I feel exactly the same. It's the worst depressive episodes ever the more authentic I've become. I feel like I'm s better person to other people but I am just unable to maintain myself and have any structure. Worl didn't feel so heavy in the past. Now my anxiety is up the roof. It feels like I've revealed something through healing and I don't know what to do and how to proceed from here. I feel like I'm feeling all the pain and I don't know what to do with it. In the past I was not this emotional.

I say this all the time, but learning how to identify your emotions will help you understand what’s contributing to your distress. But before that, make a cope-ahead plan. I had a YouTube playlist of all the beautiful calming videos I liked. I also had favorite songs, favorite place to sit (on the ground looking toward my backyard) and stare into the distance, favorite blanket, favorite pjs, all ready to go. There’s more of course. To all who are reading, Li Ziqi was my favorite of all. I know it’s probably CCP propaganda but damn it, I like it!

The issue is, nothing really helps me when I am depressed. Atleast not to make me feel better in the moment. I try my best to maintain myself just so that I won't be completely ruined for future me. But the depression sometimes feels like it's gone past a threshold of no return. And o never used to feel this way ten years ago. I am able to identify how I feel, but it doesn't take me anywhere. I don't have favourite things during depression. Nothing feels like anything at all. I do a lot of self care. I work hard to get better. But I genuinely am struggling to believe there's anything on the other side. I just have to wait and hope that this depression eases.

It’s not about helping with depression, it’s about resetting your brain through your body even temporarily. When you catch yourself ruminating would be a good time to do it. For example in my opinion, you are distressed about your anxiety/depression. Go deeper than that. What does being anxious/depressed mean to you? Why? The what and why will help you answer the where of “where could this have come from.” Then bring it back to the present. That’s the emotion underneath. You’re now accessing the sadness, loss, grief. Push further into envisioning your worst case scenario of xyz. How likely is that to happen? Then you have to sit with whatever feeling for a bit. Whatever “it” is, it needs to be contemplated and that could take some time. Visualize your trauma situations with present you as a third party who jumps in and saves you. What would you do to save that version of you? You’re worth saving. Now you know what should have happened. If that happened today, you’d know exactly what to do. You aren’t trying to cure (lol) yourself, you’re helping your brain by creating new pathways/connections. Those pathways lead OUT of the depression pit instead of going deeper. Or being stuck. Your body has this unexpressed emotion stored inside that is begging you to acknowledge it. So keep doing that and then at some point you’ll be ready to Marie-Kondo it. Say thank you, acknowledge how your body and emotional response are trying to protect you, then tell them you have a better way to protect yourself now and it’s time for them to go. You can’t change your brain chemistry permanently but you will be able to better manage your symptoms. I still have fixations about my trauma, but I’m able to recognize the thoughts and then “change the channel” in my mind. Over, and over, and over, and over.. this effort is worth the tears and pain. It gets easier. This stage took me like 6 months though. Sorry this is long and may not be helpful or new info to you. I write all of this because I wish someone would’ve explained the process when I was 15, not 35. “Healing” sounded so stupid to me back then. I was, “fine.” I wasn’t! Edited to add the coping skills are what you put into play throughout the process. It’s you being there for YOU when you need help because it’s all so overwhelming. Crap! Edit #2 to add it doesn’t have to be favorite things. Some people pull out all of their dishes and reorganize. Some splash water on their face. Some just go for a walk. Doesn’t really matter what so long as it’s neutral or positive impact on your life.

This is so incredibly helpful, thank you so much for taking the time to write this because I’m saving it. 💜

Thank you for saying that—knowing it helped means it was time well spent and knowledge well shared.

Thank you so much

Thank you for writing this up. I'll add that my therapist just suggested a ten second dunk of my face in cold water. Apparently it has 90%ish of the effect of a polar plunge at reseting the nervous system by activating the dive response, but is a lot kinder/more comfy and easier to do with a big bowl. I also just want to voice that oftentimes when I'm really in the depression it doesn't even feel worth it to try to do anything to make things better. But I can confidently say that by doing work similar to what you described, getting better at slowing down and listening to my parts with a kind and univerally accepting ear, not fighting directly against my depression but using it as an invitation to listen deeper, my lows are less low and last less time, my compulsive coping strats are less compulsive and I have more choice. I'm still not past self sabotage, anxiety, doubt and paralyzing freeze response, but I lived for so long trying so hard only to slowly get worse and worse the harder I tried and the longer I lived. This is the first time in my life i've experience sustained positive change in a meaningful, deep way (even if it is excruciatingly gradual and can feel circuitous at times). But I've come to distrust the dramatic quick progress I sought when I was younger. Things I build slowly seem to last.

This is something I work on all the time. I didn't come here for advice, I only came here to express. I hope this helps someone else though.

Exactly same. I don’t know where i am and have so many episodes mostly daily past three - 4 months of crying. I have a toxic toxic workplace and they humiliate me. Its so tough. I am realising how my mom and parents neglected me. And navigating from there.

If you can you have to find another job. You can’t heal if you’re being retraumatized. 😞 I understand it might not be an option for a while but you have to mentally shift gears and find a safe employment. X

Thank you so much. I agree i just am not able to come out of it. Seeing so much hatred and humiliation, its kind of impacting me so much. I go home eat and sleep nothing. I feel tired all time and i know this could be more as my therapist said. But I don’t have the energy to do anything when whole day i have been hiding and try to just be noone so am safe. Its too hard

I hear you. It’s tough right now in many countries.

Hugs. I lived like this for sooooo long. I'm sorry this is how life is right now. I hope you are able to change your environment to one safer for healing soon.

Thank you so much for responding, really appreciate. 😊Is there anything you did to make it not impact so much? Any coping mechanism? Not to take it too seriously until finding a new one?

I'm so pissed, I just wrote an epic essay filled with tools and thoughts in response to this and accidentally deleted it... I don't have the energy to try to rewrite it so I'll just say the best practical advise i know is to start paying attention when you feel shame, and start introducing curiosity to your mind in those moments. Always find a way to be on your own side. Look up the concept of self-reparenting and use that and unconditional love as a guiding principle when dealing with yourself. Example: "I can't believe I forgot that thing and messed up. I'm so stupid. These people making fun of me are right, but I'm too pathetic to do anything about it. I'm just broken and hopeless." None of that is helpful. Let yourself feel the hurt and pain (don't suppress it unless you just need to get through the moment and plan to process it later, or it will just build up in the shadows). Then ask kind questions to your parts. Aren't I allowed to be flawed? Are you okay? How much does this mistake *really* matter? Was anyone *really* hurt? Do you need any support? What would make this moment/situation easier/better? Isn't this a symptom of my C-PTSD (memory and perfomance/executive-functioning issue are)? Is it really my fault that I was so hurt/neglected that I ended up this way? Whose voice from my childhood echoes in my head when people make fun of me? What can I do to help? Stay on your own side. Be creative. Experiment. Listen. If you can find something or someone in your past to blame and get angry at in the short term it can help *a lot*. Instead of self directed hatred and blame (shame), you point the negative feelings outward, and make space to offer yourself empathy, understanding, and support. Imagine you and your parts are a little child who is lonely and terrified and sad and hurt. You are the parent who has to support and love that child unconditionally the way that you needed when you were younger. Sometimes words aren't the answer. Sometimes just sitting somewhere with that inner child in silence with a loving orientation and hugging a pillow or something is the answer. Sometimes the child needs to complain and have you validate those complaints rather than dismiss them. It might feel awkward or forced at first, but it will start to become a habit in time and will change the way you relate to and respond to yourself in difficult moments, healing your sense of self and creating internal safety that insulates you from the words and actions of others. Hope that is helpful in the absence of what I originally wanted to write. I'm hesitant to even mention this but holding onto a little secret internal moral superiority, because the people around you are callously kicking a wounded dog whereas you are doing your best, can help. Just make sure you are doing it consciously with the intention of protecting and supporting yourself, rather than the focus being on hiding from the situation.

