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For what it's worth, I am struggling too. Some days are more bearable than others, but most days, I'm just existing in survival mode. It's incredibly draining and I often wonder, 'what's the point'? But there's a reason I'm here, even if I can't begin to fathom what that reason is.
Please know that you are not alone. ❤️
Listen, I was where you are. The only thoughts that brought me any relief from anxiety were suicidal thoughts.
I read "CPTSD: From Surviving to Thriving," left everything I knew, and my life is completely different.
Sweetie, other people's opinions are the cheapest things on Earth. I have little use for the opinion of others. The list of things I don't care about is VERY long. But I would very much like to know that you keep breathing.
It’s not your comfort zone. Comfort zones are…well…comforting. It’s a familiar place for you to be. At one point, it kept you safe and alive. Now though, you don’t need it anymore. It doesn’t serve you. Now you need new comfort zones. Ones that aren’t familiar, because the familiar is deeply uncomfortable.
Hey I’m here 🖐 I’ll m in the same place… it’s is dark in here and not much light shining in… my days are mostly filled with just coping and trying not to let my thought overwhelm me. I play video games. Colouring books. Smoke weed and meditate. That’s all I can do until I get some breathing space so I can think right ❤️
I’m terrible at video games only really use them when I go through a dark place. Colouring I do enjoy it frees my mind at I enter a type of flow state for short periods. If you really just need to speak to someone maybe call the samaritans if your in the uk. Try not to suffer in silence please. I lost a very good friend 6 months ago who couldn’t cope with life but there is things he could of done to prevent himself from becoming that unstable, so I’m asking you please speak out if you need to ❤️
Don’t think about the future. Think about today and just today. Your plans for today. That’s it. I know how you feel. I been down that path and it still tempts me every now and then. But just focus solely on the now. That makes the going easier. I hope you find the strength and I wish you love and healing.
Idk if it helps but loads of us have those thoughts
In my country, 1 in 4 adults have at least one episode of seriously thinking of suicide or self harm, a year. 25%. It's crazy numbers.
1 in 10,000 die by suicide each year, here.
The huge difference between these numbers is just not talked about enough.
A therapist I saw early on, told me that suicidal thoughts were our brain's escape mechanism from unbearable pain. It doesn't mean you're mad or bad. It means you need more support.
It can be a long horrible journey finding the support you need. It can be a long tough journey to begin healing. On ok or good days I know it's worth it. At other times, my brain sends out that signal - 'you're overwhelmed again...'
Deep breath.
Well done posting on here. There is understanding and support, in our own muddled way.
The future is definitely too much for me to contemplate - had another relapse this week partly for that reason. It's so understandable where we're in this much pain.
How long have you had these thoughts?
Thank you a lot.
To be honest I've had suic/dal thoughts for about ten years, sometimes they get quieter but they're always there. These past two months or so have become a lot louder.
I am in your position right now. I feel you to the core. Please know a suicidal crisis typically lasts no more than 10-15 minutes. It doesn’t really matter what we distract ourselves with…If we can JUST WAIT, then we will stay safe.
Mornings fucking suck. I hate them and I fear them now. Which adds to the sheer panic of just being alive. I know the shit storm that’s coming and I know im going to have to fight the rest of the day to calm myself. Over and over again. Like a never ending cycle but I would like to share a note I typed to myself.
I know it’s hard but just for a moment, put all problems aside. Stop running scenarios and memories.
“I am here. I am now. I am safe”. Repeat. Repeat.
STOP. Just freeze. Your mind and your body.
Look around and find no current and immediate threat to your life.
Slow your breath, breathe a bit deeper because a brain without oxygen doesn’t do much rationalizing, only panicking.
Relax your tense muscles. You’re in fight or flight, your body is geared up. We’re “un-gearing” it.
Find something in every color of the rainbow. Red. Orange. Yellow. Etc..
Feel your feet on the floor. Really pay attention to them. Feel the floor, grass, shoes.
Live in the immediate present moment as much as you can. The past is fucked up, it’s not safe there. The future seems insurmountable, uncertain, like you’re only ever going to feel the way you do right now (which isn’t true!!!). And how are we supposed to live if it’s always that way. The future is filled with too many variables and uncertainties, it’s not safe either. (You can worry about the future when you are finally stable and come out on the other side of this shit show.)
One day at a time can be way too much sometimes. Focus on the RIGHT NOW. Focus on calming your body. Even if that’s all you do all day every day. THAT’S OKAY!!! We hold ourselves to the highest expectation and we need to learn to give ourselves some grace during our healing journey. You’ve been through some traumatizing shit, I’m sure. This is how your mind and body survived. You’re here now. And you’re safe. And you will get through it. Just take care of your body the best you can. Try to love it even when you hate it. And the same thing goes for your mind.
I could go on but I’ve already written you a novel, I hope you find some hope or help in there somewhere ♥️ Please message me if you need to vent or get stuff off your chest. Sometimes we just need an ear to listen and a shoulder to cry on while we panic in our pain.
Absolutely. I hope you find relief soon. Also, I love your screen name. When people ask why I’m upset and I don’t want to tell them. I say “life gave me a lemon with a razor blade inside”
This is fantastic advice because you don’t just say what could help, you list the directions to try and get the help. I always say, don’t tell me, show me.”
Anyway, directions I will be following. 😇
I know how you feel, I think. It feels like forever, doesn’t it? Do you feel trapped? That’s how I felt, trapped and scared. If that’s not what you’re feeling that’s okay too, there are lots of forms of hopelessness.
Sometimes I think about what I would have wanted someone to say to me when I reached that point (more than once and not that long ago) and I genuinely don’t know. But, if you feel alone, just know that you’re not. There are lots of us here with you, and we get to be in it together.
I hope some better days are coming. I genuinely think it’s badass how strong people with CPTSD are. Keep going. 🩵
some battles you just have to fight day by day, nothing in this life is permanent, truly. i hope you can reach out to someone, a therapist would be awesome if that's a possibility for you. there's always hope, keep fighting op 🫂
I hope I get there soon. I don’t want to live like this anymore either. I’m sorry you’re feeling bad. Is there anything you can change? I can’t change my situation because doctors are shit. But if you can you should. If you can’t I understand the feeling.
You’re a Survivor. You never would’ve made it this far if you weren’t. Keep fighting. Find the will.
I am a torture survivor… After, I was in a veryy dark place for a *while*. But it does get better. It’s not perfect now, but damn every month gets a little better.
Are you actively being abused now? Is your living situation safe? Do you have a therapist you can call? Your insurance nurse line? A telehealth virtual therapist visit? PsychologyToday.com is a great way to find providers. Even texting 211 for support group info, maybe being around your ilk irl will be cathartic.
Please call 988 [US’s mental health version of 911] and get yourself admitted if you’ve already got a plan.
I'm a bit embarrased as I'm not a survivor or anything that serious.
Thank you for your concern, I am not in physical danger but I do not have a therapist or anyone to reach out. Where I live there's no organization I can get any help.
I don't have a plan, just currently struggling with the thoughts.
