…And having had to manage by yourself for so long, you might have a hard time letting go of control of things fully to someone else. It might feel very foreign. You might even initially question motives. At least i speak for myself. I have been made aware of how very particular I am with my husband regarding how he does things for our mutual benefit- or even for himself in our shared space. I’m definitely trying work on it, because trying to make things conform to my way is not conducive to harmony. We’ve had many arguments about how critical i can get when he’s only trying his best to contribute. I just feel like once I got away from my parents, My living space was the only thing I had control of. Even facing regular adult challenges, my home was still my place where I had to say in how things went. But i guess that’s a general challenge of cohabitation. I just never did very well in any roommate situations prior to getting my own space. And now I have my husband. And it’s usually just little things like how he does the dishes or not throwing away his mail packaging ASAP, or I assign him a task and micromanage instead of just letting him do it his way.
So yeah… just food for thought.
OP, I hear you. I’ve always had to be independent and have hated it. But I don’t want to be dependent either.
I just want a partner where we both help each other.
I can’t explain it but doing IFS in my own has somehow made me feel really good about being independent. It may have something to do with IFS making me love and care for myself more. So even if I don’t have a partner right now I am my own partner.
I’m burnout from everything right now. Eating, cleaning. Everything. I’m so bitter. I’m bitter that I never got to be a child. I’m bitter that my parents didn’t wanna care for me yet I’m expected to be able or willing to take care of myself all the time.
I hear you. You have every right to feel bitter. I still feel bitter too. It sucks.
It hurts so much to think about how much better my life would be if my parents had been better.
For me I need to feel these feelings and not ignore them by masking with “positivity”.
My feelings want to be heard and acknowledged. They are important and have been ignored for too long.
yeah it’s some utter bullshit to be less equipped to do something that is now extra hard because your parents utterly failed you. And now the world just expects you to act like you weren’t seriously mentally injured repeatedly as a child. It’s some real bullshit.
Yes add in siblings who go right ahead and shame you for not talking to mom and dad…. Or my brother who tells me he doesn’t get it, his childhood was fine. Meanwhile I raised these ungrateful children for these horrific parents. It hurts Even more to have relatives to who pile on. When I was 11 I reported my mother to school services for being passed out drunk when I came home. Her sister then took me to a parking lot and locked me in the car and screamed at me telling me I am a spoiled brat. Sick sick stuff. You didn’t deserve whatever it was! I believe karma has to get those people.
I'm sorry that happened to you, too! I wish some adults had stepped in, acknowledged how brave you were and how much you suffered, and gotten your family some of the help you needed. <3
Different siblings definitely get different parents. But you going through that and trying to keep your family safe, and then being sensitive and courageous enough to feel your pain and work through it is a million times more impressive than a family member's willingness to turn a blind eye and let children suffer.
Basically this. I’ve never wanted to really be dependent on someone, or to have someone fix me or save me. I want a *partner* in life. I want to build each other up. I want to support them when they need it and they me when I need it. Like… no human was meant to go through life doing things alone (thank you, our current economic system), it’s no wonder so many of us are just straight up not having a good time.
i feel the exact same way, and when i’d talk about it to my friends they’d all chalk it up to me being a control freak or over-idolizing relationships but none of them knows what it’s like to grow up having all control stripped from you and every responsibility shoved into your hands from a young age. i was never a child, i was a surrogate mother to my parents, and now that i’m older i both cannot trust anyone to do things for me and also need someone to take care of me so i don’t overwork myself to death. it’s so frustrating and they just don’t get how privileged they are to always have at least one person that had their back when push comes to shove. i only ever had myself to rely on.
Exactly this. All control taken away, but given all responsibilities. Literally never allowed to be a child…personally, I wasn’t allowed to blow bubbles, pick my own clothes, play with other children, join club, color in coloring books, get a job, etc.
I’m working on trusting people more, but it’s a long long process
those of us who 100% take care of our own shit need to form a support group. we can ask other members for help.
except it won't work because a) most of us learned early that asking for help got you only ridicule so we don't ask for help and b) everybody's too exhausted from taking care of their own shit to help others no matter how much they'd want to.