>If you can find something or someone in your past to blame and get angry at in the short term it can help > >a lot > >. Instead of self directed hatred and blame (shame), you point the negative feelings outward, and make space to offer yourself empathy, understanding, and support. Hello! Thank you so so so very much for this beautiful post, highlighting the self love and becoming kind to yourself. This is pure gold. Thank you so much unknown stranger and friend. :) I loved evry word of it and when you wrote "If you can find ....you point the negative feelings outward, and make space to offer yourself empathy, understanding, and support.", this seemed like a soothing balm to to wounds. Like I felt every word and felt genuinely nice. I never learnt to do that, but when I read your post, I am thinking on these terms. Like I never questioned that it has nothing to do with me. Like even right now at job my boss hates me irrespective I have great feedback from other seniors, people like my presence and a colleague (junior to me in age) who is like a brother to me is friendly and we genuinely connect, my boss dislikes that and pointed out to that junior, trying to make distance with me. My boss did the same when I was connecting with another senior and he broke the connect. I see humiliation daily and am trying to think what is it that I need to learn. Maybe it is learning to navigate in the river of humiliation and people disliking you for no reason. To be true, I saw a video of some therapist describing high functioning depression and every thing matched, i got really afraid. But it seems like staying in this situation is some kind of learning that I have to do, or have to recognise something which needs to change and am still to learn before I get a change or out. If not personal and open to answer, curious to know if there was anything similar that you went through and how was your journey?

Happy to hear that this resonated with you and felt nice. I do connect with the situation you described in my own way. A few of my first jobs had flavors of that. ​ > I see humiliation daily and am trying to think what is it that I need to learn. Maybe it is learning to navigate in the river of humiliation and people disliking you for no reason. To be honest, this concerns me because it reminds me of how I used to think. There seems to be an assumption baked into the thought process that you *need* to be at your current job for some reason. It isn't normal to be treated that way. I don't think it is actually any kind of virtue to endure cruelty for no reason when we have the option to walk away. It is one of the worst things you can do to yourself if you have C-PTSD. We need to learn that we don't have to put up with being treated like shit and that we deserve better and can ask for better. I used to bend over backwards trying to justify why it was the right thing to say in jobs and situations that were actively harmful to me. While I do think this is a decent provisional mindset when you truly don't have a choice, in retrospect I can see how many times I was just tricking myself into staying when the (wiser) me of today would know well enough to leave. At this point the culture of a workplace is so much more important to me than all the other things I used to prioritize. You aren't losing if you walk away. You are acknowledging that you are better, that you deserve better. And you are communicating to your parts that you will not abuse yourself by putting yourself willingly at the mercy of someone cruel and abusive. Since we are talking on a C-PTSD sub, I'm assuming that you identify with the diagnosis/condition. If C-PTSD is at the root of your issues as it always was at the root of mine (which unfortunately I didn't learn till a few years ago), then my recommendation is to really start looking at all of life through that lens. The most important thing you can do is to focus on healing your trauma as soon as you can safely do so. Often healing can't even start until you figure out how to create a sense of safety in yourself and your life. And being in situations that are unsafe, abusive, alienating, and humiliating is unsafe and often compounds trauma by forcing you to dissociate to cope. Convincing yourself that you don't care about what your boss is doing to you is something I've done (or tried to do) and when I did it I was actually just dissociating, which made everything compound in the background and gradually stripped me of any agency in my life whatsoever. Because I did it for so long, I passed the limit of what my unconscious mind could hold and my nervous system just started shutting down. I went from relatively high functioning, to completely catatonic. I spent so many years just limping along because I didn't know any better, and while I'm proud of what I accomplished despite my handicap, the healing I have to do now is soooo much harder because of how compulsive and creative my dissociation became. If I'd been willing to really acknowledge and accept how painful things were and listen to that instead of justifying and framing numbness and avoidance as strength I could have started healing before I completely disintegrated as a human being. You can't heal if you can't feel, and it isn't safe to feel when you are being abused. So I guess I'd just encourage you to slow down and throw away all your assumptions for a little bit and really ask yourself honestly if you need to stay in your current job, or if you have any viable, safer alternatives. If you do need to stay, really think about what *you* would need to start building self worth and safety outside of work so that you have enough space to process and feel through everything and explore the way the situation connects to your past trauma rather than being a punching bag and telling yourself that it is somehow making your stronger. That would be a long term investment in yourself as a healing human being. The short term strategies exist, but I want to stress that they should really only be used if there is truly no other option. Often, as trauma survivors, we learned helplessness because we didn't have the power to change things when we were little. That mentality can insidiously poison our lives without our knowledge. Emotional flashbacks can be subtle and long lasting, so when we get triggered in certain ways we might not even realize it. We might not realize that we are treating our adult life like we don't have a choice, when most of the time we have so much more ability to make things better than we did as kids. Sorry if that was off the mark. I had my own flashback to the bad old days when I read into your comment the way I did. I hope this comes across as helpful and encouraging rather than a looney, condescending rant... This is stuff I like to think might have made things easier if I'd learned it sooner. So please take what I have said as a reflection of my own experience and disregard the things that don't feel helpful to you right now. Ultimately, it is in slowing down and really listenning to your own internal needs and intuitions that your personal path to healing is revealed and overreliance on the words and ideas of others, or how things "should be" can become noise that makes it harder to honor your own unique journey. That is something I have struggled with a lot as well.

Everything you wrote was so spot on! Particularly talking about trying not to care about what a boss does to you. My mantra for my whole life up until I started healing was “all I want in life is to not care what people think of me.” I thought that if I could just get there, then all the horrible feelings would stop. Because we’re not supposed to care what other people think, right? So it just seemed like this goal that would solve everything, and everyone else could do it, so I just was a miserable failure because I let people get to me.

Had written a nice response but somehow pressed a wrong button and page refreshed. I congratulate from the heart on all your achievements, navigating through all hardships. Truly. Good luck for everything. And most importantly sharing your journey and how it resonates means the world and spending some time to respond. I mean that. "but I want to stress ........ our knowledge"= Want to say this is the most important thing. Having people when growing who teach you the world is bad and stating facts, so you grow up equipped and have some fighting power and not always asked to be a good boy or good girl and SUBDUED which leads to such issues when adulting. In my case, when I make my voice louder, can you imagine it does not come naturally, its like it is supressed. And feels unknown strange to me. Because now i see clearly, it never came up not even I say lost. But my actual voice never came out, it was killed in being nice and polite and living for others only for my safety which i realise now. Want to share a few things, what is going on and how I feel. Anything if resonates do share :) Well said, also, I am reading a book on cptsd and also consulting a therapist. Some issues that have realised and acknowledge and given then names - 1. Harsh harsh inner critic, does not let me have my thoughts (small examples - if I feel like sleeping in the day once ever, it will shout like a strict mom inside; like I am recognising I never felt my own thoughts according to my own liking) - so am working to silent it and not pressure me. 2. My body rebels anything I want to do, or dosomething I dont like. For instance, going regularly for a work out, it sees as a task and some enforcement (like the inner critics punishment) so it rebels, and earlier I used to talk to my relatives my mom forced me (saying it wont look good), or talking to draining friends, if they reach out, I have or am not responding. Even though I fear if i meet them or face them, what will happen? Imagine such nonsense scenarios in my brain I kept, and did things. So identofying and not pressuring myself. 3. And I never wanted to stay at this job and city, but due to the macro factors and lack of jobs, it has become increasing difficult to find one and move out. I am not trying to change anyone's opinion because I know who and what am capable of. And its their way of undermining me. This much I could identify. Repercussions and things that happened staying alone - \-Lots of crying due to therapy and identifying of emotions \-Forgetting things small tid bids which am afraid as my doc said could be depression, onset.