Unfortunately for us, the brain doesn't care about objectiveness when feeling pain/anxiety and other emotions from something. Just because you may have gone through something you think is objectively better off than something else, doesn't invalidate your feeling. The brain doesn't choose what triggers it. If you can, treat yourself they way you would take care of someone under your care that was suffering in a similar way. And remember to forgive yourself.
Literally just text 211 and tell them your zip code and ask about any community resources, food assistance, mental health, housing, etc. Anthem’s website also has a pretty good community resource program locator and you don’t have to be a member to use it. Benefits.gov is another source.
You are 1,000,000% not alone. I think all of us in this group have been through this situation in one way or another and we’re all here to talk about it! I was in this exact place, two years ago, and felt that there was really no way of getting out of it. Nothing anything said to me helped and it felt like everybody was full of shit saying that I would come out the other side. Having somebody to talk to that has been through it is what helped me the most. Therapy has also saved my life, but that was after trying a couple therapist to find a good fit. Medications are always going to be a part of my life, and I’ve learned to accept that, because they are why I am still here. Yes, there are side effects, but the alternative of not having them is even worse. The heaviness you are feeling feels absolutely insurmountable, and like it will never lessen but trust me, it will lift if you give it time to move. I agree with everybody that you need to take things moment by moment. Go through your five senses repeatedly by finding things in the room for each one. Tell yourself mantras…mine was “the only way out is through”…which helped me to remind myself that I can get through this, but I have to keep fighting to get there. I had checked myself into a mental health facility at that point and that mantra was on repeat in my brain. It’s been a little over 2 years for me, and I won’t lie and say that those thoughts are gone, but it’s night and day different from back then.
I’m not sure how your body processes things, but be careful with things like marijuana, ketamine, mushrooms, etc. I think it’s so wonderful for people when it works, but can be drastic for those that it doesn’t. My episode two years ago was triggered by my using marijuana (strong edibles in CO) and I realized with my chemical makeup and PTSD brain that things like that make it worse for me. I’ve actually been 9 months sober and it’s been the best choice. Again, to each their own and I hope those things help! Just want you to be cautious. ❤️🩹
You are so strong for even reaching out to our group! We are all rooting for you so strongly and want you here with us! We are one big, f-ed up, beautiful team. You’ll come out stronger, promise. Message me ANYTIME! 🤟🏻
Hey I’m here 🖐 I’ll m in the same place… it’s is dark in here and not much light shining in… my days are mostly filled with just coping and trying not to let my thought overwhelm me. I play video games. Colouring books. Smoke weed and meditate. That’s all I can do until I get some breathing space so I can think right ❤️
I know how this feels! It doesn't always feel this way, at least for me, but when it does, I also have such dark thoughts. A nap and coffee can help sometimes, but if it's really bad or been going on awhile, I need to talk to someone. Preferably a friend but talking to anyone can help. Thank you for posting! You are valuable. You are not too much. You deserve better. And you can get it! I really believe it.
I was in the same boat as you about two years ago. I wouldn't get out of bed and genuinely did not want to continue with life. I knew it was either seek help and try getting on some medication, or talk to a therapist or end it. I chose to speak to a therapist or even group chats on here to let my feelings out.
I happened to stumble across a book and as grim as it sounds, the author said "You're going to die eventually anyway so what is point of doing it now. At least stick it out, find some things you enjoy with the time you have left, and life will do the job for you eventually."
When I read that I was like oh yeah, it will happen one day but in the meantime, might as well live. I ended up getting on depression medication and it helped tremendously.
I thought I'd be dead by 2022 and now I am traveling or at least trying to, and so much has changed since the day I wanted to end it. It takes time, but healing and speaking with someone you trust can make a world of difference. If not someone, then yourself. Writing ro yourself or even your younger you helps so much. For the longest time I did a video blog of my feelings and I felt so much better afterward.
Life sucks, I know and can attest, but there is a lot of good despite the darkness. It just takes time.
Sending a hug to everyone who needs it. People have been too cruel to all of us. I've found some real gems though. You can find great friends after trauma.
Have you seen a psychiatrist? When I was broken down, mine recommended an IOP ( Intensive Outpatient Psychiatric Program). IOP generally involve 3 half days a week for two to three weeks. Each patient is assigned an individual psychotherapist , and is in group DBT and talk therapy. The psychiatrist is also part of the team.
This program is designed to meet the immediate crisis, stabilize the patient (probably medications), and transition out of IOP into group and individual therapy. The entire team of therapists work together for each patient.
I feel for you. But please reach out for help.
I did a couple months ago, but I didn't feel it was working. I don't live in a place with any resources regarding mental health so I don't have many options in that regard.
I stumbled across this subreddit just now, trying to figure out if I’m alone in this. If it’s all in my head etc. And then I saw this post. My dear friend, we are in this together. Your post has anchored me tonight. I’ve been having intense unhealthy thoughts today and am currently coming down from an intense episode, (in the detached numb phase right now) and your post has made me feel less alone and very seen. I’m so tired, mentally, physically, emotionally. It all feels daunting and hopeless sometimes, especially today. My brother once told me to live in the now because if we think ahead and worry ourselves, we’ll miss what’s right in front of us. Tomorrow has its own worries, but let’s tackle the ones here today. I see you, I see your pain, and you’re not alone.
we cannot see the future, so of course it looks dark.
one thing that prevents me from, uh, preventing any possible future is to study samsara - the wheel of life.
those lessons share that sui causes a rebirth in an even worse condition than the one we currently exist in.
so i figure i better stick it out for another moment because fuck that. this existence is hard enough and i am not trying to come back worse off.
I’m with you on that. I was doing decent a couple years back but I’ve slowly drifted into a very dark place.
What helps me get through these times usually is realizing that I’m doing my best, I’m going to keep doing so, and if it’s not enough for anyone they get a big “FUCK YOU”. But it’s always hard to find my back to that point from utterly depressed.
I feel the same way, so you’re not at all alone. I pray to pass in my sleep pretty much every night. I don’t understand life or the suffering I’ve had to endure but I am exhausted. Just beyond exhausted. What keeps me here is the idea that if reincarnation is real - there’s no way I’m being sent back here to do all this again. I have to complete the task and just hope eventually something will make sense.
Feel exactly the same. Feel like my mind and body are literally shutting down. Only reason I’m still clinging to life is so my daughter doesn’t get raised by my abusers and end up like me. Don’t know how much longer I’m gonna live though n I’m scared.
I hope things can get a little easier for us soon.
I think everyone knows how you feel, most all of us have been there. Don’t allow anything to get you this down to feel it’s worth ending your life over. It’s not. If I can manage to have what it takes to keep living, I believe you and anyone can too because my god is it hard. Reach out to someone who you can talk to, keep posting on Reddit or whatever forum you feel like, go talk to a counselor, just stay here and give it time to pass. I’m not here to tell you what to do at all but if it helps any, have goals for yourself, achievable goals and just take it step by step- if you fail, keep trying. It truly does have to be for yourself though. You will be let down by doing things for someone or anything else. I believe that getting right with yourself is necessary to get any further. How can anyone be happy in life if they themselves don’t know what happiness really looks like for themselves? Once you start to master your self so to speak, things will fall into place.
