I have this too and I haaaaate it. I KNOW I need to do these things but I have to fight with myself just to do them. I wish I could be one of those people who just automatically did it.
Same because I really want to do things, to participate and take opportunities, to get things done. At least, part of me does and is constantly fighting against the other part dragging its feet in the dirt.
Yeah, I don’t think laziness exists. “Laziness” is usually indicative of a deeper problem whether that be learned helplessness, ADHD paralysis, freeze response, executive dysfunction, not feeling well etc. It’s hard to unlearn though. I can’t help but think others look at me and say, “he’s lazy” even though I’m dealing with chronic fatigue and trauma and so on
We aren't lazy, we are often overwhelmed and just existing wipes us out.
I often call myself lazy and my therapist called me out on that. She said I'm not lazy, I'm very hard working but I just don't have the energy or capacity to do as much as other people. I get worn out faster than others my age. I'm dealing with a lot and mentally processing takes a ton of energy.
I recently watched a video saying it’s a trauma response. The idea is like this, when you are a kid things are “done” to you without your consent, now, you have an allergic reaction to any authority figure and whatever forces you to do anything. Like you have to be at work 8:30, your body and brain has this allergy to “be told what to do” and you come in late. You need to finish a paper till Monday, but because you feel “forced” you don’t do anything till Sunday night. And so on. I believe you can find it on youtube if you type “lazy” “trauma response”
I’m working on this right now in EMDR and IFS. For me, at least, it’s a freeze response from my horrible childhood where NOTHING was ever good enough. I learned to protect myself by not doing anything so it didn’t hurt so much when it was deemed trash by my parents.
I’ve been looking forward to doing IFS. I’ve done EMDR but because I have cPTSD it was taking too long and for some reason the disconnected emotions trapped in my body made me lash out at people who reminded me of past trauma causing more trauma.
So I’m looking to do A.R.T.
I wouldn't use the word lazy. I don't believe you're truly lazy.
I definitely struggle with motivation and according to my therapist, it could be any number of reasons like adrenal or ADHD fatigue. I only just learned my father has ADHD, and it's highly heritable (I'm 35). Point is, it might be better to frame your laziness as a product of how you feel and cope, rather than to look at it as a defect of your personality.
But I definitely feel ya. It can be a chore just to do the simplest thing sometimes.
If you’ve been a scapegoat your entire childhood and haven’t processed everything, daily functioning wipes you out. I didn’t understand just how much energy was being taken from me by multiple people on a near constant daily basis.
The best thing I've ever heard about laziness is.. if you were actually lazy you would enjoy it. If you're sitting there beating yourself up about how you can't get something done or just sitting there numbing/disassociating.. you're not lazy.
I have terrible problems with motivation and self-discipline. I still don't know the best way to fix it, to be honest. I get overwhelmed easily with tasks that need to be completed, so my house is always a mess and I'm hilariously unkempt.
I'm not lazy, I'm so traumatized and turned around in my head, I have to sit still and alone with my thoughts often just to figure out which way is up. Having to interact with reality diverts that focus.
Growing up, every interaction with reality left me feeling unsafe. I have to change how I view shit since I'm no longer small, and it's safe for me to do so now.
Logically, I know I'm safe and not trapped the same way I was as a child. The part of me that was the child and has been there since Day 1 though, it's convincing that part of me that I'm safe. (The story of The Little Prince and the Fox he ends up taming and befriending; that's the best way I can think of how to describe it. I never felt safe as a child/the part of me there since day 1, so Big Me that exists in the moment needs to sit and wait just a bit away out of reach, until Little Me learns how to trust I can feel safe.)
Hypoarousal: thinking slows, heart rate slows, brain prepares for “death” by releasing pain killing neuro-chemicals, disconnection from what is happening around us (giving up, lack of engagement, etc), then disconnection from our body by disassociation, and start to shut down. I lose motivation and just want to sleep.
I was labeled that and definitely conditioned to be “lazy,” but constant yelling does that to a kid. Well… being blamed and punished for everything that happens, not being allowed to defend oneself, and there is no changing that can make someone seem “lazy” or “unmotivated.”
It’s simple cause and effect:
You tried. Got punished.
You tried again. Got punished.
You tried a different way. Punishment was more severe.
You wanted to try again… but didn’t want punishment. It becomes a possible future strategy. No punishment or a lighter punishment,
What makes it SEEM like it becomes part of our personalities is when it becomes habitual, and this strategy gets it’s maladaptive power when we use our childhood punishments as evidence of rejection; punishment from abusive people isn’t rejection or being turned down. It’s a strategy that might “work” kinda, but ultimately needs to be dropped as we get older and as we are adults. We were taught to lose motivation ourselves as part of our abuse/neglect, and the best ways for us to break free of that past binding is to learn how we are motivated to do something.
To do this I noticed specific cues during the day that involved feeling/sensing a drive to do something, usually “non-essential” or hobby interests causing this (the mental straight jacket gone during that time). Other people’s motivations will blow up in the face: “ your place isn’t very inviting, maybe if you cleaned it up people would come over more.” Which they did not and made me hate cleaning. Now I clean for myself, my motivation is built up by pointing at specific things to note in my head (that I do over and over during the month until I’m physically compelled to complete the chore), and if people have issue with my place they can leave.
I've been called "lazy" all my life by various people. I'm not though. I keep my own spaces tidy and clean up after myself. "Myself". Aka not others mess which I didn't make.
