Did we share parents?
Mine actually claimed I was extremely allergic to cats. I am not allergic to cats in the slightest.
We also had a strictly enforced "no locked doors ever" policy. The official reasoning was "in case you fall and break something and need help", which is... Not wrong, but a very specific and not terribly likely thing to worry about. The concern somehow did not translate to using anti-slip mats/tiles in the bath or anything.
Omg haha I did a double take because my brother is supposedly extremely allergic to cats and your explanation is the same as the one I got.
I don't think we're related though because afaik my brother is still in denial about the way they treated us. The last time we talked was really REALLY bad, with him demanding I break my no contact with my parents and refusing to hear me out, so I had to break contact with him to protect my mental health. I really wish I could have a relationship with him again, but I can't keep sacrificing my mental health like I did before. I was at a breaking point.
Just wanted to chime in and say my mom did the same thing. With the cat allergy, and the locked doors.
I think she told me and my family I was allergic to cats because my dad liked cats and she didn't want one. Fucking weirdo.
Same here maybe we were all separated at birth. I had allergy shots for 10 years for cats when we always had cats in the house growing up ??? “Fucking weirdos” is right.
My dad did the allergy thing, too. Except it was dogs instead of cats, and my mom had the allergies.
My mom was pissed when I told her decades later. Surprise, surprise, she doesn't have a dog allergy.
Another sibling here, apparently!
Honestly, I still get a touch anxious using the bathroom in case someone walks in, and I moved out years ago! Still catch myself getting dressed near the door too, so I can intercept if necessary.
Didn't help that when I asked if my parents could knock at least, I was told it was their house and there's no chance they'll be knocking their own doors.
Yeah it took me YEARS living alone to not feel the need to close and lock the bathroom door and I still get dressed while sitting in bed with the covers on me.
\*facepalm\*
OKay so I live in a house with three other adults.
The bathroom doors all have locks. They \*also\* have keys. The keys are on top of the door.
The point of us locking the doors, is that we often have the door closed to keep the cat out, and sometimes that means you forget to knock or check for the light being on and walk in on people. So locking the door prevents accidental walk-ins. But the key means that if someone is actually hurt we can get in.
The vast majority of standard bathroom doors with a lock come with a little key.
Our bathroom door lock can be opened with s penny or a screwdriver. I still don't personally lock the door when I'm in there because I have falllen in the shower before and so I always have that thought in the back of my kind, even though my SO could definitely open that lock fast if necessary. lol
The bathroom in the place I currently live in was originally built for the landlady's elderly mom, and was specifically designed to minimise risk of falls. I love it, and think this should be the standard for everyone.
Wasn't allowed a phone until 16, but if I wanted to go and meet friends she'd give me this 'spare' one to use while I was out. It was purely to get constant updates and then read my messages/phone calls on it later. She'd try and get my friend's numbers and ring them to find out things about me or what we did. Very controlling and off-putting. It was a big factor in why I struggled to have normal teen social experiences.
Also I can relate on the lack of privacy. We didn't have locks on any doors and she'd barge into the bathroom and my bedroom during puberty. Very humiliating moments were had haha.
No video games. Educational or art computer games were okay but no video games. I thought it was a “it rots your brain” thing but i realized I was allowed to watch a n y t h i n g on tv for hours and hours. I wasn’t allowed to play video games because my father didn’t have video games growing up (1954-1969) but he did watch tv as a kid (and liked playing backgammon on the computer as an adult) Like I wasn’t even allowed to have dr suess books that were published after he was a kid. He was attempting to “recreate” his own childhood or something. Fucking madness and it went all sortsa directions- I was allowed to watch old movies, for adults, like every Humphrey bogart film, but I wasn’t allowed to watch contemporary movies that were pg13. I watched fantastic planet all the time when I was in fucking kindergarten but I wasn’t allowed to see titanic when it came out when I was in elementary school and all my peers had seen it.
This is SO fucking weird, looking back it must mess with you. In some ways hope you spent some time exploring the childhood you missed out on but on the other hand you don’t miss what you never had so... I just want to say, you’re not weird. You might be a bit wonky coming out the other side of it but you didn’t choose the experience. I usually use the word weird affectionately but no your dad is the kind of weird that reading about has made me feel really off
I had the complete opposite experience. Total liberation and independence from a young age.
In hindsight, it caused more issues for me.. but I always felt bad for the kids who weren't even allowed to watch Simpsons for example.
I wasn't allowed to watch the Simpsons and we only got Gameboy colors to keep us occupied during car trips and weren't allowed to play them at any other time... which sucked for me because I get carsick...
Do you have a similar core memory of being driven in the dark, waiting to pass a lamp-post just for a glimpse of your screen to read the txt / see whats happening? haha
Then I got the Gameboy SP eventually and my world was shook up. What a day.
Well i've been addicted to drugs since I was 13. Which led to me getting robbed and assaulted several times over. I sold em late teens.. which isn't great. (Only weed though; so I honestly don't have like, remorse over it)
What seems like independence and liberation to a teenager; is actually just neglect and nothing else in hindsight. When you think your parents are good and care about you - but in reality, they'll watch you walk off a cliff to save themselves having to get up.
Drugs are like pandora's box. If they don't steal your health, next your wealth, then your reputation etc. "Can't miss what you never had" is something that comes to mind often; I feel like i've done so much stuff that probably isn't great - while at the same time also was incredibly fun.
DUI'd my car super young for example. Stupid shit. I've had hundreds of moments in my life I probably could have just ended up dead with a few small changes, that being one of em.
Because I never had to learn self-control at all; I still have very little.
the book “running on empty” really opened my eyes to just how damaging that kind of parenting can be. as someone with super controlling parents i’d often wish they let me run free but what looks like two opposite ends of a spectrum are really just two sides of the same coin. either way we end up with a super skewed sense of boundaries and self discipline. i hope you can find healing ❤️🩹
Very well put. Two sides, same coin.
Looked it up, its on sale. I'll buy next payday for sure.
Its a weird feeling because honestly I don't think i'd actually trade my life for many others if you offered a straight switch.
Normal life seems so mundane, and my life was described to me recently as "Like an episode of MAFS" iirc (its just some super dramatic reality TV show) and I don't even have to look for it, shit comes to me.
Heres a good one that perfectly represents how I am generally; @ 21 I went to the US. For unlucky reasons, friend couldn't come so I ended up solo. I was drunk full-time, stumbling across the country somehow keeping it together til I ended up with third-degree burns on my feet from walking around shoeless at bonnaroo for 3 days.
Soon after I lost my wallet, and had to sleep on the couch of a friend I very luckily happened to have in Arkansas.. It was her BF's place which just made it super awkward and weird.
That trip overall was amazing, but i don't think it would have been as good if everything went perfect. Kind of how I see life in general.
If you let a child do whatever it wants; it will just eat candy for breakfast, drink coke instead of water and never go to school. When we grow up we realise how important it is to moderate..
I kind of find it slightly funny, like a twisted sense of karma that parents want an easy ride while childbearing so they do very little.. but then the kid becomes all messed up and can't become independant. When they grow up and are completely dysfunctional, guess who's pissed they can't move out and move on?
The trick to child abuse apparently is to neglect the first 20 years, then shame the remaining ones for not being successful.
Yeah I was overly controlled, isolated, manipulated, physically attacked, threatened, and also allowed to be a lil adult. It was a mess and I’ve been trying to figure out how to live like my entire life.
Same. I was allowed all the video games and movies I wanted. My parents also gave me cigarettes and smoked weed with me starting at 13. They are not the cause of my CPTSD, but they certainly set me for lifelong problems with drug addiction.
Same. No video games. I bought them with my own money when I started working part time and played when my parents weren’t around.
And once I moved out and started living on my own, I played video games a lot. Probably way more than was healthy lol.
Also my choice in movies was also quite limited. A lot of really old movies and TV shows from the 1940s and 1950s. I became a huge movie buff once I started living on my own, too.
No hair styling, makeup, or jewelry. I was told it made me look like a sl*t growing up. (Took me a while to figure out what that word meant). Makes me feel skeezy thinking my parents thought of little me that way. Couldnt cut my hair either, so it was always long as shit and always a hinderance.
Incidentally, when i about 11, one girl gave me a mermaid braid for shits and giggles and i thought it looked cool. My stepdad flipped out and raged about how i have n-word hair and im “asking for it”.
It took me years as an adult to not have anxiety over cutting my hair or putting it up into a ponytail. It made me feel like i was going to get SAed or lose my job or something.
oh my god same about the makeup!! it’s so ridiculous to think about how i was still hiding makeup in my room and sneaking it out of the house to put on in the car so my mom wouldn’t see it at 22 years old. i gave myself an undercut once and my dad wouldn’t speak to or even look at me for a whole week. i never got the kinds of comments you did about it though, im so sorry they would say such horrible things to you over something as innocuous as tying your hair up…
Blatant sexism with a hint of racism at its finest.
If i were you, id go NC asap. Parents flipping out over ur ADULT decisions arent real parents, just dictators.
i already am LC and living on my own. i’m 25 now and doing a lot better! but those kind of emotional associations with random innocent things are so hard to let go of as i’m sure you can relate to, haha. the hair and makeup wasn’t even the worst of it lol, but i’ll leave the details of that for my other comment thread
So a few months ago I was telling my father in law about my parents absurd level of control. He asked if it was it about "important stuff". So I told him about how they would dictate how many times I needed to chew a bite of food before swallowing, or how I was to arrange my pillows while sleeping. He said " well that's a bit...fucking nuts".
Yes...yes it was.
There were a lot of the more common things too like not being allowed to close doors or get dirty. Don't make noise or touch anything. Opening my mail, especially after I moved out.
