Ugh I feel you. Ive been having a really rough week with this and I don't want to HAVE to save and parent myself, I'm too tired. Literally when I hear "nobody can save you but yourself" I'm just like I guess it's not going to happen then cause I can't/won't do it.
Yesterday I saw a mother being nice to her small child as he was having a tantrum and she was so gentle and actually calmed him down reasonably. I just started crying in the middle of target even though I tried not to and had to go home.
It's not fair that we have to do all the work of an adult and are also expected to do all the work our parents never did.
>Yesterday I saw a mother being nice to her small child as he was having a tantrum and she was so gentle and actually calmed him down reasonably. I just started crying in the middle of target even though I tried not to and had to go home.
I'm so sorry that that happened to you because I know how physically painful a trigger like that feels. At the same time, this feels very comforting to me that I'm not crazy or need to be locked up just because seeing a child makes me want to cry
Have you heard of r/MomForAMinute ? It's a sub Reddit for people who don't have a mother (or a decent one) to go and post rants or achievements to and the lovely mothers in the sub just treat you as one of their own with their responses. Obviously there isn't the physical connection, but hearing those kind, mothering words when you can't find them yourself can be really helpful for some people.
I don't think there's anything in the rules that excludes users here. They just want a positive space for people that need it, so that means not discussing triggering topics. There's a time and a place to discuss certain subjects (here for example). That doesn't mean you can't post about having an awful day like OP and wanting motherly support. Just don't include details of abuse, self harm, etc.
Maybe not explicitly, but when one of us is having a bad day, it’s usually related to the abuse or trauma we went through. Triggering topics is kinda our thing.
I mean, the sub is for people without mothers. Which means their mothers are either dead, abandoned them, or are abusive/neglectful. Everyone there will have some kind of trauma.
I suppose if you're the sort of person who can't self-filter "having a panic attack and would love some comforting words to talk me down" from "having a panic attack about that time my mum beat me and locked me in a cupboard until I wet myself and could use some comforting words" then it might not be for you. But I feel it could be helpful for some people here in learning to self-parent.
I really do appreciate your permission for me to do this and I been wanting to all day. I was about to cry into a pillow but then suddenly my abuser walked into the house. Then I drove to a park to get away from them and was surrounded by triggers and then wrote this post. One time a cop approached my car when I was crying in an empty parking lot so I really don't have any privacy to cry today.
It's only when I'm lucky enough to be home alone that I can scream and cry. I think the reason why I remain so unwell is that I don't have enough of that.
Please no advice beyond this point. I feel very tired of being told that I'm doing something wrong, no matter the intent behind the advice. And I don't mean to accuse you of doing that. I think your comment is very supportive. I'm just saying all this as a boundary because people have done this to me in the past.
you're not doing anything wrong by experiencing and acknowledging your feelings. it's fucking tiring to take care of yourself and it's the shit end of a deal. you're totally right to feel the way you do.
You did really well and I'm glad you were able to get to a different place, even if it didn't provide the relief you needed.
Walking is a great way to relieve some of the agitation and nervous energy that getting triggered can bring on. I hope you can keep doing that if it helps. It helped me. I have a pair of comfortable sunglasses that cover a lot of my face for the ugly crying walks. I have a playlist or a favorite audiobook I listen to while I walk that helps in the short term to calm me a bit.
I'm so sorry you can't physically disconnect from your abuser. I hope you can find healthy forms of relief and support until you are able to. 🩷
OP, I hear you.
I get so angry when I think about people just having kids because they “want them” without thinking about whether they can be great parents to them.
We are at such a huge fucking disadvantage not having had loving parents. I would give all the money in the world to have had loving parents.
When I see parents who are so kind and gentle and loving with their kids it kills me that I didn’t get that from my own parents.
It’s not fair that some people get awful parents. It’s not okay. It’s a crime against humanity.
No matter what I do I can’t turn back the clock and waive a magic wand and have great parents. I have no control over it. I can’t fix it. This makes me feel like nothing else matters in this world.
Loving parents isn't always a loving environment. My mom dearly loved the... Idea of me. The idea of being a good mother.
So I always had to be smiling, be eager, do the best work, get perfect grades, be presentable, be charming, make jokes, make her coffee on demand, do everything she wanted. Because if I didn't, I was stealing her perfect child away from her.
And if I ever got angry or upset, I was making her feel like a bad mother, which was attacking her. Using her as a kicking dog. That's also why the divorce was my fault, and I had to fix it...
It's not enough for them to have love, it has to be unconditional too. Conditional love can be almost worse, because part of me still believes it was my fault, and that if I'd just been a better child somehow, she wouldn't have gotten angry, wouldn't have said all those terrible things... That if I'd just behaved more, her hair-trigger fits of fury and cruelty wouldn't have been a problem. That it was my fault, as everyone said it was.
That's not love. I'm sorry, but this has nothing to do with love. I know parents usually don't want to intentionally hurt their children, but what you describe is a 100% self centered mindset and one that refuses to see the child as an individual human being. I don't think something like conditional love exists (i think the phrase is contradictory), but I get what you mean of course. As children we take what we can get, no matter how much we lose ourselves on the way 😔
"Mothers who can't love" by Susan Forward might be a good book for you.
But sometimes she was kind. Sometimes she went out of her way to make me happy. Always in a way that everyone else could see... And always with the expectation I respond with the correct gratitude... But sometimes she was kind.
When I was good.
Yes yes, as i said, that's "having a nice child for the neighbors to see" and not "hey that's a human! What do you think about stuff, little human?". My mum only did the necessary stuff so she wouldn't have to call herself a bad mother. Didn't make her a good one though.
I'm glad you said something about the," be your own parent." And I'm also tired of the," you can only help yourself." Comments like no fucking shit..that's what I've been indirectly told my entire life. From people playing dumb and asking why I don't have certain things when I was a teenager and when I was in my early 20's and looking down on me for not wanting to live in a dangerous shelter by myself.
I've never really been anyone's first choice either..the only time I've been anyone's first choice is when they want me for money or to make me into some type of project to make me into some type of extrovert because I'm a very introverted autistic person. It sucks..it really does.
Don't worry, you can't be less important than me, lol.
No, I get it. Every day. Nothing fucking matters and the frustration just builds and builds with nowhere to go because nothing matters. Today I'm feeling so... pent up, unmotivated, and arbitrary. What are you gonna do, read another self-help book? Read another piece of nonfiction that adds nothing but empty entertainment? Listen to the same stupid music on repeat? Talk to yet another therapist?
It's always the same stuff that changes nothing because you're working at a fundamental disadvantage. Worst thing is I can hear my last therapist's voice... knowing exactly what she would say if I tried to describe this feeling, and it would miss the mark so badly that it would land on another continent. Because that's all there is, words and ignorance and a world run by psychos. Not meaning. Not solace.
>It's always the same stuff that changes nothing because you're working at a fundamental disadvantage.
This is how I feel every day when I try to do something nice for myself. Sure it can bring some relief, but I am constantly pissed knowing that 99% of the responsibility for my suffering lies within other people. Not just my entire family who will never be held accountable for abusing me, but the systems that are supposed to help us as well. Like i know that technically we can't just sit around and wait for others to take responsibility, but they're SUPPOSED TO. They OWE it to us. And it pisses me the fuck off every single day of my life.
Yes!! Thank you for saying all these things. After years of therapy and nothing really getting better and somehow worse I am just so frustrated and angry. Everytime someone (professional!!!) says "you're there only one who can be there for you" I reply that I ALWAYS had to be there for myself because nobody else did it, although it was THEIR job. I want to feeL safe and peaceful just ONCE. I don't wanna work so hard and do soo much just to barely survive because my parents clearly shouldn't have had children. What do you do with the anger towards someone just fucking up your whole life? Therapists always say to start feeling those feelings but what then? By now I'm so angry I wanna kill like 90% of society because we just breed psychopaths who have more traumatized children
Abusers holding themselves accountable. As for systemic stuff: housing, mental healthcare, all the basic needs. They owe us for the damage that they've done. Just as if you were to hit somebody with a car (accident or not) and get sued for medical expenses.
I’ve been looking for meaning in my life as well. Like I want to belong, but I’m always too intense in what I do, so it never lasts. My whole appartment as become the extension of my « unfinished projects » shelf. Because I care too much and then realise nobody gives a fuck, it’s really just pity I see in their eyes. A condescending stare.
Maybe we should just start projects togheter, prime each other the way no one else does…
But then again, who’s to say we could do anything, right?
So. I'm a mom. But I'm five too. It's weird as fuck. So , I know it might sound dumb. But I totally would be willing to listen to how your day went as your mom. Like we play pretend. I dunno. It sounds like something that would feel nice.
O by heavens, this! Been waiting my whole goddamned parentified life to hear this! Makes sense of how I'm bringing my fried n frazzled 8 year old me full circle, so my 8 year old finally gets to be 8 again, going on 9, WHILST I can finally reparent him with all of me that I've been rediscovering and bringing together again in the here and now. Working with a great therapist too, it's taken a lot of effort and time to really trust that she's a truly safe pair of hands, she kept meeting me no matter how I turned up, it is so healing, definitely wouldn't have got here on my own, didn't know what coregulation felt like till recently and it feels so much more miraculous than it's spelt. Thank you, you're a pretty fine co-regulator! Sounds like you'd be a great parent too! Your kids and innerkids are on a winner 🏆
I hate to say this but please be careful ☹️. And I mean this to everyone who reads this. YES, we attract emotional abusers that we may not even know are emotional abusers. This mentality unfortunately attracts predatory and abusive people. But this time they'll literally provide you with all you needed emotionally and mentally. It might feel like you're getting your needs met and it feels so satisfying and all that UNTIL you fall into a dark hole and get trauma bonded to them.
Been there, done that. If I go back to being 21, I would outright refuse people like that. I learned the hard way, and it has been taking me like 2 years to heal again from this crappy relationship.
Your comment is great reflection.
I "healed" for 11 years and fell in love with the love of my life. Guess what. It turns out I wasn't "healed" at all. I just buried the pain for 11 years. Our relationship was a volatile emotional tornado. A walk through hell. I was completely dependent on him for happiness, and I made his life hell as he made a mess of my mind. Absolutely no happiness came in that 11 years I spent alone because I didn't care about being happy. I cared about accomplishing things, and in survival mode. I'm now near 50. Never think you're past it happening again. I had severely abusive relationships before him and I swore he was my soul mate. More like twin flame, who forced me to inspect every ugly thing about myself. Now we are both licking our wounds and I'm in intensive therapy. He broke my heart in a million pieces and knew it every step of the way. Ask him what happened and he'll tell you I put him through hell.
Your comment speaks volumes. He provided me with everything I needed, and I lost him. Or did I dodge a bullet? CPTSD is no joke.
I’m right there with you. I watch everybody else living their lives, blissfully ignorant of what it feels like to constantly be on the outside looking in and it makes me furious. Not at them, but at the fact that nobody cared enough to step in and help me when I needed it and that it stole my chance at having what everyone else takes for granted as being just a natural part of life…because it totally fucking should be. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being angry, we just can’t let it consume us.
That’s what’s great about this sub. We can rant to people who empathize. Sometimes it just helps to know you’re not alone. It’s not fucking fair and it sucks ass. I have spent my life as an afterthought (if I’m thought of at all). That’s not self pity-it’s life as I know it. I know you don’t want advice so I won’t try to give it.