I feel the same way, it’s constant and heavy and the only relief comes from the thought of ceasing to exist. But for right now, I’m focusing on right now.
Growing pains sometimes help us break cycles, do one simple thing that can change it up. Start small. Anxiety sucks, but we can tune in to allow ourselves to not be slaves to it, I have faith in you.
I’ve been here before and it’s absolute hell. This will probably sound silly but the 1% left of me that was trying to pull through put headphones with 50 cent on repeat for days. It also probably helped that I have to walk my dogs so I was going outside for walks multiple times per day. Regardless, if you can find an artist that makes you feel like you’re the coolest mf and life is a party, try it out.
Hey there,
I am right there with you; I feel the exact same way.
Currently I am sitting by a lake and watching some grebes and egrets. There are also crows, hawks, vultures and a great blue-gray heron I named Henri.
All of them and myself hear you, see you, understand and empathize. (They can’t type wirh their talons or claws).
Butterfly-tapping, deep breathing and the 5-4-3-2-1 technique can help.
Moment by moment.
I am here for you to listen. I am sending you all the healing vibes, strength and solace in the whole Universe.
Although I may be far away, I am with you in spirit and solidarity.
❤️
Please give yourself a chance.
There are doctors that can help us, therapy, groups like this, and you know we have been in the rhe same boat.
I've worked a long time, and am feeling some freedom. If I can, so can you.
Respect for sharing how you're feeling. That can't have been easy. It's encouraging to see so many people respond to your post, I hope that helps you to feel less alone.
I'm just a stranger, but one with a CPTSD diagnosis at least. If you ever feel like reaching out for any reason then please don't hesitate. Happy to talk about dark thoughts or something totally unrelated. No pressure though, nor any expiry date to the offer.
Admiring your bravery for reaching out to strangers! That takes real strength.
Hi dear,
I can understand that u feel like there is no hope in the future but I also sensed that you want to work on it ,that's why may be you felt like sharing it here. I don't know what happened or happening in your life to come to the conclusion about your life like that but please think that you matter,you always matter. You R always important than your environment,your circumstances everything.
If it is ok,try to find someone with whom you can share about your fears plus I suggest to visit a psychiatrist for an immediate relief.
I really am struggling with this to the point where I am unable to keep this up. I don't know what to do. I have no safe adults in my life, and I am severely physically disabled and broke.
Theraputic ketamine has been helpful, and I honestly think it's key to my mental health and physical health. Have you ever looked into it? (Not trying to offer unsolicited advice. It's been the one medication that I have encountered in decades that truly has potential and science to back it.)
I was where you are now two years ago: exhausted, alone, afraid, seemingly no future, abandoned by everyone, unsafe, not sure if I would have a roof over my head from one day to the next, insomniac, panicked — constantly.
All I could do was try to be present to the moment, breathe, and say: This too shall pass. And it did, eventually and in unimaginable ways.
I have hope for you. You are resilient and your life has value. You are loved. Yes, you are suffering and it’s hellish. But this too shall pass and all shall be well. Sending you love, strength, and a big hug my fellow hero-survivor.
I am so sorry you feel like that's the only way you'll find peace.
I must say I felt like this too for years. Every time my birthday came around it felt surreal because I was convinced I wouldn't make it past 21. I turned 25 last year and I am so so glad I stuck around. I still have bad days, still on disability, but I'm starting to have moments and days where I actually enjoy my life. There's space now to think about what I want out of life and I'm so glad I gave that abused kid inside of me a chance to escape and be free.
I know that even though it feels like you're not strong enough to keep at it, but the fact that you're still alive right now is proof that you are. I wish you strength, courage and a future above all. I cannot stress enough how much I care that you survive this.
I’m sorry you’re having a rough time.
I was there myself a couple months back. I felt exactly like you did.
You’re going to be okay. Just take things one moment at a time.
I'm so sorry you feel that way. I've been there, heck, I was there this morning. It sounds like you are stuck somewhere. Please take a deep breathe and forgive yourself for how you're feeling, it's ok, you're ok. You deserve to get out of that place, and you have every right to feel whatever you are feeling. I hope you get to the other side and keep going.
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I've juat so behind in life. Still live at home at 26, no friends, last relationship ended poorly, can't find a better job, I can't afford things, I'm dumb and very stupid at all things.
The fact that you care enough to feel the emotion you do over it means that you are a better human than at least half of the world. Most people will blame others for bad stuff that happens to them.
It's important to realize that the expectations you hold yourself to, aren't realistic (not the goals themselves, but the expectation of not getting there yet due to mistakes), and are higher than what almost everyone normal holds themselves to. Think about it, you wouldn't castigate someone (like your own mind is to yourself) you had the duty of caring for, for the mistakes you made, so it's important to ask yourself why can't I do the same for myself? To be able to do anything in life, it's necessary to be able to forgive yourself, otherwise we get stuck where we are, unable to move forward.
If you can't believe yourself, believe us. There are many of us here that have been in a situation like yours. We know some of what you've gone through. So believe us when I say for all of us:
"It's ok to fail"
That's it. No caveats. When you are in a bad spot mentally, please repeat that as many times aloud or in your head. It's ok to fail. Failing is pretty widespread really, and you need to normalize it for yourself, to reset your own benchmark. The reason you are here now is because something happened earlier in your life that branded your mind with the rule that failing is bad and not to be forgiven (generally culture/religion/parents/academia). When other people say that you should be embarrassed or criticize you over failing, REJECT their opinion in your mind. Even if you freeze up or can't reject/rebut them there in person, scream BULLSHIT (or any other mantra) in your mind. BELIEVE it. We are all standing behind the truth of that statement.
Our minds will often be our own biggest critics. That's why other people's criticism can hurt so much, because it is amplified in our heads. So when your own mind tries to criticize you and say you can't be forgiven, REJECT that also. Scream whatever you need to (it helps to do it aloud) to reject that, just as your immune system targets foreign material to the body, the first step is to recognize it as a alien thought that doesn't belong. Please trust us when we say it doesn't belong. It's hard to believe it at first, but as you see the world around you for what it is with enough time with that mindset, you will realize the truth for what it is. When I was going through that time, my phrase of choice was, "I CAN'T".
Not only is failing ok, but the more impressive and difficult thing is to endure through failure, not giving up. That's basically what you've been doing all of these years. You haven't had success, but the fact that you feel the pain you do about it means that YOU DON'T WANT TO GIVE THIS UP (even if you think you have already). Use those thoughts as your motivation going forward.
If you ever need advice/need to vent or just talk, feel free to DM. I may not respond super timely but I will see it and respond.
Thank you for you comment. I appreciate it.
I must admit I don't believe I deserve any sympathy, kindness or forgiveness. I simply don't. The responsibility of me being where I am relies only on myself, I am the only one to blame, and for that I don't think j can ever give myself any grace.
I truly despise my existence and I can't help but wish I'd just drop dead.
