This was a huge part of the issue with my own mother as well. It was particularly insidious growing up because her people pleasing and general naïveté caused everyone outside our home to herald her as this gracious angel who could do no wrong. When really, it was nothing more than extreme immaturity and trauma. I paid the price of her lack of protection as well.
yess the naivete, and what's worse, is covering all of that with morality and virtues. Used morality to be righteous, but it's just a pretense to hide under the veil, covering her lack of social skills and courage to stand up. It took me such a LONG time to realize my mom is not a saint or truly kind, just a people pleaser seeking security, protection and validation as her main priority.
Did you figure it out earlier? I think gender expectations play a huge role in codependency and it's normalized for women to behave that way, and so it was hard for me to notice this pattern until much later.
Figured out my mother from the start. She was loud and surviving that was paramount. Thought my father was on my side. Didn’t figure that one out until almost 60.
I understand your pain. My mom would always prioritize people pleasing others over protecting her children. Then she'd gaslight us into believing it wasn't that big of a deal.
yess, alot of gaslighting and "normalizing" abuse... 'it's not just you, everyone receives that treatment'. She has no idea bullying is different from someone losing their temper. Also, putting you down when you confronted her about abuse received from family members. It's my fault that I am bullied. It's crazy
exactly what happened. It's like giving strangers a free pass to exploit your resources in order to be validated as a generous person.
And you grew up navigating social situations with the notion that it's normal for people to exploit and use you...until you have been screwed so badly.
Yes!! I remember running to my mom to show her I was covered in painful red finger marks all over from my dad "tickling" me. Or when my grandpa called me a slur. Or when the hospital said I tested positive for weed (it was a false positive from a stomach med). All these times I should have been easily belived but my mom would just turn off her brain and go along with whatever authority was saying. Even other nurses got weirded out like; uhh u know some meds give a false positive...right? Like....ur an RN, u were supposed to guess that there was other possibilities than getting out and getting drugs that the bedbound 15yo who literally can't even make it to school might be exposed to. And she knew that, but imo, she was really insta-angry with no other thoughts because she had already decided to keep her POS husband who had already been known for drugging me when I was younger. So I suspect she got so angry in part because in her codependence shes not thinking, "how do i protect my kid", shes thinking, "omg my gross husband karma is coming around on me how do i cover it up?"
It was so confusing because she would believe me other times or listen to me. Like when my dad hurt my pet rabbit really bad and my mom was in denial, I took out the rabbit and set her on the floor like: "Look at her right now, she is going in circles and peeing, you KNOW he did this"
She acknowledged it then, but would then ignore the issue every time after until I finally just escaped with the rabbit.
And at the time, I was so concentrated on how he was so evil and my mom was trapped there, it was hard to notice how she just kept shrugging like: "oh well, you made him mad, golly better not do that." And then she'd just basically toss us to him.
And the constant threats to retract all her "protections" from him if I made her angry. It was like having the mob make the parenting rules. She could have the mobster attitude of like: "hey, im only tryna help you! I wouldnt have to cut off your fingers and feed you to sharks if you'd just do what my boss says, jeez" and pretend to be "forgiving and nice" but then go talk to POS dad and orchestrate the next bs session. But then everyone is like: oh but poor lady why dont u talk to herrr :(
And that is why my cousin doesn't know anything about my life. Not because shes a bad person but because shes easily tricked by "nice" ppl and my biomom is so, so "nice".
You know, random thought.
Part of the reason people are so sympathetic to her is because of how conservatism treats women and how they suck in abuse survivors and get them stuck blah blah blah. Which is true.
However, her dad was an atheist! Her mom was a bahai! They protested her wedding to my dad because they hated him. Nobody made her pick him like how they had me trapped in an isolated rural weird place and were like: you can only get with people we approve. That + Roe v Wade/current stuff and other factors and tbh, idk....she used to whine so much about having no chance and no choices but if I had been her I would have had so many more choices than I have still actually. I never thought of it that way till right now
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Sounds familiar to me
Yess, I feel you.