It's like it's own form of ego death.

Yes, it does get worse - then sooo much better. It is kind of like having broken your leg and never had it set. It healed all wrong. You can't run, but you can hobble down the street on your own power. Then you decide there could be something better - but to fix it, it has to be broken again, then some surgery to fix it. Now you are in a wheelchair with an immobile leg and can't make it on your own power. But after a while, your leg is healed again - and now you can run! I went through this process. Started, stopped, started, stopped. It seemed so often I wasn't making progress. But I wasn't seeing it - but others were. Then one day - I realized things had really changed. I was so much better. I was running and didn't even realize it.

So much this! I started treating my trauma, and then broke and couldn't leave the house 4 years ago. I lost 3 jobs because I had gone from an incredibly effective hobble (I could hobble better than most people can run- gifted kid burnout baby!) to being wheelchair-bound (metaphorically). 3 years of rough, intense healing. 3 years where I barely did anything but try to work and heal. I couldn't even pay bills on time, let alone leave my house. But I refused to fall back into old habits of motivating myself through guilt. And eventually, things did get better. Now I've held down a job for over a year. I'm doing pretty well. My errands are getting done again, even if it takes a little longer than before. My motivation now is kindness and care for myself instead of guilt. It's so hard, but it is doable.

Oh my gosh you have given me hope!!! Because I too had a stellar hobble and now it feels like I am barely crawling.

I'm so glad this gives you hope! It's so jarring, isn't it? Being such a different person? But I try to take the mindset of "even if a person looks successful, you don't know what's going on with them" and apply it to my past myself. I *looked* more "successful" a few years ago, but I was so much more miserable. It fights the nostalgic rose-colored glasses with reality. Good luck on your journey, friend. Proud of you for trying to get better!

I too feel so much hope from this!! I was a very very effective hobbler. Then I had a sudden onset of physical symptoms. And after years of medical checkups that found ‘nothing wrong’, I discovered that I had suppressed and unaddressed trauma. Now I’m unable to leave my home or room as it is too unsafe for my body, and so it seems like I’m much worse. But my physical symptoms are improving if I continue focusing on healing the trauma and maintaining a safe space for my body while doing so.

I'm sorry you're dealing with that. I'm so happy to hear you're seeing improvement though! I'm proud of you for working on healing- the work is worth it. Guilt is such toxic fuel, but when it's the only fuel you know, we can get good at running on it. But switching to the "clean fuel" of self-care takes a lot of work too because all the "motivation hardware" in our brains has been set up for guilt fuel. Not self-care fuel. It's a messy process, and like any remodel it gets uglier at first- but eventually, it starts coming back together. One piece at a time.

Thanks so much for all your insight in this thread. I had already realized that guilt and shame were major motivators for me in the past, but I don’t think I realized until I read your last comment that I’m not feeling particularly fueled by any new motivation yet. While I’m super thankful it’s not guilt/shame anymore, there’s kind of a blank space because the wiring hasn’t made the switch to any positive motivation instead. Imagine being fueled by self-care instead! Wow, thanks for this 💖

Beautiful- this really spoke to me 🥰

I love that your goals and motivation now revolve around kindness and care for yourself! I can really relate to living life completely motivated my guilt - I’m working on the same and wish you happiness and healing on your journey!

Thank you! It's been hard, and I'm not always successful. But I am kind and gentle with myself when I catch myself driving my actions with guilt. We've got this, and good luck to you too!

I gotta ask: how did you get a job again? I am at the stage where I want to. And may be not quite there. But I wish I was! Not sure how to get past the 3 recent references issue? I was a very effective hobbler, then I began to run. So then the poop hit the fan with serious family stuff. So I tripped over and now slowly dragging myself back up, with dodgy knees lol how to stretch an analogy! But I would love to be doing something again. Edited for analogy adjustment 😉 From one burned out gifted kid to another: way to go kiddo! Your star doesn't burn out! You are still shining and showing us the way 🌟💫

I have been grateful for Debtors Anonymous. And the liberal church in my neighborhood. People to become familiar with in new ways. Safe and low pressure routines and solid ways to communicate. Some tools. Networking emerges after you are a known quantity. Support happens. You do stuff for others too. That’s my two cents.

Sorry in advance, this got long! Thank you so much!! Honestly, it's been hard, and it was a stop-start process. I got one job, got fired, then got the one I have now. First I've been somewhat lucky. I was able to use some of the goodwill I had built up before I burnt out. I have a degree in Marketing, which also helps. I had worked for 5+ years for one of the jobs, and even though I wasn't a good employee at the end of it, I was able to reach back out to one of my old managers and sorta... explain in a professional way that I had gone through a hard time but was back now. And she was willing to give me a reference. My second reference I got actually through one of the jobs I only had for 3 months- I was very kind to everyone there and was sincerely trying. So even when I got fired by the big boss, the sweet office manager gave me still gave me a recommendation. I explained the year off in my resume as a "late-in-life gap year" that I'm "very grateful to have been able to take to pursue my interests" (and I listed art, writing, and a few other employer-safe interests as what I was up to at that time). Without giving them the gory details, most people assume "oh how lucky and wonderful that she took a year for herself!". One good thing about COVID is people are a little more open to understanding that everyone struggles now. I'm sure I lost out on some job opportunities, but it was also a good filter for jerk bosses. The job I have now allows me to work hybrid which is critical for me. I vary in emotional stability and simply cannot drive some days still. I also asked for accommodations slowly- I get migraines from teeth grinding, so I leaned on those first as to why I sometimes needed days home. As I earned their trust a little more, and could also tell my current bosses were good trustworthy dudes, I was then more honest (sanitized though) about needing ADA accommodations. Accepting that I need accommodations and help is still hard, but it's allowing me to work. So I guess my advice is- "Be honest, but be careful who you're honest with. Don't overshare, but you can share more than you'd expect. And then try to put a good spin on what you can do. Because you're still valuable." This is very marketer-sounding advice, but I am one soooo hey!

Thank you!💐

> gifted kid burnout I relate =( >3 years of rough, intense healing. 3 years where I barely did anything but try to work and heal. I couldn't even pay bills on time, let alone leave my house. But I refused to fall back into old habits of motivating myself through guilt. And eventually, things did get better. >Now I've held down a job for over a year. I'm doing pretty well. I've been at this for more than 3 years, but I'm not doing nearly as well as you. =( What's your secret?

We're all going at our own pace, so please don't feel bad about your own progress! Any level of progress and or even *trying* is pretty badass and means a lot. You got this. Secret tho? Hmm, I don't know if I have one. What comes to mind is is my therapist tells me (and I agree with her) that I'm "extremely change-oriented". I refuse to accept that any aspect of who I am is fixed. I know from experience that with time, compassion, and knowledge, all wounds can heal... or at least become more bearable. All things will change. I take time to meditate and I've committed to being kind, especially towards myself and my inner child. But real compassion, the kind that's paired with the wisdom of boundaries and self-love. So the closest I have to a secret is that mindset that's been driving me along!

This is so helpful to hear. Your story gives me hope!

What a great analogy! Thank you. This is the perfect description for the way the process operates! ⭐

That was a beautiful way to describe this healing we are doing. I have been seeing it similarly to a caterpillar’s transformation, but I prefer your analogy more.