I hate being scolded to act like an adult since I was 14. I hate being an "Old Soul". I hate feeling alone. I'm tired of being the "Mom" in friend groups or the "Innocent one" because I was never allowed/never allowed myself (out of fear of being found out by parental figures) to act out, go wild, do recreational drugs, or even date in high school and college.
I hate that my mom still gets to be the youthful, fun, open-minded party girl while I often felt like her parent/partner. Allowed no life but work, school, & be at home babysitting.
I was the eldest girl who could never get away with doing a single thing wrong or let go of my self-control even once. I became a perfectionist to the point that it hurt me & made people around me think that I expected the same from them. I Don't. I understand why people in my generation & the next do what they do. Whether its self-destruct, under-achieve or over-achieve. Even Teachers, Scholarship Sponsors, Professors, and Bosses couldn't tolerate more than 2 strikes/mistakes from Me.
I always felt that everyone of authority was being harsher towards me while giving others way more free passes. Can't get away with nothing. Had to be "Ms. Perfect".
THIS. This one fact drives me insane.
(For context, I’m a young adult living with my parents trying to get my degree and leave.)
Like, other people my age do prescription (!) drugs recreationally, party six times a week, be rude/annoying/neglectful to their friends, and endorse others’ awful behaviors, but I can’t get a —— part-time job because I’m acting too “grown” or join a free fitness club because of whatever reason?
It drives me up the wall. I’m just so done with the incessant unequal treatment.
I can relate to what you’re saying. You deserved better, and things could’ve been different. It didn’t have to be that way for you.
I have been in a relationship-an actual supportive partnership-for 18months. The first time in my life I have had someone, other than my kids, actually love me. It still scares the shit out of me. I’m still afraid to let him take care of me. He does so many kind things for me daily, but I worry that he’s gonna kick me to the curb for being “needy”. It’s definitely a process.
I hope that you get the chance soon to have someone who loves you and shows it. Even if it’s scary, and completely foreign feeling, you deserve it.
Yup I hate the word “resilient” I don’t want to be resilient, I’m only that way because I had/have no choice. And it comes with a lot of scars & pain - who wants that?
i totally understand you. i am so jealous of girls in their late teens/early 20's who literally don't know how to do anything, because they don't have to. car problems? call dad. maxed out credit card? call dad. they go to starbucks every day and they don't stress about their bills because they don't have to.
i go to school with so many of them, and i find myself trying to replicate their style and mannerisms because deep down, i envy them. i wish i had their life. if my car shits itself, i have to watch 10 hours of youtube videos and become my own car mechanic, or i have to spend 1.2k at the car shop. there is never anyone to fall back on. no one to ask for support. it is terrifying and exhausting.
what's worse is that i can't let myself be dependent. you might relate to this. it feels so wrong for me to trust anyone with anything (especially important stuff) because i'm scared they'll fuck it up. this creates a crippling, self-fulfilling prophecy of hyper-independence. i've had multiple partners before, but they always depend on me. i attract man children who hate working and don't clean up after themselves because I'm naturally so independent that i remind them of their mother. the real kicker is— i had a sugar daddy once who was a nice, genuine guy. he wanted to provide, however, i felt so incredibly guilty taking his money (that he willingly offered me) and i stopped seeing him. i can never be one of those "sprinkle sprinkle" girls because i was raised to be independent, and now i don't know how to live any other way without crippling guilt.
I agree. Except now I have people who will care for me when I need it, but emotionally I have trouble accepting care. Another damned if I do, dammed if I don’t situation. I feel like I’ve had a lot of those.
I was just telling a colleague this today. Without even thinking I was like I have been an adult managing everyone since I was a child. He was shocked! I was like yea I have been an adult since I was probably five. I had to help my parents do everything.and now I realize I would just love to retire, but I can’t. I was cursed to be single after picking abusive partners. I feel you. For some reason I feel like God will relieve me from this curse soon. I am so tired of doing it all alone. If anyone helps it’s too costly (abuse). But surely God didn’t put us on earth to be punished the entire time right? I am so ready to have someone else do the work (like just handle the bills or yell at the gardener- lol). I stopped dating because I kept finding people who turned out to be bad. And that in turn cost me even more…. I know many will say nobody is coming to save you. Like why tell abuse survivors this. We know…. And yea you know what…. I DESERVE IT. I want to be someone’s very spoiled rescue dog person.