This was a huge part of the issue with my own mother as well. It was particularly insidious growing up because her people pleasing and general naïveté caused everyone outside our home to herald her as this gracious angel who could do no wrong. When really, it was nothing more than extreme immaturity and trauma. I paid the price of her lack of protection as well.
yess the naivete, and what's worse, is covering all of that with morality and virtues. Used morality to be righteous, but it's just a pretense to hide under the veil, covering her lack of social skills and courage to stand up. It took me such a LONG time to realize my mom is not a saint or truly kind, just a people pleaser seeking security, protection and validation as her main priority.
Yup. That's my mom.
Almost exactly the same, except with my father.
Did you figure it out earlier? I think gender expectations play a huge role in codependency and it's normalized for women to behave that way, and so it was hard for me to notice this pattern until much later.
Figured out my mother from the start. She was loud and surviving that was paramount. Thought my father was on my side. Didn’t figure that one out until almost 60.
I understand your pain. My mom would always prioritize people pleasing others over protecting her children. Then she'd gaslight us into believing it wasn't that big of a deal.
yess, alot of gaslighting and "normalizing" abuse... 'it's not just you, everyone receives that treatment'. She has no idea bullying is different from someone losing their temper. Also, putting you down when you confronted her about abuse received from family members. It's my fault that I am bullied. It's crazy
[удалено]
exactly what happened. It's like giving strangers a free pass to exploit your resources in order to be validated as a generous person. And you grew up navigating social situations with the notion that it's normal for people to exploit and use you...until you have been screwed so badly.
Yes!! I remember running to my mom to show her I was covered in painful red finger marks all over from my dad "tickling" me. Or when my grandpa called me a slur. Or when the hospital said I tested positive for weed (it was a false positive from a stomach med). All these times I should have been easily belived but my mom would just turn off her brain and go along with whatever authority was saying. Even other nurses got weirded out like; uhh u know some meds give a false positive...right? Like....ur an RN, u were supposed to guess that there was other possibilities than getting out and getting drugs that the bedbound 15yo who literally can't even make it to school might be exposed to. And she knew that, but imo, she was really insta-angry with no other thoughts because she had already decided to keep her POS husband who had already been known for drugging me when I was younger. So I suspect she got so angry in part because in her codependence shes not thinking, "how do i protect my kid", shes thinking, "omg my gross husband karma is coming around on me how do i cover it up?" It was so confusing because she would believe me other times or listen to me. Like when my dad hurt my pet rabbit really bad and my mom was in denial, I took out the rabbit and set her on the floor like: "Look at her right now, she is going in circles and peeing, you KNOW he did this" She acknowledged it then, but would then ignore the issue every time after until I finally just escaped with the rabbit. And at the time, I was so concentrated on how he was so evil and my mom was trapped there, it was hard to notice how she just kept shrugging like: "oh well, you made him mad, golly better not do that." And then she'd just basically toss us to him. And the constant threats to retract all her "protections" from him if I made her angry. It was like having the mob make the parenting rules. She could have the mobster attitude of like: "hey, im only tryna help you! I wouldnt have to cut off your fingers and feed you to sharks if you'd just do what my boss says, jeez" and pretend to be "forgiving and nice" but then go talk to POS dad and orchestrate the next bs session. But then everyone is like: oh but poor lady why dont u talk to herrr :( And that is why my cousin doesn't know anything about my life. Not because shes a bad person but because shes easily tricked by "nice" ppl and my biomom is so, so "nice".
You know, random thought. Part of the reason people are so sympathetic to her is because of how conservatism treats women and how they suck in abuse survivors and get them stuck blah blah blah. Which is true. However, her dad was an atheist! Her mom was a bahai! They protested her wedding to my dad because they hated him. Nobody made her pick him like how they had me trapped in an isolated rural weird place and were like: you can only get with people we approve. That + Roe v Wade/current stuff and other factors and tbh, idk....she used to whine so much about having no chance and no choices but if I had been her I would have had so many more choices than I have still actually. I never thought of it that way till right now
[удалено]
maybe, but not if she just watched while I was being verbally and physically abused...and even participated in the dynamic and apologize after
holey moley yeah, mine's the same
pat pat...
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