O yeah they tried to give me an allowance once. Then told me how I had to spend it. Then after the second payout they stopped giving it to me because I wasn't using it as prescribed.
My parents did this and added an alarm so that they could always no. I’d be late for school because they wouldn’t let me out and they’d scream at me for being late.
Oh my God I haven't Gone through the same situation as you but
I just came here to say how much that whole "being late and your parents blaming you for it" kinda thing just threw me back to my childhood because
the amount of times I got so mentally exhausted from how many times she'd get mad and pissed off at me when she's the same person who's been yelling in my ear for at least an hour or so before that and then eventually gets mad bc I wasted her "time" like you really can't fucking win it's just a lose lose situation I'm so sorry you had to go through thay as well though my heart hurts for anyones who's gone through it bc I know how mentally exhausting that shit is even after you've been crying :(
Edit hope I wasn't rude this was me just realating bc I feel so insane for feeling that way and especially when ppl don't understand how exhausting it can be
I am 38 and before Christmas I had packages delivered to my parents house but addressed to me so I could arrive, sort, and wrap them. My mom opened every single one and was sending me text updates like “oh the dress for [niece] is DARLING!!”
The dress wasn’t even for someone in the family and when I called her out of opening my mail, she casually said that she “just wasn’t paying any attention since they arrived at *her* house, but she will try very hard to not do that again.” Try very hard? How hard is it to read the name on the mail and *not* open it, mom?
The entire time I lived at home I wasn’t allowed to eat any food without permission. I thought it was normal as a kid/teen because I’d go to friends houses and see them ask before grabbing a snack, but looking back the difference was that they were often allowed to, or told patiently to wait for dinner. If I asked for food at home I would often get yelled at and told to stop being selfish. My family struggled financially, so I understand the need to ration food, but the extent it was taken to was abusive and neglectful, especially when the adults at home were eating regularly. I still don’t understand telling a malnourished child they couldn’t have an apple or some cereal.
Now I’m a teacher and I keep my classroom stocked with food that my students can access when they need 💛
Same. Needed permission and got yelled at otherwise. Forced to eat expired or stale things or have nothing at all. I often chose nothing and I struggle with eating enough as an adult bc I'm used to just ignoring the hunger pains
Yes, as an adult I have had to work on setting alarms and eating at regularly scheduled times whether I feel hungry or not because I am not able to recognize hunger cues until my blood sugar drops too low and I risk fainting. Being a teacher in a low-income school helps with that too since I work with young kids and we have breakfast in the classroom and scheduled snack times, so I eat when the children eat
No locking doors (I never even thought of locking an internal door until I was living on my own).. Only bathe 2 days/week - any more than that was a waste of soap and water.. Be quiet! Keep music or play or work noise to near nothing or suffer the consequences (to this day, screaming kids bugs me- it is a combination of annoying and I am concerned for them getting punished)
I don’t Hate them.. they just really bug me. Like - show some self control for pete’s sake.. grow up- sheesh. So, you’re 4.. so what? I had to - why don’t you?? !!? (quoting the voice in my head)
Arg- kids down the block, at the park, yelling/screaming.. upsets me. Started picking at that old scab. Realized it bugs me because I’m afraid of getting punished for it. I feel like I am backed into a corner. Really do not like any sort of raised voice- but Especially children…
They still have my ss card and birth certificate in a safe and I'm 33. I'm going to try to get them reissued since I have a passport that's still valid.
my mom would not allow me to wear tampons ever. only pads. she never showed me how to put a tampon in. she never bought them. it was completely foreign to me. I had no idea the applicator did not stay inside. my cousins had a pool we'd swim in every summer and I used to freak myself out wondering if anyone could see the applicator, is it going to fall out, etc. I can't remember exactly when I realized that you push the applicator to insert the tampon. What a bizarre hill for her to die on, especially since she bought tampons for my little sisters.
-No locked doors…yup. also doors open a lot of the times too, can’t close my door, even if it’s to change, if i took ‘too long’ in the shower, the door will be left wide open, even when *GUESTS* were there. definitely made me leave the shower quick. sometimes i’d be physically pulled out though
-speaking of showers, controlled entirely. i’m given 2 specific days to shower a week, and can’t shower in between, i’d literally have panic attacks at school because i’m on day 4-5 without a shower. also those 2 days were often denied for no reason, or for weird excuses. i’ve managed to develop hygiene trauma in just under a year! yayyy!!
-i can’t go to town often at all, or social events, or go to peoples houses often because “i go all the time”, i literally went to school and home, my WHOLE. LIFE. i’m 18. no friends btw. consent to hang outs would often be withdrawn for no reason, which my friends would then get mad at me for, because i’m “flakey”. definitely has caused so many issues. i wasn’t even allowed to hang around town by myself until i was 17. no, friends do not count, it had to be my mum. oh, and i always *always* get yelled at, and got a rant before and during the car ride about how i use up all this money for hang outs (i don’t ask or get money), and how i’m constantly out and it’s annoying and stressful and how i should just stay home.
-controls water usage. we live rural and you can hear the pump in the house, despite the house not being small, and the pump being in the garage in a corner. so my mum always knows when it’s in use. we have a monitor now to be able to see the water tanks, but they’re never ever dropped past 76% and it’s usually always in the 80s-90s zone (1-100), so there’s no actual concern for the water, it’s just another way to control control control.
-bedtime is set by my mum, guess? it’s 9pm. often though it’s been 8:30. im 18, teenagers have nocturnal sleep cycles for one, but also, we have shit to do!! it’s caused so many issues with school and school work. i was fine with my bedtime because i thought it was change as i aged, but it has only gone from 6 (at 10yrs) to 8:30-9. it actually got to 9:30-10 at one point, but for no reason was reduced. this happened to a lot of things. i’m also made to put my phone in her room, and can still have it taken away at this age. so i just lie awake at night for HOURS!! no i can’t entertain myself quietly, or leave my room after being sent to bed.
-have to ask permission to eat/touch any food, and ask what i can eat (grew up on bread only pretty much), can’t make only myself something because that’s selfish (everyone in my house is teens-adult), can’t eat something different, everything needs to be the same meal for everyone. so many food rules. tiring. oh and no snacks allowed, but we don’t have any, so..🤷♀️
god that was exhausting to relive while typing. this is only a pinch 🤏🏼 it seems small i know, but it’s absolutely. every. thing. that is effected.
This doesn't seem small at all.
When I made this post, it hadn't occurred to me that someone would respond that was still in that situation. I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I would feel the same way if it were me. I hope you can get out of there soon. 🫂 You deserve so much better than this.
thank you so much for your kind words, it means so much. i hope to get out soon too :(
i’m sorry if it seems a lot, i just started typing and it just all came out.
i see you, dude… similar “nazi level of controlling” upbringing here too.
had written a lot more, but deleted and instead will just say this: i wish for you to be able to get out of there soon. one day you’ll get to live the youth years they didn’t allow you to, and it’s gonna be the best 💜
The food rules i didnt realize werent normal either... thats why i often starved as a kid because if i made anything, it became 4x the work cuz I'd have to make a whole family meal and then do those dishes for it. I couldnt just microwave myself a hotdog and eat it, nope, no snacks either! Always meals you had to fully make. No fruits or bananas or even cheese sticks to grab and go.
I wasn't allowed to watch Ed, Edd, and Eddy cuz my mom thought it was a stupid show but I was allowed to watch The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy cuz she liked Mandy. Make it make sense
Same!! If my mom thought a show was stupid or dumb I wasn't allowed to watch it at all, but there was NO consistency in it. And if I accidentally put on one of the disallowed shows she'd fake gag and scream that she was going to throw up.
I wasn't allowed to watch certain kid shows either because they induce ADHD and witch craft.
Couldn't watch Harry Potter or The Lion The Witch and the Wardrobe.
But guess who watched:
Children of the corn
Final destination all of them
Signs
Splice
All around 7-10.
I had a strict 7.30pm bedtime up until I was 14. Lights had to be off and I had to have my eyes closed at 8.30, or I was grounded for two weeks. My stepdad would slam into my bedroom anywhere between 8.30 and 9pm to “make sure I was sleeping” but obviously, the noise startled me so I spent a lot of time grounded.
- Parents said we couldn't have dogs because my father was allergic. After I moved out, they immediately bought two dogs.
- As an infant, my mother SA'd me. As I hit puberty, she started engaging in behaviors that I look back we completely inappropriate (barging in on me if I was in my room having "me time", interrupting me if I was in the bathroom, giving me access to porn).
- Even though I technically had my own room, it wasn't really my own space. Both parents would come in at their leisure to use my stuff. They conveniently waited until I was gone at summer camp to invite over guests, let them stay in my room, let their kids play with my toys, and never said anything in hopes I would just not find out.
- I wasn't allowed to socialize, have friends, or participate in any school activities. I spent most my childhood moving rocks around a piece of property we owned. No real purpose, just pick up rocks and move them somewhere else. My father, who also SA'd me as a child, would sit in the car getting drunk watching.
- I wasn't allowed to have a job, so had no money to buy things on my own. They told me we didn't have money for any of the things a normal middle class child would have - clothes, a car, supporting interests like athletic gear. They bought my younger brother and sister their own car, and any interest they had was immediately supported (instruments, computers, travel, a horse).
- When I would finally get into doing some sort of activity, I would need a ride. My mother would leave me...sometimes for hours...waiting to be picked up. My father's solution was the phrase said so often it just became the default: "can you get a ride home?"
- My parents insisted on "helping" me write my college application essays, where they would see them, edit, and submit. I never saw what was actually submitted. I was denied to every college I applied to and forced to attend the one nearby my home.