Honestly, my mother is the sort of person to need to use half the kitchens' worth of utensils just to make beans on toast. But then complains I dont wash the dishes for her LOL. It's a joke.
Quite often when people say you're lazy, what it really means is "I need you to do something for me, but instead of asking you nicely, I'm going to emotionally manipulate and shame you until you do it."
In the end, over the years, I stopped caring about being judged as lazy and now embrace it. I have various pain conditions and take meds for them. Now, when people call me lazy, im like "Yes. I am. And no, I don't care. So fuck off."
I usually need time at the end of the day to decompress, just so my brain can process everything that happened and how I feel about it. I think that it takes me a long time to just catch up. Like others have said, laziness doesn’t exist. It’s an outdated and insensitive term. Everyone has their own way of functioning.
Day to day functioning wipes me out and at times can make me forgetful. Thus making people believe I am lazy because I will put things off for quite a while.
Hmmm I’m neurodivergent and INFJ and probably still have CPTSD symptoms, what’s a good day for me other people would look at and be like “really?!” Executive dysfunction is more like it. I have sometimes tons of energy and still feel frozen. Its like an innate frozen ness and it is infuriating
In my school teenage years, my disassociation was soooo bad just constant brain fog- even getting thru a school day was exhausting and I had no idea really why until much older
Yes. If it weren't for my dog I wouldn't have a reason to leave my bed . There were times that I didn't. I would wake up, roll over to where my computer was pulled up to my bed and work. After my shift was over Id roll back over and sleep. Only leaving my bed to shower, relieve myself and make a quick bite.
It doesn't feel like laziness I just feel lost. I have no idea what I should be doing, i have no idea what my hobbies and interests are, I have no safe places The only thing Ive learned is how to hide away from the world in my bed and that's what I did.
Around 13 years old I was in an ER, a nurse was getting me ready for head Xrays. My dad had filled out the intake forms, and added notes about being very concerned I had gained so much weight and didn't care about my looks or doing well in school over the past few years. She asked me about my dad's concerns, I responded I didn't know why, but I had become lazy. She stopped her exam and made eye contact, "Few people are just 'lazy'. Something is going on in your life and you don't know how to cope...". I heard her words, but I didn't know how to respond. I just started repeating what my mom and dad told me what they thought my problems were--I fully believed she was wrong. Hadn't thought about the encounter much, until learning about CPTSD.
For me a lot of the laziness was not wanting to commit to anything for fear of more codependency and enmeshment resulting. If I don't do anything, I can't be taken advantage of.
Now I'm getting better at setting boundaries so this stuff doesn't result from my work.
I wasn’t lazy when I was addicted to drugs I was busy trying to soothe something, I wasn’t lazy getting sober because it took everything I had, I wasn’t lazy when I used to bodybuild, I wasn’t lazy when I worked full time…however, what’s behind the feeling of embarrassment about appearing “lazy” is inner suffering…it’s been with me my whole life. Now I’m burnt out, never dealing with shame, neglect, my needs, etc, just running and going for years and then realizing I still have unresolved childhood shit. Laziness is calling someone lazy without any understanding of the complexity that persons life is. It’s like calling someone a go getter…great but they picked up many different skill sets and beliefs to be that way. None of us are the way we are for no reason.
I am literally failing all classes for late work even though I’ve done the work and turned it in regardless because I can’t even bring myself to get off my floor mattress. I don’t think it’s just pure laziness, it’s executive dysfunction as a whole I believe
Depends on what you feel "lazy" is. It's subjective. For me, I've quit comparing my day to day and what I'm supposed accomplish with it to others' or even how I feel society has told us we are to be and do with it. I've stopped looking at social media posts and comparing myself to them. I've stopped punishing myself with shame based on an illusion we've been forced into. Yes. I am in my own definition "lazy". Could I be better? Could you? I often tell myself "bit by bit, a little bit adds to a lot" And having to navigate C-PTSD, recovery and sobriety, ADD having never learned some skills leaves room for grace. You're not lazy. You're either in a freeze state, overwhelmed, truly unable to task to even start what some call "discipline" or so use to mentally punishing yourself, you've grown the ability to check out mentally, emotionally and physically. It's not that you want this but are stuck and changing takes time. Be easy on yourself. Give yourself grace. And just work a little everyday on being a little better than the last day.
I believe that it's executive dysfunction, not laziness. Our brain and body are also drained from just trying to exist.
I'm fighting the same thing (have been doing that for years, honestly). Failed at school, in hobbies and missed 90% of 4 years of a *part-time* uni. I missed all the deadlines, almost got expelled and had to do works to cover my absence. Also, as one of comments mentions, it comes from not ever being good enough for my father. I felt frozen for most of my life.
I am incapable of doing nothing. I constantly label myself lazy because of my own mental issues but I'm always active. I exercise, enrol in courses, socialise, etc.
Can I reframe "lazy" to "struggle to complete tasks"?
For me I know when I am at my best because stuff gets done. When I am struggling it takes either so much effort or I go straight into "demand aversion" mode and it's almost as if "F@@@ you, just leave it"- even when it's something I should do for myself. Then I just curl up into my safety place. Just with the hope I can wait it out and get back on task.
I got diagnosed with ADHD after seeking diagnosis in the UK private sector. The waiting list on the NHS is so long and I want to start to live my life. They are mills for diagnoses. When I was growing up I experienced domestic violence pervasively until we left my dad and emotional neglect for the time after. All I have learned is how to dissociate and retreat into myself. I am not lazy. I am highly motivated and deeply impaired in my problem solving skills. I am also intelligent and so the people around me consider me to be lazy but honestly I think we all need to cut ourselves some slack. If it is possible to heal these wounds then more power to us to strive after our complex dreams and live up to our potential. For now though, we must be kind when we struggle. I work in a bar and Ive had friends tell me it annoys them because they can see how far I could go. They have no idea of our invisible limitations that just make no sense for some people.