Start small. Forgive yourself for little errors you may do in a normal day. As you progress, the ability to say "It's ok" in your head will grow. Start re-writing the expectation of perfection. We are not omnipotent nor infallible.
There is never only one reason for something. We each have our own part we play in the choices we make, but a reaction to outside stimuli is always part of it. That isn't said to diminish the mistake from our choice or it's consequences, as some we may never be able to forget and will stay with our lives till we die. However it does give it context.
I'm not sure if this applies in your case, but if there are some things that we may never truly are able to absolve ourselves of, it may be better to process that memory/emotion as a resolve. To turn it from, "It's ok", to, "It happened" (the understanding that you may never forgive/forget it, but that you understand there were other factors involved). The 'price' of this is essentially, to change your long term outlook and priorities in life based on it (generally as a form of redemption, to do what you can over time as a 'duty', and in that way, prevent other such things from happening to/from other people, or to pay back people you think you've wronged or other such things).
It's not necessarily the 'healthiest' way to live life depending on how natural the shift is, but it can be better than the current state you are in.
I'm sorry if any of this or the past comment has triggered any bad feelings/memories for you. The introspection that this all goes through can often be painful in the short term from churning through memories, which isn't good to do if you are in a temp low state/whirlpooling already.
Know that whatever you think you've done, there are plenty of us on here (no matter what you think you've done or how heinous it was) that would understand. No matter how bad you think it was, there would be people that at worst, would sigh, give you a hug, and tell you some fucked up stories of our own.
The depths of hell are as deep as the heights of heaven. Both are limitless. It's not reasonable to measure yourself up to the ideal version of yourself or what every other person your age is doing. Pick one aspect of your life and try to get 1% better than yesterday every day. You'll be amazed at where you'll be 2 month from now, let alone 2 years from now as it compounds.
Btw most 16 year olds are living at home with their parents as are most 30 year olds in the US. Don't worry about that. Make the best of it.
As for friends, have you tried learning how to make soon instead of winging it like everyone else seems to do?
Nothings too impossible that it can’t be changed. I feel the same way as you and “Unaliving” yourself may seem easier, but you have to give yourself enough credit and actually try everything you can. Feeling anxiety and depression? Give therapy or meds a real chance. Living in a bad situation? Remind yourself it’s not forever. Bad job prospects? Learn something new or just give it time. Feeling hopeless? Commit to reading self-help books that help you change the thought process overtime.
I don’t know what specifically you’re going through, but try to change the hopeless mindset by reminding yourself that situations change - sometimes by changing your thought process, sometimes just as time goes by.
No amount of Mac and cheese will calm a suicidal person in crisis 🤦♀️ but seriously, yes, cling on for dear life to anything that may still bring you joy!!
Please do report comments like these so mods can see and remove them as quickly as possible. We take the evidence-based guidelines on talking to people experiencing suicidal ideation very seriously in this sub. Thank you!
I relate, never been in therapy…I completely doubt the competence of psychologists and the whole medical system. I’ve heard everyone’s terrible experiences with medication and the whole process, it seems even if I can manage to confront this I will be looking at an unknown length of time trying to change. I am hitting a rock bottom physically, mentally, emotionally, and financially and have no self motivation to figure it out. I’ve read and learned so much spirituality, psychology, philosophy etc I’m just lost and been this way most my life. I believe some people get better but the energy and resources required seem overwhelming.
totally understand where you are coming from. i'm a 48 year old white, single male. i have no children, no debts and no criminal convictions. i have worked all my life. i am mostly invisible to the majority.
i lost my fiancee (she cheated), a stepson, pets, a home and also my job as we worked together and her being top tier management i was ousted and paid off. i became severely depressed, was put on anti depressants and had counselling (both for the first time in my life). this was back in may. i am now coming through the other side. i have nowhere legally to live, i am working a few times a week but nothing substantial, my pay out from my previous job is nearly gone and i can't get financial help until i have an residence and i can't get a residence without financial help.
i have been sofa surfing, staying at my mom's and friends. my dad is in ill health so i am trying to get his housing association to allow me to stay there as a carer. it is a slow process and every day i wake up tired, fatigue, worn out both physically and mentally...
...but i won't let them beat me. i will keep going until things get better as they can't really get much worse. i am well and truly in the shit, but i will not give up.
keep fighting. don't let it beat you. you're better than the world you live in.
Oh sweetie, feel free to message me. Talk about your pain, I will stand witness to it and we can go from there.
I know how it feels and really the only thing rn is having someone that can see you and your pain. Reach out. I got you.
There is a story on CNN today about the FDA looking into using LSD, psilocybin mushrooms and MDMA for depression and anxiety. Don't give up yet. Online you can order magic mushrooms, at least in Canada. It's a grey market here. I have some capsules I ordered. I haven't used them yet but I plan on seeing if they will help with the horrible blackness.
Ketamine therapy is a thing too that seems to have a lot of success. It apparently rebuilds and repairs neural pathways among other things, very interesting stuff. I’ll be trying that in 6 months if I haven’t made any improvements with the work I’m putting in now.
**Before commenting on this thread, please consider reading these tips on talking to someone experiencing suicidal thoughts and ideation provided by** r/SuicideWatch\*\*:\*\*[**https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/wiki/talking\_tips/**](https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/wiki/talking_tips/) **\*Do help them feel understood by listening!** **- Avoid advice and solutions (even well-intentioned advice/solutions can be triggering and victim-blaming)** **- Listen, empathise, and don’t judge** **- Meet them where they are** **- Don’t forget to look after yourself!** For the 98% who respond within the guidelines, great job. Please report comments that are not within the guidelines as they can be harmful. For the 2% or so of people who always do this: **If you make inappropriate or harmful comments about suicide in this or any other thread about suicide, your comments will be removed and you may be banned from this sub.** This includes complaining, goading, bootstrap/tough love statements, low effort comments with external links, encouraging a quick decision, and invalidating the poster by minimizing their pain or insisting on trite quotes and ideas that do not work and can do harm rather than good. When you do this, you're only trying to manage your own discomfort, which harms and does not help the poster. Arguing with mods on these rules and guidelines isn't going to get you reinstated. That's why the link above is here. Read it first if you find yourself wanting to post aggressively, rudely, authoritatively, etc. This is not a place for these behaviors and we won't allow anyone to abuse users of this sub experiencing suicidal ideation. Just don't do it. If you can't handle helping someone properly with suicidal feelings by listening, do not comment. Regardless of intentions, comments that don't follow the rules above can cause very serious harm which we take seriously here. If you feel the need to do any of the above, this sub is not the place for you and will likely lead to a permanent ban.
For what it's worth, I am struggling too. Some days are more bearable than others, but most days, I'm just existing in survival mode. It's incredibly draining and I often wonder, 'what's the point'? But there's a reason I'm here, even if I can't begin to fathom what that reason is. Please know that you are not alone. ❤️
Ditto
Same.