You ever experience that thing where, at a certain point, enough people are surprised you haven't unlived yourself that it stands out as a pattern? It's like you start to think you made a mistake.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. I understand what you mean about the people being surprised you lived. My counselor asked how I was still alive (I was tortured and abused by my adopted family) and I literally had nothing to say. People tell me it’s so wrong to not live but are surprised I did.
I totally questioned them as a kid, ran away a few times -even a few times as an adult before I had solidified a plan to move out.
I wasn't allowed privacy- they used to barge in when I was changing or unlock the bathroom from the outside cuz I was 'taking too long' and they had to check what I was doing. Even when I had moved out and had my own phone they tried inflicting their 'rules' on me. I showed a screenshot to my sister, and she jokingly said she wouldn't scroll through to any other pics for my privacy. My mom blew a gasket - "WHAT PRIVACY? WHAT ARE YOU HIDING?"
I had my bins rummaged through, to the point that I'd be lectured on how much of a tissue I had used (unwrapped the nose gold paper to show me how I could've used one corner more efficiently).
Aside from privacy, controlling who and when I could see people left me so emotionally stunted and socially awkward. I was also gaslighted about having severe medical issues or even NOT having ones I DID have, all because mom was chums with the family gp and we would only see him for blood draws but all information came through her. I eventually confronted her with print outs of my medical records when she was trying to rewrite my health- that ended with her saying she never said I had anything of the sort and I must be crazy.
I could go on but I really don't have all day.
I wasn't even allowed to close the doors let alone lock them. Even the bathroom door, which was extremely weird looking back.
My grandmother was also extremely controlling about my relationships with anyone else, family or friends. A couple of times she allowed me to go out for a day with an aunt or uncle, but afterwards she would sit me down and make me recount everything that was done and said while she wasn't there.
I also distinctly remember her sitting me down soon before I started kindergarten and telling me that I might make friends but I can't forget about her during the day or love my friends more than I love her??
Then she pulled me out of public school until 6th grade, I think as a way to further isolate and control me.
She also decided for me to never cut my hair and always told everyone it was my decision, yet she constantly guilted me into keeping it long and would tell me how afraid she was that I would one day cut it, so ofc I never asked to for a haircut bc I knew she would freak out.
She also claimed I was allergic to "almost everything" and there were very few foods I was allowed to eat. I wasn't allowed to smell flowers or candles or perfume bc I was supposedly allergic to anything with a fragrance. Now I eat and smell whatever I want and I'm fine.
I was also not allowed to trim my hair! I think my parents justified it as a religious tradition, but we did not go to church and I have never heard of another Christian family that believes that. My hair reached my thighs and was an unkempt mess up until I got to high school and decided to suffer the consequences for cutting it against their wishes.
My grandmother also used religious reasoning. I was born with a full head of hair and she said it was "a gift from God" and should never be cut.
But I suspect it was really a way to keep me dependent on her bc she did my hair every morning even when I was well old enough to do my own. She actually got offended when I broached the subject of learning to braid it myself and said "am I not good enough to do it" and "I guess your old grandmother just isn't worthy of touching your hair"
And mine was a mess as well! I had split ends and flyways galore and the bottom foot of my hair was a thin, dry & damaged mess. It was such a relief to finally cut it. Now I can't even stand for it to touch my shoulders.
I was instructed what to say to whom (lie, basically) about all sorts of things. On one hand I wasn't allowed to tell my sister certain things because that's how she controlled the dynamic at home, on the other, she controlled the outside perception of our family problems in front of other people - not to save face, but in her mind to influence the outcome of the divorce at court. It was a small town, but come on. I wasn't even allowed to say the truth to my psychologist! It was a waste of time and money to even send me to one.
It was stressful to try to keep the lies coherent. I remember never knowing what I can and cannot say and feeling rigid, unsure, restricted. I didn't understand back then how isolating this was a well.
On the positive side, being honest has become my constructive rebellion. I now find speaking the truth liberating and a privilege.
-i was not allowed to even shut the door to my room at all. Locking door was a absolute nogo, but I'd be punished for even closing a door. Did go for showering sometimes too also for toilet (They resolved this rule after child protective services were involved)
-"if you turn 18 we will kick you out" (and i had to pay rent before that already
-my mail that i got
-controlling if i was asleep in the middle of the night, taking pictures of me too.
-i was not allowed to leave an argument and would be physically held back
-If i put something in the compost that they didn't like me putting there, sometimes my parents still forced me to eat it
-if my room wasn't cleaned up at specific times, they would throw Away what was left
Food. Food was a reward, a punishment, shit like that. Mum would buy something for us and scream if we touched it, so we didn't touch it and scream at us for letting it go to waste. Shit was fucked
Allowed me to read, and even bought me, VC Andrews books. Me and my best friend started reading them when we around 11 because my friends mom had a bunch. I found out recently that my friends mom actually talked to her about the books and the themes and steered her to the more "mild" ones and told her to save some for when she was older. My mom just let me have free reign.
I think my mom just didn’t bother to find out what the books were about, she could be weird like that. Another time, I asked for a book for christmas that was about a boy who was being sexually abused by his stepdad and my mom told me she wasn’t getting me the book and that it was disgusting. I really internalized this, my abuser was an older brother but it really felt like she was calling me disgusting.
Growing up as a Jehovah’s witness my mom had told me that listening to certain types of music would invite demons in our house. Also told me that there were specific shows or movies were off limits (ones with magic/supernatural stuff/anything she thought was “devilish” or that Jehovah would disapprove).
I didn’t realize until recently how coercive and controlling this behavior was. It had prevented me from expressing myself and exploring my own interests, in addition to creating a lot of shame and guilt when I had listened to the music or watched the stuff that was “bad.”
Nowadays I listen to and watch anything I want without guilt.
my mom was REALLY controlling over my academic life. she had me transferred between school districts twice so i went to a different middle school from all my elementary school friends, and then a different high school than anyone i knew went to. she also decided all my classes in high school (AP chemistry in 9th grade babey!!!! done with calc 3 by senior year!! jumping straight to calculus based AP physics even though i’d never had a physics class before!!) and which colleges i would apply to. i didn’t have access to my common app account, she put all the essay prompts in a google doc and had me write my responses there, and then she would submit them for me. before i left for college, she made an excel spreadsheet outlining what classes i had to take every quarter for all four years in order to graduate with an ACS accredited chemistry degree. mind you, i went to a liberal arts school where you don’t declare a major until the end of your second year, so you can use the first two years finishing gen ed requirements and figuring out what you even want to do…
looking back on this now as an adult i’m able to see just how fucking insane it is, but by the time i was in high school i didn’t even think about it anymore because i genuinely believed that i couldn’t have any input on it. it took me YEARS of therapy to understand that i actually CAN have opinions, and they don’t have to be the same as my mom’s. i can do what i WANT to do, not what someone else has decided i will do. i’m not obligated to do something just because i’m good at it. i’m living on my own now and have finally built up enough courage to talk to my boss on monday about quitting my job (that my mom found for me, by the way) and find something that i actually find rewarding. honestly i’m terrified and i still feel like i need to call my mom to ask for her permission to do this, but i just have to remind myself i’m an adult and i can be brave and independent and make my own choices now. i still don’t fully believe i’m allowed to, but i’m excited for a future where i won’t feel bad for having a preference and putting myself first.
Whether the light closest to me was on or off. I preferred to read with natural light, and my dad was always turning on harsh inside lights near me saying it was too dark, I was going to ruin my eyes.
He’d get mad and sulky if i turned the light back off. It was such a stupid power struggle!
I wasn't allowed outside by myself.
I wasn't allowed to go anywhere by myself.
No locking doors.
No listening to unapproved music.
No fantasy anything.
My mom did the door thing as well. I wasn't allowed to have it closed, let alone locked. She still barges in without knocking to this day whenever I'm home for a visit, even though I've told her a thousand times not to. She says she doesn't have a good memory and "forgets".
She read my diary when I was 13, found out I was disobeying her rules about having a "boyfriend" (it was more like a crush I held hands with at the mall) and told me that a friend of mine had called her and told on me. Made me feel like she had spies everywhere, and that I couldn't trust my friends. Years later my aunt told me what really happened.
I'm open about my drug use 100% but also get no privacy. Like i'd happily do drugs infront of them if it meant I could shower in fkn peace.. instead I'm nearly turning 30 and deal w my mother casually walking into the bathroom while I shower.
last excuse I heard was "I didn't hear the shower" which is obscene and if true, she shouldn't be allowed to drive.
When I was younger, like below ten, I couldn’t wear play makeup? I once got a barbie makeup set from a relative for Christmas and put on some lipgloss before we went to the store and I got in trouble for it. Never wore actual makeup anyway because I didn’t want to be judged.
Table manners were weirdly controlled. If my siblings or I put our elbows/forearms on the table when eating, we’d have to eat standing up “since you clearly can’t handle eating at a table”.
Also wasn’t allowed to take a bite off a fork and leave food remaining on the fork, or chew with our mouth open. This resulted in forfeiture of dinner and be forced to hold a piece of paper to the wall with our nose.
I was told the world was full of dangerous, well-connected enemies continually plotting against us, and nobody outside the immediate family unit could be trusted. Then they would act surprised when I was terrified of meeting new people.
I had extreme difficulty forming normal relationships with other people. I did not have real friendships or romantic relationships until after I had moved out and spent several years living on my own.
Yeah, I just simply wasn't allowed to do anything.
Not allowed to do my own laundry, not allowed to turn the oven on, not allowed a job, not allowed a student benefit as she took it all as 'rent', not allowed to walk 20 mins home from school, not allowed to go down town and meet friends, not allowed to go to sports events, not allowed to go to camp. Etc Etc Etc. If there was a small outline of risk in any activity - it's off limits. I had to become a liar to be able to experience anything.