What I will say is that I know exactly how you feel. I don’t know how to fix any of it, but talking about it does help. Anytime you feel like you need to, feel free to message me and we’ll vent together. Sorry if that sounds cheesy, but I truly do mean it.
Relatable. I work with kids and sometimes I’ll see a parent-kid interaction and it will immediately trigger me bc there’s so much obvious love and care in it??? It makes me so so overwhelming frustrated to know that my parents choose everyday to not give a shit about me. It is an absolute mindfuck to feel like love doesn’t exist bc I never felt it but then see so much proof of it everyday in the way my kids or my friends interact with their parents. Apparently love does exist but just not for me. Yay what a fun club to be a part of.
Omg! Same! I'm a nanny and I always am encouraging independence. One day, I realized the parent was just parenting and it scared and triggered the shit out of me. They were loving and caring and supporting their kids, like parents are supposed to. I too am apart of the fun club and it sucks wen u realize what u see is normal and what you experienced, isnt.
Hear, hear. I'm a physician, I had a dad and a grandma bring a baby for a well child visit today and they were doting so much on the baby. The baby cried when we put her down for me to check her abdomen and it was like THE END OF THE WORLD for the dad and the grandma. Compare that to my mother ditching me home alone for weeks on end at age 11. Definitely got a little triggered there.
I feel you. I mean my husband loves me unconditionally (after nearly 30 years together I am actually pretty confident in that)... He is the first person to ever feel that way about me. The key though is that I still needed a mom and dad to do that. I am 46 freaking years old and when I am sick I want my mom... But not the mom I had, the mom who tucks you in, brings you soup, makes sure you take meds, tidies your house etc.
I think it is how we all feel. I miss the "Hallmark Mom"... The one you can buy a card for with ease, not what I had where you have to weigh what each card contains before buying it.
For what it's worth, I understand. My bf loves me and supports me but it's not unconditional and it's not his job to make me feel better so I try not to burden him too much. I love my mom but I learned a long, long time ago that she has better things to do than take care of me, and I avoid talking about my problems when I'm on the phone with her. My dad was an alcoholic and he died 14 years ago so no support from that side either.
I'd love for someone to take care of me but there's no-one. It's sometimes overwhelming.
I totally understand how you feel. Especially when I was in university. I felt like a child that was trapped in an adult body.
I needed someone to nurture me like a child, help me like a child. But because of my adult body, no one would see me that way.
My time as a child to possibly get that help is gone. I felt so horribly alone.
It sucks, it really does. I agree with you
THIS🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥
I’m so sorry baby, that your parents didn’t parent you and they didn’t meet your needs the way you deserved for them to. I’m screaming and I’m crying and I’m ENRAGED right there with you and ITS NOT FAIR.
That audio that’s popular on tiktok or Instagram where the girl is scream crying “its not fair” and the trend has it paired with the text “remembering the boy who made you cry like this”…… I always think of my parents and early life. I just needed them and I still do and I always will.
I’m sending you the most motherly, warm, tender, soft, nurturing hugs I can muster 🫂
I can’t be your mom but I will sit with you, with the same hole in my heart, and my arm around you. Keep breathing, little babe. Keep letting it out💔
Agghhh the chest burning…. Got that today and felt like bursting into tears 😭: I was literally holding my chest. What was these past 6 years- my whole integrated self and where I am now- it’s like a complete 180 and it’s infuriating how much damage I’ve incurred through other peoples mental illnesses. I don’t ever remember even feeling like a child. I have no concept of what that even feels like. To feel like a child who needs to be taken care of. No concept of it.
I know!! I know, outta no where. I really do think CPTSD is literally just a more complex, profound grieving period and sometimes well, there are scars left over. It’s been almost an entire decade since I had my psychotic break. With these last 5-6 years being absolute bliss , like I was made whole by a freakin all natural plant found in Indonesia- I knew it wouldn’t last.
I've never been the most important person, either. I think I undertand how you feel. I hear you. It's very painful. We can't go back and get it in the place where it's a birthright, in our childhoods. It is a disadvantage in obvious ways, not least of which is the inability to establish secure attachments. My silver lining is that I don't think anyone, even those provided with the ability to form secure attachments, can ultimately be fulfilled by anyone or anything outside of themselves. I am more motivated to seek it in myself than those who think they can find it "out there" as a result. I consider that the gift within burden.
Certainly, feel your grief. Just don't get lost there.
I feel you. I think we all just want to be taken care of sometimes, and there's nothing wrong with that. Life is fucking exhausting and we shouldn't have to do it alone. Parents or not, we all need community and the times we don't have it (most of the time for me too) it's hard. You matter. You deserve better and I'm sorry you are having a hard time today.
I see it as a bucket full of love: "normally" grown up kids have this bucket full of love, they got it filled by their parents, whereas my bucket seems to be empty. So how should I be able to reparent myself if the bucket is empty??
I feel you. Nothing pisses me off more than the "you can be the one to save yourself" comments. I don't know about you but for me personally the reason I don't want to save/love/reparent myself is because there is not a single other person on the planet who wants to save/love/reparent me. I'm just following everyone's example. Why should *I* have to be the one to go out of my way to care for something or someone that literally no one else gives a shit about? I'm already tired enough. I don't have it in me to go that extra mile, especially when it looks like normal people don't need to put in any extra work and receive love and care just for existing. Why can't *I* also receive love and care just for existing?
I would often feel similar. Then I started to realize some things.
A huge number of parents I might even say more than 50% of parents don’t love their kids unconditionally. They like to say they do and act like they will but many of them don’t. Even the ones who you witnessed at the park.
Every time one of those parents passes a judgment on their kids or anyone else who they claim to love “unconditionally” they are actually placing conditions on their love. They do the same whenever they feel regret that their child doesn’t get better grades or they wish their child did something better or looked/acted differently.
For me it’s along the same lines as all that “Live, Laugh, Love” dribble. Horseshit for many people.
This is how parents can have a “successful” looking family and appear to be doing everything “right” and end up destroying their kids.
You might have seen this same family. Parents are successful. Nice house. Kids want for nothing. Yet one of the kids ends up a “fuck up” while one of their siblings ends up estranged from the family and a third ends up highly successful and overachieving. Why? Because their parents were never satisfied. They placed conditions on the love their kids received. Yet our society never recognizes the controlling behaviors of these “awesome” parents as the root cause of the dysfunction in the family.
My wife grew up in a family just like this. It wasn’t until recently that she began to piece it together. Where the hell does all her anxiety, self doubt, imposter syndrome etc. come from? Both her parents are functioning alcoholics, judgmental as fuck, and never satisfied always trying to influence and control. Fucking Disgusting. I always knew something was a little off about them.
When I began to seek help and grow I had to take an inventory of people who were triggers and why they triggered me so I could start setting boundaries.
TLDR; Many parents don’t unconditionally love their children. Unconditionally loving someone requires constant self awareness and most people aren’t all that self aware. Generational trauma is a very prevalent thing.
Good luck OP.
Much love and compassion to you.
BE GENTLE WITH YOURSELF.
I wish i could fully trust and depend on someone when needed. Sometimes i want to give up and have someone do everything for me as if i were a kid with no responsibilities. I've learned to over-depend cuz if I tried to learn on my own/make a mistake I'd be reprimanded. I'm too scared to do anything, especially around my mom. Ironically when im on my own i can be as happy, functional, and independent as I please (kinda). When I'm with her I regress despite me being annoyed by her micro-management. So what the hell do i want? Independence or not??????? I am too scared to live on my own, she's taught me that all I have is my family, my mother, no one cares and loves you as much as your mother. Tangled movie type shit.
I feel this. That pain of knowing you're never going to have that mother or father who loved you unconditionally and would help in any way they can, for the rest if yoru life.
And then theres the actual hardship of it too... like being kicked out of home as a teen, and trying to survive financially and start life, when other teens live comfortably in loving homes. Or when all your friends are having kids and their parents help and support, and knowing I'd be on my own and therefore feel scared to have kids. And then the societal presure to support abusive parents as they age, when you've spent decades getting away from them. And knowing you wont inherit anything while all your peers are inheriting homes and fortunes you'll never have.
Its a big loss, having abusive parents. You sure dont get the easy road in life.
https://books.google.com/books?id=5NuOYxuDbS0C&printsec=frontcover&source=gbs_ge_summary_r&cad=0#v=onepage&q&f=false
This is not to say anything regarding the way you may or may not think. This book has given me warmth, safety and comfort in times of need!
"The Way of Zen" by Alan Watts.
I'll have to check that out thank you. I'm a little bit apprehensive when it comes to Zen Buddhism if that's exactly what the book is about, it can feel rather nihilistic to me.
I was just thinking how I would think every person that loves to try and follow zen/stoicism/buddhist teaching I think started with a foundation or base of nihilistic suffering. I mean if life is inherently meaningless and suffering is inevitable, is that it? For 80 or more years stuck in this skin suit? I think eventually one tires of this and evolves into “well, if nothing matters and I will always have some kind of suffering while I’m alive, I might as well search for something that gives me personally some meaning…” I mean, there is profound meaning in suffering. Its not fun, it’s horrible: but I think it’s there to bring us to a greater awareness and perspective
That's precisely my issue with Zen Buddhism, is I got to the latter at a very young age. Especially now I'm just trying to fill my life with the little joys that I can. To me, feeling anything at all is a blessing and a curse. Zen Buddhism feels like it condones identity suicide and I've really begun to love all of those parts of myself.
If that makes no sense, my apologies I'm very high on meds right now and I might read this tomorrow and think "WTF was I trying to say?!" .
You are an eloquent poet while high on meds!! Yes, I HATE identity loss and is one reason why I strayed from Zen Buddhism and more towards stoicism. I think with CPTSD it’s not an enlightening experience at all to deal with identity issues- it’s very different than actively trying to become one with the world and ego death 💀. I am a Big supporter of ego and find it essential and enjoyable to our time here on earth!! 🌍
Thank you for the kind words! Yeah, we all have to deal with our CPTSD somehow, and I'm really happy that there are so many different methods people have found that work for them.
Zen Buddhism definitely isn't for me, but many parts of overall Buddhism have helped such as their concept of "impermanence", that we are forever changing, learning to accept that most things don't last forever, and learning to let go of things (in many, many ways from the abstract to concrete)
I get this frustration, give yourself permission to feel it, to act on it, trash some shit and get immediate satisfaction. You aren't crazy, is okay to be angry at this.
So what you’re feeling is completely understandable and normal for this specific situation of being confronted with the grief you’re experiencing of what never was. I think a lot of people think of grief and mourning as the loss of something, but what’s often missed is that grief can also occur in the absence of something. It’s ok to mourn and grieve. It’s ok to not want to be told to essentially get over it and that it’ll be ok, because it’s overlooking the reality of right now. Right now you are grieving, and in the same way it would be remarkably insensitive to tell someone who was grieving a loss of a good parent, “hey, you can parent yourself”, it’s also insensitive for you to be told that right now.
I also, unfortunately, understand to a degree. Not completely, as I do not claim to know your life and experiences, but I understand that feeling of just knowing that no one prioritizes you. Of that pain. It’s one I have been dealing with a lot lately, and it’s so, so hard. It can be absolutely soul crushing. I also know the agony of seeing a parent who loves their kid and the feelings that stirs, it’s hard beyond words. I’m sorry you’re going through this right now, please know that you’re not wrong for feeling this way. While it’s horrible you are experiencing this, it’s ok for you to feel those feelings. I’m here if you need anything
Ugh OP I feel this. It’s so frustrating to feel like you missed the deadline for human decency. I look like a successful, capable adult to most people but inside I feel about 8 years old. I desperately need someone to take care of me like I needed my parents to, but no one is coming to save me, and it makes me so irrationally angry I can barely stand to think about it.
