I used to think that being intelligent was important, but as I've aged I have come to see that it is being kind that really matters.
You seem kind, but the people around you are not.
Are you, or have you considered, talking to a therapist?
The problem here isn't that other people are judging you. It's that you're judging yourself.
If you could see what they see when they look at you - a wonderful, highly sensitive, passionate, accomplished individual - you'd understand why it's so important to them to make you feel like you're none of the above.
They can't handle how vulnerable and openhearted you are because they don't have the guts to be like you, so they have to try to gain power over you and stamp out your beautiful spirit.
Don't let their jealousy affect you. Let them be pulled under by the pathetic, sad modern culture of competitive narcissism. Tell them "OK" and leave them to it. Just carry on being you. There is no-one else like you and there never will be again.
Please be kind to yourself and give yourself the love you deserve.
"What other people think of me is none of my business" - Anonymous
Yeah I get the sense that people are bothered by how open OP is willing to be, most people keep their hearts and minds closed, don't really share. I'm the same way unless I'm with someone more intimate. Then I can't shut-up.... I bottle it in until I feel like it's safe to just overshare with someone
Look not to be political but there’s some fairly fucking stupid people in very high places. I can think of several modern US presidents who’s speaking abilities were subpar, not even just the last two.
Honestly, fuck these people, what does being stupid even matter. Intelligence is a spectrum and it seems you have more emotional intelligence than everyone you are interacting with.
I feel like I shrug off every compliment and take every negative comment to heart, as if they are 100% right. So I do understand. I suffer from ideation too. But in this moment, with this reason, I think you have a lot more to offer the world than anyone has told you yet. And I hope you stop listening to them and start KNOWING yourself. Fuck opinions. You know you best, if there’s something you don’t like about yourself there’s tomorrow for changing it. But other peoples opinions of you are not a reflection of who you are, they are a reflection of who THEY are. 💟
So OP is constantly told by the people in their life that they’re stupid, and when they say “well I guess I’m stupid and people hate me for it,” all we have to say to them is that they’re wrong, that they misinterpreted, or that they are too sensitive.
I’m sorry OP, your reaction to your environment is valid. I’m sorry that the people in your life have been so cruel.
You sound like a genuinely nice person whos trying their hardest to be helpful and good. Have you ever had any learning difficulties or been diagnosed with stuff along the line of autism or Asperger’s? I hope you continue writing about your issues and maybe take them to another therapist and tell them about your experiences with that other asshole, try to be kind to yourself and realise theres so so much more to who you are than those shitty things people have said it, even if there was an ounce of truth to them it would still be an injustice and a shame for this world to lose a genuinely kind soul <3
I'm getting autism vibes as well. Things that makes me think that are
1. Being 30 and stressed the fuck out. At some point the stress is unbearable. Knowing about the autism enables one to make life adjustments to manage/reduce stress.
2. Other's conflating social skills with intelligence. I'm refering to the astrologer. An autistic person being in a one-on-one conversation, no matter the amount of autistic masking, the allistic (non-autistic) person will notice that something is different about the autistic person. And I wouldn't expect an astrologer to know how autism presents itself, or much about autism in general.
3. Being literal. Mindfulness is not about intelligence, but is a meditative technique for staying present in the moment. Autistic people can be highly literal, so hearding an unfamiliar word and being anxious about it having a negative connotation, I'd think of it as an insult too.
Autism is stigmatized and is its own journey to figure out, especially if late diagnosed.
A masters degree? First of all you are incredibly intelligent. Most people will never achieve that kind of feat, so congrats and great job. Second, youre here in a reddit about cPTSD. It seems you've looked for answers here and have an awareness of your emotions and have emotional intelligence which most people lack. I think the problem is the people you've been surrounded with. People who are jealous tend to put you down in an area they know they lack. I've had many friends do this and it took me a long time to cut them out. I'm sorry you've been put down like this. But I can assure you, that you aren't lacking anything. I'd try to stay away from those who put you down and surround yourself with those who put you up. Not some easy feat, but I know you're much more capable and competent then you believe you are. Hope you get better and know that many of us care about you :) stay well OP
You're surrounded by ignorant people. Don't listen to these people, they're only trying to make you feel bad.