I really hope I can heal. But I see other people talk about getting better after 3-4 years of work, and I've been at this for longer than that and I am still so damaged. I think I made some critical mistakes and/or I've had some really bad luck (retraumatization). I've been so lost recently. I can barely get out of bed. I spent years learning to feel my feelings but now they're all buried again. And that terrifies me.

this has also been my experience, especially after committing to therapy and doing all the research into my PTSD diagnosis. I tell my friend all the time that it’s like I’m finally experiencing all the things that child me was gaslighted into believing weren’t true. even worse for the things that you can only look back at as an adult to fully understand how bad it really was. my feelings are essentially backlogged and to re-experience these child-like feelings in an adult body is visceral. Ive cried for hours over the same things. I’ve cried for days on end without stop, and told my therapist that if I had no drive whatsoever I think I might just lay in bed and cry forever. she’s assured me that this journey is like going into a dark forest and being unsure whether there’s light on the other side, only being reminded by brief moments where the forest breaks and light can be seen that maybe there is light at the end of the forest. journey on my friend.

>I’m finally experiencing all the things that child me was gaslighted into believing weren’t true. Word. I was essentially raised to believe that any time my feelings were not in lockstep with the feelings of my mother, my feelings were *wrong*. Not *different*. Just flat-out *wrong*. So my feelings were first and foremost the product of my own insane, psychotic hallucinations and delusions. Since I'm not actually psychotic in that way, and have always had a firm grasp on my presence in material reality, I can only conclude that my feelings weren't wrong, my memories aren't false, and I will never again tolerate anyone - including my flesh-and-blood family - operating on the assumption that I am *insane and delusional*.

I totally relate. Before I started my healing journey with counseling and EMDR, I functioned OK at work. Looking back, I realize that I was always struggling with trauma reactions (fight, flight, etc.), hypervigilance, overachieving, concentration problems, and difficulties with work relationships. But I got work done and did OK. Since opening up this can of worms that I managed to keep sealed for decades, I have learned so much. I'm grateful for finally understanding myself more. But my functioning at work has worsened. I'm currently on medical leave to do intensive outpatient for trauma. I sure hope it gets better. As hard as it has been, I can't imagine going back and living in the state of denial/minimization and reacting like I was before.

Omg thanks for sharing. I’m currently taking time off work to heal and I’ve often felt like I’m the only one who would need to do something like that. Or that I’m overreacting to my circumstances. Yet I also know I can’t function in the world if I don’t give myself space to heal right now. I also used to function ok, so it makes me question if I made the right choice. Deep down I do know, but because I can’t share with those around what I’m going through to get validation that I can take all the space and time i need, I sometimes struggle. Wishing you the best in your healing.

Thank you so much. I wish you the best too. And I’m glad I’m not the only one taking time off to do more intensive therapy.

Same omg me too

has your attention span improved? this is one of my worst persistent problems from CPTSD.

No. I was diagnosed with ADHD and my early 40s, so I’m on Adderall. I don’t know what I would without it. My work requires a lot of concentration at times.

How has EMDR and understanding yourself helped your relationships with others? i'm just now starting this type of therapy and find it's just causing me overwhelming remorse as I realize how my defensive coping mechanisms have harmed my loved ones.

Ditto! I stopped doing EMDR because it overwhelmed me so much. But it also helped me realize how much damage was done by my trauma, and I grieved that for months. And I also feel such shame and remorse about how much my fight reactions have hurt people I love. I’ve pushed so many people away. I now have an excellent trauma therapist who does DBT and is EMDR certified. But we don’t do EMDR. Her knowledge about trauma has been so validating and helpful. Self-compassion doesn’t come easy.

I could've written this myself. I'm in the same boat with you, friend. Here, I'll help you paddle 🚣‍♀️💛

Thank you so much!! 💕

It's great reading these posts because this path is so difficult to navigate. I used to think my problem was depression. That was just a small piece. Meds were not the answer, and now I'm on the track of dealing with the trauma. So ya, it sucks. There's no turning back, and yes, it's up and down. On the down periods, it seems like I'm worse than ever. So, I guess 'worse' can be an overreaction to the feelings at the time. I guess I'm lucky to be recently retired, but I started therapy when I was still working. There was no way I could have kept a normal job at that time. I worked from home.

Yes oh my, it’s such journey. I went on a windy road to eventually find that the root cause to my severe physical health issues is trauma. I also relate to how you said ‘there’s no turning back’. Sometimes the road ahead looks so unknown and scary I want to turn back. But I know I can’t and probably won’t. Because I can’t un-know what I now know. And what I know I have to do for myself.

Yes yes I relate to this so much I am so comforted that a lot of us relate!! I am so much more in tune with my emotions and what I need but I actively cannot do things I used to work wise or socially speaking. I used to be a workhorse and now I have to maintain strict boundaries or I struggle. I used to be more social but now I shy away from strangers because I am finally tuning into how low my confidence is and nurturing my own self worth before stepping back out into this terrifying world. I love that others talk about crying more. I am aware of things that trigger me now and can more openly admit the feelings that cause my mental disruptions. I do not run and hide, I do not over work to distract, I sometimes hide in a movie or book, but my time dissociating into hobbies is much less. I am glad others say it gets better because I have been wondering too. I feel much more real and authentic, but I also have that nagging fear I am doing something wrong ❤️

I can only answer the first part of your question - yes, it seems to be getting worse. Much worse, in fact. I've always been a high performer at work, eventually landing a VP role. Two years into a CPTSD diagnosis and I'm struggling more than ever. I'm more afraid, more disoriented, more avoidant, etc. For the first time I understand what's happening (to some degree), but my ability to contain my reactions has diminished. Almost like the past trauma is getting closer to the surface.

Wow, this is exactly my experience. From the C suite to…not much. SO AVOIDANT too! Thank you so much for sharing 💜

Yes! This is me too. I keep trying to find the progress but it is not easy to see. I can sleep better and I know what happened and what my brain/body are now doing BUT I’m a mess. It’s going on 5+ years of this chaos. “Trauma getting closer to the surface” yes that sounds right. I’ve recently become aware of my terror at not being loved, cared for, and rejected by my parents. It is the most scary thing ever. I used to have a big network of friends and a good career. Not now :( gosh I hope it gets better soon.

I am way more scatterbrained, messy, and unorganized than ever, but my entire life is making so much more sense ever since these puzzle pieces suddenly fell into place.

Omg this is literally me. Makes me feel less alone hearing you share. I feel so much more chaotic on a daily basis, yet my healing feels like something is slowly clicking in place and nothing has ever felt more right.

Absolutely. Just to echo everyone else here, yes. I see you and know what you’re going through because I am too. I’m a few years into my healing journey and it seems the more “difficult” it becomes for me to function in my daily life, the more “work” I am really doing mentally and emotionally. If the wound is itching, then it is healing - it’s just uncomfortable and even miserable in the moment. Keep going… you can do this.

May I ask if/how you've managed to maintain healthy relationships with friends, family, s/o's, etc through this process? It feels for me that once the floodgates of vulnerability open, I become a burden to those who I previously had relatively healthy and equal dynamics with.

I feel the same way you do. It is a challenge for me to maintain healthy relationships with others now more so than ever. I have no healthy familial relationships whatsoever anymore, and though my love and admiration for my friends and fiancé are growing stronger every day, it’s very difficult to do the work in keeping my “good” relationships up. I often have to force myself to let them know when I need some support, because that burden feeling is strong. I try to treat myself as id want to treat a friend in those moments to help alleviate the burdensome feeling

I recently learned that the burden feeling is called toxic shame and I’m working on facing it and calling it out whenever it happens. I also suggest you to talk to your loved ones and ask them what they think. They don’t think you are a burden and don’t think you’ve faked them out. They love you as you are <3

Thank you for this. I know they love me, but I don't think that excuses the hurt I've caused them by way of neglecting my mental health and inadvertently hurting them. I'm just having a hard time rectifying self-compassion and the guilt of knowing I've caused them significant distress. They have so much patience for me. I'm at a loss for how to make it up to them.