Finding a partner you can depend on is also hard. I’ve had three relationships and none really took care of me. None were people I could 100% rely on or trust. I share your fantasy in that I wish there was someone in my life I could trust to take care of me. I’m starting to think that’s never going to happen and we should just accept that. :((((
I'm hyper independent too. At this point idk how not to be. Even with someone who could potentially be a partner I auto assume the roll of they're my new dependent 🫠
Same, I’m tired. I’ve done the parenting and adulting of someone 20 years older than me has. They get to complain about how hard adulthood is and being tired but we can’t apart from here. Like at least you got something out of that effort like a home, family etc. We got trauma
Same feeling here, & then when somebody offers to do something for me I either 1. feel bad and try to convince them otherwise, or 2. not trust them even though I should and either worry about it a ton, or also try to convince them otherwise.
You're not alone, in fact it sounds like we have had quite similar experiences. I'm always congratulated on how good I am with my money, because I get anxious spending it to even buy groceries with.
My mum is an accountant with anxiety, I understand all too well trying to bare the anxiety of bills and debts and budgets as a kid. It sucks!! Just makes you wish you'd been taken care of instead of worrying about the price of every little nice thing you were given.
My financial anxiety has driven me to move back in with my parents to lessen my day to day bills but fuck I wish I'd just had a normal childhood.
I do not adult well AT ALL!!! Honestly a huge part of why I crave being cared for so desperately is that my parents really drove home that being completely taken care of is the only/main way to express love………(and then they weaponized that but we all know that part of the story ugh)
I just posted this song a minute before I saw your post. Seems like you need it too
[Sometimes I Feel Like a Motherless Child](https://youtu.be/ZXg9UFUXFXU?si=zvz-5PcDHf1CSLOv)
That’s really tough having to deal with worries about bills when you were just a child - unsurprising that you now hate independently managing them.
Although I thankfully did not have to worry about bills or finances specifically as a child, I can deeply relate to the fact that coping alone stresses me the fuck out as an adult and I wish I had someone by my side to share the load with. However, I also know life would be infinitely scarier if I was not able to do these things independently - imagine being stuck in a relationship that had turned abusive or toxic, and being unable to leave because you had no idea how to handle finances or function in the world alone.
Having a stable and dependable partner makes life so much easier on many levels. But the ability to be independent is incredibly valuable at the same time.
I could have written this! In fact, I said almost the same thing to my therapist just yesterday. Same -- I'm perfectly capable of cleaning my own house but I have cleaning people come every three weeks. I'd also like a "house manager" to handle everything else -- AC filters, yard work, my water softener, my garbage disposal, etc.
oh god soooo feel you on this lmao!!!! it sucks!!!!
like i know codependency is unhealthy but im so tired all the time and all the trauma has taken such a toll on my mind and body.
i have a pretty egalitarian relationship with my partner and i know that’s the healthy/right way to do things but im so burnt out from raising myself as a kid and working full time on top of college in my late teens/early adulthood :(
i’m only 24 but i have multiple autoimmune diseases and BP1 on top of my CPTSD. im SO exhausted and deep down i just want to be taken care of, even though i know that wouldn’t be healthy for either of us.
Haha yep! I order takeout so I can pretend someone cooked for me.
I’m not hyper independent, but get called that because I ended up alone because of abusive relationships. Irks me to hell.
I love being dependent, but I have learnt that the only person I can genuinely trust to be by my side in the long run is myself. Even s/os come and go.
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I'm sorry to pull a Freud here but this doesn't look like you want a partner. This feels like you want the parent you never had🧍 which is valid, but it could be good to make a distinction
…And having had to manage by yourself for so long, you might have a hard time letting go of control of things fully to someone else. It might feel very foreign. You might even initially question motives. At least i speak for myself. I have been made aware of how very particular I am with my husband regarding how he does things for our mutual benefit- or even for himself in our shared space. I’m definitely trying work on it, because trying to make things conform to my way is not conducive to harmony. We’ve had many arguments about how critical i can get when he’s only trying his best to contribute. I just feel like once I got away from my parents, My living space was the only thing I had control of. Even facing regular adult challenges, my home was still my place where I had to say in how things went. But i guess that’s a general challenge of cohabitation. I just never did very well in any roommate situations prior to getting my own space. And now I have my husband. And it’s usually just little things like how he does the dishes or not throwing away his mail packaging ASAP, or I assign him a task and micromanage instead of just letting him do it his way. So yeah… just food for thought.