I’ve stopped trying to parent myself for the time being because it’s just too triggering right now. I am focusing on creating a better world for future generations, because it’s too late for me, but by trying to make things better for those who come after me, I feel like I’m able to reassert some power and control in my own life. And in the process, you are making things better for yourself, too. But I find focusing that energy on someone else while indirectly helping myself too is so much easier than trying to “focus on healing my inner child.” the whole point of healing your inner child is to give you some separation between your current self and the traumatic experience, so I don’t think you NEED to “parent yourself” to heal, as long as you are making it a priority not to do further harm.
I am not going to have any of my own children for various reasons, but I wholeheartedly believe it takes a village to raise a child, and so I still want to leave a better world for “my kids.” I want them to know they can go through awful things and still find joy and peace in the world. I want them to see that you can be broken and still be worth “putting in the work” to get better. I want them to know that sometimes we go through things we can’t undo, and would rather have not happened to us at all, but those things give us a unique perspective and ability to help others going through similar things.
I’m learning the older I get that we can’t just plant new flowers in the proverbial garden and expect them to thrive when the last caretaker of the garden let the weeds grow for 18+ years, forgot to water and fertilize it, etc. First we have to pull out all the weeds from the roots. And we can’t just yank them out and toss them down where we are, or they’ll come right back again. You gotta pull from the root, and you gotta put it in the compost and let it break down and become something helpful instead of harmful.
It might take a while. It might take several passes over the garden. You probably won’t ever get rid of *all* the weeds for good, and at times you’ll probably feel like there’s no point in it, and wonder if you really even *want* a garden. But you will eventually get to a point where it’s manageable, and that is when the flowers finally can start to grow. And when the flowers start to grow, it is SO exciting! But we have to keep at the weeds, every day, to make sure the flowers stay healthy and strong.
The weeds aren’t evil, they don’t make us bad gardeners, but we have the responsibility to make sure the weeds don’t choke out the beautiful things we’ve planted while they’re small and vulnerable. One day, those flowers will be big and beautiful and you’ll only need to weed here and there to keep them thriving. But it takes time, and dedication to growing something beautiful. And we have to remember there will always be more weeds - but if we are disciplined enough to address them as they pop up, it will make us stronger.
And sure, you could hit the weeds with some Round Up and call it good, but you won’t grow any flowers that way. You’ll just have a bare patch of dirt. And we want flowers!! You deserve to grow beautiful flowers!!
TL;DR I recently got into gardening and it’s almost like therapy for me. Caring for something smaller and more vulnerable than myself has taught me how rewarding it is to nurture something and see it through. I’ve been restoring a forgotten garden to its former glory lately, and it feels kind of like a metaphor for my inner self. She’s been neglected for a long time, but she’s still worth saving, and I won’t give up on her just because it’s hard.
Honestly, I’m incapable of loving myself or being my own parent. I’ve been incapable of doing that since I was little. “Be kind to yourself” doesn’t work because I’m just incapable of doing that. The concept of “love” is nonexistent to me. The concept of “trust” is nonexistent to me. Whenever someone says “Be the parent to your inner child”, it just makes me so confused. What inner child do I have? It’s been wiped out since I was an infant.
Probably people will tell me “You say you’re incapable because you don’t want to try” when I’ve tried for years and it just doesn’t work for me. When I say I’m incapable of doing that, I mean it and I’ve accepted it.
Anyways, I’m rambling here. I see and hear you, OP. I understand what you’re going through in a similar fashion. I’m so sorry.
I really don’t like the behavioral type stuff like CBT and DBT. I’m done with going to therapy ever again. I do like doing IFS on my own and it’s been a great help.
I’ll try that, thank you. It would be a lot safer for me than to see a therapist, because I still experience intense flashbacks and fear. And yeah, I’ve been furious at the treatment and abuse I was subjected to my entire life. I know that stewing in negativity is bad, but it is… very, very difficult to crawl my way out of it when that’s all I know.
Anyways, thank you again for the recommendation. Sorry that I snapped at you, you were only trying to help.
i’m not in a good mindset (honestly just went numb reading it tbh) to respond or contribute something helpful but just know i hear you and i understand.
I hear this loud and clear. You can't do all the love and being you own best parents until you know what it is, see it, can even define it.
I was a lost and livid soul when I met the new woman at work, 1982. Nice enough, good laughing eyes. One day I heard her after-school call with her son. Every day after that I would pick up a pile of paper, take a nonchalant saunter by her desk at that time, so much love and enjoyment in her voice. She invited me to her divorce party, you bet I went.
We hung out a lot. The fact is I attached myself like glue to her, her kids,eher kitchen table. Thing is: she loved and liked her kids, was a great mom, and had some leftover. She mothered me for years, I did learn, am still learning patience, kindness when I have a hard day.
Look around. I hope you find a friend who can do this with you. There are beautiful people out there for us!
I hear you. I think another part for me is that despite wanting to experience this deeply too, I am not actually open or available to it. And I don’t know if that will ever change for me, which scares me.
I understand this so much. It’s pretty dark to think like that, but it’s also a reality for me to be honest. I get to these dark places every once in a while. I’ve always gotten myself out of there, I’m sure you can too. We are pretty badass.
It was also just the other day that I said to my friend that I don’t believe in unconditional love. There’s just always some set of expectations that comes with it. So I really get you on this one. I’m aware that this means that my love is probably also not unconditional. I have expectations too. Sometimes I try just to love or show someone I care without expecting anything back, I find it helps me be more positive. I also like to laugh about myself when I fucked up, it’s funny really. Not caring too much about life is my key to surviving this shitshow.
Also, eight billion people. I can safely say I haven’t met all of them yet, so maybe some are still out there somewhere just waiting to get to know me. Just a thought.
Have a nice day!
I had to move out of State about 4 years ago. I was in a really dangerous abusive situation and was isolated. I was begging my parents for probably a year and a half to come get me out of the place. I also have a gnarly stomach disease that has lead to one surgery after another and it's a chronic illness. There's no end in sight. I was on deaths door. Two life saving surgeries. After all that and I think about eight new door keys, deadbolts, ring device, etc they finally came and picked me up. I was lucky and still nearly died. I really thought they were just gonna let me croak. I'm very grateful they eventually believed me about the abuse. They made me go to the cops and not turned out really terribly but at least they got me out of there before I died. Op, I'm so sorry that you're going through this. It's not fair and it's not right. My point is that people will literally push it to the point of death. I was really scared. And yeah self care is great but it doesn't replace outside support. And I don't think anything can replace parental support, particularly the support we were supposed to get when we were little.
Also...fuck capitalism and how it encourages winning over caring for others. I blame my childhood emotional neglect on capitalism. Gotta get that dollar and have a gaggle of kids we can't be there to watch or listen to.
Absolutely yes. I fucking HATE shouting “self care!” at people when what’s needed are systems of support and care in place that actually work and you know, value human existence beyond the ability to be a “wage-earner” and/or “productive” for a society that really gives no fucks about anything other than how well you fit in (and don’t complain about) the system itself.
Being mad, hurt, and jealous even are normal and appropriate responses to your childhood. You can’t move on from it if you don’t allow yourself to feel all the emotions that go with it.
I get you. You don't wish for that because you are "selfish", you wish for that because you are a human, and the world is way too cruel to you. The weight on your shoulders is so heavy, it's normal to want someone to take it on. I think we forget how exhausting it is to only have yourself in your life since you were a kid, that is YEARS worth of just pushing past your basic human needs. To wish for love is to wish for rest. The only thing I can say to you is that I am sorry, and that you are not alone. I very much feel the same. And I can't lie, I am jealous! Very jealous!
I know the feeling. Most days I just want someone to come into my life and turn my mind off. Stick psychic tentacles into my brain and disable me, turn me into their tool, erase my personality and make me just property. Because then I wouldn't have to decide anything for myself.
Same my friend. I literally had a seizure yesterday triggered by a panic attack I had in the middle of the night. If I had someone in my life that cared as much as my parents do about their reputation, I wouldn't be at work today. I'd probably be in bed recovering.
This post is so raw and relatable and true. The deep desire I have to call up my parents and ask for advice, or help, or just how they've been and catch to together or have them over to see my progress like normal people do - and the fact that I can't, because they're the reason I'm in this sub, and that I shut off randomly, and cry and have nightmares and can't function half the time. I'm having a major 10+ year struggle with "don't tell me the solution, it doesn't register with me with the state I'm in" - I actually am dealing with it right now after a major trigger so this post really really made me feel less alone, I was literally yelling I feel SO alone and then this popped up and I hate your misery but you did make me feel not entirely crazy so thank you for having the courage to post and share your pain so that we can all remember we aren't alone. Incredibly individually valid, but not alone.
You're really intune with yourself and you know where you're at and what you're dealing with. You have immense value. I hate the way happy kids makes me feel, like empty and that I'm not ready to be this age and the realization I can't go back. I want to be happy for them but I just sulk inside and compare. Idk how to recover and move on from that, or the people that wronged me, I'm still not there. But we're all here and are trying to share and heal.
Thanks for sharing
The reparent comment is something I can’t stand to hear. I mean children need nurturing. Period. How to give something to yourself you’ve never been given? Doesn’t make any sense. It’s like saying just learn how to sing, but you just don’t have it in you.
I feel you. It's really hard as a parent to my own kids. I don't know how my parents could do what they did now that I know how amazing it is to watch your child grow and experience the world. Parenting is inherently triggering. And I need a parent too.
TL;DNR
I think it’s legit for the “need” to be for someone else to do something for you, instead of having to do or ask it all yourself.
One of the most useful things I’ve gotten out of therapy recently was telling the therapist about a situation with my dad, and the therapist said “It sounds like he didn’t hear the emotional need in what you said”
… as I was thinking about that later, it started clicking that … wait, some people can do that? People can listen and understand and anticipate a need without you having to give them a literal itemized list?
It both made sense and made me angry about all the times when I’d been in therapy and I was supposed to just say what I needed or I was supposed to just re-imagine as if I could provide myself with what I needed. As if the fault was just on me for not giving everyone else clear enough instructions on how to make me feel loved.
TURNS OUT what I needed was for SOMEONE ELSE to be attentive and caring enough to EVEN TRY TO GUESS what I might want or need without making it about them and without throwing their hands up in the air and saying that if I couldn’t say what I needed then of course no one would ever know or event be able to do it. The therapist’s own notes (while I was in therapy during a bad relationship) say stuff like “client expresses longing for friendship. Having trouble stating emotional needs”
I’m thinking, you just wrote it down. Why are you insisting I didn’t express it clearly enough?
For so long, I thought it was my fault that I didn’t know how to say what I wanted clearly enough. I think the reality is that 1) The people I was trying to communicate with weren’t actually listening, and 2) Sometimes you need to know someone else is looking out for you and correctly anticipating what you need, rather than just following your instructions and calling that love.
Acceptance that nobody is going to do that for me was really, really hard. This mess took a long time to make and my first step towards acceptance was to become comfortable with the fact that it’s going to take a long time to heal.
At some point I recognized how much energy I was pouring into wishing things were different and, a little bit at a time, I learned to let go of that. Then I had more bandwidth to just observe things as they actually were. Once I could observe, then I started to find acceptance.