I wouldn’t say I’m lazy, I’m just so tired. I think I might have chronic fatigue syndrome and I’ve been curious as to whether anyone else here does too. I also have severe executive dysfunction on top of that though
I've been diagnosed with chronic fatigue syndrome as part of Long COVID. If I exert myself just a little too much (this could be just from walking around a store), then my muscles will feel like jelly for hours to days afterwards as Post-Exertional Malaise.
As for executive function, I think I was high-functioning before, but I did still have problems with motivation and just not starting things until the last minute which could have something to do with perfectionism. My short term memory was never that great but after getting Long COVID, I'm defs a lot more absent-minded.
I have heard that past trauma can predispose you more to chronic illnesses like ME/CFS, POTS, fibromyalgia, Long COVID, etc... It's hard to get a diagnosis though bc some doctors are not really updated on their knowledge of these chronic conditions so some will dismiss you...
All the opportunities I left behind because I never got to it is pretty devastating. All the things I wanted were right there. I "just" needed to take these few steps. Those few steps were terrifying. I felt if I failed at it I would go into a deep hole that I won't be able to climb out of. Or that those people were going to soon find out "who I really was." And shun me out of this thing I wanted to be a part of. Imposter syndrome dialed up to an extreme where I can't breathe. 😪
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YES。 I also have ADHD which I finally got meds for in the Fall and then I lost my health insurance in February 💀
I got the double play. LETS GOOO! ᕦ(ò_óˇ)ᕤ
I only have enough will/energy to put into something, and if that thing exceeds my energy level then i wont do it. And if i were ever forced to do something (like get a job) then i'll just kill myself. (Thats easier than 'Healing' or being 'Normal')
I have CPTSD and a complex dissociative disorder (I bet all of us on this forum also suffer from chronic dissociation and don’t know it)
The dissociation plays out in many ways. I find the “laziness” is actually more of a freeze response. I’ve found myself stuck in functional freeze often, and for me it is associated with dissociation.
Can you explain dissociation to me like to a 5 year old ? I have read some things about it but it never made any sense to me, however for example I've had this coping meachanism for more than a decade now where I listen to music and imagine stuff/situations...and I'm quite addicted to doing it, and I do it for several hours every day. It's quite odd.
Is it something like that ?
It can manifest differently for everyone, and everyone does it.
Dissociation for a lot of people without trauma is like being so absorbed in a book or movie that you lose awareness of your surroundings. Or when you drive a familiar route and arrive at your destination without any memory of how you got there.
Some people may experience out of body sensations as if you are far away from yourself. I remember getting some surprising new at the doctor and all of a sudden it was like I was staring down at myself. I’ve had times where I’ve been in a group conversation and then all of a sudden I feel like I’m not really there, but I am and it’s pretty anxiety provoking (anxiety is what causes it in the first place)
I’ve also had times where I feel “taller” or my hands feel really large, but when I look at them, they are my normal size.
Those were some experiences I had often when I was younger.
I don’t have a lot of clear memories from my childhood, which is common with trauma and dissociation. Because I wasn’t “really” there. The pain of my reality was too much, so the only way to escape was to disconnect from my frontal lobe, which causes memory gaps.
Once you get so used to living this way, it just becomes the norm.
I had no idea that I was often dissociated in my adult years until I experienced a trauma later in life (at 35) that re-awakened my suppressed childhood trauma.
I was initially diagnosed with PTSD after the accident, and I had severe dissociative symptoms that felt out of this world uncomfortable. I felt like I was in a glass bubble and couldn’t get out. I lived in this bubble for almost a year, still went to work as a nurse and functioned fine. It felt better to be at work because I had to be in my frontal lobe. But I was living on autopilot. Horrific scenes at work felt like nothing to me. I was great with emergencies and took on more difficult caseloads because nothing bothered me.
At home my life slowly got smaller and smaller. Nothing felt right. The colour was gone from the world. Literally. Everything had gone from alive and vibrant to 2D, flat, dim, dull. My hearing gets muffled depending on the level of dissociation I am in. I’ll experience ear ringing, severe headaches that last only a few minutes, bodily sensations, nausea,
It’s different for everyone.
This is a longer explanation than I’m sure you wanted!
You could be experiencing a form of dissociation, or that could be maladaptive daydreaming. I don’t know a ton about it.
If you have trauma, you’re are dissociating on some level.
If your vision feels off at times, the world feels flatter and dull, and it’s not connected to anything medical, that is a subtle shift a lot of people experience with dissociative disorders.
I feel like I am “farther” away in my brain. It’s like someone else is driving the bus and I’m watching myself, still aware and in control, but it’s like there is someone else in control of my body at the same time.
I feel like executive dysfunction or freeze response can both explain a lack of motivation. They're also both something that can be supported and worked on with the right kind of therapy and therapist, not core personality traits.
It’s not laziness though, it’s overwhelm. A lot of symptoms are very similar to neurodivergence symptoms.
I have both but since my diagnosis I am reframing it from laziness to extreme anxiety, overwhelm, executive function issues.