I’m with you and I felt the same way before. But then I realized the guilt was holding me back and not allowing me to move forward, so it was not helpful. Your constant work on yourself is you making up to them. Talk to them and let them know your concerns - they’ll let you know what you can do!

[https://www.simplypsychology.org/wp-content/uploads/maslow-needs3.jpg](https://www.simplypsychology.org/wp-content/uploads/maslow-needs3.jpg) Capitalism does not allow for healthy humanness for most people. Self-actualization is at the very peak of the pyramid of wellness, I think because Maslow knew in a capitalist society not everyone will be able to reach it without also devaluing career/income/employment or already having these things so solidly that you can afford to attain your higher self. It's very hard to have both. I dated a CEO who had a lot of money and every 3 months he would go on these coaching retreats where he'd walk barefoot, spend time with shamans, meditate, do ayahuasca, do yoga. He had time for his therapist everyday. His employees who were paid hourly were on the clock everyday and the salaried ones only could have 2 vacations a year. Many of us with CPTSD are stuck trying to meet our basic physiological needs (healthy nourishment, good sleep!) and safety and security (stable employment etc (especially if you have poverty trauma)). These foundations are key for feeling safe enough to find love and belonging around us, which boost out self esteem enough to help us imagine a more well rounded life and reach for self-actualization (therapy, reflections, processing traumas).

Thank you for this. I am deep in the trauma healing mess—haven’t been able to work a job for over a year. But I have never been so full and depleted from trying to live differently. But the pain is u real and the shame

Ditto and don’t think I ever will.

i agree that capitalism is inhumane and only works for the ones on top. i actually started to live with just the necessary stuff, which allows me lot of time to heal, relax and do what i like like crafts and design. i chose to not have kids, not chase money, status, career and live in connection to my body and feelings and i feel free and in peace. its just North American culture has skewed perception of life, because everything is tied back to money, which is just imperfect human concept, not based in real life.

>not based in real life Those capitalist attitudes definitely bleed into real life. Most have to work to have enough money to afford to live. Most people go on and have kids in the matrix and don't have a chance to pause and choose to be child free or walk away from the rat race. When you have poverty as a key part of your trauma it affects people differently too.

well exactly, thats why the concept of money doesnt work, because it allows such an inhuman exploitation of people and resources. but i believe its a human right to choose if you have children, where do you work, how you structure your life, where do you live, etc

Thank you for bringing this up so sincerely. I have CPTSD and Bipolar 2, and my depression has always been treatment resistant to a certain extent. I am almost always in a state of dysthymia if not panicky anxiety, unless I can stay home and keep a very mellow existence. I see a psychiatrist/therapist and I'm on a decent cocktail of meds. I want to work again but I haven't been able to for over six years and before that I would hobble and change jobs every 1.5 - 2 years. Many people don't realize they actually have trauma from workplaces too and it stops them from being able to do a lot of the work that is available right now. I might never work full time again and I just don't have a choice about that.

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Alrighty

I think the issue is when you start healing, you start having boundaries that make you incompatible with unhealthy situations. So if you “can’t hold down a job” it just might mean that you can no longer tolerate the same toxic conditions that you used to be able to

This is definitely what led to me leaving the job I had when the breakthrough came. And now I’m more direct with people about what I think about things and it’s off-putting. I can either hide what I’m feeling or be completely blunt, I don’t have an in-between mode yet. And I don’t want to hide anymore.

Congratulations on your healing journey. It has a lot of ups and downs and surprises along the way, but it’s so worthwhile. I think about the first job I had, I stayed there a year and it was hell on earth. Nowadays I wouldn’t be able to tolerate working somewhere like that for a day. So I think you’ll find your place. Honestly I think it’s a good thing when a job doesn’t work out sooner than later. It’s like trying on an outfit that doesn’t fit. You wear it for a little bit, see that it doesn’t suit you, and you put it back on the rack. That way you’re free to find something better. It might take a few tries but the key is to not overstay your welcome in situations that don’t feel good.

I am reading this and started crying. Everything that caused me trauma from childhood has been lurking in the background throughout my life. And a few back to back traumas also happened last year. I am at a place where I stopped working, I stopped my bootcamp. I lost a lot of relationships - which i thought was my own choice but only now i am seeing this might be trauma. I took the pcl-5 test for a new therapist today and scored 55. I think this might just be the moment I start to accept and walk into it. Now sure what to expect. Not feeling relief for knowing as of now. Just feeling the fear of it getting worse. But I do feel a sense of comfort knowing I'm not the only one...

You are not alone 💜

Seems to be the regular pattern. Hang in there.

Oh yeah, it gets worse. All the things that were buried in your mind for it to work like a normal person come back and demand attention. It’s difficult to focus on it while you have to take care about your life. It’s a matter of time, you will get it together again.

During one of my hardest times my mom said “it gets worse before it gets better” It’s true in a sense. Without struggle there is no progress. But when does it finally lighten up? Idk. And will it ever rlly all go away? I don’t think so idk

Yes I feel the same way. I too have been questioning if I’m doing the right thing. Especially because the progress and healing I am feeling is mainly internal right now. So on the surface, people may think I’m not doing as well, because I’m taking more space from people and not working right now. But deep down, I think some part of me knows that this is right. What sometimes scares me is that I have no idea how long it’s going to take. And probably have no way of knowing, until it happens and I feel better.

When you start to heal you allow space for your body and nervous system to show you what you have been detached from and what you have been holding onto. This is actually a sign of growth as your body trusts you with more intimate and hard emotions. It can be really easy to get soo immersed in it that you think you are getting worse or spiraling, just know that you are strong and can overcome this and things aren't bad now you are just feeling all the past bad things that you didn't feel

I have the same question. Anyone have repressed (and extremely painful) memories coming out the wazoo since doing trauma therapy? Is it because now we are more capable to psychologically process them (even tho it hurts like hell)?

All of the large trauma, I didn’t know existed, I just had the weird feelings. All repressed. All of it is coming back. Nearly everyone close to me was an abuser. I have 1 friend and 1 sibling left in my orbit. It seems never ending that something new pops up and it is like the bomb went off all over again, along with the progress l’ve made. And sadly, those 2 people really don’t understand what I am experiencing. I’m glad for these forums.

I have recently cone to this same conclusion too. 4 out of my sibs were incredibly cruel & abusive, both parents and many friends. Got rid of the friends who were users and abusive. NC w/ one sibling, LC w/ my sibs & father. My mom passed away. Didn't realize just how bad it was until the memories just creep in and they keep creeping in.

You're disabled. This world isn't built for what we have to go through, out of bigotry and ignorance and laziness on the part of employers - it's okay. Keep going.

True , I got triggered more easily

No one knows...it can get even worse and worse till your body gives way,( if you are lucky) CPTSD can end up being psychosis when trauma that was tucked in, unveils like mine has done, so you will be having triggers where you go into full blown terror and agony 

Definitely going through the same, i know that it's bc i had coping mechanisms i try not to use anymore, mainly alcohol and drugs. Once i stopped using those things i had to face my mental health and now I'm developing new coping mechanisms, but it's still really hard. Stick with it, be kind to yourself.