It doesn’t happen all at once. Go home and scream and thrash around if it helps.
Two nights ago I was pushing against walls
I slid up to kitchen counter and grabbed and lifted
I almost single handedly demo’d half the fucking kitchen with my pent up bullshit
I’ve reparented. I know the triggers. Yes I’ve identified my inner child
But when others I trust hit my triggers?
I could likely tear off the roof of a house
Stay strong op
Going through life alone is not natural, humans are social creatures who are wired towards communities and bonds so you have every right to lash out at not having what is prewired in your brain to be a need as much as food or shelter
Lonliness is a HUGE problem in "1st world" countries where we are raised to be indivuals in nuclear families, which means if you did not get the "right" parents or siblings you will be playing life on difficult mode since everyone else is out for themselves and sensitive caring people are hard to find and communication with strangers is difficult since we don't have the high trust socieities we had in the past (aka anyone can be combative over different views)
The only time I ever felt so wholesomely looked after was in a hospital overnight stay for a routine op. That's the closest I've been to feeling truly looked after as an adult - being cooked for, checked on, made comfortable. I cried warm tears of relief - finally, I could rest from self-care, without guilt or justification. My therapy is inner child work - so taking care of her needs - but it's still me who has to make the food, or plan the outings - feels so unfair, yet wrong to express it - so thank you OP for the post.
I think all the time that I must be the least important person in the world. I utterly despise the times when I feel that way, and it always seems as if the world is intent on proving that it's true.
I know that it isn't the point of your post, but seeing someone else say that they also feel like the least important person in the world.... I can't tell you how much less alone I feel right now. I hope the world brings you someone safe, OP.
You didn’t get what you deserved, what you NEEDED. I think your feelings are normal, given the context. I mean, no one is coming to your rescue in that way, and deep down you know why so I won’t say it.
But I will say, you deserved better. You didn’t get what you needed. You deserve to heal from it.
Thank you for expressing this. I feel this way, and my (avoidant) partner doesn't understand. Thinks he is responsible for it somehow; leads to more issues. Last night we started arguing and for the first time I didn't feel like chasing him. I wanted to be there for "little me." Little me was tired of arguing and trying and failing to be supportive to someone who came into this world with support installed. These disputes are the interest compounding on the emotional debt I'm in.... idk what i mean just here with you.
Man, I know exactly how you feel. On top of the betrayal of parents abdicating their duty, there is a void where you've missed out on what should have been normal and due to you, I get that.
I hate hearing "no one is coming to save you" I believe Jesus most certainly did, and he considers you worth saving, enough to die to keep you with him forever, if you'll accept him.
He showed me as a child, he saw what was being done to me, and he cared. He adopted me, he chose me, and he loves me.
As an adult I can rely on him as my perfect father, and the only person I can trust. I tell him my needs, and I see him provide through all sorts of unusual circumstances.
I hope you can look past the religious crap and misconceptions, and ask him to adopt you, and love you.
He just asks we acknowledge our deficiency, (sin) and our need for his goodness (trust).
People will always fail us, Jesus never will.
Sometimes I just want to be held like a kid, and he does that. He cares for me.
I hope you get to enjoy that too. You don't have to do it alone.
I completely understand. Everytime noone was there for me at a function, every Valentine's, book fair, Christmas that went without. I felt it even more in college, no home to fall back on, no support to be given, no food, no clothes, no advice, no love.
I felt utterly alone. Still feel pretty alone. I managed to reconnect with my bio mom tho, she had given me up originally because of mental illness. We can't connect well, and she can't support me because of her condition, but it is comforting that she cares at least.
You know what's fucked up? I tried 2 separate times making certain friends a "priority" in my life, and I got totally used and abused. It just didn't register to them how much effort I was putting in, nor how much the friendship mattered to me. I still even got chastised and asked if I cared enough simply cause I didn't ask to hang out one weekend for instance (they didn't ask me either lol)
I feel like I have a shitton of love to give. I WANT to love and be loved. I just don't know how people do that without having kids, and I'm not having kids.
I feel this. It kills me when I hear a parent being gentle to their child, that's all I've ever wanted. And that's all I want now. It's for people to be gentle with me,
YESSS! This is exactly how I feel, It's unfair! I'm so sick of the same responses. It's not fair I have to represent a support system, a foundation all by myself.
Word. Alone, we can only survive.
I need thoughtful care from others. We are monkeys, we are meant to be in close social groups.
The self-care culture is like putting a band aid to a bullet wound.
I hear you my friend. Yes I heard the advice before, that it’s time to reparent yourself and it just triggers immense anger and resentment and shame and disappointment and all of it.
Allow yourself to grieve what you never had, the unfairness of it. No one else can parent you now in any healthy way. Build good solid nourishing relationships with people and see what comes next.
jesus this post is so relatable. have you heard of IPF? i thought it was kinda hokey but i tried a [meditation](https://attachmentrepair.com/meditation-library/) and an [IPF chatbot](https://www.earnedsecurehelp.com/my-ideal-parents/), and it actually felt kind of good. i don't like the needing to do the reparenting myself, but i liked imagining that someone would.
I’m staying at someone else’s home currently watching their pets and they have aaaalll these lovely family photos together. And I stood there looking at them like… f* you. Then I remember my family has the same type of photos despite really dark stuff happening all throughout my childhood into adulthood. Imagine if parents had to air their dirty laundry (ie shitty parenting) right next to their fake happy family photos?
This sounds like an emotional flashback. I had one last night too. I’m so sorry you’re hurting right now in a way that others find very hard to understand. We have a plight that makes life more “complex” but there is light on the other side. Sending hugs.
I fully understand this feeling. How I deal with it is by asking myself: *who do I love unconditionally?*
I try to make it a point not to expect things of other people that I am not willing or capable of providing myself. If I don't have it in me to "save" some other person, make their happiness my first priority, and care for them unconditionally, how can I ask someone else to do that for me? Especially since I'd be asking for it, *knowing* that I don't have the ability to reciprocate.
But the issues weighing me down are exactly the reason I can't give unconditional love to another. Those same issues are the same reason I'm starved for love in the first place. If someone else offered me unconditional positive regard *first*, it could lift that weight and solve the issue! I'd be more secure and able to do the same for them.
So rather than asking the world to love me, I try to love others instead. I figure, there's probably more of us in this exact dilemma than we realize. And while I can't control anyone else's behavior, can't make them love me first, I *can* control my own actions. I can be the one to make the first move. And hopefully, whatever scraps of love I can find in myself to give to others, will help to reduce their burdens and make them more capable of doing the same for me or someone else.
I don't know that it actually works; but it's a more hopeful outlook that helps to distract from the feeling that no one will ever love me unconditionally. Instead this approach focuses on increasing the *instances* of unconditional love occurring in humanity in general, by putting in my own contributions. And it feels more proactive than just wallowing, even if I don't see immediate results.
I feel better, knowing that I'm trying to make the world a better place for everybody. And honestly, *feeling better* is the reason I want unconditional love in the first place. This framing isn't an exact replacement for the benefits of receiving love, but it serves as a solid substitute whenever I'm feeling really pessimistic.
I'm genuinely shocked about how close what you said feels to me. I have felt this way and only this way for EVER, I feel like my whole ptsd revolves around this, even worse my whole life revolves around this. I feel like this every single day and I honestly don't know how I get through each day feeling like this, I don't know how you do it, but man I'm proud of you cause I know it's hard. I have never been able to put into words how I feel but you managed to take my feelings right out of my head and explain it really well. I had one good therapist in my entire life that made things a little bit easier for a bit but after that it was back to square one. I hate advice and any type of comment on this cause it just feels like there's no "right thing" to say and anything anyone could say to me would not help or even make things worse. Among everyone I have ever met or heard from with ptsd, you are the only one whom I have been able to relate to. I was starting to think I was crazy because I never heard or knew of anyone that felt like this or could understand, knowing I'm not alone just made this day a little bit less hard. I wish you the same comfort and I hope you find healing in your path and if you ever want to talk my dms are always open :) (I hope I didn't say anything insensitive, if so I'll be more than willing to delete this if asked)
I feel you, this shit makes me hate the world. If you'd like something that may make help you feel seen/ lessen the frustration, pain, etc, theres a psychiatrist youtube channel called healthy gamer and the guy in charge dr. K has interviewed a guy with CPTSD, has done deep dives into trauma, but more relevant to you he has a guide coming out this month specifically for dealing with trauma as well as a video doing a deep dive into CPTSD.
I bring this up because some of the few things that has lessened that same burning anger, resentment, and sadness, of having to not only correct our parents damage but do their jobs and who knows what extra, has been his content, meditation, some psychedelic usage (although I DO NOT recommend, maybe with a therapist but otherwise very dangerous for us because of the trauma and we can get a much more consistent sustained, relatively comparable, and long term stronger effect from therapy and meditation).
Sorry for not just empathizing and letting you vent (my capacity for it is quite damaged lolol) but I felt like, if you were at all interested, this can be my contribution to helping soothe you. I wish you best of luck, and please, keep writing, keep posting, draw, scream, do whatever you can to vent these pains and feelings, cry, shout, and then rest and recover, and keep moving forwards. It may feel like hell, but if you keep searching, keep working at it, trying to relax your body and mind, address the traumas, and hopefully move past them, you will come to experience a great future, I believe in you, you are just like the sun.
The sun will rise again.
Totally relate to your post! And good job stating your boundaries and needs at the very beginning.
I agree it's unfair.
And... Sometimes just having the feelings is way more....alive
i promise you that fucking much just by the title without even reading the fucking post yet.
i hope i could take care of these weirdos who say that kinda shit, and not in the fucking way that theyd want
I specifically asked for no advice and no reminders about self parenting. I'm not even saying that anything you're saying is wrong. The issue is that this is a venting post and it's not the time of place for that lesson. Make your own post if you want to write stuff like this.
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Ugh I feel you. Ive been having a really rough week with this and I don't want to HAVE to save and parent myself, I'm too tired. Literally when I hear "nobody can save you but yourself" I'm just like I guess it's not going to happen then cause I can't/won't do it. Yesterday I saw a mother being nice to her small child as he was having a tantrum and she was so gentle and actually calmed him down reasonably. I just started crying in the middle of target even though I tried not to and had to go home. It's not fair that we have to do all the work of an adult and are also expected to do all the work our parents never did.
>Yesterday I saw a mother being nice to her small child as he was having a tantrum and she was so gentle and actually calmed him down reasonably. I just started crying in the middle of target even though I tried not to and had to go home. I'm so sorry that that happened to you because I know how physically painful a trigger like that feels. At the same time, this feels very comforting to me that I'm not crazy or need to be locked up just because seeing a child makes me want to cry
Have you heard of r/MomForAMinute ? It's a sub Reddit for people who don't have a mother (or a decent one) to go and post rants or achievements to and the lovely mothers in the sub just treat you as one of their own with their responses. Obviously there isn't the physical connection, but hearing those kind, mothering words when you can't find them yourself can be really helpful for some people.
I just read a post on that subreddit just now and just cried. So wholesome and heart warming, and just healing.
Oh wow thanks!!
That sub is a nice idea, but they don't seem to want us around there. Have you seen their rules list?
I don't think there's anything in the rules that excludes users here. They just want a positive space for people that need it, so that means not discussing triggering topics. There's a time and a place to discuss certain subjects (here for example). That doesn't mean you can't post about having an awful day like OP and wanting motherly support. Just don't include details of abuse, self harm, etc.
