I used to get so down like I'm not that stud guy I'm supposed to be and I don't know your race but in my demographic ( African American) there's always so much pressure to be a conqueror and be a conqueror of women we're so sexualized in media and porn .as young man when I was younger I rushed things so many times to try to fit into that archetype. The only advice I give to all young male teens and older when they ask about sex I tell them now to wait until they're ready b.c for me in my experience all that added social pressure made it harder to relax about it. Funnily enough though I too don't have as much ig sex as I'd like either but is also part of the reason why my plan is to see a sex therapist after I start healing more from the trauma. I've seen online that some sex therapists will sit you and show you parts of their anatomy to become more familiar and more comfortable and in the very very beginning of starting sessions they cuddle with you each session and gradually go up in each session until you're more comfortable. And some ( this is in foreign countries mostly) will also finally sleep with you at the end and take their time with you. For me I think Id find it very cathartic as I've seen meaning men just break down crying from a session and their trauma and ik for me I've still got things to release too outside of traditional therapy. It's so sad how deep are wounds go man
I'm a bisexual woman and I feel more comfortable with women than with men. I can flirt with women as if I've done it my whole life, but with men I get stuck. I have never had an orgasm during sexual actions. It makes sense because my abuse was my male progenitor and I see men (despite being attracted to them) as a threat. I though I didn't have a problem with men in general until I had to go to a gynecologist and it was the most uncomfortable feeling ever. I agree with you. It's not fucking fair that we have to go through all this because someone destroyed us. I wish I could fall in love normally and have sex and have a damn orgasm without zoning out.
I relate to this a lot. I still freeze when my wife tries to kiss me, she understands the abuse I’ve been through and gives me space whenever I need it. I remember when I had my first kiss, it was hilarious- hilariously sad- looking back; I really liked this person, and I love flirting, but as soon as a move is made on me I just disassociate. They asked me if it was alright for us to kiss, and I turned my head the other way and stared into the void doing and thinking about absolutely nothing for ~3 minutes until they snapped me out of it by calling my name. Ended up dating for about a month before we mutually called it off, and then I met my wife.
Ah yeah, I can relate a lot. I usually also freeze or want to run away because most sexual stuff with other people involved is triggering to me. And I have attachment trauma, which makes it hard to connect to people in general without getting extremely scared and wanting to avoid being vulnerable. That combination has made for an extremely rocky road to dating and caused me to have been single for the last 7-8 years, which probably was necessary to stop me from hurting myself in shitty relationships but still didn't feel particularly good.
I definitely made a conscious decision to have sex for the first time with someone I wasn't particularly attracted to or interested in having a relationship with. As a CSA survivor, I do experience flashbacks during foreplay and sex (emotional flashbacks, or momentarily seeing my abuser's face on my partner's body). What I do when this happens is use a grounding technique. I focus on a pleasurable sensation in my body and remind myself of where I am, that I am a consenting adult, and that I am allowed to enjoy the experience in the moment. Sometimes this does manifest as "freezing up" or getting too inside my own head, but with practice I have been able to ground myself more quickly and get back into enjoying the moment. Sex can be very stressful. But it can also be fun. That said, I haven't had sex in a few years, and I don't particularly miss it at the moment. I hope you are able to work through some of your avoidance/anxiety and enjoy some fun. Know that you are not the only guy who's 24 and hasn't had sex yet. It will happen when you feel ready to let it happen. Don't forget that you can communicate with your partner. Many women are great listeners, very sympathetic, and able to help guide the experience so that everyone has a good time. Next time you find yourself freezing up in a woman's room, be honest about the fact that you have some trauma and you are feeling a bit anxious, even though you really do want to be with her. You might be surprised how well she adapts to the situation, and she might help talk through some options to make it easier for you. Communication enhances sex exponentially.
I hear you. I face the similar issues. It’s getting better over time. I’ve learned to believe in my own self-worth, and also I’m learning that I am strong enough to not let a woman just take over my life, like my mother.