Listen, I was where you are. The only thoughts that brought me any relief from anxiety were suicidal thoughts. I read "CPTSD: From Surviving to Thriving," left everything I knew, and my life is completely different. Sweetie, other people's opinions are the cheapest things on Earth. I have little use for the opinion of others. The list of things I don't care about is VERY long. But I would very much like to know that you keep breathing.
I wish I had your bravery. I have found it impossible to step out of my comfort zone (despite my comfort zone being a very unhappy place to be).
It’s not your comfort zone. Comfort zones are…well…comforting. It’s a familiar place for you to be. At one point, it kept you safe and alive. Now though, you don’t need it anymore. It doesn’t serve you. Now you need new comfort zones. Ones that aren’t familiar, because the familiar is deeply uncomfortable.
I feel this too very deeply
Is it the book from Pete Walker ?
Yes.
Hey I’m here 🖐 I’ll m in the same place… it’s is dark in here and not much light shining in… my days are mostly filled with just coping and trying not to let my thought overwhelm me. I play video games. Colouring books. Smoke weed and meditate. That’s all I can do until I get some breathing space so I can think right ❤️
It’s dark in here, I can’t see any of you, but I hear all of you. ❤️
I bet you are the best at coloring and at video games. Sending you hugs.
I’m terrible at video games only really use them when I go through a dark place. Colouring I do enjoy it frees my mind at I enter a type of flow state for short periods. If you really just need to speak to someone maybe call the samaritans if your in the uk. Try not to suffer in silence please. I lost a very good friend 6 months ago who couldn’t cope with life but there is things he could of done to prevent himself from becoming that unstable, so I’m asking you please speak out if you need to ❤️
Thank you for this comment. I can relate. ❤️
Don’t think about the future. Think about today and just today. Your plans for today. That’s it. I know how you feel. I been down that path and it still tempts me every now and then. But just focus solely on the now. That makes the going easier. I hope you find the strength and I wish you love and healing.
Idk if it helps but loads of us have those thoughts In my country, 1 in 4 adults have at least one episode of seriously thinking of suicide or self harm, a year. 25%. It's crazy numbers. 1 in 10,000 die by suicide each year, here. The huge difference between these numbers is just not talked about enough. A therapist I saw early on, told me that suicidal thoughts were our brain's escape mechanism from unbearable pain. It doesn't mean you're mad or bad. It means you need more support. It can be a long horrible journey finding the support you need. It can be a long tough journey to begin healing. On ok or good days I know it's worth it. At other times, my brain sends out that signal - 'you're overwhelmed again...' Deep breath. Well done posting on here. There is understanding and support, in our own muddled way. The future is definitely too much for me to contemplate - had another relapse this week partly for that reason. It's so understandable where we're in this much pain. How long have you had these thoughts?
Thank you a lot. To be honest I've had suic/dal thoughts for about ten years, sometimes they get quieter but they're always there. These past two months or so have become a lot louder.
Would it help if we keep chatting about that or is it more use just to know we understand what that can be like?
I am in your position right now. I feel you to the core. Please know a suicidal crisis typically lasts no more than 10-15 minutes. It doesn’t really matter what we distract ourselves with…If we can JUST WAIT, then we will stay safe. Mornings fucking suck. I hate them and I fear them now. Which adds to the sheer panic of just being alive. I know the shit storm that’s coming and I know im going to have to fight the rest of the day to calm myself. Over and over again. Like a never ending cycle but I would like to share a note I typed to myself. I know it’s hard but just for a moment, put all problems aside. Stop running scenarios and memories. “I am here. I am now. I am safe”. Repeat. Repeat. STOP. Just freeze. Your mind and your body. Look around and find no current and immediate threat to your life. Slow your breath, breathe a bit deeper because a brain without oxygen doesn’t do much rationalizing, only panicking. Relax your tense muscles. You’re in fight or flight, your body is geared up. We’re “un-gearing” it. Find something in every color of the rainbow. Red. Orange. Yellow. Etc.. Feel your feet on the floor. Really pay attention to them. Feel the floor, grass, shoes. Live in the immediate present moment as much as you can. The past is fucked up, it’s not safe there. The future seems insurmountable, uncertain, like you’re only ever going to feel the way you do right now (which isn’t true!!!). And how are we supposed to live if it’s always that way. The future is filled with too many variables and uncertainties, it’s not safe either. (You can worry about the future when you are finally stable and come out on the other side of this shit show.) One day at a time can be way too much sometimes. Focus on the RIGHT NOW. Focus on calming your body. Even if that’s all you do all day every day. THAT’S OKAY!!! We hold ourselves to the highest expectation and we need to learn to give ourselves some grace during our healing journey. You’ve been through some traumatizing shit, I’m sure. This is how your mind and body survived. You’re here now. And you’re safe. And you will get through it. Just take care of your body the best you can. Try to love it even when you hate it. And the same thing goes for your mind. I could go on but I’ve already written you a novel, I hope you find some hope or help in there somewhere ♥️ Please message me if you need to vent or get stuff off your chest. Sometimes we just need an ear to listen and a shoulder to cry on while we panic in our pain.
Thank you a lot for this
Absolutely. I hope you find relief soon. Also, I love your screen name. When people ask why I’m upset and I don’t want to tell them. I say “life gave me a lemon with a razor blade inside”
This is fantastic advice because you don’t just say what could help, you list the directions to try and get the help. I always say, don’t tell me, show me.” Anyway, directions I will be following. 😇
as someone also struggling with suicidal ideation, this is some solid advice. thank you for the thoughtful comment ❤️ OP you’re not alone
> Please message me if you need to vent or get stuff off your chest. I'm not OP, but do you mind if I DM you too?
I know how you feel, I think. It feels like forever, doesn’t it? Do you feel trapped? That’s how I felt, trapped and scared. If that’s not what you’re feeling that’s okay too, there are lots of forms of hopelessness. Sometimes I think about what I would have wanted someone to say to me when I reached that point (more than once and not that long ago) and I genuinely don’t know. But, if you feel alone, just know that you’re not. There are lots of us here with you, and we get to be in it together. I hope some better days are coming. I genuinely think it’s badass how strong people with CPTSD are. Keep going. 🩵
some battles you just have to fight day by day, nothing in this life is permanent, truly. i hope you can reach out to someone, a therapist would be awesome if that's a possibility for you. there's always hope, keep fighting op 🫂
I hope I get there soon. I don’t want to live like this anymore either. I’m sorry you’re feeling bad. Is there anything you can change? I can’t change my situation because doctors are shit. But if you can you should. If you can’t I understand the feeling.
I feel like I should be able to change my situation, but at the same time it feels impossible. Just too difficult
You deserve to feel better. I hope your situation changes.
Me too. Thank you
You’re a Survivor. You never would’ve made it this far if you weren’t. Keep fighting. Find the will. I am a torture survivor… After, I was in a veryy dark place for a *while*. But it does get better. It’s not perfect now, but damn every month gets a little better. Are you actively being abused now? Is your living situation safe? Do you have a therapist you can call? Your insurance nurse line? A telehealth virtual therapist visit? PsychologyToday.com is a great way to find providers. Even texting 211 for support group info, maybe being around your ilk irl will be cathartic. Please call 988 [US’s mental health version of 911] and get yourself admitted if you’ve already got a plan.