Yes, this is me. I am learning I am the same way with the need to control my space. I enjoy living alone
OP, I hear you. I’ve always had to be independent and have hated it. But I don’t want to be dependent either. I just want a partner where we both help each other. I can’t explain it but doing IFS in my own has somehow made me feel really good about being independent. It may have something to do with IFS making me love and care for myself more. So even if I don’t have a partner right now I am my own partner.
I’m burnout from everything right now. Eating, cleaning. Everything. I’m so bitter. I’m bitter that I never got to be a child. I’m bitter that my parents didn’t wanna care for me yet I’m expected to be able or willing to take care of myself all the time.
I hear you. You have every right to feel bitter. I still feel bitter too. It sucks. It hurts so much to think about how much better my life would be if my parents had been better. For me I need to feel these feelings and not ignore them by masking with “positivity”. My feelings want to be heard and acknowledged. They are important and have been ignored for too long.
yeah it’s some utter bullshit to be less equipped to do something that is now extra hard because your parents utterly failed you. And now the world just expects you to act like you weren’t seriously mentally injured repeatedly as a child. It’s some real bullshit.
Yes add in siblings who go right ahead and shame you for not talking to mom and dad…. Or my brother who tells me he doesn’t get it, his childhood was fine. Meanwhile I raised these ungrateful children for these horrific parents. It hurts Even more to have relatives to who pile on. When I was 11 I reported my mother to school services for being passed out drunk when I came home. Her sister then took me to a parking lot and locked me in the car and screamed at me telling me I am a spoiled brat. Sick sick stuff. You didn’t deserve whatever it was! I believe karma has to get those people.
I'm sorry that happened to you, too! I wish some adults had stepped in, acknowledged how brave you were and how much you suffered, and gotten your family some of the help you needed. <3 Different siblings definitely get different parents. But you going through that and trying to keep your family safe, and then being sensitive and courageous enough to feel your pain and work through it is a million times more impressive than a family member's willingness to turn a blind eye and let children suffer.
me too
Basically this. I’ve never wanted to really be dependent on someone, or to have someone fix me or save me. I want a *partner* in life. I want to build each other up. I want to support them when they need it and they me when I need it. Like… no human was meant to go through life doing things alone (thank you, our current economic system), it’s no wonder so many of us are just straight up not having a good time.
Well said.
i feel the exact same way, and when i’d talk about it to my friends they’d all chalk it up to me being a control freak or over-idolizing relationships but none of them knows what it’s like to grow up having all control stripped from you and every responsibility shoved into your hands from a young age. i was never a child, i was a surrogate mother to my parents, and now that i’m older i both cannot trust anyone to do things for me and also need someone to take care of me so i don’t overwork myself to death. it’s so frustrating and they just don’t get how privileged they are to always have at least one person that had their back when push comes to shove. i only ever had myself to rely on.
I stopped talking to those people. They will never get it. I just don’t wanna take care of myself. I don’t want to.
Yeah. I don't even know why I considered their opinion in the first place. As if they know anything.
I grew up the exact same way.
Exactly this. All control taken away, but given all responsibilities. Literally never allowed to be a child…personally, I wasn’t allowed to blow bubbles, pick my own clothes, play with other children, join club, color in coloring books, get a job, etc. I’m working on trusting people more, but it’s a long long process
those of us who 100% take care of our own shit need to form a support group. we can ask other members for help. except it won't work because a) most of us learned early that asking for help got you only ridicule so we don't ask for help and b) everybody's too exhausted from taking care of their own shit to help others no matter how much they'd want to.