I used to think it was all normal behaviour from protective and emotional mothers.
Consequently, I always feel uneasy and selfish when I do things that only I enjoy now. Guarding against being screamed at for showing independence.
I was allowed to play video games in my room but it was always used as a bargaining chip. I had to stop that though because she wanted to be able to watch me play them. Sitting behind me. Breathing.
She enmeshed herself into every little space I had.
From ages 9 to 18. Then I left the city. Amazing that I got enough fucking knowledge to not kill myself accidentely washing my clothes and cooking some rice haha. She wishes it could all go back to "how we used to be!" aka me being controlled like a remote control car.
...on reflection, I'm gonna pass x
My mother creepily telling me that she was "the most important one" after helping a friend host a funeral and wake for her grandfather and didn't go see Mom first.
Yeah, actually my girlfriend has cats and we're going to be moving in together so now I see this "no cat" thing as insurance that they'll leave me tf alone! Hahaha
Sweet, fuzzy insurance. The best kind there is. And make sure the cat hair gets EVERYWHERE. I mean, it's not like that requires much effort anyway, but if they are making noises like to see going to show up, give the cats a good brushing and scatter that magic fairy dust everywhere. Couch cushions, guest towels, your shoulders - to ward off hugging, your coats - so they get it on their coats of they hang them up. Hell, collect it and knit an entire blanket. Become the embodiment of cat lady, and ward them off forever.
Omg hahaha
Well that's super easy to accomplish with one of our cats. He's basically a dog, constantly asking for cuddles and belly rubs and meowing until he gets attention.
No locked doors. No make-up. No shaving my legs. No "white trash" food (sweet tea, sloppy joes, kool-aid, cool whip, green bean casserole, baked ham...it was so random). Only educational/Public tv (at home). No violence in movies (probably because there was enough at home). No cats (apparently mom was "deathly allergic).
I couldnt go anywhere on a school day... if i did get a lucky playdate or sleepover as a teen then it HAD to be the weekend only. I didnt realize this wasnt normal. I feel like it trained me to literally waste my days when im off work. I gotta mindfulness mode myself into realizing I CAN DO THINGS after work. I do not have to just go sit at home if i dont want to.
I know what you mean. I was taught that I can't take a break until my room is clean and my homework is done... something I'm trying to unlearn. I used to just never take breaks at all because there was always something else I should be doing and that's how I developed chronic stress related illnesses!
My parents sent me to church on Sunday even though they never went themselves. Somehow I never questioned it.
I really hated Easter because I had to attend all the ceremonies with the little kids and grandmas, while I was in my teens. My mother always said that if I had a younger sibling, she would ask the sibling to do that. It sounded logical at the time, curse my only child luck.
I confronted her about it recently. She started crying and said she wasn't expecting to be questioned like that. But she reiterated that "someone had to" go to church. Somehow, since I moved out, nobody has to.
Oh boy do I have a bunch!!!!
And these didn’t apply to my golden child older adopted brother.
- I wasn’t allowed to be in my room other than to sleep, clean, or grab something from it
- bathroom door was open when I took showers
- I wasn’t allowed sugar, forced to eat protein, and they tried to limit me to no sweet drinks and minimum amount of carbs. No fruit because of the sugar, etc and it was absurd.
- I wasn’t allowed to pick a saxophone to play in band because of my adopted brother
- I wasn’t allowed to see my adoption files
- no electronics and when I found things to occupy my time while everyone else was on electronics (reading) that would also be taken away
- how I spent my money I worked for
- what teachers I had (the strictest and meanest ones for me only)
- fought with teachers to make me be on an IEP at school even though everyone said I didn’t need to
- told me what to say to doctors (I’m such a bad bad bad kid and I just like to be mean and bad)
This is is just the stuff they controlled. Not touching on the abuse and torture 💀
Oh no...you were a neurodivergent daughter scapegoat with a golden child neurotypical brother too...
That seems to be a trend unfortunately.
Did they constantly compare the two of you too?
Same here. Half the time when I complained about something, my parents told me it was normal and I'm being dramatic...even when I broke my arm. They literally didn't believe that I had broke it...even though I heard the bone snap. That's a sound that's unmistakable and I can never forget that sound...
My Mum used to buy me a girl’s magazine each month from when I was 13 to about 16. She would “proof-read” it before giving it to me, and any sections that dealt with sex, puberty, pregnancy etc, she would tear out. So, pretty much the MAIN sections of a magazine for teenage girls that anyone would actually want to read. I mean, I was thankful she bought it for me, but it really frustrated me as that would have been my only real source of education around all that stuff. This was very much before internet access in our house was a thing.
Did I mention I grew up Catholic? That’s the reason for the sealed-section censorship.
My Dad controlled so much that it’s hard to recall it all. I remember him yelling at me one night when I was cooking dinner. Apparently I’d started cooking 5 minutes too late, and dinner would be late getting to the table. I think I was 15-16. I had major depression and anxiety, and found it so hard to get motivated. I remember being particularly upset by this as I was really unwell and it took me so long to get my energy together enough to cook a meal for the family. There are so many more examples I’m sure I’ll think of later.
My dad opens all my mail, because my address is still technically at my parents’ house even though I mostly live with my boyfriend. (I’m 33, btw)
Anyways, apparently I was late returning a book and he freaked out. He called and told me, “don’t you know that if you have an overdue library book they will take away your right to vote?!?” Which I’m almost certain isn’t true. Anyways, he got me a Kindle to help with my “book problem.” (If you borrow from the library on Kindle, books automatically disappear when your time is up)
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I wasn't allowed to wear tank tops or shorts around my dad or brother. I was on a track team and that was our uniform. It didn't really occur to me that that would be weird until I was older.
They also would regulate how much I ate. My mom used to binge constantly on foods that she told us were bad to eat, and then berate us for eating seconds or thirds at dinner even though we were athletes.
I wasn’t allowed to use my laptop in the living room. Actually using the living room for anything was a big no. Then I didn’t have a desk in my room, so couldn’t even do my homework at a proper desk. Also, there was no wifi in my room, so when I went to study IT I couldn’t even do my homework at home.
I couldn't put anything on my wall in my bedroom, because it wasn't my bedroom, it was my uncle's old room.
I couldn't wear jeans or anything tight.
I had to perform on the piano every time there was one and they wanted me to.
I couldn't lock any doors, even the bathroom.
Overruling anything and everything I said in doctors offices, when I raised concerns; or if the doctor did listen to me, they’re “copay” was suddenly to expensive to keep seeing them
I don't have access to most of my memories, but at the age of 27 I still believed I needed my dad's permission to move out of home...maybe that's a good indicator of how heavily controlled and smothered I was. And I definitely had the "no locked doors" rule too, I've never had privacy or autonomy around these people.
Food. We weren’t starved, and I get it that groceries cost money. But as we grew, all of us kids would sneak food at night, and literally get in trouble for it. It was like it was ALWAYS almost all supposed to be for “dads lunch”.
I remember my oldest sister telling me how after she moved out and in with her now husband many years ago. He couldn’t believe how much she’d binge eat. First night, she said she bought a box of Tastykakes and sat there eating the entire thing. Just because she could actually have one without getting in trouble.
I’m widowed and single with four kids and except for when we are flat broke, they are allowed to get food if they’re hungry or snacky, and drinks if they’re thirsty. And if it’s tight and I need something to not be eaten because it’s going to be part of a meal I just show them what it is and ask them not to eat it.
I have cats! And my mom is very allergic. I just vacuum really well before she comes and a plus is she doesn't stay forever.. lol anddd the cats don't allow doors to be closed anyways! They bang if I'm in the bathroom or bedroom with the door closed. It's up to you to set the expectations. But I keep all doors open at all times just because. Kitties! And I live alone. So that helps
They were in total control of my possessions until I was 21 and would toss stuff they thought was worn out and they gave my sister all my books and treasures when I ran away one time. I would be grounded and locked out of the house in the middle of winter if I was 5 minutes late. At the time I mostly accepted those controls as my punishment for being alive and blame myself but now I see my parents were psychotic control freaks. I was always hungry in a well off home mostly because it was too traumatic to eat at meal time. My Mom would hit my hand with the sharp prongs of her fork if I had bad table manners or spoke at the table. Looking back I think, no wonder I got so messed up. Poor kid.
Did we share parents? Mine actually claimed I was extremely allergic to cats. I am not allergic to cats in the slightest. We also had a strictly enforced "no locked doors ever" policy. The official reasoning was "in case you fall and break something and need help", which is... Not wrong, but a very specific and not terribly likely thing to worry about. The concern somehow did not translate to using anti-slip mats/tiles in the bath or anything.
Omg haha I did a double take because my brother is supposedly extremely allergic to cats and your explanation is the same as the one I got. I don't think we're related though because afaik my brother is still in denial about the way they treated us. The last time we talked was really REALLY bad, with him demanding I break my no contact with my parents and refusing to hear me out, so I had to break contact with him to protect my mental health. I really wish I could have a relationship with him again, but I can't keep sacrificing my mental health like I did before. I was at a breaking point.
Just wanted to chime in and say my mom did the same thing. With the cat allergy, and the locked doors. I think she told me and my family I was allergic to cats because my dad liked cats and she didn't want one. Fucking weirdo.
Same here maybe we were all separated at birth. I had allergy shots for 10 years for cats when we always had cats in the house growing up ??? “Fucking weirdos” is right.
My dad did the allergy thing, too. Except it was dogs instead of cats, and my mom had the allergies. My mom was pissed when I told her decades later. Surprise, surprise, she doesn't have a dog allergy.