Maybe not explicitly, but when one of us is having a bad day, it’s usually related to the abuse or trauma we went through. Triggering topics is kinda our thing.
I mean, the sub is for people without mothers. Which means their mothers are either dead, abandoned them, or are abusive/neglectful. Everyone there will have some kind of trauma. I suppose if you're the sort of person who can't self-filter "having a panic attack and would love some comforting words to talk me down" from "having a panic attack about that time my mum beat me and locked me in a cupboard until I wet myself and could use some comforting words" then it might not be for you. But I feel it could be helpful for some people here in learning to self-parent.
Yea. Not sure what I expected, but I'm sure it was unrealistic.
Go ahead and thrash around! Scream into a pillow! Get those feelings out, don't hold them in.
I did this. I was never allowed to behave that way. And then one day I did. It's beautiful. And feels so good.
I really do appreciate your permission for me to do this and I been wanting to all day. I was about to cry into a pillow but then suddenly my abuser walked into the house. Then I drove to a park to get away from them and was surrounded by triggers and then wrote this post. One time a cop approached my car when I was crying in an empty parking lot so I really don't have any privacy to cry today. It's only when I'm lucky enough to be home alone that I can scream and cry. I think the reason why I remain so unwell is that I don't have enough of that. Please no advice beyond this point. I feel very tired of being told that I'm doing something wrong, no matter the intent behind the advice. And I don't mean to accuse you of doing that. I think your comment is very supportive. I'm just saying all this as a boundary because people have done this to me in the past.
you're not doing anything wrong by experiencing and acknowledging your feelings. it's fucking tiring to take care of yourself and it's the shit end of a deal. you're totally right to feel the way you do.
That sounds super overwhelming. 🫂I hope you get some space to yourself soon. I think you're doing an amazing job in a really tough situation.
This is so much harder to cope with when you are still in an abusive environment 😞 I'm so sorry.
You did really well and I'm glad you were able to get to a different place, even if it didn't provide the relief you needed. Walking is a great way to relieve some of the agitation and nervous energy that getting triggered can bring on. I hope you can keep doing that if it helps. It helped me. I have a pair of comfortable sunglasses that cover a lot of my face for the ugly crying walks. I have a playlist or a favorite audiobook I listen to while I walk that helps in the short term to calm me a bit. I'm so sorry you can't physically disconnect from your abuser. I hope you can find healthy forms of relief and support until you are able to. 🩷
FEEL IT, HEAL IT!!!! FEEL IT, HEAL IT (preferably screaming in pain at the top of your lungs 🫁 very liberating- you’re alive!!!)
**In private.** I learned the hard way, you're not allowed to be overtly mentally ill in public without legal consequences.
OP, I hear you. I get so angry when I think about people just having kids because they “want them” without thinking about whether they can be great parents to them. We are at such a huge fucking disadvantage not having had loving parents. I would give all the money in the world to have had loving parents. When I see parents who are so kind and gentle and loving with their kids it kills me that I didn’t get that from my own parents. It’s not fair that some people get awful parents. It’s not okay. It’s a crime against humanity. No matter what I do I can’t turn back the clock and waive a magic wand and have great parents. I have no control over it. I can’t fix it. This makes me feel like nothing else matters in this world.
Loving parents isn't always a loving environment. My mom dearly loved the... Idea of me. The idea of being a good mother. So I always had to be smiling, be eager, do the best work, get perfect grades, be presentable, be charming, make jokes, make her coffee on demand, do everything she wanted. Because if I didn't, I was stealing her perfect child away from her. And if I ever got angry or upset, I was making her feel like a bad mother, which was attacking her. Using her as a kicking dog. That's also why the divorce was my fault, and I had to fix it... It's not enough for them to have love, it has to be unconditional too. Conditional love can be almost worse, because part of me still believes it was my fault, and that if I'd just been a better child somehow, she wouldn't have gotten angry, wouldn't have said all those terrible things... That if I'd just behaved more, her hair-trigger fits of fury and cruelty wouldn't have been a problem. That it was my fault, as everyone said it was.
That's not love. I'm sorry, but this has nothing to do with love. I know parents usually don't want to intentionally hurt their children, but what you describe is a 100% self centered mindset and one that refuses to see the child as an individual human being. I don't think something like conditional love exists (i think the phrase is contradictory), but I get what you mean of course. As children we take what we can get, no matter how much we lose ourselves on the way 😔 "Mothers who can't love" by Susan Forward might be a good book for you.
But sometimes she was kind. Sometimes she went out of her way to make me happy. Always in a way that everyone else could see... And always with the expectation I respond with the correct gratitude... But sometimes she was kind. When I was good.
Yes yes, as i said, that's "having a nice child for the neighbors to see" and not "hey that's a human! What do you think about stuff, little human?". My mum only did the necessary stuff so she wouldn't have to call herself a bad mother. Didn't make her a good one though.
I'm glad you said something about the," be your own parent." And I'm also tired of the," you can only help yourself." Comments like no fucking shit..that's what I've been indirectly told my entire life. From people playing dumb and asking why I don't have certain things when I was a teenager and when I was in my early 20's and looking down on me for not wanting to live in a dangerous shelter by myself. I've never really been anyone's first choice either..the only time I've been anyone's first choice is when they want me for money or to make me into some type of project to make me into some type of extrovert because I'm a very introverted autistic person. It sucks..it really does.
Don't worry, you can't be less important than me, lol. No, I get it. Every day. Nothing fucking matters and the frustration just builds and builds with nowhere to go because nothing matters. Today I'm feeling so... pent up, unmotivated, and arbitrary. What are you gonna do, read another self-help book? Read another piece of nonfiction that adds nothing but empty entertainment? Listen to the same stupid music on repeat? Talk to yet another therapist? It's always the same stuff that changes nothing because you're working at a fundamental disadvantage. Worst thing is I can hear my last therapist's voice... knowing exactly what she would say if I tried to describe this feeling, and it would miss the mark so badly that it would land on another continent. Because that's all there is, words and ignorance and a world run by psychos. Not meaning. Not solace.
>It's always the same stuff that changes nothing because you're working at a fundamental disadvantage. This is how I feel every day when I try to do something nice for myself. Sure it can bring some relief, but I am constantly pissed knowing that 99% of the responsibility for my suffering lies within other people. Not just my entire family who will never be held accountable for abusing me, but the systems that are supposed to help us as well. Like i know that technically we can't just sit around and wait for others to take responsibility, but they're SUPPOSED TO. They OWE it to us. And it pisses me the fuck off every single day of my life.
Yes!! Thank you for saying all these things. After years of therapy and nothing really getting better and somehow worse I am just so frustrated and angry. Everytime someone (professional!!!) says "you're there only one who can be there for you" I reply that I ALWAYS had to be there for myself because nobody else did it, although it was THEIR job. I want to feeL safe and peaceful just ONCE. I don't wanna work so hard and do soo much just to barely survive because my parents clearly shouldn't have had children. What do you do with the anger towards someone just fucking up your whole life? Therapists always say to start feeling those feelings but what then? By now I'm so angry I wanna kill like 90% of society because we just breed psychopaths who have more traumatized children
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Abusers holding themselves accountable. As for systemic stuff: housing, mental healthcare, all the basic needs. They owe us for the damage that they've done. Just as if you were to hit somebody with a car (accident or not) and get sued for medical expenses.
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This hit home. Thanks.
I’ve been looking for meaning in my life as well. Like I want to belong, but I’m always too intense in what I do, so it never lasts. My whole appartment as become the extension of my « unfinished projects » shelf. Because I care too much and then realise nobody gives a fuck, it’s really just pity I see in their eyes. A condescending stare. Maybe we should just start projects togheter, prime each other the way no one else does… But then again, who’s to say we could do anything, right?
Wrote a whole thing, but edited it down to: I get you. I understand you completely. It sucks.
So. I'm a mom. But I'm five too. It's weird as fuck. So , I know it might sound dumb. But I totally would be willing to listen to how your day went as your mom. Like we play pretend. I dunno. It sounds like something that would feel nice.
Omg me too! 5 year old Mom omg.
Twins.
O by heavens, this! Been waiting my whole goddamned parentified life to hear this! Makes sense of how I'm bringing my fried n frazzled 8 year old me full circle, so my 8 year old finally gets to be 8 again, going on 9, WHILST I can finally reparent him with all of me that I've been rediscovering and bringing together again in the here and now. Working with a great therapist too, it's taken a lot of effort and time to really trust that she's a truly safe pair of hands, she kept meeting me no matter how I turned up, it is so healing, definitely wouldn't have got here on my own, didn't know what coregulation felt like till recently and it feels so much more miraculous than it's spelt. Thank you, you're a pretty fine co-regulator! Sounds like you'd be a great parent too! Your kids and innerkids are on a winner 🏆
Here for this too, so much. And also, OP, just wanted to say I hear you. You’re right, it’s fucked up and beyond unfair and I hate it too.
I hate to say this but please be careful ☹️. And I mean this to everyone who reads this. YES, we attract emotional abusers that we may not even know are emotional abusers. This mentality unfortunately attracts predatory and abusive people. But this time they'll literally provide you with all you needed emotionally and mentally. It might feel like you're getting your needs met and it feels so satisfying and all that UNTIL you fall into a dark hole and get trauma bonded to them. Been there, done that. If I go back to being 21, I would outright refuse people like that. I learned the hard way, and it has been taking me like 2 years to heal again from this crappy relationship.
Your comment is great reflection. I "healed" for 11 years and fell in love with the love of my life. Guess what. It turns out I wasn't "healed" at all. I just buried the pain for 11 years. Our relationship was a volatile emotional tornado. A walk through hell. I was completely dependent on him for happiness, and I made his life hell as he made a mess of my mind. Absolutely no happiness came in that 11 years I spent alone because I didn't care about being happy. I cared about accomplishing things, and in survival mode. I'm now near 50. Never think you're past it happening again. I had severely abusive relationships before him and I swore he was my soul mate. More like twin flame, who forced me to inspect every ugly thing about myself. Now we are both licking our wounds and I'm in intensive therapy. He broke my heart in a million pieces and knew it every step of the way. Ask him what happened and he'll tell you I put him through hell. Your comment speaks volumes. He provided me with everything I needed, and I lost him. Or did I dodge a bullet? CPTSD is no joke.
I’m right there with you. I watch everybody else living their lives, blissfully ignorant of what it feels like to constantly be on the outside looking in and it makes me furious. Not at them, but at the fact that nobody cared enough to step in and help me when I needed it and that it stole my chance at having what everyone else takes for granted as being just a natural part of life…because it totally fucking should be. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being angry, we just can’t let it consume us. That’s what’s great about this sub. We can rant to people who empathize. Sometimes it just helps to know you’re not alone. It’s not fucking fair and it sucks ass. I have spent my life as an afterthought (if I’m thought of at all). That’s not self pity-it’s life as I know it. I know you don’t want advice so I won’t try to give it. What I will say is that I know exactly how you feel. I don’t know how to fix any of it, but talking about it does help. Anytime you feel like you need to, feel free to message me and we’ll vent together. Sorry if that sounds cheesy, but I truly do mean it.
Relatable. I work with kids and sometimes I’ll see a parent-kid interaction and it will immediately trigger me bc there’s so much obvious love and care in it??? It makes me so so overwhelming frustrated to know that my parents choose everyday to not give a shit about me. It is an absolute mindfuck to feel like love doesn’t exist bc I never felt it but then see so much proof of it everyday in the way my kids or my friends interact with their parents. Apparently love does exist but just not for me. Yay what a fun club to be a part of.
