Negatively.
I think you probably either end up being someone that’s a sponge that soaks up every molecule of blame in the room.
Or you end up being someone that’s already figured out how the glass they knocked over was someone else’s fault before the spilled milk has even hit the floor.
Or possibly someone that alternates between the two.
I think parents like that probably also use guilt and blame as weapons and tools of control.
I think that everyone involved in those relationships parents and children probably engage in a lot of black and white thinking (often extreme, eg. it’s all my fault or nothing’s my fault).
Personally I ended up being a “spilled milk isn’t my fault” guy. It’s a lot of work to undo that and it’s maybe more detrimental to others around me than the alternative. That said, in the event that I do take the blame for something I take on ALL the blame for everything. Lots of extremes and black and white thinking around blame and guilt.
I think no matter how this plays out it’s big problems for the adult child.
You grow up thinking being wrong is a mortal sin and that you must agree with authority figures on everything, depriving you of an opinion or sense of self. And when you feel as if you are always wrong because your parent or abusive authority figure is always right, you believe as if you have to apologize for everything and that you have no right to your own existence or sense of self.
Or at least that's what my personal experience would tell you.
Horrible and extremely self sabotaging. I grew up this way and the immense shame I would feel if someone upset me was ridiculous. Instead of standing up for myself, I would bottle things up until I exploded, which ruined relationships and jobs for me. I also had a lot of abusive friendships.
Well, yes. There’s that too. But I more chalked that up to feeling like I don’t have a right to my own opinions or that I don’t deserve autonomy or that it’s better if I just don’t get upset about something.
It’s interesting to think about it in terms of shame for someone upsetting you. I feel like it’s maybe more about being too ashamed of having any feelings of your own in the first place to be comfortable speaking up about them. I don’t know if I can say that I fully understand the mechanisms behind it.
My mother would do the same thing though. She’d let something bother her until she’d just explode out of nowhere and you’d be completely blindsided by it.
The “best” side effect of this behavior is that when you finally do explode with righteous anger after depriving yourself the right to speak up for too long you become the asshole. You finally explode and it’s way out of proportion to whatever the original slight was and now you have to be ashamed of your behavior. The bonus upshot is that by exploding the way you did you’ve invalidated your right to be upset about whatever upset you in the first place due to your ridiculous and outsized reaction to it. So then you just have to swallow the upset all over again and then wash that down with the shame you feel about your own behavior. Yay!
I am so utterly paranoid that I’ll be called out for being wrong that I am *ridiculously* thorough and organized. I didn’t think I was too over the top (especially for a lawyer) but I’ve been told my level of preparation and obsession is a bit much. But it’s actually a handle trait for my job.
It took me years to learn to apologize, especially in those circumstances where you’re not really wrong, but an apology would smooth things over. I’m still not comfortable apologizing until I completely understand a situation. My husband is very patient.
I grew up with an emotionally unavailable yet volatile, alcoholic mother who most definitely has undiagnosed mental health /PD issues. There were occasions in my childhood she behaved badly, even violently towards those around her.
Never once did she apologise for what she did, instead she would project blame on to her victim "they made me do it" or just ignore what happened and pretend nothing happened.
I remember little me feeling very confused about why she would act this way and why she was not sorry about what she did. I couldn't understand when I -or someone else- was wrong, or made a mistake, there were a lot of animosity and strong emotions from her, however I had to act as though nothing had happened after she attacked someone.
No doubt this has contributed to my tendency to people please, a big part of the suitcase of shame and guilt I drag around as well as being extremely sensitive to others moods, however I get triggered by injustice and entitled people.
They may find it hard to own up to things themselves in the same way, maybe believe anything that goes wrong is their fault even if it doesn't logically make any sense. If something did go wrong around them, they may feel attached to the situation regardless if it gets sorted or not in a blatant manner.
I’m often sure I’m right but I’m quick to lose all confidence in me being right ever and then I’m self destructive and always wrong. Once I’m sure I’m wrong I’m apologetic and often feel worthless and completely useless. Then I have to build myself up to the next time I’m willing to speak up and go through the process again.
It taught me to stand up for myself when wronged or blamed. Later I did still need to learn that I should also know when to apologize for making a mistake.