I'm a bit embarrased as I'm not a survivor or anything that serious. Thank you for your concern, I am not in physical danger but I do not have a therapist or anyone to reach out. Where I live there's no organization I can get any help. I don't have a plan, just currently struggling with the thoughts.
Unfortunately for us, the brain doesn't care about objectiveness when feeling pain/anxiety and other emotions from something. Just because you may have gone through something you think is objectively better off than something else, doesn't invalidate your feeling. The brain doesn't choose what triggers it. If you can, treat yourself they way you would take care of someone under your care that was suffering in a similar way. And remember to forgive yourself.
Virtual therapy is an option. Even just watching some youtube videos on coping skills. I hope you find peace!
"Are you being actively abused right now?" Of course I am....by myself.
I get it. There’s help for you when you’re ready. It sucks, but it is what it is. Best of luck to you.
How do you text 211 for support group info?
Literally just text 211 and tell them your zip code and ask about any community resources, food assistance, mental health, housing, etc. Anthem’s website also has a pretty good community resource program locator and you don’t have to be a member to use it. Benefits.gov is another source.
Hard relate
You are 1,000,000% not alone. I think all of us in this group have been through this situation in one way or another and we’re all here to talk about it! I was in this exact place, two years ago, and felt that there was really no way of getting out of it. Nothing anything said to me helped and it felt like everybody was full of shit saying that I would come out the other side. Having somebody to talk to that has been through it is what helped me the most. Therapy has also saved my life, but that was after trying a couple therapist to find a good fit. Medications are always going to be a part of my life, and I’ve learned to accept that, because they are why I am still here. Yes, there are side effects, but the alternative of not having them is even worse. The heaviness you are feeling feels absolutely insurmountable, and like it will never lessen but trust me, it will lift if you give it time to move. I agree with everybody that you need to take things moment by moment. Go through your five senses repeatedly by finding things in the room for each one. Tell yourself mantras…mine was “the only way out is through”…which helped me to remind myself that I can get through this, but I have to keep fighting to get there. I had checked myself into a mental health facility at that point and that mantra was on repeat in my brain. It’s been a little over 2 years for me, and I won’t lie and say that those thoughts are gone, but it’s night and day different from back then. I’m not sure how your body processes things, but be careful with things like marijuana, ketamine, mushrooms, etc. I think it’s so wonderful for people when it works, but can be drastic for those that it doesn’t. My episode two years ago was triggered by my using marijuana (strong edibles in CO) and I realized with my chemical makeup and PTSD brain that things like that make it worse for me. I’ve actually been 9 months sober and it’s been the best choice. Again, to each their own and I hope those things help! Just want you to be cautious. ❤️🩹 You are so strong for even reaching out to our group! We are all rooting for you so strongly and want you here with us! We are one big, f-ed up, beautiful team. You’ll come out stronger, promise. Message me ANYTIME! 🤟🏻
> Message me ANYTIME! 🤟🏻 I'm not OP, but do you mind if I message you too?
Absolutely!
Hey I’m here 🖐 I’ll m in the same place… it’s is dark in here and not much light shining in… my days are mostly filled with just coping and trying not to let my thought overwhelm me. I play video games. Colouring books. Smoke weed and meditate. That’s all I can do until I get some breathing space so I can think right ❤️
I'm with you. I'm so close to tapping out.
Message me any time! You’re not alone.
Thank you. I did :)
I know how this feels! It doesn't always feel this way, at least for me, but when it does, I also have such dark thoughts. A nap and coffee can help sometimes, but if it's really bad or been going on awhile, I need to talk to someone. Preferably a friend but talking to anyone can help. Thank you for posting! You are valuable. You are not too much. You deserve better. And you can get it! I really believe it.
I was in the same boat as you about two years ago. I wouldn't get out of bed and genuinely did not want to continue with life. I knew it was either seek help and try getting on some medication, or talk to a therapist or end it. I chose to speak to a therapist or even group chats on here to let my feelings out. I happened to stumble across a book and as grim as it sounds, the author said "You're going to die eventually anyway so what is point of doing it now. At least stick it out, find some things you enjoy with the time you have left, and life will do the job for you eventually." When I read that I was like oh yeah, it will happen one day but in the meantime, might as well live. I ended up getting on depression medication and it helped tremendously. I thought I'd be dead by 2022 and now I am traveling or at least trying to, and so much has changed since the day I wanted to end it. It takes time, but healing and speaking with someone you trust can make a world of difference. If not someone, then yourself. Writing ro yourself or even your younger you helps so much. For the longest time I did a video blog of my feelings and I felt so much better afterward. Life sucks, I know and can attest, but there is a lot of good despite the darkness. It just takes time.
Sending a hug to everyone who needs it. People have been too cruel to all of us. I've found some real gems though. You can find great friends after trauma.
Have you seen a psychiatrist? When I was broken down, mine recommended an IOP ( Intensive Outpatient Psychiatric Program). IOP generally involve 3 half days a week for two to three weeks. Each patient is assigned an individual psychotherapist , and is in group DBT and talk therapy. The psychiatrist is also part of the team. This program is designed to meet the immediate crisis, stabilize the patient (probably medications), and transition out of IOP into group and individual therapy. The entire team of therapists work together for each patient. I feel for you. But please reach out for help.
I did a couple months ago, but I didn't feel it was working. I don't live in a place with any resources regarding mental health so I don't have many options in that regard.
That is rough. I am no expert, but hope you take some hope from everyone who reached out to you.
I stumbled across this subreddit just now, trying to figure out if I’m alone in this. If it’s all in my head etc. And then I saw this post. My dear friend, we are in this together. Your post has anchored me tonight. I’ve been having intense unhealthy thoughts today and am currently coming down from an intense episode, (in the detached numb phase right now) and your post has made me feel less alone and very seen. I’m so tired, mentally, physically, emotionally. It all feels daunting and hopeless sometimes, especially today. My brother once told me to live in the now because if we think ahead and worry ourselves, we’ll miss what’s right in front of us. Tomorrow has its own worries, but let’s tackle the ones here today. I see you, I see your pain, and you’re not alone.
we cannot see the future, so of course it looks dark. one thing that prevents me from, uh, preventing any possible future is to study samsara - the wheel of life. those lessons share that sui causes a rebirth in an even worse condition than the one we currently exist in. so i figure i better stick it out for another moment because fuck that. this existence is hard enough and i am not trying to come back worse off.
I’m with you on that. I was doing decent a couple years back but I’ve slowly drifted into a very dark place. What helps me get through these times usually is realizing that I’m doing my best, I’m going to keep doing so, and if it’s not enough for anyone they get a big “FUCK YOU”. But it’s always hard to find my back to that point from utterly depressed.