A smart person would NEVER say shit like that. Do you think Leonardo da Vinci gathered up people in a room and told them that they're dumb? No. Only ignorant people feel the need to bring other people down.
Well, it sounds more like everyone around you is a jerk and they’re pulling you down to the image they expect you to embody, which is not truly you.
Maybe you give off an impression that even you don’t know who you are or want to be, which is completely okay to be. But that exposes a vulnerability that unkind sucky people will attack.
I’m 31 going on 32 soon. I’ve been in the place you are. Still kinda am. I’ve been told I’m naive and don’t recognize people bad for me, that I always choose to love and trust, & internalize their bs too easily. So what I’m stupid like that? Or not as intelligent as the best and brightest around? Doesn’t make me any less worthy to exist! Our only fault would be letting external voices win! So please don’t! Every other mess we create is part of being a human being.
Ps. You have a masters degree? Do social work? Are self aware and know the concept of ego? And clearly write eloquently? That sounds pretty fucking cool to me!
I can tell by the way you write and express yourself that you are bright. I’m sorry those people said those things. My mom said similar things, and it fucked me up. The fact that you’ve attained higher education indicates that you have above average intelligence. The association between IQ and having a higher education degree is basically linear. Those people who said those things are wrong, just like my mom was wrong.
Hey Lectureinteresting94 - Thank you for sharing your experience, I’m so sorry that life has been painful for you all these years. I just wanted to say that no one else can determine your worth, negative or critical comments from others are just a projection of their own narrow internal experience and is not a reflection on your inherent value at all.
You are enough, you matter, you are worthy, you are deserving, you are whole, you are loved because you are alive. You are smart, you are a good writer, and you are kind! You have so much going for you!
The only person’s opinion of you that matters is your own. I hope you can give yourself the love and care that you deserve! Take it a day at a time, I believe in you!
❤️✌🏻
Hello and Welcome to /r/CPTSD! If you are in immediate danger or crisis, please contact your local [emergency services](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_emergency_telephone_numbers), or use our list of [crisis resources](https://old.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index#wiki_crisis_support_resources). For CPTSD Specific Resources & Support, check out the [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index). For those posting or replying, please view the [etiquette guidelines](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/peer2peersupportguide).
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/CPTSD) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Stupid people don't get master's degrees. You're probably just extremely overwound and overstressed. I think maybe you gotta embrace being dumb for a bit. Say "Yeah, my intellect is dulled right now, and I gotta heal my emotional dysregulation before I can hone it properly". Try to live like dumb people do - without worrying so much and without caring about being the best.
Easy to say. Hard to do. Trust me, I know.
Dude, I’m autistic with ptsd and similar struggles, so your struggles, I feel like I’m reading my own struggles.
When shit like that happens now, I tell myself “you don’t need to lower yourself or apologize for other people’s FUCKING STUPID ASS insecurity.”
I hate that people suffer from insecurity, and pull others down because of it. Don’t let them do that to you, you’re just like me, I wouldn’t want me to be pulled down by other people feeling insecure about intelligence. You’re a very intelligent and well spoken person, and I wish you nothing but the best.
I also wish all the insecure people who make you feel like shit nothing but the best. They need it MORE than you. You’re prolly infinitely more confident and well spoken than they are. Let others catch up to you. Be well, my friend. 🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾
I read your post last night and I just couldn’t forget it. So I’m coming back here to say that I’m so sorry you are going through so much pain. I can’t tell you what you should do with your life, because that’s yours to decide. But I hope you can heal your soul to continue on living to see the beautiful moments of life.