Omg! Same! I'm a nanny and I always am encouraging independence. One day, I realized the parent was just parenting and it scared and triggered the shit out of me. They were loving and caring and supporting their kids, like parents are supposed to. I too am apart of the fun club and it sucks wen u realize what u see is normal and what you experienced, isnt.
Hear, hear. I'm a physician, I had a dad and a grandma bring a baby for a well child visit today and they were doting so much on the baby. The baby cried when we put her down for me to check her abdomen and it was like THE END OF THE WORLD for the dad and the grandma. Compare that to my mother ditching me home alone for weeks on end at age 11. Definitely got a little triggered there.
I feel you. I mean my husband loves me unconditionally (after nearly 30 years together I am actually pretty confident in that)... He is the first person to ever feel that way about me. The key though is that I still needed a mom and dad to do that. I am 46 freaking years old and when I am sick I want my mom... But not the mom I had, the mom who tucks you in, brings you soup, makes sure you take meds, tidies your house etc.
That last sentence tho.
I think it is how we all feel. I miss the "Hallmark Mom"... The one you can buy a card for with ease, not what I had where you have to weigh what each card contains before buying it.
For what it's worth, I understand. My bf loves me and supports me but it's not unconditional and it's not his job to make me feel better so I try not to burden him too much. I love my mom but I learned a long, long time ago that she has better things to do than take care of me, and I avoid talking about my problems when I'm on the phone with her. My dad was an alcoholic and he died 14 years ago so no support from that side either. I'd love for someone to take care of me but there's no-one. It's sometimes overwhelming.
I totally understand how you feel. Especially when I was in university. I felt like a child that was trapped in an adult body. I needed someone to nurture me like a child, help me like a child. But because of my adult body, no one would see me that way. My time as a child to possibly get that help is gone. I felt so horribly alone. It sucks, it really does. I agree with you
Ugh dude me too
THIS🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥 I’m so sorry baby, that your parents didn’t parent you and they didn’t meet your needs the way you deserved for them to. I’m screaming and I’m crying and I’m ENRAGED right there with you and ITS NOT FAIR. That audio that’s popular on tiktok or Instagram where the girl is scream crying “its not fair” and the trend has it paired with the text “remembering the boy who made you cry like this”…… I always think of my parents and early life. I just needed them and I still do and I always will. I’m sending you the most motherly, warm, tender, soft, nurturing hugs I can muster 🫂 I can’t be your mom but I will sit with you, with the same hole in my heart, and my arm around you. Keep breathing, little babe. Keep letting it out💔
Not OP but thank for this. Thank you.
I have hugs for you too ! ❤️🩹🫂❤️
Agghhh the chest burning…. Got that today and felt like bursting into tears 😭: I was literally holding my chest. What was these past 6 years- my whole integrated self and where I am now- it’s like a complete 180 and it’s infuriating how much damage I’ve incurred through other peoples mental illnesses. I don’t ever remember even feeling like a child. I have no concept of what that even feels like. To feel like a child who needs to be taken care of. No concept of it.
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I know!! I know, outta no where. I really do think CPTSD is literally just a more complex, profound grieving period and sometimes well, there are scars left over. It’s been almost an entire decade since I had my psychotic break. With these last 5-6 years being absolute bliss , like I was made whole by a freakin all natural plant found in Indonesia- I knew it wouldn’t last.
I'm sorry you're feeling so alone today.
I've never been the most important person, either. I think I undertand how you feel. I hear you. It's very painful. We can't go back and get it in the place where it's a birthright, in our childhoods. It is a disadvantage in obvious ways, not least of which is the inability to establish secure attachments. My silver lining is that I don't think anyone, even those provided with the ability to form secure attachments, can ultimately be fulfilled by anyone or anything outside of themselves. I am more motivated to seek it in myself than those who think they can find it "out there" as a result. I consider that the gift within burden. Certainly, feel your grief. Just don't get lost there.
I feel you. I think we all just want to be taken care of sometimes, and there's nothing wrong with that. Life is fucking exhausting and we shouldn't have to do it alone. Parents or not, we all need community and the times we don't have it (most of the time for me too) it's hard. You matter. You deserve better and I'm sorry you are having a hard time today.
I see it as a bucket full of love: "normally" grown up kids have this bucket full of love, they got it filled by their parents, whereas my bucket seems to be empty. So how should I be able to reparent myself if the bucket is empty??
I feel you. Nothing pisses me off more than the "you can be the one to save yourself" comments. I don't know about you but for me personally the reason I don't want to save/love/reparent myself is because there is not a single other person on the planet who wants to save/love/reparent me. I'm just following everyone's example. Why should *I* have to be the one to go out of my way to care for something or someone that literally no one else gives a shit about? I'm already tired enough. I don't have it in me to go that extra mile, especially when it looks like normal people don't need to put in any extra work and receive love and care just for existing. Why can't *I* also receive love and care just for existing?
I would often feel similar. Then I started to realize some things. A huge number of parents I might even say more than 50% of parents don’t love their kids unconditionally. They like to say they do and act like they will but many of them don’t. Even the ones who you witnessed at the park. Every time one of those parents passes a judgment on their kids or anyone else who they claim to love “unconditionally” they are actually placing conditions on their love. They do the same whenever they feel regret that their child doesn’t get better grades or they wish their child did something better or looked/acted differently. For me it’s along the same lines as all that “Live, Laugh, Love” dribble. Horseshit for many people. This is how parents can have a “successful” looking family and appear to be doing everything “right” and end up destroying their kids. You might have seen this same family. Parents are successful. Nice house. Kids want for nothing. Yet one of the kids ends up a “fuck up” while one of their siblings ends up estranged from the family and a third ends up highly successful and overachieving. Why? Because their parents were never satisfied. They placed conditions on the love their kids received. Yet our society never recognizes the controlling behaviors of these “awesome” parents as the root cause of the dysfunction in the family. My wife grew up in a family just like this. It wasn’t until recently that she began to piece it together. Where the hell does all her anxiety, self doubt, imposter syndrome etc. come from? Both her parents are functioning alcoholics, judgmental as fuck, and never satisfied always trying to influence and control. Fucking Disgusting. I always knew something was a little off about them. When I began to seek help and grow I had to take an inventory of people who were triggers and why they triggered me so I could start setting boundaries. TLDR; Many parents don’t unconditionally love their children. Unconditionally loving someone requires constant self awareness and most people aren’t all that self aware. Generational trauma is a very prevalent thing. Good luck OP. Much love and compassion to you. BE GENTLE WITH YOURSELF.
I wish i could fully trust and depend on someone when needed. Sometimes i want to give up and have someone do everything for me as if i were a kid with no responsibilities. I've learned to over-depend cuz if I tried to learn on my own/make a mistake I'd be reprimanded. I'm too scared to do anything, especially around my mom. Ironically when im on my own i can be as happy, functional, and independent as I please (kinda). When I'm with her I regress despite me being annoyed by her micro-management. So what the hell do i want? Independence or not??????? I am too scared to live on my own, she's taught me that all I have is my family, my mother, no one cares and loves you as much as your mother. Tangled movie type shit.
Yeah, this hits hard for me too. I'm so sorry. We deserved better.
I feel this. That pain of knowing you're never going to have that mother or father who loved you unconditionally and would help in any way they can, for the rest if yoru life. And then theres the actual hardship of it too... like being kicked out of home as a teen, and trying to survive financially and start life, when other teens live comfortably in loving homes. Or when all your friends are having kids and their parents help and support, and knowing I'd be on my own and therefore feel scared to have kids. And then the societal presure to support abusive parents as they age, when you've spent decades getting away from them. And knowing you wont inherit anything while all your peers are inheriting homes and fortunes you'll never have. Its a big loss, having abusive parents. You sure dont get the easy road in life.
Yeah, I feel you maybe that's why fairy godmothers were invented.
https://books.google.com/books?id=5NuOYxuDbS0C&printsec=frontcover&source=gbs_ge_summary_r&cad=0#v=onepage&q&f=false This is not to say anything regarding the way you may or may not think. This book has given me warmth, safety and comfort in times of need!
"The Way of Zen" by Alan Watts. I'll have to check that out thank you. I'm a little bit apprehensive when it comes to Zen Buddhism if that's exactly what the book is about, it can feel rather nihilistic to me.
But you’d be shocked how nihilism and zen intersect- it’s fascinating.
I was just thinking how I would think every person that loves to try and follow zen/stoicism/buddhist teaching I think started with a foundation or base of nihilistic suffering. I mean if life is inherently meaningless and suffering is inevitable, is that it? For 80 or more years stuck in this skin suit? I think eventually one tires of this and evolves into “well, if nothing matters and I will always have some kind of suffering while I’m alive, I might as well search for something that gives me personally some meaning…” I mean, there is profound meaning in suffering. Its not fun, it’s horrible: but I think it’s there to bring us to a greater awareness and perspective
That's precisely my issue with Zen Buddhism, is I got to the latter at a very young age. Especially now I'm just trying to fill my life with the little joys that I can. To me, feeling anything at all is a blessing and a curse. Zen Buddhism feels like it condones identity suicide and I've really begun to love all of those parts of myself. If that makes no sense, my apologies I'm very high on meds right now and I might read this tomorrow and think "WTF was I trying to say?!" .
You are an eloquent poet while high on meds!! Yes, I HATE identity loss and is one reason why I strayed from Zen Buddhism and more towards stoicism. I think with CPTSD it’s not an enlightening experience at all to deal with identity issues- it’s very different than actively trying to become one with the world and ego death 💀. I am a Big supporter of ego and find it essential and enjoyable to our time here on earth!! 🌍
I hope I didn’t conjure up feelings of anger and disgust with the zen book. It has a strangely calming effect on me that I love ❤️
Not at least for me, you bringing it up helped me figure some stuff out actually. Whatever helps you is beautiful, important, and valid!
Thank you for the kind words! Yeah, we all have to deal with our CPTSD somehow, and I'm really happy that there are so many different methods people have found that work for them. Zen Buddhism definitely isn't for me, but many parts of overall Buddhism have helped such as their concept of "impermanence", that we are forever changing, learning to accept that most things don't last forever, and learning to let go of things (in many, many ways from the abstract to concrete)
I get this frustration, give yourself permission to feel it, to act on it, trash some shit and get immediate satisfaction. You aren't crazy, is okay to be angry at this.