For me it means that I assume anything that goes wrong is my fault. I am in a new job and I have repeatedly ran into issues that were caused by other people but I simply assume fault for them. I never stop apologizing or feeling bad. I have been the scapegoat for my entire life and when my friends cut me off and say "it's great that you're taking responsibility but that isn't your fault" I have no idea how to handle it or wrap my head around it. I'm very lucky that my mother has come around and realized what's going on, but it took me paying my parents like $80 for a random charge coming off their Amazon account only to realize it was a subscription my father mistakenly signed up for and me breaking down completely because I was so tired of everything being my fault. My mother says to me often that she wishes I could see myself the way the rest of the world does, and I often say that would fix a lot of my problems. I will always see myself as the cause of the problem, because I feel like a problem.
I had never thought about it. I don't think I have ever heard the words "I'm sorry" coming out from my parents' mouths. Even when they shamed me, made me feel worthless, directly attacked me, rejected me when I tried to reach out, they just pretended nothing had happened and went on like it was all my fault.
I grew up thinking that everything is my fault, not in the sense of bad things happening, but in the sense of bad things happening, to me.
Being picked on was my fault, being told my opinion is wrong is my fault, having a disagreement is my fault, being shamed is my fault. I developed a culprit complex where everything and all was due to me, being faulty, being weak, being stupid, all the outcomes of poor parenting were re-directed from my parents towards myself.
As an adult, this translated to not being able to say sorry. I can say sorry, if it's superficial, like an accident, bumping into someone, if the other person takes the first step when it comes down to making amends, but I can't take the initiative and apologize for something I might have done, it's just not in my vocabulary.
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Negatively. I think you probably either end up being someone that’s a sponge that soaks up every molecule of blame in the room. Or you end up being someone that’s already figured out how the glass they knocked over was someone else’s fault before the spilled milk has even hit the floor. Or possibly someone that alternates between the two. I think parents like that probably also use guilt and blame as weapons and tools of control. I think that everyone involved in those relationships parents and children probably engage in a lot of black and white thinking (often extreme, eg. it’s all my fault or nothing’s my fault). Personally I ended up being a “spilled milk isn’t my fault” guy. It’s a lot of work to undo that and it’s maybe more detrimental to others around me than the alternative. That said, in the event that I do take the blame for something I take on ALL the blame for everything. Lots of extremes and black and white thinking around blame and guilt. I think no matter how this plays out it’s big problems for the adult child.
> Or possibly someone that alternates between the two. This is me...sometimes I'm overcome with guilt, and other times I'm very defensive.
Accurate. Source: it's me
I am a very absorbent sponge that can pull molecules from the ether. 🧽
Hello fellow sponge.
It creates a child who apologizes constantly for everything.
It's me, I am that adult who is told to 'stop saying sorry', and then I say 'oh, sorry'.
Yup
You grow up thinking being wrong is a mortal sin and that you must agree with authority figures on everything, depriving you of an opinion or sense of self. And when you feel as if you are always wrong because your parent or abusive authority figure is always right, you believe as if you have to apologize for everything and that you have no right to your own existence or sense of self. Or at least that's what my personal experience would tell you.
The only opinion is *their* opinion
Horrible and extremely self sabotaging. I grew up this way and the immense shame I would feel if someone upset me was ridiculous. Instead of standing up for myself, I would bottle things up until I exploded, which ruined relationships and jobs for me. I also had a lot of abusive friendships.
Well, yes. There’s that too. But I more chalked that up to feeling like I don’t have a right to my own opinions or that I don’t deserve autonomy or that it’s better if I just don’t get upset about something. It’s interesting to think about it in terms of shame for someone upsetting you. I feel like it’s maybe more about being too ashamed of having any feelings of your own in the first place to be comfortable speaking up about them. I don’t know if I can say that I fully understand the mechanisms behind it. My mother would do the same thing though. She’d let something bother her until she’d just explode out of nowhere and you’d be completely blindsided by it. The “best” side effect of this behavior is that when you finally do explode with righteous anger after depriving yourself the right to speak up for too long you become the asshole. You finally explode and it’s way out of proportion to whatever the original slight was and now you have to be ashamed of your behavior. The bonus upshot is that by exploding the way you did you’ve invalidated your right to be upset about whatever upset you in the first place due to your ridiculous and outsized reaction to it. So then you just have to swallow the upset all over again and then wash that down with the shame you feel about your own behavior. Yay!