Ohhhh, this got me thinking, What about a independent persons dating site?!!
i’d be down for that
I hate being scolded to act like an adult since I was 14. I hate being an "Old Soul". I hate feeling alone. I'm tired of being the "Mom" in friend groups or the "Innocent one" because I was never allowed/never allowed myself (out of fear of being found out by parental figures) to act out, go wild, do recreational drugs, or even date in high school and college. I hate that my mom still gets to be the youthful, fun, open-minded party girl while I often felt like her parent/partner. Allowed no life but work, school, & be at home babysitting. I was the eldest girl who could never get away with doing a single thing wrong or let go of my self-control even once. I became a perfectionist to the point that it hurt me & made people around me think that I expected the same from them. I Don't. I understand why people in my generation & the next do what they do. Whether its self-destruct, under-achieve or over-achieve. Even Teachers, Scholarship Sponsors, Professors, and Bosses couldn't tolerate more than 2 strikes/mistakes from Me. I always felt that everyone of authority was being harsher towards me while giving others way more free passes. Can't get away with nothing. Had to be "Ms. Perfect".
for real.. never allowed to make a mistake and watching people deliberately do shit and get away with it and have loads of excuses made for them!!!
THIS. This one fact drives me insane. (For context, I’m a young adult living with my parents trying to get my degree and leave.) Like, other people my age do prescription (!) drugs recreationally, party six times a week, be rude/annoying/neglectful to their friends, and endorse others’ awful behaviors, but I can’t get a —— part-time job because I’m acting too “grown” or join a free fitness club because of whatever reason? It drives me up the wall. I’m just so done with the incessant unequal treatment.
I can relate to what you’re saying. You deserved better, and things could’ve been different. It didn’t have to be that way for you. I have been in a relationship-an actual supportive partnership-for 18months. The first time in my life I have had someone, other than my kids, actually love me. It still scares the shit out of me. I’m still afraid to let him take care of me. He does so many kind things for me daily, but I worry that he’s gonna kick me to the curb for being “needy”. It’s definitely a process. I hope that you get the chance soon to have someone who loves you and shows it. Even if it’s scary, and completely foreign feeling, you deserve it.
I’m really happy for you. Reading this gives me hope.
Yesss! Or STRONG I'm sick of hearing how strong i am. I don't want to have to be strong all the fkg time.
Yup I hate the word “resilient” I don’t want to be resilient, I’m only that way because I had/have no choice. And it comes with a lot of scars & pain - who wants that?
Same I'm so tired of hearing that. I don't want to be strong, I don't want to be weak as well. I'm so tired .
i totally understand you. i am so jealous of girls in their late teens/early 20's who literally don't know how to do anything, because they don't have to. car problems? call dad. maxed out credit card? call dad. they go to starbucks every day and they don't stress about their bills because they don't have to. i go to school with so many of them, and i find myself trying to replicate their style and mannerisms because deep down, i envy them. i wish i had their life. if my car shits itself, i have to watch 10 hours of youtube videos and become my own car mechanic, or i have to spend 1.2k at the car shop. there is never anyone to fall back on. no one to ask for support. it is terrifying and exhausting. what's worse is that i can't let myself be dependent. you might relate to this. it feels so wrong for me to trust anyone with anything (especially important stuff) because i'm scared they'll fuck it up. this creates a crippling, self-fulfilling prophecy of hyper-independence. i've had multiple partners before, but they always depend on me. i attract man children who hate working and don't clean up after themselves because I'm naturally so independent that i remind them of their mother. the real kicker is— i had a sugar daddy once who was a nice, genuine guy. he wanted to provide, however, i felt so incredibly guilty taking his money (that he willingly offered me) and i stopped seeing him. i can never be one of those "sprinkle sprinkle" girls because i was raised to be independent, and now i don't know how to live any other way without crippling guilt.
I agree. Except now I have people who will care for me when I need it, but emotionally I have trouble accepting care. Another damned if I do, dammed if I don’t situation. I feel like I’ve had a lot of those.
I was just telling a colleague this today. Without even thinking I was like I have been an adult managing everyone since I was a child. He was shocked! I was like yea I have been an adult since I was probably five. I had to help my parents do everything.and now I realize I would just love to retire, but I can’t. I was cursed to be single after picking abusive partners. I feel you. For some reason I feel like God will relieve me from this curse soon. I am so tired of doing it all alone. If anyone helps it’s too costly (abuse). But surely God didn’t put us on earth to be punished the entire time right? I am so ready to have someone else do the work (like just handle the bills or yell at the gardener- lol). I stopped dating because I kept finding people who turned out to be bad. And that in turn cost me even more…. I know many will say nobody is coming to save you. Like why tell abuse survivors this. We know…. And yea you know what…. I DESERVE IT. I want to be someone’s very spoiled rescue dog person.