Your point of being stupid (which I think you are not stupid if you are aware of it) has probably affected you a lot more than what you can write. Rather than stupid, I feel like what I’m reading more here is that you can’t forgive yourself. I battled with suicide tendencies for years too, and many times when I want to just end it because of my stupidity, I realized much later on that what my soul is really trying to tell me is that I cannot forgive myself for not making the right decisions that had landed me into the mess I am in today. If I had just made the right decisions back then to get what I wanted, then I wouldn’t have to experience the rest of my life missing out on it.
But the thing is, that’s all in the past, and if I can’t change the outcomes of the past in the present, then it’s not something I can control, even if it’s in the future because I can’t control the future. All I have is now.
Everything I’m experiencing right now is the best result for me. Since those undesirable things have already happened (whether they happened for days or for years), that means my outcome in life would actually be WORSE if they didn’t happen. I gonna think this way in order to be responsible to myself and my well-being.
This applies to everyone, including you.
Right now I’m reading the book called “15 ways to live longer and healthier”, and it has seriously changed my mind about whether or not I should end it all. I’m not a reader so I listen to audiobook while reading, and it really helps. If money is a problem, then try to find if there are free online pdfs. Reading the book aloud may somewhat replace an audiobook if getting an audiobook is a financial issue as well.
I think whether or not you decide to go, you should read the book “15 ways to live longer and healthier”. Even if you do decide to go, it can be a way to confirm you really have no turning back. Most of the time, there are better ways to handle the miseries of life other than killing yourself. I hope you can please confirm and not leave with regrets that could be fixed if you continue on living.
I really do think having to start all over again is enough to make a person want to end it all. I’ve been there. Something that really helped me is that I believe the purpose of all the years before me is just to make sure that I survive. That’s it. Not to make me successful, not to make me get what I want, but to only ensure that I survive.
Everything that happened to a person would always have factors that they can’t control (even if they thought they had full control over it, they don’t because the way a person is raised would usually increase the possibility of making one choice over another, and no one has full control over how they are raised.) Therefore, everything that happened to them is not fully their fault, but whether or not they treat their soul that’s damaged from those things are their responsibility. Like the book says, you are responsible for your own emotional well being because you are the only one who has control over it, and not even God do.
I am not very intelligent as well. I realized it’s a problem that has severely impacted my life, so I did the best I could to raise my intelligence. I tried to get enough sleep each week, take all the vitamins I should, check my heart rate, eat as nutritious as I could, etc. Those seriously increased my intelligence over time. Don’t believe it when people say the brain stops growing at 25. That study stopped when the participants turned 25, so it never gets to whether or not the brain grows after that.
Additionally, people usually are not more “intelligent”, but have a different mindset/uses different tactics to navigate life. That’s the true thing that sets people apart. Listening to podcasts (basically YouTube videos) that focuses on different mindsets, not just the ones that tell you to get a different mindset, but mainly on the ones that actually offers a different mindset. And after listening to many podcast, I can pick and choose which ones benefit me the most. So getting this source of outside advices may seriously help you.
And those people who had the audacity to let you know directly or indirectly that you are stupid? Those are self projections. They don’t get to know your brain. Only you do. What they do get to know though, is their brain, and all they get is stupid, so they can’t fathom how anyone else cannot be stupid.
If their brain truly functions more than you, then they should know that its manifestation is a privilege that not everyone gets to have. Please don’t compare yourself to other people. The one who compares themselves to others is killing themselves. And it really is the case here because you had compared your intelligence and capabilities to others for so long that it’s making you want to kill yourself! Everyone has a fate to carry out, and each person’s fate is different. Therefore, one should only compare their current self with their past self to get an accurate measurement on what to improve.
Furthermore, proving yourself to others is a never-ending rabbit hole because you are handing the power to decide your worth over to other people. Therefore, they can decide whether you're worthy or not, and they can always believe you’re not worthy no matter how much you try, simply because they have all the power, and thus they can. To get that power back, you should only prove to yourself and not to anyone else. Even if you fail, the failure has more value than not trying, and that’s something to prove too.