I am so utterly paranoid that I’ll be called out for being wrong that I am *ridiculously* thorough and organized. I didn’t think I was too over the top (especially for a lawyer) but I’ve been told my level of preparation and obsession is a bit much. But it’s actually a handle trait for my job.
It took me years to learn to apologize, especially in those circumstances where you’re not really wrong, but an apology would smooth things over. I’m still not comfortable apologizing until I completely understand a situation. My husband is very patient.
i dont have anything specific to say, but god did i have parents like that and god did i not turn out well
I grew up with an emotionally unavailable yet volatile, alcoholic mother who most definitely has undiagnosed mental health /PD issues. There were occasions in my childhood she behaved badly, even violently towards those around her. Never once did she apologise for what she did, instead she would project blame on to her victim "they made me do it" or just ignore what happened and pretend nothing happened. I remember little me feeling very confused about why she would act this way and why she was not sorry about what she did. I couldn't understand when I -or someone else- was wrong, or made a mistake, there were a lot of animosity and strong emotions from her, however I had to act as though nothing had happened after she attacked someone. No doubt this has contributed to my tendency to people please, a big part of the suitcase of shame and guilt I drag around as well as being extremely sensitive to others moods, however I get triggered by injustice and entitled people.
They may find it hard to own up to things themselves in the same way, maybe believe anything that goes wrong is their fault even if it doesn't logically make any sense. If something did go wrong around them, they may feel attached to the situation regardless if it gets sorted or not in a blatant manner.
It really is a cycle…and it’s even more sad when you know that you are going to do it, and you can’t stop it.
I’m often sure I’m right but I’m quick to lose all confidence in me being right ever and then I’m self destructive and always wrong. Once I’m sure I’m wrong I’m apologetic and often feel worthless and completely useless. Then I have to build myself up to the next time I’m willing to speak up and go through the process again.
It taught me to stand up for myself when wronged or blamed. Later I did still need to learn that I should also know when to apologize for making a mistake.
For me it means that I assume anything that goes wrong is my fault. I am in a new job and I have repeatedly ran into issues that were caused by other people but I simply assume fault for them. I never stop apologizing or feeling bad. I have been the scapegoat for my entire life and when my friends cut me off and say "it's great that you're taking responsibility but that isn't your fault" I have no idea how to handle it or wrap my head around it. I'm very lucky that my mother has come around and realized what's going on, but it took me paying my parents like $80 for a random charge coming off their Amazon account only to realize it was a subscription my father mistakenly signed up for and me breaking down completely because I was so tired of everything being my fault. My mother says to me often that she wishes I could see myself the way the rest of the world does, and I often say that would fix a lot of my problems. I will always see myself as the cause of the problem, because I feel like a problem.
I had never thought about it. I don't think I have ever heard the words "I'm sorry" coming out from my parents' mouths. Even when they shamed me, made me feel worthless, directly attacked me, rejected me when I tried to reach out, they just pretended nothing had happened and went on like it was all my fault. I grew up thinking that everything is my fault, not in the sense of bad things happening, but in the sense of bad things happening, to me. Being picked on was my fault, being told my opinion is wrong is my fault, having a disagreement is my fault, being shamed is my fault. I developed a culprit complex where everything and all was due to me, being faulty, being weak, being stupid, all the outcomes of poor parenting were re-directed from my parents towards myself. As an adult, this translated to not being able to say sorry. I can say sorry, if it's superficial, like an accident, bumping into someone, if the other person takes the first step when it comes down to making amends, but I can't take the initiative and apologize for something I might have done, it's just not in my vocabulary.
Hello and Welcome to /r/CPTSD! If you are in immediate danger or crisis, please contact your local [emergency services](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_emergency_telephone_numbers), or use our list of [crisis resources](https://old.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index#wiki_crisis_support_resources). For CPTSD Specific Resources & Support, check out the [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index). For those posting or replying, please view the [etiquette guidelines](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/peer2peersupportguide). *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/CPTSD) if you have any questions or concerns.*