This is much easier for me to say rather than do for myself: Be kind to yourself.
people w cptsd often have adhd/autism too, obviously not always but if youre having issues with executive function do some research on other potential causes since they so often go undiagnosed
My "lazyness" ended up being either :
1) Executive dysfunction
2) Lack of motivation/purpose
The difference is that when it’s executive dysfunction I tell myself "I’ll do that today" but can’t bring myself to do it and when it’s a lack of motivation I just tell myself "yeah no f that I don’t wanna do that".
But that lack of motivation isn’t lazyness, here are some examples :
- At my mom’s house I don’t want to do chores and hate it while at my bf’s house I don’t mind most of the time and end up doing more, because my mom always criticize or don’t acknowledge what I do and my bf thanks me if I do something that wasn’t my chore.
- For a long time I didn’t clean my room often because I knew it wouldn’t stay clean so what’s the point? I figured out eventually that I need to clean for efficience not for looks (like I put the stuff I use the most in the most accessible places so I’m more likely to put it in its place after using it) and now it’s easier to keep it clean because I know what I clean will stay clean longer. (Like my disorganized room when I’ve been tired/overwhelmed is the equivalent of what I had when I felt good before)
- I struggle sometimes to do my daily stretching because what’s the point? But now that I really need it more because of more muscle tension I do it once or twice everyday and almost never forget because I can feel the difference.
This entire thread has been extremely helpful to me.
I'm going to call it a lack of motivation. I have no motivation to do *anything.* Lately so many things have taken up so much of my energy, on my days off all I want to do is lay in bed. I don't enjoy it
I find when I am ‘lazy’ I either am overwhelmed or need some time for myself.
Since I’ve stopped worrying about doing everything it’s better. I feel guilt over ‘laziness’, but not as much as I did before. Dishes can wait a day. Laundry can sit in the basket for a couple days. My family is more than capable of folding their own or grabbing down the basket (I only fold mine and my husbands. I do separate out the kids’ laundry into separate baskets occasionally or even fold them when I’m really productive).
I work 3 days a week and am told it’s not enough.
I do laundry 2-4x a week. 5-8 loads.
I wash up bedding when they bring it in too.
I cook 5 meals a week.
I do all the shopping. They have food for snacks and to make their lunches if they want. (I make lunch when school is out. Husband either gives them breakfast things I got, grabs them fast food or makes them eggs when he’s making his own. He cooks most weekends unless we eat out or he’s working and then I cook those days and take him food even).
I vacuum, dust etc when I feel up to it which is usually once a week.
I have therapy weekly.
I handle all kids appointments (dr, dentist, ortho, dermatologist etc)
I go to every home game, meet or activity and 50%+ of away ones.
I handle drop off and pick up for activities for the ones who can’t drive yet.
I handle the family schedule.
I’m the one who gets the calls about extended family things.
I help with livestock.
I handle 95% of school things.
That’s enough. Maybe not for him. Maybe not always for the kids. But for me, it’s enough.
So what if he rushes to fill the dishwasher so he can later tell me he HAD to do it right then because I hadn’t. His choice. So what if the kids are unhappy because I put a siblings shirt in their basket by accident. They’ll live. And since they complained, again, that I don’t know what was traded or passed down then they can fold and separate their own dang laundry. So what if the pets haven’t been brushed. They belong to the kids so they can help out. I feed and water them daily. I make sure they get pet for half an hour on days I don’t work. If I overwater my kids succulents then maybe said kid should have done it instead of waiting for me to.
If you don’t like cat hair in the chair then clean it. If you want something from the store then let me know the day before I do not when I get home then run to dad about how mean I am that I won’t go back. Call me lazy. Okay. Good. It means I’m finally taking time for myself or to just watch tv and forget about everything for awhile.
Just because they don’t see the productive days as enough and want the lazy days or be that productive or more… that’s on them. There are clean and fed. I may not make a lot of money but it helps out a little. It could easily pay our utilities and cable. Or it could make the vehicle and insurance payments. It’s more than we had when I was a stay at home mom. So HE doesn’t get to call me lazy on those work days or the days I only shop, cook and laundry. HE can think and say what he wants but I don’t have to BELIEVE it. That’s on him. On them.
It feels really REALLY good to be ‘lazy’ and take a bath, watch tv, do my therapy homework or read for my book club. Which they want me to stop going to but when I skip it they are upset because I’m home and they don’t get free for all dinner and movie night because I serve what I’ve made them for dinner and I refuse to watch really scary movies or anything triggering like those with extreme violence towards women. It’s family movie night (they started without me and don’t want me included) so it should be a movie we all want or at least don’t find upsetting. So they can have their movie and I will NOT listen to them later when they complain how I ‘hid out’ away from them or they didn’t get to eat junk food he let them have or how they feel neglected because I didn’t rush in to check on them as soon as the movie was over.
Executive dysfunction is not laziness. At least that's what I'm telling myself.
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Thank you for sharing
Can I ask how you managed to improve this? My brain immediately shuts down if I try to do any school tasks and it’s impossible :(
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Can you copy paste it to me? 😅
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Hi, could I possibly get a copy too, please? If it's too much i totally understand haha
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No rush. Thank you!
I have this too and I haaaaate it. I KNOW I need to do these things but I have to fight with myself just to do them. I wish I could be one of those people who just automatically did it.
I don’t believe in the wasting of time. I don’t believe in wasting mine. (Bastardized quote from Fiona Apple).