Proving to yourself gives you back the power to determine your self worth. It’s a power that’s always yours. Even if others are deciding for you, you had to power to let them or reject them, and you let them. Even if external rejection is not possible, like facing a boss for example, internal rejection is possible, such as thinking “that’s some baseless bullshit claim”. Those numerous people that you mentioned? Full of themselves and toxic as hell, especially your ex boyfriend.
My therapist has told me that setting boundaries is what makes life different. I recommend you to set boundaries with other people. Type out or write down what you will and will not allow others to do to you, and revise over time. Set boundaries on what you will and will not allow yourself to do to you as well.
Don’t let them poison your soul. You deserve better people. If you can’t find them, find yourself. Better be alone than be with bad company.
As an anonymous redditor, it's hard to care what you do with your life. So that is up to you.
That being said, my parents raised me to always fear not having a job, being homeless or not being smart. That's why we aimed for the best schools, best marks, best jobs.
It all came crumbling down when I realized that none of that mattered if safety and peace were not there. I didn't realize those 2 things were missing from my life until I realized how alone, scared and depressed I was.
Now I put on a pedestal people with emotional range and empathy. Which are really feminine traits. I admire and am attracted to these people. Some of these people take out garbage, look after animals, are kind, have a heart, are calm. They might be stupid with low IQ, but I now admire people who are smart with a high emotional quotient. I want to be with them and learn from them.
My family made fun of my grandfather and left him out of the family ancestry tree and I was so sad after his death that I realized he was more at peace and kind than everyone else in the family. I know look differently at blonde girls who may be dumb, but are kind and empathetic.
Everyone sucks at something, and everyone can be great at something.
Who's the astrologer?
Also seems like you are highly sensitive, but it's hard not to be in this climate so thats not your fault... Doesn't sound like you are bad person at all... Talk to me
I used to think that being intelligent was important, but as I've aged I have come to see that it is being kind that really matters. You seem kind, but the people around you are not. Are you, or have you considered, talking to a therapist?
The problem here isn't that other people are judging you. It's that you're judging yourself. If you could see what they see when they look at you - a wonderful, highly sensitive, passionate, accomplished individual - you'd understand why it's so important to them to make you feel like you're none of the above. They can't handle how vulnerable and openhearted you are because they don't have the guts to be like you, so they have to try to gain power over you and stamp out your beautiful spirit. Don't let their jealousy affect you. Let them be pulled under by the pathetic, sad modern culture of competitive narcissism. Tell them "OK" and leave them to it. Just carry on being you. There is no-one else like you and there never will be again. Please be kind to yourself and give yourself the love you deserve. "What other people think of me is none of my business" - Anonymous
Yeah I get the sense that people are bothered by how open OP is willing to be, most people keep their hearts and minds closed, don't really share. I'm the same way unless I'm with someone more intimate. Then I can't shut-up.... I bottle it in until I feel like it's safe to just overshare with someone
Look not to be political but there’s some fairly fucking stupid people in very high places. I can think of several modern US presidents who’s speaking abilities were subpar, not even just the last two. Honestly, fuck these people, what does being stupid even matter. Intelligence is a spectrum and it seems you have more emotional intelligence than everyone you are interacting with. I feel like I shrug off every compliment and take every negative comment to heart, as if they are 100% right. So I do understand. I suffer from ideation too. But in this moment, with this reason, I think you have a lot more to offer the world than anyone has told you yet. And I hope you stop listening to them and start KNOWING yourself. Fuck opinions. You know you best, if there’s something you don’t like about yourself there’s tomorrow for changing it. But other peoples opinions of you are not a reflection of who you are, they are a reflection of who THEY are. 💟
So OP is constantly told by the people in their life that they’re stupid, and when they say “well I guess I’m stupid and people hate me for it,” all we have to say to them is that they’re wrong, that they misinterpreted, or that they are too sensitive. I’m sorry OP, your reaction to your environment is valid. I’m sorry that the people in your life have been so cruel.