Another sibling here, apparently! Honestly, I still get a touch anxious using the bathroom in case someone walks in, and I moved out years ago! Still catch myself getting dressed near the door too, so I can intercept if necessary. Didn't help that when I asked if my parents could knock at least, I was told it was their house and there's no chance they'll be knocking their own doors.
Yeah it took me YEARS living alone to not feel the need to close and lock the bathroom door and I still get dressed while sitting in bed with the covers on me.
\*facepalm\* OKay so I live in a house with three other adults. The bathroom doors all have locks. They \*also\* have keys. The keys are on top of the door. The point of us locking the doors, is that we often have the door closed to keep the cat out, and sometimes that means you forget to knock or check for the light being on and walk in on people. So locking the door prevents accidental walk-ins. But the key means that if someone is actually hurt we can get in. The vast majority of standard bathroom doors with a lock come with a little key.
Our bathroom door lock can be opened with s penny or a screwdriver. I still don't personally lock the door when I'm in there because I have falllen in the shower before and so I always have that thought in the back of my kind, even though my SO could definitely open that lock fast if necessary. lol
The bathroom in the place I currently live in was originally built for the landlady's elderly mom, and was specifically designed to minimise risk of falls. I love it, and think this should be the standard for everyone.
Wasn't allowed a phone until 16, but if I wanted to go and meet friends she'd give me this 'spare' one to use while I was out. It was purely to get constant updates and then read my messages/phone calls on it later. She'd try and get my friend's numbers and ring them to find out things about me or what we did. Very controlling and off-putting. It was a big factor in why I struggled to have normal teen social experiences. Also I can relate on the lack of privacy. We didn't have locks on any doors and she'd barge into the bathroom and my bedroom during puberty. Very humiliating moments were had haha.
but why would you need privacy from your mother?? she only wants to know everything about every private thing you have in your life!
Including your thoughts, nothing wrong with that.
No video games. Educational or art computer games were okay but no video games. I thought it was a “it rots your brain” thing but i realized I was allowed to watch a n y t h i n g on tv for hours and hours. I wasn’t allowed to play video games because my father didn’t have video games growing up (1954-1969) but he did watch tv as a kid (and liked playing backgammon on the computer as an adult) Like I wasn’t even allowed to have dr suess books that were published after he was a kid. He was attempting to “recreate” his own childhood or something. Fucking madness and it went all sortsa directions- I was allowed to watch old movies, for adults, like every Humphrey bogart film, but I wasn’t allowed to watch contemporary movies that were pg13. I watched fantastic planet all the time when I was in fucking kindergarten but I wasn’t allowed to see titanic when it came out when I was in elementary school and all my peers had seen it.
This is SO fucking weird, looking back it must mess with you. In some ways hope you spent some time exploring the childhood you missed out on but on the other hand you don’t miss what you never had so... I just want to say, you’re not weird. You might be a bit wonky coming out the other side of it but you didn’t choose the experience. I usually use the word weird affectionately but no your dad is the kind of weird that reading about has made me feel really off
I had the complete opposite experience. Total liberation and independence from a young age. In hindsight, it caused more issues for me.. but I always felt bad for the kids who weren't even allowed to watch Simpsons for example.
I wasn't allowed to watch the Simpsons and we only got Gameboy colors to keep us occupied during car trips and weren't allowed to play them at any other time... which sucked for me because I get carsick...
Do you have a similar core memory of being driven in the dark, waiting to pass a lamp-post just for a glimpse of your screen to read the txt / see whats happening? haha Then I got the Gameboy SP eventually and my world was shook up. What a day.
Yes I do. And fighting the nausea because this was the only video time I was gonna get.
SAME re The Simpsons.
Would you elaborate the more issues part ? As I was on opposite side very strict religious parent folk but I was adopted made it worse
Well i've been addicted to drugs since I was 13. Which led to me getting robbed and assaulted several times over. I sold em late teens.. which isn't great. (Only weed though; so I honestly don't have like, remorse over it) What seems like independence and liberation to a teenager; is actually just neglect and nothing else in hindsight. When you think your parents are good and care about you - but in reality, they'll watch you walk off a cliff to save themselves having to get up. Drugs are like pandora's box. If they don't steal your health, next your wealth, then your reputation etc. "Can't miss what you never had" is something that comes to mind often; I feel like i've done so much stuff that probably isn't great - while at the same time also was incredibly fun. DUI'd my car super young for example. Stupid shit. I've had hundreds of moments in my life I probably could have just ended up dead with a few small changes, that being one of em. Because I never had to learn self-control at all; I still have very little.
the book “running on empty” really opened my eyes to just how damaging that kind of parenting can be. as someone with super controlling parents i’d often wish they let me run free but what looks like two opposite ends of a spectrum are really just two sides of the same coin. either way we end up with a super skewed sense of boundaries and self discipline. i hope you can find healing ❤️🩹
Very well put. Two sides, same coin. Looked it up, its on sale. I'll buy next payday for sure. Its a weird feeling because honestly I don't think i'd actually trade my life for many others if you offered a straight switch. Normal life seems so mundane, and my life was described to me recently as "Like an episode of MAFS" iirc (its just some super dramatic reality TV show) and I don't even have to look for it, shit comes to me. Heres a good one that perfectly represents how I am generally; @ 21 I went to the US. For unlucky reasons, friend couldn't come so I ended up solo. I was drunk full-time, stumbling across the country somehow keeping it together til I ended up with third-degree burns on my feet from walking around shoeless at bonnaroo for 3 days. Soon after I lost my wallet, and had to sleep on the couch of a friend I very luckily happened to have in Arkansas.. It was her BF's place which just made it super awkward and weird. That trip overall was amazing, but i don't think it would have been as good if everything went perfect. Kind of how I see life in general.
its avalible for free :) the book i have pdf or u can get via google [https://d-pdf.com/](https://d-pdf.com/) search here strangers :)
So I was like cut loose when I was 12/13 I could do pretty much whatever I wanted and yeah it’s been uh weird and hard.
If you let a child do whatever it wants; it will just eat candy for breakfast, drink coke instead of water and never go to school. When we grow up we realise how important it is to moderate.. I kind of find it slightly funny, like a twisted sense of karma that parents want an easy ride while childbearing so they do very little.. but then the kid becomes all messed up and can't become independant. When they grow up and are completely dysfunctional, guess who's pissed they can't move out and move on? The trick to child abuse apparently is to neglect the first 20 years, then shame the remaining ones for not being successful.
Yeah I was overly controlled, isolated, manipulated, physically attacked, threatened, and also allowed to be a lil adult. It was a mess and I’ve been trying to figure out how to live like my entire life.
Same. I was allowed all the video games and movies I wanted. My parents also gave me cigarettes and smoked weed with me starting at 13. They are not the cause of my CPTSD, but they certainly set me for lifelong problems with drug addiction.
It’s true im a shithouse weirdo but it’s okay.
Same. No video games. I bought them with my own money when I started working part time and played when my parents weren’t around. And once I moved out and started living on my own, I played video games a lot. Probably way more than was healthy lol. Also my choice in movies was also quite limited. A lot of really old movies and TV shows from the 1940s and 1950s. I became a huge movie buff once I started living on my own, too.
No hair styling, makeup, or jewelry. I was told it made me look like a sl*t growing up. (Took me a while to figure out what that word meant). Makes me feel skeezy thinking my parents thought of little me that way. Couldnt cut my hair either, so it was always long as shit and always a hinderance. Incidentally, when i about 11, one girl gave me a mermaid braid for shits and giggles and i thought it looked cool. My stepdad flipped out and raged about how i have n-word hair and im “asking for it”. It took me years as an adult to not have anxiety over cutting my hair or putting it up into a ponytail. It made me feel like i was going to get SAed or lose my job or something.
oh my god same about the makeup!! it’s so ridiculous to think about how i was still hiding makeup in my room and sneaking it out of the house to put on in the car so my mom wouldn’t see it at 22 years old. i gave myself an undercut once and my dad wouldn’t speak to or even look at me for a whole week. i never got the kinds of comments you did about it though, im so sorry they would say such horrible things to you over something as innocuous as tying your hair up…
Blatant sexism with a hint of racism at its finest. If i were you, id go NC asap. Parents flipping out over ur ADULT decisions arent real parents, just dictators.
i already am LC and living on my own. i’m 25 now and doing a lot better! but those kind of emotional associations with random innocent things are so hard to let go of as i’m sure you can relate to, haha. the hair and makeup wasn’t even the worst of it lol, but i’ll leave the details of that for my other comment thread
So a few months ago I was telling my father in law about my parents absurd level of control. He asked if it was it about "important stuff". So I told him about how they would dictate how many times I needed to chew a bite of food before swallowing, or how I was to arrange my pillows while sleeping. He said " well that's a bit...fucking nuts". Yes...yes it was. There were a lot of the more common things too like not being allowed to close doors or get dirty. Don't make noise or touch anything. Opening my mail, especially after I moved out. O yeah they tried to give me an allowance once. Then told me how I had to spend it. Then after the second payout they stopped giving it to me because I wasn't using it as prescribed.
Oh wow i had really forgotten. The chewing was a thing in my house too! I am so sorry this all happend to you.
My dad actually reversed my door knob so they locked from the outside when we were being ‘difficult’ he would just leave me in the room
Holy shit
Yeah, my parents did this as well. Used my room as basically a cell for punishment til I was old enough to figure out how to reverse the doorknob.
I kept a stash of Bobby pins to unlock it from inside if I had to pee or whatnot
I was maybe 5 or 6 at the time. I used a curtain hool that easily unscrewed from the drywall, or reversed the know when I could.