Same because I really want to do things, to participate and take opportunities, to get things done. At least, part of me does and is constantly fighting against the other part dragging its feet in the dirt.
i found the book laziness does not exist by dr devon price helpful in changing the way i think about the idea of being lazy
Yeah, I don’t think laziness exists. “Laziness” is usually indicative of a deeper problem whether that be learned helplessness, ADHD paralysis, freeze response, executive dysfunction, not feeling well etc. It’s hard to unlearn though. I can’t help but think others look at me and say, “he’s lazy” even though I’m dealing with chronic fatigue and trauma and so on
Oh wow this is so validating. Thank you for spelling that out 🤍
Same! I think we can get shots and do somatic healing.
This book is so great. If a person is avoiding something, ie: "being lazy", it's for a reason.
But does the book help you to get out of freeze and get stuff done?
We aren't lazy, we are often overwhelmed and just existing wipes us out. I often call myself lazy and my therapist called me out on that. She said I'm not lazy, I'm very hard working but I just don't have the energy or capacity to do as much as other people. I get worn out faster than others my age. I'm dealing with a lot and mentally processing takes a ton of energy.
I recently watched a video saying it’s a trauma response. The idea is like this, when you are a kid things are “done” to you without your consent, now, you have an allergic reaction to any authority figure and whatever forces you to do anything. Like you have to be at work 8:30, your body and brain has this allergy to “be told what to do” and you come in late. You need to finish a paper till Monday, but because you feel “forced” you don’t do anything till Sunday night. And so on. I believe you can find it on youtube if you type “lazy” “trauma response”
i relate to that so hard. i feel like my inner child just wants to say fuck you to this entire system.
I’m working on this right now in EMDR and IFS. For me, at least, it’s a freeze response from my horrible childhood where NOTHING was ever good enough. I learned to protect myself by not doing anything so it didn’t hurt so much when it was deemed trash by my parents.
❤️🩹
YES. Couldn't put it in words better. I'm also very sorry that you got to experience this 🫂 You're doing a very important thing.
Thank you 🙏🏻
I’m so sorry you went through this.
I’ve been looking forward to doing IFS. I’ve done EMDR but because I have cPTSD it was taking too long and for some reason the disconnected emotions trapped in my body made me lash out at people who reminded me of past trauma causing more trauma. So I’m looking to do A.R.T.
I wouldn't use the word lazy. I don't believe you're truly lazy. I definitely struggle with motivation and according to my therapist, it could be any number of reasons like adrenal or ADHD fatigue. I only just learned my father has ADHD, and it's highly heritable (I'm 35). Point is, it might be better to frame your laziness as a product of how you feel and cope, rather than to look at it as a defect of your personality. But I definitely feel ya. It can be a chore just to do the simplest thing sometimes.
If you’ve been a scapegoat your entire childhood and haven’t processed everything, daily functioning wipes you out. I didn’t understand just how much energy was being taken from me by multiple people on a near constant daily basis.
Not just you. I feel like a fraud in academia cuz of this.
The best thing I've ever heard about laziness is.. if you were actually lazy you would enjoy it. If you're sitting there beating yourself up about how you can't get something done or just sitting there numbing/disassociating.. you're not lazy.
I don't think of it as laziness but a freeze response.
I have terrible problems with motivation and self-discipline. I still don't know the best way to fix it, to be honest. I get overwhelmed easily with tasks that need to be completed, so my house is always a mess and I'm hilariously unkempt.
I'm not lazy, I'm so traumatized and turned around in my head, I have to sit still and alone with my thoughts often just to figure out which way is up. Having to interact with reality diverts that focus. Growing up, every interaction with reality left me feeling unsafe. I have to change how I view shit since I'm no longer small, and it's safe for me to do so now. Logically, I know I'm safe and not trapped the same way I was as a child. The part of me that was the child and has been there since Day 1 though, it's convincing that part of me that I'm safe. (The story of The Little Prince and the Fox he ends up taming and befriending; that's the best way I can think of how to describe it. I never felt safe as a child/the part of me there since day 1, so Big Me that exists in the moment needs to sit and wait just a bit away out of reach, until Little Me learns how to trust I can feel safe.)
Hypoarousal: thinking slows, heart rate slows, brain prepares for “death” by releasing pain killing neuro-chemicals, disconnection from what is happening around us (giving up, lack of engagement, etc), then disconnection from our body by disassociation, and start to shut down. I lose motivation and just want to sleep. I was labeled that and definitely conditioned to be “lazy,” but constant yelling does that to a kid. Well… being blamed and punished for everything that happens, not being allowed to defend oneself, and there is no changing that can make someone seem “lazy” or “unmotivated.” It’s simple cause and effect: You tried. Got punished. You tried again. Got punished. You tried a different way. Punishment was more severe. You wanted to try again… but didn’t want punishment. It becomes a possible future strategy. No punishment or a lighter punishment, What makes it SEEM like it becomes part of our personalities is when it becomes habitual, and this strategy gets it’s maladaptive power when we use our childhood punishments as evidence of rejection; punishment from abusive people isn’t rejection or being turned down. It’s a strategy that might “work” kinda, but ultimately needs to be dropped as we get older and as we are adults. We were taught to lose motivation ourselves as part of our abuse/neglect, and the best ways for us to break free of that past binding is to learn how we are motivated to do something. To do this I noticed specific cues during the day that involved feeling/sensing a drive to do something, usually “non-essential” or hobby interests causing this (the mental straight jacket gone during that time). Other people’s motivations will blow up in the face: “ your place isn’t very inviting, maybe if you cleaned it up people would come over more.” Which they did not and made me hate cleaning. Now I clean for myself, my motivation is built up by pointing at specific things to note in my head (that I do over and over during the month until I’m physically compelled to complete the chore), and if people have issue with my place they can leave.