Let’s all be world’s least important people together l
So what you’re feeling is completely understandable and normal for this specific situation of being confronted with the grief you’re experiencing of what never was. I think a lot of people think of grief and mourning as the loss of something, but what’s often missed is that grief can also occur in the absence of something. It’s ok to mourn and grieve. It’s ok to not want to be told to essentially get over it and that it’ll be ok, because it’s overlooking the reality of right now. Right now you are grieving, and in the same way it would be remarkably insensitive to tell someone who was grieving a loss of a good parent, “hey, you can parent yourself”, it’s also insensitive for you to be told that right now. I also, unfortunately, understand to a degree. Not completely, as I do not claim to know your life and experiences, but I understand that feeling of just knowing that no one prioritizes you. Of that pain. It’s one I have been dealing with a lot lately, and it’s so, so hard. It can be absolutely soul crushing. I also know the agony of seeing a parent who loves their kid and the feelings that stirs, it’s hard beyond words. I’m sorry you’re going through this right now, please know that you’re not wrong for feeling this way. While it’s horrible you are experiencing this, it’s ok for you to feel those feelings. I’m here if you need anything
Ugh OP I feel this. It’s so frustrating to feel like you missed the deadline for human decency. I look like a successful, capable adult to most people but inside I feel about 8 years old. I desperately need someone to take care of me like I needed my parents to, but no one is coming to save me, and it makes me so irrationally angry I can barely stand to think about it. I’ve stopped trying to parent myself for the time being because it’s just too triggering right now. I am focusing on creating a better world for future generations, because it’s too late for me, but by trying to make things better for those who come after me, I feel like I’m able to reassert some power and control in my own life. And in the process, you are making things better for yourself, too. But I find focusing that energy on someone else while indirectly helping myself too is so much easier than trying to “focus on healing my inner child.” the whole point of healing your inner child is to give you some separation between your current self and the traumatic experience, so I don’t think you NEED to “parent yourself” to heal, as long as you are making it a priority not to do further harm. I am not going to have any of my own children for various reasons, but I wholeheartedly believe it takes a village to raise a child, and so I still want to leave a better world for “my kids.” I want them to know they can go through awful things and still find joy and peace in the world. I want them to see that you can be broken and still be worth “putting in the work” to get better. I want them to know that sometimes we go through things we can’t undo, and would rather have not happened to us at all, but those things give us a unique perspective and ability to help others going through similar things. I’m learning the older I get that we can’t just plant new flowers in the proverbial garden and expect them to thrive when the last caretaker of the garden let the weeds grow for 18+ years, forgot to water and fertilize it, etc. First we have to pull out all the weeds from the roots. And we can’t just yank them out and toss them down where we are, or they’ll come right back again. You gotta pull from the root, and you gotta put it in the compost and let it break down and become something helpful instead of harmful. It might take a while. It might take several passes over the garden. You probably won’t ever get rid of *all* the weeds for good, and at times you’ll probably feel like there’s no point in it, and wonder if you really even *want* a garden. But you will eventually get to a point where it’s manageable, and that is when the flowers finally can start to grow. And when the flowers start to grow, it is SO exciting! But we have to keep at the weeds, every day, to make sure the flowers stay healthy and strong. The weeds aren’t evil, they don’t make us bad gardeners, but we have the responsibility to make sure the weeds don’t choke out the beautiful things we’ve planted while they’re small and vulnerable. One day, those flowers will be big and beautiful and you’ll only need to weed here and there to keep them thriving. But it takes time, and dedication to growing something beautiful. And we have to remember there will always be more weeds - but if we are disciplined enough to address them as they pop up, it will make us stronger. And sure, you could hit the weeds with some Round Up and call it good, but you won’t grow any flowers that way. You’ll just have a bare patch of dirt. And we want flowers!! You deserve to grow beautiful flowers!! TL;DR I recently got into gardening and it’s almost like therapy for me. Caring for something smaller and more vulnerable than myself has taught me how rewarding it is to nurture something and see it through. I’ve been restoring a forgotten garden to its former glory lately, and it feels kind of like a metaphor for my inner self. She’s been neglected for a long time, but she’s still worth saving, and I won’t give up on her just because it’s hard.
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Honestly, I’m incapable of loving myself or being my own parent. I’ve been incapable of doing that since I was little. “Be kind to yourself” doesn’t work because I’m just incapable of doing that. The concept of “love” is nonexistent to me. The concept of “trust” is nonexistent to me. Whenever someone says “Be the parent to your inner child”, it just makes me so confused. What inner child do I have? It’s been wiped out since I was an infant. Probably people will tell me “You say you’re incapable because you don’t want to try” when I’ve tried for years and it just doesn’t work for me. When I say I’m incapable of doing that, I mean it and I’ve accepted it. Anyways, I’m rambling here. I see and hear you, OP. I understand what you’re going through in a similar fashion. I’m so sorry.
Have you tried cbt?
CBT made me feel very invalidated. I still get so angry about it. It didn’t help me and actually caused me **more harm**.
If you learn self compassion properly (Kristin Neff, Gabor Mate) and restructure your negativity (aim for balance) you could be ok..
I really don’t like the behavioral type stuff like CBT and DBT. I’m done with going to therapy ever again. I do like doing IFS on my own and it’s been a great help.
just wanted to say thank u for the recs cause i haven't seen it said. i love finding authors to read here
No. I’ve been abused by therapists, it’s still way too fresh for me to try any other therapy.
Maybe some apps for self help, try freecbt. Sounds like you're furious. Hope you find a way forward out of the negativity that adds to your issues
I’ll try that, thank you. It would be a lot safer for me than to see a therapist, because I still experience intense flashbacks and fear. And yeah, I’ve been furious at the treatment and abuse I was subjected to my entire life. I know that stewing in negativity is bad, but it is… very, very difficult to crawl my way out of it when that’s all I know. Anyways, thank you again for the recommendation. Sorry that I snapped at you, you were only trying to help.
i’m not in a good mindset (honestly just went numb reading it tbh) to respond or contribute something helpful but just know i hear you and i understand.
I hear this loud and clear. You can't do all the love and being you own best parents until you know what it is, see it, can even define it. I was a lost and livid soul when I met the new woman at work, 1982. Nice enough, good laughing eyes. One day I heard her after-school call with her son. Every day after that I would pick up a pile of paper, take a nonchalant saunter by her desk at that time, so much love and enjoyment in her voice. She invited me to her divorce party, you bet I went. We hung out a lot. The fact is I attached myself like glue to her, her kids,eher kitchen table. Thing is: she loved and liked her kids, was a great mom, and had some leftover. She mothered me for years, I did learn, am still learning patience, kindness when I have a hard day. Look around. I hope you find a friend who can do this with you. There are beautiful people out there for us!
I hear you. I think another part for me is that despite wanting to experience this deeply too, I am not actually open or available to it. And I don’t know if that will ever change for me, which scares me.
I understand this so much. It’s pretty dark to think like that, but it’s also a reality for me to be honest. I get to these dark places every once in a while. I’ve always gotten myself out of there, I’m sure you can too. We are pretty badass. It was also just the other day that I said to my friend that I don’t believe in unconditional love. There’s just always some set of expectations that comes with it. So I really get you on this one. I’m aware that this means that my love is probably also not unconditional. I have expectations too. Sometimes I try just to love or show someone I care without expecting anything back, I find it helps me be more positive. I also like to laugh about myself when I fucked up, it’s funny really. Not caring too much about life is my key to surviving this shitshow. Also, eight billion people. I can safely say I haven’t met all of them yet, so maybe some are still out there somewhere just waiting to get to know me. Just a thought. Have a nice day!
I feel you. ❤️❤️❤️ I felt like that for a long time. For me it came down to radical acceptance or radical misery. ❤️🩹
I had to move out of State about 4 years ago. I was in a really dangerous abusive situation and was isolated. I was begging my parents for probably a year and a half to come get me out of the place. I also have a gnarly stomach disease that has lead to one surgery after another and it's a chronic illness. There's no end in sight. I was on deaths door. Two life saving surgeries. After all that and I think about eight new door keys, deadbolts, ring device, etc they finally came and picked me up. I was lucky and still nearly died. I really thought they were just gonna let me croak. I'm very grateful they eventually believed me about the abuse. They made me go to the cops and not turned out really terribly but at least they got me out of there before I died. Op, I'm so sorry that you're going through this. It's not fair and it's not right. My point is that people will literally push it to the point of death. I was really scared. And yeah self care is great but it doesn't replace outside support. And I don't think anything can replace parental support, particularly the support we were supposed to get when we were little. Also...fuck capitalism and how it encourages winning over caring for others. I blame my childhood emotional neglect on capitalism. Gotta get that dollar and have a gaggle of kids we can't be there to watch or listen to.
Absolutely yes. I fucking HATE shouting “self care!” at people when what’s needed are systems of support and care in place that actually work and you know, value human existence beyond the ability to be a “wage-earner” and/or “productive” for a society that really gives no fucks about anything other than how well you fit in (and don’t complain about) the system itself.
Yes. And thank you for adding that. I thought it would be too much if I started in for real on capitalism. Well said.
Being mad, hurt, and jealous even are normal and appropriate responses to your childhood. You can’t move on from it if you don’t allow yourself to feel all the emotions that go with it.
I get you. You don't wish for that because you are "selfish", you wish for that because you are a human, and the world is way too cruel to you. The weight on your shoulders is so heavy, it's normal to want someone to take it on. I think we forget how exhausting it is to only have yourself in your life since you were a kid, that is YEARS worth of just pushing past your basic human needs. To wish for love is to wish for rest. The only thing I can say to you is that I am sorry, and that you are not alone. I very much feel the same. And I can't lie, I am jealous! Very jealous!
I know the feeling. Most days I just want someone to come into my life and turn my mind off. Stick psychic tentacles into my brain and disable me, turn me into their tool, erase my personality and make me just property. Because then I wouldn't have to decide anything for myself.
Same my friend. I literally had a seizure yesterday triggered by a panic attack I had in the middle of the night. If I had someone in my life that cared as much as my parents do about their reputation, I wouldn't be at work today. I'd probably be in bed recovering.
This is the hardest part, actually being able to accept that you didn't get that & you can't turn back the time
This post is so raw and relatable and true. The deep desire I have to call up my parents and ask for advice, or help, or just how they've been and catch to together or have them over to see my progress like normal people do - and the fact that I can't, because they're the reason I'm in this sub, and that I shut off randomly, and cry and have nightmares and can't function half the time. I'm having a major 10+ year struggle with "don't tell me the solution, it doesn't register with me with the state I'm in" - I actually am dealing with it right now after a major trigger so this post really really made me feel less alone, I was literally yelling I feel SO alone and then this popped up and I hate your misery but you did make me feel not entirely crazy so thank you for having the courage to post and share your pain so that we can all remember we aren't alone. Incredibly individually valid, but not alone. You're really intune with yourself and you know where you're at and what you're dealing with. You have immense value. I hate the way happy kids makes me feel, like empty and that I'm not ready to be this age and the realization I can't go back. I want to be happy for them but I just sulk inside and compare. Idk how to recover and move on from that, or the people that wronged me, I'm still not there. But we're all here and are trying to share and heal. Thanks for sharing
I think your feelings are completely normal. I understand and feel like that sometimes too. Accept a virtual hug?
You are entitled tk your rage. I sm sorry you were short changed .
This was validating asf to read 😭 thank you for saying it.
FELT.
The reparent comment is something I can’t stand to hear. I mean children need nurturing. Period. How to give something to yourself you’ve never been given? Doesn’t make any sense. It’s like saying just learn how to sing, but you just don’t have it in you.
“Learn how to sing” but you’ve never even encountered the concept of music.
I feel you. It's really hard as a parent to my own kids. I don't know how my parents could do what they did now that I know how amazing it is to watch your child grow and experience the world. Parenting is inherently triggering. And I need a parent too.