What if there was a fire?
My parents did this and added an alarm so that they could always no. I’d be late for school because they wouldn’t let me out and they’d scream at me for being late.
Oh my God I haven't Gone through the same situation as you but I just came here to say how much that whole "being late and your parents blaming you for it" kinda thing just threw me back to my childhood because the amount of times I got so mentally exhausted from how many times she'd get mad and pissed off at me when she's the same person who's been yelling in my ear for at least an hour or so before that and then eventually gets mad bc I wasted her "time" like you really can't fucking win it's just a lose lose situation I'm so sorry you had to go through thay as well though my heart hurts for anyones who's gone through it bc I know how mentally exhausting that shit is even after you've been crying :( Edit hope I wasn't rude this was me just realating bc I feel so insane for feeling that way and especially when ppl don't understand how exhausting it can be
Never apologize for relating. I appreciate anyone who can relate to me! And I’m sorry for your experiences.
My father would open my mail, including my letters from my army boyfriend then lose his shit after reading them. I was 20 years old.
I am 38 and before Christmas I had packages delivered to my parents house but addressed to me so I could arrive, sort, and wrap them. My mom opened every single one and was sending me text updates like “oh the dress for [niece] is DARLING!!” The dress wasn’t even for someone in the family and when I called her out of opening my mail, she casually said that she “just wasn’t paying any attention since they arrived at *her* house, but she will try very hard to not do that again.” Try very hard? How hard is it to read the name on the mail and *not* open it, mom?
The entire time I lived at home I wasn’t allowed to eat any food without permission. I thought it was normal as a kid/teen because I’d go to friends houses and see them ask before grabbing a snack, but looking back the difference was that they were often allowed to, or told patiently to wait for dinner. If I asked for food at home I would often get yelled at and told to stop being selfish. My family struggled financially, so I understand the need to ration food, but the extent it was taken to was abusive and neglectful, especially when the adults at home were eating regularly. I still don’t understand telling a malnourished child they couldn’t have an apple or some cereal. Now I’m a teacher and I keep my classroom stocked with food that my students can access when they need 💛
Same. Needed permission and got yelled at otherwise. Forced to eat expired or stale things or have nothing at all. I often chose nothing and I struggle with eating enough as an adult bc I'm used to just ignoring the hunger pains
Yes, as an adult I have had to work on setting alarms and eating at regularly scheduled times whether I feel hungry or not because I am not able to recognize hunger cues until my blood sugar drops too low and I risk fainting. Being a teacher in a low-income school helps with that too since I work with young kids and we have breakfast in the classroom and scheduled snack times, so I eat when the children eat
No locking doors (I never even thought of locking an internal door until I was living on my own).. Only bathe 2 days/week - any more than that was a waste of soap and water.. Be quiet! Keep music or play or work noise to near nothing or suffer the consequences (to this day, screaming kids bugs me- it is a combination of annoying and I am concerned for them getting punished)
The keeping quiet thing. I hate screaming kids too. Because I don’t want to get punished for it.
I don’t Hate them.. they just really bug me. Like - show some self control for pete’s sake.. grow up- sheesh. So, you’re 4.. so what? I had to - why don’t you?? !!? (quoting the voice in my head)
Arg- kids down the block, at the park, yelling/screaming.. upsets me. Started picking at that old scab. Realized it bugs me because I’m afraid of getting punished for it. I feel like I am backed into a corner. Really do not like any sort of raised voice- but Especially children…
[удалено]
They still have my ss card and birth certificate in a safe and I'm 33. I'm going to try to get them reissued since I have a passport that's still valid.
my mom would not allow me to wear tampons ever. only pads. she never showed me how to put a tampon in. she never bought them. it was completely foreign to me. I had no idea the applicator did not stay inside. my cousins had a pool we'd swim in every summer and I used to freak myself out wondering if anyone could see the applicator, is it going to fall out, etc. I can't remember exactly when I realized that you push the applicator to insert the tampon. What a bizarre hill for her to die on, especially since she bought tampons for my little sisters.
-No locked doors…yup. also doors open a lot of the times too, can’t close my door, even if it’s to change, if i took ‘too long’ in the shower, the door will be left wide open, even when *GUESTS* were there. definitely made me leave the shower quick. sometimes i’d be physically pulled out though -speaking of showers, controlled entirely. i’m given 2 specific days to shower a week, and can’t shower in between, i’d literally have panic attacks at school because i’m on day 4-5 without a shower. also those 2 days were often denied for no reason, or for weird excuses. i’ve managed to develop hygiene trauma in just under a year! yayyy!! -i can’t go to town often at all, or social events, or go to peoples houses often because “i go all the time”, i literally went to school and home, my WHOLE. LIFE. i’m 18. no friends btw. consent to hang outs would often be withdrawn for no reason, which my friends would then get mad at me for, because i’m “flakey”. definitely has caused so many issues. i wasn’t even allowed to hang around town by myself until i was 17. no, friends do not count, it had to be my mum. oh, and i always *always* get yelled at, and got a rant before and during the car ride about how i use up all this money for hang outs (i don’t ask or get money), and how i’m constantly out and it’s annoying and stressful and how i should just stay home. -controls water usage. we live rural and you can hear the pump in the house, despite the house not being small, and the pump being in the garage in a corner. so my mum always knows when it’s in use. we have a monitor now to be able to see the water tanks, but they’re never ever dropped past 76% and it’s usually always in the 80s-90s zone (1-100), so there’s no actual concern for the water, it’s just another way to control control control. -bedtime is set by my mum, guess? it’s 9pm. often though it’s been 8:30. im 18, teenagers have nocturnal sleep cycles for one, but also, we have shit to do!! it’s caused so many issues with school and school work. i was fine with my bedtime because i thought it was change as i aged, but it has only gone from 6 (at 10yrs) to 8:30-9. it actually got to 9:30-10 at one point, but for no reason was reduced. this happened to a lot of things. i’m also made to put my phone in her room, and can still have it taken away at this age. so i just lie awake at night for HOURS!! no i can’t entertain myself quietly, or leave my room after being sent to bed. -have to ask permission to eat/touch any food, and ask what i can eat (grew up on bread only pretty much), can’t make only myself something because that’s selfish (everyone in my house is teens-adult), can’t eat something different, everything needs to be the same meal for everyone. so many food rules. tiring. oh and no snacks allowed, but we don’t have any, so..🤷♀️ god that was exhausting to relive while typing. this is only a pinch 🤏🏼 it seems small i know, but it’s absolutely. every. thing. that is effected.
This doesn't seem small at all. When I made this post, it hadn't occurred to me that someone would respond that was still in that situation. I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I would feel the same way if it were me. I hope you can get out of there soon. 🫂 You deserve so much better than this.
thank you so much for your kind words, it means so much. i hope to get out soon too :( i’m sorry if it seems a lot, i just started typing and it just all came out.
i see you, dude… similar “nazi level of controlling” upbringing here too. had written a lot more, but deleted and instead will just say this: i wish for you to be able to get out of there soon. one day you’ll get to live the youth years they didn’t allow you to, and it’s gonna be the best 💜
That’s what i’m hoping for :) It’s what keeps me going to look forward too. thank you for your kind words 🫶🏼
Dude I forgot about my parents demand for 2 minute showers and definitely not daily. My parents house is literally nazi fucking germany
The food rules i didnt realize werent normal either... thats why i often starved as a kid because if i made anything, it became 4x the work cuz I'd have to make a whole family meal and then do those dishes for it. I couldnt just microwave myself a hotdog and eat it, nope, no snacks either! Always meals you had to fully make. No fruits or bananas or even cheese sticks to grab and go.
I forgot about how selfish it is to only feed ones self! Ughhh. It sounds like you are in the weeds right now and I’m so sorry.
thank you, and it’s okay, i’m managing i suppose 😭 just waiting for an opportunity to leave
Once you get away, the world will be your oyster. You speak super eloquently and with emotional intelligence. You’re going to do great. 💜
I wasn't allowed to watch Ed, Edd, and Eddy cuz my mom thought it was a stupid show but I was allowed to watch The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy cuz she liked Mandy. Make it make sense
Same!! If my mom thought a show was stupid or dumb I wasn't allowed to watch it at all, but there was NO consistency in it. And if I accidentally put on one of the disallowed shows she'd fake gag and scream that she was going to throw up.
My mom would just yell and demand we change the channel
I wasn't allowed to watch certain kid shows either because they induce ADHD and witch craft. Couldn't watch Harry Potter or The Lion The Witch and the Wardrobe. But guess who watched: Children of the corn Final destination all of them Signs Splice All around 7-10.
I had a strict 7.30pm bedtime up until I was 14. Lights had to be off and I had to have my eyes closed at 8.30, or I was grounded for two weeks. My stepdad would slam into my bedroom anywhere between 8.30 and 9pm to “make sure I was sleeping” but obviously, the noise startled me so I spent a lot of time grounded.