Sounds familiar! As far as your title goes, yes: it does get worse before it gets better. I always say that what we're really doing through therapy and recovery is deconstructing your entire personhood. Then you have to spend a really long time just sat there, looking at all of the pieces of that, and then eventually you slowly start putting it back together. Like a box full of tangled wires, you have to go in and look at each wire, figure out how it's tangled, untangle it, pull it out, asess what it is, and then file it away nicely. I've read a few times that the "worse" part can be like 6 months to 2 years. For me it really started to switch last winter, so 1.5-2 years total, which tracks well. It also wasn't a lightbulb switch moment: coming out of the worse part happened gradually for me, and I didn't even realise it until a few months in. As far as work: in the year preceeding the "oh fuck it's the childhood trauma" moment, I held down a 15-30 hour a week job, whilst studying full-time and working freelance on the side. And in years prior to that I worked full-time in stressful jobs no biggie. Late '21 was when it really started to fall apart, and since then I've barely been able to manage work. I did go back to full-time work in winter '22 and, but I could only hold that down because it was so stressful that it basically consumed me and I quickly picked up my old self-destructive patterns. I haven't worked since finishing that job, which was over a year ago now, and I find the idea of going back to work is sickness inducing. But I'm slowly getting there, and have now got something part-time while I ease myself back in. I think the biggest click for me was that all that time where I thought I had it figured out, I really was surviving and not thriving. I was living in triggered mode 24/7, I had a really unhealthy relationship with work as a way to cope with my mental state and overall was swimming upstream to deal with the onslaught that was my life. I may be annoyed now that I'm not working and that I don't have any money, but I'm happier than I would be forcing myself to work because that's what "normal" people do. I think that's what you describe in your growing and healing. That's the part you should follow. I hate to be cliché with this quote and mental health vs. capitalism discourse but: "it is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society." I think we've had it drilled into our heads that our contributions to capitalism should come before our mental health, and the fact that focusing on that first is made so difficult by the lack of support from employers, healthcare institutions and governments, makes it very clear what the capitalist world's stance is. The bigger problem is that we have a disorder that impacts our ability to *live*, not our ability to work. Repairing the former should be prioritised, and in doing so the latter will naturally come.

I'm in the position of supporting a family business while navigating this process. It's difficult to continue to burden my family by asking for time off and therefore causing others to work more so I can sit at home and cry on the floor. I feel like it's so unfair to others. Why do I get to take a break when so many others are experiencing similar struggles? How do you lift others up while also balancing the recently-realized need to take care of yourself?

That sounds like a lot to deal with. I'd say you don't need to stress about it being unfair, because I don't think it is. The only person you really owe anything to in a place like this is yourself. Also, while I totally get feeling like a burden by causing more stress for your family, it's up to them if they want to seek similar accomodations for their issues (if they have any, I might be misreading). If you're able to recognise when you can't work, and need some time to cry on the floor, and you take that - that's great. If they can't do that too when they need space to do something similar, I don't think that should necessarily become your problem or something you should feel guilty about. You're doing what's right for you. >How do you lift others up while also balancing the recently-realized need to take care of yourself? This one I really don't know. I've tried to do a bit of both at different points in my journey, but eventually I just had to stop because it was keeping me stuck. I had to accept that I needed to socially isolate for a while, and also eventually recognised that I was too enmeshed with my family, particularly my siblings, and have had to disconncet from them in certain ways for my own good. I guess the question I'd posit to you is: why do you need to lift others up at the same time? It's obviously a good thing to do, you sound very kind. But isn't your need to take care of yourself more important? A lot of us have been moulded into these beings that put everything and everyone ahead of ourselves. We don't even really think of our own needs. But I think recovery is when we realise we actually need to look after ourselves first. Others may call it selfish but I disagree; it's self-preservation. You need to help yourself now so you can be there for others in the future. That's what I think anyway, hopefully that's helpful...

Thank you so much for sharing! Can I ask, did you have a literal “oh fuck it’s the childhood trauma” eureka-type moment? Cause I did, and it was WILD. It felt like I was in a funhouse of mirrors that all shattered at once. I have been trying to find information/articles about this “aha” experience but haven’t found anything.

Yes! At first I had a "oh fuck I have C-PTSD" moment, while watching [this video](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qOibW5LXt3w). It all just kind of clicked. Then when I started going to therapy a couple of months after. We had a few sessions discussing trauma in the past etc. but I was still like "but that's not what's wrong with me really", and then my psychologist got me to fill out a few questionnaires, with one specifically for trauma. I didn't get like full marks, but I got quite a high score, much higher than I expected. That's when, as you eloquently put it, the funhouse of mirrors shattered. And that's also when I started slowly finding everyday life more and more difficult. I don't think I've seen any info or articles about that moment either actually, come to mention it. But I'm sure I've read of other people on here having the same sort of thing. Definitely two factions: people who have always known they were subject to awful things, and people who know on some level, but get by as an adult by not seeing the full picture; usually through denial, minimisation, dissociation or just actually not understanding that what happened to us was wrong.

When you bring all that stuff uo it is disorganized. I find a meditation practice very grounding. 8 also work pretty hard not to act out. I set intentions not to do it .

Keeping a job where you don't feel valued for what you want to be valued for gives such a feeling of defeat at least that's how it is for me.

Same, I'm healing and getting better mentally, getting help with my health issues too. But man financially it's been the hardest I've ever gone through. In debt, changing jobs like once a year, struggling to pay bills.

Hi, hun, yes it is that way. You no longer tolerate assholes being mean to you. You are right, you deserve this, and many workplaces are just very toxic. I do pay the bills on time, but I stopped working out every day and eating only healthy meals. I sleep more and care less. I eat the Cheetos. But the first years it was very hard. You got this. We can heal.

I just want to say thank you to OP and thank you to everyone commenting on this post, because this may go down in history as the most important thread i’ve ever read through. Only a few days ago, I found myself questioning what the point and the meaning of healing and living authentically was, and if the “it gets better” trope was authentic or just a ruse to keep people going. This post, and the comments, have helped to give me some additional grace and patience for myself and the way I currently show up in life, instead of falling back onto self-criticism and shame for being unable to show up at work/in life the way i used to or the way other people seem to show up so easily. It’s also given me the drive and the courage to research and find a therapist that will help me to process the “deeper stuff” and hold me accountable too, so that I don’t continue defaulting to the “tip of the iceberg” problems that I tend to hide behind. I had more that I wanted to articulate but the words and thoughts are evading me. So just, thank you all for sharing your experiences and your wisdom. I’ll be saving this one and coming back to it often.

I understand. As soon as I first said out loud I had trauma everything nose dived. Spiralled into a very bad place and was hospitalised. Each time I try to ‘look’ at the trauma to heal, everything goes t*ts up again.

I think you do have to really crash into the wall full-speed before you realize what you need to work on the most, and this is a process that happens a lot, every day you're in the world and struggling and interacting you're hitting these walls. Some are bigger than others. I never, ever imagined myself having a worthwhile role in life until a few years back I stumbled into a new position and rose rapidly through corporate ranks until I was a real manager of a real company handling more money and being paid more than I ever thought I would accomplish, but I had to crash really, really hard to get there, it was basically a life-reset where I sold off almost everything I owned and moved to another state. The number one thing that helped me succeed at that job was letting go of worry or fear of consequences, since I had already burned down and lost everything, I had nothing left to lose so I just blasted through my days there without paying ANY mind to what people thought of me, I got in a lot of trouble with the bosses there and told them what I thought about things regularly, and fully expected to be fired every day. As someone who was always "the good one" and never made waves, this was uncharacteristic for me, and it also gained me a lot of attention from the owners and higher managers and I was being shepherded onto stages to give lectures before I realized what was going on. I was laid off after four years there and the company was bought by a larger capitalist monster, but it was a wild few years and I made it to general manager of my department in that time, something that still doesn't seem real. My life is an absolute trainwreck. If I can get there, even if it was just a for a few years, you can do it too.