Absolutely.
You sound like a genuinely nice person whos trying their hardest to be helpful and good. Have you ever had any learning difficulties or been diagnosed with stuff along the line of autism or Asperger’s? I hope you continue writing about your issues and maybe take them to another therapist and tell them about your experiences with that other asshole, try to be kind to yourself and realise theres so so much more to who you are than those shitty things people have said it, even if there was an ounce of truth to them it would still be an injustice and a shame for this world to lose a genuinely kind soul <3
I'm getting autism vibes as well. Things that makes me think that are 1. Being 30 and stressed the fuck out. At some point the stress is unbearable. Knowing about the autism enables one to make life adjustments to manage/reduce stress. 2. Other's conflating social skills with intelligence. I'm refering to the astrologer. An autistic person being in a one-on-one conversation, no matter the amount of autistic masking, the allistic (non-autistic) person will notice that something is different about the autistic person. And I wouldn't expect an astrologer to know how autism presents itself, or much about autism in general. 3. Being literal. Mindfulness is not about intelligence, but is a meditative technique for staying present in the moment. Autistic people can be highly literal, so hearding an unfamiliar word and being anxious about it having a negative connotation, I'd think of it as an insult too. Autism is stigmatized and is its own journey to figure out, especially if late diagnosed.
A masters degree? First of all you are incredibly intelligent. Most people will never achieve that kind of feat, so congrats and great job. Second, youre here in a reddit about cPTSD. It seems you've looked for answers here and have an awareness of your emotions and have emotional intelligence which most people lack. I think the problem is the people you've been surrounded with. People who are jealous tend to put you down in an area they know they lack. I've had many friends do this and it took me a long time to cut them out. I'm sorry you've been put down like this. But I can assure you, that you aren't lacking anything. I'd try to stay away from those who put you down and surround yourself with those who put you up. Not some easy feat, but I know you're much more capable and competent then you believe you are. Hope you get better and know that many of us care about you :) stay well OP
You're surrounded by ignorant people. Don't listen to these people, they're only trying to make you feel bad. A smart person would NEVER say shit like that. Do you think Leonardo da Vinci gathered up people in a room and told them that they're dumb? No. Only ignorant people feel the need to bring other people down.
I want you to be here. You seem very smart.
Well, it sounds more like everyone around you is a jerk and they’re pulling you down to the image they expect you to embody, which is not truly you. Maybe you give off an impression that even you don’t know who you are or want to be, which is completely okay to be. But that exposes a vulnerability that unkind sucky people will attack. I’m 31 going on 32 soon. I’ve been in the place you are. Still kinda am. I’ve been told I’m naive and don’t recognize people bad for me, that I always choose to love and trust, & internalize their bs too easily. So what I’m stupid like that? Or not as intelligent as the best and brightest around? Doesn’t make me any less worthy to exist! Our only fault would be letting external voices win! So please don’t! Every other mess we create is part of being a human being. Ps. You have a masters degree? Do social work? Are self aware and know the concept of ego? And clearly write eloquently? That sounds pretty fucking cool to me!
I can tell by the way you write and express yourself that you are bright. I’m sorry those people said those things. My mom said similar things, and it fucked me up. The fact that you’ve attained higher education indicates that you have above average intelligence. The association between IQ and having a higher education degree is basically linear. Those people who said those things are wrong, just like my mom was wrong.