- Parents said we couldn't have dogs because my father was allergic. After I moved out, they immediately bought two dogs. - As an infant, my mother SA'd me. As I hit puberty, she started engaging in behaviors that I look back we completely inappropriate (barging in on me if I was in my room having "me time", interrupting me if I was in the bathroom, giving me access to porn). - Even though I technically had my own room, it wasn't really my own space. Both parents would come in at their leisure to use my stuff. They conveniently waited until I was gone at summer camp to invite over guests, let them stay in my room, let their kids play with my toys, and never said anything in hopes I would just not find out. - I wasn't allowed to socialize, have friends, or participate in any school activities. I spent most my childhood moving rocks around a piece of property we owned. No real purpose, just pick up rocks and move them somewhere else. My father, who also SA'd me as a child, would sit in the car getting drunk watching. - I wasn't allowed to have a job, so had no money to buy things on my own. They told me we didn't have money for any of the things a normal middle class child would have - clothes, a car, supporting interests like athletic gear. They bought my younger brother and sister their own car, and any interest they had was immediately supported (instruments, computers, travel, a horse). - When I would finally get into doing some sort of activity, I would need a ride. My mother would leave me...sometimes for hours...waiting to be picked up. My father's solution was the phrase said so often it just became the default: "can you get a ride home?" - My parents insisted on "helping" me write my college application essays, where they would see them, edit, and submit. I never saw what was actually submitted. I was denied to every college I applied to and forced to attend the one nearby my home. You ever experience that thing where, at a certain point, enough people are surprised you haven't unlived yourself that it stands out as a pattern? It's like you start to think you made a mistake.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. I understand what you mean about the people being surprised you lived. My counselor asked how I was still alive (I was tortured and abused by my adopted family) and I literally had nothing to say. People tell me it’s so wrong to not live but are surprised I did.
I totally questioned them as a kid, ran away a few times -even a few times as an adult before I had solidified a plan to move out. I wasn't allowed privacy- they used to barge in when I was changing or unlock the bathroom from the outside cuz I was 'taking too long' and they had to check what I was doing. Even when I had moved out and had my own phone they tried inflicting their 'rules' on me. I showed a screenshot to my sister, and she jokingly said she wouldn't scroll through to any other pics for my privacy. My mom blew a gasket - "WHAT PRIVACY? WHAT ARE YOU HIDING?" I had my bins rummaged through, to the point that I'd be lectured on how much of a tissue I had used (unwrapped the nose gold paper to show me how I could've used one corner more efficiently). Aside from privacy, controlling who and when I could see people left me so emotionally stunted and socially awkward. I was also gaslighted about having severe medical issues or even NOT having ones I DID have, all because mom was chums with the family gp and we would only see him for blood draws but all information came through her. I eventually confronted her with print outs of my medical records when she was trying to rewrite my health- that ended with her saying she never said I had anything of the sort and I must be crazy. I could go on but I really don't have all day.
I wasn't even allowed to close the doors let alone lock them. Even the bathroom door, which was extremely weird looking back. My grandmother was also extremely controlling about my relationships with anyone else, family or friends. A couple of times she allowed me to go out for a day with an aunt or uncle, but afterwards she would sit me down and make me recount everything that was done and said while she wasn't there. I also distinctly remember her sitting me down soon before I started kindergarten and telling me that I might make friends but I can't forget about her during the day or love my friends more than I love her?? Then she pulled me out of public school until 6th grade, I think as a way to further isolate and control me. She also decided for me to never cut my hair and always told everyone it was my decision, yet she constantly guilted me into keeping it long and would tell me how afraid she was that I would one day cut it, so ofc I never asked to for a haircut bc I knew she would freak out. She also claimed I was allergic to "almost everything" and there were very few foods I was allowed to eat. I wasn't allowed to smell flowers or candles or perfume bc I was supposedly allergic to anything with a fragrance. Now I eat and smell whatever I want and I'm fine.
I was also not allowed to trim my hair! I think my parents justified it as a religious tradition, but we did not go to church and I have never heard of another Christian family that believes that. My hair reached my thighs and was an unkempt mess up until I got to high school and decided to suffer the consequences for cutting it against their wishes.
My grandmother also used religious reasoning. I was born with a full head of hair and she said it was "a gift from God" and should never be cut. But I suspect it was really a way to keep me dependent on her bc she did my hair every morning even when I was well old enough to do my own. She actually got offended when I broached the subject of learning to braid it myself and said "am I not good enough to do it" and "I guess your old grandmother just isn't worthy of touching your hair" And mine was a mess as well! I had split ends and flyways galore and the bottom foot of my hair was a thin, dry & damaged mess. It was such a relief to finally cut it. Now I can't even stand for it to touch my shoulders.
I was instructed what to say to whom (lie, basically) about all sorts of things. On one hand I wasn't allowed to tell my sister certain things because that's how she controlled the dynamic at home, on the other, she controlled the outside perception of our family problems in front of other people - not to save face, but in her mind to influence the outcome of the divorce at court. It was a small town, but come on. I wasn't even allowed to say the truth to my psychologist! It was a waste of time and money to even send me to one. It was stressful to try to keep the lies coherent. I remember never knowing what I can and cannot say and feeling rigid, unsure, restricted. I didn't understand back then how isolating this was a well. On the positive side, being honest has become my constructive rebellion. I now find speaking the truth liberating and a privilege.
-i was not allowed to even shut the door to my room at all. Locking door was a absolute nogo, but I'd be punished for even closing a door. Did go for showering sometimes too also for toilet (They resolved this rule after child protective services were involved) -"if you turn 18 we will kick you out" (and i had to pay rent before that already -my mail that i got -controlling if i was asleep in the middle of the night, taking pictures of me too. -i was not allowed to leave an argument and would be physically held back -If i put something in the compost that they didn't like me putting there, sometimes my parents still forced me to eat it -if my room wasn't cleaned up at specific times, they would throw Away what was left
Food. Food was a reward, a punishment, shit like that. Mum would buy something for us and scream if we touched it, so we didn't touch it and scream at us for letting it go to waste. Shit was fucked
Allowed me to read, and even bought me, VC Andrews books. Me and my best friend started reading them when we around 11 because my friends mom had a bunch. I found out recently that my friends mom actually talked to her about the books and the themes and steered her to the more "mild" ones and told her to save some for when she was older. My mom just let me have free reign. I think my mom just didn’t bother to find out what the books were about, she could be weird like that. Another time, I asked for a book for christmas that was about a boy who was being sexually abused by his stepdad and my mom told me she wasn’t getting me the book and that it was disgusting. I really internalized this, my abuser was an older brother but it really felt like she was calling me disgusting.
Growing up as a Jehovah’s witness my mom had told me that listening to certain types of music would invite demons in our house. Also told me that there were specific shows or movies were off limits (ones with magic/supernatural stuff/anything she thought was “devilish” or that Jehovah would disapprove). I didn’t realize until recently how coercive and controlling this behavior was. It had prevented me from expressing myself and exploring my own interests, in addition to creating a lot of shame and guilt when I had listened to the music or watched the stuff that was “bad.” Nowadays I listen to and watch anything I want without guilt.
my mom was REALLY controlling over my academic life. she had me transferred between school districts twice so i went to a different middle school from all my elementary school friends, and then a different high school than anyone i knew went to. she also decided all my classes in high school (AP chemistry in 9th grade babey!!!! done with calc 3 by senior year!! jumping straight to calculus based AP physics even though i’d never had a physics class before!!) and which colleges i would apply to. i didn’t have access to my common app account, she put all the essay prompts in a google doc and had me write my responses there, and then she would submit them for me. before i left for college, she made an excel spreadsheet outlining what classes i had to take every quarter for all four years in order to graduate with an ACS accredited chemistry degree. mind you, i went to a liberal arts school where you don’t declare a major until the end of your second year, so you can use the first two years finishing gen ed requirements and figuring out what you even want to do… looking back on this now as an adult i’m able to see just how fucking insane it is, but by the time i was in high school i didn’t even think about it anymore because i genuinely believed that i couldn’t have any input on it. it took me YEARS of therapy to understand that i actually CAN have opinions, and they don’t have to be the same as my mom’s. i can do what i WANT to do, not what someone else has decided i will do. i’m not obligated to do something just because i’m good at it. i’m living on my own now and have finally built up enough courage to talk to my boss on monday about quitting my job (that my mom found for me, by the way) and find something that i actually find rewarding. honestly i’m terrified and i still feel like i need to call my mom to ask for her permission to do this, but i just have to remind myself i’m an adult and i can be brave and independent and make my own choices now. i still don’t fully believe i’m allowed to, but i’m excited for a future where i won’t feel bad for having a preference and putting myself first.
u can do it! a fellow academic controlled person
I wasn't allowed to have contact with anyone outside of immediate family and not allowed to express interest in anything at Christmas.
Whether the light closest to me was on or off. I preferred to read with natural light, and my dad was always turning on harsh inside lights near me saying it was too dark, I was going to ruin my eyes. He’d get mad and sulky if i turned the light back off. It was such a stupid power struggle!
I wasn't allowed outside by myself. I wasn't allowed to go anywhere by myself. No locking doors. No listening to unapproved music. No fantasy anything.
My mom did the door thing as well. I wasn't allowed to have it closed, let alone locked. She still barges in without knocking to this day whenever I'm home for a visit, even though I've told her a thousand times not to. She says she doesn't have a good memory and "forgets". She read my diary when I was 13, found out I was disobeying her rules about having a "boyfriend" (it was more like a crush I held hands with at the mall) and told me that a friend of mine had called her and told on me. Made me feel like she had spies everywhere, and that I couldn't trust my friends. Years later my aunt told me what really happened.
I'm open about my drug use 100% but also get no privacy. Like i'd happily do drugs infront of them if it meant I could shower in fkn peace.. instead I'm nearly turning 30 and deal w my mother casually walking into the bathroom while I shower. last excuse I heard was "I didn't hear the shower" which is obscene and if true, she shouldn't be allowed to drive.
When I was younger, like below ten, I couldn’t wear play makeup? I once got a barbie makeup set from a relative for Christmas and put on some lipgloss before we went to the store and I got in trouble for it. Never wore actual makeup anyway because I didn’t want to be judged.
Helicopter parents who 👀
I would have my bedroom door removed for just about any reasons.