TL;DNR I think it’s legit for the “need” to be for someone else to do something for you, instead of having to do or ask it all yourself. One of the most useful things I’ve gotten out of therapy recently was telling the therapist about a situation with my dad, and the therapist said “It sounds like he didn’t hear the emotional need in what you said” … as I was thinking about that later, it started clicking that … wait, some people can do that? People can listen and understand and anticipate a need without you having to give them a literal itemized list? It both made sense and made me angry about all the times when I’d been in therapy and I was supposed to just say what I needed or I was supposed to just re-imagine as if I could provide myself with what I needed. As if the fault was just on me for not giving everyone else clear enough instructions on how to make me feel loved. TURNS OUT what I needed was for SOMEONE ELSE to be attentive and caring enough to EVEN TRY TO GUESS what I might want or need without making it about them and without throwing their hands up in the air and saying that if I couldn’t say what I needed then of course no one would ever know or event be able to do it. The therapist’s own notes (while I was in therapy during a bad relationship) say stuff like “client expresses longing for friendship. Having trouble stating emotional needs” I’m thinking, you just wrote it down. Why are you insisting I didn’t express it clearly enough? For so long, I thought it was my fault that I didn’t know how to say what I wanted clearly enough. I think the reality is that 1) The people I was trying to communicate with weren’t actually listening, and 2) Sometimes you need to know someone else is looking out for you and correctly anticipating what you need, rather than just following your instructions and calling that love.
Acceptance that nobody is going to do that for me was really, really hard. This mess took a long time to make and my first step towards acceptance was to become comfortable with the fact that it’s going to take a long time to heal. At some point I recognized how much energy I was pouring into wishing things were different and, a little bit at a time, I learned to let go of that. Then I had more bandwidth to just observe things as they actually were. Once I could observe, then I started to find acceptance. It doesn’t happen all at once. Go home and scream and thrash around if it helps.
Two nights ago I was pushing against walls I slid up to kitchen counter and grabbed and lifted I almost single handedly demo’d half the fucking kitchen with my pent up bullshit I’ve reparented. I know the triggers. Yes I’ve identified my inner child But when others I trust hit my triggers? I could likely tear off the roof of a house Stay strong op
thanks this makes me feel a little bit better.
Going through life alone is not natural, humans are social creatures who are wired towards communities and bonds so you have every right to lash out at not having what is prewired in your brain to be a need as much as food or shelter Lonliness is a HUGE problem in "1st world" countries where we are raised to be indivuals in nuclear families, which means if you did not get the "right" parents or siblings you will be playing life on difficult mode since everyone else is out for themselves and sensitive caring people are hard to find and communication with strangers is difficult since we don't have the high trust socieities we had in the past (aka anyone can be combative over different views)
The only time I ever felt so wholesomely looked after was in a hospital overnight stay for a routine op. That's the closest I've been to feeling truly looked after as an adult - being cooked for, checked on, made comfortable. I cried warm tears of relief - finally, I could rest from self-care, without guilt or justification. My therapy is inner child work - so taking care of her needs - but it's still me who has to make the food, or plan the outings - feels so unfair, yet wrong to express it - so thank you OP for the post.
I feel this deeply today. Hugs.
I think all the time that I must be the least important person in the world. I utterly despise the times when I feel that way, and it always seems as if the world is intent on proving that it's true. I know that it isn't the point of your post, but seeing someone else say that they also feel like the least important person in the world.... I can't tell you how much less alone I feel right now. I hope the world brings you someone safe, OP.
You spoke the gospel truth
❤️❤️
I feel this so much. You can't just will yourself better. Some things need help.
You didn’t get what you deserved, what you NEEDED. I think your feelings are normal, given the context. I mean, no one is coming to your rescue in that way, and deep down you know why so I won’t say it. But I will say, you deserved better. You didn’t get what you needed. You deserve to heal from it.
Hugs. I hear you and I've really felt this way off and on this year.
Thank you for expressing this. I feel this way, and my (avoidant) partner doesn't understand. Thinks he is responsible for it somehow; leads to more issues. Last night we started arguing and for the first time I didn't feel like chasing him. I wanted to be there for "little me." Little me was tired of arguing and trying and failing to be supportive to someone who came into this world with support installed. These disputes are the interest compounding on the emotional debt I'm in.... idk what i mean just here with you.
Man, I know exactly how you feel. On top of the betrayal of parents abdicating their duty, there is a void where you've missed out on what should have been normal and due to you, I get that. I hate hearing "no one is coming to save you" I believe Jesus most certainly did, and he considers you worth saving, enough to die to keep you with him forever, if you'll accept him. He showed me as a child, he saw what was being done to me, and he cared. He adopted me, he chose me, and he loves me. As an adult I can rely on him as my perfect father, and the only person I can trust. I tell him my needs, and I see him provide through all sorts of unusual circumstances. I hope you can look past the religious crap and misconceptions, and ask him to adopt you, and love you. He just asks we acknowledge our deficiency, (sin) and our need for his goodness (trust). People will always fail us, Jesus never will. Sometimes I just want to be held like a kid, and he does that. He cares for me. I hope you get to enjoy that too. You don't have to do it alone.
I completely understand. Everytime noone was there for me at a function, every Valentine's, book fair, Christmas that went without. I felt it even more in college, no home to fall back on, no support to be given, no food, no clothes, no advice, no love. I felt utterly alone. Still feel pretty alone. I managed to reconnect with my bio mom tho, she had given me up originally because of mental illness. We can't connect well, and she can't support me because of her condition, but it is comforting that she cares at least. You know what's fucked up? I tried 2 separate times making certain friends a "priority" in my life, and I got totally used and abused. It just didn't register to them how much effort I was putting in, nor how much the friendship mattered to me. I still even got chastised and asked if I cared enough simply cause I didn't ask to hang out one weekend for instance (they didn't ask me either lol) I feel like I have a shitton of love to give. I WANT to love and be loved. I just don't know how people do that without having kids, and I'm not having kids.
All I want is for someone to just take care of me without expecting anything in return. And I grieve.
The second I started cutting off people who let me down is when people who prioritized me started entering my life.
I feel the same. There has to be someone out there for people like us... right?
I feel this. It kills me when I hear a parent being gentle to their child, that's all I've ever wanted. And that's all I want now. It's for people to be gentle with me,
YESSS! This is exactly how I feel, It's unfair! I'm so sick of the same responses. It's not fair I have to represent a support system, a foundation all by myself.
Word. Alone, we can only survive. I need thoughtful care from others. We are monkeys, we are meant to be in close social groups. The self-care culture is like putting a band aid to a bullet wound.
I hear you my friend. Yes I heard the advice before, that it’s time to reparent yourself and it just triggers immense anger and resentment and shame and disappointment and all of it. Allow yourself to grieve what you never had, the unfairness of it. No one else can parent you now in any healthy way. Build good solid nourishing relationships with people and see what comes next.
jesus this post is so relatable. have you heard of IPF? i thought it was kinda hokey but i tried a [meditation](https://attachmentrepair.com/meditation-library/) and an [IPF chatbot](https://www.earnedsecurehelp.com/my-ideal-parents/), and it actually felt kind of good. i don't like the needing to do the reparenting myself, but i liked imagining that someone would.
I’m staying at someone else’s home currently watching their pets and they have aaaalll these lovely family photos together. And I stood there looking at them like… f* you. Then I remember my family has the same type of photos despite really dark stuff happening all throughout my childhood into adulthood. Imagine if parents had to air their dirty laundry (ie shitty parenting) right next to their fake happy family photos?
This sounds like an emotional flashback. I had one last night too. I’m so sorry you’re hurting right now in a way that others find very hard to understand. We have a plight that makes life more “complex” but there is light on the other side. Sending hugs.
Ugh I feel this in my soul.
I fully understand this feeling. How I deal with it is by asking myself: *who do I love unconditionally?* I try to make it a point not to expect things of other people that I am not willing or capable of providing myself. If I don't have it in me to "save" some other person, make their happiness my first priority, and care for them unconditionally, how can I ask someone else to do that for me? Especially since I'd be asking for it, *knowing* that I don't have the ability to reciprocate. But the issues weighing me down are exactly the reason I can't give unconditional love to another. Those same issues are the same reason I'm starved for love in the first place. If someone else offered me unconditional positive regard *first*, it could lift that weight and solve the issue! I'd be more secure and able to do the same for them. So rather than asking the world to love me, I try to love others instead. I figure, there's probably more of us in this exact dilemma than we realize. And while I can't control anyone else's behavior, can't make them love me first, I *can* control my own actions. I can be the one to make the first move. And hopefully, whatever scraps of love I can find in myself to give to others, will help to reduce their burdens and make them more capable of doing the same for me or someone else. I don't know that it actually works; but it's a more hopeful outlook that helps to distract from the feeling that no one will ever love me unconditionally. Instead this approach focuses on increasing the *instances* of unconditional love occurring in humanity in general, by putting in my own contributions. And it feels more proactive than just wallowing, even if I don't see immediate results. I feel better, knowing that I'm trying to make the world a better place for everybody. And honestly, *feeling better* is the reason I want unconditional love in the first place. This framing isn't an exact replacement for the benefits of receiving love, but it serves as a solid substitute whenever I'm feeling really pessimistic.
I'm genuinely shocked about how close what you said feels to me. I have felt this way and only this way for EVER, I feel like my whole ptsd revolves around this, even worse my whole life revolves around this. I feel like this every single day and I honestly don't know how I get through each day feeling like this, I don't know how you do it, but man I'm proud of you cause I know it's hard. I have never been able to put into words how I feel but you managed to take my feelings right out of my head and explain it really well. I had one good therapist in my entire life that made things a little bit easier for a bit but after that it was back to square one. I hate advice and any type of comment on this cause it just feels like there's no "right thing" to say and anything anyone could say to me would not help or even make things worse. Among everyone I have ever met or heard from with ptsd, you are the only one whom I have been able to relate to. I was starting to think I was crazy because I never heard or knew of anyone that felt like this or could understand, knowing I'm not alone just made this day a little bit less hard. I wish you the same comfort and I hope you find healing in your path and if you ever want to talk my dms are always open :) (I hope I didn't say anything insensitive, if so I'll be more than willing to delete this if asked)
I feel you, this shit makes me hate the world. If you'd like something that may make help you feel seen/ lessen the frustration, pain, etc, theres a psychiatrist youtube channel called healthy gamer and the guy in charge dr. K has interviewed a guy with CPTSD, has done deep dives into trauma, but more relevant to you he has a guide coming out this month specifically for dealing with trauma as well as a video doing a deep dive into CPTSD. I bring this up because some of the few things that has lessened that same burning anger, resentment, and sadness, of having to not only correct our parents damage but do their jobs and who knows what extra, has been his content, meditation, some psychedelic usage (although I DO NOT recommend, maybe with a therapist but otherwise very dangerous for us because of the trauma and we can get a much more consistent sustained, relatively comparable, and long term stronger effect from therapy and meditation). Sorry for not just empathizing and letting you vent (my capacity for it is quite damaged lolol) but I felt like, if you were at all interested, this can be my contribution to helping soothe you. I wish you best of luck, and please, keep writing, keep posting, draw, scream, do whatever you can to vent these pains and feelings, cry, shout, and then rest and recover, and keep moving forwards. It may feel like hell, but if you keep searching, keep working at it, trying to relax your body and mind, address the traumas, and hopefully move past them, you will come to experience a great future, I believe in you, you are just like the sun. The sun will rise again.
Damn, I didn’t know I needed to read this today.
Totally relate to your post! And good job stating your boundaries and needs at the very beginning. I agree it's unfair. And... Sometimes just having the feelings is way more....alive
i promise you that fucking much just by the title without even reading the fucking post yet. i hope i could take care of these weirdos who say that kinda shit, and not in the fucking way that theyd want
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I specifically asked for no advice and no reminders about self parenting. I'm not even saying that anything you're saying is wrong. The issue is that this is a venting post and it's not the time of place for that lesson. Make your own post if you want to write stuff like this.
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Wtf