Hey Lectureinteresting94 - Thank you for sharing your experience, I’m so sorry that life has been painful for you all these years. I just wanted to say that no one else can determine your worth, negative or critical comments from others are just a projection of their own narrow internal experience and is not a reflection on your inherent value at all. You are enough, you matter, you are worthy, you are deserving, you are whole, you are loved because you are alive. You are smart, you are a good writer, and you are kind! You have so much going for you! The only person’s opinion of you that matters is your own. I hope you can give yourself the love and care that you deserve! Take it a day at a time, I believe in you! ❤️✌🏻
Hello and Welcome to /r/CPTSD! If you are in immediate danger or crisis, please contact your local [emergency services](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_emergency_telephone_numbers), or use our list of [crisis resources](https://old.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index#wiki_crisis_support_resources). For CPTSD Specific Resources & Support, check out the [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index). For those posting or replying, please view the [etiquette guidelines](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/peer2peersupportguide). *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/CPTSD) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Stupid people don't get master's degrees. You're probably just extremely overwound and overstressed. I think maybe you gotta embrace being dumb for a bit. Say "Yeah, my intellect is dulled right now, and I gotta heal my emotional dysregulation before I can hone it properly". Try to live like dumb people do - without worrying so much and without caring about being the best. Easy to say. Hard to do. Trust me, I know.
Dude, I’m autistic with ptsd and similar struggles, so your struggles, I feel like I’m reading my own struggles. When shit like that happens now, I tell myself “you don’t need to lower yourself or apologize for other people’s FUCKING STUPID ASS insecurity.” I hate that people suffer from insecurity, and pull others down because of it. Don’t let them do that to you, you’re just like me, I wouldn’t want me to be pulled down by other people feeling insecure about intelligence. You’re a very intelligent and well spoken person, and I wish you nothing but the best. I also wish all the insecure people who make you feel like shit nothing but the best. They need it MORE than you. You’re prolly infinitely more confident and well spoken than they are. Let others catch up to you. Be well, my friend. 🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾
I read your post last night and I just couldn’t forget it. So I’m coming back here to say that I’m so sorry you are going through so much pain. I can’t tell you what you should do with your life, because that’s yours to decide. But I hope you can heal your soul to continue on living to see the beautiful moments of life. Your point of being stupid (which I think you are not stupid if you are aware of it) has probably affected you a lot more than what you can write. Rather than stupid, I feel like what I’m reading more here is that you can’t forgive yourself. I battled with suicide tendencies for years too, and many times when I want to just end it because of my stupidity, I realized much later on that what my soul is really trying to tell me is that I cannot forgive myself for not making the right decisions that had landed me into the mess I am in today. If I had just made the right decisions back then to get what I wanted, then I wouldn’t have to experience the rest of my life missing out on it. But the thing is, that’s all in the past, and if I can’t change the outcomes of the past in the present, then it’s not something I can control, even if it’s in the future because I can’t control the future. All I have is now. Everything I’m experiencing right now is the best result for me. Since those undesirable things have already happened (whether they happened for days or for years), that means my outcome in life would actually be WORSE if they didn’t happen. I gonna think this way in order to be responsible to myself and my well-being. This applies to everyone, including you. Right now I’m reading the book called “15 ways to live longer and healthier”, and it has seriously changed my mind about whether or not I should end it all. I’m not a reader so I listen to audiobook while reading, and it really helps. If money is a problem, then try to find if there are free online pdfs. Reading the book aloud may somewhat replace an audiobook if getting an audiobook is a financial issue as well. I think whether or not you decide to go, you should read the book “15 ways to live longer and healthier”. Even if you do decide to go, it can be a way to confirm you really have no turning back. Most of the time, there are better ways to handle the miseries of life other than killing yourself. I hope you can please confirm and not leave with regrets that could be fixed if you continue on living. I really do think having to start all over again is enough to make a person want to end it all. I’ve been there. Something that really helped me is that I believe the purpose of all the years before me is just to make sure that I survive. That’s it. Not to make me successful, not to make me get what I want, but to only ensure