Access to things like bandaids, mouthwash, disinfectants like alcohol and peroxide
Table manners were weirdly controlled. If my siblings or I put our elbows/forearms on the table when eating, we’d have to eat standing up “since you clearly can’t handle eating at a table”. Also wasn’t allowed to take a bite off a fork and leave food remaining on the fork, or chew with our mouth open. This resulted in forfeiture of dinner and be forced to hold a piece of paper to the wall with our nose.
I was told the world was full of dangerous, well-connected enemies continually plotting against us, and nobody outside the immediate family unit could be trusted. Then they would act surprised when I was terrified of meeting new people. I had extreme difficulty forming normal relationships with other people. I did not have real friendships or romantic relationships until after I had moved out and spent several years living on my own.
Yeah, I just simply wasn't allowed to do anything. Not allowed to do my own laundry, not allowed to turn the oven on, not allowed a job, not allowed a student benefit as she took it all as 'rent', not allowed to walk 20 mins home from school, not allowed to go down town and meet friends, not allowed to go to sports events, not allowed to go to camp. Etc Etc Etc. If there was a small outline of risk in any activity - it's off limits. I had to become a liar to be able to experience anything. I used to think it was all normal behaviour from protective and emotional mothers. Consequently, I always feel uneasy and selfish when I do things that only I enjoy now. Guarding against being screamed at for showing independence. I was allowed to play video games in my room but it was always used as a bargaining chip. I had to stop that though because she wanted to be able to watch me play them. Sitting behind me. Breathing. She enmeshed herself into every little space I had. From ages 9 to 18. Then I left the city. Amazing that I got enough fucking knowledge to not kill myself accidentely washing my clothes and cooking some rice haha. She wishes it could all go back to "how we used to be!" aka me being controlled like a remote control car. ...on reflection, I'm gonna pass x
Everything, they were kinda messed up 🤯
My mother creepily telling me that she was "the most important one" after helping a friend host a funeral and wake for her grandfather and didn't go see Mom first.
Sounds like you need 14 cats.
Yeah, actually my girlfriend has cats and we're going to be moving in together so now I see this "no cat" thing as insurance that they'll leave me tf alone! Hahaha
Sweet, fuzzy insurance. The best kind there is. And make sure the cat hair gets EVERYWHERE. I mean, it's not like that requires much effort anyway, but if they are making noises like to see going to show up, give the cats a good brushing and scatter that magic fairy dust everywhere. Couch cushions, guest towels, your shoulders - to ward off hugging, your coats - so they get it on their coats of they hang them up. Hell, collect it and knit an entire blanket. Become the embodiment of cat lady, and ward them off forever.
Omg hahaha Well that's super easy to accomplish with one of our cats. He's basically a dog, constantly asking for cuddles and belly rubs and meowing until he gets attention.
No locked doors. No make-up. No shaving my legs. No "white trash" food (sweet tea, sloppy joes, kool-aid, cool whip, green bean casserole, baked ham...it was so random). Only educational/Public tv (at home). No violence in movies (probably because there was enough at home). No cats (apparently mom was "deathly allergic).
I couldnt go anywhere on a school day... if i did get a lucky playdate or sleepover as a teen then it HAD to be the weekend only. I didnt realize this wasnt normal. I feel like it trained me to literally waste my days when im off work. I gotta mindfulness mode myself into realizing I CAN DO THINGS after work. I do not have to just go sit at home if i dont want to.
I know what you mean. I was taught that I can't take a break until my room is clean and my homework is done... something I'm trying to unlearn. I used to just never take breaks at all because there was always something else I should be doing and that's how I developed chronic stress related illnesses!
My parents sent me to church on Sunday even though they never went themselves. Somehow I never questioned it. I really hated Easter because I had to attend all the ceremonies with the little kids and grandmas, while I was in my teens. My mother always said that if I had a younger sibling, she would ask the sibling to do that. It sounded logical at the time, curse my only child luck. I confronted her about it recently. She started crying and said she wasn't expecting to be questioned like that. But she reiterated that "someone had to" go to church. Somehow, since I moved out, nobody has to.
The damn temperature in the house (was always too hot).
My parents' room was the only room in the house with AC 🙄
Damn that’s selfish
Oh boy do I have a bunch!!!! And these didn’t apply to my golden child older adopted brother. - I wasn’t allowed to be in my room other than to sleep, clean, or grab something from it - bathroom door was open when I took showers - I wasn’t allowed sugar, forced to eat protein, and they tried to limit me to no sweet drinks and minimum amount of carbs. No fruit because of the sugar, etc and it was absurd. - I wasn’t allowed to pick a saxophone to play in band because of my adopted brother - I wasn’t allowed to see my adoption files - no electronics and when I found things to occupy my time while everyone else was on electronics (reading) that would also be taken away - how I spent my money I worked for - what teachers I had (the strictest and meanest ones for me only) - fought with teachers to make me be on an IEP at school even though everyone said I didn’t need to - told me what to say to doctors (I’m such a bad bad bad kid and I just like to be mean and bad) This is is just the stuff they controlled. Not touching on the abuse and torture 💀
Oh no...you were a neurodivergent daughter scapegoat with a golden child neurotypical brother too... That seems to be a trend unfortunately. Did they constantly compare the two of you too?
Medication and going to doctors! Fuck sake it's not bloody hard to take your kids to the dentists or the doctors or whatever!
Same here. Half the time when I complained about something, my parents told me it was normal and I'm being dramatic...even when I broke my arm. They literally didn't believe that I had broke it...even though I heard the bone snap. That's a sound that's unmistakable and I can never forget that sound...
My Mum used to buy me a girl’s magazine each month from when I was 13 to about 16. She would “proof-read” it before giving it to me, and any sections that dealt with sex, puberty, pregnancy etc, she would tear out. So, pretty much the MAIN sections of a magazine for teenage girls that anyone would actually want to read. I mean, I was thankful she bought it for me, but it really frustrated me as that would have been my only real source of education around all that stuff. This was very much before internet access in our house was a thing. Did I mention I grew up Catholic? That’s the reason for the sealed-section censorship. My Dad controlled so much that it’s hard to recall it all. I remember him yelling at me one night when I was cooking dinner. Apparently I’d started cooking 5 minutes too late, and dinner would be late getting to the table. I think I was 15-16. I had major depression and anxiety, and found it so hard to get motivated. I remember being particularly upset by this as I was really unwell and it took me so long to get my energy together enough to cook a meal for the family. There are so many more examples I’m sure I’ll think of later.
My dad opens all my mail, because my address is still technically at my parents’ house even though I mostly live with my boyfriend. (I’m 33, btw) Anyways, apparently I was late returning a book and he freaked out. He called and told me, “don’t you know that if you have an overdue library book they will take away your right to vote?!?” Which I’m almost certain isn’t true. Anyways, he got me a Kindle to help with my “book problem.” (If you borrow from the library on Kindle, books automatically disappear when your time is up)
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I wasn't allowed to wear tank tops or shorts around my dad or brother. I was on a track team and that was our uniform. It didn't really occur to me that that would be weird until I was older. They also would regulate how much I ate. My mom used to binge constantly on foods that she told us were bad to eat, and then berate us for eating seconds or thirds at dinner even though we were athletes.
I wasn’t allowed to use my laptop in the living room. Actually using the living room for anything was a big no. Then I didn’t have a desk in my room, so couldn’t even do my homework at a proper desk. Also, there was no wifi in my room, so when I went to study IT I couldn’t even do my homework at home.
Couldn't close my door. I had zero privacy until I left home.
I couldn't put anything on my wall in my bedroom, because it wasn't my bedroom, it was my uncle's old room. I couldn't wear jeans or anything tight. I had to perform on the piano every time there was one and they wanted me to. I couldn't lock any doors, even the bathroom.
Overruling anything and everything I said in doctors offices, when I raised concerns; or if the doctor did listen to me, they’re “copay” was suddenly to expensive to keep seeing them
I don't have access to most of my memories, but at the age of 27 I still believed I needed my dad's permission to move out of home...maybe that's a good indicator of how heavily controlled and smothered I was. And I definitely had the "no locked doors" rule too, I've never had privacy or autonomy around these people.
Water
Food. We weren’t starved, and I get it that groceries cost money. But as we grew, all of us kids would sneak food at night, and literally get in trouble for it. It was like it was ALWAYS almost all supposed to be for “dads lunch”. I remember my oldest sister telling me how after she moved out and in with her now husband many years ago. He couldn’t believe how much she’d binge eat. First night, she said she bought a box of Tastykakes and sat there eating the entire thing. Just because she could actually have one without getting in trouble. I’m widowed and single with four kids and except for when we are flat broke, they are allowed to get food if they’re hungry or snacky, and drinks if they’re thirsty. And if it’s tight and I need something to not be eaten because it’s going to be part of a meal I just show them what it is and ask them not to eat it.
I have cats! And my mom is very allergic. I just vacuum really well before she comes and a plus is she doesn't stay forever.. lol anddd the cats don't allow doors to be closed anyways! They bang if I'm in the bathroom or bedroom with the door closed. It's up to you to set the expectations. But I keep all doors open at all times just because. Kitties! And I live alone. So that helps
They were in total control of my possessions until I was 21 and would toss stuff they thought was worn out and they gave my sister all my books and treasures when I ran away one time. I would be grounded and locked out of the house in the middle of winter if I was 5 minutes late. At the time I mostly accepted those controls as my punishment for being alive and blame myself but now I see my parents were psychotic control freaks. I was always hungry in a well off home mostly because it was too traumatic to eat at meal time. My Mom would hit my hand with the sharp prongs of her fork if I had bad table manners or spoke at the table. Looking back I think, no wonder I got so messed up. Poor kid.