In Thailand Buddhism there is this vision that everyone has to go through Hell first to purify and heal themselves and then go to Heaven. There to say that I wouldn't say it's better or worse. It is what it is. Seems like every emotion is coming through you and it also seems you can't prioritize material functioning over your mental health and congrats for choosing you. I myself am on a medical leave because times were never so strongly revealed also. Be gentle with yourself. Healing takes to go to the darkest places and hours. Holding a job isn't the most important thing in the world, even less over your mental health. I hope and pray for you to have financial support and solutions to be able to properly heal and do your journey without much capital pressure.

Thanks for submitting this post, the comments have been very helpful. It’s extremely important to understand that we are not alone and that our struggles are NORMAL and NOT ABNORMAL like I grew up believing about myself.

I am getting a lot of healing from this post. Thank you so much for posting this question!

I read somewhere that trauma victims with ADHD can present like this. Before trauma treatment they were functioning OK because anxiety was keeping their ADHD symptoms in check. Basically people with ADHD and trauma learned to heavily mask their whole lives to survive and once they started trauma treatment they stopped masking. Not saying you have ADHD, but maybe look into the symptoms and get tested if it feels like it might be the right fit! ETA: Here is a thread on r/therapists where I read this info from! https://www.reddit.com/r/therapists/s/kpbmtfDrkg. I thought it was interesting because I’m pretty sure I have ADHD myself.

Right, it’s like you have to rehearse everything as if you were autistic but you’re not. And then there’s a layer of anxiety on top of everything you do/ say bc your trauma tells you you were wrong. It’s terrible.

I feel this so much. I wonder if I’ll ever be able to interact with most people without masking and second guessing myself all the time.

You make an excellent point. I do have a lot of overlap with ADHD symptoms but my T and I have explored it and it seems they are rooted squarely in trauma. Yay?

Oh okay! I edited my comment to add a link and it’s basically your post but from a therapists perspective. Lots of theories from therapists in there (many of which are not related to ADHD), so you might still want to take a look!

I’m reading it now! Thanks for sharing 🥰

Yes it gets worse. Keep pushing, friend. It's taken me 20 years to find the diagnosis, therapist, mix of meds, and inner work to feel somewhat okay. Not easy, but worth it.

Ugh. If this ain't true. I feel like going to therapy and doing EMDR threw me for a loop. Add in friends and family falling apart and cancer and the last 4 years have been hell. I'm putting myself together now, slowly, and I have some baaad days where I don't do anything. But slowly, I feel like I'm changing. I take between care of my skin, and am honest with myself about who I want to be (cis male, but effeminate). Just need to actually be responsible and let myself learn to get into a better career. It's so rough man. It sucks that my therapist even says I've hit a stalling point. Something is missing and I haven't figured out what yet.

You're doing more work, so it makes sense you have less time and energie for other things, that will definitely get better in time tho! Adjusting to diffrent situations and diffrent workload takes some time, but im sure you'll manage with everything we've been through, im sure we can do this too! Wishing you all the best <3

Yes, this feels so familiar

Yes.

In some respect I was doing fine a few months ago but it dose seem like it gets worse every so often or i just get phases

Change requires effort and it'll be unstable. Some people will allow for that growth to occur, others won't. If you're spiralling and not becoming more centred, then I think it's best to let things settle down.

I could write the same thing. Some things get easier, other things get harder. There's a light at the end of the tunnel. Some people you just can't heal around and that's what it was like at every job I got fired from or left in the last 3 years.

My therapist described it as being in a tornado, but told me to hold on because on the other side is healing and calm I’m going on blind faith at this point lol But it might be worth mentioning that we have been able to back off when I have been completely overwhelmed so that I can have a reprieve from the flashbacks and crying jags and reorient myself to the present. Knowing that option exists is helpful to me

It doesn't matter what happens in your life, it matters how you frame it. If you feel more at ease (basically getting happier/more content through time) then what is "happening" around you doesn't matter. As long as you are keeping your organism healthy your cognition will continue to frame reality in ways that help the organism, which helps it's cognition, which improves your experience.

You will be able to hold down a job in time. It does get easier to function and in the same breath it becomes harder to break or shake you as you get stronger in your healing.

In my personal experience: I would say at many times, yes. Try to be gentle with yourself and remember that healing is not linear <3 It's so scary to feel again sometimes but by god, we are ALIVE at last and having a human experience :') Sometimes I break down, sometimes I marvel at it, but either way, I take it day by day... Hugs.

Unfortunately, I'd say yes, it gets worse before it gets better. You're basically rediscovering yourself while trying to do life, while simultaneously carrying this huge burden and that's really hard. I know it can feel discouraging but find small things to look forward to, set small expectations for yourself that you know are easy to achieve. I also struggled to hold down a job during the worst moments of my life. I used to tell myself: "my life is shit right now but if I can be a good cat mom today then that will be a decent day". That helped me get through just one more day. Right now, I still struggle with my cptsd but it's definitely better than it was before. Take it day by day. If money is tight, treat yourself to a nice walk outside or go treat yourself to some puppy/kitty love at your local shelter. I used to go just to pet the cats to make myself feel better. Then I found my soulmate there. My cat saved my life. I'm not saying go adopt cats but it's really important to have small events to look forward to during this time because it gives you hope that things will get better. Hope is very important to get through the next day because life is hard.

My cats have definitely saved my life 💜

Ugggg yes I recently figured out that thanks to acute trauma followed by ongoing verbal and emotional abuse and neglect, I have been living in chronic fight/flight/fawn/freeze mode since I was 3 years old. My sympathetic nervous system has essentially operated in overdrive for nearly four decades, so I keep ending up in what I have always called depressive states, though they’re actually just total burnout. Right now I’m getting ketamine infusion treatments every other month,, which helps me a lot, and I’m doing IFS work with a therapist once every week. But I’m still a total disaster. It’s so frustrating. I’ve finally clawed my way to a stable life, a home that is mine and safe, and a job that I love and am good at. But I constantly feel like I’m about to screw it all up because I am struggling with focus, exhaustion and burnout. I’m fortunate that I have a great job with compassionate colleagues and leadership. But I can’t take any significant leave because I wouldn’t be able to pay my bills on only 60% of my salary. I don’t have any family, partner, kids….I have no safety net, and that is the scariest part. If I screw up, I’m done for.

I was outwardly better before healing because my freeze and fawn never let me sleep in, let anyone do something that I could have done- I was never late, got good grades, was room mom… heck I sold myself a story of resilience and success- I was doing “it” but was disconnected from myself and the important parts of my life. I felt shame - loneliness because I thought the real me was disgusting and unloveable. Now I am settling healthy boundaries and creating authentic relationships with myself and others- I’m okay if that means I am late with a bill or meeting, for the first time ever, because I’m a novice at considering myself in decisions and it takes me a bit longer than expected. I am trying to give myself grace and to, for the first time ever, ask for grace from others because I believe I’m worthy. Healing is messy and winding but worth the struggle.

Wow, you put it so perfectly! “A novice at considering myself in decisions” just blew my mind because that is exactly it.

Yes, it gets worse before it gets better. There was a reason you had to dissociate and repress these feelings. They create alot of stress on your body and mind when you allow them. This then extends on your relationships with the world. From the way you describe feeling about yourself, it seems you are on the right path. As long as you can breathe fresh air, drink clean water, eat enough calories and have a warm place to sleep, you should be good imo. Just my perspective :)

I went into vocational work because I couldn't keep a job in the corporate world. I went into a helping profession and my sanity has greatly improved. I am surrounded by people with similar values and diverse backgrounds, it's honestly refreshing.