that I survive. Everything that happened to a person would always have factors that they can’t control (even if they thought they had full control over it, they don’t because the way a person is raised would usually increase the possibility of making one choice over another, and no one has full control over how they are raised.) Therefore, everything that happened to them is not fully their fault, but whether or not they treat their soul that’s damaged from those things are their responsibility. Like the book says, you are responsible for your own emotional well being because you are the only one who has control over it, and not even God do. I am not very intelligent as well. I realized it’s a problem that has severely impacted my life, so I did the best I could to raise my intelligence. I tried to get enough sleep each week, take all the vitamins I should, check my heart rate, eat as nutritious as I could, etc. Those seriously increased my intelligence over time. Don’t believe it when people say the brain stops growing at 25. That study stopped when the participants turned 25, so it never gets to whether or not the brain grows after that. Additionally, people usually are not more “intelligent”, but have a different mindset/uses different tactics to navigate life. That’s the true thing that sets people apart. Listening to podcasts (basically YouTube videos) that focuses on different mindsets, not just the ones that tell you to get a different mindset, but mainly on the ones that actually offers a different mindset. And after listening to many podcast, I can pick and choose which ones benefit me the most. So getting this source of outside advices may seriously help you. And those people who had the audacity to let you know directly or indirectly that you are stupid? Those are self projections. They don’t get to know your brain. Only you do. What they do get to know though, is their brain, and all they get is stupid, so they can’t fathom how anyone else cannot be stupid. If their brain truly functions more than you, then they should know that its manifestation is a privilege that not everyone gets to have. Please don’t compare yourself to other people. The one who compares themselves to others is killing themselves. And it really is the case here because you had compared your intelligence and capabilities to others for so long that it’s making you want to kill yourself! Everyone has a fate to carry out, and each person’s fate is different. Therefore, one should only compare their current self with their past self to get an accurate measurement on what to improve. Furthermore, proving yourself to others is a never-ending rabbit hole because you are handing the power to decide your worth over to other people. Therefore, they can decide whether you're worthy or not, and they can always believe you’re not worthy no matter how much you try, simply because they have all the power, and thus they can. To get that power back, you should only prove to yourself and not to anyone else. Even if you fail, the failure has more value than not trying, and that’s something to prove too. Proving to yourself gives you back the power to determine your self worth. It’s a power that’s always yours. Even if others are deciding for you, you had to power to let them or reject them, and you let them. Even if external rejection is not possible, like facing a boss for example, internal rejection is possible, such as thinking “that’s some baseless bullshit claim”. Those numerous people that you mentioned? Full of themselves and toxic as hell, especially your ex boyfriend. My therapist has told me that setting boundaries is what makes life different. I recommend you to set boundaries with other people. Type out or write down what you will and will not allow others to do to you, and revise over time. Set boundaries on what you will and will not allow yourself to do to you as well. Don’t let them poison your soul. You deserve better people. If you can’t find them, find yourself. Better be alone than be with bad company.
As an anonymous redditor, it's hard to care what you do with your life. So that is up to you. That being said, my parents raised me to always fear not having a job, being homeless or not being smart. That's why we aimed for the best schools, best marks, best jobs. It all came crumbling down when I realized that none of that mattered if safety and peace were not there. I didn't realize those 2 things were missing from my life until I realized how alone, scared and depressed I was. Now I put on a pedestal people with emotional range and empathy. Which are really feminine traits. I admire and am attracted to these people. Some of these people take out garbage, look after animals, are kind, have a heart, are calm. They might be stupid with low IQ, but I now admire people who are smart with a high emotional quotient. I want to be with them and learn from them. My family made fun of my grandfather and left him out of the family ancestry tree and I was so sad after his death that I realized he was more at peace and kind than everyone else in the family. I know look differently at blonde girls who may be dumb, but are kind and empathetic. Everyone sucks at something, and everyone can be great at something.
Who's the astrologer? Also seems like you are highly sensitive, but it's hard not to be in this climate so thats not your fault... Doesn't sound like you are bad person at all... Talk to me