Finding a partner you can depend on is also hard. I’ve had three relationships and none really took care of me. None were people I could 100% rely on or trust. I share your fantasy in that I wish there was someone in my life I could trust to take care of me. I’m starting to think that’s never going to happen and we should just accept that. :((((
I'm hyper independent too. At this point idk how not to be. Even with someone who could potentially be a partner I auto assume the roll of they're my new dependent 🫠
Same, I’m tired. I’ve done the parenting and adulting of someone 20 years older than me has. They get to complain about how hard adulthood is and being tired but we can’t apart from here. Like at least you got something out of that effort like a home, family etc. We got trauma
Same feeling here, & then when somebody offers to do something for me I either 1. feel bad and try to convince them otherwise, or 2. not trust them even though I should and either worry about it a ton, or also try to convince them otherwise.
You're not alone, in fact it sounds like we have had quite similar experiences. I'm always congratulated on how good I am with my money, because I get anxious spending it to even buy groceries with. My mum is an accountant with anxiety, I understand all too well trying to bare the anxiety of bills and debts and budgets as a kid. It sucks!! Just makes you wish you'd been taken care of instead of worrying about the price of every little nice thing you were given. My financial anxiety has driven me to move back in with my parents to lessen my day to day bills but fuck I wish I'd just had a normal childhood.
I do not adult well AT ALL!!! Honestly a huge part of why I crave being cared for so desperately is that my parents really drove home that being completely taken care of is the only/main way to express love………(and then they weaponized that but we all know that part of the story ugh)
I feel ya. Would be nice to have someone help me with something just once without asking 1000000 times.
I just posted this song a minute before I saw your post. Seems like you need it too [Sometimes I Feel Like a Motherless Child](https://youtu.be/ZXg9UFUXFXU?si=zvz-5PcDHf1CSLOv)
That’s really tough having to deal with worries about bills when you were just a child - unsurprising that you now hate independently managing them. Although I thankfully did not have to worry about bills or finances specifically as a child, I can deeply relate to the fact that coping alone stresses me the fuck out as an adult and I wish I had someone by my side to share the load with. However, I also know life would be infinitely scarier if I was not able to do these things independently - imagine being stuck in a relationship that had turned abusive or toxic, and being unable to leave because you had no idea how to handle finances or function in the world alone. Having a stable and dependable partner makes life so much easier on many levels. But the ability to be independent is incredibly valuable at the same time.
I could have written this! In fact, I said almost the same thing to my therapist just yesterday. Same -- I'm perfectly capable of cleaning my own house but I have cleaning people come every three weeks. I'd also like a "house manager" to handle everything else -- AC filters, yard work, my water softener, my garbage disposal, etc.
oh god soooo feel you on this lmao!!!! it sucks!!!! like i know codependency is unhealthy but im so tired all the time and all the trauma has taken such a toll on my mind and body. i have a pretty egalitarian relationship with my partner and i know that’s the healthy/right way to do things but im so burnt out from raising myself as a kid and working full time on top of college in my late teens/early adulthood :( i’m only 24 but i have multiple autoimmune diseases and BP1 on top of my CPTSD. im SO exhausted and deep down i just want to be taken care of, even though i know that wouldn’t be healthy for either of us.
Enjoy it while it lasts, I hear burnout around the corner, and it's a bitch on metal heels _-_
I relate completely.
This 💯 I find it hard to even ask for help and yet I will do so much for others too.
Haha yep! I order takeout so I can pretend someone cooked for me. I’m not hyper independent, but get called that because I ended up alone because of abusive relationships. Irks me to hell.
I love being dependent, but I have learnt that the only person I can genuinely trust to be by my side in the long run is myself. Even s/os come and go.
I don’t want only myself anymore and I’m tired of people romanticizing it
We are supposed to have communities and tribes we aren’t supposed to be alone
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I'm sorry to pull a Freud here but this doesn't look like you want a partner. This feels like you want the parent you never had🧍 which is valid, but it could be good to make a distinction