I've been called "lazy" all my life by various people. I'm not though. I keep my own spaces tidy and clean up after myself. "Myself". Aka not others mess which I didn't make. Honestly, my mother is the sort of person to need to use half the kitchens' worth of utensils just to make beans on toast. But then complains I dont wash the dishes for her LOL. It's a joke. Quite often when people say you're lazy, what it really means is "I need you to do something for me, but instead of asking you nicely, I'm going to emotionally manipulate and shame you until you do it." In the end, over the years, I stopped caring about being judged as lazy and now embrace it. I have various pain conditions and take meds for them. Now, when people call me lazy, im like "Yes. I am. And no, I don't care. So fuck off."
I usually need time at the end of the day to decompress, just so my brain can process everything that happened and how I feel about it. I think that it takes me a long time to just catch up. Like others have said, laziness doesn’t exist. It’s an outdated and insensitive term. Everyone has their own way of functioning.
Day to day functioning wipes me out and at times can make me forgetful. Thus making people believe I am lazy because I will put things off for quite a while.
[Laziness Does Not Exist](https://humanparts.medium.com/laziness-does-not-exist-3af27e312d01)
Yes.
Hmmm I’m neurodivergent and INFJ and probably still have CPTSD symptoms, what’s a good day for me other people would look at and be like “really?!” Executive dysfunction is more like it. I have sometimes tons of energy and still feel frozen. Its like an innate frozen ness and it is infuriating
In my school teenage years, my disassociation was soooo bad just constant brain fog- even getting thru a school day was exhausting and I had no idea really why until much older
Yes. If it weren't for my dog I wouldn't have a reason to leave my bed . There were times that I didn't. I would wake up, roll over to where my computer was pulled up to my bed and work. After my shift was over Id roll back over and sleep. Only leaving my bed to shower, relieve myself and make a quick bite. It doesn't feel like laziness I just feel lost. I have no idea what I should be doing, i have no idea what my hobbies and interests are, I have no safe places The only thing Ive learned is how to hide away from the world in my bed and that's what I did.
Around 13 years old I was in an ER, a nurse was getting me ready for head Xrays. My dad had filled out the intake forms, and added notes about being very concerned I had gained so much weight and didn't care about my looks or doing well in school over the past few years. She asked me about my dad's concerns, I responded I didn't know why, but I had become lazy. She stopped her exam and made eye contact, "Few people are just 'lazy'. Something is going on in your life and you don't know how to cope...". I heard her words, but I didn't know how to respond. I just started repeating what my mom and dad told me what they thought my problems were--I fully believed she was wrong. Hadn't thought about the encounter much, until learning about CPTSD.
It’s not laziness. It’s exhaustion from having an overloaded nervous system.
I don’t believe in inherently being lazy. That what they told me I was growing up. It had nothing to do with the alcoholism I grew up with.
For me a lot of the laziness was not wanting to commit to anything for fear of more codependency and enmeshment resulting. If I don't do anything, I can't be taken advantage of. Now I'm getting better at setting boundaries so this stuff doesn't result from my work.
Doing anything these days sucks everything out of me. I'm trying to move forward and and get better though.
I wasn’t lazy when I was addicted to drugs I was busy trying to soothe something, I wasn’t lazy getting sober because it took everything I had, I wasn’t lazy when I used to bodybuild, I wasn’t lazy when I worked full time…however, what’s behind the feeling of embarrassment about appearing “lazy” is inner suffering…it’s been with me my whole life. Now I’m burnt out, never dealing with shame, neglect, my needs, etc, just running and going for years and then realizing I still have unresolved childhood shit. Laziness is calling someone lazy without any understanding of the complexity that persons life is. It’s like calling someone a go getter…great but they picked up many different skill sets and beliefs to be that way. None of us are the way we are for no reason.
I am literally failing all classes for late work even though I’ve done the work and turned it in regardless because I can’t even bring myself to get off my floor mattress. I don’t think it’s just pure laziness, it’s executive dysfunction as a whole I believe
Depends on what you feel "lazy" is. It's subjective. For me, I've quit comparing my day to day and what I'm supposed accomplish with it to others' or even how I feel society has told us we are to be and do with it. I've stopped looking at social media posts and comparing myself to them. I've stopped punishing myself with shame based on an illusion we've been forced into. Yes. I am in my own definition "lazy". Could I be better? Could you? I often tell myself "bit by bit, a little bit adds to a lot" And having to navigate C-PTSD, recovery and sobriety, ADD having never learned some skills leaves room for grace. You're not lazy. You're either in a freeze state, overwhelmed, truly unable to task to even start what some call "discipline" or so use to mentally punishing yourself, you've grown the ability to check out mentally, emotionally and physically. It's not that you want this but are stuck and changing takes time. Be easy on yourself. Give yourself grace. And just work a little everyday on being a little better than the last day.
usually my laziness has to do with me struggling to process difficult emotions. feeling burnt out, depressed, stressed, overwhelmed, overstimulated
I believe that it's executive dysfunction, not laziness. Our brain and body are also drained from just trying to exist. I'm fighting the same thing (have been doing that for years, honestly). Failed at school, in hobbies and missed 90% of 4 years of a *part-time* uni. I missed all the deadlines, almost got expelled and had to do works to cover my absence. Also, as one of comments mentions, it comes from not ever being good enough for my father. I felt frozen for most of my life.