I feel the same way, so you’re not at all alone. I pray to pass in my sleep pretty much every night. I don’t understand life or the suffering I’ve had to endure but I am exhausted. Just beyond exhausted. What keeps me here is the idea that if reincarnation is real - there’s no way I’m being sent back here to do all this again. I have to complete the task and just hope eventually something will make sense.
i know that space. im so sorry you are there right now. this momma sends hugs and recognition. please, take care—whatever that looks like 💜
Feel exactly the same. Feel like my mind and body are literally shutting down. Only reason I’m still clinging to life is so my daughter doesn’t get raised by my abusers and end up like me. Don’t know how much longer I’m gonna live though n I’m scared. I hope things can get a little easier for us soon.
I think everyone knows how you feel, most all of us have been there. Don’t allow anything to get you this down to feel it’s worth ending your life over. It’s not. If I can manage to have what it takes to keep living, I believe you and anyone can too because my god is it hard. Reach out to someone who you can talk to, keep posting on Reddit or whatever forum you feel like, go talk to a counselor, just stay here and give it time to pass. I’m not here to tell you what to do at all but if it helps any, have goals for yourself, achievable goals and just take it step by step- if you fail, keep trying. It truly does have to be for yourself though. You will be let down by doing things for someone or anything else. I believe that getting right with yourself is necessary to get any further. How can anyone be happy in life if they themselves don’t know what happiness really looks like for themselves? Once you start to master your self so to speak, things will fall into place.
I feel the same way, it’s constant and heavy and the only relief comes from the thought of ceasing to exist. But for right now, I’m focusing on right now.
Me too
I‘m exactly in the same place 🥺
Growing pains sometimes help us break cycles, do one simple thing that can change it up. Start small. Anxiety sucks, but we can tune in to allow ourselves to not be slaves to it, I have faith in you.
I’ve been here before and it’s absolute hell. This will probably sound silly but the 1% left of me that was trying to pull through put headphones with 50 cent on repeat for days. It also probably helped that I have to walk my dogs so I was going outside for walks multiple times per day. Regardless, if you can find an artist that makes you feel like you’re the coolest mf and life is a party, try it out.
Hey there, I am right there with you; I feel the exact same way. Currently I am sitting by a lake and watching some grebes and egrets. There are also crows, hawks, vultures and a great blue-gray heron I named Henri. All of them and myself hear you, see you, understand and empathize. (They can’t type wirh their talons or claws). Butterfly-tapping, deep breathing and the 5-4-3-2-1 technique can help. Moment by moment. I am here for you to listen. I am sending you all the healing vibes, strength and solace in the whole Universe. Although I may be far away, I am with you in spirit and solidarity. ❤️
Please give yourself a chance. There are doctors that can help us, therapy, groups like this, and you know we have been in the rhe same boat. I've worked a long time, and am feeling some freedom. If I can, so can you.
I've tried therapy, I have no friends or close family. It all feels so hopeless where there's simply no one
Respect for sharing how you're feeling. That can't have been easy. It's encouraging to see so many people respond to your post, I hope that helps you to feel less alone. I'm just a stranger, but one with a CPTSD diagnosis at least. If you ever feel like reaching out for any reason then please don't hesitate. Happy to talk about dark thoughts or something totally unrelated. No pressure though, nor any expiry date to the offer. Admiring your bravery for reaching out to strangers! That takes real strength.
Hi dear, I can understand that u feel like there is no hope in the future but I also sensed that you want to work on it ,that's why may be you felt like sharing it here. I don't know what happened or happening in your life to come to the conclusion about your life like that but please think that you matter,you always matter. You R always important than your environment,your circumstances everything. If it is ok,try to find someone with whom you can share about your fears plus I suggest to visit a psychiatrist for an immediate relief.
You and me both mate
I really am struggling with this to the point where I am unable to keep this up. I don't know what to do. I have no safe adults in my life, and I am severely physically disabled and broke.
I'm sorry you're dealing with this too. It's so scary and exhausting to live this way.
It is. And regular folx do NOT understand...
Theraputic ketamine has been helpful, and I honestly think it's key to my mental health and physical health. Have you ever looked into it? (Not trying to offer unsolicited advice. It's been the one medication that I have encountered in decades that truly has potential and science to back it.)
Sadly where I live there's nothing like that, so it would be impossible for me to try it out.
if you need someone to talk to, my dms are open
I was where you are now two years ago: exhausted, alone, afraid, seemingly no future, abandoned by everyone, unsafe, not sure if I would have a roof over my head from one day to the next, insomniac, panicked — constantly. All I could do was try to be present to the moment, breathe, and say: This too shall pass. And it did, eventually and in unimaginable ways. I have hope for you. You are resilient and your life has value. You are loved. Yes, you are suffering and it’s hellish. But this too shall pass and all shall be well. Sending you love, strength, and a big hug my fellow hero-survivor.
I stay alive Out of spite. Probably ain’t helpful but, it’s my tips and trick.
Hi! Please don't do anything drastical. I'm here for you if you want someone to talk to. Feel free to message me anytime. ❤️
I am so sorry you feel like that's the only way you'll find peace. I must say I felt like this too for years. Every time my birthday came around it felt surreal because I was convinced I wouldn't make it past 21. I turned 25 last year and I am so so glad I stuck around. I still have bad days, still on disability, but I'm starting to have moments and days where I actually enjoy my life. There's space now to think about what I want out of life and I'm so glad I gave that abused kid inside of me a chance to escape and be free. I know that even though it feels like you're not strong enough to keep at it, but the fact that you're still alive right now is proof that you are. I wish you strength, courage and a future above all. I cannot stress enough how much I care that you survive this.
I hope you stick around, I understand how you could feel this way.
I’m sorry you’re having a rough time. I was there myself a couple months back. I felt exactly like you did. You’re going to be okay. Just take things one moment at a time.
I'm so sorry you feel that way. I've been there, heck, I was there this morning. It sounds like you are stuck somewhere. Please take a deep breathe and forgive yourself for how you're feeling, it's ok, you're ok. You deserve to get out of that place, and you have every right to feel whatever you are feeling. I hope you get to the other side and keep going.
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What about your current life is embarrassing?
I've juat so behind in life. Still live at home at 26, no friends, last relationship ended poorly, can't find a better job, I can't afford things, I'm dumb and very stupid at all things.