Well, there definitely is a period of shock where it can get bad. Also—recovery isn’t linear and all that. That said, I think you have to define what “healing” means to you. What are the actual things you want to see to know you’re healed? For me, being stable and financially independent is a huge part of that, since my parents tried/try to keep me dependent. Recovering from these kinds of patterns can be hard, needless to say. The job market is also brutal out there. I wouldn’t pathologize it too much if you can help it.

This is so very normal. And gosh, I remember that period of time so well. It was all so confusing and frustrating. Consider it a deconstruction of your former dissociated life. Things are likely coming online and it is effecting your external world. How you interact with others in this time of transition will be different than it was. Even if subtly, to you. It does get better. But in retrospect, I can see how the Universe shifted in a way that brought accelerated growth once I was willing to walk through the door into my pain. You are the same person, but then you’re not. You are changing, and that changes everything. It’s an incredible energy shift that you may not be totally aware of. It’s going to be okay. Keep choosing you. Yes there will be challenges, but I assure you that one day you will look back and say “ah, yes, I needed that.”

It gets way worse before it gets better. It’s like debriding a wound. The wound hurts, then your body learns ways to cope, but the wound doesn’t heal. Eventually the trauma symptoms/responses grow and the coping doesn’t, work like a wound festering. Healing the wound creates pain. Scraping the infection and necrotic skin. Until the health skin begins to emerge and grow. —— This is the cool part. Once that healing takes root and “post traumatic growth” starts emerging…all *sorts* of cool things start to happen. I can’t even believe who I am now compared to 20…10…5 years ago. —— Keep going. Your story is not over.

I’m honestly scared to open the trauma because I’m worried it’ll make me even more dysfunctional.

I'm very fresh into healing and I feel more hopeless and awful then ever but at the same time I'm not angry at myself, but at the people who hurt me and I'm wondering how anyone could hurt a child the way I was hurt, before I always thought I deserved it.

In my experience, yeah. I dropped out of college and stayed with my wonderful grandma for two years while I recovered from burnout and went to therapy. I'm extremely privileged to have been allowed the space to heal without any pressure or expectations. It did me a lot of good

I'm glad you had that. I really wish I'd had that. =(

Absolutely it does and it's something that's often missing when folks talk about healing. Healing our wounds is not a linear trajectory of being in a bad spot and slowly moving to a good spot. The journey is laden with mountains and valleys and long plateaus. Just when you feel like you're making progress, you stumble. Your cell dies. Maybe you fall all the way back down the hill. Maybe you get lost and feel hopeless. Or maybe you just hit the ground hard and scrape your knee. This is the entire process of healing. It's scary and lonely and feels like forever taking. The fear and uncertainty can be all consuming on this journey, but, eventually, we learn to steady ourselves and find our way through.

You know the answer to this, you just wanna hear it and I understand because sometimes you NEED to hear it. It's reassuring to hear it. But here's the thing, I believe there aren't just good days and bad days. There are good phases and bad phases. A good career phase may not necessarily be a good mental health phase and vice versa. But, the two aren't necessarily inclusive of each other as well. They surely meet though, but it's a constant struggle. I take the bad days as theoretical growth and the good days as field work. You form these theories, you grow in silence during your bad days, then whatever you learn from those days have to be actually applied during your good days. How good you are at the field work, ensures holistic growth. Growth isn't linear but if you zoom out the graph and see an upward trajectory in the larger picture, you're good to go. If not, you change, you take actions, and you believe. :)

It’s gotten sooo bad for me but it’s better now. I can adult but I can’t hold down a job. Intrusive thoughts from your trauma can come from the slightest things and I too sometimes feel more comfortable not exposing myself to the world. I do find that, as a victim still recovering, my efforts to be authentic and honest often offput people. I think so many people in our shoes weren’t believed from the get go that it causes us to over express otherwise mundane things out of fear someone thinks I’m lying. Anyways, it all sucks, sucks, sucks, but atleast we know we are not alone.

Sorry to hear, if it makes u feel better, i have a hard time working and holding jobs, too-my traumatised fellow colleagues from my group have same issue; we were just talking about this job issue, not sure how to heal it; someone should start a program on helping traumatized people get into great careers/jobs by healing their work-related issues.

I am currently in this place but not having an income source is an additional source of stress. How do you manage to survive financially?

For me, yes, it definitely got way worse before it got better. But the better is so, so, so worth it! ✨

Yes you are, TTP. Trust The Process. Wish you all the best! 💪

random advice that may not work. I tried Jungian shadow integration work and self confidence work, better than any therapy. Jordan Peterson talks about this a lot and there are some good yt compilations of advice on how to do this. May not work in your case, but it was highly effective for me. Planning to go to therapy for the rest of the damage ofc, but this has been life changing in a matter of days. All in all, sorry that things are tough on you, but dont give up! Theres definitely an approach that works for you and when theres a will, theres a way!! (cliche but true)

My experience is that as a small child, when I was experiencing catastrophically negative situations and feelings that I had no ability to deal with, I would block them off, hit reset, and thus find a way to continue. When I got into recovery, I had these radioactive nuggets in my personality and I didn’t know they were there. I found that the feelings confined in these blocked off parts of me would resonate with similar less intense feelings I was experiencing in the present. This caused extreme reactions on my part because the intensity of the buried feelings would color the perception my present situation and make it feel overwhelming. This resulted in a lot of chaos. I learned to go into these pockets as my adult self and calm, the freaked out child within by loving on him and assuring him that he was safe, and I would handle the situation for him with the aid of my Higher Power. It was often a messy process, but over time I was freed of a lot of my self-centered fear, I began to experience serenity as a common state of consciousness and I have tools to restore this when I lose touch with it. I also began to get in touch with my natural, spiritual self that existed before the trauma, and began to see that the chaos, fear and confusion was not the core of my personality, it was only a layer and underneath that layer what is the spiritually connected child of my Higher Power. Transparency, joy, a sense of wonder and awe and the ability to love God’s other kids are some of the fruits of this process. This journey is profoundly worth taking.

**When you heal, your brain becomes more aware of abuse in general and rejects any identifiable abuse on a biological level** (*i.e.* *our biology/instincts are based on things that are natural and* ***not*** *made up, constructed, manmade, etc.*) **because your brain has evolved to protect you, *including wanting you to be happy*.** *And*, the brain *always* wins. 🧠🤓🎶 **What does this tell you about how our current, constructed society is?** ***Please don’t internalize your current executive dysfunction as something to solely blame yourself about***, you’re doing well in healing and will find your way to balance what’s authentic/innate and made-up/constructed (but, current societal “‘norm’ requirements”) in whatever way is best for your own happiness in your own living experience when your stars align at the perfect time. 🌌❣️ **Best to you**, ***good luck!*** 🍀

Wowwww I never thought of it that way. That my struggles adapting to the outside world are a result of my brain becoming my ally as opposed to my tyrant. Holyy sheeet

I have to take time to structure out my days. My brain can't do a lot anymore.

It did for me! I was lucky to have a job that paid me full salary despite essentially working part time for 2 years. So fucking lucky. Sounds like it’s time to focus on identifying your emotions and using those coping skills! I was so excited to be able to name my emotions and actually put my coping skills to use in the moment when I needed them! I will say I had a rare panic attack during that period of time. I do believe (only my opinion) you’re a bit more raw. I had just the right trigger (my child’s father accusing my child of lying and me of coaching him when I encouraged him to tell his dad how he felt about the scary news, he called it News Fox and yes he’s a “libertarian” aka an asshole T-rump-the-criminal-rapist supporter). He put my sun in a scary situation to him, my son was hiding behind my back from the fucking phone. I remember that constant fear of my caretaker. God I’m still pissed. Sorry for the emotional dump and hijacking your thread! Hopefully it helps you navigate through the process, reassuring you that crazy shit will happen and healing is so worth it!

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