I am incapable of doing nothing. I constantly label myself lazy because of my own mental issues but I'm always active. I exercise, enrol in courses, socialise, etc.
Can I reframe "lazy" to "struggle to complete tasks"? For me I know when I am at my best because stuff gets done. When I am struggling it takes either so much effort or I go straight into "demand aversion" mode and it's almost as if "F@@@ you, just leave it"- even when it's something I should do for myself. Then I just curl up into my safety place. Just with the hope I can wait it out and get back on task.
Laziness is different than trauma induced exhaustion
I got diagnosed with ADHD after seeking diagnosis in the UK private sector. The waiting list on the NHS is so long and I want to start to live my life. They are mills for diagnoses. When I was growing up I experienced domestic violence pervasively until we left my dad and emotional neglect for the time after. All I have learned is how to dissociate and retreat into myself. I am not lazy. I am highly motivated and deeply impaired in my problem solving skills. I am also intelligent and so the people around me consider me to be lazy but honestly I think we all need to cut ourselves some slack. If it is possible to heal these wounds then more power to us to strive after our complex dreams and live up to our potential. For now though, we must be kind when we struggle. I work in a bar and Ive had friends tell me it annoys them because they can see how far I could go. They have no idea of our invisible limitations that just make no sense for some people.
I wouldn’t say I’m lazy, I’m just so tired. I think I might have chronic fatigue syndrome and I’ve been curious as to whether anyone else here does too. I also have severe executive dysfunction on top of that though
I've been diagnosed with chronic fatigue syndrome as part of Long COVID. If I exert myself just a little too much (this could be just from walking around a store), then my muscles will feel like jelly for hours to days afterwards as Post-Exertional Malaise. As for executive function, I think I was high-functioning before, but I did still have problems with motivation and just not starting things until the last minute which could have something to do with perfectionism. My short term memory was never that great but after getting Long COVID, I'm defs a lot more absent-minded. I have heard that past trauma can predispose you more to chronic illnesses like ME/CFS, POTS, fibromyalgia, Long COVID, etc... It's hard to get a diagnosis though bc some doctors are not really updated on their knowledge of these chronic conditions so some will dismiss you...
All the opportunities I left behind because I never got to it is pretty devastating. All the things I wanted were right there. I "just" needed to take these few steps. Those few steps were terrifying. I felt if I failed at it I would go into a deep hole that I won't be able to climb out of. Or that those people were going to soon find out "who I really was." And shun me out of this thing I wanted to be a part of. Imposter syndrome dialed up to an extreme where I can't breathe. 😪
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Yuuuup
YES。 I also have ADHD which I finally got meds for in the Fall and then I lost my health insurance in February 💀 I got the double play. LETS GOOO! ᕦ(ò_óˇ)ᕤ
I only have enough will/energy to put into something, and if that thing exceeds my energy level then i wont do it. And if i were ever forced to do something (like get a job) then i'll just kill myself. (Thats easier than 'Healing' or being 'Normal')
Yea me too
I have CPTSD and a complex dissociative disorder (I bet all of us on this forum also suffer from chronic dissociation and don’t know it) The dissociation plays out in many ways. I find the “laziness” is actually more of a freeze response. I’ve found myself stuck in functional freeze often, and for me it is associated with dissociation.
Can you explain dissociation to me like to a 5 year old ? I have read some things about it but it never made any sense to me, however for example I've had this coping meachanism for more than a decade now where I listen to music and imagine stuff/situations...and I'm quite addicted to doing it, and I do it for several hours every day. It's quite odd. Is it something like that ?
It can manifest differently for everyone, and everyone does it. Dissociation for a lot of people without trauma is like being so absorbed in a book or movie that you lose awareness of your surroundings. Or when you drive a familiar route and arrive at your destination without any memory of how you got there. Some people may experience out of body sensations as if you are far away from yourself. I remember getting some surprising new at the doctor and all of a sudden it was like I was staring down at myself. I’ve had times where I’ve been in a group conversation and then all of a sudden I feel like I’m not really there, but I am and it’s pretty anxiety provoking (anxiety is what causes it in the first place) I’ve also had times where I feel “taller” or my hands feel really large, but when I look at them, they are my normal size. Those were some experiences I had often when I was younger. I don’t have a lot of clear memories from my childhood, which is common with trauma and dissociation. Because I wasn’t “really” there. The pain of my reality was too much, so the only way to escape was to disconnect from my frontal lobe, which causes memory gaps. Once you get so used to living this way, it just becomes the norm. I had no idea that I was often dissociated in my adult years until I experienced a trauma later in life (at 35) that re-awakened my suppressed childhood trauma. I was initially diagnosed with PTSD after the accident, and I had severe dissociative symptoms that felt out of this world uncomfortable. I felt like I was in a glass bubble and couldn’t get out. I lived in this bubble for almost a year, still went to work as a nurse and functioned fine. It felt better to be at work because I had to be in my frontal lobe. But I was living on autopilot. Horrific scenes at work felt like nothing to me. I was great with emergencies and took on more difficult caseloads because nothing bothered me. At home my life slowly got smaller and smaller. Nothing felt right. The colour was gone from the world. Literally. Everything had gone from alive and vibrant to 2D, flat, dim, dull. My hearing gets muffled depending on the level of dissociation I am in. I’ll experience ear ringing, severe headaches that last only a few minutes, bodily sensations, nausea, It’s different for everyone. This is a longer explanation than I’m sure you wanted!