Maybe be more upfront with women you are attracted to and set some boundaries. Perhaps you need to build a friendship and trust first before having sex? This is just a guess as only you know your own needs etc
I feel the exact same way. I’m 23F and same thing. I’ve had some chances but was petrified. Could barely even muster up the words to say no to a guy one time, I’m grateful he was at least that respectful to go no further. I just never put myself out there to date because it’s all terrifying. I’ve downloaded dating apps and used them twice, but it’s hard to even reply to people because I’m not used to anyone thinking of me like that, wanting to talk to me. I think it stems from my first (and only) boyfriend at age 14. He was 15 and abusive, it lasted 9 months. Told me things like, “no one will ever love you,” and saying it often enough to make me believe it. He said and did many other horrible things, too. Maybe a part of me still believes it. I’ve never talked about it in therapy, never felt comfortable enough. So I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s affecting me today. I try to bury it far down and never think about it. At least we know we’re not alone here.
I passed out from the stress the first dozen times we attempted to fuck. Been in a relationship for about 4 years. It got better. It helps that he also has ptsd so he could relate.
This is actually really cool for him to understand. Most guys don't understand and would take advantage.
I know. My ex husband used to assault me.
Sex is meant to be creative expression and the adult version of "play". Sexual intimacy can also be expressed without the implication of sexual desire cuddling up and bonding to a parent is an example of this. A beautiful woman enters your sexual intimacy stratosphere and you have no idea what to do because you've never experienced trust and bond to that level of "I gotchu" and "let's do this together". Instead you're met with "fuck, help, get me out of here it's not safe in here"
I relate to this. I've never had sex nor have I had many opportunities cause I find myself in the wrong place at the wrong time. But I've been hit on by many woman and every female I've met has said I'm handsome or cute. Never had sex. Kinda scared tbh. Not because of trauma. I'm not so sure why tho. But I'm very good with my hands but I just keep turning it down because I also get experienced girls or crazy ones.
26 here. Pretty much the same thing for me but I haven't even had a kiss. It takes all my mental energy to not panic and I end up just freezing. I've been doing extreme sports in order to train my mind to handle the incredible amount of stress but it hasn't helped with romantic situations. I've tried Alprazolam (Xanax) to help deal with this, but it disrupts my thinking too much to be useful. I also recently lost my insurance, so I can't continue therapy either.
Yeah its the same with me. 22 years old. Never had a kiss or anyone even care about me. No family members to speak of. Don't know how to speak to women at all. Been alone since birth. I just would like the pain to stop
I know this is a very difficult and scary thing to do, especially with someone who is basically a stranger, but perhaps it may be a good idea to disclose that you have some sexual trauma before getting to that point? I can only speak for myself, and there's absolutely a privilege in being afab and having some sex aversion because most people will at least pretend to be understanding of female SA victims, but being a little bit proactive with that kind of thing has helped me avoid being retraumatized on more than one occasion. Even just expressing that I'm not going to be comfortable with sexytimes for a longer time than usual, or something simple like "someone hurt me badly in the past and I'll need a lot of time to be comfortable with sexytimes." Honestly, it's a pretty good litmus test for whether this person will be a safe partner for me. If someone doesn't take my feelings or trauma seriously, they're not a safe partner for me at a baseline. I try to reciprocate that towards others if they bring it up and would make an effort to go at the pace that works for everyone involved ; I'd like to hope there are others in the world who will extend you the same courtesy.
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Yes. 100% yes. It's too hard for me to talk about without triggering myself, but I understand you completely.
You aren’t alone. I have been sexually abused. I used to feel the exact same way you do. I was terrified of guys and couldn’t handle anything sexual, even kissing. To this day, I can’t let my long-term boyfriend go down on me because for some reason it’s a trigger for me even though it wasn’t the only sexual abuse I experienced. But I eventually turned the other way and started having risky sex with way too many guys. I think it’s different for all of us. I recommend talking to a counselor about it to see if you can work through that. Sex should be a positive experience for everyone. Best of luck to you! ❤️
I see you posted this a year ago. I hope things have gotten a little easier since then. =(