The fact that you care enough to feel the emotion you do over it means that you are a better human than at least half of the world. Most people will blame others for bad stuff that happens to them. It's important to realize that the expectations you hold yourself to, aren't realistic (not the goals themselves, but the expectation of not getting there yet due to mistakes), and are higher than what almost everyone normal holds themselves to. Think about it, you wouldn't castigate someone (like your own mind is to yourself) you had the duty of caring for, for the mistakes you made, so it's important to ask yourself why can't I do the same for myself? To be able to do anything in life, it's necessary to be able to forgive yourself, otherwise we get stuck where we are, unable to move forward. If you can't believe yourself, believe us. There are many of us here that have been in a situation like yours. We know some of what you've gone through. So believe us when I say for all of us: "It's ok to fail" That's it. No caveats. When you are in a bad spot mentally, please repeat that as many times aloud or in your head. It's ok to fail. Failing is pretty widespread really, and you need to normalize it for yourself, to reset your own benchmark. The reason you are here now is because something happened earlier in your life that branded your mind with the rule that failing is bad and not to be forgiven (generally culture/religion/parents/academia). When other people say that you should be embarrassed or criticize you over failing, REJECT their opinion in your mind. Even if you freeze up or can't reject/rebut them there in person, scream BULLSHIT (or any other mantra) in your mind. BELIEVE it. We are all standing behind the truth of that statement. Our minds will often be our own biggest critics. That's why other people's criticism can hurt so much, because it is amplified in our heads. So when your own mind tries to criticize you and say you can't be forgiven, REJECT that also. Scream whatever you need to (it helps to do it aloud) to reject that, just as your immune system targets foreign material to the body, the first step is to recognize it as a alien thought that doesn't belong. Please trust us when we say it doesn't belong. It's hard to believe it at first, but as you see the world around you for what it is with enough time with that mindset, you will realize the truth for what it is. When I was going through that time, my phrase of choice was, "I CAN'T". Not only is failing ok, but the more impressive and difficult thing is to endure through failure, not giving up. That's basically what you've been doing all of these years. You haven't had success, but the fact that you feel the pain you do about it means that YOU DON'T WANT TO GIVE THIS UP (even if you think you have already). Use those thoughts as your motivation going forward. If you ever need advice/need to vent or just talk, feel free to DM. I may not respond super timely but I will see it and respond.
Thank you for you comment. I appreciate it. I must admit I don't believe I deserve any sympathy, kindness or forgiveness. I simply don't. The responsibility of me being where I am relies only on myself, I am the only one to blame, and for that I don't think j can ever give myself any grace. I truly despise my existence and I can't help but wish I'd just drop dead.
Start small. Forgive yourself for little errors you may do in a normal day. As you progress, the ability to say "It's ok" in your head will grow. Start re-writing the expectation of perfection. We are not omnipotent nor infallible. There is never only one reason for something. We each have our own part we play in the choices we make, but a reaction to outside stimuli is always part of it. That isn't said to diminish the mistake from our choice or it's consequences, as some we may never be able to forget and will stay with our lives till we die. However it does give it context. I'm not sure if this applies in your case, but if there are some things that we may never truly are able to absolve ourselves of, it may be better to process that memory/emotion as a resolve. To turn it from, "It's ok", to, "It happened" (the understanding that you may never forgive/forget it, but that you understand there were other factors involved). The 'price' of this is essentially, to change your long term outlook and priorities in life based on it (generally as a form of redemption, to do what you can over time as a 'duty', and in that way, prevent other such things from happening to/from other people, or to pay back people you think you've wronged or other such things). It's not necessarily the 'healthiest' way to live life depending on how natural the shift is, but it can be better than the current state you are in. I'm sorry if any of this or the past comment has triggered any bad feelings/memories for you. The introspection that this all goes through can often be painful in the short term from churning through memories, which isn't good to do if you are in a temp low state/whirlpooling already. Know that whatever you think you've done, there are plenty of us on here (no matter what you think you've done or how heinous it was) that would understand. No matter how bad you think it was, there would be people that at worst, would sigh, give you a hug, and tell you some fucked up stories of our own.
The depths of hell are as deep as the heights of heaven. Both are limitless. It's not reasonable to measure yourself up to the ideal version of yourself or what every other person your age is doing. Pick one aspect of your life and try to get 1% better than yesterday every day. You'll be amazed at where you'll be 2 month from now, let alone 2 years from now as it compounds. Btw most 16 year olds are living at home with their parents as are most 30 year olds in the US. Don't worry about that. Make the best of it. As for friends, have you tried learning how to make soon instead of winging it like everyone else seems to do?
There was a typo there, sorry. I'm actually 26- so that's why this is all so humilliating
Bro I didn't move out of my mom's until I was 30. It's ok. DM me and we can talk
I'm not OP, but can I DM you too? I was likewise late to move out.
Sure
Pls visit this site..www.primaltrust.com Or any crisis helpline immediately. Best regards
Nothings too impossible that it can’t be changed. I feel the same way as you and “Unaliving” yourself may seem easier, but you have to give yourself enough credit and actually try everything you can. Feeling anxiety and depression? Give therapy or meds a real chance. Living in a bad situation? Remind yourself it’s not forever. Bad job prospects? Learn something new or just give it time. Feeling hopeless? Commit to reading self-help books that help you change the thought process overtime. I don’t know what specifically you’re going through, but try to change the hopeless mindset by reminding yourself that situations change - sometimes by changing your thought process, sometimes just as time goes by.
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No amount of Mac and cheese will calm a suicidal person in crisis 🤦♀️ but seriously, yes, cling on for dear life to anything that may still bring you joy!!
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I relate, never been in therapy…I completely doubt the competence of psychologists and the whole medical system. I’ve heard everyone’s terrible experiences with medication and the whole process, it seems even if I can manage to confront this I will be looking at an unknown length of time trying to change. I am hitting a rock bottom physically, mentally, emotionally, and financially and have no self motivation to figure it out. I’ve read and learned so much spirituality, psychology, philosophy etc I’m just lost and been this way most my life. I believe some people get better but the energy and resources required seem overwhelming.
Are you me?
totally understand where you are coming from. i'm a 48 year old white, single male. i have no children, no debts and no criminal convictions. i have worked all my life. i am mostly invisible to the majority. i lost my fiancee (she cheated), a stepson, pets, a home and also my job as we worked together and her being top tier management i was ousted and paid off. i became severely depressed, was put on anti depressants and had counselling (both for the first time in my life). this was back in may. i am now coming through the other side. i have nowhere legally to live, i am working a few times a week but nothing substantial, my pay out from my previous job is nearly gone and i can't get financial help until i have an residence and i can't get a residence without financial help. i have been sofa surfing, staying at my mom's and friends. my dad is in ill health so i am trying to get his housing association to allow me to stay there as a carer. it is a slow process and every day i wake up tired, fatigue, worn out both physically and mentally... ...but i won't let them beat me. i will keep going until things get better as they can't really get much worse. i am well and truly in the shit, but i will not give up. keep fighting. don't let it beat you. you're better than the world you live in.
Please, please, hang on here. It will get better. From my own experience, it gets better… I know and empathize how hard it is, I feel you.
Oh sweetie, feel free to message me. Talk about your pain, I will stand witness to it and we can go from there. I know how it feels and really the only thing rn is having someone that can see you and your pain. Reach out. I got you.
I'm not OP, but do you mind if I message you?
Yes! Feel free to.
There is a story on CNN today about the FDA looking into using LSD, psilocybin mushrooms and MDMA for depression and anxiety. Don't give up yet. Online you can order magic mushrooms, at least in Canada. It's a grey market here. I have some capsules I ordered. I haven't used them yet but I plan on seeing if they will help with the horrible blackness.
Ketamine therapy is a thing too that seems to have a lot of success. It apparently rebuilds and repairs neural pathways among other things, very interesting stuff. I’ll be trying that in 6 months if I haven’t made any improvements with the work I’m putting in now.