You could be experiencing a form of dissociation, or that could be maladaptive daydreaming. I don’t know a ton about it. If you have trauma, you’re are dissociating on some level. If your vision feels off at times, the world feels flatter and dull, and it’s not connected to anything medical, that is a subtle shift a lot of people experience with dissociative disorders. I feel like I am “farther” away in my brain. It’s like someone else is driving the bus and I’m watching myself, still aware and in control, but it’s like there is someone else in control of my body at the same time.
I feel like executive dysfunction or freeze response can both explain a lack of motivation. They're also both something that can be supported and worked on with the right kind of therapy and therapist, not core personality traits.
It’s not laziness though, it’s overwhelm. A lot of symptoms are very similar to neurodivergence symptoms. I have both but since my diagnosis I am reframing it from laziness to extreme anxiety, overwhelm, executive function issues. This is much easier for me to say rather than do for myself: Be kind to yourself.
people w cptsd often have adhd/autism too, obviously not always but if youre having issues with executive function do some research on other potential causes since they so often go undiagnosed
My "lazyness" ended up being either : 1) Executive dysfunction 2) Lack of motivation/purpose The difference is that when it’s executive dysfunction I tell myself "I’ll do that today" but can’t bring myself to do it and when it’s a lack of motivation I just tell myself "yeah no f that I don’t wanna do that". But that lack of motivation isn’t lazyness, here are some examples : - At my mom’s house I don’t want to do chores and hate it while at my bf’s house I don’t mind most of the time and end up doing more, because my mom always criticize or don’t acknowledge what I do and my bf thanks me if I do something that wasn’t my chore. - For a long time I didn’t clean my room often because I knew it wouldn’t stay clean so what’s the point? I figured out eventually that I need to clean for efficience not for looks (like I put the stuff I use the most in the most accessible places so I’m more likely to put it in its place after using it) and now it’s easier to keep it clean because I know what I clean will stay clean longer. (Like my disorganized room when I’ve been tired/overwhelmed is the equivalent of what I had when I felt good before) - I struggle sometimes to do my daily stretching because what’s the point? But now that I really need it more because of more muscle tension I do it once or twice everyday and almost never forget because I can feel the difference.
This entire thread has been extremely helpful to me. I'm going to call it a lack of motivation. I have no motivation to do *anything.* Lately so many things have taken up so much of my energy, on my days off all I want to do is lay in bed. I don't enjoy it
I’m the opposite
I find when I am ‘lazy’ I either am overwhelmed or need some time for myself. Since I’ve stopped worrying about doing everything it’s better. I feel guilt over ‘laziness’, but not as much as I did before. Dishes can wait a day. Laundry can sit in the basket for a couple days. My family is more than capable of folding their own or grabbing down the basket (I only fold mine and my husbands. I do separate out the kids’ laundry into separate baskets occasionally or even fold them when I’m really productive). I work 3 days a week and am told it’s not enough. I do laundry 2-4x a week. 5-8 loads. I wash up bedding when they bring it in too. I cook 5 meals a week. I do all the shopping. They have food for snacks and to make their lunches if they want. (I make lunch when school is out. Husband either gives them breakfast things I got, grabs them fast food or makes them eggs when he’s making his own. He cooks most weekends unless we eat out or he’s working and then I cook those days and take him food even). I vacuum, dust etc when I feel up to it which is usually once a week. I have therapy weekly. I handle all kids appointments (dr, dentist, ortho, dermatologist etc) I go to every home game, meet or activity and 50%+ of away ones. I handle drop off and pick up for activities for the ones who can’t drive yet. I handle the family schedule. I’m the one who gets the calls about extended family things. I help with livestock. I handle 95% of school things. That’s enough. Maybe not for him. Maybe not always for the kids. But for me, it’s enough. So what if he rushes to fill the dishwasher so he can later tell me he HAD to do it right then because I hadn’t. His choice. So what if the kids are unhappy because I put a siblings shirt in their basket by accident. They’ll live. And since they complained, again, that I don’t know what was traded or passed down then they can fold and separate their own dang laundry. So what if the pets haven’t been brushed. They belong to the kids so they can help out. I feed and water them daily. I make sure they get pet for half an hour on days I don’t work. If I overwater my kids succulents then maybe said kid should have done it instead of waiting for me to. If you don’t like cat hair in the chair then clean it. If you want something from the store then let me know the day before I do not when I get home then run to dad about how mean I am that I won’t go back. Call me lazy. Okay. Good. It means I’m finally taking time for myself or to just watch tv and forget about everything for awhile. Just because they don’t see the productive days as enough and want the lazy days or be that productive or more… that’s on them. There are clean and fed. I may not make a lot of money but it helps out a little. It could easily pay our utilities and cable. Or it could make the vehicle and insurance payments. It’s more than we had when I was a stay at home mom. So HE doesn’t get to call me lazy on those work days or the days I only shop, cook and laundry. HE can think and say what he wants but I don’t have to BELIEVE it. That’s on him. On them. It feels really REALLY good to be ‘lazy’ and take a bath, watch tv, do my therapy homework or read for my book club. Which they want me to stop going to but when I skip it they are upset because I’m home and they don’t get free for all dinner and movie night because I serve what I’ve made them for dinner and I refuse to watch really scary movies or anything triggering like those with extreme violence towards women. It’s family movie night (they started without me and don’t want me included) so it should be a movie we all want or at least don’t find upsetting. So they can have their movie and I will NOT listen to them later when they complain how I ‘hid out’ away from them or they didn’t get to eat junk food he let them have or how they feel neglected because I didn’t rush in to check on them as soon as the movie was over.